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Without further ado, it's one of my favorite comics in the country. He has a great HBO special out now called Son of a Gary. Please welcome my pal, Dan Soder, to Jeremiah Winters. I mean, I can do this.
Wow. Yeah, Jeremiah. Jeremiah, yeah. Oh, yeah.
That's the voice. That's the voice that I hear whenever I trip when you like wake up, when you're like research, tripping. Yeah. I've actually, you know what?
I take that back. It's not that's not. Yeah, what is it? Let's figure out what that voice is.
That is that is waking up with a hangover on a couch with someone's like, Dan, you got to get it. So lie that lie back down and then we're going to will set the scene. We'll set the scene. Yeah, it's it's South by Southwest 2012.
OK, this already. Now, we're you know, was one of the years with the fleshlights that they were given or was that only a Montreal thing? That was a moon tower thing. And I success.
That's right. I fucked my moon tower. Fleshlight in the year of our Lord 2014. Dude, we all had sex with Dan Soder's fleshlight in 2014.
It got around, buddy. No, impossible because you would have had to dug it out of the trash because I fucked it and threw it away. I had sex with it in a dumpster, dude. It was a crazy dude.
In a parallel universe, I'm a serial killer, and that's a woman that's been missing for six years. So good luck, everyone. So all the time, let's check it out. And in reality, it was a piece of rubber in a thermos that I thought and didn't come inside.
I want everyone to know that. I pulled out of the. That's how. Out of the fleshlight?
Yeah, dude, I pull out of fleshlights. I don't trust it. I'm not trying to have fleshlight kids. Like a little pocket of rubber.
A little bit of rubber, dude. Yeah, dude, those little army men. How do you think those are made? A man comes in a fleshlight.
A man comes in a little. A little bit of rubber. Do you remember the ones the little rubber wrestlers goodbye, the little pink wrestlers when we were kids? Yeah.
And they were all like doing flexes and stuff? That's what those are made. Also, do you remember those little finger monsters that you put on that had like the little like, like, things on it? Another thing that if you come inside of a fleshlight, that's what it comes to.
That's if you're having bad thoughts and you come inside of a fleshlight. Yeah. But let's set the scene. 2012.
2012. South by Southwest Austin is just thriving with life. It's wrong energy. People are all the place.
Finish my set at the Velve Eater room. I'm already half in the bag. I've been drinking all day. I took an Adderall around 5 p.m.
Give it to me by my friend Nick. And I am just pushing through on pure alcoholic drive and Adderall. And I finish my set and then I go drinking because it's the last night of the festival. So I go out, I go out.
My flight is at 7 a.m. out of Austin to New York City. I have two spots at the Comedy Seller in New York City that night. I had just gotten past three months earlier, four months earlier, hammered, blackout drunk, Louis Katz tells me, hey, you don't got to go to your apartment, sleep on a couch in my hotel room.
And then you can just go to the airport. There's a shuttle to the airport from the hotel. I'm like, fucking, let's go. That means I can drink more because it's going to be.
That's plan ever. Now get ready because when I wake up, it is 7.45 in the morning. And I am on a couch and I wake up and I go, where am I? Where am I?
You are playing the part of Louis Katz. And what do you hear when you just hear your friend in the living room? Yeah, where am I? Where am I?
I'd be like, Louie. Yeah. Yeah. Dan?
Wait, can you hear me? Yeah, I can. Oh, fucking you son of a bitch. You fucking son of a bitch.
Yeah, dude. Yeah. Turn it right back on you right before we started this freaking bit, dude. Watch your back, dude.
Margaret Fucker, I'm not even on film tricking you. So you took it off and air brought it on air. You diabolical fucking asshole. Yeah, dude.
That's right. You get messed with on Jeremiah one day. You are on film fucking fucking with us. Oh, good.
We got him. Yeah, we got you. Fucking with us. All right, easy, easy curse.
We got it. It looks like it's all even up walk ins. Oh, all right. Yeah.
The producer who's never ran the show before is hopping on the mic. He's never done that before. This is his first day. I'm gonna lay down the freaking law, dude.
He didn't know that I'm freaking pissed right now in my seat. We're delaying this bit even more by him jumping in on the conversation. Fuck the bit. Mail on the bit.
I say you use other Mike to scold your producer right now. Listen up. What you just did shall never be done again on Jeremiah wonders. This is your first day and how dare you talk to the Lord and so to the way that you just did.
