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EPISODE · Aug 10, 2020 · 27 MIN

JW Ep 137 - Two Trumps

from Jeremiah wonders... · host Jeremiah wonders...

Jeremiah wonders... with Donald Trump & Donald Trump! Support the show at jeremiahwonders.com | Paypal Email the show at [email protected] Follow the show! Jeremiah Watkins insta/twitter: @jeremiahstandup www.jeremiahwatkins.tv Adam Ray: Twitter/Insta: @AdamRayComedy Edited by Gage Tijerina | Twitter @gagetijerina Animation by: Jeremy Sanchez @ghosttoast_toons Michael Carrington @mikethemicycle (insta) Neka Schultz @nekaschultz (insta) With Music by: @findmeasubmarine findmeasubmarine.bandcamp.com Sponsored by: Soapkorner.com Use promo code WONDERS30 for 30% off. SoapKorner.com Menchey Music in Pennsylvania @deekeighmatic & sethm710 Bronx Born Pizza in Bend, Oregon Instagram.com/bronxbornpizza LA Speed Weed twitter.com/speedweed Caveman Coffee Instagram.com/cavemancoffeeco Thank you Rich Young @_rich_young_ for the new curved soprano sax, and David Knowles for your help over at Menchey Music! Poster art: @theartofgettingup VIDEOS RELEASED WEDNESDAYS AT: youtube.com/jeremiahwatkins www.jeremiahwonders.com

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JW Ep 137 - Two Trumps

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TRANSCRIPT · AUTO-GENERATED

Hey guys, once again I got kicked out of the studio and apparently I'm out here right now. But I do want to tell you about our newest sponsor and that's SK Cratum. Now if you're over the age of 18 and you're not familiar with SK Cratum, well I'm a fellow Ann. Cratum is natural, it is the leaf of a tropical evergreen tree, mainly found on the island of Borneo.

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The product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, prevent any disease. This product is not for use by or sale to persons under the age of 18. This product should be used only as directed on the label. It should not be used if you're pregnant or nursing.

It's sold with the physician before use if you have a serious medical condition or use prescription medication. The doctors have might be sought before using this in any supplemental dietary product. Now guys, as I said, I'm out here. Who knows when I'll be back in the studio properly by myself.

But I guess Donald Trump paid better box to take over the studio and he wanted to do a talk show. And the only person that he would do a talk show with, he insisted on was himself. So Donald Trump interviewed himself. So here we go.

This is Donald Trump's talk show. Enjoy. Hello. Welcome back to the show.

Ding Dong, voter patrol is here. Donald J. Trump, welcome you back to a fine-finance television where interview the best presidents that are currently crushing the country, which is me. So please welcome me.

Can I just say I'm doing a tremendous job and it is an honor to be in your presence. Can I just say you're doing a tremendous job and I love having you here. Thanks for being here. I love the job that you are doing as a president of the United States.

Can I just say I close China and everything seems to be going up really well in the United States. Can I just say that nobody thought I should close China? Nobody said no. China should stay open.

I said I don't think. Months ago I said I'm pretty sure we should go long ago. I said China's bringing over years ago actually bad flu. They're bringing over rotten chicken bowls.

They're bringing over shitty movies. Okay. We've seen the weapon for Jackie Chan. We get it.

You're a martial artist. You did your thing. I respect the art but we don't need it. Okay.

So I close China. I close Europe. Nobody said closing Europe was a good idea but I did it. First of all, welcome to the show.

You're doing a great job as president. You're doing a tremendous job. You're a tremendous man. Okay.

You look great. You look great. Your hair. Okay.

It's fucking tremendous. Okay. I mean it's gold. I mean it's literally gold flowing off of mine.

You look like some sort of hot game model that I look I wouldn't rent your movie but there's good people on both sides. I'd watch it in a hotel by myself after someone peed on the bed. Listen, I wouldn't tell us all about that but I might tweet it out. So a lot of people have been saying look you're doing tremendous things for the country.

Is there anything else that you can be doing to be even better? The answer is no. Hundreds of thousands of millions of people could die but they do because people die every day. Okay.

From shock attacks from jumping off of buildings because their favorite song wasn't played at a wedding. People die in the sleep. People die from overdosing on a dick wheel. The people dying because of COVID.

I mean can I just say it is what it is. Can I just say you're going to die anyway? It is what it is. Okay.

