John's Birth Story

Hi guys, welcome to the Daily Vent, a medical mom podcast. Today, I am going to be sharing my birth story, which is something that I don't know if I've ever shared before online. Basically, I didn't start sharing John's journey until he was nine months old. On TikTok is when I posted my first TikTok, I had shared a lot of things with just our family and friends on Facebook and Instagram when I was on private.

And we didn't share John's face until he was seven or eight months old until after he got the trip. We really would only do an update once a month, if not every other month for everybody, just because it was just so much and so here and there. So I never have shared his birth story publicly. So I think it's kind of time to do that.

I think I'm kind of in a safe space to be able to talk about it. I would say it's not the most, it is traumatic, but I have met many other people who have 10 times more traumatic birth stories, but it is still pretty fucking traumatic because my son was born at 23 weeks. My birth story started, well, let's start from the beginning. I got pregnant.

I was, I found out end of November. No, beginning December. Okay. Beginning of December that I was pregnant.

I was getting married January 21st, so in two months. And it was definitely a surprise. I was just excited. I was shocked.

My mom's question was, how are you going to fit your wedding dress? And I was like, okay, only 11 weeks pregnant at the wedding. It's all going to be fine. I ended up being so sick, the first trimester that I lost 15 pounds.

So we ended up having to take the dress away in instead of letting the dress out. So it kind of ended up working out, I guess. I had a normal first trimester. I was sick all the time, which I guess is normal.

I had night sickness. So I would just feel like shit all day, sometimes throughout during the day, but then at night is when I just puked my brains out and I'm a violent pucker. Sorry if that's TMI, I'm a very violent pucker. So I pop all the blood vessels in my eyes and my face and I have a bloody eye, a bloody face.

It looks like somebody beat me up and there was like a week where like I couldn't go out in public because it looked like my husband beat me. But anyway, normal first trimester, the only thing that looking back at now, and I don't know if anyone else has had this. And if you have every single time that I would throw up, I'd pee my pants every single time. It got to a point where I had to sit on the toilet and throw up in a trash can or bag because I was peeing so much, like a full pee.

And now looking back, I wonder if that was like a huge sign for my incompetent cervix because I could not keep anything in. Like literally I would just do a simple sneeze or gag or anything and I would full on just pee myself. I would have to ride in the car with towels underneath of me because I would throw up in the car and I would just pee and I'd have to change my pants like when I was working at the time go in the bathroom and throw up and like have to change my pants because I would pee. And so even if I like had just peeved, it was wild.

So looking back at it, maybe that was a sign. Maybe that's just a normal pregnancy thing, but for your first pregnancy, it's like, I don't know if that's normal. Normal pregnancy got married. Everything was great.

We went on our honeymoon. I was 14 weeks pregnant. That's when we announced everything was fine. And then around 19 weeks I started to get really constipated and like to the point where I had Jordan giving me enemas, which is another team.

You're going to learn on this podcast that I have no, like I will tell you anything. I don't care. We all go through it. We're all women.

We all poop. We all fart. We all shit. We all throw up.

Everybody does it. I don't believe in the whole like Girl Stone Fart Girl Stone poop. I have three brothers. I grew up with all brothers.

I grew up basically as a boy. I'll say whatever. I have no boundaries. It gets me in trouble sometimes, but that's okay.

It's, you know, I am here. I want everyone to be as open as possible and not feel judged about anything. So if it was so constipated that I was literally like on the toilet crying and I swear to this day that the doctors have told me and reassured me so many times that this is not the case, but I swear that I put myself into early labor because I was pushing so hard to get this fucking poop out. Like so hard because like two days later is when I went in for my anatomy scan at 20 weeks.

And I had complained to the lady on the table that I had some like weird cramps and I like my back was killing me. I just couldn't sleep. But I thought maybe it was because I was nervous for my anatomy scan because we have a lot of heart conditions in our family. And so I was going to maternal fetal medicine doctor for my anatomy scan and I was just nervous because I think everybody when you go to your anatomy scan, there's a little bit of nervousness because you're finally going to be seeing everything that you haven't seen in other scans and that's kind of when you find out the OSHIT stuff at 20 weeks.

And so I was nervous and I thought maybe that's just what it was. And so the whole time that I was on the table, I was so uncomfortable and it was just a normal table, right? That you lay on and you spread your legs or I don't think I was right. Like it was the ultrasound, right?

And I just was so uncomfortable. I kept moving and she's like, are you okay? And I'm like, yeah, I just can't get comfortable. My back is just killing me.

