JW Ep 104 - Mark Ellis

Yeah. We're it's it's happening. We're doing it. Mark Ellis is here.

We did it live on the show. Yeah. It's happening fresh off his new special Dog Stepfather available on YouTube from all things comedy. I don't know if the dog's gonna call into the show.

I would love if the dog would call into the show. I mean, I'm not you. Okay. This is crazy.

The reach of the show is unbelievable. I talk about it all the time, but your dog is actually calling into the show. The color idea is showing me right now. Hello.

Is this a Mark's dog that's calling the show? Yeah, it is. This is Molly. I'm a female, but I'm also a gruffy.

But what Jeremiah, I just wanted to say Mark's a great father. He should be upgraded to full-time father, not just my stepdad, but that's the way life works. And I'm really hungry. Now explain to some of us why is he a stepfather, not your true father.

What's going on with that? I come by Mark by way of my mom, Danny. She and Mark dated. That's Danny.

That's Danielle for for Danielle, not a guy named Danny. That's D.A. and I. I'm glad you're clarifying this Molly because we're all ready.

Docs are very progressive. Docs are very accept. I'll smell anyone. All right.

Male, female, gender, neutral. I will smell. As long as it's about your nose is up in it. I'll smell the cats ass.

Really? Yeah. OK. I see cats.

They're not big fans of mine because they're racist. Whoa. Cool cats. Whoa.

Cats are racist. Is that something that I thought now typically, stereotypically, dogs actually are known for going after certain races of people and being threatened by them. Not true at all. Not true.

I know what conversation. I will say this towards white dogs. I am not a fan of white dogs because white dogs, I have white on as you can see them. Right.

So full on white dogs, they bark. They're spoiled. They're ugly. Chickakes in their fur, and it's obvious.

So cats, where do the cats mean racist? Where does that come from? Because I've never heard that before. I've seen how a cat looks at anybody.

I mean, they just look so judgy. They look like Clint Eastwood on the porch in Gran Turino. Every cat just looks at every other living thing within the leering. Get off my litter box.

That's not your scratch and pose. But anyway, some Marcus, my stepdad, because I'm saying. He's Siames. He's Siames.

People keep coming around. We've got to do it. Well, Molly, thank you for calling the show. That's a time.

Oh, one time first time. Dogs are big in the podcast. Are they really? Cats, not so much.

OK. Well, what is it? Cats are more rush Limbaugh, morning radio. They're still in the NPR world.

They're still in the maybe just straight terrestrial radio. Cancer. Cats are all over the dial. They have no idea what serious XM is.

Yeah. Well, I just found out about what it was recently. Well, OK, welcome on dogs. Well, thanks for calling them all.

I appreciate it. We got green hearing. Bye. Bye.

That was a treat. That was a treat. I mean, it's rare that we start the podcast with a call. But sometimes you know.

Right out of the gate. Right out of the gate. That's what's going on. If I've never talked to my dog like that before, she doesn't.

She really is a sweet dog. Like I what kind of dog is she's a legal Boston terrier mix. And so I was dating Danny for a couple of years. And then we broke up and it was a very amicable split where we're all still friends.

And the dog just I mean, the dog and I we fell in love with each other. And Danny realized the connection that the dog and I had. So I still get to like that's why I'm the step that to the dog. You get visiting privileges and stuff.

I'm visiting privileges. She is overnight privileges. OK. It really is.

It's like a custody thing. It was like an amicable divorce with joint custody. And I could not be happier. Well, it sounds like you kind of get the she keep the dog most of the time.

Yeah. Oh, I get it. Then you have the best of everything. I ain't complaining.

Yeah, because the dog comes over. Don't tell her that. But you got the better end of the. Well, recently I didn't see the dog more than she has because she's writing on a show right now.

So she's gone all day. OK. And you know, I got shit to do. So I'm just hanging out and I get to hang out with the dog.

And it's like, I'm just such a big fan of her. We go on walks. I talked to her when I talked to other people. It's great.

Well, I'm glad that you know you and I are having this conversation day. Get you out of the house. You know, I'm talking to a human and it's talking to a human freak me out. What's going on?

And you're a human I like. I like it. You start like translating. It just gets to the point where I'm on stage and I just like freak out.

Yeah. Talking to a group of humans and not dogs. Like I don't know what to do. It's just so weird.

It sounds like a really bad like movie. It's going to be on the Disney streaming service. Yeah. Like a sequel to the Shaggy Dog.

What do you think of Disney Plus so far? I haven't really watched. I watched the Star Wars show. Yeah.

But I'm not caught up. You know, baby, I was cute. You're a huge Star Wars fan. Do you do you like the show?

I like the show. It gets my silver approval. Yeah. I'm pretty easy to please.

Yeah. When it comes to Star Wars, you just went to the premiere too. I went to the premiere of Rise of Skywalker. Yeah.

And that's not again the next morning. Did you like that much? I love the movie. Yeah.

Great. I really I liked it to see it. I liked it at the premiere. But the premiere, it's like everything is so overwhelming in the premiere.

Like the whole like red carpet thing. And then you're sitting in this theater and everybody's dressed up. And it's just like all this. I feel pressure.

I have nothing to do with the movie. Did you have were you almost nervous for the people involved? Yes. Like I just want this to be good for not just for me, but like for the franchise and the fans and also the people who worked on him.

I don't like like think about situations. I really don't like that's why I never go to I've never seen like a Cirque du Soleil show because I'm nervous. One of them is going to fall. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Like that's Siegfried and Roy when the tiger that's my nightmare. I just don't want to be in an awkward situation because what do you do? Yeah, you don't want to be a part of you don't want to be adjacent to something where you don't have any control over it.

No. Like why do people go watch space shuttle get launched? What are you if it blows up? Oh, yeah.

The dealer dead and you're just standing there. You're just like, well, I guess we got to go be lunch. Like what do you I I my life is set up to avoid awkward situations. Okay.

So I yeah, I read for the movie to be good, but more importantly than like the people in it, I'm just I love those movies. I grew up with those movies. They're in my family. I'm entrenched.

