You dig it! And you dig it! And you dig it! Yeah!
Well, it totally been new and you grew me! Yeah, so what do we got? If you're driving home, make sure you've got a car. Kareem Abdul-Jabah!
Some of the greatest rounds I've ever wrote. Uh, I retired from podcasting. But before I retire, I'd like to just keep podcasting. So, I'm back, but I didn't leave.
So, if you thought I quit, suck on my tit. Um... Cuz that ain't it. And...
Pete is dripping down my clear... I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm gonna keep going. I'm just not gonna quit.
So, yeah. It's like it. Uh, but this is the best of 2025 rants. Apparently I did some rants...
Rant on, you know? Am I the best rant her? No. Am I the best at anything?
No. You know? But I like doing stuff. I do stuff.
I like doing this. And, uh, you know, I like, um... I like me. I like doing things I like rubbing bean.
Rubble bean. This is the hardest working cat in showbiz. But, yeah, I'm gonna post some rants for the podcast and, you know, people that were like, I don't want you to stop doing the podcast. And I'm not gonna...
I'm not gonna stop doing the podcast. Maybe for a little bit, because I'm gonna go to Utah and I gotta like set up a studio and stuff and, you know, I was like obligated because I had like sponsor things and now I don't... Really? You can do that right now?
Um... I don't know anybody, really? I don't know anybody anything now. I can do this show.
There's no... I'm not... Dude? Do you wanna just...
I'm not getting any more. Um... Did... He's trying to make me feel better because people have been mean to me lately.
And I don't blame them. So I'll do it on this podcast. I shouldn't do it on here because nobody's gonna... Maybe everyone's gonna listen because I'm hot right now because people hate me but...
Grifted hater is a guy that's a skateboard guy. Proper skateboard guy. Skates good. Good guy.
It makes videos. I made a video about a movie that I... I didn't even make it. These dudes talking about it made it in.
I didn't know who it was. I was just like this guy hates me and then I realized that it's a guy that does stuff about skateboarding. Relevant stuff. So I think the only reason that I gotta mention is because I'm friends with Tony Hawk and he hates Tony Hawk.
Which is a weird... It's a weird thing to do. I know a lot of people. Some people suck more than others.
But man, it's a pretty nice guy all the way around. Does more for skateboarding than anybody in skateboarding ever. But maybe I'm wrong because I am out of touch and I don't know which is why it's an honor to be mentioned by Grifted hater because I am super irrelevant. I haven't been good at skateboarding for over 20 years.
You know? The only reason I started skating again is because I got five from serious and I could go to the ramp every now and then and I started skating again with Tony at his ramp, the million dollar ramp that the Grifted guy makes fun of. Apparently, this is the thing that I saw a video. He made fun of Tom Shaw and I'm like, okay dude, that's not cool.
But now I kind of get it because I watched the whole video. I didn't get to the very end because I had to do this. He loves Bob Burquas and everybody loves Bob Burquas. Bob is awesome.
But Bob loves Tony Hawk and Bob loves Tom Shaw and Tom Shaw and Tony Hawk love Bob and they all love each other. You're not in a gateway but they love each other and they don't really know Grifted guy and you never made it to their level and it's a little insulting that you crap on these guys when you've never made it to the level that they're, you haven't even made it to my level. You know? And you probably might not remember my level because it was probably before you were born.
God, it's so old. It's crazy. He might not have been born like, wait, in the 90s? I don't know how old you are.
I don't care. But I think you're funny. I thought it was funny. The Monster Jokes are funny.
The Jackson chain thing is funny and he's wearing a chain. He gets paid to wear the chain too. But dudes don't make money. We have to wear monster logos to make money.
You don't, I don't think a lot of us get that energized from the energy drink. It's just, you know, I don't want to work. Skateboarders don't want to work. You want to stay in that?
Like, you're a YouTuber. You don't have a real job. It's better to be a YouTuber than to have a real job. You know, being a brickies laborer, building houses, painting houses, being electrician, being a garbage man, all that kind of stuff, working at Starbucks, being a YouTuber or being a pro skateboarder is cooler than that.
And vert dudes don't make any money from anything because everybody doesn't like vert dudes because vert dudes aren't cool. Vert dudes don't get the chicks. Vert dudes don't get the money. Vert dudes have to wear pads and they look like ass hats and they usually don't do anything cool in skateboarding for at least five years where they can fly around.
And most people don't even try it because they're not about that life. And yes, I can use it in a flight terminology because you're not about that pain. You're not about the real consequences. Vert skating has consequences that are on an epic proportion compared to streetsgating unless you're a guy that jumps big stairs and big rails.
And there's only a few of those. And Grifted Hater isn't one of them. I think six stairs is your max, right? And that's like, no offense, but that's, that's not, that's not great.
You know, it's not good. But you're, I'm still saying you're good. And I, and I think you're funny and I think you're talented. And I think it's an honor that you're mentioning me because I'm so irrelevant.
And I get that you don't like the movie. It is pretty cheesy. I didn't make it. You know?
And I was sad about my dog getting eaten by a coyote. But I do see your ankle and how that would be funny if you don't know me or the dog. So I get it, you know? But Tom Shaw is great.
You know, and also Timmy Wilkins is, I think Jimmy Wilkins is better. I think Chris Miller and Jimmy Wilkins are the best two skateboarders that ever lived. I think they're better than pop. But I see what your angle is.