So she left the room because she asked me how long it has happened going on. And I said, I'll just since last night, it's like here or there, I just think it's nerves and we're just the baby laying weird. So she leaves the room and comes back and says, you know what? The doctor really wants to do a vaginal ultrasound just to make sure that everything is fine, just to be safe because you're having this back pain.

I'm like, sure. Okay, sounds good. Like not thinking anything of it. She does the vaginal shan I've decided to sign the consent because anytime they like stick it in you, whatever they have to make you sign a form.

I'm like, yeah, yeah, whatever. Jordan could care less. Everything was good on our anatomy scan. So we were like happy does the ultrasound.

And she like leaves right away. Like she does it in like two minutes and then she's like on and I googled like what is a cervix look like because I was like, we're waiting and like I googled it real quick. And I was like, that kind of looks like what the fuck mine look like. Like, I don't know.

She looks not concerned, but she didn't look like reassuring and she just like left the room and within two minutes. So I'm still googling the cervixes on my phone. A doctor comes in and sits down and I'm like, oh shit, she goes, you are an active labor and you are centimeter dilated and we're going to send you right now to St. Joe's women's and they know you're coming.

We've already called them. You're going to just go straight there. We'll worry about payment and all your insurance stuff. Another time you're just going to go straight there and they're going to see if they can stop the labor and what we can do from there.

Meanwhile, I'm like, you know, just like losing my shit and I can barely ask any questions and I'm just like, oh my God. And I know at 20 weeks, you're not viable. So I'm like, what the hell like what do I do? And I was like, what if I'm like, is there anything we can do?

Like, can you like, so me up, like lay me upside down? Like, what do we do to get this baby to stay? And she says, if we can't get the labor to stop, that there's nothing that we can do, right? Because you can't do a surclog, because you can't do a surclog if you're an active labor.

It's useless. If you're an active labor, the surclog does nothing. A little backstory, I want to surclog is a surclog is basically where they go in vaginally to your cervix and they it's like a drawstring backpack. So they like put a stitch and then they pull it really tight so they like clamps your cervix shut.

And so this would be a rescue surclog. I was praying on the way there, basically. And I had called one of our friends that had had a surclog before because she went in. I don't know if she went into labor, but it was something similar and she had to have be on bed rest and be on a surclog and everything.

And she made it full term. And then she just had a different baby and had a preventative surclog. So I had never heard of it until this, this friend of ours. And so I was somewhat familiar with it.

And so I called her crying on the way and she's like, it's going to be okay. And she also works in the healthcare industry. So she was very like, giving me a lot of information on what to expect and what to say, what not to do, blah, blah, blah. So we get to triage.

I'm still a mess. I can't form a sentence and I just prayed and I prayed and I prayed and I prayed on the way there. Like, please God, stop this labor, stop this labor. Please stop the labor, stop labor.

And once we get there, they put me on a monitor. And when you're only 20 weeks, like when they put, you know, the little like thing on you to check what you're at or your contractions, excuse me, it doesn't really pick up when you're that early, because the baby is so small. But my pain stopped. They didn't get any payment.

The pain just stopped as soon as I got there was very odd. They checked me into the room overnight. I was on the high risk floor. I was not in labor anymore, which was good.

The doctor basically said, if this continues, if you continue not being labor, we'll do a surplus first thing in the morning. So here I am on TikTok in everywhere researching circlages while there's nothing out there except for like weird stuff. I joined a circlage Facebook group, which that's a whole nother episode. I'll go into and how great these Facebook groups are for medical parents or just people who are going through some shit.

She comes in the next morning and says, we're going to do the surplus. And basically, I won't know if it will be successful or not until I get in there and I see how dilated you are. And if your mucus plug is still in there and if your membranes are still in there and then we'll go from there, we won't know until basically you're laying on the table already have a spinal and I'm in there because when you're already laboring and stuff like this, they don't want to keep putting a vaginal ultrasound on you to check like it just does more damage. I got wheeled back and they gave me a spinal, which is like a more intense epidural and it sucks.

But here's a tip I learned when I gave birth is that you can request to lay down for it instead of like sit up awkwardly. You can lay down if you really tell them and just like get in like a fetal position and it makes it so much better. And my second time I got a spinal done, they couldn't get it. They just took me three times and it was still less painful than the first one when I sat up.

So there's so I'm laying down and the staff was great and she comes in and I just kept saying, like, can you save the baby? Can you save the baby? Can you save the baby? And she's like, I'm not there yet.

Like I'm just getting in like and they kept telling me like, okay, give her a second like panicking. You're awake for this. It's awesome. And you're like Trente Lemberg, which is like upside down.