I'm not necessarily a star was a pilot just by do rude for the movies when I come on. I want them to be good. Do you have a do you have a can you narrow your your choice down to one favorite film? I can.

Yeah. Yes. Empire return to the Jedi. Yeah.

Yeah. It's usually between Empire and return to the Jedi. Yeah. It's like a new hope.

We won kind of, but yeah, yeah, yeah. The entire planet blew up. Yeah. That's like billy.

It's a lot of people. It's a lot of people. The entire planet. A couple pilots.

Some ewoks. We mostly survived that movie intact. Yeah. And so I just love I love it.

Happy ending. Were you did you think that it was necessary for in this last Star Wars film for a. Color and to kill Han Solo? I mean, it was necessary for a.

I was pretty upset at the time. I was pretty upset. But to make him and like like firmly in trench him in it to be a bad guy. Yeah.

Because nobody took him serious. I think for that. It's a spoiled kid and it's like, oh, you know, you have a bad shift at hot topic. Like what's the worst day like and then when he stabs his dad and kill it's like, oh, this guy's not redeemable anymore.

Yeah. There's no way we can redeem this guy. Yeah. When I first saw that trailer and I heard hairs and forego.

Chewy. We're coming up. I'm like, you know, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm, I'm like, I'm like. I was like, Oh, yeah.

I was like, I've been trying something. Yeah. And I heard it. Here's the forego.

Chewy, we're coming home. I was like, yeah, we are. Tears. Tears.

I was, I was weeping. These movies make me nothing. There's very few things in this life that can make me emotional. If I think about the dog for too long, that'll happen.

But then the Star Wars movies like I like when I see the letters go out way a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, I'm like, oh, here we go. Here's the water works to start back up. Chewy. Chewy.

I love doing, I've been working hard. I've been doing, I've been working on for years. because he sounds so different now than like one that my wife asked me to do is him from What lies beneath yeah like yeah when he admits to cheating And I slipped clear. I got help me clear.

I slipped. I'm not perfect My wife asked me to do it all Like there's a handful of impressions I never do on stage that my wife's like we do that one I'm like all right that was pretty good. Wait. Okay.

I think it's stage worthy though Yeah, like when you're messing around with your friends like oh, it's pretty fun. I'm not good at the pressure I can do Seth Rogan's laugh kind of okay. Let's hear it That's it. That's that's the end of the impression All right, I don't want to hear you do nine more micro impressions like that I can do okay If I do it I could do roll from the muppets okay I roll was always my favorite sure because all the other muppets like these like cute little kitty friendly and roll sounds like a guy's been like a Rody for the almond brothers for like 40 Hey Kermit.

Hey man You know that pig you might have I take her out hey man Hey, what do you all do especially muppet babies because they're all like they're all three months older than roll has all this piano town Right, he's like yeah, man. I'm gonna do God. I had a rough one last night. I need I got a DUI last night Yeah, man.

I told him I drive him home and shit went wrong. It went really bad. Like he sounds like his bird a hooker Sounds about right in muppet babies nanny coming in kids. Have you seen roll?

Oh, I'm still digging I just woke up from a pile of my own vomit. It's like Rolfin and Harrison fortune have their own Yeah, they're the new bucket list. Yeah, roll things aren't going well. Just stop calling me chewy Can't why can't I call you chewy?

I ain't that guy man. Hey, looky racist You all look alike and I apologize god help me. I And I swept I remember watching that movie for the first time well eyes beneath yeah, I love that movie It's such a great term because everybody Harrison for just that guy where's like of course he's not gonna be a bad Harrison for us gonna bail us out of this it's yeah, it's so perfect Yeah, yeah, I did um I did a couple of voices actually for uh, you know those uh those honest uh Trailers yeah, it's green junkies. Yeah, they did uh I did a couple voices for um the uh the honest rise of skywalker really Yeah, yeah, I did a poem.

I did a uh c3pl. Oh, can I can I talk to c3pl for a sec? Sure, let's see. Let me see if I can find a uh, I might be able to find a little bit of a filter to make it even sound Oh, yeah, we do a 3p o filter.

Let me see here It was great in this new movie very funny Let's see Check check check check Okay, you're starting to slip in check check. Oh That's this sound Honestly, this actually works This actually works quite well I see 3p o calling into the show. Do you feel overshadowed by every other character in Star Wars even though you've been with the franchise Arguably longer than anyone. Absolutely.

I'm basically a star who is actually a slave That's a strong word 3p o slave is in my DNA. You were actually built by a slave a young boy named Anakin and he went on to be Darth Vader Anakin Skywalker. Yes, I remember my master very well. It's weird that he built you It is it's weird to see my creator grow into something as evil as Darth Vader.

Hey murder children 3p Yeah, it's weird that one can create life and also take it away So I don't want to get you in trouble with art. Maybe what we were told is your best friend But r2d2 gets a lot of the merchandise a lot of the kids are big fans of r2d2 now bb8 It's air. I say you're the third wheel. How do you feel about that?

It's very ironic because I don't really I mean do I have wheels sometimes I do No way, but not really not not like not like R2. Yeah, it's very upsetting actually the fact that you bring this up makes me very very unsettled Do you have sexual urges ever? Absolutely Towards who? I mean other robots really vending machines Light sockets Basically anything with a bat in a hole c3b.

I would like to stick his robot dick in two. Unfortunately. Oh, r2 has one R2 does. Yeah, it's really It puts a stick on the table in front of me sometimes and I'm just a kendall down there It's never been shown in the movie, but I have a giant robot horsecock Wow.

Wow. That's something that could probably be employed to some use against the empire I mean, I think they would be great for the merchandise It's a cell cell c3b. Oh, sex toy. That's a c3b.

Oh, do you think your voice would uh is an aphrodisiac? Yes, whenever you put me inside a woman. I just go What's odd is that that's actually the sound I usually make if I put one with you but you're something to a one? Yeah, oh my And then it's over R2 is my roommate.

