See, you just sit sit. Oh, hello. He gets on his shoulders and puts his balls in his face. Hey, you're not on the air.
Really, Rumble B? My gosh, what am I saying all the time? What? All this totally moving, new and improving.
Now, can we get back home? I'm not the horn and desire. I'm on the wrong bike up to the top. Welcome to the show.
Smoke Machine died, which means it's going to come back when you least expect it. So be ready, everybody. Yeah. Jamie Lee Simmons, welcome to the show.
Be prepared. You're about to get. There it is. Hey, what's up?
Thanks for having me. To care that. I just had to. Dude, I saw this story.
It's not new news. But before we started taping today about, I mean, I've seen a lot of stories of people doing dumb things because they were stoned. I can't even believe this is real. These guys were trafficking weed and became convinced that they were being followed by multiple unmarked police cars and couldn't take the pressure of just get it over with.
They called 911. To go, can you just rest ourselves? Was it laced or was it just weight? Were they high while they were driving?
Of course they were. Yeah. They had 20 pounds of weed. But it was weight, not laced with anything.
No. Yeah. Like man. I mean, if you want to hear it, I've seen that where people call the cops on themselves.
And I'm like, all right, come on. I've smoked. I've done drugs. I'm not stupid, though.
I saw some other ones where somebody broke into his house and stole his weed plants. So he calls the cops. Well, you've still got weed plants there. You've got hydroponic set up.
This is stupid. But it's like, that's sort of like, that's that cough that they confiscated weed brandies. And then they ate it. And then they called the ambulance to say that they're dead.
Sure. Right. I saw another guy who got stoned. And him and his college bro bras put on handcuffs and then couldn't figure out how to get them off.
So they're like, well, just go to the police station. I think I'm off handcuffs. But the problem is he still had weed on him when he went to the police station. He smelled the weed.
He was totally stoned. And he had a warrant. Oh, man. He had previously dove headfirst into somebody's windshield.
OK. Yeah. I have been in a police state, a state police station with a ton of weed on me. Like, and yeah.
So I totaled my vehicle in the Boston tunnel. We high? No. No.
But it was a four car pile up. I just had anxiety. And I was a late driver. So I didn't start driving until I was 22.
And I looked this way to see if I could get over. And it's such stop and go traffic. By the time I looked like it was a quick one breaks. And I just slammed right into them four car pile up.
My car is totaled. And then my license fell under my seat. And I was like, I swear, I have a license. They're like, you have no license.
We can't find you. They looked me up. And they couldn't find me in the system of people, I guess. And then they tried to I couldn't find my insurance.
I was on the way to get my car re-registered in Massachusetts. So I didn't know that when I had got a new license, I canceled my insurance. So I had no insurance and no license. They couldn't figure out who I was.
So they're coming to the police. We're coming with us. And I just grabbed my purse. My car was fully detailed.
And so it was clean at a purse with the stuff that I was going to get it registered that day. And I had a bowl and maybe like a quarter of weed on me. And they take me to the state police station. I'm sitting in the state police station.
And all I'm thinking is, please don't have a dog come walk out. Please don't have a dog. I have weed on me. And I don't get in trouble.
My dad went to prison and stuff. So I've been around cops my whole life. And they berated me for what felt like an hour. And then they wrote me a warning.
I didn't even get a ticket. And then I left. And I was like, how the fuck did I just get out of this? I was like, I don't know how.
I don't know how, because I feel like I constantly reed. And it was just an it was an a zip lock bag. It's not like in a container where it hides the smell. Smoking when you got out of there must have been amazing.
It was. Yeah. I was like, this is so stressful. But you got lucky.
I got so lucky. That's crazy. Can you guess because you're hot? Yep.
I appreciate your honest. Must be nice. And why? Well, you got to say it sometimes.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's no reason I should not have gotten a ticket or in trouble.
Yeah. If you were an ugly black person. Oh, goodness. Double whammy muckling.
So Jamie, I was listening to your podcast, Two Girls, One Blood. And you started a recent episode saying, I don't know if it was you or your co-host. I think it was you. Something I found incredibly profound.