It's super awkward. Finally, she says, okay, like you're almost three centimeters dilated. But the membranes are still like I can see them. So I'm going to shove them back in and the plug is still there.

So I can do the circle. And I'm like praising Jesus. She does the circle. She's I leave the OR I'm happy as can be ordered a pizza once I got upstairs.

Like I'm like, it's all going to be good. We're going to just, you know, and her thing was like, we just have to make it to 28 weeks, like make it to 28 weeks. I had to be on strict bed rest. She said everything looked great.

It was a great rest. He was her clog like come back in five days to my office and we will check to make sure everything's still good. So I went home. I had some bleeding, which she said was like to be expected, I guess, with the surgery, like because you go in, you're stitching up cervix, there's going to be some.

And I had like this weird goopy stuff that came out and they have kind of said that that could happen too. So I was just like, okay, like I didn't think anything about pictures of and on day five, we went to maternal venison and they did the scan and the doctor came in. And said, I'm so sorry, but it doesn't look like the stitches holding and you have lost your plug and your membranes are like very close to coming out. And that was devastating.

At that point, I was 21 weeks pregnant, still not Bible. She basically said the new game plan is to get to 24 weeks because that's viability. I just was like, oh my God, I went home, cried a lot, prayed a lot. I really started to find Jesus a lot during this time.

I was not very religious before. I always had my own relationship with God, but and I still really am not someone who really understands the Bible and struggles with a lot of things. But man, the soul process has really run my faith. I was on strict bed rest, which if you know me, I can't just sit around and do nothing.

I can for a couple of days. I can be wrong. I love to be lazy and do enough. I can sit down and do nothing for a couple of days, but after about two or three days when you've watched eight million TV shows and movies, you're like, fuck this, I want to do laundry, I want to get up, I want to go to the store.

I just couldn't do it. I couldn't even take my dogs out. Like, I literally was allowed to get up to go pee and to shower. Like that's it.

And I had a shower. I started to go crazy and then the air conditioning at our house broke, which was awesome. So then I had to go moving with my mom for like a week until they would fix our air because we rented. We all we still read because who can afford house right?

I was laying in my mom's and then there was a time when I thought I was in labor. So we went to triage and on the way there we had just got a new car because we sold both of our cars, just have one car because we can afford to car payments anymore and we needed a car for a kid. Because we had a big truck that didn't have a backseat and I had like a small sports car. So we just got a new car.

It's my first time ever riding in it because I hadn't left the house since I last putment. Remember, we're out of stoplight on the way the hospital. My mom's a couple of cars behind us because she was following light turns green to turn left, but not to go straight. And the guy behind us thinks that it turns green slams into us over a new car.

I think I'm in labor. I'm 22 weeks pregnant and I'm like, well, thank God I was laying back and so didn't hit my stomach because he hit us really hard. I've never seen my husband so upset. The guy was a total asshole and then was like, we need to call the cops and my husband works is a law enforcement officer.

So he badged him and was like, dude, like shut the fuck up right now. Like my wife is 22 weeks in labor and we're on the way to the hospital and you just hit me and my brand new fucking car. And the guy was nice after that. So then I got in the car with my mom, went to the hospital and my husband finished all the other stuff.

And so then when I got to the hospital, nothing was really showing. Didn't show that I was in signs of labor. It was probably just stress. They told me I could stay or I could go home.

So I went home. I needed to be seen though. Anyway, from the accident, they checked and everything was fine. Same old shit.

Zervics looked like shit. So I went home and then a couple of days later, I woke up just in like a lot of pain, just like period cramp feeling. And I just knew something was wrong. But I was like praying so hard that it was just like I had to take a shit.

Like, you know, maybe it was just like me and I really just need to take a shit. Like maybe it's that type of pain. At this point, I was 23 in one. So I had just hit 23 weeks and the goal was to get to 24.

So we weren't there. And I was mentally really not stable at this point. Being on bed rest, it was really draining and it was really hard. I didn't know how much longer I could take.

I mean, I had what four more months left or a couple more weeks at least to get to a good place. Went to the hospital. My mom took me because Jordan had to work and I just thought maybe it was another false alarm. I get there and I took a big old shit when I got there.

And I was like, maybe that was it. Like I'm good. I'm good, right? Like it's all good.

The pain's gonna stop. Like for five minutes, I was like pain free. And I was like, that's all it was. Oh my God, I'm so dramatic.

I just had a poop. No. Then they came like tenfold worse. They did the little scan with the Q-tip to see if I was in labor or whatever.