And I agree. I agree with you. I think Bob is, this goat for sure, goat it or whatever you want to call it. But then I realized, I saw a video because now the thrifted guy's got a following.
People are mentioning me now. So you kind of made me a little bit relevant, a little bit. And now Adam 22 says that he never liked me or hates me or whatever it is. And then I'm not a funny comedian and then I was bad on the podcast.
And again, these are things where people say things about me and I see it. And I just think, man, I've really come a long way. You know, because I was in a bad place. I don't even remember exactly what I was on Adam 22 show with the other guy who seemed like a nice guy.
I think their questions, I think I was insecure. I was definitely high on cradum and all that stuff. I think so. And I think their main thing was like, he doesn't like me because I don't think I'm funny.
I was bad interview. Nobody cares. Which I get it. I don't know why anybody.
I don't think anyone cares. And I'm fine with that. I've accepted that. I don't think I'm very that great.
You know, just not trying to be that great. I just like doing comedy. I really love doing it. And was I, was that a great set?
Probably not. It was a few years ago. And I did unfollow you. But I didn't unfollow you because I didn't I unfollow you because my wife at the time, her best friend was in porn.
And I guess you had a guy on that allegedly did something really mean to her and you were on his side and she hated you for you having that guy's back. So I was kind of it was suggested that I unfollow you. And I was like, well, you guys are being mean anyway. I don't know if you're meant to be mean or I was definitely touchy in a dark place.
Basically what I'm saying is if you don't like me and you've never liked me and you think it's funny that Griffin hated made fun of me. I agree. I mean, I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I, I mean, unfollowed.
You know, now that I'm, you know, I'm a recovering sex addict and stuff. So I don't, I won't follow like porn guys, you know, like I think that Ryan Pinell guy is the only guy that I'll follow and, and it was a Viking Barbie. But even that is like, I'd rather not, you know, but I like those people. They're nice people.
I just don't want to be around the porn people. Like I unfollowed everybody else that's in porn and you were, you know, you hang out with bad people and I'm still recovering. I think is a childish to unfollow somebody. I can't, yeah, I kind of agree.
But when you're in recovery and you're super touchy, you know, I was like, eh, eh, I'm like, you're getting on my nerves or you're triggering me like easily triggered, insecure, definitely in a dark place, man. So I really don't blame anybody and I'm not mad at anybody and I wish I was going to have a rant where I was like, gonna attack anybody, but I don't really have any reason to attack anybody. I don't blame you. I kind of didn't like me either.
And I kind of back everybody's opinion of me. I kind of suck. Not really that good at anything, you know, kind of like mediocre. It's pretty good at skateboarding for a while there, but back when nobody really gave a shit and I made the radio show pretty good for a while and I'm really not that established as a comedian, but I really love it.
I really love doing it. And I'm not going to stop doing it because anybody thinks I should or I should, you know, like you're opinion. It means nothing to me. John's not.
But I do appreciate the shout outs because you got to take the good out of it. You know, I'm like, well, I think it's crazy that you say the word Jason Ellis like people are going to know who that is. Like you didn't have a background about it or anything. You just said Jason Ellis sucks.
Like people would know who that is. That's cool. So, you know, I'm just going to keep doing me. I'm going to keep doing stand up.
I'm getting better. Every time I do shows, people laugh. Am I Tom Sager? Nope.
People don't like Tom Sager. So what are they? Who are you? Who the fuck do you think you are?
You're not that funny. Wait, you're not even funny. You're a guy. It's a, I don't even know what you are.
A podcaster, you're a podcaster. You're a YouTube guy, I guess. You're all YouTube guys and you're really good at that. And I'm happy for you guys.
I'm happy for everybody that's doing their thing. I'm happy that you hate me. That's your, you know, I don't hate you guys. I think you're cool.
I think Griffin Hader is better than Adam 22. I like him. I don't know if it's because it's skateboard stuff, but I like that he hates what is it? I hate pickleball.
I hate pickleball. I get that. That's cool. I think that was funny.
But yeah, I'm going to keep doing the show when I move to Utah. I'll make a studio on this show. So, you know, I said I was going to quit just to get out of being obligated to do reads. I do know money and then when I move to Utah because it's way cheaper, then I'll have my own teacher, my girlfriend had to run the show.
So I'm just going to keep doing the show and you can listen to it. You can not listen to it. I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter either way because I just like doing it. I'm sitting out and I'll fucking rant and speaking of rants.
Here's all the rants will some of the best of arguably not funny rants whatsoever from a washed up irrelevant article. But Tom Shaw's badass. He kicks ass. He's way more cool.
He's way cooler than anything that the grifted guy will ever do in skateboarding by far superior in every single way. And you would wear a monster helmet if they offered you whatever they fucking pay some other doosh. Street doosh. They give him money.
They do it. People do things for money. Fuck off. And I think that pretty much covered you guys are all cool.
It's great. Tony Hawk's awesome. He's done so much for skateboarding. If you hate Tony Hawk, it's because you can't find your dick and you're angry at yourself.
If you're angry at Tony, you make no sense. Yeah, see me on the road. And then I'm going to Charlotte in May 21st, May 21st and 23rd, wait 21st 2 to 23rd? Three days in a row?
