Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Emmy-nominated, Emmy Capabin. I'm joined by Emmy-nominated Dan Shepard. Never been nominated.
Soon, soon, soon, soon, soon. Today we have Jeff Garland. Yes. We love him.
He's an actor, a writer, a director, a producer. Comedian. Comedian. He's on Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Goldbergs.
He's in WALL-E, Daddy Daycare. He is a very lovable gentleman. I came to know him. I think I was doing the Conan O'Brien show.
We were out there together. We had just a blast together. That's kind of where our friendship was forged. Also, before we get to Jeff Garland, Cleveland, come party with us on June 23rd.
Tickets on our website for our live show. Also Detroit. Don't let me down, Detroit. I want to see a packed house at the Fox on June 21st.
Homecoming. Should I wear an outfit for that? Yeah, homecoming outfit. So, like, with the robe and the king crown.
Yeah. You don't think that'll be off-putting to see me enter as a monarch? I think if I come on as a monarch, people will be like, this guy really gets high on his own supply. Yeah.
He's drinking some cool. Yeah, this guy's a real dick. Yeah. We'll find out.
Okay. Detroit. June 21st. Go to the website, www.armchairexpertpod.com.
You wish it was a dog work so bad. No, I don't believe in dog works anymore. The myth has been busted. This illusion.
Very sad about it. Please enjoy Jeff Garland. We are supported by Airbnb. If you've ever traveled to kids or with extended family, you know how much difference a little extra space can make.
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He's an entrepreneur. Jeff Garland, you got to watch me just sprint back and forth in the attic. Did you think I looked athletic considering I have a surgical voodoo? You do move with the greatest of ease.
That's my opinion. That's what I want my whole goal. You're actually a specimen of a man. You're very handsome.
Oh, wow. I like your hair. Your arms are toned. Thank you.
You're a guy even with a foot problem who just is doing it. Oh, God bless you. Yeah. Well, you've always been really nice to me.
You're not really playing to the choir right now. No. In the past when you had no incentive, you were always kind to me. To need an incentive to be kind is so absurd.
No, I have dug you since I first heard about you from Bob Odenkirk. Oh, that makes sense. Yeah. And then I have followed you and think you're just a big bowl of wonderful.
Thank you. I remember very, very vividly our first interactions and maybe I'm wrong, but it's my record. We were both in Conan together one time back in New York. Right.
And I was talking about that. I have kind of a monopoly on playing douches in movies. If you need a douche bag, you pick up the phone. I'm going to answer.
I'll be there. Right. And then after the show, you said, I want you to know you don't give off any douchey quality whatsoever. I don't know that I'm one of the people when I think and I say it.
Yeah. And I found it to be really nice. You were telling, as I recall, some story involving you getting a massage in a hotel. Do you recall this?
Well, I have some massage. This might have been the one at the HBO luxury lounge where the table broke. Oh, yes, exactly. Yeah.
Falling naked is always unsettling. Oh, my. Well, first of all, it just sounds dangerous. It was very dangerous.
And on the way down, I farted, which I don't know if my body reacts with Paul's naked. Sure. And then when she came back in, I covered my wiener and I said, I'm very sorry if there's any smell. Oh, my gosh.
So lucky for you, she was out of the room. What happened? Yes. It was during the period of I'm going to go wash my hands.
Oh, sure. I always want to wash their hands so they're so clean before you. I'd be more concerned with after whoever you massage, you wash your hands. Anyhow, I put my arm on the table and I've gotten many a massage.
As I lifted my leg up and went to lay on the table, it collapsed. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. Oh, boy.
It was very unsettling. But it makes a ton of sense that you do it because your entire body now braces for impact. You're squeezing all the muscles. And I did cover my wiener because I felt like that'd be also very rude.
She comes back and it already doesn't smell so great. You fucked up her table. She took my wiener. Thank you.
And the cherry on the cake is your penis. Yeah. That was very kind of you. Yeah, I'm thoughtful.