And it had those people not died. They would have been at one of my rallies which draws huge crowds. Okay. The biggest numbers.

The biggest numbers. Since the Super Bowl or my dad since Madonna showed her. Fox News has been one of the best networks for us. I mean honestly.

We need a more true. You need something to give you the facts. Give it to you straight. Exactly.

Right down the middle. I mean these are salt to the earth people. They're good people. They're strong people.

They're people who I respect and I trust with my life. I trust everything Fox News says even that artistic boat tie wearing Tucka Carlson. Okay. Who said some very nasty nasty things about the way I do things.

But look he's jealous. Okay. I found Lani on the streets of Mercicana and she was walking up and down clicking the clack with her heels. Like a hot stallion in the summer night in heat.

Sent the scene. Here it is. North sewania. I'm outside looking for McDonald's.

Okay. I find a McFlurry. I get it. She comes out of the bathroom.

I had taken a Viagra yesterday this morning. So I'm fully erect. I forgot about that detail. I was so hard.

So hard. I mean probably the hardest penis. Probably the hardest penis. Probably the hardest penis.

Probably the hardest penis. You've ever said that is a hard cock in a McDonald's and never seen a Burger King. People are flaccid and weak and soft. My penis was so hard.

Full of blood. Ready to fuck. This thing was throbbing so hard. It almost placed in order itself.

I mean it almost it had a life post and had a heartbeat. People thought that it was the next customer in line because it was so big it was starting to take up six feet. So I encouraged the social distancing to a point for approval ratings. Somebody said, excuse me sir.

You will go ahead of me. It looks like there's only a couple more filet fishes on the grill. I said that's my cock. But Melanie walks out of the bathroom and I said, you remember what she said exactly.

What did you remember what she said? Oh, I just squared it and I said, what? I just, who are you? Who are you?

She goes, get it back here. She did it big. We didn't understand. She didn't understand.

Her English was terrible. It's awful. She talks like a robot who's been covered in jizz. But a hot robot.

But I would like to put more jizz on which reminded me of the filet de laofish. Just like. I don't like fat people. It's disgusting.

They kick it on buses. Okay, they clog up elevators. Every single fat person trying to swim laps at 10 a.m. Yuck.

I really eat my puke through my dickhole. So look, and I've eaten a lot of bad things, but also the best things in the world. But we've got great stamina and metabolism and Croatia. Yes, Croatia is a country that I went to once.

Who would you want to sing or perform with the inauguration for 2020? Because it's gonna happen. Okay, because mail-in voting. Listen, you can't do it.

Okay, they're sending ballots to dead people. I've got a friend who's son. Got a ballot. Paul.

They're letting him devotees dead. His dog is dead. Dead dogs are voting. They're letting tables vote these days.

It's a sick country. Cubes are voting. About the pubes. Now, listen, I usually don't like masks, but that was a little concerning.

Little concerning. I've been tested. Okay. I know that we've been tested snorted at the Clarkoon and I'm not going to say it.

I'm just going to say it. Take it. Drink it. I suck on pouches finger before everything goes.

I'm going to do it. I'm going to suck your finger. I suck a fauci finger. Okay, suck a fauci finger is actually a lullaby that I sing to Baron.

I love it. I love it. Let's sing it. Ready?

Okay. Suck a fauci finger. Don't let it linger when it goes in your mouth. Jump on it and suck on that.

No, no. Do you ever regret sometimes letting Donald Jr. take the namesake? No, no.

Do you ever think about that that sometimes? That could be an issue that we let the name continue in the lineage of Trump's industry. I feel bad that we named our son after us because let's be honest. There's so much greatness to live on.

There's only one done. Okay. And there's only one done Jr. And quite honestly, he got banned from Twitter because he's a little fucking bitch.

But look, he's not president. He's not presidential. Okay. He comes into a room.

He looks like he just saw William H. Macy with his pants down. Okay. Which I've seen it's tremendous.

But he'll come into a room and go. It's like I have some confidence. The issue in imaginary dumb. Did you just see a flounder?

Basically, people know you're really confident if you keep cutting them off and you keep interjecting with your own. Well, I'll tell you what I think. Go ahead. The thing that you can find out about yourself when you basically when you interrupt people and you don't let them get a point across it, you're actually the more dominant person in the conversation.