You shall be gone from this day forward. Actually, I'll meet you next week. So cool, right? That's what we could talk to your producer.
That's the only way that respects you. The only way. OK, so Louis Katz is basically now what you're wanting to hear. He shook you away.
He shook you away. You don't need to be Louis just as a normal dude or is that you here? That's you. That's the voice.
OK. That's the voice you hear coming out of a fucking drunken when you're when you're that disco boggio. It's just you. Yeah, just like woke up.
I'm going to go to the 45 in the morning curtains are shut. I shoot away. Can I just go where the hell am I? Where am I right now?
Damn, you're at my apartment. Yeah, I was in a hotel and I was like, what? Louis, what time is it? What time is it?
I said hotel clearly out from college. Oh, God, I'm so hungover. I'm so hungover. What time is it?
Do you want to catch a cab or something? There's a shuttle. It's a club. Dude, it's funny because I just remember how much pain I was in when I woke up at that moment.
And that's basically like how I had to listen to the conversation was like, what's going on? I said, what are my mouth? I was like, what are you going to do that? Yeah, keep doing that face and wobble a little bit from side to side and I'm going to do the classic movie line.
You don't look so good. Is this projectile? I found out I was I get to throw up. Just right in your mouth.
Just throw up right in your sweet. Just right into the sweetness that it is. This what sucks about doing Jeremiah wonders on a separate coast from you and not the same room is you have so many fun poise and hookups on the mics. Dude, I want I wish you were in the room with me because I got the mics and since you've been on the show, I added a wig segment to the show that I was going to put you in a wig and stuff and we do full on sketches and stuff.
So the next time you're in LA, we'll do it. We'll do it the proper way not to tickle your balls and then leave you without coming into a flashlight, you know, like in Texas or something. Always pull out never coming to flesh. That's how I was born, dude.
That's a good trap. You're a trap, baby. You're a trapped man, dude. Yeah, you better watch yourself, dude.
I'm the son of a mattress and a guy that didn't know what he was doing. Dude, I'm the. I'm the master. Now, babies.
I'm the son of a Fufi. That's a prison towel that you put between a mattress and then you come into with hand lotion and soap. It's a Fufi and it's called a hand it's a hand-built pussy. I mean, we're not coming to the Fufi.
Do some time and counting, brother. Listen, there's there's there's different inflections and the different regions of what we call it in different areas. OK, there's a legit YouTube series where I think an ex felon gives you ways on how to build a proper fake vagina in prison. Really?
Like, I think that's where that's where we're at in the age of the Internet is you can go watch a YouTube series. We're a science. Something says you follow go. We're.
We're. We're science. Did you watch the USA show? I know.
Did you watch the movie or the USA show? And then I think I only watch a couple episodes of the USA Network show. I watched the movie. I've seen that a couple times USA Network show hit perfectly in my age range.
I was like 11 when it came out and there was enough hot lady and dumb jokes that I was like. And then when I found out it was a movie, I didn't realize it was an 80s movie. And then I didn't like I was used to the I was used to the Lisa from the TV show, not the movie. So I was all I was all off.
Isn't that weird when you see things in the wrong order and you're like, no, no, no, mine mine is better than like. Yeah. Some people get mad at me when I say that Ace Ventura 2 is better than Ace Ventura 1. I think that they took everything good from the first one and amped it up and made it even better.
But I also saw I think I saw the second one before the first one. So I have a little bit of, you know, I would I would say Ace Ventura 2 has farther home runs for as how much funnier the jokes go. Like like the craziness of the jokes, but I would say Ace Ventura 1 is just a better movie. It's just got like from the joke to joke to joke like him with Courtney Cox, him going to Finkles house to see with Marino.
It's just got so many good graphics means. The second was just a vehicle for jokes because they already had they had everything established. So they they're the racist. Yeah.
Number two, they were just like this, a dump contest. They're like, what jokes can you get in as Ace Ventura? And he was just doing crazy. Oh, right.
Then and I've seen someone on Twitter make the argument that Ace Ventura was the first sign of of talking about CTE and football players. Because remember when he goes to the insane asylum and he's like got the two two on. He's like, just pull me in, coach. That is like, oh, yeah, he's supposed to have CTE in that.