Yeah. And you don't give off any douchiness. Oh, that shows your skill as an actor that you can play a douche. You know, I can really play.
I haven't been given the opportunity slightly on the Goldbergs because I'm a curmudgeon, but I can play a really jerky assholes. As a matter of fact, Ben Stiller, when he was doing Curb one time and I had just shaved my head for Curb, he said, man, you should be cast as a villain. I said, from your mouth to God's ears. Yeah.
I would love to be a horrible villain. Do you ever, like, you'll do a movie or show with somebody and you're kind of watching what they're doing and you're seeing how much fun it is and then you start thinking like, God, I got to do that. You know, I watched, I took a lot from was I did Mad About You and Carol Burnett was on. I watched the way she handled herself and how she approached things and how she treated people who approached her, you know, which was always delightful.
So I watched her very closely. And are you gracious? I hope so. You hope so.
I mean, I think I am. It's one of those things like, who am I to say I'm a good guy? But other people decide, you know, because many jerks think they're good guys. So I don't want to be the one going, oh, I'm a great guy.
I'm so gracious. Well, but then there's also the reality of life, which is there were many trips I took back to Detroit to deal with my father dying of cancer and I'm in an airport and I'm not feeling very fucking friendly, you know, let's discuss that. And at some point, no, man, I feel like shit and that's what you're going to get. I'm sorry.
Well, that's good that you can do that. I had an experience the views. I was very sad. And for some reason, I discussed this in therapy the other day, but at least a dozen people came up to me and I'm not exaggerating.
Every one of them told me how much I mean to them, how I help them with their lives and their pain. There were none like, oh, you're so funny, like general stuff. It was all deep. And what it was to me was the universe sending me a message.
You feel horrible. You feel you've done something. You're a good guy and you're doing nice things for people. It was strange.
And I didn't notice it in the moment. It wasn't until a day or two later reflecting. But can I add another theory to it? Yes.
Which is you might have been a little unaware of how you were carrying yourself. Right. And other people may have observed that you were looking a little sad and you run the risk. I run the risk.
It's a good time, Charlie. We don't really let people see too often when we're smarting on something. Right. And then when you do eval yourself to others, they will show up for you.
But it's also hard to receive, isn't it? Very hard to receive in that moment because I wanted to look at them and go, do you have any idea what I'm going through? The pain I'm in, but thank you. Yeah.
But I just said thank you to all of them. And by the way, it could be something in my body language that did say, hey, I'm approachable. Yeah. No, I wasn't.
Hey, I need a life wrath over here. Oh, yeah. Just have to assume it was romantically related. It was.
I'm going through a divorce right now and I had an unrequited love situation. Yeah. But that's now over. Yeah.
But I feel great. Can I ask you something? Yeah. Because you were married for quite a long time.
Yeah, 25 years. 25 years. She's a wonderful woman whom I still love madly. And who gave you two beautiful boys?
Yes, two beautiful boys who I love. The most Gentiling names I've ever heard, by the way. James and Duke. Aaron Duke.
Duke's first real name is Aaron. We wanted to call him Duke, but that's too strong of a name to give a baby. So we waited until he showed that he's very Duke-like. How about that when he really made a mess of his diaper?
You probably called him Duke. Like Han Duke. By the way, I never used that for Doody Duke before. Dookie.
Well, just even if you saw that he took a man-sized dump and you were telling your wife, sure. You'd be like, Duke, really ruined the diaper. I don't know what you fed him. Where did those names come from?
James comes from my great-grandfather. Because you needed a J? Yeah. And Aaron comes from Abe, my other great-grandfather.
You know, because Jews we name after someone who's dead. So my brother converted to Judaism. And he's probably the biggest Jew you know. For a period he was.
Some people convert. They're the biggest Jews. I know, especially women. When they get married, they convert.
Yeah. There's no sense even competing. They're as big a Jew as you've ever met. Totally agree.
