JW Ep 147 - Pete Holmes

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S-A-X. Thanks for sponsoring the show, blue chew. Well, we've got a very exciting episode with one of people's favorite guests on the show, Pete Holmes. I'm so excited that he's returning virtually.

He called into the show. We had a great time and we even talked some stuff that maybe this is not as silly as the other episodes. We got real silly. We got serious at some moments.

It's a good ebb and flow and a different side of Pete that maybe hasn't appeared on this podcast. I think that you're really going to enjoy. Go to my merch website, Jeremiah Watkins.com and for touring, I'm actually in Addison, Dallas, Texas, in that area this week and October 22nd through 25th. And you can pick up a new SACS hat and T-shirt, Jeremiah Wonder stuff, Jack the Ripper, feminist Stacy, Kat Bergler.

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Thank you guys so much for watching the show. And without further ado, please welcome my good pal, Pete Holmes back to Jeremiah. You know that like when people think it's on your end and you take it personally, that's the height of human stupidity. I'm saying me.

I'm like, you think it's, of course it could be your end. We were having technical difficulties in your tech was just like, it's probably his end. And I'm like, how dare you. The audacity, I don't know this guy coming at me right now, saying it.

I bought this computer with American money and it works. I've used that for film. You're a peon right now. I don't know what's going on.

I'm tipping in euros and I paid in cash and cash. I mean, American. Thank you. I have the best COVID.

OK, we are doing great. We're doing great. We're in it. Jumping in jumping into political.

I have the best one. My company is the cure for other people's COVID. Listen, my COVID is stronger than anybody else's COVID. It is quite fantastic.

OK. Wow. Hidden. Didn't tell him.

I built Cosby. Oh, no. I don't want to think about Bill Cosby. Hey, the best COVID.

We were doing Val and I were laughing. I don't want to do it because he's sick, but it made we were laughing at Trump, the musical going, Daddy, can you see me? Daddy, do you care? I have a million dollars.

I have luxury as hell. No, he's just, you know, daddy, you know, daddy. She is. Is that fair to say?

Yeah, for sure. Did you know that his dad's name is Frederick Christ Trump? Did you know that? Wow.

So in Trump's opinion, I am the son of God. OK, I am the son of the son of God. I'm the son of the son of God. OK.

And if the son of God is more popular than God, the son of the son of God is going to be more popular. And both of them combined. I have the best COVID. You know, you know, it's better than a sequel.

A sequel, sequels. That's what I like. I didn't tell him. He didn't tell him.

I didn't mean to open us on a touchy thing when we were, you know, when we were trying to get this to work. I did open up the feed and then you see his face a million and then you're like, how am I not going to sing? Daddy, can you see me? Can you see me?

Daddy, do you care? Look at my beautiful suits. Behold my glorious hair. Billions, billions, Mexicans, Mexicans.

Billions, billions. Oh my God. So how are you? Welcome to the show.

I know. Welcome to the show. I say Pete wins, Saint of the Year award because we just did a tech rehearsal for a solid half of an hour. And yeah, you stayed positive and you worked with us and I appreciate you, man.

Keep it. Positive. Well, it's good to know what can you do. So I don't like situations where there are things you can do, but I don't mind the ones where there's nothing.

You can do where you're just kind of like, well, the flights delayed. Like those don't bother me. Right. Am I choppy?

A little bit. I think it's smoothing out slowly. A little bit. You said you're in.

You said you're right now. Oh my God. Security breach. Oh, I'm sorry.

OK. There's no fight. Fly. We've got P.

Um, I'm trying to elevate the screen so it's closer to the window. So it's closer to the Wi-Fi. So it's closer to the window to the wild. So it's closer to the sweat, drivin down my balls.

That internet connection is good. OK. I don't know the song well enough to riff with you. I wish I did.

It's OK. It's like when you're wanting to, but you're like, oh, no. Oh, I'll catch. Yeah, I really did.

I really did. It's like when somebody who doesn't speak English very well starts talking to you and you really just want to like, how do I tell you? I'm safe. I like you.

And you just like end up looking like an idiot. Like, oh, yeah, you look like Borat. Like double cool. Double cool.

Double cool. There's that new Borat. I'm actually excited for that new Borat movie to come out. I was just trying to watch the preve when I was making sure my headphones were working and I didn't see it.

