Welcome, and it's time for another Movie Mastery. That's right, it's the podcast where we watch the movies you want us to see, and then we come back and report on them. I am your host, John. Over there, my co-host, Jeff. Welcome, and? Welcome, and? I'm gonna seize this. Welcome, and? I always get the intros wrong, so for you to slip up even a tiny bit. Even remotely. Even a tiny, it's a moment of glory for me right now. Anyway, hi, everyone. Hi. Yeah. So it's an In Theaters Now episode, and the winner this month on our monthly poll...
was Krull. Yeah, we saw Krull. We saw Krull. We saw Krull from 1976. Yeah, it was in theaters for some reason. He's got the glaive. He's got the glaive. There's that cyclops who knows when he's going to die. It's great. The whole movie. Even the parts you forgot. Even the parts you remember that you kind of forgot. Even the parts you forgot you remember. That terrible haircut on that cyclops. Remember that shit? He had like a fucking page boy. He looked like Patty Duke's identical cousin, Patty Duke, but with one big eye. It's like Prince Valiant as a giant monster. Yeah, giant ugly cyclops with a straight up Prince Valiant going on.
What if a one-eyed monster had a one-eyed monster haircut? No, we saw Crawl. It's the movie about alligators. Crawl the Conqueror, the other movie that sounds kind of the same. I'm sure. I'm entirely positive. We saw the alligator movie everyone's talking about. Yes, indeed. To give you a non-spoiler review before we dig right into it, I'm going to say this is actually pretty good. As a horror film enjoyer and connoisseur, going in, I tend to view animal-based horror films a little askance.
Oh, do you like any time? It's any animal based thing. It usually ends up coming off more like anaconda than birds. No, that's true. I mean, it's pretty rare for them to be kind of like a realistic animal stalker thing. And recently, the trend has been to add descriptors and put more than one of them in there. So it's like, you know, mega shark versus six headed sharkzilla or whatever. Well, yeah, I mean.
You've got those sort of like sci-fi, super low budget. Yeah. Like Octo Shark versus Mantis Lizard. And you're like, okay, great. Whatever. Those are always fun. And then you've got your Sharknadoes. And then you've got your real shark movies, which are pretty much the only animal horror that anyone ever makes anymore. Of course, even then, like all we've gotten is shit like The Meg. Well, 47 Meters Down is like a very, it's supposed to be a realistic shark movie. And then there's that one with the girl stuck on the little island. What was it called? Little Island? Oh, yeah. It's Blue Lagoon. No, The Shore. It's called The Shore, I think. It's called The Island? It's called The Island. Yeah, I know you got me. It was called The Bay.
It was called Michael Bay. Michael Bay. No, the shore. It was the one where the woman in the bikini is stuck on a little rock outcropping. She's like 20 meters from the shore. No one can hear her, and she's surrounded by an angry shark. Huh? Just one angry shark? Very good at surrounding her, yes. Well, humans can't swim very fast. A shark effectively surrounds you if it's near you at all. Oh, yeah. In the water. I mean, what are you going to do? I don't know. Stay on that little rock? Throw things at it? Yeah. I mean, granted, just like any other shark movie, it has to ascribe characteristics to sharks that don't exist. Yeah. Like their ability to recognize that there is food out of the water and wait for it.
Yeah, at that point you're like, nah man, if a shark was sitting there for like an hour and like, oh man, nothing's happening, I'm leaving. Yeah, exactly. I'm bored. I'm a shark. But yeah, that is kind of the way I always look at animal movies too. Especially the more realistic they get, the more I look at them with a cocked eye because I'm like, what's going to be the thing you get wrong? What's the animal trait that you're ignoring so that this makes any fucking sense? Yeah, I mean, for me, I at least like more realistic ones because then, I don't know if I said this on the show about horror, but the only time I actually get remotely like creeped out by anything horror is if during my suspension of disbelief, this could be a thing that would hurt me.
Oh, so animal movies could do that to you theoretically. Yeah, so like arachnophobia, even though it's supposed to be sort of like comedy horror, I'm still like, oh, spiders exist and spiders could kill me. I mean, yeah, technically, like on paper. Well, I mean, in this movie, they straight up murder you with like a bite. That's true, that's true. They could also, theoretically, according to movies, give you spider powers. I know. Yeah. Which is why I'm so creeped out by Spider-Man. You gotta roll them bones, man. What if Spider-Man had to poison his bite? What if Spider-Man... That's why he can't marry Mary Jane. Yeah, because she's so kinky. Well, she's super into being bitten specifically, yeah. And he has to spend hours in every newspaper strip agonizing over it. Oh, how I wish I could bite Mary Jane. Yeah, he has to get like...
Some of those plastic covers for his teeth. He's just wearing those plastic vampire teeth. Oh, hey, Mary Jane. All right, we're ready to do it. The safe word is ketchup. Ketchup. I can see Mary Jane being like, I'm not into this. Never mind. Do you remember Flash Thompson's phone number? So yeah, Kral, very good. It's got, in my opinion, a very...
good way of presenting everything. Like the way that it's shot, the way that the bad guy alligator thing is happening is very good. It's tense. It's claustrophobic. They do a good job setting up the premise as well. Like each step along the way, because all these horror movies are about like a real thing, have to be like, and then this happens. It makes it so the phones won't happen. And this happens so it explains why they can't just run away. They do a pretty good job with all that. Yeah. There's, I would say, you know, it's not going to go into my favorite horror movies of all time or anything. No, we probably have a lot of those. Oh, yeah. But I mean, considering the amount I've seen, that's...
That's a prestigious list. Yes, it is. But this is definitely one that I'm like, I can definitely see going to see it in theaters if you're a fan of horror. Sure. It's good. You will not have any sort of regrets watching it. No, it's very solid. It's a fine film. So, yeah.
Good thumbs up from us here. Even Jeff, the guy who hates horror movies. I actually kind of have a soft spot for animal attack movies because I'm just the kind of cynical guy who likes to pick at them. Just like how I like the Jurassic Park movie so much because I'm like, that Mosasaurus is way too big. No raptor looks like that. Yeah, they look like angry little turkeys. What are you doing here? What is this? Anyway, go get them. So, yeah. So there you go. We will play a little music. And after that, we will be back with the full spoiler review of Crawl.
And we're back. It's time to dive into these tumultuous waters and really wrestle with the Gator of Kral. Yeah. Okay. Fair enough. So it's basically a movie about a character who is a very, very good swimmer. And there's a dramatic moment where it's one of those horror movies where the main character has a skill that they're doubting themselves about. And then near the end of the film, they dramatically have to do it. Well, I mean, the second you see this character at the beginning, you're like, oh, she's a swimmer. She's at a swim meet. Yeah. And you're like.
Oh, okay. I get it. It's an alligator movie. You're going to have to swim. There's a countdown to the point where you have to out-swim some alligators. Like, obviously. I mean, duh. The amusing thing for me being, of course, she is going to the University of Florida, so she is indeed a Florida gator. Yeah, yeah. She's on the team of the Florida gators, the swim team. Although no one on the swim team ever refers to themselves by the stupid mascot name. They're always just like, I swim for Florida. Oh, no. They would say I'm a gator. I don't know. I was on swim in college, and I didn't say that shit. Yeah, because you aren't in a college that gave a shit. That's fair. Fair enough. Like, the huge rivalry between the gators and seminoles is a thing where you actually have to be like, oh, yeah.
I'm a Gators person. Okay, so it's the thing with the team affiliation where people give a shit. Oh, yeah. Okay. It's like, you know, the Mets and the Yankees. Yeah. Where one's good and the other sucks. Yeah, where one's good and the other is alligators. The Yankees famously mostly alligators. Yankees famously alligators. Yeah. Okay, so here's what's going on. She's at a swim meet and there's, I don't know, the whole beginning has nothing to do with the rest of the film. It's just, this is what a swim meet looks like at the college level. Or specifically, it looked like a 400 yard. Yeah, a 400 yard four man relay. Yeah. So a bunch of women doing powerful swimmings. Yeah, it was good swimming and of course he comes in.