That's pretty wild. It's a groundbreaking film, you know, it is a scientific. We grab fuck concussions. It was Ace Ventura that brought up the head injuries.
Yeah. Who cares about these other movies with, you know, Will Smith or whoever pushing them and making them dramas or whatever. Jen Carey was. Will Smith just doing a bad African accent, making everyone hate football.
That's a tough, that's a tough hill to climb. Food ball is a bad sport. You should not be playing. I would I would tell you to run into a man, but you have problems.
If you hit him hard enough with the front of the lobe of yourself, you will die a very painful. If you have seen if you hit a man hard enough, it is not good for his brain. What can I ask a question? Why would you run into another man so hard to hurt him?
I am a cardiovascular scientist. Do you not like this other man? What is the problem that you have with him in his village? Why would you collide on a day that is a Lord's Day on a Sunday?
I want to ask you a question. Why would you attack another man? You know, I think if you're attacking, I do not know what you say. Okay, only put it as audio or games.
It's a case in line. She's fucking done. Let's say you'll fuck should have. Dude, she'll be furious.
Two white dudes doing African doctor accents. Listen, we're parroting Will Smith, not the country people. Okay. We're just trying to do that.
All right. That's all we need, dude. Africa is a continent. We never actually specifically said which nation.
It's so I just think it's up for your interpretation. So totally. I think we're in the clear here. I think we're good.
I think we fucking checked all the boxes. I think we can move forward. And now we just get to wild. Let me tell you something.
The following in the article, we go in the following segment, Wild Bushman. They, uh, Watkins and Sooner got incredibly racist. And you're like, uh, she probably should have gone off the trails on that one. As soon as they said, well, Conda forever, the community turned on them immediately.
Got to get five, two clowns that got into the wrong. What happened when no, do you know what we care? We got canceled one of my goals in the clown's face and he's not putting the by in another man's face tonight at six o'clock on the nightly news. One of us would have to get a massive job in order for us to be canceled for that.
Like a really big job. And he was like, one of us would have to be, yeah, like giving a show on like NBC and then they're like, Oh, you're fucking done. We get hired on a Will Smith show and he's like, dude, come on. It's like that scene.
Like when he's talking to his dad, why don't you love me, man? I don't need you. I don't need you. Why don't you want to?
Great. Yeah, that was a good thing. Fresh Prince made me cry a couple times. That was one of them.
It's a good dude. I just saw the butler, Jeffrey, on the new season of Ratchet on Netflix. I haven't seen that dude in years and he's one of the mentors on that show. He gets a look at me.
He's working. He's working. That's all you want to see. You just want to see your favorite characters from other shows pop up in other shows, the person behind that character is paying their bills.
Yep. That's what I think every time I see somebody in a different show, I'm like, at least they're making money. But then if you don't like their character and you see them, you're like, I fucking guy. I know this guy.
I got more work. This guy. Come on. Dude, I found out that you are a fellow friend who loves milk with dinner.
Dude, kicking enough. You know why is because you're from Kansas City and I'm from Denver. And that's a very normal thing where we're from where it's like you have milk with dinner, you get strong. Yeah, I get ready for the winner.
Listen, you got to toughen up them bones before the cold sets in all these coastal elites who think that you should have a good dose of dairy to give you a strong physique and casting them deep in your bones. Are you just afraid that you're going to be taller than everybody else? Are you afraid that height is going to be an advantage and a confidence booster for the rest of your life by drinking milk with dinner? Is that what you're afraid of?
Dude, you and me are walking around unbreakable. We could walk through half of the people who have got it. Are you kidding? All these little dwarves in New York with their bird bones.
Hey, I like to drink warming milk. I don't drink no dairy milk, bro. I like warming milk. I pick you up and I go, I am strong.
I am from the Midwest. Powerful. Cow drinking. I drink the taste of cows.
I was born in Paul Bunyan's bed. Under the drink, my parents were only 5 foot 4. I'll tell you, the reason I'm so big is because I drank so much milk. Milk from dinner, that's what I like.
I'm saying something. Under the drink, it's only big because I drank milk. Hello, I'm under the drink. Beautiful, the dairy farmers.
I drink the morning. I drink milk every day and every night from the moons of the gods. That understanding of every person. Yes, my favorite is me.
We're in from the rest of cows. I give you cow, check milk. That should have been they should have just covered up steroids with cat. We just milk just said that's why they're all.