But I don't. I it's called like he gives a pornographic monkey to Mike Pence and I'm like, does he do it? Does Mike Pence not know who Borat is? Is that possible?

That would be pretty wild because I feel like he's a pretty big phenomenon and pop culture and stuff like that. But yeah, but also Mike Pence, you never know. Maybe he's not in the world at all. You couldn't infiltrate him for a fake interview dressed as one of the vegetals.

Let's just say that right now. If you saw a porn star that you enjoy or you have enjoyed in the past, if you saw them, IRL, what do you do? And are you saying hi, fan of your work? Even better, you're an elevator.

So you have a good, you have a good couple minutes. Do you say like I like your work? Do they want to hear I like your work? Is that skizy?

Definitely not in an elevator because that's. OK, and just like looking at a woman being like like, Glantz, you're like, I like your work. And then there's three words that you. Oh my God, I was trying to make it less weird, meaning like, OK, you're in line.

You're in a bakery. It's a popular bakery in New York. Oh, you're in a cave. You're in a cave and you're in a cage inside of the cave with this person.

You realize your prisoners. You look like you say you're a fan. Did I tell you? It seems like something I would have told you that I watch Conan the barbarian.

I think it must have been a long time ago. And I might have smoked some weed. And I was like, I wonder if it's like fun to watch Conan the barbarian. And there's this scene where they're sort of explaining the story of Conan.

And they're like, Oh, yeah, he was he was the fiercest warrior. His family was killed. He learned to throw an arrow before he learned how to walk all this, all this cool, whatever kind of cool stuff. And then when he's Arnold, there's a moment where he's in a cage.

I didn't make this up. I don't endorse this. And they just bring him a naked woman. And the implication is like, do you remember that time that like the sort of like gothcore weird trench coat, nine inch nail of super fan high school weirdos?

They just love that stuff. And they're like, they just brought him a woman. They're just brought like that's what the 80s and early 90s were. Was that that sort of thing was OK, like, it's such a cool boomerpharian.

They just bring them women and that's the fantasy. But I'm watching it like what the fuck? How can this be an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie and they bring him this naked, literally a naked woman and they push her into the cage with this barbarian. And then he comes up and he puts his coat over her and covers her nakedness.

And I was like, Hey, OK. So even in the 80s, 90s, they knew that this was not even vaguely rape. This is just a horrible rape scene. And they go, but our hero has a heart and he puts a coat on her.

And then Jeremiah, he takes her in the coat over to the bed, removes the coat and then gets on her. It's just like it's not like they were like the producers had a meeting and they were like, well, we can't just have him like ravage her like maybe a coat. Anyway, it's a touchy subject, but it's so dark and so indicative of the chivalry there for your moments and like, well, his name is going in the bar. I want to see Conan the chival rarium.

Conan, the fighter of rape culture. That's what that is. Dude, I don't mean to get serious, but I'm like you and I grew up watching that shit. And there's no way it doesn't have a negative effect on just the whole collective male psyche is that we like bio dome to I watch bio dome and there's a hilarious scene where Paulie and the other Baldwin weirdo are like, let's do a prank.

And the prank is that they get in the beds of the sleeping beautiful scientists and start trying to have sex with them and like it's like hilarious that the women are like, like I'm like that's sexual assault. What the fuck? So whenever I get sort of down, I like to think at least you could never put that sort of stuff out there again for kids like you and me to just be like, because it's funny. It's hilarious, right?

I mean, I don't know if I ever did, but like subconsciously you're going like, well, Paulie sure did it, but I was thinking of all the other conans out there that got marked off the list before they settled on barbarian like Conan the equestrian. Like Conan the electrician. Like the one and the electrician. Only had a catchphrase would be in riff city.

He has nothing. He's just on on towards him. No, he's literally just a yoked dude making noises and I guess, you know, having sex with women like in his cage. Yeah, somewhat right.

I was right in a cage. Oh, man, you found the ref found the rip. And I led you to these precarious waters, but I don't know. That's where my brain went.

Well, there was Conan the librarian that was in the UHF. Right. Right. And somebody's like, Oh, he goes, don't you are you familiar with the do he does the most system and then he slices them in half.

It's it's pretty much all you can do with that one. Sure. Yeah. And black out and yeah, you're done after that.