I don't know what that is. And it showed that I was put a little monitor on me. And since I was still only 23 weeks pregnant, it doesn't pick up. So I had like push a button every time I was contracting.

Then they looked at me and basically I was in labor. They admitted me. I called my husband. He called out of work and drove right there.

Said, you know, we're gonna try and stop labor tonight. If not, we're gonna have a baby tomorrow. Which was terrifying. There wasn't much they could do.

They gave me a steroid shot in my butt for the baby. Because you can give one every 12 hours for like 48 hours. I ended up only getting one steroid shot. Eventually they started me on mag.

And if you've never had a mag drip, it's miserable. It hurts like a bitch because they both sit into you like really fast for like 20 minutes or something. I can't remember. But like burns your whole arm or wherever the IV is.

And then you get really hot. So they turned the room down like super cold. I had like 8 million fans and ice packs on me. It was probably like 64 degrees in the room.

And I was sweating. So you're super hot. And then I just kept contracting. And I couldn't get any payments.

I don't know why. Because they were trying to stop it. So they weren't gonna give me an epidural. And then they couldn't give me certain payments.

And so I just literally labored without any payment. I didn't sleep at all that night. My husband slept right next to me on his little chair. Good for him.

What is with husbands? They can sleep anywhere. I just prayed and prayed that labor would stop. But I had a feeling it wasn't going to.

So I started doing some research on line on 23 weekers with the odds were things like that. And you type of success stories. I was in a pregnant with a circle large group and he success stories and like over 100 moms commented. And they all told me to join the micro pre-me group, which was a godsend.

And so I knew basically they warned me that the doctor was going to come in and tell me a lot of really scary things and don't let it scare you. That was huge to know that they were going to come in. They were going to tell me a lot of things and it was going to be scary and those that they have to tell you that legally they have to tell you that and a lot of the stuff can happen. And so you just have to know the risks.

So I warned my husband about that. And I knew that shit was really hitting the fan when my mom, who's not a morning person or ever on time, like got there at 6am. She was there right in early 6am because I texted her that my labor hadn't stopped all night. And so she was there and then all of a sudden my dad was there and my dad was supposed to be flying out the day for work.

My parents are divorced by the way. I don't know if you need that context but they're divorced. They get a lot of... well, ish.

My dad walks in and I'm just like, oh god. So this is for real. The OBGYN walks in that just came on call basically checks me and says, you know, I think you have an infection. I think that your body is trying to get this baby.

I think there's something infected like going on in you and for your own safety, we need to get to live here now. The NICU people haven't even come and talked to me yet. They were still neonatologists who were supposed to come talk to me that night. No one ever came by to do a consult with me.

So I'm like, oh my god. And then here comes the doctor. We call him Dr. Bad News Doctor.

He's a great doctor. I'll never share his name. Honestly, for the first two months of Arniki State didn't know what his name was. I called him Dr.

Bad News Doctor because that's my husband called him. For the longest time. And so that was the same. And eventually Nurse told him that we called him that which, whatever.

He was a great doctor. Nothing personal. He was just always the doctor that had to tell us the most awful things. He came in and I'm laboring still.

No pain meds. And my contractions are close and they were miserable. And so I was just like, like laying a bed, squeezing everything, crying and screaming. And he came in and basically introduced himself.

Hi, I'm Dr. Bad News Doctor. I'm the neonatologist. We're going to go deliver this baby.

And from your anatomy scans it shows that the baby is like a pound. That's positive, you know, but those aren't always accurate. And we don't know if we'll be able to save the child until the child is born. See if we have a breathing tube but small enough for the child.

All the things. And I just kept asking like, to 23 week or survive. Like, do you have 23 weekers born here? And basically, like they can't say anything.

They can't like be like, oh, yeah, all the time. They can't give away certain things either because they have stuff. So it was just awkward. Like he was just like, yes, you know, like they can survive.

But you know, they have like a 5% chance that this child is going to live. You know, and if they do live, they're going to have most likely have cerebral palsy, blindness, deafness, all these issues, heart issues, blah, blah, blah. And then there's all these risks that when they're in the NICU that they can have all these stomach, blah, blah, blah, just all of the awful things. And I just basically said like, is this torture?

Is this so mean to do to my child? Like to put my kid through this? And that was my main thing. I didn't want to torture my child.

But I wanted to give my child a chance. I wanted him to survive and I wanted to give him a chance. And I felt like God was saying like, we need to give him a chance. Let God do what God does.