Just barely second, and she's losing her competitive edge. Oh, yeah. I love that when later on she's talking to her dad about this, she's like, oh, I might get cut from the team. I'm like, for being the second fastest? No, you're not. Well, I think she didn't mean I'll get cut from this. No, no, she said she might get cut from the travel team, which is different than the swim team. The travel team is the couple people that they bother sending to other places. Yeah. And theoretically, she might come in second, because she doesn't come in second, is the thing. She's on a four-man relay team, so technically her team comes in second. Yeah. So that means they're still sending four people if they send the first team.
But the way it's shot makes it seem like, ooh, this girl who ended her swim slightly ahead of her is definitely going to go. And I'm like, you guys jumped off at almost the exact same point and hit the wall at almost the exact same point. If they're taking her, they're taking you. Yeah. No, no. I mean, you're not wrong. It'd be weird to waste the talent in this situation. Yeah. But wasting talent, of course, is one of the hallmarks of Florida. So that presumes there's talent. Yes. It's okay. I can say this. I lived in Florida and I had no talent. And it's okay if I say it because I don't give a shit.
So, yeah, she finishes up her meet and then has a call with her sister who is worried about their dad because there's a category five hurricane coming and it's it's coming hard. It's coming hard. It's coming fast in large parts of Florida or have evacuation warnings on them. And the sister has tried to call the dad several times, but to no avail. He isn't responding, which prompts our main character whose name is escaping me. Do you remember it? The main character is just look it up on IMDb while I keep talking. The main character, Haley, Haley, to do something insulting like she's like.
Oh, because you're more like mom. You've always been useful, or you're always sympathetic from a safe distance. Which really isn't a dig at the sister. It's to let you know that there's issues with the mom and dad that we need to explore in the film. It felt mean to the sister who doesn't live anywhere near there. Oh, yeah. She's like in Chicago or something. She's like, what do you want me to do? Yeah. Oh, you're right. I'm sorry. I forgot to take the three-day drive down there to check on dad. I guess I'll just leave this obvious two-year-old I have here. No, you know what? Maybe I'll take him. No, you know what? I'll strap the baby to the roof and I'll head on down. Yeah. I'm sure I'll be there a couple days after the storm has passed. Anyway, see you Thanksgiving. And fuck you.
So yeah, Haley is mean. She's a little cantankerous. She's a little cantankerous, but that makes her, you know, like her dad. You might say she has a snappish disposition to her. She's a little bitey. Well, you might say it's because she's got a thick skin. Yeah, she has sort of a thick hide about things. Yes.
So she promises her sister Beth that she will go check on dad. And that's like a two hour drive for her. Yeah, because it's way south in Florida where her dad is. Yeah. So the movie doesn't actually give us an actual town. It talks about Coral Lake, which is not a town, though there is a Coral Lake that exists, but it's near Miami. Yeah. Maybe it's just like a little tiny collection of houses that's not big enough to register like a town name. Oh, yeah. The street that they say that they are on is a real street that exists in Miami. Yeah.
all of the homes on that street are like, oh, these are nothing like what would exist on that street. No, no. The houses are all like, more like Florida Keys houses. Well, they, I mean, you're looking at like multiple story, have like... a crawl space underneath, which is almost a basement. They're like, no, none of this would exist here. No, no, not in Miami. In certain parts of Florida, sure, but mostly where floods are more common, you need that kind of crawl space. Anyway, and also they're right near a lagoon, close enough that they have an outvalve floodwater thing that leads right to a lagoon. So if you're thinking that like, okay, maybe it's just that lagoon thing is Coral Lake, it's in Miami, then hey, that place is right near the University of Miami, who they are known as the Hurricanes. Oh yeah, maybe she had to venture deep into hurricane territory as a gator. Exactly. Oh my goodness, the symbolisms. Also, she has a tattoo that's a hurricane on her.
Also, she's one eighth Seminole. Also, she's a gator. Like a literal alligator. She's a meth gator. We forgot to mention that earlier. A meth gator. You didn't read about that today? That's like a thing that's going around right now. I got meth gator. It's going around. No, some Tennessee police officers faked a news report about how you shouldn't flush meth because gators get it and they turn into meth gators. It's like a real story that's happening right now. Wow. That's not a thing. So anyway, she drives down. Very good storm effects here. Yeah, no, I mean, it looks...
As someone who has been through a lot of hurricanes, like a hurricane is happening. Yeah. And eventually, after several hours of driving, she makes her way to some checkpoint where the evacuation is happening, and she meets, like, an old high school friend. Yeah, and she's, like, doing the evacuation. And the old high school friend is so horny for her sister. Yeah, specifically for her sister. This dude's named Wayne, and he... I've seen him before, but I can't put my finger on Wayne. Oh, in the fountains.
Ah, yes, that's right. Right, yes. And also just banging the crap out of Stacy's mom. All of these. And more. References. Stay tuned. Uh-huh. But he's like, hey, we're evacuating that part of Florida, so you can't go in there. She's like, but what if I gave you a Scooby snack? And he's like, no. No, you can't go in there. My job is to make it so people don't die going into a hurricane. Please leave. Yeah, he's like a police officer now or something. And so she starts to drive away, but then just drives around him. Yeah, she's like, fuck it, I don't care. Yeah. Well, that's because that's the kind of person she is. She's cantankerous. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
She is very stubborn. Yeah. And decides, fuck it, I'm going to go ahead. So she drives on down there and makes her way to her dad's apartment building. And it's very sad. It's the we just had a divorce. Yeah. The single dad apartment complex. And oof. Oof. Yeah, it's rough. There's pictures of his family all over his bed from an old footlocker. He sleeps in a race car. Yeah. He's got pictures of dignity up. Yeah, not me. I sleep in a big bed with my wife.
And of course, there at the house is the family dog, Sugar. Yeah, there's Sugar. Oh, Sugar. Sugar's going to be mostly a source of dread and tension throughout the movie. Sugar, the second you meet that dog, you're like, oh, fuck you, movie. God damn it. You fuck. You fuck of a movie. Don't put a cute old dog in a movie about alligators. Just don't do it. You are such an asshole. I'm going to have to watch that dog's leg float by later, aren't I? Like a big black furry chicken wing. Someone's going to be like, come on, Sugar, and pull on a leash, and then the decapitated head's going to come over. Or we're going to do the thing where we hear him barking for a long time, and then nothing. What was that movie? That was Signs. Signs. Signs had that. Yeah.
Good point. That was another movie, by the way, that was all about everyone being like, I have one talent. I have a thing that I do. I wonder if I'll need to use it by the end of this film. Well, of course you will, because that's part of God's plan. That's part of the song God's Plan. Strong Christian overtones. God wants you to leave glasses of water all over the place. Well, just her.
Not everyone, just her. Just her specifically. God wants these aliens to invade a mostly water planet and then get scared off by the water. Ah, who knew? Who could have predicted this? Ugh. You better go into that planet where it's covered with mostly things that kill us with no protective gear. Yeah, especially because you think that if water melts them, then, like, fog probably hurts. Yeah, I mean, put on a pair of pants, even. You guys are running around naked. Yeah, they're straight up running around naked on a planet where they... And the humidity, it's not the heat.
It's the humidity. It kills you if you're one of these aliens. Speaking of humidity, South Florida. Yeah. Oh, right. The movie. So eventually she's like, oh, I know where dad is. He went over to the old house. He's probably doing some kind of work on it before it sells. So that's an old timey handyman. Yeah. Dad has some sort of construction company that he's in charge of. And sure enough, when she drives over to the old family house, that's got a big for sale in escrow sign on it. And of course, driving to the old house is just driving even further into the hurricane. Oh, yeah. Like she's driving at this point through like six inches of water in rain that makes it hard to see.