So that's why they're going wild. The motivation behind that ad series that we saw as kids got milk, I mean, it could have just been like got height, got body, got stamina. It could have been so many other things other than got milk. I mean, you know, me walls are going to be able to punch through as a dude.
So many, bro. He's this switch sculpted. Yeah. Are you doing a Brian Callan workout?
You're doing your Brian Callan or? Yeah. That's perfect. It's perfect.
Yeah. It's fucking perfect. But drink milk and then you can crush other human beings. And then I just slowly, I just, you know, I just.
Oh, good. Good. Guys, either buddy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right. Does your wife freak out that you drink milk? She sometimes is like, really? You want milk with this?
It's a little bit judgmental from time because she was born and raised in Northern California of an upper crust, an upper tier of family than the cloth that you and I cut from. You know, yeah, those people drink those ones that drink plant milks and fucking nut milks and shit. She does. Sometimes and I'm just like, not in my house.
Ew. No way, dude. Get a fat glass of 2% whole fairy milk. Dude, I get whole and it is not too much.
Too much. Listen, I can rock with whole. I can rock with all day, but you need me to take down a half a gallon. It's 2%.
And I'm walking through 2%. Okay. You're going to love. You're going to really know how trash I am from this next fact that I'm going to tell you about myself.
They're going to Starbucks. They used to have this Trenta cup for a limited time. If you remember, it was massive. It was massive.
It was the biggest one. Yeah. Every day for lunch, Dan, because I had access to as much milk as I wanted, I would drink a Trenta of whole milk with a sausage, egg and cheese for lunch every day. Damn, I have a heart attack.
That is wild. That is fucking that's old coal miner breakfast. That's like what you do to go work the fucking fields. Jesus Christ.
You said a fucking that way. They're going back like this guy's got way too much calories to burn. So hold on, your diet at lunch was 30 ounces of whole milk. Yes, with a second.
Yeah. Out the air. Dude, I would poop so much at work so much. I would have to take so many bathroom breaks.
Saucy, Jagan, she at lunch. Are you dipping it and catch up to make it more of a lunch item? Yeah. Yeah, you are.
God damn it. I would, you know what? I would have the same person. What's happening?
I would have one of those for breakfast. That sounds like a good breakfast to me. A nice cold glass of milk with a I can even do that for a breakfast for dinner with a sausage Jagan she for me milk in the morning is for cereal. Milk in the evening is for dinner.
So I usually. What kind of cereal? I'm a serial fishing. So let me tell you the quarantine when I'm working with if I want to be healthy, I do apple cinnamon Cheerios.
I want to do a little less healthy do frosted mini wheats. A lot of frosted mini wheats. So good. And then if I want to be if I want to just be a sassy bitch, I do Oreo O's.
Stop it. Girl. Get control of yourself. What you doing?
Oreo's. Oreo's what you got? Get a hold of yourself. I'm going to go in my little Tissy.
I'll fucking have Oreo. Oh, these are good. I love them. Three bowls three big bowls with a big spoon with a novelty sized spoon with a wooden spoon used as a ladle.
I use a ladle for my breakfast cereal. Just a big just a big silver ladle in a pot of Oreo. I use a bucket in a well of milk and I roll it up by rope and then I grab it and then I tip it and I slurp it down every night. Bands of Oreo.
O's. That's what I do. I bathe in it. I love it.
What are your what are your picks for quarantine cereal? I'm going I have a I literally I started a breakfast show called eating breakfast with Jeremiah because I started eating breakfast with friends and strangers through Instagram and it's a fun. You have to do it sometime. Well, you all have some Oreos.
I've been doing the French Toast Crunch Reese's Puffs Cinnamon Toast Crunch. If I go a little healthier than it's some kind of granola one, but I haven't done that on the show because it's not as fun to watch somebody eating like a healthier one. It's more fun. The colorful stuff.
You know what I mean? The lucky charms gold and clovers I just tried for the first time really solid unpopular opinion never a fan of the lucky charms because the marshmallows get too soft too quick was a real it was a real problem. You know, the first fan because it stays hard for a long time harder than you boy. I wish you could show I wish I could show you the roof of my mouth to show you all my cap and crunch scars.