And in this case, neither my brother or his wife were Jewish. I do believe motivated a lot that their children were being raised in a neighborhood of all Jewish people. So they were going to JCC for preschool. And my brother had this affinity for Judaism.
And then they just decided, what are we doing? Let's convert. They converted. So there was a period, especially when the kids were young, they were trying to teach them all the traditions.
Well, I got to be a part of some of those. I love the baby naming ceremony. I'm an atheist, but of the different religions I've been around, where I got... I'll talk about that with you, because I have strong feelings about atheism.
Oh, good. Let's hash it out. But let me just say that I've participated in different rituals from different religions. And the ones that I seem to, at least intellectually, appreciate the most tend to be the Jewish ones.
Like, the baby naming ceremony is the coolest tradition, because all it is is a great excuse to sit down and remember somebody. Which, when are you going to schedule that? But every time a baby arrives, you get this opportunity, right? You have to remember the past, yes.
It's so cool. I really, really like it. I don't even need to know that it stems from Yahweh to enjoy it. Like, it doesn't matter to me that I disagree with the origin, maybe.
What are your thoughts on atheism? I think atheism is completely wrong. Okay, great. I can understand someone being agnostic.
I also don't agree with Baptists, with Christians, with Jews, with Catholics, to where it's completely specific. By the way, what works works for me. What works for me is, there's something bigger than me. And I don't know what it is, and I accept it.
And you can even refer to it as the universe. The universe equals God in my book. But to say that there is no God, or nothing bigger... Also presume some kind of knowledge you don't have.
Yes, I'm cool with you from being an atheist. But I really do believe in there's something bigger than me. But I do not know what it is, and I'm not going to label it. It's a little arrogant to assume you know what it is, right?
Very much so. So one night I'm performing... It's equally arrogant for me to go, there isn't. Right, so I can see...
Or there's only a certain God, a Jewish God, or whatever. No, no, no, no, man. I feel humble as a human being that I don't know fucking anything. Sure.
I was on stage one night. Dude sitting in the front row is wearing what I thought was a Star Trek pendant. It looked just like the... Or whatever they would contact and give them news and information of here's where you're going.
People are listening. They're driving their cars into trees. It's so obvious. So I said they're doing a Star Trek.
He goes, no. I go, well, why are you wearing the Star Trek pendant? He goes, oh, that's because I'm an atheist. I go, you're wearing something to tell me that you don't believe in anything?
Right. I go, you don't think that... Yeah, when I walk down the street, I want people to know that I'm an atheist. And I thought, this is just insane.
I thought that was super arrogant. Sure. And somebody with an ego problem. Okay, you're right.
So now let's back the fuck up. So I'm in a program that requires I believe in a higher power. In and out. There's some symmetry where it's all working.
And I'm not at the crux of any of that. Isn't that the universe? It certainly is. And I can also equate the universe with God.
Yeah. Because God is a strange, all-powerful word. But I think that we're all connected. I bump up against the kind of sentient nature of it.
It's some kind of anthropomic expression. Here's the thing, though. I find organized religion completely arrogant and almost anti-humane on a lot of levels. A lot of wars and things are started because of that.
And that's because of their definition of God. I think that if we all agree that there's something bigger than us, we're in a delightful state. I'm happy to concede that, well, there's many forces bigger than me. Well, here's where it gets tricky.
Not only do I have to believe in a power greater than myself, but I also have to turn my will over to that. And that gets really dicey since I don't actually believe there's something I can turn my will over to. But again, here's how I get around that is I go, there's this incredible symmetry to everything. It's all working so well.
And I know when I do things that are rustling up against that symmetry. I just know. I can feel it. I know when I'm trying to bend the universe to my will or do you to my will.
I can tell. I'm very honest with myself. There's a big difference between just doing the hard work and then the results are what they are and trying to control the results. For me, I just do the hard work and then I don't know what happens.