And then right after that, one of you said one of the dumbest things I've ever heard entirely. Right. That sounds like my podcast. The dumb one was, wasn't the Civil War 60 years ago?
Oh, that's me. All right. Well, maybe you didn't say the smart. Were you listening to the clip or the episode?
No, the clip in the book. OK. So in the episode, she was talking about how our parents' generation weren't abused enough. This is the profound thing.
And I was like, well, I think kids of the, or like generations who have been in the, and I said the Civil War, first of all, we smoke copious amounts of weed before we use the podcast. I use that. No, no, but that's what that, I mean, that's what's just one about the show. It's like hanging out with you.
Yeah, we're just so stupid. Like I'm not, even though it's a comedy podcast, I don't sometimes want to be as polished. Like I want to be stupid and like say stupid. So we just lean into that.
We have really good banter where we know what the other one's doing. So you go ahead. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, make me look stupid.
That's a good clip. It was a good clip because it was the perfect button to put on this really profound statement, which was we all acknowledge that we live in a world where people used to get the crap out of their kids and that was wrong. Oh, that's over. And now, most people have gotten the message that that's like no way to raise your kids, right?
But the generation that got the message that they should stop hitting their kids did not get the message that you should also try to raise them in an emotionally and psychologically sane way. Yeah. It is really cool to see the kids nowadays. I've got a really motivational because I think that like, yes, there's still, it's sad but it's true.
They're still a kid out there getting smacked right now. But most people got the message. We as a society have largely put that behind us. We're all the generation where our parents had evolved that much, but they just had a total blind spot for the things that they were doing psychologically emotionally.
And now we're raising kids where we're like, we're not perfect. Nobody is, but we're like, they weren't even thinking about what they were doing emotionally and psychologically. And I don't know a parent nowadays who hasn't at least considered is this good for my child's emotional wellbeing. Am I older than, why did I get beaten and emotionally?
I got beaten too. I was like, I got the bell. I got soap in the mouth. Soap in the mouth.
You think I have red hair and a good childhood. Like wait, I soap in myself in the mouth one time. Oh, wait, just teach yourself a lesson? Yeah.
Shut up. I did. As a kid. Did you learn anything kid?
He's a bad boy. I know. What you do to make yourself yourself. My mom caught me given the TV, the finger, when I lost playing Donkey Kong.
Wow. I don't know if I need anything to show with you. Really? We're supposed to be men, man.
Yeah. Wait, did you show your mom that you soaked your mouth? No, I didn't tell anybody. Check it on your own.
Reconnaissance. So that just throws me the level of psychological abuse. Right. Your parents instilled in you that you were like, I was so bad, I have to do this.
For sure. And I was raised like I went to Catholic schools all the way. And that makes sense. Right.
But it was it's so powerful. I can only imagine how powerful it was for other people. Because I never heard Jesus is watching you or it's like all the really cliche stuff nobody ever said that to me. That stuff was already gone.
And yet still there I was putting a bar of soap in my own mouth. Then did you ever flip a TV off again? Oh, yeah. So you didn't let it.
Wait, hey, man, that's the viewer. But now I'm as an adult. He's like, babe, can you get the bar soap? No way.
That makes me. It's crazy. That's pretty kooky. I wish I could tell you that's where all the kings come from.
Pretty much. It is. Yeah. I don't have any.
You don't have any. You're a vanilla guy? I think you have all the kids. Is that what it is?
Yeah. I just don't use it as normal. He's like, that's a king. I just thought.
Yeah, like, I don't OK. Yeah. I mean, I'm out for it. Why did you buy the Batman custom?
Because I was going to interview trans people for trans rights. I haven't thought about having sex as Batman one time. It's right now. And I pictured it.
And I was like, hmm, that's solid. Oh, wow. I did feel kind of horny when I put it on. I would.
I had an ex-super into Spider-Man. And like, we would talk about him putting on a costume. And I was like, I could be into that. You ever see dating apps where people are dressed as Spider-Man in their dating app?
That's me. Wait, you dressed as a- I wear Spider-Man costume. It's you. It's me.
You're talking about me. I saw you. Yeah. I didn't swipe on it because I was like, no, I'm not into Spider-Man.