I am I better than I've been in that Navy for quite a while. You're with your girlfriend and she's like it's a scene in that movie where like they're like what is this one and what is this one and what is that you're like wait. When I show the roof of my mouth she has the she has the reaction with it did in first blood when Rambo takes off his shirt. Jesus.
Look out there. Look up there. Look up there. Lava.
It's it's it's I got gashed for the first time when I was 10 years old sleeping over at the host wins his house took a big bite of Captain crunch and just ripped me apart. It ripped me apart. Oh man, what I would say that's the day most dangerous food to eat Captain crunch. Dude also hot pizza is up there because it's so tempting to just put it in your mouth.
You know you know that it's too hot but you want that sensation you want the taste right away and the self control that it takes for it to cool down in my opinion as one of those dangerous foods out there and also tortilla chips. Boba sucking down a Boba gets caught in your throat. What's a Boba Boba? Oh, it's it's an Asian tea.
They're little they're little they're little balls of tea that when you suck them through a straw they explode in the back of your throat. No, I'm not have to have what they're like the powdered. They're like your mouth. Yeah.
Yeah, they're like little capsules. Oh dude, that's that's like a slow boot camp. You know if you like learn how to do that you're like, take it again. Now the sour ones.
It's not it's spelled out. So when you when you take it in straw, it doesn't explode in your mouth. It explodes in the back of your throat. Yeah, it sometimes doesn't even explode.
Sometimes it'll just coast down the highway of your soft. I guess it's just not cool. Listen, I mean, I'm all for taking loads in the back of my throat, but I don't want some weird shit. I don't know what kind of LAT you got going there, but it's just a little strange.
Brother, I'll tell you it is at a truck stop at St. George. They're right there. It's called getting your gas topped off.
I don't give a shit. Well, you would I have to move change your brother. I mean, that guy looks like he sucks diesel straight from the pump when he's sucking down one of them LATs. I mean, what kind of D.S.
T is that you just put it down as a streams down straight into your stomach line. I just don't know about that. My man doesn't win. So gasoline hits the back of his throat and this shit gives him all bullnosed.
I don't even know what the hell y'all were talking about. I'm going to use the other day and I'll freak down with that thing even in the back of my throat. What is the name of that tea? Boba.
Boba tea. You know what I'm trying to tell me? Next time you're in LA, we're getting Boba tea, Dan. Well, it does sound very, very LA.
It is. It's pretty. It's an Asian treat, but it's very LA. It's an Asian delicacy.
You could say that. You know what I got into in quarantine? What? Clearly Canadian.
What is that? No, what is that? My producer behind the glass just came on the glass. You just went, yeah.
Dude, if you know, you know, it's basically like a healthier sprite. It's just fucking delicious. Okay. It was like, it was like, it was bougie and I was down in the dumps with some old vid depression and I was like, let me launch off and order some clearly Canadian food.
Let's just say they call it the slang term in Canada, Canada wet. You know what I'm saying? It's a little different, dude. Yeah, bud.
You know, you know, you just start sipping on a Canada wet there. Yeah. Just have a sip guy. I'm a winner of Canadians drink clearly Canadian.
It's too good not to be massive in Canada. Can you imagine if we had a drink called Clearly American? How sold out that would be at every rally across the country? Yeah, and it's really just bottled flint water.
They're like, clearly American. This tastes like shit. Oh, it's clearly American. Anyone else getting these weird ringing in their ears?
I know what this is. It's ever since I drank this Clearly American. It's just making me feel like a fucking garbage. Does anybody have a Canadian?
They're like, hey, bud, do you like sprite but don't want diabetes? Well, how clear you Canadian guy because you'll have some wild cherry or you can have some good old country raspberry or country. How about some nice old blackberry? How about you do like the taste of sprite there, but you feel it's a little too imposing.
Maybe you want a little bit less kick in the belly because you know, it's not as a nice of a greeting as a firm handshake and a warm smile. Hey, guy, it can't always be, you know, Canada dry on a Friday, you know, we're not about that. You got to have sometimes you got to have a lower level. So we got some Clearly Canadian anyone Canadian listening to this will be wildly affected by our accents because I know they're not the best and that's what it's the most.
I think we know exactly what we're talking about. And that's all I can say. Oh, to them I say sorry. Sorry.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. They did the African voices then the Canadian voices.
These guys are out of control. They are filled with milk in hate. That is what they are filled with. I wonder if Canadians do us if they're like, Hey, oh, you know what happened?
