Impatient Husbands and Niddah Psychology of the Daf Eruvin 21 Rabbi Simcha Feuerman LCSW-R, DHL

The Daf from a Psychological Perspective For Mareh Mekomos Click Below ״וְעַל פְּתָחֵינוּ כׇּל מְגָדִים״ — אֵלּוּ בְּנוֹת יִשְׂרָאֵל שֶׁמַּגִּידוֹת פִּתְחֵיהֶן לְבַעֲלֵיהֶן. לָשׁוֹן אַחֵר: שֶׁאוֹגְדוֹת פִּתְחֵיהֶן לְבַעֲלֵיהֶן. “And at our doors [petaḥeinu] are all manner of choice fruits [megadim],” these are the daughters of Israel who inform [maggidot] their husbands about their passageway [pit’ḥeihen], i.e., they tell them when they are menstruating. Another version of this interpretation is: They bind [ogedot] their passageway and save it for their husbands, and do not have relations with others. One area of marriage that requires absolute trust are the laws of Niddah. Every woman must constantly make decisions about what internal experiences and states are important to ask she’elos about and what are not. It is all too easy to go to either extreme, that is obsessing too much about minor issues, or becoming resentful and jaded and not asking enough questions. My friends, in this matter, a husband is key. No matter what complication, what question, no matter how frustrating or inconvenient, no matter if she “shouldn’t have looked” or “shouldn’t have forgotten”, never, ever show resentment or anger. Doing internal examinations and having to show them to others is a potentially humiliating experience. No husband should add to this distress by acting in any way annoyed or irritated. He should always be grateful and supportive that his wife expends time and energy, and is open about highly personal matters. My friends, in Psychology of the Daf we are going to say things that others will not say. Can you imagine for a minute that in order to be intimate with your wife you had to stick a white cloth up your rectum, twice daily? And, even better, any time there was an unusual color, no matter how small, you would have to send it to a rabbi to let you know if you are “kosher”? Try to have some empathy and understand the incredible trust and courage Jewish women have displayed for thousands of years! I can attest there are women who hide shaalos, and even some that lie about going to the Mikvah altogether for decades, out of fear of their husbands’ reactions. I have encountered this from women who otherwise are devout. Please do not underestimate how fearful and dysfunctional relationships can become. Be a good Jew, and be a good man. Treat your wife with sensitivity and respect regarding any matter of hilchos niddah.