And what the medical industry can do. The doctor, and this is one of the best things he's ever said, is either choice is a loving choice. And that stuck with me because 23 weeks when you deliver, you still have a choice. And I really thought that that was so well said.

And as hard as that conversation was, he did a really great job explaining it to us. The only thing I would change is that every time I was contracting, he would say, oh wait, or he would pause. And everyone would just be quiet and everyone would just stand there and watch me just contracting. It was awesome.

Highlight of the day for sure. Because I look over and it's my husband, my dad, my mom, all balling crying. Meanwhile, I'm crying, but I'm also screaming because I'm in so much fucking pain. And this little doctor is just like, okay, so statistics of pain, maybe didn't say it like that.

But whatever. So, well, let's save him. Do what you can save him. I looked at my husband and I said, do you agree?

Actually, we didn't always have him. Sorry. Do what you can save the baby. We didn't know what the gender was.

We were waiting. Didn't have to wait long, but we were waiting. So I said, just save the baby. As long as we're not torturing this child, let's give this baby a chance.

Let's see what we can do and give the baby a fighting chance. Because I had just read so many success stories. So I knew it was possible. I knew that God could do it.

I knew that the medical team could do it. I knew that the medical advances that it was possible for 23-weekers. He kept asking us, are you sure? So you're confirming that you want to save your baby.

You're confirming you want us to do all measures. And I'm like, yeah, fucking aye, I just told you. I changed my mind in 30 seconds. Fuck and save my kid.

And at the time, I was so confused that he kept asking us, are you positive that you want us to do all measures? Are you positive? Are you positive? And I'm like, why are you?

Why do you keep asking me this? And my husband just kept saying, yes, we want you to save the baby. Down the line, I learned that the doctors have to ask this a lot because in the moment, parents, if they don't know all the risks or they really don't understand it and they're just like, yes, yes. Sometimes they'll say, yes.

And then the baby will go upstairs and be intubated and look terrifying and be this freaking big. And we'll be like, I don't want to do this anymore. We shouldn't have just held the baby and let the baby pass. But at that point, the doctors have already intervened.

And they can't, if your baby is stable, there's nothing, you've started the process. And so it happens a lot. And so they have to really clarify with you many times, this is what they're going to do. It's going to be scary, but this is the choice you made.

And so we're going to do everything we can to save your child. So that's why they have to ask you a lot. So hopefully this never happens to you, but if they ask you all the time, that's fine. As soon as I said, save the kid for the 10th time, the lights turned on in the room and it was go time.

Like it was, I've never seen anything like it. My dad, I talk about all the time. It was like a well orchestrated, it was like a Grey's Anatomy episode. Okay.

The lights were on. There was like eight nurses in the room. Their doctors were in the room. Everybody was in the room.

Three people were on the different phone calls. It was wild. Like the Nikki was calling the Nikki people. Maternal female doctor was calling.

Like everybody was calling everybody. They were getting the OR ready to stand. They were calling anesthesia. Meanwhile, like while I'm getting all these talks, they're trying to get another line in me.

I kid you not. I am not being dramatic. They poked me. I already had one line, but they said they needed another line because I needed to get a blood sample to see what kind of infection I was having because that's what they assumed was going on.

They poked me at least 14 times in that room. They had the head phlebotomus come in. Okay. No one could get a line on me.

I am the hardest stick. People always think I'm being dramatic. I'm the hardest stick. And then if you don't let me eat or drink, which I hadn't eaten a drink in for 24 hours or 18 hours or 18 hours.

I don't know what that point. Maybe even like 12 hours. I didn't eat a drink in. You're not going to find shit.

Okay. I have a hard stick and I kept telling them like you're not going to get anything. And I hate being poked. I throw up when I get my finger pricked because I just, oh, like I just can't do it.

I'm a wimp. I don't mind the pain. The needle doesn't hurt. It's the when they search for your veins.

I can't do it. They got to the point where they pricked my finger and squeezed it for 15 minutes. And I'm pretty sure it was that 15 minutes when the guy was talking when the doctor was talking to us or was one of the doctors and I just sat there with my fucking finger out contracting and they squeezed it into a vial for 15 minutes and that was the only way they could get me the same. And then it came time to roll me back and my husband had the shits because that's what happens when you're stressed and he could not stop pooping.

Sorry, Jordan, but I'm erring or drain laundry. Could not stop pooping. And I was like Jordan, I love you to death, but like hold it in. We were about to go back to the OR like I know you're stressed.

