It's Okay to Feel BLEH.

Today is Mental Health Day. I’ve been feeling BLEH. And that’s a-okay! It’s natural.

But it’s harder to get me moving. It’s more difficult to write when you're not feeling great… Though perhaps that's when writing helps the most!

With or without social media, it's difficult to share the darker, unhappier side of yourself. There's a fear of being disliked, of being the downer, the negastar. 😆 And I hate being the heavyweight—not the MMA kind but the kind that brings the mood down.

I love cheering people up and making sure everyone is having a good time. But that gets tiring! At the end of the day, other people's joy and experiences are not our responsibility. Just like my happiness is no one else's responsibility but my own.

Own your emotions. Own your reactions. Own your decisions.

☝🏻️ Some of my favorite life lessons.

Two-Wheel Updates

Inspired by Anna, my friend from Barcelona who brought me around on her scooter, I’m motivated to take more motorcycle trips of my own. Apart from having to Google how to open the seat so I could load gas (I couldn’t find the lock! 🤣), it’s been smooth sailing. I've had some dumb driver moments, but the image of an old man with his hands in the air will never let me make the same mistakes again. SHAME!

Is this imposter syndrome?

When asked about my podcast, I find that I downplay it. I even feel ashamed to promote it. Why?! One reason is: “Who the hell am I to publish a podcast?!” Hence my disclaimer that it's more for me than for anyone else.

It might also be because I feel like I can do better. While I find the conversations fun and valuable for me, my performance as a host is subpar at best. I'm usually just out of bed, hungover, or in a wapakels mood, enjoying the moment; I don't feel like I steer the conversation well, and I find myself oh so ineloquent. Wah!

Speaking of which, even my Spanish is stagnating. BOO. Hopefully, the classes help!

I’m Janine and I’m unemployed.

I've realized that though logically I know not to tie my worth to a job, being unemployed is making me all jittery and defensive. Like I have to justify why I'm without work, which sucks! Because I'm appreciative of this time to relax, reflect on what I really want from my career, take courses to improve skills I want to build, and go to aforementioned Spanish classes.

We are more than our jobs! Life is more than work. Repeat 483x.

Mindless Focus While Picking Apples

I feel so lucky to have been part of the cider-making process with Mikel’s friends last Saturday. I enjoyed the manual labor, hanging on branches, and lugging around sacks of apples while everyone spoke another language. I could be in my own little world, using my voice only when I was curious about the process. They let me use the juice pressing machine too, which was cool!

Here's a quick rundown of the process: First, gather a ton of apples. Wash ‘em. Next, run them through a shredder. The shreds then go into a contraption that extracts the delicious apple juice. The freshly strained juice is then pumped into the fermentation tanks while the dried up bits are thrown into the river.😅 (I've made it this far in the process!)

As for when it'll be ready for bottling, I'll ask them about that next time!

While cider-making is fun (and tiring!) the highlight of the day was meeting our friends’ peppy mom named Pepi (and their neighbor who lent extra chairs and helped move tables around!). The first descriptor for me over here is that I’m Filipina so they latched onto that and started sharing trivia. I was reminded of Urdaneta’s contribution to navigation.😅 I’ve forgotten so many bits of our history!

You alone are responsible for the person you become and the life you create. So own it!

Feeling BLEH

Yes, I’ve been feeling bleh lately. I’ve been doubting myself, hating on me, and anxious about the future. But these days are when I’m so grateful for my go-to peeps. Without them, I’d be even crazier than I am now.

Or. Wait.

Without them, I might have been sad and sane instead of fun and crazy—I'd choose fun and crazy any day.😜 Joking aside, the people we choose to have in our lives play a crucial role in our sense of home and happiness. Thank goodness for the internet and its power to connect us across timezones!

Before I say bye, just a reminder that’s it’s ok to not feel ok. Reach out to someone you love and who loves you, even when you’re not at your 100%.❤️ Byeee!

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