Man, how does somebody that not funny get that many dates? Is it because I'm huge in the podcast world? Or is it because I'm so good at skateboarding? Alright everybody Enjoy the show.
So James Hunt right race against Nikki Lauda They raced their whole careers and their amateurs together. They were very aware of each other But Nikki Lauda had the brain to understand how to design a car that would handle better and he would do better in racing Arguably James Hunt was a better driver arguably But if you know how to make a car sit better and Nikki had Ferrari So he had better sponsors and James was always trying to hunt him down and you know They both won and lost to each other a bunch of times in their career But it came to a point and this is a true story you can google it again. You could google it Nikki Lauda crashed and was burnt alive in a Rit like you get this video he crashes his cars on fire another car hits him while he's on the track burning and they couldn't get him out For a considerable amount of time if you google it you will see there is photos of his helmet and the shield on his helmet is Melted that's how hot his head was and if you look at his face After it the good thing about being ugly When you're ugly and you catch on fire It's not as bad as being incredibly handsome and then being on fire now It's a lot safer, but I believe in the 80s people died not every race, but several people died every year in Formula 1 So you're doing a sport where this is every race could be your last day on planet Earth you got to respect that This guy Nikki Lauda caught on fire. He's head melted whole time.
He's head melted. He's got look at photo of him He's got half an ear He's like the chopper read of motorsports where a guy didn't chop his ear off to get out of like being killed by a gang But fire melted his ear off and then coming back that one's a goner Think about the pain of your face being on fire so much that your ear is gone like he has Freddy Krueger face He is Freddy Krueger So that dude's head melts off right and he's ahead in the points and he's head melts off and he's in hospital watching James Hunt Slowly get more points to surpass Nikki Lauda to win the championship of that particular year. I can't remember the year doesn't matter Nikki Lauda One of the greatest human beings that has ever lived and that's why if you want to learn how to get fit if you want to learn How to be good at stuff? Shut up and get to it and if it hurts again, sorry excuse my French shut the fuck up Fuck get up and go get it done.
Don't be a bitch You know sometimes it's okay to be a bitch But every now and then if you want to be if you want the glory you got to hit the harden the fuck up button I'm casting a little bit because I'm trying to be motivated. I'm a little bit. I'm trying to be inspirational I'm trying to motivate myself and other people because sometimes you look dude There was a fight this weekend where you have seen fight the guy almost cried before he fought and then after he lost And he cried because it was everything to him, you know We're just fighting around looking at fucking TikTok doing nothing eating Cheetos You ain't crying when you lose your job, you know, you gotta it's gotta be everything everything you ever wanted in your life They've all died This is your life. You are gonna die that no one's gonna argue about that you are gonna die one day Why not put it all on the line everything risk at all lose and cry be emotional and then get the fuck up in the morning go again rage Into the light Nikki loud his head burnt off and before the season was over He was back in the car.
He could have put the helmet on because his head was melted He still had bandages on his head and he raced and he got points back to the point where he was ahead again a melted head but ahead it's still the same and then James Hunt in a rainy race went ballistic Went out and did the hottest laps in the rain again Google there's video It's a bit grainy because it's the 80s But homey is doing 160 in the rain around turns where the car is letting go and he's fighting it And he's passing other people that are like the greatest race guy drives in the world and they're like well Jesus Christ You're fucking crazy dude crazy life. Let let it go. This could be it I'm gonna die But not I want to win and if I have to lose it all to win so be it The passion the drive that it takes to want to be this person It's on video So you know it's true and this before CGI he really did it he really did that race and then he won And he won the championship and because he won the championship. He did copious amounts of cocaine and bodied and then he died I can real idiot, but that's his choice.
That's the that's the thing. That's the thing you can't turn it off That's the thing you get in and you're like I will I will die before I lose this and when you have this commitment where you say I will die before I lose this when you win or you lose you can't turn it off because it's such a glorious feeling To be to know that this is it I am riddled with fear and I will fucking face you in the middle and we will go all my fears right head on Go what you got take your best shot. I will fucking fight you. Do you know the song?
The black flags and it'll backflades it'll backflades everywhere you go And I with the black flag pick in my nose in order to die away. Oh, yeah, it's like a blogger song How do you know that one? I was big in Canada for the radio show Shout out to the log shout out to oil Do you know this one down on the beat with her legs wide open fire in her eyes and her heart still smoking she's been And I ain't joking early in the morning her life she rises her life she rises her life she rises her life in the morning Okay, I'm just asking she's you don't have to snap at me. I bet But yeah, where are you from in Canada?
What street? Yes Well do you want the number or just the street? I want the number and like what bedroom you are in 12 down 12 downing street Bedroom over the garage in the back Right was it warming there? It was warm, but my dad was a bit of a miser You know my sir my is like a cheap one All right, like we you know, Canada gets cold in the winter and in those days when I was growing We had a big oil tank in the basement where they put heating oil and my dad was chintzy with turning the heat up in the house Because it costs money, and so he constantly the house was constantly sort of chilly in the winter and it was very uncomfortable It would have helped you though for like cold days because you're used to the cold like like sasquatch It's pronounced asqui ouch right my bad, but like you know I'm talking about they handle the cold Yeah, if they're real they can if they're not real then I would think they can't Oh, see anyone's I talk about well I think if they're not real they can't really be affected by weather because they don't exist right if they're real They might not be too affected by whether because if they're really they've got that Beautiful outer layer of fur and I have to believe it's thermal and they what about if you're fake sasquatch and you're a guy in a sasquatch suit I would assume that'd be pretty warm.
