In Defense of Yin

Above is a guided meditation. Below is me reading the essay that follows:I discovered something about anger and awakening during my years as a psychotherapist and dharma teacher. When invited to turn inward and examine anger itself, people (myself included) become defensive. One has to be very careful in their wording, in how the invitation is given, so as not to induce shame, or even more rage. You walk a razor’s edge. Question anger, and you risk being accused of victim-blaming, excusing harm, or siding with the perpetrator. Anger wants the spotlight outward. It resists introspection. It will generate endless reasons not to be examined.I also learned a thing or two about this during my year-long retreat, the first three months of which I spent in what felt like a constant state of rage. At 3am, I’d wake up hot, my heart racing, and I’d have to get up, pace, yell, go outside and scream and walk blindly around on the trails in the dark. If anyone had suggested that I sit down, close my eyes, and notice my breath— I would have punched them in the face. Luckily there was no one around.I knew I was supposed to be sitting with my feelings, turning inward in some way. But every time I thought about doing that, my mind and body would utterly rebel. How dare anyone recommend simply siting with this feeling. The thought of doing so would make me think, Here we go again with the patriarchy telling women to sit down and shut up.It’s true: Women have been told to sit down and shut up for a very long time. We live in a society that worships the masculine. We believe that doing, getting, and competing for what you want is the way to be, and that simply existing, listening, and receiving is too soft, too feminine. So whenever I teach about anger and hatred and how harmful it is, and how helpful it can be to look at the anger directly, our feminine side gets particularly triggered. My feminine side has been told to bite her tongue, to suck her belly in, to not express anger, for long enough. I’ve been told to look inward, to see how I’m responsible for my own pain, to not have needs or preferences, and to never complain. If I express a need or make a request, I’m a nag. If I get angry, I’m a b***h. No matter how carefully I try to word my request, no matter how many “I” statements I make, anything other than silence and suppression is attacked.Because the feminine has been suppressed for so long — and because anger in women has been especially policed — we have a collective chip on our shoulder around anger, regardless of gender. Feminine power is so suppressed that it’s ready to blow. And when it erupts, it often takes the corrupted form of rage, which turns out to be reactive, inefficient, and rarely effective at getting our deeper needs met. Instead, it feeds the same cycles of helplessness, conflict, and separation.How do we get free from the cycle of suffering? There is a place where masculine and feminine energy are in balance. Awareness: the field of kind attention that holds all of our experience. Like the vast sky that holds the sun and the moon, mindfulness itself always has this balance of firm alertness and soft receptivity. This is the Middle Way of the Buddha. We can work with anger in a way that neither blocks it nor lets it run the show. I call this honoring the anger. Give it the space to exist, to expand, even to move your body and have you yelling and flailing, but do this so that you can feel it, observe it, understand what it needs and wants on a deeper level, not have it take over you completely. Once anger is seen in this way, it finally conveys the message it has to offer, and it stops consuming us.Your support makes a huge difference. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.In the midst of rage binging on retreat, it became clear that sitting still wasn’t the only way to be mindful, and that if I really wanted to practice with anger, I had to work with it on its own terms. To some degree, I had to let the anger be in charge. I let it fly through the empty space of awareness. And while I let it move my body and rip through me and my tiny cabin as rants and screams, I also began to catch glimpses of insight. I noticed that there would be a stab of shame, followed by anger towards myself, and then a full hour of rage at someone else. Truly, I was angry at myself. How could I have been so weak, so stupid, as to let this happen to me? It appeared that the anger was simply trying to prevent something bad from ever happening to me again. And upon recognizing this, there was simply pain. I connected with the initial event, the moment where I got hurt, and the words “that was really hard for me” came through as I began to cry. Compassion.This insight has utterly transformed this pattern for me. What started as suppressed anger that then became repetitive rage benders, has become an easy access point for self-compassion. Compassion is a feature of mindfulness. It’s a caring quality that both listens and wants to help. A perfect balance of yin and yang.The next time you’re angry, see if you can let the anger be held in this field of mindful awareness. Widen your attention. Make space for the anger to breathe, move, clench, explode. Perhaps you will see the backbends the anger does to try to get you to not look directly at it, to try to hook you into its story, to try to get you to figure something out, to punish, to be right, and to be somehow responsible for never getting hurt ever again. These hooks are what keep us stuck, how anger keeps itself alive and holds us back from transformation. Keep feeling the whole of what’s happening, feel for the space of awareness that holds it all. It is much, much bigger than the anger. Be with this moment, just as it is. Don’t try to change it or make it better. This is all that there is. In the space of awareness, everything is ok.Anger has held us hostage. As long as anyone can remember, we’ve been using anger as a tool to make the change we want to see in the world. We’ve been arguing on its behalf, tricked by it into believing that this time, it will work. That it’s the best tool we’ve got. But have we gotten to more peace that way? We are more divided than ever. People across political lines can’t even stand to be in the same room anymore.What we’re really arguing for when we make a case for anger, is for more doing, yang, masculine energy– when what’s really needed is yin. Feminine, receptive, listening. We’re so addicted to anger and to yang in general, that when someone suggests this, it’s immediately attacked. How could sitting quietly possibly be useful at a time like this? I’m certainly not trying to say that the feminine is better than the masculine. It’s just that things have been off balance for a very long time, and we are in desperate need for more feminine energy.Watch what happens when you apply this honoring, receptive, feminine listening to the forces of hatred in your own mind. You will be shocked at how powerful it is, and how immediately it can connect you to the field of mindful awareness all around you. It will change you, and then it will change the world.Upcoming Online Daylong Retreat with Nico HaseOn March 14th, I’ll be teaching a daylong retreat with nico hase. We’ll explore the profound freedom that comes through letting go, addressing the question what if freedom isn’t about having more, but needing less?The day will begin with an hour of conversation and an opening talk around the theme. We’ll then sit and walk for four hours in lightly guided practice, before reconvening for a closing talk and further dialogue.nico hase lived in a monastery for six years before earning a PhD in counseling psychology and becoming an Insight Meditation teacher full time. He currently mentors mindfulness teachers, teaches online and in-person retreats, and speaks with students in one-on-one sessions. He and his beloved life partner devon are the authors of How Not to Be a Hot Mess: A Buddhist Survival Guide for Modern Life. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit caralai.substack.com/subscribe