What did you think of my new instrumental version of the theme song? It was meditative. It's funny you say that. Why?
Because I've been thinking a lot about meditative tones. Yes, I'm waiting for you to start making strictly meditation music. I found an app that creates sounds. That's cool.
A HZs. The frequencies. Some of which are healing. Right.
I know. That's what I... Trying to find things that heal. Face masks, frequencies, naps.
Yeah, I was on this last tour that I was on. And the bus I did spend quite a bit of time in my bunk with my sound canceling headphones on. Always can. Looking through YouTube for tone video.
They're not video's, they're sounds. The ones that I liked the best were just a pure tone. They're called binaural tones. That's interesting.
I wonder if I would like something like that while I'm working. I'm so picky. I wonder if anyone else has this issue. But I do hear that a lot of people are able to listen to either music or podcasts while they're working.
Seems like a lot of people who work from home at their desks. I don't know because I don't really understand the computer job world. But it seems like there's a lot of people who listen to things while they're working. And I also do when I'm in my studio, but I'm very, very picky about the sounds that I allow into my space when I'm working.
Because it can be very distracting for me. Like I can't just throw on like the Rolling Stones or something while I'm sewing or crocheting. It takes me too many other places and then I'm going to screw up whatever I'm working on. It's distracting.
Yeah, the tones that I was listening to were just literally just like, like I would just listen to that for like a half an hour. See, that's intriguing. I like that while I did my breathing. And then, but then I'm also wondering, gosh, I wonder if even just that would also distract me.
I don't know. Well, this is a 129 Hertz. It may be a bad tone. Oh, are there tones that trigger bad things?
Hmm. It's all made. Very specific about the Hertz. Uh-huh.
It's kind of complicated. I found a lot of, I found out a lot about it today. What? Stay tuned for a very special treat.
Or treat? Are you ready? Okay. Are we there yet?
No. That was a news tonight. Oh, it's set. That is a representation.
An imitation. An attempt to recreate what is going on inside that brain is 24-7. Yeah, I found a tone generator on my phone. It's an app.
And I was like, wow, finally, I can do what I've been thinking about for a long time. You know, since we got the podcast, I really wanted it to, at some point, begin the process of recreating my tonight is for everybody. How generous of you. Yeah.
And that's my first attempt. I'm, I think I'm going to, I'm going to, I want to get it down. I would. Because there's two tones.
Okay. Those are two tones. One that was running at, um, 12,000 Hertz. Okay.
And the other one is running at 8,000 Hertz. Guess what? What? Both of them hurt.
Well. Well, much better than they had. I was witnessing all the time and waiting for it to end. It was like someone was putting a very, very tiny needle in my ear.
Well, each, each of my ears, although they say that tonight. That was a mistreatment. Tonight is in your brain. Yeah, it was not a treat.
Well, you know me and Fort track man. Oh, goodness. We're a little contrary. We just lost like two listeners.
I don't know. I suppose I could shorten that, and the final editing. I thought it was important to get at least 40 seconds in there. Well, that really does help drive the point home.
I mean, this is like, this is what's living it, that actually makes me feel awful. That's what's living in your head all the time. That's my first attempt to recreate what it is. It's not that loud.
It's loud. I mean certainly at 3 o'clock in the morning But so I found this Hertz generator this frequency generator Mm-hmm, and so I found it, you know two hours ago, so I probably could do a lot more work You could a lot a lot more work to recreate it It does feel like the tonight is there that each ear generates its own tone Which is interesting making it binaural because a lot of the meditation tones are also binaural and they're slightly off from each other Uh-huh got a lot more research to do and as you know here on Ron Prashins facts are not our strong point. Yeah conjecture is Definitely sometimes downright incorrect information is more where we're coming from and Yeah, someone's got something to say or something to teach me sure I'm teachable. I'm a teachable person available for learning I'm available for learning, but I'm starting the journey of not only recreating my tonight is but also I want to use the synthesizer more I want to create I want to start to really I want to create soundscapes I want to go back to that I want to go back to You know the beginnings back to the beginning.
You know there's a sound of the earth. Wow. No, I didn't I mean that makes sense Yeah, yeah, that has a specific frequency as well. They say they they have a lot to say don't they they do What we were talking about right before we started recording was Fidget's fidget's that you know people use to keep their hands occupied or their mouths I was sort of pondering this because you know this morning when I was brushing his his hair She said look mom I made a fidget and she had like just put two of her little hair clips together and it's kind of funny so she could like open them and close them and open them and close them and and I was thinking I had this weird flashback to just being like a child and being in school and I'm This is like I guess a sign of where I'm like progress It's really nice There's certain things and I'm like that's a really nice change for kids now where they don't maybe have to like attack their bodies You know cuz like I I could get really distracted by like picking something or you know I mean like taking your all your eyelashes out.