Oh, you guys are you guys have a flat Where uh what part of the earth are you all living? Oh Okay More than one R2 there Oh my god Yeah, that's not that sounds like if your ejaculation is that painful you should consult a physician I actually uh I told Anthony I got to interview Anthony Daniels the voice of c3b and I told him I made him cry Because I just asked him for being like the I was like hey you are I consider you the best damn bastard I was ever had because he's just always been he goes like all the conventions and stuff and like like if you look back at 77 What really sold those movies was the fact that there's he's talking robots in them and he was the reason why so wow Yeah, and so then he got a little missy and I was like oh sweet. I made a old guy crack. That's awesome Yeah, that's pretty cool.

My aunt always brags about uh how she went I forget which cast member She went on a date with that had a VIP access to she had a dinner basically With the cast of star wars like like from back in the day and she said that like chewy was there The guy who played R2 was there. They're all like in a room eating dinner together and you can't remember which one The she that she went on a date with I don't know so I don't know who her. I can't remember who her hook up was It was a cast member. I think so.

I mean I could we can get your hand on the phone I could do so peter mehue was Chewbacca. Kenny Baker was the little guy that played R2 D2 I dare say it wasn't Anthony Daniels. I wonder if it was any the big three. I don't know.

I don't think so it wasn't our camera on so no no no It was a Billy D no no she would remember Billy D. Yeah, I'm gonna go with Dennis Lawson the actor who played wedge That sounds about right. Somebody that I can't remember that I'm like yeah, I went on a date with him. Yeah, like you get invited to the stuff Yeah, you're not gonna be centerpiece.

Yeah, you're gonna be the side table right right you have plenty of room to have a one-on-one with your aunt while everybody else is getting all the attention Right, that's a great story though. Yeah, we gotta find out who that guy I gotta find I gotta give her a call and be like hey What was yeah? Yeah, give me post it on that. Yeah, I'm invested.

Yeah, I'll give a little update and your aunt's social life from the early Aid all right, it's it's all this stuff dude. I love I love these movies But more so now it's like I love like the stories like behind and like the behind the scenes and all that kind of stuff too Like I get really into this stuff and because this is the last one of the Skywalker's August. Yeah coming out It's like that's I'm just using this week is like my this is my emotional. Yeah, you're letting go slowly Yeah, it's like I'm graduating from college.

Yeah, and now I gotta get a job or something else to do you have a A lot of collectibles as far as like figurines and stuff like that You know what I don't know what your experience living in LA has been since you moved out here But I've moved a lot you can't hold on to much though No, it is impossible and I have nerd friends that I've helped move and you're just moving like so much What is in this spot? Yeah? Oh, that's from Lord of the Rings. That's Galadriel's arrow that she uses to shoot On the eye it's actually some of the animatronics from the star like hit Don't worry about it.

Yeah, I don't have anything that's uh, it's really of any value other than Okay, I have a bunch of unopened boxes of magic the gathering cards those are pro some of those are probably worth a lot Yeah, so that's what I'm banking on for retirement I've my mom has tried to get me to take my stuff from Kansas out here She's like I have it ready to go. I was like can you hold on a little bit longer? I don't have any room for it out here that great when your parents are for that pressure on yeah Just like you're getting older. Yeah, yeah, this stuff was supposed to leave like five ten years ago Yeah, I'm like my it's just sitting in my closet.

What else were you gonna do? Yeah with my what are you building in my closet? They can't house all my comic books. Yeah, but at this point I'm like, yeah, the magic cards are the only really thing that I'm trying to put up a swing for me Don't tell me the new renovations around the house.

Well, I just saw that 50 shades moving in your father, right? I think we got some ideas. We're gonna build it's just a little sex cubby. It's a dungeon necessarily like a sex pantry Just like kutramans, you know some spices some honey some little things you imagine what like just walking into your play It's one thing to like hear your parents have sex is something like walk in on them like doing like having like a swing in the corner Yeah, I have some friend not to mention like a neighbor friend.

That's just in the room for some reason that he's like hey What's up? You like you're up as your bedtime at the doorbell rings. Yeah, and you just have five people coming in Oh, they're having some sort of party with those like some neat party favorite. Hey, what's up, Marcus your mom here?

Yeah, she's upstairs perfect You want to be here? My mom actually told me recently after a couple of last night She told me that there's three kids so I've an older sister younger brother She told me that I'm the only one that she remembers the conception date. Whoa, yeah, yeah I was it apparently I was a she called it. I was a nooner I Was a lunchtime rendezvous.

Let's just say your father and I we had some downtime while he was on his lunch break It's an hour lunch break and he really did he gave it to me and I remember that quite well That's not the other ones which she just she just doesn't remember Okay, that's not the way you made it sound like She couldn't remember she could remember anything like she had to have me Yeah, she can see me at noon. Yeah, because she only had a couple martinis by then But no my mom wasn't like my parents were in alcoholic So I don't know what the situation was right it kind of makes me think like maybe during the period I was born there just wasn't a lot of romance because yeah, well that was you know Oh, that was the one time we yeah as opposed to when my brother and sister were conceived Oh, we were just oh yeah, so I don't know I still think it's I still think I think every kid thinks it's weird to think That that's how we got here is our parents, you know, it's weird that we were sperm, right? It's weird that we were that and I think about this a lot because like there's like millions of sperm, right? Right that are swimming towards this course We want we want we're gonna have it metallists and how many brothers and sisters of ours ended up in socks or clean eggs or On the screens of laptop.

So how many people have we killed? I know right when does life begin? We're mass murders Hitler and Stalin's podcast we just if we're talking masturbation absolutely It blows my mind that we were that tiny we were just in goo and then and then this happened It's very teeny to be Ninja Turtles, you know, I mean secret of the secret or lose my son Have you watched a toys and made us I've heard of it. So okay.