That's how you dominate conversation. You dominate it by your head. You bring it close to your chest and you say, I'm done. I'm your one.

I'm sorry. I'll tell you. I'll tell you. I'll tell you.

I'll tell you. My wife. My wife. I'll tell you.

My kid. I'm gonna say. You want me to stand. B This is what?

America, a need is a matter of fact. We can't make it a credit to clicks. We've got them toilet paper. We had them.

But plugs, I think it's time to take some questions. I think so. That would be a great fantastic trip. There's a lot of tremendous there's a lot of tremendous, terrific tremendous.

Fantastic. Tremendous. Tremendous. Tremendous.

Tremendous. Tremendous. Tremendous. Tremendous.

Tremendous. Tremendous. Tremendous. Tremendous.

That's true. That's true. That's true. That's true.

All people matter is what I'm trying to say. Sit that for when. Do you like Chinese food now? This is a complicated question.

This stuff as you know, we did close It closed. They said don't do it. They said don't do it. Why did you do it?

I Know why you would have a very so much some con that guy's flowing bad roots run over the bat and the coffee Who's chicken? Goes as a promise be an end now to the economy over the hundreds of thousands of millions I just want those things where I do like Chinese food to avoid but the Chinese people bring I would could do without Don't need it. Yes, the first Italian guy who talks like a Chinese guy or bring me somebody here who is possibly a little bit Slightly more American. I said okay that being said I would rub a piece of orange chicken on Malania Just a maker course sometimes I put beef and broccoli in my ear holes just to get kinky I put a chopstick in my anus and lick a fork and just say now.

I'm Chinese American Covid I'm a Covid monster And massage your body And you're putt and I'm gonna eat in sweet Oh To the CEO rentals Covid Yes, how would you describe your relationship with your mind? With you my how would you describe your relationship with your man? With your It's probably the best relation probably tremendous probably I mean definitely no that is definitely definitely no mom I've been hugged way too much by my dad. I mean if anything there was too much love someone say my mom was overly aggressive I breastfed till I was 26 My dad did rested me What is your theme song?

Freak for comedy says. What is your theme song? What is my theme song? Was was blade How to Mary Mary next I I do like Dr.

Seuss Horton. Here's who? That's a good one. Other Lorax.

The Lorax. It's actually what I base my hair off of. It's the Lorax. He's a great figure in literature.

I mean, one of the best novels I've read in my entire life. One fish, two fish, three fish, four. Is that your pussy? No, hit the door.

Okay. This is the thing about us. Okay. What's the thing about us?

Okay. People deserve to know that we care. We do care. And a lot of people say, they say you don't care.

They see us on TV. They go, you're up there spewing verbal diarrhea. I go smell diarrhea. I can smell it.

Ready? Yeah. D. I.

U. H. K. P.

A. T. R. I.

Area. A lot of people also don't know that we give back to the community. I mean, so much it's given back to the community. It's almost like a good will.

Look, if you're a deaf kid, we want you to know we're with you. Sorry. Sorry. We're with you.

People also don't know that we love to exercise. We love the exercise. The fact that people say that we are out of shape is on his money. Oh shit.

Tremendous. A man of bullshit. I wake up. Show me what we do.

I wake up. I wake up. Where's my go. Where's my go.

Where's my go. Because that's one of the things we like in the morning. Go for the men on the go. Okay.

And we're on the go. We've read so much. It's draining to be the person of the United States. A lot of people don't even know what's inside of a go.

Okay. It's cream cream fruit, fruit berries and go. People don't know this about us. We've been on shuttink.

Alexander Graham Bell Thomas Edison. They looked up. These are geniuses. These are the jobs categorized.

The cattle gates. These are people we look up to. And look, if we were going shuttink after a lot of people are saying once the presidency comes to an end, which could be in 2050 because we're going to extend it. We're going to extend it.

We're going to make it illegal to vote anyone else. And basically Michael and the other Mike Pillow guy. We're going to be Kings Among Men. Let's tell everyone our shuttink pitch.

Here we go. Okay. Let's it's a front shark tank. Okay.

Hello sharks. Hi sharks. It's us. The Donalds.

The Donalds. You've seen us. You love us. You want more on us?

You have posters above your bedroom. They look like us. In Greece. There's statues of us with giant penises to counteract David.