Or Spider-Man. I like nerdy guys. So that weeds out the people who think that's weird. And then I get my nerdy man.
You like nerdy dudes. Like to an extent. I want like a dude you wouldn't know is nerdy. I could be wrong.
But I think nerdy guys are less manly. I feel like they eat. Wait, that's why I'm saying I want a manly nerd. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Manly men don't. That's the new thing now. People are saying eating is gay. What?
Yeah, this is crazy. I think they're starting cultures where some men don't do it. Like they eat it as less manly. Sure.
They're suffering. Like that big fat guy that makes music. Dude, a coward. He's a terrible person.
Right? When he was a kind of guy, I don't like you or support you as an artist. Which is crazy because she has had sex with him. And that seems- You should be eating the- He's like, thank you.
He just- he just- He just sounds like I haven't sex with him. I'd rather do a lot of stuff than have sex with him. He's a hideous person. I don't like anything- I don't have to be on top and I hate that.
That's too much work. Yeah, because he can't get up and pump. Yeah. Yeah, he's gonna gas that quick.
So cool. Maybe that ends quick. And how do you move the- His belly's a big one. And it seems like- I haven't had sex with someone with a belly yet.
Ever. I was wondered. Like what if you're doing doggy style on the belly just on your back? It has to.
Like they use it as like a- If it isn't, it's in the way. So that's for sure what it's gonna do. For sure. I was like, that would cause lower back problems for me.
I can't handle that way. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. I mean, I feel like, you know, I've had sex with fit girls that get gas tapping on top.
I get gas out. I think there's a technique that I've noticed that there's girls where they use their- on their knees and they just use their butt muscles to go up and down. And then there's girls that think that they're gonna get on their feet and do it. And those are the ones that gas out.
See, I do better on my feet than I want my knees. That's why you gas out though. No, but if I do the knees, I got bad knees. I'm like this hurt.
So I'm like actually like getting off not because I'm gassed out, but it's like my knees are in pain. And then my leg locks up. What are your bad knees? What career did you have before?
I played soccer and tore my LCO. So I'm like, oh my god. See, I'm bad. Ligamins and stuff.
Yeah, me too. Yeah, it's bad. But for some reason I can just still persevere on top. See, I don't care enough.
Like, if I'm a guy, like there's some guys where I care enough and I'm like, I will power through this. There's something to prove there or I like you a lot. Like most guys, I'm like, no, I'm gonna lay back. You're gonna take care of me.
Wow. But if you really like them, because this isn't, this is a tell to me. I'm judging your thing on all women that I've ever slept with now. So you're saying that if a girl's on top and she is working it out and stays there, she really likes it.
Because I actually don't get off from being on top. I don't like it. Some do. Some do and they love it and then they love to be on top.
Yeah. And then guys are like, well, this one loves it. And I'm like, it doesn't even feel the same for me. So if I'm doing it, it's because I know you'll like this.
This is a special occasion. And if I'm doing it, that's like two minutes tops. Because you start to get this burn. Yeah, but if I have like a headboard or something to hold on to, I can do it a little longer.
Yeah, I'll do like a frog stance. Yeah. Where I'm like, I get a little bit towy. So you're on top too?
Well, I go, I do all kinds of stuff. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes I do stuff too. Yeah.
Yeah. So when I'm on top, because I got this wrist, I broke like a lot and it won't go back. So I'm a knuckle guy. But then if it's a bed, the knuckle sink.
So I like prong my fingers into the mattress and I'm on my, I don't know why my toes get. That's so funny. I think I do my knuckles too. I can't do flat palm.
Yeah, it hurts. It starts the one hand goes numb. Hey, everybody Jason else here. I live alone.
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What do you do? I know I was trying to tap into this conversation. I don't know that I have an on top. I mean, I usually just use my hands.
I guess I have some pretty functional wrists. I don't want to like I don't want to brag. You really are though. I'm very envious.
I think I just do whatever my hands and hands and hands to do in the moment. So much so I've never thought about it until this moment. I'm curious to know I can totally understand if you're in a casual situation, a one night situation, choosing to be lazy with somebody because you're not all that into it. The whole like I only work hard for somebody I'm really into.