I went down, you know, to the States and they were all like, Hey, can I have a gun? I want to shoot somebody. Where's a hot dog? Hey, could I get a hamburger with cheese?
You know, I'm just down there and I'm like, these guys are a bunch of holders. They're walking around going like this. They're going like, Well, what do you expect? If it's a virus, it'll just clear itself up.
Just got word that the producer behind the glass today is Canadian and Dan Soder and I say suck our flashlight, we'll do it. Oh, sorry, Bob. Dude, yeah, and that burn was clearly American. Yeah.
Clearly American. What's up, bro? That's where you don't get health care and you don't worry about your fellow country men. Yeah.
Apathy. Clearly American. Whatever. Whatever.
Cooked hard stuff. My fucking block, bro. Clearly American dude. By the way, I didn't know how I said this in the first place.
Clearly American is just relabeled monster energy drink. Oh, yeah. Or it's, or it's, it's Mountain Dew Baja Blast. Yeah.
Or for local. Or local. Yeah. Code Red.
Code Red not a fan of love a Baja Blast love an original Mountain Dew. You know, like you know, that's the code red. Here's what it does to me. It makes me feel like I'm gonna get chapped lips too fast.
Well, that's a problem in the Colorado area. I mean, those chapped lips. The only time I've been skiing in Denver, I got real bad altitude sickness. Like real bad.
That's what Sam Elliott should do for those cruise commercials. I was just thinking, when you're up in the Rocky Mountains, you got to understand that your lips are going to look like you sucked off an entire hockey team. And you're about to get headaches that only travelers and women get. I'm talking about altitude and I'm talking about travel lips.
Coor's light is the best beer to chap those lips. Those red, dry, gay lips. Give me a kiss. I'm Sam Elliott and I'm half in the bag.
My name's Sam Elliott and I've been drinking too many Coors, banquet beers. So I want to know. Do you want to see my penis? Sam, I think you're a little bit, we stop filming a few times.
It takes a go. Do you want to? I'm lonely. Ever since my old dog, Mr.
Magoo died. I've just been sitting out on the ranch firing at the stars. I'm drunk, Sam Elliott. I love you.
Sam, okay, wow, you're getting really close to me right now. We call you all in service or something. If you'd like to film the commercial for Coors, it went really well. I think we got what we need.
You ever smelled a man when he gets close to you and you realize that you're one more Coors banquet beer away from undoing that big old buckle and letting him just have at your face. You ever wanted to know what my mustache look like over your penis? Let's find out. Sam, okay.
You're getting really uncomfortable. Come here. I'll work out. Your firm.
All right. Yeah. I'm going to have to make a gentleman out of me. Let me kiss you real quick.
Right here on your neck. Right here on your neck. Right here on your neck. Right here on your neck.
Right here on your neck. That's going to make me laugh. That's my girlfriend. That's me.
All right. That's me. I'm going to move on down to the nape of your neck and get a good old kiss in. I'm going to get into the crescent moon with your neck right now.
You ever, you ever smelled the dew falling on morning grass and realize that I'm going to give you a little kiss on your plus muh. You realize the dew of a morning grass is just as same as the smell of a yeast infection. You ever woken up in a field and only your top shirt button halfway down and realize that you got passed around like a drunk sorority girl in the 50s. That's when I said, Dodge Ram get butt fucked.
You ever wake up face down, ask up and realize that you had too much GHB at the same new party? I thought you were saying, whatever we don't wake up face down that's up and you realize that's the way you like to fuck. You ever realize that? Sometimes when you get old, you wake up and you go, damn, my back, my neck, my pussy and my crack.
I do. Sam Elliott doing rap lyrics is pretty great. Yeah, it was all a dream used to read word up magazine, salt and pepper, heavy D up in the cuisine, making pictures on the wall every Saturday. Well, rap attack, magic.
Oh, yeah, I got that is I never thought about doing Sam Elliott doing that. Now Sam, now I know your friends with a little John. Do you like the party with him at all? Yeah, what?
Yeah, what? To the window, to the walls, to the sweat drop off my balls. Oh, these females call. I fuck up lyrics quickly.
I fuck up lyrics pretty quickly. No, but I like that Sam Elliott doesn't know exactly what the lyrics are. He's like, yeah, all the females are calling me. Yeah.