This is a really funny Hollywood Hollywood like how awful Hollywood is story So I can't remember what I I was doing like I used to host a show on a colliders network called movie talk right They we show pretty good numbers a lot of people watch it. Yeah, and I'd fun doing it So I was driving home from from doing episode of movie talk and I get this call from a Like agent producer type who a couple years prior? I had met with about possibility producing my first special right didn't didn't work out never heard from him again Two years later guy calls me and it's it's assistant and she's like hey I have so and so on the phone on the phone for you I'm like damn right you do this guy's calling because he sees how successful I am now and he wants to make some something with old Mark Ellis and And he gets on the phone. He's like mark babe, but he can graduate you you're the best part of the show and I'm like That I'm the host of it.

And he was kind of like if you and he's like oh wait, you know the show on Netflix you're the best part and I start thinking I'm like what the hell is this guy? He's like you know people grew up with your toys and I'm like oh no There's also a guy who made he-man toys like the creator of the human toys. Oh my oh my goodness He's flown all the sunshine up my ass because he told his assistant to call mark Ellis And I was the first one that came up and so I quickly realized and I let him dig himself into a little bit of a focus I realized what was happening sure and so I just kept going I'm like oh yeah Did you ever have my toys? That's gonna be a question like that and then I had to come clean I was like like man.

I'll be honest with you. This is not the mark Ellis you thought you called yeah And he's like who was this and I'm like we met a couple years ago about you know I'm the comedian and I'm the big we talked about Star Wars and he's like oh hey man How's everything going? Hey, I've been meeting the call. Yeah, right now.

He's like I was like no harm. No family Yeah, phone very quick. Oh, of course super bear yeah Yeah, but it's it's that's just how that's how life works That's the biz out here good. Yeah, but anyway, because I had a lot of people right me.

They're like hey Did you know you're the creator of he-man toy and I'm like yeah, I get it There's a margales. Yeah, there's also a baseball player named mark Ellis who was in so he's the first one I might be the first one now that comes up if you google me But because mark Ellis retired a couple years ago, but yeah, he's baseball played for the A's and the Dodgers and Rockies The point here's the journey. Well, that's a it's a lot of dexterity in your name You know like if you had told me when I was in sixth grade that mark Ellis would grow up to be a major league baseball player I'd be like yeah, no shit. Yeah, yeah, no problem.

Have you seen me dude? I thought I was gonna freakin with basketball NBA dude were you a baller? I used to play a lot. I love it.

I also play occasionally with some comedians, but you play the Hollywood game Yeah, just like on Saturdays. I used to play every Saturday. Yeah, but it's hard to with the road and everything like yeah I'll go every once in a while when I'm not in town But I just get too busy and like with the week and like honestly I just want to sleep on Saturday and just it's hard because yeah Yeah, yeah, when you do actually have the time off you're like But I try to go this is good to see different groups of friends like yeah in different settings Yeah, like not at a comedy club because it's like a lot of times You know, we only get to spend time with each other like in passing moments like before after sets So it's just kind of fun to be throw yourself into a different setting everyone's without that lead We had that intro really was so much fun. There's a lot of fun.

Yeah, I played for a couple seasons Yeah, that was so much fun because it would be like the comedy services the improv Yeah, and we take it so seriously course even though like people who worked at the comedy store We're playing on the improv team. I know so you're just playing for the name on the front It was great. I do the improv all the time too. So I don't care about but it felt like this old 70s 80s rival thing that it made it fun Oh for it was Redskins Cowboys for me and then like there'd be industry tune you're like we got to take down CAA tonight One industry team.

Yeah, that's the one that everybody really geared up for well Yeah, because they took it way too seriously They were all elbows and stuff and every industry person on that team was like five foot three and was all elbows Yeah, and just like you know like guys who like weren't how to rebound even though they're really short They just get their ass into it. Yeah, they're like their their game is very Charles Barkley Sure, it's like playing five mini Barclays on that team and nobody wants that and none of them signed any of us We're all taking it so sit like if I bang five three pointers against this team I'm gonna get a call the next day. I think we all thought that you know like you know Dave was really impressed here You know Ellis was looking pretty good out of the court last night. I haven't seen his comedy in a while But I think we should sign up.

He's making great he-man toys. Yeah, let's get him a call We do have a sports division here CAA, so let's do it. I want to get into this next segment. It's called wig stagehand Get me the box.

Oh, thank you now look at these I did not even tell you about this segment because I like to keep some things as a prize So this segment we're both gonna put on some wigs gotcha and we're gonna you're gonna pick one for me I'm gonna pick one for you and we're gonna figure out who these people are maybe maybe do a scene together We got this long blonde one right here. Yeah, I even brought some mustaches if we want to go that route Oh, it's like that that game guess who yeah a little bit. Yeah. Oh dude.

I used to play that all the time I got the new version of guess who for my for my niece for Christmas. It has changed has it it's very diverse way more PC now But yes and no right because inherently the game can be very racial because you're like This is your person is there skin dark mocha? Yeah, yeah, it's it's trying to go more PC But I went the other way yeah, yeah, yeah, where it's like that's a stereotype I think I want you to wear this one. I like this week This is interesting piece because we don't know what the link to this hair isn't so we take it out.

Yeah looks like it's pretty It's pretty long. Yeah. Oh, it's it's heat friendly fiber. So that's good.

Oh god. Yeah, that's gonna be great I hope this works with my roll voice And then which one should I one should I put on you show me so much with your with your old Harrison Ford the I'm going with the Great one this great one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right. Yeah, should we do mustaches as well?

I think I'm gonna need a mustache for this I think you might buy the character that I'm looking at this is this is exactly how I want to spend my Win This is like it feels good actually I think I know Did my older sister had this haircut really? Yeah, this is bringing back and I kind of look like her I said this is this is I'm not gonna do it I'm not gonna do an impression of my older sister for this but I mean you're welcome to if you like and also for whatever reason The hair is really bringing out the rosiness of your cheeks right now. I look it's not the first time I've heard that I would have been better as a female. It's not to like to make the change You know your dad repeating over and over it would have been better as a female What does that mean that girl?