That's how I turn my will over to the universe. But isn't that about being humble and saying there's something bigger than you? Yeah. So again, I don't think you're a fan.
The collective is much bigger than me too. If I sit in a meeting, I go, oh my God, there's some weird thing here that I know science can't yet measure, but I can feel it. But I don't know that it's necessarily scientific and or spiritual. I don't know what it is.
I'm just this schmuck who does comedy trying to help ease people's pain. So being humble and confident in your skills, there's no more delightful combination. Yeah. But you tell me I'm the least funny comedian that you know and you're having me on the show as a favor to your wife and I go, oh, that's nice of you.
No, but it's like, all right, if you think that everyone's funnier than me, enjoy it. But again, can I come at that from another angle? You can come at it from every angle. What I take from that is that Jeff Garland doesn't have a fear of not being funny.
None. You don't. Like me, I got fired last year from a sitcom. I had never been fired before.
Oh, I've been fired many. Oh, good. That helps with fear. Yeah, so when I left, and a good friend of mine was on that sitcom, he called me, he's like panicked about what I was going through.
And I said, you know, if I got fired because they said I am dumb, I'd be in an uproar right now. Right. Because I have a fear of people thinking I'm dumb. Right.
You know what? There's a few things I know about myself. I'm funny. Sorry, yes.
By the way, I'll line up and sign that petition that you're funny. And so if I get fired, I can recognize some other thing was going on that wasn't whether or not I'm funny. Right. Something else.
Or the people that fired you do not have a sense of humor. Or my sense of humor. Whatever. Well, yes.
That's nice of you to even add the my sense of humor. No. Well, but we both know other comedians, our peers, are not always the most gracious group. No, not gracious at all.
Because we think we're competing with one another. Well, no, that's what they think. That's why, as I've gotten older and been a comedian longer, I spend a lot less time with comedians than I used to. Yeah.
I'm going to give you an example as to why your marriage works. Please do. Okay. Her success brings you just as much joy, if not more than your own.
And she has the same thing. And that, I would say, is the crux. Everything relies on that for those types of relationships. I would love to be with a female comedian.
I would love that. I don't know anyone that's going to be happy for me. I'd be happy for them. Yeah.
My nature. Yeah. Well, I must tell you, it was a long road to here, though. I'll be the first to admit that my male ego was very troubled that my wife made more money than me.
And by the way, it's so fucking stupid, but it doesn't matter if it's stupid. You could have lost that wonderful person. Oh, 100%. Right.
But now you know that's about the joy of her success. Well, you know what helped? You make these two little humans, and now it's all about these two. So we can actually look at her success and go, how lucky am I that I have a partner that can help me get these kids into college and across the finish line?
Yes. That's a beautiful thing that children provide that makes you selfless, whether you want to or not. How old are your boys now? They're 18 and 22.
And I am incredibly close with them. It's terribly difficult because they're so close to being men. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That it's hard to watch them be mentally challenged, but that's what they do until they're in their mid to late 20s.
Yeah. I have to strap myself in because my expectations when they're eight are minimal. Yes. My expectations when they're 20 are much greater.
Yes. But I don't put on them my agenda. What are your expectations? It's just that they're humble and they are moving in a direction that will help them lead a fulfilled life.
Right. Yeah. And that they work hard and they care about putting in a good day's work. You had a very lofty dream and you accomplished that dream.
And I'm assuming you had the revelation of like, oh, wow, I really thought for certain if I was the lead of a TV show, I would feel perfect all day long. Well, yes, that's the stupidity of youth where you think success is going to make you fulfilled. A unique parenting situation where my mom, rightly so, was like, hey, get a pliable trade so you can fucking eat. But we did that and we said to ourselves, oh, wow, the work started after that.
The real work on fulfillment starts after the illusion has been shattered. And so you almost want for your kids, like, you know what, sure, chase whatever you want. But fuck that. Also, be in the spiritual path.