Yeah. Which is honestly one of the biggest sources of tension for me in this whole movie, gators aside, was the scene where she was driving through a hurricane to her old family home and just carrying on a conversation with the dog while not looking where she's going. Oh, yeah. Every time she would turn over to the dog and be like, oh, sugar, it's okay. I'm like, you keep your fucking eyes on the road. It's a hurricane. What the fuck are you doing? You're gonna get decapitated by a telephone pole.
But no, she makes it and that's where the dad's truck is. So she wanders around the house trying to find him until eventually she hears some music coming from underneath the floorboards. And then she pries open a way to get to the floorboards from the garage. Yeah, there's just one of those. It looks like a tornado cellar you'd have in the Midwest, like those double doors that open up. But it's in the garage and it just goes to a crawl space. Which, hey, if you didn't...
realize it's crawl, it's because crawl space, but also alligators, they crawl. They don't really crawl so much as they run full steam. Oh, I mean, in this movie, during the parts where there's still dry land to be had, the gators moving around, they're moving quickly on dry land, which is correct for gators, and it's legitimately scary. Yeah, but they're still crawling. They're on all fours. I guess you could say they're crawling. That's like saying dogs crawl. Nah, dogs run. Yeah, gators run too. They don't belly crawl. They don't drag their stomach. I think that's the difference. That's the difference. Yeah. Except in humans, because humans crawl in a very different way than every other animal that crawls.
The crawl of a man is much different from that of an alligator. You will know when you see me crawl. Anyway, she goes down there and wanders around a gross crawlspace for a long time, finds a bunch of, like, grime and dead rats. Oh, yeah, there's, like, old traps that are down here. Everything's nasty. She keeps banging her head on stuff because it's a low crawlspace. Yeah, and it's... Water's pouring in through these, like... Because there's a hurricane, it's all moist and muddy and nasty down there. There's all these decorative brickwork, like, openings everywhere that are pouring a little bit of drip water in right now. Yeah. And she wanders around down here for a very long time, finally finds her dad's radio, and then off in the distance, she can see her dad lying unconscious on the ground. So, rushes over to him, and he is...
Fucked up. And he's Barry Pepper. Oh, yeah, yeah. This is the first time I've ever seen him, not at a Dutch angle. Now, Barry Pepper, you might not know that name. Look him up. You probably know the face. You've probably seen him in something. You know Barry Pepper. He's in a million different things. But to me, he's always going to be the star of Battlefield Earth. Is he? That's what you're going to go with? That's my number one thing for Barry Pepper. It's the first time I ever saw him that I'm aware of. Sure. What would you go with? Green Mile, maybe? I've never actually seen Green Mile. Oh, my God. Okay, well. Well, now I've got something else we've got to do.
So anyway, I've not seen that, but I have seen... This is going to be embarrassing. He's in Green Mile. The other Barry Pepper movie I think of when I think of him is 61 Asterisk. And not Saving Private Ryan? I know he's in Saving Private Ryan, but I don't think of that as a Barry Pepper movie. No, of course not. Clearly that's a Vin Diesel movie. Clearly. Yeah, I mean, obviously. Duh. But no, 61 Asterisk, the HBO movie about baseball. Wow. Yeah. Anyway, there he is, looking old and haggard. Yeah. And he is very fucked up and very unconscious. She goes to move his...
jacket and he has this huge gash on his shoulder his leg is just broken bone out yeah and uh so she eventually just sort of fashions a sling to carry him on out of uh tarpits down there yeah just like rolls him onto a tarp and is like let's go and this is when we finally swing the movie into relevant this one we're about 25 minutes in she pulls him towards the stairs but there's a fucking gator there oh yeah and that initial jump scare of that gator very well done yeah because she's been in this crawl space for so long without anything happening to her that it makes the space safe. Yeah. Like when you have spent, you know, a good 10 minutes crawling around down there and getting like finding a radio, finding your dad, making a thing. Like at that point, you are just sort of lulled into a point where you're like, okay, this place is fine. Yeah. Now there is a jump scare before that in this movie, which I felt was kind of unnecessary. There's a part where she's walking around in the kitchen of the house kind of going, huh, do I hear music? Oh, dad, what are you even doing here, dad? And then a tree comes bursting through the window because there's a hurricane outside. Yeah. And it's a very shock scare moment, but it doesn't feel earned because, and this is a spoiler alert, all the kills in this movie are gator kills, every single one.
Well, there is one kill that I'll attribute to the hurricane. I guess you probably could. Yeah. But the vast majority of them are gator kills. And I was like, oh, I kind of was hoping that if we're going to do trees going through the window, let's let's see a hurricane kill in this movie. Yeah. I mean, I do like that they focused on the gators instead of trying to be like, we're doing an animal attack movie and we're doing a natural disaster. You can't do that. That's what Sharknado did. You don't have what Sharknado has. A budget. Kind of a budget. So, yeah, she freaks out and has to, like, scramble, dragging her dad. And the gator is just like, yo, what up?
It's go time. I'm definitely going to eat you. Yo, snaps. Yeah, so basically the one thing about this film, if you're looking for the what's wrong with these animals, is that the gators are constantly hungry and always hunting. Instead of, you know, being big lazy shits. Yeah, I will say this. There are...
a lot of gators in here, so at least every time there's a death that happens, I can go, oh, that was just one gator's meal. He's left now, and now there's other gators. There comes more gators. You would say that, except that there's a guy who gets killed in the crawlspace, and then later we find his body just mangled and not eaten. And I was like, aw, eat that guy. Come on. Gators don't kill for fun. Gators don't kill to save food for later. Very few animals know how to do that. But anyway, so she drags him to a relatively safe space where the gator can't fit in after her because of pipes. That's where she found him originally, and he does, at this point, wake up.
He's like, hey, what the fuck are you doing here? There's a gator down here. Yeah, I know, Dad. I know, we saw the gator already. And he's like, well, goddammit, I don't want you down here. And she's like, yeah, well, guess what? Why did you fucking come here? Well, I just wanted to board some things up. You're an idiot. Yeah, this was a bad time and you're stupid. And it's the two of them just being angry at each other. Yeah, notably, he just immediately lights into her about swim team stuff. Yeah, they are...
Just very similar. I do like how much that is played through this. And instead of it just being played for like, oh, they're both assholes. It's like, no, they have a very similar personality. Yeah, they're both assholes. No, they're not assholes. They're just cantankerous. They're kind of both assholes. They're a little bit. Trust me, I'm an asshole. I mean, that's true. Actually, I've been needing to tell you that for legally I'm required. No, no, no. Hello. I just moved into the neighborhood. I'm a registered asshole. I've got a registered asshole. The government made me do that. It's a lethal weapon.