Have you ever been in relationships that still didn't meet the standard of I'm going to work sexually? No. Okay. So if you're actually in a relationship with somebody you will put in sexual effort.
Yeah. If I'm dating you, I'm great in bed. But I also don't want to like lead with that because I already have red hair. What you step it up as it goes.
I step it up every time I hook up with someone. It gets a little bit better because I'm like, I don't want to just like whip it all out. Wow. That's exciting.
Yeah. It always gets better. And then you have like a new trick the next time. Yeah.
It always gets better. And you trapped it. You trapped it. But if you go all out in the beginning, then they're like, where'd she learn this?
She's a but if you slowly. I don't think that. No, some guys do though. They're like, that's fun.
It's fun. You don't want to go out with that guy. That's true. I also just like if it's the first time I'm always like awkward and nervous.
I get like very scared. So I'm like, yeah. You work out a lot. No.
Oh, here they are. If you ever done like a lot of vigorous exercise and then boned, then you're like, you've got barely anything left in the tank, but it's time to bring the A game and you just run like I've done stuff on fumes that you wouldn't know. I feel like if I'm working out, I'm actually more turned on because my body, I feel good. Yeah.
You know, it's usually like at the end of the night, I'm like, oh, you want me to perform right now? I'm like, I'm going to turn to the side and you just. I'm like, come on, let's just calm. Let's go to bed in the morning.
I guess that's like a maybe that's a younger person's game because you think that there's always tomorrow. You know, like I'm like, so you have like the like the quarter mile at a time approach. Every time I have sex, this could be the last time, you know, and I want to go out like with a good rep. Yeah.
I'm all hot. Yeah. I had a company, if I had to get up early and train, if I spar people and I get punched in their head a lot. And then I lift weights and then I'm like, I do stand up or one time I was dating the person that came over real late with a friend.
And I was like with girlfriend. I was like, Oh, we're not voting. And then they watched the movie with me. And then at the end of the movie, the girl that I was seeing, she goes, Hey, and I'm like, what?
Come in here and I'm like, Oh, cause her friend was asleep on the couch and I was like two. And I was like, we're definitely not doing it. And I was like, Oh, wow, at two, we're going to do it. And I remember thinking I'm really tired like I was on the couch myself.
And I was like, oh, oh, okay. And she was younger. She was really pretty. I really liked her.
And she was, and because I'm older and she's younger, it was like- She's way more energy. It was in my head too though, that she's 28 and I'm 52. And I was like, oh okay. And then I go in there and I'm like, man, this is as I was walking towards the bedroom.
I was like, all right. It's very rare that I could answer this question this way, but if you gave me a choice, would I go to sleep or would I have sex? I would have got to sleep. And I was like, that's crazy.
But I have this deep, deep mentality. Like I have like a, I feel like my penis is like David Goggins. Like I won't quit and I won't bitch and I won't ever give up. You know what I mean?
I'll take it. No matter what it is, I'll step up to the plate. That's how I feel about taking it. I'm like, don't be a- Like I could be a pain.
So your vagina is like David Goggins. Yeah. Yeah. She's an Olympic athlete.
Right. That's how I say it. But my legs and this, the meat suit, not an Olympic athlete. Right, but your brain controls that.
Yeah, but I'm such a sapiosexual that if you're not like- I need that a lot. But is that again? It means you're like turned on by like intellect. Like I find mine stimulated.
So it's like, for me, I need a lot to like me if you make it about me, I'm going to make it about you. Okay. So like, it's really good. Yeah, but I don't give it first.
They need to bring the passion and then you match. Yes. Okay, well that's this person always brought that. So when it was time to go, I remember- You're like I have to.
I remember there were a few times where I felt my body given up and I was like, don't you dare David Goggins. She's going to think you're old. She ended up thinking I was old anyway. Really?
That's what she said when we broke up. She's like, let's be serious. I'm 28, you're 52 and it echoes in my brain still to this. What does she mean by that?
What do you think she meant by that? I don't know. I mean, you know, it's pretty obvious, I thought. I think you live like a youthful lifestyle.