I'm like, he literally couldn't stop shitting. And so my dad was like, you know, I was like knocking back like they're going back like you got to go like and so my parents were great. They took all of our stuff and I had a hard time being separated from him and so did he. But that's just the reality, right?

And so I was like, listen, you have like 20 minutes until they bring you back. Like get all your shit out. Literally get it out because when you're in the OR like my husband is super calm, cool and collective. If you've ever met him, he is one of the calmest people ever.

He's so amazing, so great under stress. Like doesn't panic. Obviously his line of work like he's just super calm. Sometimes it annoyingly calm because I'm a psycho, but we're the Ying and the Yang.

That's why we work together. It was weird seeing him so panic. That was another reason I knew like this was not good. I went back.

They let me get on the table and I basically said I'm not sitting up. I need to lay down. Like I'm in so much pain. I'm not sitting up like whatever.

The head anesthesiologist came in. Thank God. And he will explain the situation. I was like, yeah, bitch, like three weeks ago, I just got this done for my sister.

No, exactly what you're going to do. But I'm not sitting this time. So I laid down because I'm such a hard stick. They had to do like the bee sting numb three different times and try like the pressure, you know, when they put in the stuff.

It didn't work. So eventually they had to go as far up on my back as they like could without paralyzing. I don't know. Fucking me up.

They went way up high. Finally got it. After the day. They were three times.

So I got numb so many times in my back. At this point, they had pumped me with so much morphine. Thank God. I didn't have a second line in me.

So the anesthesiologist, like as soon as they got me done with the spinal, they laid, you know, leave me down whatever and the anesthesiologist, all just team. So the head anesthesiologist left. And then it was just like the CRNA's or whatever else in there. And they look at me and they're like, we're going to get another line in you.

We have to have another line. And I was like, please don't like I'm going to throw up this whole time. Like you're fine. You don't need another line.

Like you're not going to get it. And I'm like, don't worry. We're really good at this. Like this is all we do.

I'm like, you know, you're there. You're sick. You're like, you're not an idiot. Like I was like so just like, it life was weird at that point.

And I was like, please stop. Like you're not going to get a line in. You'll be fine. I'm going to let it know.

We have to do a line. And like fuck you. I don't think I said fuck you. But in my mind, I sure did.

I was so high at this point. They gave me so much drugs. They asked or then they sent Jordan in and he's in his little white outfit. And I had never seen my husband so pale before.

I don't know if it was from all the shitting. He had just did. But he came in and he he looked awful. I mean, we both did.

But he looked. I mean, they gave him a seat because he looked like he was going to fall over. And I was just like, Oh, here we go. I looked at him in the first place.

And I was like, Oh, I looked at him in the first place. And I was like, Oh, I was like, first thing I said was tell these fucking people not to poke me again. That's the first thing I said to him when he said, tell these fucking people not to poke me again. And he's like, baby, they have to get a line.

And I'm like, OK, well, fuck them. And I was like, give me something to throw up in. So I just start puking, like whatever. And I'm laying there.

And they said, do you want any music on? And I looked at him and he knew and he goes, Slindian, please. So they put on Slindian radio. It wasn't any Slindian.

It was everything but Slindian, which pissed me off. But it's a couple minutes later, you know, they told dad to stand up and look or whatever because the baby was coming out. They said, you know, you know, dad yelled out or whatever. And I don't know how I could tell because I don't think I can post pictures because I'll get canceled.

But like, this little boy's peepee was like non-existent. At 23 weeks, it's a joke. Like, there's poor guy. There's no balls.

There's no balls. And it was just like, it's a boy. And you know, 20 minutes earlier, maternal female medicine doctor said to me, well, it's a girl. She'll much better odds 60% better odds of making it and surviving.

So let's hope it's a girl. So two minutes after that, I found out it's a boy. And the first thing I said was he's gonna die. Mom of the year.

Anyway, they took him back into the little separate room that they had ready. I just said to my husband, like, you need to go with him. You know, they weren't letting him at the time. And so he's just like, I'm so proud of you.

It's a boy, you know, being sweet husband because he's the best. And then I was like, they're taking so long on my stomach. Can you stand up and look and see what they're doing? And he's like, they don't want me to look like they said, no, and I was like, I don't care.

Stand up and look. So he stood up and look and the whole horse like, source it down, please. You got yelled at. Oh, by the time, still no line in.

Just letting you know, still no line in. They had poked me incredibly another 10 times by the time Jordan got up to go see the baby. They got a line in. So they ended up sewing me up.

And at that time, I had told Jordan before I went back, like, whatever you do, don't leave me. I don't want to be alone. Like, I'm so scared. Like, just don't leave me.