Yeah, if you got a well-made sasqui ouch suit I think you're gonna be okay. You could camp in that I would be I would like to be friends of the sasquatch Tell me why friend I feel like I would feel safe around the campfire What if he's eating your legs? Well before that started I would have felt safer in the campfire, but then once he starts eating your legs Well, I would hope that he went for the head first. I've always wanted if I was gonna get eaten I would like get eaten by the head first that's bad eaten Any creature that starts with the head well lions by the neck first You didn't want your George Michael earlier.
Mm-hmm. He always started with the head especially in Beverly Hills Yeah in the bathrooms Yeah, I think he needed to be like it wasn't his fault Would you go camping with George Michael for sure, but not anymore. You know you're gonna have to put up the tent like he's not Yeah, but that's okay. I don't mind putting up a tent.
Yeah, I'm gonna pitch him on for him. Yeah. I see what you did there Yeah, yeah, why do you like sasqui ouch so much? It just seems cool man And I like power and I like like you know somebody that's king of the jungle and I've always wanted to fight and lose I mean, but it like a heroic battle would you be one of those guys that would kill the south scuoc just so you could prove it was Real knock some guys say if I ever see what I'm gonna kill it so we can show the world You don't a thing like you've got a whale's penis.
Oh, you're a gun. No, I've got crippling arthritis Okay, oh, you're gonna death battle bad. I was wrestling with a jar of no pickles all morning. Oh, right.
Yeah, excuse me I don't want to kill sasquatch I want to be his friend so would you take a video or a picture of him or would you want me not to be Verified so he could live peacefully because if you verified him and said hey, I was in this forest Here's definitive proof. You know, they will track him and hunt him till his eyelids curl up I tell people God's real and they didn't believe me. Well, they'll find out That's the thing with sasquatch you might never find out and God you're gonna find out if I told you sasquatch was real Would you believe me? Yeah, cuz I believe sasquatch is God God is sasquatch.
Oh, that's why he's hard to find He's hard to see you can hear him sometimes you believe in him, but you never see him Oh, and so if you look at Jesus who was God's son he was very hairy at a lot of facial hair Oh, wow, and that's the DNA of a sasquatch. So God is a sasquatch. He's omnipresent. He's all over the world No one's ever seen him, but he's there.
So this is why you're drawn to sasquatch because it's a spiritual awakening awareness That's how sasquatch is God peace out suck my sister's face fair enough I said with everybody, you know, there's a dude that said we did I'm proud of that I said with them and some of the girls I said with I know that says really mean, but you guys have no idea that the trenches that I've been in where I'm like yeah Deal sure go for it anybody and then I have to wake up and go. Oh, I did that oh Man, I'm sick because I was sick, you know I also drank things and smoked things that were like dude. What are you doing? And I'm like, man, I gotta get high gonna get out of my mind and I would do things that it's like Looking back.
I'm like what the hell who who smokes that particular thing? Homeless pick crazy people do and I was doing it because I was that desperate for a fix I've still support a hundred percent of the gay commit gay lesbian Trent. Hell yeah, man I'm also a complete supporter of like if you're a black guy or Spanish guy. I don't care.
I love everybody I give everybody a chance. I think the difference is just like if someone said something that I think is stupid. I Don't really care. I'm telling you all this.
I feel like I'm the daywalker I'm trying to tell you guys you should check it out. You should try it It's it's an easier way to live, you know nobody really bums me out. I've been as angry as nobody on here has been as angry as me None of you have none of you have I know it none of you has been as sad as me I've done things that I hope none of you have done and I've thought things same thing I've had hatred in my heart. I've been triggered by people's opinions Videos thoughts suggestions and comments as hard as any of you have and then I came to terms with who I really am and I begged for a forgiveness from the people I have hurt in my life and I forgave myself for the mistakes I've made do I still make mistakes absolutely I Sit with it.
I think about it. I Understand my part in it and if there's an apology that needs to be made I will make it if I don't think there's an apology that to be made I will not make it if I think there's an apology that might be A thing that I could do, but it's just gonna make things worse I will not do it because I'm taking care of myself I am leaving a healthy mental and physical life so that I can be here for the people that I love So when people say this is bad and you're bad and this guy's bad and if you hang out with this guy you're bad It doesn't matter, you know, I don't care what you think I don't know you So if I care about like someone's like you really let me down. I'm like I don't know you how could I care if I cared That would make me crazy because I don't know who I'm talking to I bench press this morning and My eyes are closed and then I'm eyes and the clouds were like real pretty and the Sun was on my face And I was like wow what a great day to be alive. Okay, what you think?
I got fat fingers, you know that means Yep Winner winner chicken dinner. I don't think most people who talk that big game. It's not that I think they're pussies and it's often I think I don't think they know what they're talking about I don't think they've had an experience and a lot of high school boys a lot of crack-nudes where they they do like Oh fucking up. I was like, you know what you're saying like, you know what that entails.