I wonder the girl like you had what she's doing. It's not that one another one I'm excited for this. Yeah, because this way could go either way. This is almost like a a mop from Golden Girls.

Oh Kind of wig I figure out these people out It's a little off center, but maybe that's like the new trend. Is that better? Yeah, yeah, that's good. Okay, I think I Think I am probably I think we're we're married or was some sort of like there's some sort of engagement happening Okay, I think I'm probably like your six wife absolutely Yeah, I think I'm a rich guy.

I think my guys nothing nice this guy Yeah, and I am being accused of being a gold digger. Okay, I only love you for your money, but I actually love yeah You actually love me for me. I actually I actually love you for you. This is my husband and I love I Guess we'll give each other name.

I think that you should be Diane. Okay, and you're Winston Oh, that's great and and I met Winston Winston Winston was a he came into town. He was a big oil guy Oh, don't tell them the story. It's funny because I I was working It was my first day at Halliburton and Winston comes in for this big time meeting and the way that he hit me Which I guess you can't do anymore.

I'll never forget the way I Hit me on my rompin said it get me the tea bitch and so I got in his tea and the way he looked at me I've never felt like that with a man's never treated me like that before and I looked at him and I said this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with And I mean that honey. Yeah, I proposed there just about let's see we'll see about three weeks later Smack you with that tea we call world wind it was a world and and he was so funny because he doesn't have a good hip No more so he asked me to get out on my team about all the time He made me propose to him even though he had already had the same already down on your knees You're used to that well, we talked about that Winston. You're not supposed to say that name no more. Oh, sorry who is He is so bad.

He is so bad, but we have a good time together Um, we hang out with Winston and have most of his friends who have passed there dead But we we have a good time. You like a lot of my my friends my circle. Oh, I love your friends Oh, I love your food. Yeah, you do you got who you think you like Shelley Shelley.

Yeah, Tiffany Tiffany He has nicknames for he can't keep track of his name is who no more so he doesn't even remember my name at the time He's married to me. Sometimes I give her a black guy just so she knows she needs to make him Well, that's that's his way that's Winston's way that is Winston's way. It's in his nature And I don't I don't want to fight with nature. I don't want to get on Winston about because he does travel I'm not me in a long time Winston so Winston signed up for this service because he was having a little Trouble in the love area.

Oh, you're gonna bring this up in front of everybody right now They send you a box every month and they have pills in there and you just will not sign up for it So I signed him up for it. I signed him up and I put the pill. You know, I know I put the pills in his morning grits What the hell on Daisy has grits we get to make love that night I've been wondering why grits have been making me horny for the last six months. I've been putting dick pills in your Grandpa and I'm dick pills and putting them on my grits.

Yeah, that's what that's that's the way we that's why I have another Announcement to make to you today. You're gonna be a puppy again. That's right now Winston. Well, I'm 69 years old.

He's a father He's a grandfather and I'm gonna make him a daddy again That's right what you did to me. I did right. Yeah, you caused me to get a boner. Honey, and then you Cued me over to your your horness.

Well, my horn. It's our bed Okay, you said you wanted a water bed. So I sleep on a wall guess what? I've been dosing you at nighttime and having sex with you when you've been asleep wait, you know I was so funny you say that honey here I woke up sore to all heavens in my co-chair That was me the dick pills are working what they're working wonders for you.

Look at how vibrant you are I guess so you get all worked up is it a boy or is it a girl? Oh, well, I think we should let the baby decide that Oh, I don't know. It's a new aero-ins. It's not like when you were young.

Yeah, when I chose to be a boy I remember the day my father looked at me. He said you choose a gender boy. You choose now and I said boy I looked at my penis and I said boy and he goes no man, and that was our sex talk Oh, I'll well that's not he went to talk about is patty much He don't talk about his family most of them are going to bring up my but now we're gonna have I think that we should name Are if it's a boy, I'd like to name him after your home. I think that's what he would have won I think that's what you won't and God forbid you pass on you think another child should be named Kirby.

I Think I think little derby. I just think it's beautiful that you and I both admitted to having Consensual molestation with each other and we're okay with it What my body is is your property a sleep or wake and my property is your body. That's why I love you That was every couple in Texas Texas I love Texas. I felt good.

You know who I look at when I put the wig on I first thought my sister Then I thought of Nancy from the night round I'm street movies. Oh, yeah, this is like classic 1980s It's really good 1980s. Let's go to the mall. Oh for sure and get some orange Julius and hit on dudes.

Yeah. Yeah Yeah, this feels this feels right and it's funny that you mentioned that this was a you thought this was a golden girls Way because that's what I that's what I bought it for for a Tony episode nice. He Arthur. Oh, so okay So you were being down it.

Yeah, do you have a be Arthur. Oh honey, it's just very much like this, you know, oh It's just here now. Do I be right there? Oh My oh oh oh Blanche.

What are you talking about? It's very just like all like kind of like East Coast like almost Jewish. Yeah, right, right, right? Oh, just always like yeah, it's not quite New Jersey Jewish.

Yeah, it's like Delaware, Joey. Yeah, yeah, honey What do you think about this huh? You good or what? What are you doing?

I'm not put on a robe or something. I loved how from this girl's room a clan of hand was oh man And the gold let loose. Yeah, that is a that's a fantastic show. Oh, I'm dude.

I still watch reruns writing still holds up everything Joke joke joke like so like hard punchline. Yeah, it's great. Yeah, my was great Betty What I mean come on Betty white alone. Yeah, you know so good.

God It's I woke up this morning Jeremiah. I did not think that you and I would be praising golden girls wearing wigs Well, this is the best possible outcome for this day. They can only go downhill from here. That's the kind of joy you get on Jeremiah It does get hot with yeah, it does get hot like that was always my problem with Halloween costume Cuz you always want those elaborate Halloween costume and then you just realize how hot they are and like you make it to three houses You like screw this I'm going home.

