JW Ep 119 - Tim Dillon

out you I want to know how do I live without you do you know it's does anybody really know any other words of that song then that then those words right there probably not because it just goes how do I like it goes like really I don't know where it's at right now you know I'm I'm warming up welcome to Jeremiah wonders guys here in the studio still kicking still cranking out episodes I'm very excited to get into this episode today I want to knock out some requests and questions before we get into that from at Wyatt's mama underscore they want me to play dance monkey from tones and I on sacks we'll do that at some point in this episode people are liking the unprotected sack segment that's coming around as we start it last time and then going going under going under going under covers going under covers and going under covers another smash hit on this show I love going things to smash it when you know clearly they get like you know several thousand views on YouTube or something like that it's a freakin's growing dude it is growing it's exciting speaking is growing it is growing as we speak hey what's going on over here and then also I can't drink coffee anymore on Instagram can you try playing more thin lizzy songs I will play thin lizzy part of dancing in the moonlight by them there's a great little sack section on that and then you know what as Zelda hunk on Instagram he keeps almost every week keeps requesting Hawthorne Heights I think we're gonna have to do it today I don't know if I can do it maybe I get my buddy Darwin to cover it we'll see Darwin has a band that I guess he's been working on in his dad's basement for a while I'll see if I get Darwin to come by in this episode and then yeah there's some great some character suggestions and stuff like that that maybe I'll do right now this one comes from at catam me on Instagram it's a cabin fever riddled parent perfect um gage is going to play the child in the scene and I will play the parent and here we go hey buddy uh how's the video game's going pretty good just you know trying to get trying to get good trying to try and get my kdr better what does that mean kdr is it's like how many times you die and how many times you kill people I wish I was dead right now what nothing I love you um well just wrap up the video games and then uh then this time for bad okay okay can I can I make a TikTok dance no you can't make a TikTok video trying to tell you so if you'll wrap up with the video games real quick um I appreciate it and I love you maybe we can play catch inside tomorrow we can't catch inside tomorrow we can't come outside we can't stay inside it's okay it's okay it's okay Danny Danny Danny you love daddy don't you don't you love daddy my friends on call of duty are asking if you have a drinking problem well how about you tell your friends daddy doesn't have friends anymore daddy just takes care of you anyone to play call it dude what daddy has needs to daddy hasn't been broken off by mommy in over three weeks just because you little snots are running around asking for food asking for water asking for nourishment well guess what daddy needs to bust a nut okay Danny now they're calling you a simp what's a simp simp it simp means that you're that you do anything for a girl even if it means to lower your integrity as a man right guys yeah they said that's correct I guess I have a simp and scene and scene and scene simp dad simp dad do you have symptoms do you have that um here's a quick bit of unprotected sacks uh this is a silly one at must and jack asked me to be a jewish hamburger they probably um people are making a lot of nose comments because I put that in the video I put the shadow of my nose um this is slightly this is a racial thing um but uh this is uh they want me to do jewish hamburger I guess I'll do it real quick it's another bacon hamburger is it thank you um thank you so much all thank you um here we go uh at jazz jazz 1013 they asked me to do uh an actual rose I used to years ago I had an actual rose impression that was in my act for some reason it was even outdated eight years ago when I was doing it um but I have an okay actual rose um maybe I'll do the bit that I used to do on stages actual rose doing an ad for little caesars I'm gonna see if I can get this no yep what if I just kept doing that like like 90 times okay it's not quite that there we go there we go you can get a five dollar heart and ready the savings are so good I want to bring down and right now I'm all safe I had any time thank you that was an eight-year-old bit that I just dusted off for you guys here on jeremy wonders man this is not a great time to be alive the guy who tried this is uh this is a guy who uh is clearly having a breakdown as a motivational speaker um but uh he doesn't want to accept that his career is crumbling um because people don't need him anymore guys you know just think and wonder wow I've been gifted another day do you ever just sit in except like things are gonna be good you guys have a lot of time on your hands it's time be productive what am I saying not even productive outside of this 60 second video that I'm making I tell people every week to get inspired to get hashtag grind life hashtag get your grind on hashtag grinding hashtag be a saint and I'm not doing that outside 30 seconds that I'm contributing to my blog on instagram everything I cry myself in the shower as soon as I upload the clip can you ever just ask yourself what am I becoming who am I thank you that was that guy you may ask yourself what do I have to live for what's my purpose in life why do I keep going I ask myself this every day the answer is I'm not sure very excited for this next piece we got Tim Dillon in the house let's take a look I still think you got especially those comics you send and stuff from Italy whose parents and grandparents are dead you