It's not Designable they're going around there right now viral thing where there's a forgot the percentage It's like for like men most men think that they are a certain percentage of Level of fighting that they're not and it's like four thousand percent better than they are like kind of thing And it's like all these interviews. I've seen people on the boardwalk So you know if I yeah, yeah, can you show us some of your shadow boxing and it's guys on the boardwalk doing stuff where you and I would go You know what when somebody goes to you show me some shadow It's kind of like yeah, I'm a singer can you throw up a couple of notes and you can't actually sing just say no and walk off But these guys are that delusional that they're like oh you want to say something they're like and I'm like holy shit Dude, you just told people that you can fight and you believe it that much I think that to me is the biggest everyone talks about like self-confidence and and obviously self-defense skills to me the greatest gift that martial arts and Combat training mostly because there's certain martial arts. We don't ever really get put in serious actual Combat situation, but like for jujitsu wrestling boxing movie Tidy the biggest gift they give you in my opinion is humility Yeah, because you can all those guys that have seven thousand percent higher idea of what they're capable of doing in a fun None of them train regularly because I've I've humbled his cat my ass handed to me so many fucking times where guys aren't even breaking us Sweat they're not even paying attention sometimes and they fuck me up Yeah, and that erases my ability to walk out into the real world and go like I such a way I can do that Yeah, I think I really trained no I can't I punched in Henderson once and overhand right and was like there you go And I remember going that was my best punch He could be later me to beat me up also mayhem when I was really angry training for my first fight He took me down and was over the top of me and I was mad and he was like don't get mad keep going And he like kept me sparring and at one point he was over the top of me He was still standing and he was kind of squatting on the back of my hamstrings And I was trying to kick him off and he just sat on my leg So I couldn't get him off and then he was raining punches at my head and I remember going oh Like this and I could see him going don't give up like he go and I'm like you're not fighting me Yeah, you're just playing with me. Yep, and I'm this is where like in a real fight This is where I'm about to go to sleep and it was like don't give up Jason Like and he was like yay, and I'm like boom boom for my eye cut breathe I can't move like and I'm like this is the this is the game like so many times like he was saying and Spine people that are proper guys where they're like good job Jason and I'm like good job.
I'm Give me my I'm trying to kill you I will only say this because a he did not mean this to be Tomorrowizing he just didn't register and then also because it's so preposterously crazy how what their levels are right kron was training for his first couple MMA fights in kron Gracie in Japan and so he would I was training at his academy at the time and He was doing it. There was like a there's a mat for training to do and then there was another section for like MMA training That was an actual octagon and he was training in there and he was finishing up his training He was also what he was shirtless, but he was in like trunks And I was finishing a gee class on the mats kron came over and he was on his phone like this sexy I was like I was training going to he's always been very nice to me I was like oh he's good as good as good as you want to get up you want to get some wasn't and I was like Oh, yeah, I would love to and he got on the mats still texting then sat on his bum like this and was like this and I'm like Go he's good and I couldn't pass his guard and he never put his phone down and he continued to text me I was like oh That's how different the levels are like his jiu-jitsu is so automatic and he doesn't need his hands and it's not like I'm like a baby Yeah, I just agree I got no, I mean it was that was one of those situations where I my eyes were so open By you can get better Mike you are getting better Mike you might be affected against a large swath of regular dudes This is what a real this is what someone who gets a paycheck the role Did you know it's crazy? You're talking about kron and kron gets beaten by somebody and then the person that beat him gets knocked out by somebody else The levels that people don't understand it's kind of like for some weird reason It's men because I teach a class on Saturdays women go Oh really like this because there's no ego a man goes no I've had some scratch I'm pretty sure this is how you do it and I'm like your hands are not around your head I'm gonna keep punching you in the head if you don't put them up and they're like yeah But I saw me whether do this and I'm like okay, and do that and then I punch him in the face and they go man Why does that keep happening and I'm like do you think it's because your hands are not around your head? Why don't you just give it a go see what happens and then they go yeah that might have worked You're just cuz you're not fling me whether I try to tell it's crazy It's it's 99% of old men that's by me that do that and I go just real quick before we start Did you get this from Floyd Mayweather and they go yeah?
How'd you know and I'm like well he did that since he was like five and he's real he's real good So that's like you can use that but you should maybe wait like a decade to like add that to your repertoire right now This is really because if you do this it's see how it's like hard for me to hit you in the head Just try it and a lot of guys are pretty sure they don't need that until I punch him in the head I didn't know you know the whole I don't need to train cuz I see red when it's time to go I thought that was a meme. I thought that was like I don't know women lying about the rage I got something that happened in the 50s and that it was funny online But and I was getting my oil change and the guy said that he's like what do you got playing for the rest of the day? And big guy but not like it's a big fella and I said oh my god I'm on my way to go train see what do you mean? I was like oh there's my jiu-jitsu Right down the street he's like oh that stuff cool man.
I like that MMA stuff that jujitsu I don't need to do it cuz like when it's time to go I go crazy I go and I was I didn't pick on I didn't get in a conversation with a butter and salt in any way but that moment I was like oh well that's a real thing guys think that hey everybody it's the Jason Alishow remember This week's episode for something different we are sharing a collection of snippets and sections of recent shows We've been doing on our patreon. What's our patreon Jason? It's like serious exam, but better because it's cheaper and I'm on it unlike serious where I'm not on it and there's not a bunch of Kook corroborary going on there. It's the best of the best me the champ and Tully We're better than everybody else it was ever on that pilot and we're here and it's cheaper and it's better We're better and it's cheaper.