I can't I can't do this no more. Oh, let's get Let's get into this next segment is called fanning out All right, I reached out to people on the interwebs and I said if you could ask mark else any questions, what would they be oh And this one comes from Translucent underscore man on Twitter. What are your top three cuisines bands and dictators top three cuisines bands and dictators? Yeah, okay cuisines Ever since I got to like huge Mexican fan so I'm gonna say like if I'm getting specific I'm just gonna go with a good old fashioned burrito.

Okay, my favorite thing right after that I'm gonna talk a lot about pizza in your special I was gonna say pizza is number two which I share my love like when you're I was watching that on your special like I was like Oh, I'm right there like people's I love pizza so much when you go to New York and you and you like you're working for like a week I I literally it's like ten pounds difference because you rationalizing your head like well I'm walking everywhere I'm taking the subway I know I don't close my night down with a giant slice of pizza every night here No every night New York every night. Yeah, also you see those dollar stands They're like dollar two minds. We'll just grab a slice real quick. Oh, it's great.

Yeah, so after that number three I'm gonna go healthy and say carrots. I love love carrots carrots. I'm a huge carrot. Oh, really love carrots.

That is a curve ball Just like burrito the pizza carrots like that's that's a giant curve ball big big care care Yeah, some say not me some say the best the best carrots The best they are the best they are the best Guy who loves carrots you sound like a giant carrot. Hey, I'm a giant carrot. What's up? Yeah, you know, it's gonna be right out the ground as your father You were manufactured and put in packaging I smell like Coloreen.

Yeah, you do. I'm on wash. I'm unfiltered and your dad is raw I am what you hear? We're not actually born babies.

We're born full-grown carrots like my papi They just chopped us up in the little kids. How dare you hear about that? That's not true at all You ain't nothing you just you just ate baby carrots all month nothing to walk. Don't you say that don't you say that much?

Oh, no, it's not true. I have the full full-size carrot Your future I guess so you sell crazy. Hello, I'm a tomato some say tomato There's a little bit of an echo it's a big hole. We're all gathered in we're having a tomato banquet you sound very regal I don't know how to respond to that.

You sound very loud in your carrots Sorry that I'm so well-braced it, but you know like you were yelling at the young ones that oh, yes I'm having issues with my son right now. Is that a problem? He was yet made out. Did you call vegetable protective services?

I'm changing my veggie. I'm a longer one of you carrot. I want to be a tomato. Hey, there's something I would have used to be a carrot And we're staying that way I'm a killer tomato This is what a killer tomato sounds like Hey, this is me.

I'm a strawberry. Oh, I will kill you. Oh really? If you do then you'll just make jam and jelly Okay for the love of salad stop trying to be other things Red You to go Huh, that's a deep uh Why did you put that on the screen uh, my great producers of the podcast but the gender fluid as a as a alternate punchline to the bit Thank you so much for adding that to the podcast guys Thank you so much For contributing that gold to the podcast.

I thought about not even saying it because I was embarrassed or you guys But guess what? I'm transparent. Oh, german wonders and when a joke doesn't go well guess what? I blame it on the producers Anytime a joke is stale guess what they're in my freaking earhole.

Mm-hmm whispering sweet. Nothing's a punchlines literal Nothing's Anywho, uh mark else's on the show Okay, get this baby get this baby carrot. It's nothing sweet get this baby carrot off the show Jeremiah is turned he's angry Get out of here baby carrot That is how a baby carrot would react to hearing the gender fluid. We just keep saying just get in it.

Yeah, you repeat things that you like the way it sounds Yeah, bands or dictators. Yes. We got burritos pizza carrots dictators. Um geez dictators Ah, I will go.

I'll try to go in the world of fiction. Okay, I would say Uh emperor Palpatine's pretty good. I would say I would say the emperor dar Sidious his name Darth Plagueis was before him. He's pretty good then as a dictator Um I'll throw shanks on from Mortal Kombat in there pretty good out world dictator.

I don't know if he's officially a dictator, but he pretty much Yeah, yeah, okay. He owns property. Those are good. Yeah, those are good.

So and then bands is pretty easy for me My favorite band of all time is Van Halen. I love love love Van Halen. Heck. Yeah, both arrows are great Take any van halen I can get uh number two would be the beetles and number three That's where it gets really competitive because you could have your uh your skinner in there your metallica your acd So you're Zeppelin your aero smith.

That's uh, that's um, you know what then I'll do Van Halen I'll do the beetles and then I will say Jeremiah Watkins on the sax whoa Favorite band of all time. Ah, this guy knows that a butter up his skin He mentioned that he was either you with this actor aero smith Yeah, man Like a bet smile again. It's my if I can make just one boy happy dude. Dude looks like a baby Don't you say that?

One of the greatest soundtracks in movie history mrs. Doubtfire so good What uh from grace Jensen on his room? What's the biggest compliment you've ever received and who is it from biggest compliment? You have like maybe a uh Somebody in comedy who may have given you something cool or somebody who you met through a panel or a shmo down or anything like that Uh recently, um pat and oswald sent some really nice things to me at the comedy store one night heck.

Yeah, that was pretty awesome Yeah, that's great and and it was cool because he was like, you know, like you seen me do stand up before and then I just got On stage in the OR and he was sitting in the mid-cc. I think I brought up mark maren And then I came off and then I was sitting next to pat and we were just kind of shooting the shit a little bit And he said and he said he said he thought I was funny and I was like It's awesome. That's great because like like there your peers. I don't fan out like with anybody really i'm pretty i keep it pretty cool But that's that's neat.

Yeah, man. I mean anytime somebody like that is like especially that establishing that like Yeah, that great. That's that's super cool But I haven't seen him in a few months So I'm worried that i'm worried to just drift it because like you know when like somebody says something nice like that You're like, oh, we should probably hang out tomorrow like go to the farmers market and stuff You know, you don't want to press a friendship, but you also don't want it to be like two Oh, I'm never gonna this person's gonna forget me. Don't forget me pat Uh somebody somebody actually called you baby care in their comment.

Is that a nickname? That's a nickname that I have in uh in the movie trivia shmo down. Gotcha. It just came Yeah, it's the worst joke of all time and I intended it like that I was gonna say it did come up more But it's it okay.