But anyway, yeah, he just lights into her about swim team stuff where she's like, oh, I might get cut from the team because I came in second or whatever. And he was like, you know what your problem is? It's not that your body is weak. It's that the spirit is weak. You can do anything if you set your mind to it. You're an apex predator. And that's what he's been telling her her whole life because he used to be like her coach. Yeah. And you'd think in this situation she'd be like, that's in very poor taste. Please don't call me an apex predator until this movie is over. Thank you. I mean, we get a bunch of that in flashbacks where it's like she's a kid swimming and she loses and he's like, oh, what are you? Apex predator? That's right. And you'll swim better next time. Yeah. So we're supposed to think that he was like,
one of those sports dads a little too helicopter-y yeah a little too much like i have to live vicariously through you and you have to be constantly doing this it turns out throughout the course of the movie that he does kind of live vicariously through her but maybe not in the way you'd think yeah um but anyway she immediately is like all right well i'm gonna try and go the long way around to see if i can circumnavigate the gator yeah she's like here dad here's a flashlight you keep an eye on the gator because he's just sort of sitting by the stairs we can't really move his legs very broken oh yeah she's like you go keep an eye on the gator. I'm going to go to, there's another place down here. There's like a trap door rather than like the two big doors that lead down. There's one that actually like goes up into the hallway or whatever. And so she's like, I'm going to go there. I'm going to pop that hatch up. I'll get out. I'll get some help, whatever. And so he's just sitting there kind of like keeping a flashlight over there, watching the gator as it's beady fucking eyes reflect light back at him. Yeah. The gators in this are clearly CGI, but look real good. Oh, real good. Yeah. They look just fine. So there's this gators in this aren't too big. No, it's realistic gators. Yeah. I mean,
Full grown, for sure. Yeah, a lot of them are very big. I mean, they're all like eight foot, seven to eight foot, which is kind of full grown gator. I kept worrying that we'd get like the Anaconda 30 foot gator showing up towards the end of the film. Yeah, I'm very glad we didn't Lake Placid this at all. Yeah, yeah. So, but as she makes her way around, the one gator is like, just sitting there watching. And then right as she's almost going to make her way to this trapdoor area. Ah, shit, there's two gators. Yeah, another great scare where she like puts her arm out and then this second gator just chomps onto it. Yeah, and that's going to be a thing that happens in this movie. Our main characters are not safe. They get...
fucked up throughout this film. They both get very many gator attacks. Yeah. The one thing, it's the one thing about this movie where it was like, man, these guys are, I know they're cantankerous, tough bastards and everything, but they sure are very good at carrying on conversation while they're definitely bleeding out and missing a lot of parts and shit. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's fine. It's a movie. Yeah. So she stabs this gator in the eye with a screwdriver, which sadly does not set up the revenge of the one-eyed gator. Right? There was a point at the end of this film where she's like,
just about to get to safety and the gator's coming. I'm like, ooh, that'd better have one eye because that's the payoff I want. That should be the bleeding one-eyed gator, but sadly the movie is a little too vaguely realistic for that. Yeah, they're like, no, the one-eyed gator isn't like, I've got it out for you. It's just like, ow, hey. I'm experiencing pain right now, but I don't know how to process that because I'm a big reptile. So she manages to get away from it and into the space right below the hatch is also closed off by pipes so the gator can't get in there. Yes, and so she tries to lift the hatch, but oh no, someone put a big machine on it in the past couple of years. There's like a dresser on it and she can't even push it up so the dresser goes off because it's hitting like a little...
What do you call that stuff? Crown molding? Yeah, some molding that's along sort of the waist high on the hallway. So it just keeps banging into that. Yeah, so she can't get that one open. But Sugar can run over and say hi. Yeah. Hi, Sugar. Hi, Sugar. You're still upstairs. You're a good dog. Don't come down here. There's gators. I love that the dog spends most of the movie just barking down the hole. It's like, oh, I'm not going down there. I know there's gators down there. I'm not stupid. It's also a great source of additional tension. The fact that there is this constant mark, mark, mark, mark. And you're like, that's so annoying. But it's helping ratchet up the tension in the film. But anyway, at this point, her and her dad are separated by gators.
And her dad is basically keeping busy. He has his tool belt, which he uses to tie off a splint and push his leg back together. Yeah, which, oof. And also, water's really pouring in now, so he uses a watch and a measuring stick to determine the rate at which water is filling up the basement. Yeah. So he's like, by the way, we have like an hour until we drown down here. Yeah, like this place is going to fill up. It is just a matter of time, and that time is about an hour. Yeah, so he starts making noise so that she can make her way back to him safely, eventually. But for a while there, they just sit there crying and separated from each other and talking. Yeah. The movie's got a lot of talking and stuff that we're kind of breezing past. Well, the movie really...
I mean, like I had said during the intro, it's very claustrophobic. It's almost a bottle episode of a movie where you're just like, no, man, everything is taking place in this very tiny little area underneath the house. If you're way into Kea Scolidario cry breathing, this is the movie for you. Because that is, I would say, I would say that's maybe 60% of the dialogue is her going, just forever. I mean, it's fair. It's not like it's wrong of her to be doing that. I would be noisy crying. Yeah, you'd be a lot worse crying. You'd be blubber crying. Oh yeah, I would be snot bubbles. It would be bad. It'd be a bad scene. The gators would probably get me trying to work, because there's those decorative brickwork down there. Oh yeah, he has a shovel, and I was like, man, I would just go to town on that brick. Exactly. The brick looks, there's points where it's single brick, stacked on another single brick, and I was like, I could get through that. Oh yeah. I don't care how good your house is. I can push one brick away from another brick. That's the way out. Yep.
But that's not the way out, so don't worry about that. So she manages to finally get back to him, you know, a harrowing pass by two gators. Yeah, two hungry gates. And... When she gets over there, they're trying to figure out what they're going to do, and then she spots a couple of people across the street at the gas station, and they have a boat. Yep, they have a boat, and they are looting the gas station because they are taking advantage of the hurricane to loot. Yeah, they have straight up just taken the ATM and dragged it out into the boat. Oh, wait, I'm sorry. They are white, and therefore they are actually seeking emergency rations and surviving. I'm sorry for using the term loot. They are seeking emergency ATMs. Uh-huh.
But yeah, they're robbing a gas station. Yeah. There's some Florida dirtbags that have shown up to rob a gas station. How dirtbag? Why? One of them is cornrows. Yeah. You don't even find that out until she, spoiler alert, gets attacked by an alligator. Which is a great shot. You're like, ah, look at you. You Florida dirtbag. Gross. But yeah, she takes her flashlight, which...
Man, it's a good thing she has that little wind-up flashlight thing. Because that has been used so much in this movie. It gets a lot of use. She has one of those wind-up survival flashlights. So she uses that to try to get their attention. And it works. One of the dirtbags notices the light coming from across the way. And he starts walking towards it. He's like, hey, what is that? There's someone over there. And the other two are like, well, the woman in the boat is like, who gives a shit. And his little brother is in the store just grabbing snacks. Overlooting, effectively. He is guilty of the crime of overlooting. He's taking, like, gum and magazines and sunglasses. Oh, yeah, it's like they got the ATM. They really needed to just go. But he's in there grabbing fucking Pringles and shit. Hot dogs. Just wasting time.
But as soon as he turns back to be like, babe, there's people over here. Well, it's great because he's because she gets started eating at. Well, he doesn't notice because the wind is so loud. Oh, yeah. He's there looking at the light. What is that? And in the background of the shot, this gator is lunged its way onto the boat and started to eat her. Oh, yeah. It's it's doing that Jaws thing where it's at like the end of the boat and just sort of snapping its way up. Yeah. And finally, he turns around. He's like, oh, yeah. Oh, no. But as he makes his way over there, he gets gated. Yeah. And then, of course, we go to the kid in the grocery store who has to eventually be like.
Oh, what's going on? Look outside. And then his brother gets, like, gator slammed into the window. He's like, oh, no, oh, no. And then in a clever shot, you can see the gator sneaking up on this overlooting kid inside the gas station through one of those mirrors that are designed so the shop owners can keep... Yeah, the shoplift mirror. Yeah. Yeah, you can see the gator approaching through the shoplift mirror and then he just gets pulled under. Yeah. So in the span of, like, 45 seconds since Haley notices them out the window, all three of them are devoured by gators. And she gets to sit there and watch it and be like, God damn it. Well, that's not good. Yeah. It's...
I mean, I understand that the movie was like, well, we only have two main characters and we can't just murder them. So we've got to get other people to murder with these gators or else what are we even doing here? So they're just like, oh, I know. We'll put some fucking Florida dirtbags in here. They can get it. Yeah, real dirtbaggy too. Like you can tell that lady was named after a Judas Priest song. Her name was definitely Crystal Methany.