So think about it. You save it money and being more entertained It's pretty easy deal really when you think about it do the math read between the lines live shows the Jason Ellishow Jason solo show awesome world like four days a week I'm trying Even more than he ever did on satellite radio Enjoy this now and we will see you later at patreon.com slash Ellis made patreon.com slash Ellis made total I'm gonna need a hip replacement if I kept going if I go back there today and then the next day I would probably need a Hip replacement by Saturday. I got a I gotta calm down So there's like this line where it's like you go so far You know like motivate you know like you're skating in 53. It's like you know inspiration on I'm like Inspirational into a wheelchair You know like David Goggins, you know I saw something David Goggins has been out for a little bit then he ran and it's like he's only supposed to run the doctor See he's got no knees.
He's bone on bone and then he ran some marathon. He's like you don't talk about Oh, you see me you watch TV Remember myself and I got no knees. You ain't stopping me and I'm gonna keep going you got no knees and And other people because social media because you're so weak on social media you really are Look at the way you're running. You're not even running fast.
Oh my god You're talking smack on the guy that has outran He has the championships to prove that he can outrun all of you and you're gonna dribble on social media And you can't run down your own driveway. You know pathetic you are just sad you are Do you know that's why we know the winners of the world we know that's why we don't retort because we know you're a loser Because you're angry at me winning Winners know that you know why they know because they've lost and they kept going and when you keep going you don't have time to talk Smack on somebody for trying to achieve, you know people trying to talk smack on the Sandra Diaz guy this red bull guy Jumping down that building. Oh, he's gonna do a trick. Shut up.
It's 400 feet high shut up. You moron moron You wouldn't last two you in last two seconds in that dudes boots pussy ass bitch But you will type it because you don't know how obvious it is for us to read it and go pussy ass bitch Nothing to me my shoes Let's get a shit out of you like David Goggins, you know like right now David Goggins is pretty much the same age as me I think I'm three years older than him, but David Goggins has done weight I believe that I've hit my knees a lot more than him But I think the way he runs I think when you do those kinds of running things I think his knees are worse than mine and just judging by the way he runs It looks like they're really bad and I don't know for sure I never saw the MRI You know I don't know if Joe Rogan knows I don't know if some guy that runs with David Goggins knows But I would assume that they're pretty bad, you know And when it gets the bone on bone because a lot of us are out there with that you can't you get a knee replacement You can't get a second one you get one so if you get a replacement You're supposed to baby it a little bit because the next time they give out you are in a wheelchair and I'm like how far Do you go you know like will David Goggins keep running until he has no legs? You know will David Goggins end up running on his knuckles like some sort of like Human R2-D2 where he's like people people you're not hurting off you mean like you know like where he's just like on some wheels on his knuckles or whatever And he's like climbing up hills and he's just like a leg like stuntman That just keeps dragging his torso down and up and down mountains until he's arms don't work And then he's just in the music video one where he's like that's it President and he can't move at all I will say whatever I fucking want Joe Rogan is a pig me man Make that a clip He's a little guy and you know you had fake hair you had fake hair which means he is insecure He wanted to be a handsome man but now he's like a little nugget man Ooh ah you don't like Joe not saying like Joe Rogan just saying he's insecure just like you're insecure Everybody's insecure the president has a comb over Shave that shit why not because you don't want to show you that he's bald I'm bald Gotta fat I'm kind of old getting wrinkles in my neck I don't care One of my eyes does not work as good as the other one I take boner pills You know why? What do you think doesn't work as good as it used to?
Use that as a clip Everybody gather around and go you told you here You're gay you're pussy you're doing the way you got no hair You said something bad about Joe Rogan I don't give a fuck what you think I answer to none of you talk shit on social media talk shit on my face to fight me I don't care knock me out. I'll wake up. I don't care. I do not sweat the world I do not sweat you none of you should sweat anybody we're all living in this thing What if he said this what if you said that what if you associate with that person I don't give a fuck I really don't See me on the street Get the DS brothers to beat me up.
I don't give a fuck man I got a whole bunch of new material And it is inappropriate and it is gonna get a bunch of comics to not like me And I say I say this Uh we're making fun of the world right? So I can make fun of it where you can't make fun of people Whatever they're making fun of everybody Whatever the comedy we're gonna let it tell jokes anymore You know what I mean like just tell it Say what do you want to say whatever you want Use that as a clip I was in a I was in a I was in a cyber truck this weekend I didn't have crocs on but I was in a cyber truck What happened to comedy? You know You know what it's pretty spacious It's pretty luxurious It works on your phone But if you want to use if you want your friend to drive you home You have to give them the app on your phone And that takes like 20 minutes If you had a normal guy you just give him the keys and then he drives off It's not that convenient Not very convenient at all You want to open the door you gotta press a button instead of pulling the handle Amazing I don't care what you think I know what's in here And in here The internet can suck my butt Weak ass pussies You're on the internet talking smack on each other You get home and you start taking shits And type me in me in me in me Go outside Go live some weights Get ready You know Get adrenaline Get pumped Do a burnout and you can't do a burnout and you can't do a burnout and you can't Because you got a battery can't it won't let the wheels break free What the hell the world? You know Get a clutch Wha wha wha wha wha wha wha We ain't doing that We ain't trying to bench press We ain't trying to learn to do boxing or anything Let's get it go sir Right away God made a wave The momentum of the thing in the ocean that came from miles and miles away And then you pedal And then you ride the wave You ride mother earth You know what you're doing?