Yeah, you know and or like you know even just like scratching my face Or picking a zit or something or I don't know I like that Kids can pick at things instead of themselves. It is I think it's like wow well I think it's also just cool to like acknowledge that you know Sometimes we need a little something to fiddle with hmm to help us like focus on other things and especially because I think you know Half the population now has ADHD right? I mean that's it listen again facts. It's not a fact I'm just saying that a lot of people maybe they're like hey, I need I need something Oh, this might be make me feel better.
Well this maybe maybe the tones are like the fidget of the mind Yeah, these are all kind of like comforting advancements that we are allowing into into society and I think that's really positive You know can I just make a note before this disappears. This is the sleep awake theta This is an imitation. This is on my synthesizer. This is what it sounded like on the YouTube video It says five hertz, but it's not five hertz.
That's not the frequency It's it's two tones that are five hertz apart. This is where I got confused I thought it was simple. I just thought five hertz meant the tone, but that's not the tone You can't really hear five hertz. This feels like there's a semi outsider house.
Oh, yeah Yeah, that's what I was thinking to is while I was you know on the bus I'm thinking are there therapy is me listening to the the idling bus is that therapeutic? Possibly yeah hearing the refrigerator in one year and hearing the bus idling in the other are less is that therapeutic? Is there a way for me to make my tinnitus? Therapeutic possibly this is an interesting way to reframe something you live with right?
It's either something that you're like Again, this also is kind of like fidget's right? It's like you're either gonna like try to like force yourself to stop to do this You know or you're gonna allow yourself to find a way to live with it health in a healthy way, right? Which fidget's are like healthy releases for people That's my understanding anyway, I mean like in Izzy's classroom They can they can have fidget's and things like that, you know in school and I think that that's really sweet. I have been Taking a zoom meditation class.
I did it in the spring some in the summer and now again it started up in the fall and I noticed that like I'm really like needing this yeah Because I think one of my Challenges in my life has been not not chasing Those bad thoughts You know like it's like if the bad thought is this wild horse, you know and instead of like Opening up the gate and letting it run free you jump on it and you like go for this crazy ride, you know And you're just hanging on for dear life while it's like bucking and turning and You're looking at me. So I'm confused. Are you saying this is a way to tame the thought you're actually jumping on the horse rather than Running it run free. Yeah, I'm saying letting it run free is kind of like also letting it go like seeing it run off in the distance It's like bye there you went.
This is a thought that's not serving me instead of like My past habit has been to jump on the wild feral horse and you know with no What's the thing saddle on it? You know, it's like bear back bear back. I'm gonna bear back this wild horse bear back in some anxiety Yeah, and depression and you know and it's like It helps me to think of my bad thoughts or my bad train of thoughts as like an object or a thing You know like either like I said the wild horse or I've often you know thought of it as like a thorn like a literal thorn that I've stepped on or got pricked by it and like oh I've got to get rid of that and then I'm gonna put a little band-aid on and it's gonna Get better now and you know and meditation is sort of like putting my little band-aid on and trying to heal those wounds And then with the wild horse, I'm just sort of like how do I just let you go sometimes? You know, I just want to open up that gate and just let you go and I can see you run off in the distance and well I had that you know that um To deal with fear during the pandemic and in my life in general to be perfect for you.
That's what I mean Something that I read that was that was useful to me was that you actually do have to address it and allow it to come in and Sort of allow your I mean said like get out of here You know instead of pushing it away inviting it in and I had like a whole mantra that I came up with for myself So it's like hello fear get in here coming whispering my ear Make my what-ifs into will-be's bring that nervous sweat oozing out of me. I know you mean well To keep me prepared But what you warned me of is rarely there. So that's enough It's time to go you say you do but you don't know That's so poignant I only wrote that for yourself. Yeah, I just did it through rote memorization of it I would come up I came up with it just in the middle of the night And I would just go over and come up with lines and then try to remember it.
I never wrote it down I mean I did eventually but um it's not perfect yet I would like some more stuff in the middle, but it kind of hits all the points that it needs to hit for me And it also I like the idea of like hey fear come here. Come in come here. Tell me what do you have to tell me what you have to say Make my what-ifs into will-be's You know what though it's you you let it in but then you do let it go. So it's like you have it runs its course It's like almost like a it's like a it's like I see the wild horse We look at each other and make eye contact.
I'm like, okay, okay Here we are we're facing each other. You're the bad thing the emergency is flashing in size. Yeah But then you know, I guess yeah, then you just make a decision you either say in the ring with it or you are you let it go? Or you hop on its back.
