Izzy Kalman: What the Bullying Conversation Gets Wrong

Everything you’ve been taught about bullying might be making it worse.Izzy Kalman has been a school psychologist and psychotherapist since 1978 — and since the 1999 Columbine shooting, he’s been the anti-bullying movement’s most persistent critic. In this episode, he argues that a generation of “zero tolerance” policies, mandated by law, took the very things that escalate conflict and taught them as the right thing to do — training kids toward an external locus of control, fragility, and a victim mindset that follows them into adulthood, the workplace, and the college campus.Then he does something rare on this show: he proves it live. Ryan and Izzy run the “insult game” — a real-time demonstration of how the Golden Rule works, not as a moral platitude, but as applied psychology rooted in our biological wiring for reciprocity.In this conversation:Why the post-Columbine approach to bullying backfiredInternal vs. external locus of control — and why it predicts a happy, successful lifeResilience, fragility, and how good intentions weakened a generationThe science of the Golden Rule and why we’re wired for reciprocityHow to handle insults, cyberbullying, and conflict without anyone’s helpWhy “the bullies aren’t them — they’re us”Guest: Israel “Izzy” Kalman, MS — director of Bullies to Buddies, creator of the Golden Rule System, author of Bullies to Buddies: How to Turn Your Enemies into Friends, and lead author of the Be Strong Resilience Program. His work has been featured in The New York Times, Good Morning America, and TEDx.Learn more about Izzy:Website: https://www.izzykalman.comPsychology Today (Resilience to Bullying): https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/resilience-bullyingConnect with Ryan:COLLIDE newsletter: https://ryanvet.com/collideWebsite: https://ryanvet.comLinkedIn: https://linkedin.com/in/ryanvetInstagram: https://instagram.com/theryanvetshowBook Ryan to speak: https://ryanvet.com/generational-speakerChapters:00:00 Cold open00:36 Welcome — challenging the bullying orthodoxy01:28 Columbine and the birth of the anti-bullying movement08:28 Progressive philosophy and internal vs. external locus of control11:55 Resilience vs. fragility: how we weakened a generation12:48 Victim mindset, lawsuits, and “13 Reasons Why”17:22 The science of the Golden Rule21:14 Why we’re wired for reciprocity22:31 The insult game (live demonstration)30:10 The two illusions revealed34:37 Comedy, cancel culture, and “making fun”37:42 Social media and cyberbullying41:41 “The road to hell is paved with good intentions”42:47 “The bullies aren’t them — they’re us”44:37 Where to find Izzy KalmanSend us Fan MailAbout Ryan VetRyan Vet is a USA TODAY bestselling author, futurist, and international keynote speaker whose insights on generations, culture, and the future of work have been featured in Forbes, Financial Times, ABC, NBC, and CBS. His research helps leaders understand emerging generational patterns and anticipate societal shifts before they fully unfold.Join 20,000+ Leaders for Weekly InsightsIf you want deeper research and behind-the-scenes insights on generations and the future of culture and society, join Ryan’s weekly newsletter:👉 https://ryanvet.com/collide