Like, I want you to feel good. My older boy, I had him taught transcendental meditation. Oh, great. And I'm going to do that with my younger son.
The thing is, I have fought long and hard within my own mind in terms of. of wanting to protect my children, wanting to give my children everything. And all I can do, I realized the big lesson was, I can't make them have a great work ethic. I can't, these are all things, the only thing I can do is, they know their dad loves them and respects them.
Yeah. I can do it because I found respect to be the key thing in terms of my relationship with my children. It started around 14 or 15, as opposed to yelling and punishing. When they know you respect them and they've done something to disrespect you or disrespect that relationship, they feel it.
100%, that's how my mom raised me. When I was in trouble, it wasn't like you're in trouble. It's like, hey man, I fucking believe in you. I trust you.
I empower you. I give you so much slack. And your end of the deal is that you don't throw a pie in my face. By the way, that is it.
It reminds me of your point now, looking back on raising an 18 or 22 year old, that's all you can do. Anything more than that, I'm in a law. What more you can do than show them love and respect and hope that they see that and it comes back to you. In great measures, it has come back to me.
But still, I don't know what I can do more than that. Hey man, you gotta go work all day. Hey man, you gotta, I sound like noise. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I agree.
Another thing that I've done that has been pretty successful and helped is I ask them what they think about the situation. Let me hear your thoughts before I say a word. Yeah, I love that. And that has been very beneficial.
Well, now, in my experience, the father-son relationship is wrought with complexity. At least in my experience it was. My dad and I had a very challenging relationship that many times, probably all coming from me, I don't know, me punishing him for divorcing my mom or something. What was your model like?
Did you have a great relationship with your dad? Your dad sold plumbing supplies? We had a family plumbing supply business and then he was a legal administrator for law firms. My dad was a very blue collar, a white collar, blue collar guy.
The calf would be white and blue. And this is in Chicago. This is in Chicago and then South Florida. In the 60s.
60s and 70s. Right. Okay. So the dude just didn't understand that I wanted to be a comedian and he shoved college down my throat.
Right. He was quite scared for you, right? He was scared, yes. And we clashed on that heavy.
Yeah. You're a big dude. Was your dad a big guy? Not as big as me.
Okay. Yeah, my brother's not as big as me. Okay. But I didn't use that again.
All right. I will kick your ass. Yeah. No, but my father very much wanted me to become a lawyer, becomes a professional of some sort.
That's also the Jewish thing. But also, as I'm saying this, the dude was a loving dude. He was a great guy. Yeah.
And so it was the only thing that we fought on. Right. The only thing ever. And then about three, four years in, he said to me, you know, you're as good as any comedian I've ever seen and I'm so happy you went down this path.
Oh, wow. Which was so touching. How old were you when that happened? Mid-20s.
Oh, that's lovely. Well, then you answered one of my questions, which was you moved to South Florida in sixth grade, which I think could be very challenging. It was very challenging because I was the first Jew that a lot of kids down there. I mean, some people don't look at South Florida as the South, but it's very much the South.
And I got into a lot of fights and my humor helped me get out of fights. I didn't like fighting. I didn't want to fight. Right.
Yeah. What part of South Florida? Plantation Florida, which is just outside of Fort Lauderdale. That sounds so racist.
By the way, yeah. And the grocery store was Winn-Dixie. Sure, sure, sure. So yeah, it was really Plantation Florida.
You don't get more racist sounding than that. No, you're friends with John Stewart. Yes. And he was on Stern and he was talking about the rabbinical approach to things.
And I found it so appealing. There is this unique communication style that the rabbis use. And again, it's another element I'm attracted to. And it's kind of, I can have my opinion.
I can be super respectful to hearing yours and give it the time it deserves and all that. And there's just a confidence in one's opinion that allows them to be open and listen to others. Listening is the whole thing, man. Our country is so divided and all it needs is, oh, you feel that way.