Fighting on the internet about how somebody you don't like Is hanging out with somebody you don't like Or you don't like this thing or something else that you don't like Bitch ass Suck a butt Fat Lazy Cancer Weak Ooh vaccine Shut the fuck up I don't care anymore You're all full of shit You know Get fit You know Drink all day Don't just have a couple beers at night You're fat I'll catch you you know You're gonna beat me up You just had like seven cheeseburgers this week And you drink beer every night And you're gonna see me on the street You're gonna jump me It's gonna go horribly wrong for you dude Horribly wrong And guess what You're actually not gonna do that You're just a fucking telephone tough guy And that's your beef You got beef on me I don't care I'm going outside I'm gonna go outside in the sun I'm gonna listen to wait I'm gonna bang my chick And then I'm gonna go hug my horse 12 out of pounds of love In the sun Look at the sky I'm gonna pray to God This time it's gonna be a la Oh actually I love to be I don't fucking care What you think? I don't care what your God thinks My God loves everybody Maybe it's Jesus Maybe Jesus loves everybody Maybe some people Use Jesus And say that he doesn't love everybody He only loves these people Fuck those people My Jesus loves everybody Except Christalia If there's little moments in your life Where getting like being tough about it And getting up and being motivated Is key to success It's not 24-7 As I said Sometimes I like cookies and Netflix Sometimes I go No, I'm not going I'm just gonna rest Sometimes I say I love people Sometimes I cry when I feel sad I let it out I'm in touch with my emotions I deal with stuff But sometimes when I'm tired And shit needs to be done I get up and I go That's why I have A great I've done a lot of great stuff I've done a legend You are a legend I get that So you've conquered so many different I don't appreciate that Snicker when I say that I'm just saying Jason I get it and make sure you're uncomfortable Sometimes you go to look Am I lose your illiterate bald Moron fat and old Yeah I'm not saying I kick ass Shred at one of the greatest humans This is also a factual fact No, I laughed because I'm a little bit country And I'm also a little bit rock and roll You got the cunt part right Seth I laughed and rolled my eyes Because whenever people are like I'm great I'm a legend I'm not It makes me roll my eyes And then When I looked over here I'm telling you the truth In my head I thought I wish I felt that way about myself It's good And so that's What that was Yeah, that's awesome All I'm saying But I am What? A legend A little bit You are a same with enough belief That's the only reason I said a little bit I'm a legend Where you get to? I'm a legend My lawyer is legendary I am a fucking My lawyer, my story The tale that I have told through my life The book of my life The chapters They just keep getting out of it all And more volumes To the story of who I am It should be studied And passed down from generations It should be taught in schools It's breakable How to...
There is no breakable I am the unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt finance There is no way That I will ever let life beat me down And that's shown through my story My lawyer Your turn My legend I'm not done Because a legend never ends Okay That was good That last week was very good Go Go I have against all odds I am I come from no culture No education No... Nothing that... You don't dare No I said this is where I came from though Against all odds And yet above Against all of that I can't... I can't...
I don't read well I don't speak well I don't read well Uh uh uh uh Go and get close And get against all odds Yes I still inspire people And they go Wow I'm nothing But I can still be something from that Oh god That was nothing And I have fooled many And thousands all across the country And believing the bullshit That I speak of my mouth Yeah wow You want your period? Always Always maybe Just saying that was a roller coaster Of not quite Go Getting there So not... I'm not there yet Let me try again Let me try again Let me try again You did great If you know anything about me You know I came from the mud I came from the dirt I came from the gravel And guess what? We paved it We made it great We made it so the streets of my life Went from having glass and dirty gutters To now I'm kicking ass and sucking utters Okay go That's right And I'll show you how Now you're just cutting wrestling problems Okay okay You...
Yeah yes I grew up a weed And I turned into the fucking beautiful bouquet That you give your mother on Mother's Day Yeah! bouquet Yeah! BOOCHOCKY Yes BOOCHOCKY That you give your... Your dingbat On Valentine Day Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah! I have a bouquet You have sex with Dove Horps Yeah! No one in Delaware No one from Delaware has ever had sex with a dumb war before You're the...
Are you from Delaware? Yeah you can tuck your bread piece of shit Fuck you Go get bang on top of a poor pot That's fucking in my bitch That makes... Finally there takes a lot of balance and endurance You fuck face Not many people can do that Okay You can be born with web mother fucking toes That was my toes come from the door Yeah in a web desk Because every now and then I realize That I have wasted time And that is a thing that you can't get back But When you realize that And you don't let it... That's the other thing like When you realize that you've wasted time Or...
You know to me Is it really wasted? You know like I went to Thailand one time And all I did was try to get high and sleep with people And I was in another country that was Crazy! Like the things that happened in that country Are so different to the things that happened in this country And experiencing all those things Would have been such a power move When you're there But instead All I did was hang out with the similar kind of people That I would want to hang out with when I'm in America Which is fine But it's not... You're not experiencing Thailand Like I didn't want to go Do anything You know I met the tigers And that was a burden I was like ugh I gotta go You know I was like let me pat the tiger And then I'm like I think the tigers were in the same situation As in they were sedated I think basically When I met up with the tigers of Thailand The tigers of Thailand were like Hey man And I was like hey man And I was like you want to do anything?