You can say that because you lived in Florida for two years. Yeah. But not one of the bad parts. I mean, close enough that I've frequently visited one of the bad parts. OK, fair enough. All right. So, yeah, at this point, she's like ugly crying into her dad. And they're like, well, what are we going to do? What are we going to do? And she's had the idea for a while now of going out through a big pipe that's in their basement that leads to a lagoon. And he's like, no, that's clearly the way the gators got in here. Don't go through that pipe. Yeah, they.
They have some more business here where they're going to try and do some stuff. Also, there's a long discussion about why the divorce happened. Yeah, they have to be like, oh, it wasn't your fault because she thinks because the dad was so focused on her swimming that it tore the two of them apart. But he was like, no, we had fallen apart a long time ago. We stayed together because of you two kids. And then when you moved out, we were just two lonely people who didn't like each other living in a house. So at that point, your mom found someone and was like, oh, well, you could be happy even if I'm not. So you should go do that. Yeah. And, you know, this is the modeling part where Haley's like, but you deserve happiness, too. And he's like, I'm not sure I do.
But we never get a reason for why he thinks that. We never get like, did he cheat? He seems like he's very down on himself about this relationship. And I'm like, what? Is it because you actually were away a whole lot? Yeah. What did you do? I don't know. Maybe he was just an asshole. I mean, we've established that him and his daughter are assholes. Just assholes. We then get...
Our next set up for people to die. Yeah, yeah. Which is Wayne and some other cop in a boat. In like one of those hovercraft boats. Yes. Yeah, they're all in inflatable. They're basically in a Zodiac. Killer. They're in the Zodiac killer. Ted Cruz is with Wayne. Zodiac is a type of inflatable raft with an outboard motor on it. So is Ted Cruz. So is Ted Cruz. Yeah, that's true. Ted Cruz is a piece of shit who proved himself an additional piece of shit today and earlier this week. Yay. Okay. I wish he got it by gators. Okay. So.
What was I going to say? They show up. They show up. Because earlier in the film, Hayley had asked Wayne to stop by and check on her dad's house. Yeah. So he comes by, sees both her car and the dad's car, and he's like, all right, well, obviously they haven't gone anywhere. All right, dude, you stay out here. I'm going to go in the house and see what the fuck is going on.
And indeed he does. He tromps into the house through the flooding. There's a lot of flooding now. And when he gets his way inside, he can kind of hear people yelling through the floorboards. Yeah, they're wanging on the pipes with like the shovel and whatnot. And he finally hears that. So he goes to the garage crawlspace entrance and starts yelling at them. And they're like, hey, there's gators down here. Don't come down. He's like, okay, well, fuck, I'll go get help. Yeah. You guys just stay right chump. Yeah. Yeah, I want to be down there then if there's gators. But one of the gators lunges up the stairs and pulls him down. Yeah. And basically murders him right here. Oh, yeah. And just murders him for a while. In front of them. Because he's trying to get to him. Yeah, but he's just like.
bit on the leg and it is death rolling him around yeah yeah and this is this is a brief moment right here where she actually kind of has a chance to get out but she doesn't uh because she's right next to him she like reaches out to try and take his hand as if she's going to do anything to a death rolling guy yeah uh but i mean i guess i see that the instinct the instinct is that i've got to try and help this person yeah so eventually you can see the gator's mouth close over his face and he gets pulled under and she's like well that's not gonna yeah but then now she needs to escape the other gator yeah She manages to get back, and of course we have to cut up to the other officer up there who sees one of the swings in the yard being pulled on, and so wanders out into the floodwaters to go, huh, what's going on with that swing? Yeah, what's the swing all about? It seems like it's being tugged by something. And then he gets what is the silliest and most gruesome death in the film. The gator pulls him underwater, because that was what was tugging on the thing with some gator. It tugs him underwater, and then he floats to the surface, at which point five gators appear from every direction, each take a chunk of him and rip him to shreds instantly. Yep. It looks ridiculous. It looks like he's made out of toilet paper. Oh yeah, they just...
tear him apart. Yeah, it's kind of a dumb death, but whatever. It's fine. It's an extra death. Yeah. And someone needed to go down by multi-gator, I guess. Oh yeah, you gotta have a multi-gator kill. Yeah, otherwise what are you even doing here? So at this point, Haley is now determined. I don't care if the gators came in through the pipe. It's the only way I can see to get out of here because they are covering the stairs and there's no way I can get past two of them. Yeah, they're sitting there. They're playing cards. They're hanging out. They won't leave the stairs. They've got three more gators. They're playing Texas Hold'em over there. One of them's teeting and passing a card to the other with their foot. One of them's wearing a bowler hat and three of them are wearing clown noses.
One of them's got a cigar. It'd make a great painting. What I'm saying is... So yeah, she makes the plan to sneak to the crawlspace, but she doesn't tell her dad because her dad flatly refuses to go along with that plan. He thinks it's incredibly stupid. So she gets out. She's like, all right, I'll make my way to the stairs. Tries to make her way to the stairs. Can't. And he's like, fuck it. I am going for the pipe. And he's like, all right, well, I guess I'll make as much fucking noise as possible to hopefully make sure they don't murder you. Yeah, so he starts wanging on the pipes with a shovel and she goes to the crawlspace and makes it right. It's very thin, but she makes it through into sort of a...
lagoon outlet kind of thing. It's like this gross sump space. Yeah, because the outlet pipe just has a bunch of nastiness piled up right next to it. And then a second pipe that actually goes out to the lagoon. She's like in like a mid space. Like I said, I think it's like a sump system or something. Well, it's something. Yeah, it's something nasty. So it's like a bunch of dead raccoons and gross swamp goop and so on. Oh, yeah. And so she gets in there and she starts looking down the other pipes so she can start crawling out to the lagoon. And there's a gator coming down the pipe. Yeah. Oh, there's always a gator coming down the pipe. Uh-huh. There's fresh gators down the pipe every day. Right here at Fresh Pipes Gators. So she...
basically treats the alligator like a T-Rex and is like, well, as long as I don't move, you won't see me. Yeah, that's the special thing about gators' vision is it only works on things that are moving. It's because the gators here have frog DNA in them. Oh, yeah. Forgot to mention that earlier. Oops. Also, they're all female. But nature finds a way. Gators are excellent scissorers. They're so good at scissoring that it can make babies.
Actually, I'm pretty sure gators probably could. No, I don't know. Anyway, while she's in there, she finds a clutch of gator eggs. Yeah. And most of them are open and hatched, and there are a few that are still sitting there. But that was a point where I was like, oh, thanks, movie. Because there was a time when they were doing the whole...
looters getting murdered, that I was like, why would there be so many gators here? Well, they kind of set it up while she's driving to her dad's house. She passes an ominous lightning flash gator farm sign. Yeah, but that was like still a ways away. I know. But at least with this, I was like, oh, it's a nest. I get it. Yeah, yeah. And that would be the reason why two gators would even still be hanging out down in this crawlspace. Gators aren't the kind of, they're not crocodiles. They don't hang out in huge groups and wait for wildebeest stampedes to come through. There wouldn't be this many full-size gators all hanging around in one.
space. There's not enough food. Normally. Normally. Right now, apparently, there is. Oh, yeah. But anyway, she lets this gator go by, and sure enough, the gator just comes through and heads over into the basement. I don't know if that means it's one of the two gators, or if this is introducing a third gator. Well, I think before this happened, Barry Pepper did manage to murder one of the gators. Oh, yeah, that's right. He had set up a trap where he could, like, kick something over, and part of the ceiling would crush it, and then he hit it with a shovel until it died. Yeah. So, at this point, she gets ready to make her way through the lagoon, or to the lagoon, but right before she can, she spots the still-dead, well, newly-dead body of Wayne.