got to let them know they suck I mean you know I think I think that we're still letting that happen you gotta let him you gotta let him know I mean the world still needs to be balanced in some way you know what I mean people need to you know this will be a real restructuring of a lot of things and on the other side of this you know people are you know they'll kill Tony's gonna exist you know like that you guys have built a thing that's gonna last yeah it's just a matter of when it when everything comes back to normal I mean not back to normal but back to whatever you know I know yeah what's weird is like people are like you know when this quarantine ends you know things will kind of go back to normal and like for us the stand-ups I don't know how long-lasting the damage is gonna be because how quickly are people gonna be comfortable going back to a comedy club to sit next to people not till there's a vaccine not till there's a vaccine I mean the reality is we're looking at a year of this whatever this is you know no one's on a stage until you know 2021 probably really that's yeah that's reality I mean because you think about it you're like well what would change so you know do you think that my dates at the punchline next week are gonna get rescheduled yeah you know I don't know but I'm thinking yes you see a lot of comics you know like god bless them they still have dates of the summer and fall I get that I just don't know what would change between now and then without a vaccine or an antiviral drug that really we don't know anything about this fucking disease so we're not like close we're not like close to it's not like we figured it out we're like well we're just so close to it we don't even know what the fuck it is yeah every day there's like a new symptom they're like well today I read about this and called fizzing they're like if your body has electric pulses going through it that's also a symptom like what the fuck is going on what flew wasn't this a cold like they're like if you were bleeding from your eyes that could be corona like so no one knows what the fuck this is like it's great when doctors go on tv you know like we don't know we have no idea yeah no I diagnose this thing yeah it just kills indiscriminately they're like you walk in one day you're dead or you're not we don't know and it's almost like the doctors want to be like that's what makes our job fun it's that type of uncertainty that makes us fun you know first of all doctors and nurses are now the most important people in society which discuss exciting nurses I don't like doctors and I bought them lunch because it's a right so I never like medical professionals well doctors are becoming kind of the new weathermen because they're just being put on the news and just being like I think this is how it's kind of gonna work in the next week like it's like this weird forecasting of what the disease is they don't really have the models and models they're like well our current model disagrees with our other model but our projection is based on the model that we built it's like stop with the models tell me who's dead on the floor tell me what I can and can like I talk about the other night I've drilled my hands before and after but I'm like does anything matter that's a risk activity but I'm like how much of a risk is it I mean I don't know you know you always calculate the risks it's like I used a couple gift cards that were left in the bottom of my wallet from McDonald's and I went through McDonald's so I was craving you know it's the same kind of fruit that wasn't inside my house yeah like I just wanted that I did the drive-through thing and but yeah that's still like a should I done that you're from Kansas you're probably like immune to this you know you're barely alive as you know what I mean like your skin barely has anything I mean you are you are fine you're gonna be fine like no bad disease is gonna kill you're kind of like like straw gathering white man you know it's true worst case scenario I'm a carrier I give it to other people yeah not a big deal yeah it's gonna kill these garlic eating vampire day goes in New York City it's gonna kill these psoriasis crusted drunken Irish pigs it's gonna kill these jews uh these these coin collecting jews but what it will not kill and it's killing the blacks it is killing those blacks and it'll kill the spatics I totally gonna kill a white man like yourself a thin like just pale like middle american white man almost translucent at points when I walk into sunlight it's like is does he exist you wore that suit to sows wedding it was like this weird gray like you were like a character on the office I was like nothing I've ever seen I was like this guy will be here longer than any of us I'm like he's not going anywhere he is you are american dude when you were roasting your name charamott charamaya it's like a biblical name yeah he will outlast everyone on the salt of this earth all of us yeah the rest of that band will die it'll be you yeah I'm like the only person in the band on the titanic who's somehow like yeah Joel whatever's name is already dead he's staying away from his parents and probably rightfully so yeah right dude we're engaged when you were roasting me from the row behind me at sows wedding because it was a purple suit you called me a 50s vacuum cleaner salesman it was interesting man it was wild it wasn't unpleasant it was just oh crate it was like such an interesting guy because everybody there's like an evil fast-talking comedian demon and then you are of course the comedian very funny but you also you just had this innocence about you know the knowing that wedding did like everyone in the wedding was like this whatever and you were just like this is a beautiful moment and I was like I'm being a looking around yeah you're just such a good and sweet person that everybody is happy for you