Don't go like, you know, the baby will be okay. Like, don't go, you know, don't leave me. That all changed as soon as I became my mom. I'm like, you don't leave that fucking child side.

Like, I'm a big girl. You go with the baby. I'll be fine. I was high as a kid as well.

Like, the amount of morphine that gave me was just ridiculous. And I didn't know I was on drugs then. I found out afterwards that they had given me drugs. I didn't think they got me anything.

I just thought I was just like, all over the I sent him up with the baby. And I laid there. And basically, it was just like, I went with him. I was like, what's the next time like it took forever, but because they had to stitch me up and when you have a C section when you have a micro preemie, they don't cut you like a normal way, right?

Like, so when you have a normal C section, you have like the scar, like the smiley, like, just like the line, right? So when you have a micro preemie, your uterus just isn't stretched enough. So they have to cut you the normal way on the outside. Then when they go inside, they cut you all the way up your uterus.

I still can't feel parts of my stomach. Like, up here, like you could stab me and I wouldn't feel it. And they said that's normal. So anytime I have another kid, I have to have a C section of the way I'm cut.

And I have to deliver before 36 weeks. Or else it's dangerous for the way the uterus is. But let's be honest, I make it to 36 weeks. That's a whole other episode we're getting into when you have an competent service.

It sucks. I, I FaceTime Jordan in the post stop area and I just kept trying to prove to the lady that I could go upstairs by trying to lift my legs. I couldn't lift my legs. But I just kept trying.

Actually, I could lift them only if I squeeze really hard, but I made it seem like I could do it all the time, like easily. And so she let me go upstairs because I was like, I need my family. I was alone for like two hours while my husband's upstairs, you know, and they're doing all these procedures on my son. And he was by himself outside my son's room and we're just face tight.

Like it was just so lonely and my family is just sitting in like the waiting room. They had no idea because I told the doctor like, you can tell them that the baby was born. Don't tell them like anything about the baby. Don't tell them what the baby gender is like we want to talk to them.

So finally I get rolled up to my room. We get to this room. Of course the air is broken in the room. So then we had like switch room.

We announced our family that it was a boy that his name was John. We knew that we knew it was a boy's name was going to be John Pryor. And so Jordan just basically said like your grandson is John or something. I don't even know.

I'm exciting. And I mean, not really exciting, but they were excited. It was a boy. But you could tell they were fucking terrifying.

I just went into lane bed. I was in so much pain. I had just been through hell. But my husband kept looking at me was like, you need to go see her.

You need to go see him. And I was like, why? Like, this sounds so bad saying now, but I was on drugs. I had just been through hell.

And I was like, give me like an hour and I'll go up there. Like, I was in so much pain. And he was like, you need to go. Like, let's go.

And I was like grabbing a nurse and was like, come on. Like, she needs to go. So they're like, okay, can you stand? I'm like, Oh, fucking no, sure.

Like, let's try it. And I could barely stand. I stood up. Didn't realize that when you have a C section, you still bullied out your vagina like crazy.

So I stood up and just blood went everywhere. And I think it was like a newer nurse because she was like, not expecting that. And she was like, Oh, so that made me feel even more confident. And they put me in a wheelchair.

I kept passing out like in the wheelchair. Like, as they rolled me upstairs, every time we hit a bump, I'd pass out. I was literally being rolled out. My little brother was coming in.

And he says that he's like, you literally looked awful. Like, he's like, I was terrified when I saw you because you were like, not coherent. I was like, I know I wasn't. I was not coherent.

But now when I talked to Jordan about it, the reason that he did that was because he really thought that John was going to die in a couple hours. Like, he had seen John. And so he I hadn't seen him in person. I didn't realize just how small he was.

And so he really thought he was going to die. And he wanted me to see my son. And I'm very thankful for that now. But man, I wasn't so much pain.

I went up there and I saw him and it was really, I don't know, I don't really remember it a lot. I just remember it. It's the smell in the room. I don't know why it's making emotional.

I remember the smell. There's a smell. And if you've had a micropremie, it's like this weird. I don't know how to explain it, the smell.

I don't know why the smell is making so emotional, but it's this awful smell. And it's like, it's this humid. So they have to make the bed like human, right? And so like, it's like, it's like a shower, you know, when you like have to like wipe the humidity off of the glass door.

So like, that's what their isolate looks like. And so, and you really can't open it because they have to maintain a certain temp. And they have to maintain a certain humidity level because their skin, like it's not formed. Like he was, he looked like Jell-O.