You know, I was a farting around up in New York filming a movie back in the early 90s. I met a young black man named Christopher and he said, I'll never forget this. He said to all the ladies in place, style and grace, why we do lace, these lyrical dushes in your bushes, who's got moves and make moves with all the mummies back in the club, sipping my wets where you're finding me. I said, brother, that's poetry.
He died four years later. Some bitch got killed. I'm sad. I'm sad.
Sam Elliott again. I'm sad. I'm not being sad. I'm saying.
I'm saying. I'm saying. I'm going to talk to you. I got some milk in my coffee.
I don't know. Do you go a little bit harder in the paint? Half an half. Oh, see, half an half is harder in the paint.
That's of his thick cream. A cream. Aye. Aye.
Dude, I want to get into six segment with you because this is a good one. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you.
Get your kicks. Get your kicks in. Get your kicks in route 60. Suck my dicks.
Oh, man, I miss. I miss her. I miss her. Kiss you.
This segment is called fanning out. Fanning out. Now, you're familiar with this from the last time you did the show. People reach out with questions and I ask you straight to the to the gullet.
What you think? Say listeners, you can ask them anything you want. I'll be your conduit. Here we go.
I'm going to cut straight to the chase. I'm going to hit you with four or five questions at a time with this with this one right here. Four or five questions right down the middle. Everybody wanted to know about this.
Never mind the void asks. Chrissy Dee said Dan Soder got a clean piece. Is that true? Landon steel strong in a recent episode of Bad Friends.
Chrissy Dee said that Danny Soder had the nicest penis out of all NY comedians. Is this true? And if so, how does he feel about it? Scott Mcleow 24 tell about time you showed to Stefan Opelow your piece.
JVentchey 17, Krista Stefanos says you have the nicest, biggest hog at all the stand-ups of the show and their penis. My question is why you were showing Chris in the first place. Comics only show Chrissy when they think they fought something Dan. That man, Samuel Krista Stefanos said on history hyenas that he has the cleanest dick he has seen does Soder feel the same about his tool.
Artemis Dubois is Krista Stefano correct on the cleanliness and over all impressiveness of your peen. Let's go Soder. I love a good peen question. To answer that I do not claim to have the biggest nicest piece out of the NY comedians because I know for a fact they don't have the biggest piece.
There's on record guys like Will Sulvinz and Artie Fuqua and there's all their other comedians that have massive wangs. And so I went even there and I'd say West Coast Kurt Metzker still counts as a NY comedian and everyone knows he's got the biggest song because Big J has sung several songs and saw it's about it. Yeah, J has this unbelievable bit about Banging a Girl in Kurt's Penis is probably the start of it. That being said.
But he mentioned how clean it was. I do enjoy the cleanness of my of my ween. I I I I I I take care of my ween. I had a good cut shout out to the Hartford Hospital for cutting me right.
Right there. He clean cut. That was clean. Why?
They gave me a nice fireman helmet over at Hartford Hospital, but I the reason I showed Krista Stefan on my penis was it was 2011. Drinking heavy. Wondering who I am as a person. Now what happened was is I worked at a restaurant and a girl that I was friends with.
She and I hooked up and she gave me a very aggressive blowjob, a very, very aggressive blowjob. And and then we had sex and then the next day I was at my house and I had a bunch of a bunch of buddies of mine were coming like Krista Stefan on Nate Marghert Gatsy and a couple of other people came over to my house because we were going to go to the beer garden. Chrissy D has his degree as a I don't think he's got something where it's like he knows medicine enough for me to be like I was like you I think I was like can you get something this fast. The tip of my penis really hurts and I was in my head about it.
I'm a hypochondriac. So I was just talking. You got to solve this problem right away. Come on.
Like 26 at this time or I'm 2728. So I'm still in my 20s and I'm like I don't know man. I got that like a nervous energy. We're like this give you something and Chrissy D cool kid from Brooklyn.
You know this kid knows medicine and he's like bro let's just go in. Can you not hear me? No, no keep going. Move the mouse to the left.
Get that off the screen please. So Chrissy Chrissy's like yo bro if I can take a look he's like yo. Yeah, let me take a look at this thing. I mean I'm not like a medical professional or whatever but I've got this back in the day.
Yeah but he was just like you know Chris has that attitude. He's just like yeah bro. Yeah, it showed to me. Yeah.