and good things happen for you and to me that is completely disgusting like that sweetness and earnestness about you and I hope that the pandemic does one thing it turns you into black-hearted monsters like we are I think that's why you and I get along so well as you and I are close to the coin you know what I mean yes yes you believe in your sweet boy and I will love that how is Tony Hinscliffe doing because he's also a demon's pal you know I try and call and check on him he's doing okay but yeah like a lot of us I feel like everybody's bombs world bombs world bomb in different ways and also the same way because you know dude we do a routine like we've all been doing it 10 years plus at this point where we're doing it every single night we get adrenaline and we get off on you know the serotonin that we get from the audience and like the energy and just being around people are walking and just drift out away immediately I think it's a little bit harder for other people not to discredit what other people are going through but I think we have a very unique case of what's going on because we have this credit right now I don't give a shit with first responders going through they would never funny and and they're not now yeah so these nurses and doctors first of all the level of privilege that they have to be able to go out and work right now while the rest of us are sitting at home is amazing like they should cherish that their industries are even busier than they were before yeah listen to these fucks and all they do is wine and beg for food send us lunch send us masks what do your job yeah discuss we love we love when we have a packed crowd to be able to work off of you know what I mean so so like oh the fact that more sick people are coming into your hospital and stuff right now yeah stop wanting maybe you're making them sicker with your attitude yeah how about you bring a little bit of positivity and bring a little chipper attitude to oh I'm excited to go through this massive sick people huh are you afraid of the actual virus I'm a little afraid of it I thought I've had it about 19 times and I didn't just as you know we all did we all thought we had it early March I think not about that well I thought that you actually had it because you were the one of the first comedians actually cancel shows yeah actually you were way ahead of the curve because you canceled some shows in New York and you yeah you had like someone on my throat I have very highly placed sources in the government I'm also a molecular biologist I'm a microbiologist I've worked for the CDC I am an epidemiologist I'm in science a lot of my friends are not smart I'm very smart I'm one of the smartest people in the world and I understand pathogens I understand the hemoglobin and the way that things bond to each other and a lot of people don't understand the RNA of the virus which I do the ribole nucleic acid and all the different biological I am really you know very smart and I'm a chemist and that is what I've realized in the last month I didn't know that before the last month I realized that I am a biologist when people call me they better get ready to shut the fuck up and get dressed down because they don't know what the fuck they're talking about but I do because I have an extensive background in molecular biology and I am a scientist and that's what I have to keep reminding people when they call me and go oh the virus was found on a crew 17-day dinner and I'm like no that's the RNA you ignorant piece of shit it's not the infectious material so there's a difference between infectious material and RNA and that's kind of why I called you because I sometimes need to be grounded and sometimes you know I need a reality check and I looked at my phone and I thought Tim Dillon you know I literally have the answer so any question about this virus from a scientific perspective I can answer okay so uh since you're an expert on this um what do you think about it going to a tiger recently what's happening right now when you see first of all there's such an overlap between systems a lot of what people don't understand right now is systems like systems are so important the immune system for example is this is virus this is viral there's virology involved and and it is funny this funny because you're scared you laugh no no it's a nervous reaction it's a natural thing that happens whenever nervous you know because you're a common man you're a common person and what you don't understand is what's saving you right now but I walk around every day with the with the burden of knowledge immune systems there's all kinds of coronaviruses all around there seasonal coronaviruses many of them are common cold this one COVID-19 is a respiratory flu similar to SARS and SARS was the very bad one from a while ago and that's why all the people in the other Asian countries did better with this because they remember SARS as like and and show and and you're saying a lot of those people still have it so they they built up their immune systems where they're like oh this is not well they also love masks engines love masks they love masks they're very cute as children and they grow up it's not great so they love the face mask the reality is that the tigers in the bronch suit when you see the way that they are not transmitting the coronavirus but they have the coronavirus because many of them like many of the tigers in the bronch suit had traveled have family other places they travel they take planes they're they're doing everything we're doing they're touching surfaces they're out they're going up in the ships and they get sick and now that they're sick we're focusing on how many animals have coronavirus there's a raccoon in my neighborhood that has a mask on and is and is a body by the rules but there's lots of raccoons that aren't so it's really the question is what animals are following