I'm like not really And they were like yeah me neither And I was like later And then we both like walked off And thought about nothing Because we were both sedated and numbed And it's like similar man You know like You let the tiger wake up And then he realizes where he is He doesn't want to be there And he doesn't want to be around you But you keep him sedated So that he never realizes that where he is Is not where he's supposed to be The difference is When you Stop sedating yourself And realize that you're not supposed to be here Around these people You can get up and leave They can't And that Is this joy that you get That the tiger can never get in Thailand I also see a video going around And it's a bit of a viral thing Where they go This is what music was like in the 90s And now this is what music is like See a pussified man have become And it's usually like a metallico Video or a pantere video And then they show Um MGK And I'm like MGK is a pop star You realize in the 90s There was pop music right? Like it's It's bullshit That you're doing that Like No insult to anybody But like you're saying This is what music was like in the 90s Well dude You don't listen to metal anymore But there's tons of metal That is just as manly As a metallico and pantere Right now Right now I mean for one There's a metallico you dickhead It's still here Selling out Millions of people Selling out Stadiums Medium man Making an alley Oh who are alpha males are going Because of machine gun Cuz shut the fuck up Wham Wham Was out Wham Machine gun Kelly Probably got more manly now Such a deuce trick Deuce Try to convince everybody And also Everybody that's on podcasting saying You're not a man No alpha male I wouldn't want women in the front line Most of you I'm sure there's a couple I know there's a drink of bros and shit Where there's a guy who's like He's in the military But most of you little Whining bitches that are like Oh women You're lit You're little and breakable You're not tough They're the loudest ones You know So stupid Like our women are strongest men Like not usually no That's why they don't play tennis against each other A basketball Ugh What are we even arguing about? Stop arguing about that Stupid But trying to say that every woman Doesn't deserve To be in the military It's ridiculous Cyborg You know Run around as he can't box But she'd still beat the crap out of Most of you dudes She beat the crap out of every podcast That talks about being an alpha male How you go about living your life Is critical to the way You make the most and enjoy your life And I think some people would argue I know that I've talked about Cratum recently On Twitter I like to say Twitter Because Some billionaire was like Nah it's called Ugh First of all The only X is X to the motherfucking Z Or DMX An X to give it to you Not some fat barrel chested billionaire You know Because you're not cool You're not cool And if you're not cool Then you don't get to run the name That's how I see it DMX Is cool He's awesome If you're on the wrong side of DMX Is it bad? Probably If you're on the wrong side of barrel boy Is it bad?
Yeah So they have that in common But let's face it There's no pair of timbolins That would make Elon muscle look good You don't look good You're not cool You've got hair plugs in bro Your hair's fake You're a You're a phony You didn't invent it You paid somebody to invent it And then said it was yours You claimed that you were good at a video game And lied Why? Why would you make shit up about being An excellent gamer I'll tell you why Because you're not cool So I don't listen to people that aren't cool That's it I'm like in less but no No that's it And you want to be cool I know right? Remember being? Yeah Remember being also Does not approve of Elon Musk He thinks that he is a douche Remember being keeps it real We keep it real What you see is what you get Hairless pussies Also How people argue with me about Cratum is fucking insane It's like I said the word Cratum And that it has done some things That have been negative towards my existence And somehow People have taken that as Hey, Cratum taker Fuck you retard I'm like what?
Like if you drink a bunch of beer every night Are you the best person you can be? No If you're happy being this mediocre guy And it's like I'm taking that as an insult You're calling me mediocre You're fucking ah You are You are mediocre you When I did Cratum all the time I was mediocre Jason When I slept with a bunch of different people all the time I was mediocre Jason When I smoke weed from when I get up when I go to sleep I'm mediocre Jason I don't really understand what anybody's going through anymore I don't really understand what I'm going through anymore I don't really understand anything anymore And guess what? I've always done it So I've never really understood anything Like the moon is a certain distance from the earth And if it was a certain distance That was different We wouldn't be here Some giant ball of fire rises And heats up flowers and grows shit Water comes out of the sky There's giant fish and you see it can bite you in half What is it off the puss? That guy's got a big That's a bird What's going on?
Eagles don't have penises Turtles poo and pee out of the same hole The world is crazy You're all numbing it out And it's not an evil plan It's just what happens It feels better to be comfortable What I'm saying is Embrace uncomfortable Now I sound like a motivational period of idiot But it is true You know when you do this when you try this And you dedicate yourself to this You start to feel this thing That you want to scream to other people Don't fucking wake up You're blowing it You're missing out on the whole thing I'm not saying be a samurai Just live 24-7 like Meditation fucking shopping in your sword I'm just saying Most of the time have a goal Know who you are Know what makes you happy If the people around you are the wrong people Fucking cut them off Life is too short Make the most of you You know When you're in love with life When you're in love with the sun on your face When you're in love with water and seeing the fish and things And then you find a person that you love You don't know what love is until this love Because you're half you When you're full you Everything is fully awesome Or fully shit Fully shit is good Full dark is good Fully bad times is good When you believe that You cannot be destroyed When you cannot be destroyed You shine You live life to the fullest Life is a gift If you don't live it to the fullest You disrespecting it And that's it One day we'll die Hopefully it isn't today