Well, yeah, the hopping on the back thing is like do a little rodeo I know I know how long you can ride it sometimes you got to do a rodeo with your bad thoughts So you got to like ride those out until that's been the most productive thing for me I found is that instead of trying to shut the thoughts out is welcoming them in and Examining them examining them a little bit letting them run their course I mean I think but the thing with fear is that it is literally it's literally something that I had to like physically experience like fear is a very Physical it's like bring the nervous sweat out of me I wanted to make I'm still kind of working on it because I want to make some reference to how panic spreads up my back Like it comes right up the back of my spine the back of my neck get the little hairs up, right? That's a little oh, you know, and um, you know, there's a lot of talk about how our primal our primal selves still live within us And the way that we would have reacted when someone was I mean in the wild, you know When we were faced with like physical threats predator danger or that that we live in a much We live so separated from that that kind of primal world But we still have primal reactions to what we deem threats which are often you know for us now threats are often come in in the form of words But we we still register them as um primal physical threats like we're just trying to process fear and anxiety and um in useful ways, so right, but I did I found some useful ways yeah, and I mean that's what I'm saying is I think I am too You know and I'm I'm finally, you know now in my life Kind of facing them and I think a more healthy way, you know and and you know, but with that um, it's funny they're sort of like a grief involved, you know and Because you're letting go of like a old way of being true. Yeah, it's like even if it didn't serve you And that's it's odd to grieve something that doesn't serve you, but it still is a part of you for so long That's funny. That's true.
I mean that's something that that's all that's the kind of language they use with addictions as well like um And I think you know I I wrote a song a while ago. I mean first the last sebido record like um I had a line called the sorrow tempts me again, you know, it's like the sorrow tempts me. It's like it's like you Um, oh, I miss it when I can't remember. I can't read my I'm gonna announce my or recite my own lyrics, but I did recite my fear mantra So that was thank you for sharing that.
I know that's very personal. Um, not done ruined it No, I think it's a gift that maybe that actually makes it even more You know powerful other people can hear that mantra and maybe it would be meaningful to them I uh, yeah, but yeah, it's you know, it's kind of like, you know the change is necessary You know where you got to go And you know the thing that you had maybe wasn't good or just plain wasn't good But yeah, it's just changed you have to grieve the change sometimes and uh, it's just sticky. It's just fine. Change is just sticky You know, it's just real sticky.
It's not Some slick little smooth process. It's a booger. It's such a booger. That's that booger that won't let go your your index figure I don't know.
It's kind of like when you accidentally touch something that has grease on and you're like, okay, I'm gonna Where how do I get this off, you know? Oh, I don't know. I've just been thinking about a lot of stuff. I think it's because you know, I As you get older too, you have to face a lot of like realities with your your body, you know your physical growth and um, how your body's aging and whether or not there's things in there that shouldn't be there or You know, I don't know if you want to be if you want to be transparent about what you're what you're worried about.
I mean, I think I mean you as an aging woman you go in for tests every year. Yeah, um right now you've The doctors are concerned that you have a breast tissue that's especially dense and can be And it puts you at a higher risk. Right for breast cancer. Yeah, and I think I'm just I Yeah, I'm just kind of like Because we know we know and we have experience with yeah, we have people we love who you know, that's I mean gosh, I don't know what me heart.
You'd be hard pressed to find anyone right now who doesn't anyone that's true, you know, um, I think Yeah holding that fear while not letting it right away from me. It just gets so crazy big. I mean, I don't I'm probably fine. It's probably all fine it's just the in between time Yeah and waiting between appointments and things and um So I just uh, and even if this appointment, you know ends up Fine, I have to be checked regularly.
Um, so yeah, just it's you know, it adds a new New something in my life, right? New dimension of fear and apprehension the unknown the unknown. Yeah So I'm just holding a lot of Yeah, you are because we Things right now know what's happening is we have to you're going in for another set of tests and yeah And a week or two it's almost tortures of like two weeks from down you're like, oh, so then you have to go day by day and sort of keep your Keep your anxiety and your fear and check. Yeah, so I guess I'm just sort of in this like um monitoring my emotions, you know part right now like okay at all you got to still get out of your day and you still got to like keep moving and get stuff done and just all the practical things and Work and whatnot and um, so yeah, it's just I don't know It's amazing what we all juggle and everyone's juggling so many things in their life and That's just incredible all these like invisible weights were caring, you know, everyone's Little personal backpack of worry is so different, but you don't know what it is, you know, because you can't see it But we all have our our worries, but I'm just kind of feeling a little um Yeah, just a little fragile these days