the rules and what animals aren't because just like human beings they need to be held to account well for example when i was on a hike before ronyan canyon closed out here i saw an instagram model with a mask around her shitsu and i thought she is probably going to die first or other people are wishing it was run in it was a mistake closed run in it was a mistake to close places where people die naturally because people like she's gonna die falling off a close taking the selfie with the shitsu she's that's gonna be natural causes yes if we look at this in a realistic way we need to keep running open for people to go and have heart attacks and fall off cliffs and and and and and bludgeon their girlfriend we need areas like that show that there is less less people in the ER because when you die running you die alone and then you're eaten by wildlife yeah there's coyotes there's wolves there's labradors who are estranged and jews and jews and they'll come up and then eat you and that's so important to just keep the ERs open but it's true it's like how are we going to build herd immunity who do we sacrifice it's a good scientific question okay now if we were to sacrifice one group of people who do you think that it would be during these times you know elderly people with very big shoes you know like the diabetic shoes have you seen that or that works off you ever see a homeless guy with one big shoe i've seen i've seen that before yeah i've seen that guy first of all what is that second of all they gotta go that's what i mean and you know what tim like you said i'm a very positive guy but this is a very niche group and i might have to agree with you on this one i used to hang out in a bar called lisa's lounge in one island because for many years i was a degenerate alcoholic and cookay and addict i know it's shocking but there was this woman jennifer who lived in a mental institution and she used to come into the bar with these like diabetic boots on and just light herself up people like that gotta go even though she was fun that's who we test the vaccine on i mean you know every culture you know we've tested stuff on on rats in the past and mice and stuff like that who yeah basically what you're saying is the the guy with the iris shoe iris the iris should because whatever tragedy they endorse a result of the vaccine testing they will spin into beautiful poetry literature and soul yes but they're not the iris are not thinking people like the italian's their mongrel races so those are the races we experiment on whereas the wasps and the jews people like that they think they help run society but it's like looking into a quomo in new york even though he's doing a better job than trump he's a meatball and you can tell that a guy like that is just a lower person than someone else like you just so basically we need to assemble the mice of our society uh we need to get those homeless people with the big shoes like you're saying uh the iris people, Italian guys, they're telling guys that work in pool supply stores you know right right substitute teachers named rick you know like that are that like cool they think they're cool because they wear leather jacket yeah like your substitute earth science teacher and you know they're just trying to fuck the other hot female teachers um you know people named Cheryl should just go just out done out out people reality people who are into specifically only adult anime porn yes every family that's made a tick-tock with matching for job is needle in arm now gotta put the needle in arm now any family that practices this dance together while people are falling down dead and they're doing this in their living room throw them in the street needle in the ass let's see what happens i say the little in the gates they go to the third world and they just put a needle in anything over there bill and will indicate sit up and shit okay there's a lot of there's a lot of empty planes right now i say we get them all on a big plane and we drive them right into a volcano there's a bunch of you know covid isn't really that big in hawaii let's let's send some of the planes into the volcanoes of white don't you want to fly now kind of i kind of want to i definitely want to i definitely want to fly during fucking covid if i Brendan Shout is hooking up with this guy that has an antibody test now i don't know if it's a real antibody test or if they just took Brendan's temperature and charged the money but the point is and that's fine too like i can imagine that they just you know they just just show Brendan something like see how this color changes the color of the water it's just blue dye that goes into water yeah it's a chlorox bleach it's a chlorox bleach commercial they just take a poller or a tetra of them they shake it they're like see you came up yeah but if it comes out if it comes out that i have it i will fly the wall and beat it back because that'll be hilarious dude that is going to be the tik tok campaign that makes you go viral bro viral dude viral not semi-viral viral dude i just want to know that i had it i guarantee i probably didn't have it but dude how power would you see right now if you had it and beat it i mean i mean there's a couple comics who have had it now who are getting over it who michael yo i think paul vierzy uh uh homdynberg um yeah there's like a whole new handle they've all made that up the point is that there's a lot of comics making it up uh maybe not very easy but a lot of them are making it up and that's fine but look at their you know i uh just and very brave it's like we know celebrities are live comish and a lot of other line we always got to be skeptical of these people they're they're animals but uh i would do that i know that i hadn't beat it i would feel like a fucking just a fucking superhero oh dude i would be going dude i'd be going around coughing on elderly