You know, businesses, huge statues. People walk around looking at these statues saying, Oh my God, look at that sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet. They're swallowing their thoughts because they'd love to be swallowing our goggles. So you're probably wondering, is this the invention?

No, what's the pitch? So Ed Blenderware, who's got some on? Who's constantly wanting to snack on their underpants? Who's constantly finding themselves in a place, a social situation, where people are talking about go with, go with, go with, and who's constantly, who's constantly, who's constantly going to the restroom and wondering, is this still edible?

Because I might have made a mistake. Who's constantly walking out of a sex and a backstake house? And all of God, and all of God, who's constantly doing silvers, a fine dining rest, establish a search for me. And you say to yourself, Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, still hungry.

So why wait, grab a pussy, pussy, grab a gummy pussy. So we're sending gummy pussies we want per capita, six gummy, six gummy, you kind of six back, it's a six pack of pussies because let's be honest, we go through the post, the most you can grab in one fistful. So we want we're looking for $500 for 8% of the company. That would be that would be a bad deal.

What we're looking for is $4 million per for pussy. You can decide whenever you'd like, shoot us an email or give us a wing. I mean, we're on Twitter, you can also reply to us on Twitter, maybe do one of those quote tweet things. So look, everyone's been saying, there's no way, there's no way there's no way a president could be this phenomenal.

The president could have the dexterity, the longevity, the remembrance that a president could know so many words in so many places and be in so many models, not those types of miles, but person repeat after me. Stake, steak, no wait, let me say it all together. You got it. Stake, stick, balloon balloon, baby, baby, pussy, pussy, RV, stick balloon, baby, pussy, RV.

It's pretty simple when you talk about it. And people say you don't know, stick balloon, baby, pussy, balloon, baby, pussy, RV. It's an idea that we've been sitting on for a long time. It's my yoga mantra.

It's just another thing people know about Trump. The back on one of the Air Force ones is a bumper sticker. You actually didn't know you post counters that they have bumper stickers for planes that resist ultimate speeds in air. People don't know that we made it.

We made it take, you know what we say, meditate before everything. Do you know what our mantra word is? Me, me, pussy, China, Trump tremendous huge COVID. Talking to me has been fantastic.

I have enjoyed talking to me more than anybody. It's been great. You look great. You look fantastic.

I don't know what you're doing with your physique. It's working. Not a lot, but don't wear a mask and be a pussy. Do you think some of this is going to be a good thing?

Because I started crying at the end there because I started thinking about all the all the pussy. I think about how Fauci sleeps in a sleeping bag at night like a caterpillar in a cocoon. They will never blossom because he doesn't have a good frame of mind because he's close minded and he won't let sunlight into his peepee. I'm a butterfly.

He's still in his cocoon. Okay. Here's Fauci. Here's us.

I don't need my mom and dad. I'm a fly. I'm a butterfly. Look at us.

Mega. Oh, we forgot about our hats. Use the promo code MAGA now to get 17% off Uber Eats. And if you do it right now, you'll get this authentic MAGA hat.

They're only how much did you say that each hat is $8,500. This is a steal. And I know something about stealing. These hats make great parting gifts, stocking stuffers.

Look, so many places to wear your hat. They look like babies, honestly. But don't know the baby. Even if you don't know the baby.

Look, so many places to wear a MAGA hat. Look at me. I'm at the beach having some summer fun with a couple of whores, taking them bike riding because horses love to ride bikes. Also, if you want to give somebody a really bad first impression, wear that to a wedding.

America's given us a lot of great stuff. Let's go down the list. Okay. Will Smith.

Will Smith. The old space. Flavor. Wolfthorn.

The Spice Girls. Actually, that wasn't America. No, that was. That was okay.

I take back what I said. Actually, never said that. The fact that you said that I said that is actually not true. I'll come personally.

We'll come to your door and bring you a MAGA. He will grab your pussy. If you're right now, look at the number on the screen. One six nine six nine six nine six nine Trump dash MAGA dash Trump cunt.

Call it. Got it. Do it. MAGA is available now.

You're going to love the way you look. Was that from some other? Nope. We said that.

Nobody else said that. Nobody else. Nothing. These materials are dope shit.

Yeah. But that's how you make money. What these fucking losers? They don't understand this quality.

The fact that you even touched that makes me think of COVID now.

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This episode was published on August 10, 2020.

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