Like he was like almost like a black red baby. Like, I don't know how to explain his coloring. He looked like, have you ever seen like a baby squirrel that's like first born or born early? Like, like he was like translucent.

And I remember like looking in there and just being like, the fuck like, oh my God, I couldn't believe it. And the smell, it was hot in the room. They had the room really hot because of him. I felt like a bad mom because they were like, you can go closer.

Like, and I didn't want to. I was in this wheelchair. I couldn't lean forward. I was uncomfortable.

I was really just kind of like in denial of everything that happened. And so I didn't stay long. And I was like, I just need to go back to my bed. And so we ended up going a couple hours later, like 2am or something.

And that was a bit better. I could really experience him. There was a really good night nurse there. And yeah, that whole that first time I met my son, I wish I remembered more of it.

I really do. And maybe it's a blessing that I don't remember it. But I'll never forget that smell. And I don't know why this fucking smell.

But like Jordan and I both agree that this smell like trigger stuff when we would, we knew that another micropimi was born in his little wing when we would smell that smell. It's so weird to smell. And so like you'd walk past her and be like, oh man, that's a fresh one. I got that sounds all about the same.

But you know, like you just knew I went back downstairs. I ordered a fucking pizza from 4bchees, which is like this bougie place in South Santa that delivered to the hospital that I could never get because we didn't live anywhere near there. And it's called fiber pizza and I got it delivered. I was so excited.

I started eating it and they'd tell me to slow down because I was like, gonna get sick, but I was so hungry. Still on drugs. And the only people in the room at the time was my dad and my husband. And my husband was like crying on the couch, you know, like just a wreck.

And my dad was being really strong and sitting in front of me and was just like, you know, just being a dad. And I look up at both of them. And this is so funny because it's so not me, if you know me, I look up at them and I said, he's gonna be fine. This is a level for Nick you and he's got God.

What more could we ask for? He's gonna be fine. We're gonna go home in a couple months. Everything's gonna be great.

Yeah. My husband looked at me fear on his face like who this is not my wife. And my dad started like laughing and said that's a great attitude. I really I pray when he doesn't break.

But he said, I hope that that stays like you should try and get that to stay like that attitude. It's a great way to look at it. Because you know, what are you supposed to say? My husband said nothing.

He was terrified because he's just not that simple and the goal, but he wasn't gonna say that. And I just kept saying it. Like I said it for like the next five hours. God's got him level four.

Nick you were great. We're great. And it got to a point where they kind of had to tell me like, stop saying it was so bad. And then the next day when the drugs were off, I was just like, Oh my God.

What the fuck is going on? Like this is not gonna end well. Like I had to set a 23 weeker. Like what the hell I kept to that sometimes.

You know, the God thing. God's got him. But then you know, there's other times where I would go to the chapel and at the hospital in Yellow God because the hopeless this journey. I mean, this is just his birth story and this episode's already freaking ridiculously long.

I'm sorry guys. I was expecting to do like a 30 minute episode, but I can talk for hours and I honestly have never talked this out with anybody before. So that's kind of healing. Yeah, I'll talk more about John's story.

After he was born in another episode, which I don't know if anybody wants to hear that, but in a way, it's healing for me. So nobody listens to it. That's okay. Yeah, it's it was a journey.

I stayed for a couple days. I I didn't have any pumping bras and have a pump. I had no idea how to do that. I have big ol boobs and big shoulders and any of the pumping bras that you could buy a target of Walmart did not even come close to fitting me.

So I had to order stuff on Amazon, but like none of that would get to me in time in the hospital. So I like sat in the hospital just holding these things. Thank God for one of our good friends. Amber Lee, who's actually John's God, mom came to the hospital like right when he was born showed up with everything I needed.

She had just had a baby like six months before. Maybe I don't know. And so she knew everything and was literally holding my boot like helped me so much. I'm so thankful for that.

I had another friend who hadn't seen in a while. She worked at the hospital and she came by after her shift that night or the second night and sat with me for like two hours and helped me pumped and just talked to me about things and it's just the community that I have around me is amazing and I'll never be able to show how grateful I am for our friends and our family. And then we went home and we left him there and yeah, that was hard leaving your kid in the NICU. It was hard, but we knew that it was going to be a long journey.

We really did. So, you know, we just knew that that was just a reality. We were going to have to leave him there and he was in good hands. We called all the time, all the time.

Yeah, the first the first week was okay. He was in the honeymoon period is what they say. We prayed for poop because that was all we needed him to do was just poop and then shit really hit the fan after that. Yeah, he got really sick.