people being like i had it already don't worry just making out oh yeah i'd be pulling down mass and tonguing old ladies like you know yes yeah yeah really getting into it dude i'm telling you right now if i fucking had if i find out that i i'm going into the er at fucking cedars and just fucking like dancing like you bitches don't i'm making tick-tock right in the ice you know um but i just want to know and i probably didn't have it none of us probably i probably fucking fucked no did you take any walks uh like while this has been going on how do you walk around your neighborhood and like seeing any old people i live by i live by Beverly Hills no offense and i walk around the Beverly flats and i don't know if you know what that area is but it's the flat part of Beverly Hills um by Beverly Hills hotel where it's not you know up in the hills but it's the flats and homes yeah homes are average anywhere from from 10 to 30 million dollars and i walk around there because that's where a lot of my friends live and a lot of people that i know live because that's kind of where my social scene is is Beverly Hills i get that well i personally i don't get that i don't live that close and also like you said like in Kansas how would i even relate if i actually got invited to work and that's and that's okay and there's nothing wrong like everything's not for everyone you know that's true you know like you know different strokes for different folks you know i just know everyone in my neighborhood has a stash of hydroxychloroquine they have a ventilator they're ready to go they're ready to go in their fucking house yeah yeah i've been um uh with my wife uh been making our own versions of the mask you know because we can't afford like what rich people have like the you know like the true cool covid and stuff like that so yeah yeah definitely old bandanas and stuff like that we've been using and old yoga pants you know that that works as well yeah i just use a cat i i i i duck a cat around my face yeah and i just walk around i just walk around Beverly Hills with a cat cage my face and that's worked that's the closest tendale never got to eating pussy hello oh no no oh no do not for years dude isn't that funny just like dumb riff circles like like like those are that's like one of the jokes that like that nobody would hear like in a parking lot you know at the comedy store something of course what you should do after this you just start practicing assembling a sandwich you know turkey lettuce tomato may know you know start practicing how many sandwiches can i make right and i make them quickly yeah and there's nothing wrong with that because a lot of people we know are gonna have to probably get their jobs either masturbating on camera being a camera or boy you know i've you know i've thought about chatter bait already you know what i mean like which you know which is one of those things or you know there's only fans i guess you don't have to be sexual on my hands i don't even know only fans is what is it i don't even know what it is i think it's almost like a request line kind of like where people are messaging in on on video and so it's like it's like if we were going live on instagram but people were paying us to do weird things i think that's what it is interesting so people be like show me your feet like that's and then and then i think i think that's what that's like i think that's like the the much it's such it's really going to be essential for many of the people we know oh no those are going to be those are going to be the new essential workers at the end of this or those who are not kidding you're not kidding they're the new essentials i love that yeah yeah yeah yeah how's your cat's doing it's not really mine he lives in my friend Michelle's but i didn't have a lot i make content with him i mean he's a very rotten animal he's angry he used to go outside light in the sun i kick outside anymore the weather is very bad um you know they don't you know they don't let him out like he used to be able to just roam around the neighborhood but now he's like everyone's quarantined he's quarantined too yeah so he's not happy you know they're all they're all through in New York that family's in New York now which is crazy so they're in New York they must have just when did they go to New York recently well they split time between LA and New York and New York and New York you know her kids go to school there and she was in New York when this whole thing happened and she's been in her house for like 28 days straight oh oh New York it's rough man i feel really bad from New York you know me too dude it's rough it's like so funny he's like no one really cares about LA like when LA was on fire no one cared like we lived here we didn't care like we just drive by it's on fire like whatever but New York's like symbolic of that like when New York is up and running again you'll feel confident about America but until New York City is back in business it's going to be hard to feel confident about this country well it's such like i mean that's why 9-11 was such a big deal is because it's such a personal city to everybody it's like like that's a city that represents success in America and and literally like immigration coming to America and like starting a new chapter in your life and everything so when New York is in shambles it yeah everywhere kind of looks over there like oh i guess this is pretty bad right now yeah man it's just New York is a place that symbolizes to a lot of people like you know the fucking get up and go spirit of whatever this country you know means to people and it's like if there's no hustling bustling in New York then where's it happening yeah you know for sure it's not happening in Kansas you know it's not happening in no effect which no what's funny is they're taking it they leapfrogged in front of LA and they're taking