Just ripped up. Really ripped up and already kind of bloated, so that's weird. I mean, it might have been someone else. It could have been someone else. We don't see the face. It could have been some other cop that died to a gator down here and had a gun that still worked. But yes, she takes the gun and... Right as she gets the gun out and checks it, a gator comes lunging up out of nowhere and bites her on her gun arm. Yeah, so it straight up bites the entire arm with the gun in its mouth, so she just shoots the entire gun into this gator's mouth. Uh-huh. The gun is now worthless. She shot all the bullets, but she did murder a gator and take a lot of arm damage.
Yeah, well, I mean, at least she didn't die. I mean, the gator had her by the arm. That was at least a way to survive that. Yeah, that was a good situation. So she's like, I killed one, but there's another one. There's an indiscriminate number of gators. You killed one, but then a new one came in, and I killed one, so maybe there's only one down here? I don't know. But anyway, she goes out to the lagoon where there is yet another huge gator. And she tries to be like, oh, as long as I'm not making, like, splashy noises and I just swim quietly, I should be able to get past this thing. And then she kicks a shopping cart down there or something and makes some noise. Here comes the gator. She manages to get to the, like, dirt just right next to the house, like, above the floodwaters before it can get to her. Yeah.
Gator doesn't follow her up, oddly. Yeah. Now, at this point, the water down below has gotten high enough that Barry Pepper is almost out of breathing, like space. Oh, yeah. There's inches of air left by the time she manages to get into the house. Yes. And so she runs around trying to figure out how she's going to get to that crawl space or whatever. I mean, she doesn't know where that hatch actually is in the house in relation to where she was. Yeah. So she can't just go push that over. She's yelling for her dad and she kind of hears him yelling somewhere in the kitchen. So she grabs a pry bar and pries open the floor. And her dad has started already to drown. Yep. She manages to...
get him just as he like runs out of air and just sort of falls. And we get one of those wacky movie CPR scenes where she does it right for a while and that doesn't do anything. So she just punches him in the chest and that doesn't. Yeah. So she starts doing the double overhand punch smash chest. She starts kirking the guy with a double ax. Come on. You've got to live dad. Instead of breaking all his ribs, she wakes him up. Yeah. And then he just kind of goes, okay, I'm fine. Thank God you did bad CPR. Uh, so yeah, they, uh, they're like, okay, I hate bad CPR in movies. I hate that it always works.
They're finally like, all right, that's great. What we're going to do is the boat that the looters had is still out there because they had kind of tied it to... Yeah, the police boat has floated away. Yeah, the police boat is gone. The looter boat is still sort of loosely connected to the pumps over there. So they're like, all right, here's what's going to happen.
as long as we don't make a splashing noise and we just sort of very calmly walk through the water, the gators won't attack us. Yeah. And I was like, sure, man, why not? Yeah, no, that's, I mean, this whole thing where gators don't attack unless you make a splashy noise is a very weird introduction to the film. Yeah. Up until this point, gators were like, no, man, I'm gonna attack you because you're here. They have two rules about gators that I'm not sure about. One of them is they won't attack anything that isn't making a splashy noise. And the other is they can't, they're completely deaf unless they're underwater.
They introduced that at the very beginning back when it still mattered because they were attacking on dry land. They were like, he can't hear you over the storm. Okay, so they have bad hearing when they're out of water. Yeah. They had to actually bang on the pipes in order for the gators to even hear them. Yes. Okay, so yeah, there's these multiple gator facts that I'm not 100% sure about. Yeah. I'm still mad about that CPR scene because that's in every movie with a CPR scene. There's always regular good CPR fails, so let's just punch him in the chest until that works. And I can tell you, I'm personally very angry about it because I spent a number of years as a lifeguard growing up and I once had to do CPR on a guy and I did it for 45 minutes.
Oh, yeah. But movies don't have that much time. Yes, I know. I know. But the thing is, CPR isn't meant to bring people back to life. It's meant to keep them alive until paramedics get there. I mean, you do it if you have to in those situations. I did it on the guy for 45 minutes. It turned out he was a corpse. Aw. So, anyway, personal stories. Hey. Yeah.
So speaking of corpses. Speaking of corpses, The House of a Thousand Corpses is a Rob Zombie movie. It was alright. I liked it. I mean, back when I saw it, back when it was in theaters. Yeah, I've never seen any of the Rob Zombie movies. I've never seen a Rob Zombie movie at all, I don't think. The House of a Thousand Corpses ones do not appeal to me because I'm not into redneck gore as a horror genre. I understand. Yeah. And then I've heard his Halloween remake is straight up bad. It's just worse. Yeah. Like in every possible way than the regular Halloween. Would you say it's better? Okay, this is a ballpark and then we'll get right back on the topic. Give me the degree of difference in terms of quality from Halloween to Rob Zombie Halloween and then from...
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, the 2008 remake. Oh, man. I mean, I would say the Halloween remake is a better remake than the Wonka remake. Okay. Because giving Mike Myers a backstory isn't nearly as stupid as giving Willy Wonka one? Yes. Like, at least with that, you're like, oh, they kind of gave him a story in the original Halloween. It just didn't matter. Yeah. But here they're like, oh, no, we had to expand upon that for at least like 25, 30 minutes. He's the son of a dentist, which is why he loves candy so much. Okay, sure. That's bad. That's dumb and you should feel bad. Anyway, sorry about that. Back to the thing. They had to get to the boat at the gas station. Now, as they're on their way there, things are going fine. Her car lifts up and floats away behind them. But then they hear the sirens go off, which means that the levees have broke. Yes. And they're like...
Oh, fuck. We have to get to the boat now, because if the levee water hits us, we're dead. Yeah. Like, it's just gonna sweep us away. Yeah. It's gonna be coming in hot and fast, and it's gonna be a big old tsunami, and it'll definitely kill us when we need the boat. So you have to swim to it. You're an apex predator. Go, go, go. This is your chance to prove yourself. Because you had those doubts earlier, remember? You remember how you had those doubts about your swimming? Well, now you have to swim. And also, you got a lot of injuries. So, you know, now that you're not in good health, and, like, both your arm and your leg and your other arm are all kind of fucked up right now. Your very alligator bit. Now's the time to shine.
So indeed she does. Yeah, she makes her heroic swim away from three alligators to the boat, and luckily none of them are that earlier alligator that just got on the boat and ate that other lady. Yeah, I mean, a couple do the, like, jump up and try to bite her, but none of them get onto the boat. Yeah, and then she starts that shit up immediately. Yeah, she starts the engine up immediately and makes a heroic move over to her dad to load him into the boat. And sugar. And sugar, and everyone's in the boat, and it looks like it's going to be the end of the movie. And then the floodwaters come. Well, the floodwaters come and slam them right back into their house again. Yep, just crash them right through the living room window, and I do love that she's like, fucking seriously? Oh, come on.
This is the part where my imagination ran away with what I wanted to happen in the movie, which is the levee broke, and it turned out that the levee was dammed off, the river that was dammed off over there was full of manatees, and now there were a million high-speed manatees coming at them. Oh, boy. I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you. It's not my fault I weigh 1,300 pounds. I just want a hug. Sorry. I'm going to give you a gentle touch at freeway speeds. Here comes my snoot. Oh, darn. Ooh, swamp goo. I'm going to eat this all day long. Hello, Mr. Gator.