I feel this way. Let's talk about it. It's like, it's just a minimal thing of agree to disagree. Yeah, it's not life or death that you and I differ.
I know, but that's how people approach it. It's kind of disgusting. Yes, it's troublesome. But so you were into sports, but then you discovered, I guess at a semi-young age that you had an electrical issue with your heart.
I did. Wolf-Parkinson-White syndrome, which by the way, professional athletes get now and they just have it taken care of. But when I had it, they told me the only choice you have is to have open heart surgery. And I'm like, really?
So I didn't do anything. And then I ended up being, this is really kind of amazing. I was number 72 of this new procedure. And there were doctors from Harvard and UCLA in the room, I remember, when they were doing this procedure.
I mean, I was the 72nd. The equipment that they used, I mean, said not for human use. That's always reassuring. And how old were you when you had that?
The procedure, I was 27. So I was already a comedian. Because my good friend and I got a very similar thing, right? You live with this kind of black cloud.
There's a few things that are scarier than your heart being. The number of times that I thought I was dead, I can't even begin to count. Because I didn't have a condition and I was certain I was having a heart attack like 12 times, right? So I can only imagine if I had a condition.
I remember being on stage at Second City saying to my castmates, you got to cover for me and going off into like this little hallway, which is alone, which nobody can really get to. And laying there going, well, this is how you die. I try to keep my cool so as not to freak out others. Well, also you're thinking the worst thing that can happen right now is I get adrenalized and the heart starts beating even faster, right?
It's all scary. But by the way, that helped make me a better person and a better comedian. How so? Because it makes you humble.
The more humble you are, the more vulnerable you are, the better artist you are and the better person you are. Yeah, I completely agree with that. And that's why friends who have children who are facing adversity of health, I say it's going to make them a better person. Yeah.
They will rise above this. That's the other huge trick in parenting is like your inclination is to prevent them from any discomfort because they're an extension of you. And then you often have the power to do that and you have to regularly remind yourself like, no, no, they need those tools. I remember my son being in trouble at school and wrongly, but I had to say to him, hey man, there are going to be dicks in your life.
There are going to be situations that you can, so I can't go and invite your battle. Yeah. But I agree with you, but know that this is part of what the world offers and I apologize for having to present that to you, but it's my job. It sounds like you and my mother could have done a great job raising someone because I one time wanted, I had a third grade teacher that I just, she hated my guts, and maybe rightly so, and I hated her guts.
Why do you always say that? Well, in this case, I have this, but maybe it was me. Well, can I tell you why I approach things this way? Yeah, why?
Because the only variable in the equation between Mrs. House and Dax Shepard that I have control over is Dax Shepard. So the only person in life I'm going to change if I want a different outcome, if it's Dax Shepard plus Mrs. House and I don't like the fucking outcome, I can't change Mrs.
House. So who am I going to change? I'm not going there, but that doesn't mean that she's not 100%. That means you're going to a humble, enlightened level.
So I did not like Mrs. House. I didn't like her either. Okay, well, I was begging my mother, like, can you get me out of this class?
There was another third grade teacher in this school. And so she said, listen, hon, you're going to have a lot of Mrs. Houses. You're going to have a Mrs.
House as a boss, you're going to have a Mrs. House as a fucking, you know, you name it. Oh my God, they're all over. Yeah, and if this is the only one you'll ever encounter, sure, I'll get you out of it.
But I think it's a great time to practice on how to deal with a Mrs. House. So what did you just want me to do? A couple things happened and it got to the point where my mom finally said, you know what, I'm going to go down there and I'm going to get you out.
And she went down and she came back and she said, they will transfer you. And it's that thing you were talking about. I was like, God, you just went and did all that for me. And I go, I'm going to stick it out because I knew it would make her happy.
I knew she wanted me to learn to deal with someone I didn't like. And she proved to me that she'd go to the mat for me. And then I ultimately was like, I'll say, and then I ended up saying, look at you. I read some, so I don't feel like I'm outing you or exposing you because you seem to be open about it.