it even more serious than LA now well i hope they are yeah like they shut down schools for like until the fall i think i mean that's very very smart you know and they and and you know that's it says a lot about them because i didn't know that they had schools so that to me is really we just got them recently like i like we had they shut down schools they said lerleen you tell these kids about Jesus in a field not in this field now back in my town we just had corn cob and charcoal for right and is on the wood gravens Kansas is taking it so seriously they've stopped lynchings it's like wow wow really on you know some people are really turning a leaf in all of this you ever do you ever are how your parents in this are they okay um mine okay so my mom works at UPS and my sister you're like they're dead actually oh get me out of this you can ask and what does your sister do she's a minor uh yeah she's a coal miner she works at a she's like a manager at a gas station so which is like a kind of like at a convenience store so yeah she's she literally i've been making her four thousand times i'm aware about a gas station uh convenience store yeah well she's a drug addict for the majority of my life i've been the gas stations so i love you like so we have this thing called a gas station and then we'll just store it's at so there's pumps outside where you usually put your your gas but then you have to go inside to a different place and you have to pay for it with money the problem is with i sister is she has to and this makes zero sense to me she they're saying that the technology isn't up to date yet where they can hit their keypads with gloves that it's heat sensitive and she's having to wear no gloves and take money from people and exchange money and it sounds like the most insane thing to me right now it isn't the same thing man how old is she uh she is 29 okay i mean she's younger you know that certainly helps it is it is fucking weird man that so many people are exposed to this thing over and over again you know um it's a fucking it's a horrible reality of like society that like some people are insulated from it some people are exposed to it and um you know you just hope that everybody is as careful as they can fucking be i think the distancing is helped like i think that's slow to spread of whatever the fuck this is down you know but it's like i keep telling my parents alone either the other way you know they're both older and i just keep telling them go out you know live your life you know don't let anyone stop you you know you know just make sure that the will which it will i'll get really very little but still make sure that's all in order yeah but do what you need to do you know go to the grocery store touch everything lick things just you know just basically do what you need to do because it's so important you only you know one you know every moment you're last so make go and make it your last yeah i think that's right uh to fountains around los angeles and scooping the change out and just kind of dark a little bit um it's so important to just show them yes yeah go but i mean i don't know man i'm hoping we won't make it out of this i think we will um i just want to take that antibody test find out that i had it so i can start really acting a fool i mean let me know dude i guess i'll know when i see that video on tiktok if you if you have that antibody test we should just go out and just start getting wised oh yeah like fucking why oh i'm just just dressing super skimpy just you know just bottling my gosh in a spray bottle yeah exactly what you're doing are you taking walks or you just kind of being in your house this week i've been a little bit worse about getting out of my place or better whatever your brain needs been gross yeah so i i did like i did a 15 minute yoga thing yesterday because my back's been hurting from sitting and typing so much um right uh yeah that's that's about it and i do i do push ups every day just to to get blood flow and you know and also so i don't you know get to whatever i do the rings i've never seen the rings from uh from the olympics and the genastics i have the right to do the rings i do the rings and i do i'll do uh yeah i do the rings okay it's a remarkable display of physical strength every day uh that i do i do the rings and i also will do on the horse i do the i do the you know i run up to it and i've all the hard stuff over it and uh so that's all i'm exercising i guess i didn't realize tim how big your place was in Beverly Hills so i'm very happy for you and happy for your success so that's awesome really it's you know what it is you couldn't even comprehend the life that i live and that's why i'm so secretive about it because if you saw even one hour of my life you and your wife like well honestly tim can i just say you definitely like Omaha stakes you definitely like you you were like like you're living this weird like little Warren Buffett life without the money where like you guys just eat like Salisbury steaks together like you're like Lord Jesus please help Jeremiah hit back on stage you can play a saxophone and like i guarantee you have like a meat and a potato and like a little vegetable you probably have like dope little Kansas dinners um let's just say we had uh Staufers frozen lasagna the other night and it was really good you guys are traditional people like you're not eating it with scala you're not like you wouldn't like you're not ordering you even know what sushi is i feel like you're eating like me a potato right what is right it's it's a type of porn um oh then i should stay away from that then but is it do you get just a wife cook you cook like seriously i feel like you eat traditional i could be totally wrong about this but i'm that serious now are you a traditional eater yes or no in some ways yes in other ways my wife has been cooking a lot more so