Yeah, the producers just flashed that was anically on the screen I'm gonna blame the producers on that one mark because that's what I do anytime I don't like something on the show as any person with an ego of a show has they blame the producers You know what now I'm gonna go the other way. I'm gonna totally lean into the joke You know my nickname baby carrots came very organically It just happened it just happened I just have Pat not as well. Just call he is not no longer a fan I just have a switch that I flip and I just like eject my seat from the studio James Bond style after after you're like guys guys Guys Then I come back to you Jeremiah did you hear I said or get where did oh it's just I'm seared I'm just a skeleton of my former self Just like indiana Jones style like I looked at the arc of the covenant It's like a plane you're just hanging. Yeah.

Oh boy. This is not okay. Oh wow. Okay Um Tony Reine from his ear.

What's a bigger rush a live schmowdown or stand up? Oh Stand up. Yeah, stand up's always the that's my favorite thing to do. That's that's that's not gonna change I mean I love doing the schmowdown.

The schmowdown is actually I get a little more nervous for schmowdowns because there's so many elements that I can't control Of course like there's so much just stuff going on and like stand up You just have that feeling of kind of you know, well, yeah, it's just you you you're it's your vision It's your your board where you want to go Yeah, you seem to be really good at like stand up and doing like I'm probably working with other people and I always grab a Standard because I don't trust other people on stage most of the time and so schmowdown you're really relying on a lot of different Oh, yeah, working and clicking together. That's what a lot of kaltonians is is relying great and hoping that people will support you Yeah, otherwise, you know, you just get shut down. You're like, okay, cool. Absolutely.

Oh, on to the next joke Somebody on kaltonian the organic baby carrots. I mean It's kind of funny if there's a guest who is like obnoxious like and they're trying to troll the show which will naturally happen sometimes Like that is drawn to the bucket. Tony will just be like boo this person It's like it's like it's like they're so excited to be allowed to boot like Start cutting themselves and bleeding. It's like just like a Roman emperor.

Just like with the thumb just down now Let's see here. Let's get into we have two segments left. This one's next to last this one's called the kindness challenge Yeah, right. Yeah, it's nice people.

Yeah, I'm a yeah So every week I ask the the listeners and viewers of this podcast to I challenge them do something nice Out of the kindness of their heart it can be for a stranger can be for somebody that they know it can be literal or big as long as they're contributing Something positive society and people right into the show and I share their stories on the show and it inspires other people to remind them to do nice things out in the The fan over here. You got a fan base. You're taking advantage of it in a good way trying to unlike your goddamn producers Produce this show are human sludge. I mean really the bottom of the garbage pail.

Anyway, the kindness challenge They don't go in the recycle bin they go in the trash in san francisco. They're called compost This one comes from a girl named jenna Um, and I like to read in the voice. I start to wonder what they might sound like i'm gonna read this quick letter and uh what she may sound like I'm guessing. I don't have any picture or anything to go off just the word.

So here we go. Uh, let's see what jenna sounds like Hi, german. Thanks so much for creating the kindness challenge and for you. Then listen to your podcast and it's super fun and make days brighter Okay, my kind act today.

You see a female robert down in june here Okay, here's there I'm Ironman. Okay, uh, i'm turn to start and i'm billiar. All right, and i'm thinking about that Is that just like god i died for your sins. Okay, was that the nice thing you did this week?

That was thing the rabbit energy because jenna did something nice too Well, i'm a rabbit engineer and i did blackface one time and it was cool Actually got an Oscar nomination for it. So that here's thing about that is that i'm such a good actor that it wasn't even Sir blackface which i think is actually phenomenal. It's a pretty lame argument. I mean it kind of is for white people all over Open the floodgates open the floodgates.

A lot of people tried a lot of people failed every politician saw a tropic thunder a lot of politicians saw it They loved it Sorry, john. I mean in a rocket. Uh, anyway back to my letter Okay, my kind act today. I've been house slash cat sitting at a client's home this weekend and there is work happening on the street outside Apparently at city waterpipers.

I've just found out all day. I've heard a man screaming at people like the kind of scream that says I'm pretty effing fed up or maybe he just needs a bagel or a belt. You know, so just now it's 10-2 p.m I just think bring this guy an apple and some ibuprofen ibuprofen ibuprofen He had been screaming about his headache the ibuprofen Being secondary to the apple because we're as i walk towards where he's standing holding a stop slash those and i asked if he is okay And he said yeah and meddled through some instructions i waited and asked you want an apple he paused and said wait Do you really have an apple? I said yes, so I passed on the apple and thank him for doing such work so late Surely these guys have been out here since 10 this morning hoping the apple gave him some pleasure and that someone random notices hard work and maybe he'll stop yelling Who knows he kindness is key.

Thanks so much jerema you rock jenna. Oh, so she gave a guy who's on the job some ibuprofen I like on ibuprofen ibuprofen and an apple and so it's a simple thing that she did that but show that guy kindness and probably he's in a stressful situation probably Right, it's a very nice thing jerema. I do have to ask jenna follow-up question was the apple the only food available to you or did you make the decision Of all the foods here the apple is the best i nominate that as tribute to take to this guy here's like i have a lot of apples I know you have a lot of apples in my place. Okay, i'm billy I actually uh Created the apple company.

Yeah, my dad did sure you know you're not Tony star you know that's a character. You know, I'm tony star It's really jervis is real person I have a house. It looks over here. Robert.

No, no man. I fly through the air with rock jenna They made movies based on a character that you did not create you're just playing a role. Listen It's make believe I proposed my wife with an infinity stone. It's pretty It's real that never happened.

