Inner travel through the Emotional Healing, and Inner Transformation — Mended Roses with Kokila Rajendran

Welcome to Mended Roses. I am Kokila Rajendran. This is my first episode. I call it The Girl Who Learned to Disappear.I start with a question I asked last week. If you were not afraid of letting anyone down, what would you want. Many people sat with a blank page. They could not remember what wanting feels like. I know that feeling. Today I share my story. It is about a little girl who learned early that her voice did not count. Her feelings could be ignored. Her life felt like something to apologize for. That girl was me.If you struggle to know what you want, listen close. You did not forget. Someone taught you to forget. A long time ago.I grew up with my grandmother until age twelve. From outside, I looked like a princess. People cared for me. They protected me. I felt safe. Nobody saw what happened inside. I spoke my thoughts only in my head. Outside I stayed quiet. I watched others. As the youngest, I learned by observing.I learned you do not ask for help. Even when you need it most. I was nine or ten. A family gathering happened at my parents house. I came from grandmothers place. Cousins arrived from a far state in India. I felt excited. Other children to play with at last.We ran around. We played. Then one cousin broke my fathers favorite pot. He grew a plant in it for years. I watched it fall. I watched it break. Everyone knew I did not do it. My father knew. He looked at me. He shouted at me. Not at the cousin. I cannot yell at guests, he said. My daughter should have stopped them.I stood there. Nine years old. Punished for something I did not do. Told that my cousins feelings mattered more than truth. I mattered less than peace. I could not accept it. I left with tears on my face. In that moment I learned my feelings get pushed aside. My truth weighs less than others happiness. I stay only if I make others feel good.I stayed sensitive. Kind. People now call that weak. I figured out rules that changed all the time. The rule from that day stayed. You take blame when others mess up. You manage how others feel. You give up your feelings to belong.I became a watcher. I solved problems in my head. I saw issues coming. I fixed them before anyone noticed. I learned to disappear.Outside I still looked like a princess. Everything provided. Everything handled. Inside nobody saw. I spent my life learning not to exist. I thought of others needs before mine. Asking help meant weakness. Speaking up brought risk. My voice counted less than others comfort.Marriage came. My husband is a good man. He never asked me to disappear. He welcomed my voice. I did not know how to use it. Twenty years of practice made me invisible. I read people well. I knew their needs. I made myself small so they felt big.He asked what I want for dinner. I said what do you feel like eating. He asked what to do this weekend. I said I do not mind. You pick. He saw me as nice. Easy. Flexible. Truth was different. I stood nine years old by the broken pot. What I think counts less than what keeps others happy. I did what I learned. Disappear. Stay small. Trade feelings for belonging.Twins arrived. Marriage made me smaller. Children made me invisible. Choices centered on them. Best for babies. Keep them safe. Help them grow. My needs stayed off the list. Like at nine years old.That freeze showed truth. The girl who learned to disappear stayed. She hid better. The woman I became stood by that pot. Believing I manage everyone else. I have no needs.Listen if this sounds familiar. You sit unable to name what you want. Someone taught you the same.That girl inside tries to keep you safe. She makes you small. We help her when we see her. We reclaim what we lost when we remember it.I am Kokila Rajendran. This is Mended Roses. For the ache inside. Do the work. You are a Mended Rose. Your broken places prove you survived. Light enters there.