she's been like trying new things what do you eat seafood do you eat fish and seafood i mean well okay we have we because we're treating ourselves we're okay okay this is real i'm very curious i know which this is something that i got to bring up the podcast which i appreciate our friendship is i can't i was like can you just sound like a frog and i'm like dude there's bodies burning in the street i love you i'll talk to you as long as you want but you're always like how about i be granted funberg and you be like and i'm like buddy there's bodies burning in the street i don't know who like we're gonna have to change a little bit about what we're doing and i appreciate that i know you do you're very creative i love being your house you're doing it with you it's you're fun to like over zoom or skype it's a weird move your character is big you you said and i quote can we just be human beings and have a conversation yeah because it's just you know what it is it's like it's and it's we're in biblical end times and Jeremiah's like what if you were a little fauci and you were a flavor flave clock and i was and i'm like how about we just talk because it's all over anyway uh okay so to get back to your question so we are we're treating ourselves to a meal next week where we're gonna have some shrimp alfredo so we we do some seafood occasional just to think about shrimp any alfredo is really it's interesting it's for white trash i mean it's almost as bad as turkey tetracy like shrimp alfredo uh i mean uh chicken alfredo god help us shrimp is a little more cosmopolitan we had spaghetti and meatballs the other week and it tastes real good okay i like that your wife hooked it off she knows how to make a meatball uh well we did we got the pre-made frozen meatballs but we did it where'd you go shopping where do you go shopping uh let's let's let's let's get into this let's get into this um let's get into this let's get um let me go shop in la i go shopping at rouse every time my wife sometimes goes to trick-treat or goes i'd say can i say god bless you yeah why go to bristle farms have you heard of bristle farms uh i'm aware of it but i don't go in there tim okay the last time i was in bristle farms i'm barely let me paint the scene for you me and taro the creator getting cereal in the same aisle we get out we both get in our bristle farms with wipes us down with lights we'll have everything our head our cock everything just wipes us down he gets in his he gets in his uh whatever truck rolls rice truck or whatever i get in my driver drives me my producer van drives me it's a toy i would have a lot i'm still being driven highlose driving i'm so higher um and you know and then i'm whisked home but it's interesting you go to rouse and trader jose it's like that's good that's good for you but i'm telling you right now you've got to try bristle have you already there it's very good i don't know if i've personally set foot in there before but i've heard of that it's nice i went to uh i was i was with josh out of my rzones and and he's like yeah we got we got to stop up here and uh we went into this is called air one do you know what that plays air one a lot of people like air one air is helpful bristle farms is for rich uh disgusting people like new money and garbage bags new money garbage bags okay yeah like let's let me get some camcrave legs and some chocolate syrup oh wow yeah as a bristle farms is about like yeah rouses here cliche yeah i go to rouse because i also bank inside rouse i'm that kind of a person who they're well spanking side route there's a wells Fargo built into it like a like a kentakko hut there's a wells Fargo that's inside it's inside the rouse yeah dude you know they're wells Fargo because they rip everyone off all as far as like listen we're putting one in rouse just fucking hit these people over the head they're already in a rouse they'll take anything yeah lines of credit whatever qualifying they will sign you over their house while they're picking out corn pops with their fat diabetes children rouse wells Fargo and rouse what a horror do you know what's your bristle farms Goldman Sachs they have an investment booth of Goldman Sachs and bristle farm yes that's see that we're living different lives Tim that we're just living on different like ends of the spectrum you know what i mean this shirt is polo this is this is a t-shirt that is a chris Farley t-shirt of course it has some silk screen piece of shit t-shirt you got it some comedy i got it in venice beach i'm doing the hot plains uh kentucky comedy contest film but jamai i do love you i do miss you man it is a shitty time we're in a shitty time yeah i miss you too i mean dude it's literally they're gonna get better also i what something that i'll admit is as comedians we're very spoiled that we get to that we did get to interact with our friends and see literally the funniest people in the world almost every night of the week when we're not on the road i don't really agree with that i think most of us have you ever met a black woman over 40 they're the funniest and i'll tell you why i was in a bathroom once and i almost slipped and i said i almost died and some black like a tended woman who was just like sweeping it you're like don't worry baby somebody bury us great great you know i mean that note they're the top they're the best but no you're right we think it's everyone and then it just shut off immediately immediate so yeah still in the withdrawal state right now i know i don't know man i i think it's gonna be interesting to see what happens yeah thank you so much for thank you i was just spinning okay perfect it's all good uh dude thank i thank you uh for your time today buddy i really appreciate thanks for not making dress up like gummy dude no i honestly i always appreciate transparency with most people on your show most people on your show you're