I’m Your Hyperventilating Seatmate in 23B Googling Facts About Turbulence

Let me be clear: I am not afraid of flying.That would be laughable, irrational, statistically absurd — ridiculous!I just have a funny feeling the left wing will fall off.Again: I am not afraid of traveling.My anxieties are merely artisanal. My phobias, bespoke.Sure, sometimes, when we’re skimming over the Atlantic, I worry I’ll phase through the floor and do a 34,000-foot polar plunge.But I am not afraid of crashing.I’m sure everything is up to snuff, code compliant, clear for takeoff.I’m also hesitant to recline my seat, in case it tips the plane nose-up.And while I am not afraid of turbulence, terrorists, or mechanical failures.It’s only because there is so much more to fear — like flushing the lavatory’s vacuum toilet and getting sucked out into open sky.Let me be clear: this is not a cry for help.It’s a pre-flight service announcement.Thank you for flying during a partial government shutdown. Get full access to SOS: Satire or Something at danhass.substack.com/subscribe