You say that you're eating is addictive, right? Yes, very much. That is my addiction. No doubt about it is eating.
I can go two years without smoking pot. I can go two years without having a drink. It has no bearing on me. If you were to give me a plate of brownies right now, I would be on the fast track to killing myself faster than, you know, if you're lucky, you know what it is that gets you.
See, right now, unfortunately for me, I'm in a gray area, which is not a safe place to be, meaning on occasion, I will have some sort of health bar thing situation. That's a little sweet. Yeah. And I'm like, no, I don't have 40 of them and it doesn't leave me to 40 more, but enough of those stupid protein cookies and whatever.
It's too gray. And I'm aware of it. And there is action being taken. That being said, I have not had an ice cream, a piece of cake, a real cookie, any of that.
For right now, I'm on like 14 months. Oh, that's fantastic. And before that, I did it for quite a while too. And I'm super sympathetic to people that have eating issues because it's one of the only things where you have to eat.
Like, I don't have to drink alcohol. If I had to drink alcohol three times a day responsibly, I don't know how on earth I could do that, but you have to eat three times a day. And it is the thing you're powerless over. So I'm uniquely sympathetic to that.
I need to humble this. I can't do this. Stay tuned for more FarmShare Expert, if you dare. So I used many different substances to control and regulate my emotions.
Right. So when did you start using food to control your... When I was a little boy. A little boy.
Yeah, a little boy. Yes, really little. Like as young as I can remember. And I didn't really get fat.
Like I looked at pictures in high school and I go, you weren't fat, but I felt fat. Yeah, yeah. What do they call that term? Body dysmorphia.
Body dysmorphia. No doubt about it. I was not Fat Johnson at all. Right, and you felt fat.
You were kind of adorable. Yes. Oh, we're so mean to ourselves, aren't we? Okay.
So I'm going to jump to something here and then I'll come back to sugar. The thing I want to jump to because you're saying mean to yourself. The only thing that I know is if everybody were kind to themselves. If you're kind to yourself, it's hard to be mean to other people and make bad decisions and it's the hardest thing in the world.
I know this. And you know, every day I get up, I look in the mirror and I smile at myself in the morning, which makes me laugh because I look ridiculous. I try and set a tone of being kind to myself, but yet I'll say those things, you fucking idiot. It's just because it's so easy.
You go the negative route. At what age do you connect the dots that? Oh, I'm not just hungry. I don't just enjoy sweets.
I'm trying to regulate myself. It wasn't until my father died, which was about five years ago. Okay. And I stopped eating sugar and I realized that I had nothing to grab onto to deal with the sadness that I felt of losing my father and I started on Alexa Pro and it helped me.
Yeah. But then it made me clear to see, wow, I'm having trouble functioning as a human being without the sugar. Yeah. And so that's why I went to the Alexa Pro and I felt that I'm no longer on that I'm on something else.
But I know that when I'm shoving, and shoving is the right word, it's not delicately eaten. When I'm shoving Pop-Tarts raw because I don't have the time to toast. Who has time? I'm not toasting them because I want to shove the feelings down immediately.
Yeah. When I am doing that, it is not about the Pop-Tarts, how they were created, what they're doing for me nutritionally. It's 100% emotional and I'm not present. You're going to distract yourself from everything you're not enjoying.
I've been sober this current run since the day my mom passed away, which was last November. And I just, it's really weird because I didn't know she was going to die that day. I had just seen her in Chicago. I'm flying home, generally on the plane.
It was when Virgin was still flying. They had these Swedish fish from Dean and DeLuca. Okay. And I would get three packs of them.
And I bet you're your most charming self with the stewardess while you're asking for these, right? You're using all your skills. Good night. I could have asked her for 20 bucks.
When I come, I was like, it's a little bit of a cut me off, but I got to be ahead of this. Okay. So I would do that and I also would load up on treats at the airport to have in my little pocket with the thing. Well, I landed, okay, this particular flight.