Yeah, but the number is the thing that was in her head. It's just weird that she wanted to do it in the first place because she hit me up. Interesting. Maybe she just wanted to hook up.
You got played. I think so. She bought me some stuff. She got me like a diary.
I was like, you should write in that. I learned that when people do think that for you, sometimes it doesn't mean they like you. Well, but isn't it possible we all have been in relationships that we like knew weren't going to go all the way, but we still wanted to be in them for what they were? Yeah.
Something wrong with that. Yeah. Yeah. What?
I feel bad about it. I miss him. Are you thinking of someone in particular? There's someone I was like, I don't know if it would work out long term because I'm a hustler.
Like I want to build an empire. I want to do social media and comedy and movies and all that kind of stuff. And if you have somebody who's working at nine to five, and then when you come home from when I worked at nine to five, I came home and I created to be able to quit the nine to five. And then when so I'm still working and creating and you're like, oh, I'm just done for the day and there's no other goals.
Yeah. And you just want to play video games the whole time. That's not. I was like, I started getting less attracted.
You'd have to be really hard though. But so I definitely think about it. I'm like, you'd have to be really hard for me to stay with you if you play video games every night. Yeah.
Like to me, if you're really hot and you play video games in like a cute little like, yeah, in a hot way, then maybe, but I'm still. I don't know. I'm still like, you're those are video games are so unattractive. Yeah.
I don't know. I don't know. I don't want to play with you. Like I'll play.
I'll hop on Mortal Kombat and kick your ass by the way. For a little bit. But for a little bit. But if you're like, if I'm like, all right, let's go watch a movie or like let's go and bet.
And I'm like trying to get to get to get two more rounds, babe. I'm like, oh, yeah, check yourself off. Yeah, check yourself off in the bathroom. I'm out.
Yeah. No, if you if you say not right now, I'm playing a video game, I lost my bar. No, yeah, I'm like, that is. Wait, you're saying that the video game is rivaling my David Goggins.
I mean, I'm military dick over here. I will not stop. You cannot beat me. But I'm almost on the third level.
Yeah, go jerk off. Yeah, I'm done. I think I was briefly in danger of becoming that guy when my son was born. My wife actually bought me a video game system because she's just like, you know, and I don't I really hadn't played since I was a kid ever since the talking.
Right. Fair enough. You don't need so for leaving. But she was like, look, we're just going to be stuck in the house with this kid.
You're not you only have so much time to have fun. You're not going to be going out like this. Go with it. And I got really into like Mario Kart, which I hadn't played in years.
And I was making a lot of popcorn at the time. And I remember like every night I would do work and I would do kid and I was trying to be hands on and she was breastfeeding. So I was trying to do extra parenting. And I would just be like, I have 30 minutes to myself at the end of the day.
And I'd like get my popcorn and get my scotch and put it on my game. And I thought it was OK. She bought me the damn thing. But at a certain point, she's like, just so you know, this view of you right now on the couch is like becoming my image of you.
Yeah, not hot. Yeah. And I appreciate that. It's up.
One more time. I think so many marriages almost get broken up because of or had got broken up because of video games. Multiple people in my family, the relationships are like video games were a huge issue. I think I think you know maybe subconsciously, but you know, you don't really want to be in the relationship when you're doing that.
That's not saying about man is doing that. I'm like, oh, he doesn't like me. And then they're like, I just like this video game. It's nothing to do with you.
No, it does. It doesn't want to be honest because that's the other thing we're all lying to ourselves constantly. And you don't want to say that the truth is you're enjoying the video game more than having sex. Yeah, or you don't want to say that later on because you know what that sounds like when you hear it and then like, oh, if I say it, she'll go away.
I don't want her to go away. You're a weak person. You're beatable. You're breakable and you're never going to be the champ.
If you think that this video game is better than that, you are breakable. You're what they call a loser. Can I have you call my ex-boyfriend, please say that? Just repeat the same thing.
But do you want it back? No, no. Well, then don't bother. You got lucky.
That's how I said it. Now I did. Screw that, loser. Now I'm just like single and thriving by masturbating.