gonna need to have them do a character you need to have them do anyone but themselves but i i come on and i inspire people to live a really life of beauty and and comfort and wealth it's true i mean you've inspired me like i want to i need to get my life around to the where i can be going to Bristol farms you know what i mean like that's a new motivation it's not much more expensive than a rouse you need to just believe in something your guide that likes routines you like habits and routines here from Kansas you need to break out of that and start to understand where does hinge clip shop he's a weird man because he food it does he just eat like packets of yeah what a guy like that shop i don't i think he gets a lot of his stuff at the farmers market and stuff like that you know okay those people or probably i like super much i love the suburb he's probably a whole food guy yeah i'm a long island trash guy i like a supermarket and i love a suburb i love a big supermarket in the suburb i like people dying to heroin i like people cheating on their wives i like fucking corporate fraud that's what i'm about i couldn't put it any better yeah yes thank you for having me love you dude thanks for doing it love you too thanks brother here's another piece of unprotected sex coming at you i worry about a lot of people that are quarantining right now but one person i actually don't worry about or maybe i should be worried about even more is my pal Darwin he's always kind of down so i don't know if he's liking this quarantine or if he's reacting violently to it but i think he's gonna come in with his band and maybe do some songs so Darwin how you doing pal what's up um this is Darwin's void um sorry um this is my only friend well he's not really my friend he's a session drummer that i paid three hundred dollars to be here anyway uh gonna play you some songs and stuff uh because i'm in quarantine right now and this is the only way i can get my jolly's you're not you don't have to do the drums anyway my dad keeps yelling at me because i'm playing too loud in his basement sorry dad anyway um i'm gonna try to do some covers of some songs and maybe some originals here we go this is Darwin's void i wasn't i wasn't ready okay can we get on the same page here i paid you three hundred dollars an hour to be here sorry guys what's from the top the chorus all right that's pretty dope hey can you count the money that i gave you after the sessions over just making sure it's all here dude fine this next song is um called until the day i die it's by one of my favorite bands one's story of the year here we go it's the verse we're going to the verse after the chorus as years go by that part yeah one two three four geez go by i'll just drive with you and he's right now you know i got that job i'm not getting it i'm not getting it okay can we just try it again oh it's an interesting version you're doing well how is it you remember how it goes oh yeah how does it go oh thank you we're darlin's void well i'm in first time and the last time we met gave the silence oh oh you don't feel me stop looking at me for the hurt doesn't show but this pain still goes stranger to you me that was your freaking signal it sounds like total dog crap fair enough can we try one more time oh yeah it's the keys yeah it's you tightening whether it makes it sound epic or not yeah tighten it and then it'll all of a sudden sounds like a field call it's drum solo it's surrounded by morons go for it okay you ready yeah i'm ready dude well i remember frick i'm the wrong key i remember i remember don't worry how would i ever forget it's the first time the last time we never met and other reason why you give this silence oh no you don't feel me for the hurt doesn't show can't you bro some stranger to you and me you're coming in the air tonight oh lord all my life oh lord you're literally the only friend i have i like this i like this next character's traditional this is an advanced boy 77 on twitter do a character who can only get off while watching kuba gooding junior movies great okay gauge will play my wife's love interest um in the bedroom sorry this um usually doesn't happen so what do we need to do i mean i just know that it's not it's not you you're beautiful can i stress just how beautiful you are do we need to get radio out again can we just know dogs he's done what do you think radio is a little bit more to my taste so i can kind of enjoy it at the same time snow dogs it's a little bit too look at me can we settle in boys in the hood i just really don't like it which scene in that movie really gets you off the rookie part yep well when he lets what he lets go of you know his liquid yeah i climax yeah yeah i do is that so bad yeah it's really bad all right what about boat trip what is that it's the gay cruise one where he's pretending to be gay oh oh he goes on an all gay cruise pretending to be gay and then he hooks up with women so what are you trying to say i don't know i don't know why i get off to that so it's either i don't know why i'm rock hard just saying boat trip what about norbit norbit yeah he was in norbit small part yeah real small part right character yeah not a lead no any do you have a compilation of all of his scenes i don't know we're gonna have to watch it it's gonna take a while yeah we're gonna have to seek what else is there what about a few good men a few good men that's that might be worse than boys okay fine we'll go back to jerry mcguire like we always do okay i'm on jerry mcguire so i can get my rocks off i like that one because it's got tom cruise and i can get off to that okay then that's a compromise i love you thank you for understanding i almost touched gauge during the scene for you audio listeners out there thank you so much for watching jeremy wonders i hope that you like this episode comment below subscribe follow you get it bye