I wanted that. I wanted more Florida shit, is what I'm trying to say here. We gotta get away from the levy waters, it's full of syringes! So yeah, they get separated at this point. She ends up in the kitchen, like, up on the countertops, and he's off in, like, a hallway somewhere. They get separated on purpose. He's like, alright, meet me by the stairs, because he's gonna go upstairs, duh. So he's over by the stairs waiting for her, and she is desperately trying to make her way through the kitchen, but she sees a police radio floating in the water, and she's like, oh, I can call for help with that police radio. So she's, like, precariously navigating from thing to thing across the flooded kitchen. Yep.
manages to get herself a nice little radio, which of course she's like, please help us. And then all the noise comes back. It's like framing on the frame frame. And she's like, oh, God damn it. This radio is connected to the parents, to the adults from, uh, from peanuts. Uh, can anyone hear me? God damn it. Fucking hell. Uh, so yeah, she,
starts to make her way toward the stairs, and... Barry Pepper is over at the stairs, and Sugar is over in the hallway, swimming towards him. And we get this lovely shot of, like, an up-above dog paddle slowly moving towards the stairs. Oh, yeah, that's one of the more tense moments. It's almost as bad as the driving scene. You're like, oh, goddammit. That dog's about to bloop underwater. And then it just gets to the stairs, and it's fine. Yeah, they never hurt the dog in the film. And he's like, oh, sweet, the dog's fine. And then an alligator just straight up bites Barry Pepper's arm off. He's like, come on, we rescue the... And I love, because it does sort of the...
the death spin thing. But the spin just tears his arm off at the elbow. Yeah, so his arm comes off and he's using more tool stuff to tie a tourniquet around himself. Oh, yeah. At this point, he is just fucked up. But he's got some of the other tools that he found. He's got some flares. He uses one to cauterize the stump. Yeah. And then the other one, he uses a belt to tie it off and keeps making his way upstairs. This dude is a survivor. He's a rough and tumble bastard. Yeah. And meanwhile, Hayley is making her way through the house.
And she gets attacked again and then manages to get into a bathroom with the alligator. The alligator crashes its way into the bathroom. It's like, oh, I'm eating human today. Fuck you. I know what doors are. And she closes the shower door and it's just kind of thumping up against the glass. And I love that she manages to get up on some of the... She's standing on a soap dish. Yeah, like the soap dish and the... Spigot. The spigot. Yeah.
opens up the door. It's like, come and get me. It goes in. She jumps over the top and then closes the door again. Yeah, and we get a great shot of a gator thrashing around in there. Like, oh, that's great. Yeah. Lucky for her that that soap dish was attached with more than just like caulk and plaster repairs. Oh, right. Yeah, because if it was my house, the moment... Oh, that would have come right off. Right off. Exploded in the sink and I would have had to replace it like I've already had to do twice. One time because the cat jumped on it. The first time, which means it wasn't even my fault. It wasn't my shoddy home repair. Ugh.
So, yeah, she manages to get upstairs with her dad. And just as they're going to go up, she has to go out of the house. She gets blasted. They're about to go up the stairs to the attic. Yeah. And she gets gatored into a bedroom and is getting death rolled by it. And it's a neat scene. I will say that. Now, I really like how this scene is shot. The gator gets her and starts going into a death roll again. But the camera kind of follows it and is also spinning along with the gator. It makes the scene.
harrowing and confusing yeah it makes it disorienting you've got like all this stuff going around she sees a flare that she's trying to get but it keeps like spinning her past it but it also pulls the movie thing where it shows every flashback of her difficult childhood here oh yeah it gives her a Captain Marvel scene where she's like remember all those times where you were trying real hard yeah well here's your chance I completely forgot that this movie has the story element part where he's like I always knew you were going to be a fighter because that one time your sister could hold her breath longer than you and then you woke up in the middle of the night and held her breath longer than her yeah it was oh your sister could swim the length of the pool without a breath and you couldn't and then you just you got so mad and you did it just a spider You were so young and I was such a negligent parent to let you into a pool. At midnight alone. Yeah. But I was like, that's the way I should put her on a swim team. Yeah. Anyway, she's rolling and rolling and reaching for this flare. And finally, she forced mind tricks it into her hand and stabs the wampa. I got confused. I'm sorry. She manages to get it into her hand and just.
shoves a flare into this crocodile's eye. She's always going for them gator eyes. Yeah. So she gets a flare into its eye and it freaks out and lets her go and she gets blasted out the window and then she's trying to make it around to the house in the flood water. Well, the flood water at this point is basically to the roof. Yes. So she's like going real fast. So the current's bad. Yeah. She is grabbed onto part of the gutters that she is just grabbing hold of to try and, you know, stay steady and get onto the roof. Yeah. And another gator comes. Yeah. Yeah. More gators show up to try and eat her and she's like, God damn it, gators. And also the gutters are giving way and then all of a sudden a single hand extends. Well, before that.
A gator is coming towards her. And then, like, someone's chimney floats by and hits the gator. And that is the one death I will attribute to the hurricane. Yeah, a gator gets taken out by a passing chimney. Yep, there you go. That's my one hurricane death. Yeah. And then a single hand extends, and it's her dad, who is still quite tough, despite having a lot of very serious wounds. So many wounds. And she's got a lot of wounds. And sugar is in perfect health. Yeah, she just got bit in the chest and death rolled. She is not doing good. Yeah. So they're lying on the...
the ceiling kind of just or the roof just kind of breathing heavy and being tired uh and then they see helicopters approaching through the storm and she's like oh i have one flare left yay and then they the helicopter starts coming over now as the helicopter is going over it's hurricane winds which means the helicopter kind of gets blown a bit and i was like man if that gets just knocked over then the gators eat it i was there were so many comedy endings i was hoping for here just they start going and a gator jumps up and eats the entire there was an earlier scene in the film where a helicopter went by way up high and i was like oh if gators got that that'd be amazing Gator missile. Yeah. In this case, same thing. Just a gator launches out of the water. It gets a helicopter 50 feet up. Or it pulls up close enough to rescue them. And then they can look into the cockpit and it's being flown by a gator. Oh, no. Oh, no. It's a gator pilot. He's taking us to his gator family. The other thing I liked is it basically had, in order to get them, like a basket on the bottom. I was like, oh, it's just here to collect gators. You know how expensive those gators are? Fuck you guys. Gators are endangered, you idiots. I'm sorry. Did you say you stabbed one with a screwdriver? Oh, you're under arrest. Oh, I'm sorry. You're going to have to come with me. Yeah, we're going to have to put you in jail with some gators. Gator jail. It's gator jail. It's the only jail that's open right now. So what could be greater than
Yeah, so they never make it to the helicopter. They get eaten by gators. No, I'm kidding. Instead, we get a fade to black as the helicopter is coming down. Yeah, she turns around to smile at her dad and then we go to credits. Sugar survived.
Sugar survives. The dog is not eaten by gators. Yay. Both the main characters survive. I figured there was an even chance the dad might not make it. Yeah. I was like, there's about a 50-50. This dad's going to bite it. Yeah. Yeah. Or be bitten. Yeah. Crocodiles. So many crocodiles are not in this film. None of them. No crocodiles. No crocodiles. No Caymans. No Cayman Islands. The Cayman Islands. Weirdly not in this movie. Yeah. Weird. Most movies have a 10 minute sequence in the Cayman Islands. Because the Cayman Islands is such a big movie area that you have to include like someone from the Cayman Islands in your movie. Otherwise people in the Caymans won't go see it. Yeah. They're the ones keeping all the cool gay stuff out of movies too.
Yeah, always stupid gay stuff makes it. Well, no, like, did you hear about that? That Avengers Endgame edited out the one gay guy that was like, oh, I went on a date with a guy for the Russian release. Wow. Even though it was like a spoken line and that was it. Well, yeah, but that's because Russians hate gay people. And now they're like, oh, yeah, the Thor movie is going to have an LGBT interest in it. If it does, there is literally no way it will not be edited out without damaging the film. Because that's the way that they operate. Like, yeah, Valkyrie has a love interest that she alludes to by winking.
I mean, it's Taika, and they're letting him do whatever he wants. That's true. Keep it under five minutes in a part of the film where it could otherwise be cut, Taika. Let us just take all of it out. The Russian release will be like 30 minutes less. I'm going to warn you guys, this is pretty much just a lesbian drama. The whole movie. Yeah. I mean...
