It's Not People-Pleasing, It's Fawning

If you've spent your life being told you're "too nice," "a people-pleaser," or that you just need to "set better boundaries," this episode is for you. Fawning is the fourth trauma response, and for most folks with complex PTSD, it's been... a thing... for decades. In this episode, Sarah unpacks what fawning actually is (hint: it's not a personality flaw), how it gets built in childhood, what it can feel like in the body, and three small experiments to begin the work of coming home to yourself.This is one of the most requested topics on The Complex Trauma Podcast. Sarah brings together the foundational work of Pete Walker, current research on complex trauma and emotional neglect, parts work and structural dissociation from Janina Fisher, polyvagal theory, and somatic experiencing into one  conversation about why so many of us learned to disappear into other people, and how we begin to find our way back.In this episode, you'll learn:The difference between fawning and people-pleasing, and why the distinction matters for healingHow fawning develops as a brilliant survival adaptation in childhood, often before you have language to remember itWhy the latest research shows emotional neglect is the strongest predictor of complex PTSDSeven somatic markers of fawning, including the rehearsing, the scanning, the voice change, and the disappearanceHow blended states (sympathetic activation plus dorsal shutdown) explain why fawning leaves you exhausted and wired at the same timeThe reframe that changes everything: you are not a fawner. You have parts of you that fawn.Three small, sticky experiments you can try this week: The Body Audit, The 1% Honest Answer, and The Tiny NoWhy titration (slow, tiny, repeated) is the only way trauma responses actually unwindMentioned in this episode:Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete WalkerFawning by Dr. Ingrid ClaytonEmbracing our Fragmented Selves by Janina FisherWaking the Tiger and In an Unspoken Voice by Peter LevineThe CDC-Kaiser ACE StudyWhy Regulation Feels So Hard with CPTSD (previous episode)Sarah's conversation with Janina Fisher (previous episode)Thanks for listening to The Complex Trauma Podcast!Be sure to follow, share and give us a review on your favorite podcast platform.Follow on Instagram: @sarahherstichlcsw Follow on TikTok: @sarahherstichlcswLearn more about EMDR & trauma therapy in Pennsylvania with Reclaim TherapyThis podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended as a substitute for professional medical, psychological, or nutritional advice, diagnosis, or treatment.Remember, I'm a therapist, but I'm not your therapist. Nothing in this podcast is meant to replace actual therapy or treatment. If you're in crisis or things feel really unsafe right now, please reach out to someone. You can call 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, text them, or head to your nearest ER.The views expressed by the host and guests are their own and do not represent the opinions of any organizations or institutions. Reliance on any information provided by this podcast is solely at your own risk.