It's great. Yeah, look, do you want to go there? Because I will beat the shit out of you when it comes to that. Guess what, everybody?
This episode of the Jason Ellis podcast is sponsored by Liquid Death. If you don't know what Liquid Death is, you need to pull your head out of your anus. That's right. There's two kinds of people, people who drink Liquid Death and people who are stupid.
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Yes. But you live in Miami. I do. And Miami is like hot and gay.
It's very hot and gay. It's a perfect place to be. Thank you, Ben. Yeah.
So hot and gay. I've often fantasized about moving there when I retire and going to Salsa parties and Salsa dancing with pretty girls because I'm such a great Salsa dancer. You are? No.
But by then I will be. And then all the hot ladies will dance with me, but nobody will go home with me because I'm old. No, that's when they do go home with you. You're in Miami.
They're old. You have money too. They'll go right for it. Oh, then hell yeah.
It'll be just fine there. Keep going. That's great news. I was getting ready to sort of, you know, do my dance moves and then, you know, do I?
Yeah, a sad guy. You can off in the corner. Yeah. Yeah.
There's so many of those. I feel like they still get some. I feel like men are outnumbered by women there. And then the women just don't want to work.
So it's just, I think it's very easy to get. Yeah, you can get. You want to get. Let's get.
Yeah. Yeah. We're going to say. I was going to say.
You know, I was like, oh, no, I'm not a lot of swear. I don't care anymore. I've decided that they can all eat one. Eat a fat one, eat five.
Eat a pussy. Yeah, that or a dick or whatever it is. Have you ever seen a go with two vaginas? No, of you.
Yeah. What's it like? It's pretty cool. It's like a cat with four eyes.
So are the vaginas next to each other? Or are they one on top of the other? I've seen more than one with two. And it's like sometimes it's like.
Where are you finding these women? Oh, the internet. Oh, yeah. You Google this.
This is your porn house, sir? I didn't go in and out or anything like that. I wasn't there for it. Oh, that's fine.
It's just science and like, you know, doing research because of the show and somebody saying vaginas, that some people have two. And then one time I met a guy that had four balls and I touched them. I met a guy with three. Yeah.
They were one was a weak ball though, right? I think so. What do you mean? I think guys with one ball too.
Yeah. Yeah. I feel sorry for those guys. I feel like I'm going to do that much.
Or you feel like look at this one ball and it's an excuse to show. I feel like it's always easier to only have one. An empty sack is not. I like my sack to be full.
Yeah. Like I like when they're full too. I don't like when they hang low and they're loose. That's the main.
OK, two reasons. Personally, like because I got my tattoos for me. But when I take my pants off and I see my package, I go, yeah, me. If I had one flat tire, I'd be like, oh.
And there's no way to start the day. Really? Yeah. I feel like I build like as character.
I need. I don't know if I need more character. I mean, it's a cure. And a flat tire would be like, I would get up and go.
He got a 10. You got to get that fixed. That's just me. I'm sure you could get a good looking fake ball nowadays.
You can free the print that. Dogs have had them for years. Really? They call them nudacles.
I'm not joking. I would take one of my cats balls because he's got a solid pair. Yo, he has a pair. I was right when I walked in.
Yeah. It's hard to not see those because they're really bulging. Powed away ratio. He's got a fat ball.
He's got a set of goobers on him. He really does. Yeah. I don't think I've ever seen a cat with balls that big.
He's got a lot of gusts though too. Just today, he jumped into the trash can. And the trash can is like a small thin one. And I think he was trying to jump on the top of it, but the lid was open.
And I just taken the trash out so there was no bag in there either. And he jumped in. And because it's too thin for him to land on all fours, he landed in a handstand and stayed in a handstand in the bottom of the trash can. Oh my goodness.
And I had to grab him and pull him out for at least five seconds. So I was like, I was impressive, dude. Like you jumped. That's impressive.
And then landed in a full hand lock handstand and waited for me to pull him out. And he's feet weren't touching the sides. He was like, locked in. I had no idea what a gymnast he was.
That's crazy. He's pretty athletic for like a bambino, which is like a little person or a little cat. Is the correct thing you would say? Because you don't use the M word.