I hadn't asked for Swedish fish. When she asked me if I wanted any, I said no and I hadn't touched the stuff and I didn't pay attention to any of it because I was just deep in reflection what have you. I was present. So that night at home, having been to Overeaters Anonymous, knowing what it takes to be sober, I thought, you know what?
Tomorrow morning, you're going to a meeting because you don't want this to stop. Right. So it stopped naturally and then I went to the meeting and that afternoon of the meeting, my mom died. Oh, wow.
It wasn't a decision my mom said I'm going to honor her by being sober. I got you. It had already started. It's a lot of adversity during that day.
My mom was the last thing and then that night, I had to go do a show, an hour. Really? The day my mom died, the day I decided to go sober, all of this. But I thought to myself initially, how am I going to do an hour is what I'm feeling.
Right. You know? And then my wife, who this was right before we separated, the best man I can be. But my job is to ease people's pain because there were people sitting in that audience who were dealing with things very similar to what I was dealing with.
And it was my job for that hour to take them wherever I could take them. I have become even, I've always been very honest and very vulnerable on stage, but I'm at a whole new level and people are finding that very comforting and moving. And I see it in their reactions and it's been very exciting. It's uniquely, it's way more rewarding, isn't it, than making people laugh.
I thought for me, the height of the experience on planet earth is making someone laugh. As I started being a guest on podcast and being open about all my struggles and then when people would connect to me on that level, I found that just infinitely more rewarding. What I'd like to do is combine that with the laugh. Yeah, yeah.
And that is just, it's magical for me. Now OA, because I'm a little curious, because I know that in SA and SLA, you end up having to define what sobriety is going to be, right? So I think in SLA, you have like a bottom line, they call it. And so if you don't cross your bottom line, you pick, right?
So it could be no call girls or it could be monogamy, whatever the thing is. So in OA, do you define what sobriety is for you? Everyone has their own thing, yes. Mine is, I'd like to say sugar, but some of those health bars ice cream to me is so beyond the human condition.
It's so magical that I would equate it with an orgasm. I would equate it with sex. It's just... Like it's greater than the sum of its parts.
When you're looking at it, you think there's no way... No, ice cream is magic. And I only like vanilla. I mean, I like all flavors, but vanilla was my favorite, which, you know, it doesn't take much.
Yeah. Okay, so now you drop out of college, you move back to Chicago. Yes. Chicago is a fantastic place to be if you want to get into comedy.
Yes. And you did Second City. Yes, I did stand-up at Second City. Oh, you did stand-up at Second City.
And you have to... Whatever's going on in the room, you have to sort of go with. And do you start by interacting with people in the audience? The way I've been doing it is every time I go up on stage, I play a different song.
So I might play, like, the other night, the first one up to, a song that I've used before, more than any other probably, but I'm always different. Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash. Oh, sure. And I started talking about what the song means to me, what the song means to me on that given night, and then that just starts a conversation.
Boom, I'm off. Right. And, yeah, it requires a lot of confidence. But by the way, I have comedically, I'm 56 years old, I've been doing this since I'm 20, I have supreme confidence in what I do.
Yeah. I go on stage, I'm Tom Brady. You're fucking comfortable. The only arrogant thing I ever say about myself is, I'm not going to say I'm the funniest comedian, but I will say unequivocally, amongst all of my peers, I am the most comfortable comedian on stage.
Right. I'm number one in comfort. Which, by the way, is for me, 80% of the experience of going to stand-up is just my mirror neurons. If I can detect that they're nervous, I am now so nervous and I find it the most excruciating experience.
To me, I'd rather see a guy come up short on an 80-foot motorcycle jump. I mean, honestly, that would be easier for me to experience. It's the only in my life I have supreme confidence in. Okay, so in Chicago, you end up being roommates with Conan O'Brien, which I think is just, for gossip's sake, fun.