Thor, in addition to losing his Thor title and having to give it to Jane Foster, also is turned into a woman by the process, and so he's off having an interesting lesbian love experience. Everyone's hooked. It's all women, and it's amazing. And they're like, how are we going to put this in Russian? We'll just use translation changes. Oh, in the translation, it just says, we are very good friends. Yeah. Valkyrie's all like, I am very good friends with her. Also, I am a man. The breasts are from accident.
From exposure to great Russian nuclears. Nuclear boats give me large breasts and even larger penis. Anyway, the end of the movie. So that was Crawl. Jeff, we're going to go ahead and do the thing that we normally do here. I'm going to ask the bests and worsts. What is the best thing in Crawl for you? There's a lot of really good things about this movie. It's very tense. It's very well shot. The actors are likable. The characters are pretty cool. But I'm going to go with the simplest possible answer, which is the dog surviving.
That's good. I mean, honestly, every time they put that dog in danger, you're like, well, this is it. This is the time. This is when that dog dies. Or they're going to wait until right after the dog doesn't die and then kill the dog. Oh, yeah. It'll be like the dog makes it up. You're like, yay. And then a gator gets it. And the gator just rolls down the stairs and gets it all the way down. Finally, that manatee comes crashing through the ceiling. Oops, sorry. I squished your dog. All right. That's fine. That's an acceptable answer. It literally was my favorite part of the film. When the dog's right at the end, it's like, ah. But don't get me wrong. This movie's good. There's a lot to it. It's not a flippant answer. There are a lot of other things I could have said. Yeah.
John, you? I'm going to say the one, like I'm just going to pick one thing out of this. The introduction of the second gator is probably my favorite. Oh, shit moment. It's very scary. Yeah. Yeah. Because you've got the whole thing of it being like, oh, we can actually see the threat. We can try and react to it. And again, it did the exact same thing. Like with the first scary, like we've spent so much time with feeling the scenery as established that you're just sort of like, that's the way it is. And then it breaks that. And when it does it the second time, you're like, motherfucker. Yeah. So I absolutely love that second gator jump.
Yeah, that was great. It was well shot. Worst thing in the movie, then. Worst thing in the movie, I'm going to say the death of the unnamed cop. It's very stupid looking. It's the most CGI goofy thing in the film. And it just felt gratuitous. I just wasn't a fan. I mean, there's too many gator takedowns in this movie anyway. Gators just don't kill that many humans. But that one was the dumb one, and it kind of took me out of the film. So I'm going to give it to you. What do you think is the worst?
I mean, part of me wants to say it's Haley having a tattoo of a hurricane on her because I was like, come on, guys. Well, yeah, she's a gator. She has to go into gator territory and she has a hurricane tattoo and she's in a hurricane. Like being at University of Florida, I was like, that's kind of amusing. Okay, I get it. It's the Florida gators. Like, I get it. Yeah, that's fine. But then she has a tattoo of a hurricane on her. I thought the hurricanes were a different team. Yeah, it's weird. There's no point where she makes a thing where she's like.
Oh, yeah, because I'm like a hurricane when I swim, and I'm coming at you or whatever. There's no reference to why she would have that? Yeah, there's no mention of it, yeah. Like, if she had a tattoo and it was, like, a shark or a gator or something like that, that would make sense with her whole, like, apex predator thing that keeps coming up. Yeah, that would have made a lot more sense. Especially if she had, I would have liked it if she had a tattoo of a crocodile. I would have liked it if she had a tattoo of just a tiger. Just unrelated. Unrelated entirely. A crocodile's unrelated entirely. I mean, not entirely. I mean, it's distantly related. But so is a tiger. So is a tiger, technically. Very distantly related. They're both chordates. Animalias.
Yeah, I think they get all the way down to, yeah, I think that's as close as they get to each other's coordinates. Okay, so there you have it. All right, so we are going to give the movie, both of us, a score between zero and five. We'll give us our final score for one to ten, or zero to ten, really, for the movie. Jeff, your score? A four. This is a good movie. I didn't hate this at all. Awesome. There were a couple of things where I found it disbelieving or unbelievable or something, which is vaguely knocking the score down, but realistically, all of them were a service of good cinema. But yeah, this is definitely a four for me. In fact, I'm going to stick with a four. Yeah. Yeah, this is on the cusp of being a four and a half. I did not hate this experience. I enjoyed the film a great deal.
Awesome. I'm going to give it a four and a half. It's not... quite a five. Like, for me, I'm basically in the same way you are where I'm a four and a half and just sort of like, if this had been even slightly better, it would have jumped up to a five. Just one manatee in the levee. Just one manatee. One manatee in the levee just being like, oh, no. Oh, bye, guys. Especially if it had taken out another random person in the scene. If it just hit a crocodile that was about to get them. Oh, sorry. Oh, guess I saved your life. In return, don't hit me with a speedboat. And then a speedboat hits it. Oh, no. Oh, I didn't want that. At least it wasn't you guys. Okay, bye.
But yeah, no, I think eight and a half out of ten is a solid film. It's good. I mean, especially when you're talking about a movie that even someone like Jeff, who isn't normally into horror movies, liked someone who is into horror movies like it. So you're going to be able to get something out of it either way. And it's not the type of film that is so.
like super gory. Like even the alligator bites, you'll see like some of the aftermath of the wound, but it's not like it lingers on anything. Yeah. Like I said, the one ultra gory scene was the one part that I counted as my least favorite thing. Yeah. It was just some tissue paper man being taken apart by gators. Like it's, it's real good. I would say go see it, see it in theaters. If not rent it.
It's a good movie. It took me out of the movie the way that like that one lady gets getting killed. It took me out of the movie like I was a baby that was crying. Yeah. So it took me out of the movie and I stood in the hallway of the movie theater and still annoyed everyone with the baby because damn it, I want to see the movie. Yeah. There was like an eight year old at our filming of this. Yeah, there was kind of behind us, but quiet. I was amazed because when I saw them going, it was like a family and they had like a 14 year old and eight year old going. I'm like, oh, come on. Yeah, I had.
bad expectations for that, but I actually have no theater report on this film. Yeah, it's because you went with me instead of by yourself this time. Usually, if I go with you, it's someone behind me that's just loud enough for me and not you. Usually, if I go with you, my luck boils down to some person eating plastic wrapped in plastic. Or doing that thing with their straw for 45 minutes. Good. Yeah. So there you go. That is Crawl. And if you like what you hear, you want to support us, of course, you can go over to patreon.com slash system mastery. Supporting us at any level helps us keep the show on the air. Let's just do what we're doing. We've got bonus content for so much of our other things. And it means that in the future, if we get enough going on, then we can look at doing some little extras for movie mastery as well for you. We're working on it. We're trying to, we're sussing things out. We're doing the math. I mean, it'll probably be.
another monthly thing that goes under the $5 level. Yeah, I like the afterthought level. It would be an extra incentive at the $5 level, effectively. Yeah, we just put more content there. We've been working on it. We just have to figure out something that works in both our schedules and is super high quality. The very best of quality. Only the best for our listeners. Yeah. So there you go. You can also find us on Twitter, Facebook, Gmail, Reddit. We're System Mastery everywhere. OkCupid, I think. Man, we should make it. I've said this before, but my profile, I converted entirely to a System Mastery profile years ago. Oh, man. Right about the point where they said you have to use your real name on OkCupid. I changed my real name on there to System Mastery. So I think it already does exist.
Sweet, yeah. Someone date our show. It's just a picture of Dungeon World that I was reading in a bar at the time when I saw the change was happening. Oh, that definitely got flagged and pulled down. Probably by now, yeah. So anyway, thank you for listening. We would love for you to join us on our Discord, join us in Reddit, whatever it is. You can also, of course, go to SystemMasteryPodcast.com, go to the Movie Mastery tab and in theaters now if you want to vote for what we see next month. But until that time, you have a good one.