What are you drinking? What's your sipping on? I call this my honeypot. Oh, OK.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, what's what? What's funnier, a steam burn or a fire burn? Like if you're in a comedy and enter Jeremiah and you fall over your untied loafers and you land on a campfire, that's pretty funny. That's pretty funny or it's going to be hard to be back after you get up.

It's the classic where you're on fire and yeah. Oh, you don't get up. You walk in, you fall on the campfire. Conan throws an arrow into your back.

So you're pinned to the campfire, but then as you're burning to put a blanket over you, I was thinking he smothers me with his blanket, like one of those fire blankets, but then he told you over as ex-spent. That's the rip. That's the rip. He's someone told him some barbarian mentor was like, you can do whatever you want.

As long as you kind of tenderly put a blanket on them, you can smother them to flames. Don't worry about it. They need they need to do like like a Encino man version with with Conan where they bring him and he just keeps trying to do that to women like. I mean, you had me at Encino, man.

I am in and the second Poly short reference. I know we're going deep. We're going deep, but I used to think I wanted to be Poly short for sure. I think a lot of it.

I knew I wasn't. I couldn't wear green bell bottoms to school and have chest hair and he wasn't. That's a cool kid. You know what I mean?

I was like, that's like a movie freak. The freaks that I knew in high school that I played weird computer games with and stuff. Those kids were weird, one black, Pinky nail. And just so much dandruff, not transition lenses, but lenses that are always at a 50-50.

You're a friend who would grow out like Pinky nails or something like longer than the other, but like they didn't do cocaine or anything. They're just like, right, just doing this for the style. Well, there were a million things we did. I feel like I'm including myself in that because I'm just like, we didn't know what they meant.

Like teardrop tattoos, if they had been an option, we just didn't know that many murdered someone or a coke nail. We just thought it was like, Kookie, kids just want whatever you have agency over. That's why I remember when it was cool just to not tie your shoes. Like that's how close you were to being like a cool rebel.

I had some shoes that they were no tie shoes where the laces, you pull them one time and then they were just spirals on the outside. You just went like this and then they were just spirals. They just stuck out on the edge of the laces. They were just spirals and you only had to pull them once.

Oh, OK. I was definitely obsessed with the shoe of the future, which if you ever saw a movie in the 80s or 90s in the future back to the his one. Laces are out. Can you believe we're still tying laces like we can't get over that?

And like the fact that like clip on ties are stupid, it's like, yeah, this is supposed to be the future. We shouldn't have laces. We shouldn't be going like this with a neck. Whoop, whoop, whoop.

What am I? Amish? Get me a clip. Give me a magnet.

I want shirts that have like a that's very future, a circle magnet. And then I and then I just go and then my shoes go and their spirals. And then I I'm not going to join the hacks that say, where's my hoverboard? We all knew that wasn't going to happen.

When was that going to happen? But where do you cross the line? If you if you're putting on the shoes that like self lace themselves up and the ties and stuff like that, like then you get so lazy with culture where like a guy like putting on a condom, like he's going to want it to just. Ooh, I put a magnetic rim around the base of my shaft.

If I could have a condom that had the matching magnet in the role and then you just put it on the end and it goes. Safer sex is that close, a permanent surgery where you have a magnet and then magnetize condoms and it makes it fun. Yeah, you can definitely put some sort of whistle in there. Like so when the action of it going, we go, it has to go up.

And then if and when your reaction goes down, it goes, and then I no longer have to announce, I'm sorry, I'm just hot, which has always been my excuse for losing an erection. Oh, really? That I'm hot. Ask me.

That will tell you that if I go, I'm sorry, I'm just hot. It's always my theory that like if blood is rushing to other parts of my body because I'm hot, there is something to it. I don't know if it's I don't know if there's something to it. I remember one time I was what time I went soft and my wife looked at me like it's everything.

And I just go and I walked away. I didn't know what to say. I was going to say it's I think one of the best things about being how long have you been married three years now been with her for over like coming up on over 10 years now. Yeah.

Oh, wow. Yeah. I'm sorry that you have to do that every time because you do as you were doing that. I was like, I don't care if you dated for a year.

Oh, wow. OK. Yeah, that's not you. I'd say that.

You got to say that. Well, then you can eat doesn't even have to be marriage, but a committed relationship. I can't think of the last time. Like losing donors used to be more of a thing or more of a worry, really, because you were with somebody that you didn't know that well, right.