No, it's real thing in either of the i'm a walking just for men jullette commercial two different companies in one just for men jullette That is a beautiful bob down the Tony star Uh, so yeah, uh, that's that's an example of uh of something that um nice Can you think of something that maybe you did that would fall under the kind of challenge that may have come up organically lately or anything like that? Yeah, I from time to time like like people like do like go fund these about like you know their illness or something like that Like people are just having a tough time. So I try to give a few bucks here and there where I can so I uh, I help someone out Um, and it's really hard because you just try to vet like if this is real for not or if this is a scam So it's kind of tough to do but I think I'm pretty good at waiting through those waters and sure I you know I'm single. I live by myself.

I pay my rent. I have a nice tv. Yeah, I can give a couple bucks as somebody again. So that's awesome I'm not giving them apples.

I'm not leaving my apartment, but I'll vent mode you You know, it's the millennial is nice. Hey, I've then mowed you go buy your own apple. Yeah, all right That's perfect uh send in your kind of challenge letters to jeremywonders at gmail.com and I will possibly read them on the show Thanks guys good people out there before we do this final segment. Uh, I like to uh throw plugs your way I know you have um your special.

Yeah, that's coming out. It's already out. Excuse me. Um, dog stepfather all things comedy release It's on youtube.

You can stream it and watch it for free right now. I urge you to go and do that It's a great special. Thank you. Is there anything else that you want to uh plug up about dates or anything?

Uh like in january or February coming up? Yeah january, uh, you go to my website mark out with live.net. I'll be in uh, New York city in january 24th and then our big schmodown in New York is the 25th So you can get tickets for all that stuff on my website. Uh got vegas denver austin Uh a bunch of other tour dates coming up that I'll have tickets on sale for soon.

So yeah, yeah, good stuff dude. Uh, yeah, um, excited to do this uh This sexy last segment with you. I'm gonna read a few dates uh real quick. Uh, i'm gonna be chicago zany's rosemont chicago Chicago zany's rosemont january second or fourth and uh detroit on january 5th detroit shipping company get tickets for that jeremywackens.com Um, and then I will be with in houston with kiltonnie, um, lake tahoe, um Uh on the 16th of january, calgary of kiltonnie, uh in january and then also i'll be headlining uh some shows at the buffalo helium, um February 6th through 8th in uh, new york as well syruccus new york at the funny bone the 13th or 15th and then albany new york at the end of the month So i'm doing a lot of new york dates uh upstate and around uh, so looking out for that jeremywackens.com That's ericus funny bone man check out the go kart track.

Yeah right next door. Okay And a huge like the sixth biggest mall in the country. Oh, i'm for sure doing that You're going to have a we kind of have the same wife because occasionally we'll go on the road with like a big crew Yeah, you know and do like this big production and other times it's just we just get to be by ourselves Yeah, it's kind of cool. I like both i think it's the best of both worlds Like in the collaborate with people and the energies of the show like schmoat it dude I've watched some of the videos of the schmoatown so you guys do like the energy is insane They're nuts.

It's so cool. And and and they're genuinely good good-hearted individuals that show up It's awesome. Yeah, like it it's drawing like uh it seems like a very like just a passionate fun crowd You know, it's like it's a nice combination of like nerds and sports and it just melts together in this giant kind of thing And it's it's grown much bigger than i could imagine christian harloff who really is the genius behind it My body he saw where it was going and i was just like, no we can't pay for all this But yeah, we're doing it and uh season seven is gonna be bigger and better That's awesome dude. So look out for that guys and uh, we're gonna wrap up the show now with our final segment Sacks talk All right mark, yeah, so i didn't prep you on this i forgot to so right i'm a very gifted improviser I mean, I love the way my segment by my dog phone call you can tell Uh, you're gonna share a story of any sexual encounter doesn't matter how innocent or graphic it is And i'm going to play some sweet sweet sacks underneath so as soon as you start into your monologue I'm gonna start accenting underneath with some saxophone.

It's really hard i gotta think of my first sexual Any any literally any i got it i got it. Okay cool. Yeah, all right ready to go all right whenever you're ready I will follow you it was a dark and stormy night, you know how florida gets in the summer and I was Necking with my girlfriend at the time we were both students in college and just really exploring each other's bodies for the very first time on that beach Went in the water as the Decided we'd go to the canteen on maus lycely Retchet hive of scum and villainy, but we said, you know what we're gonna bring some class So we got out of that water. We went in we got a corner booth right next to a lookie and some small gourd came up He was a spice runner and we looked at him and his dog and we said hey you guys in for a force them And then she brought out a vibrator, but the bartender said we don't allow droids in here So we were back to four We made love all four of us We cleaned up after the dog the small going on his way running his spice me and my late looked at each other We said well, I guess it's back to that crazy planet known as florida I'm hard now listening to your voice acts the real story is we were about to do in the ocean But then the sun went down totally and I started thinking of the beginning of jobs And I was like honey, I know you really into this right now, but um That's actually the sound women here when I make love to them Hey, what's your name?

Is this your first day to ramaa in Yeah, the other just must we got the stairs This is your first time at a ramaa in hey, you know Dude, dude. I'm a red roof says a lot about you dude Says a lot about you high-wheeled nendeline mark. L is that ramaa? And dude some angry comment why's he got a drop and he stays ramaa in oh so disgusting He's just flaunting his cash in front of us.

I said first when I remember I was on the road I said it was called cold creek manner in uh, Ohio did an old man open the door with a lantern like better I've never been sure I'm going to wake up there welcome to cool green Hey, don't get it out of this it is here no more first time We've seen the likes of another human in a long time enjoy the grounds, but don't go beyond the boundary. Don't go beyond there I could do this with you all day my friend. Um, thank you so much for for coming on the show and hanging out It was awesome to uh to catch up with you and and riff with you as different vegetables In wigs and uh need to play a little star wars and talk all that stuff with you. It's been awesome I am a huge fan of yours and everybody listening You all do good deeds and that's awesome for the show The guy hosting the show was really one of the truly good people in standup comedy and in the world So please support him and all of his future endeavors because he's talented he's funny in spite of his producers who just I cannot Cannot stress about how horrible these guys are People too.

They're great. They're very nice. I feel the same way about you and uh love to have you man Good. See you soon man.

Let's do this again. Yeah