And then what's weirder? I saw Mulaney one time do this joke where he goes on your knees rolling on a condom in front of a stranger. He was like making fun of like how he was not a casual sex person or whatever. He was like, that is exactly why you're going like, don't lose this boner because you're basically you're trying not to fire the whole day.

I mean, the whole thing is tension and body control. It's like a David Blaine experiment. You should have like a magician style Houdini style poster for like, I will not fart or burp the entire day. I will chew with my mouth.

I will be interesting. And for the big finale, I will roll on a condom, magnet free with a stranger in the room. What a strange world. But as soon as I come, I'm going to start vomiting frogs up as well.

That's what I call coming. I'm going to come. Oh, does he regurgitate frogs? I don't think it's David Blaine.

I think I'm I'm getting him confused with the other street magic guy. The what's his name? Oh, I forget. I forget vortex.

Maybe it is David Blaine. No, I feel like David Blaine is a guy who makes things disappear, like big structures and stuff like that. That is not that's not accurate. That's copperfield.

It is David Blaine who does the throwing up copperfield is this guy. It makes big things disappear. David Blaine is a guy who throws a frogs and Chris Angel is the guy who is goth and and and walks on water and stuff like that. And we're back to Polly Shore.

Chris Angel is also what Hollywood thinks a freak is freaks aren't sexy. Freaks look like they have a six pack of film. Yes, I don't like it. As somebody who is pretty freaky in high school, meaning like not in any group perfectly.

So on the outside, I don't remember seeing anybody with an eight pack. As soon as you have it, just take off the weird alte shirt, walk around, topless for a while you can be in any group you want if you have an eight pack. So would you say that would you categorize yourself as as relating to that free group in high school like that's who you would associate with? If I'm watching, no, no, now that you're making me think about it, when I watch freaks and geeks, I relate to the the geeks because the freaks were the cool kids that were like smoking pot, basically.

And I didn't really have too many friends. I had some friends on the freaks. I had some friends that were like smoking doobies and you know, had I guess unwashed hair and but I really like the computer nerds because it was this is now I'm just doing my dumb podcast, but it's like I like the computer nerds because they were programming their own games, which I thought was really creative because making your own games, which is something I used to do, is like as close as you can get just like writing a TV script or a movie script. It's like who are the characters?

What happens? Like funny things would happen. And like everybody else seemed to be trying to finger each other and I just like wasn't I was so intimidated by that whole scene that I was like, no thanks. I'll be with these guys.

The Vax nerds, the computers were called Vax. I don't even know what that means, but we would play Vax games. You like this. I in high school, I got caught cheating in word processing class.

Wow. And we were cheating off of clippy. What? Looks like you're taking a test.

You want some help? He's like the drug dealer of the PC. We're like, hey, what do you need? I got it.

Can I give you some suggestions here? Imagine when we were in the 90s, we thought it was so cool that they could tell you were making a resume. Was it the word resume that tipped you off clippy? Yes, I am making a resume.

What were you to say? Oh, we would we pass around a little flash drive. Basically, you had to type in word processing class and assignment every single day that you were in there. And at the end, you were allowed to play as many computer games as you wanted.

So what we would do is I was like, I'll take the first section, you take the middle section and you take the intersection and we'll pair them all together by passing it around. So then we would be able to play video games in half the amount of time as all the other kids in class. But when they know that the beginning and middle and end of three people's papers was exactly the same. Well, we had a few mistakes that were the exact same.

Yeah. Yeah, if we didn't have any mistakes, then it would have been fine. Oh, because you were. Yeah, I got it.

It was like a printed out thing. And then the teacher pulled us outside of class after she was like, I notice three exact mistakes like these and then we got sent to the principal's office and and I had to like do detention because of it. Isn't it weird that if you could body travel, like I could take your soul from you now, Jeremiah and put it in child you in that class, right? That would be the best video game in the world.

Like it would be the most interesting. You would just be like, look at everybody's shoes. Look at the smell of the room. Look at the weird blinking lights.

How did I go to this school? And when you were actually there, all you wanted to do was play Oregon Trail. Yep. That's life, baby.

That turns out. Oh, fake Frank. That's life. You're in a class and you don't appreciate that's life cheating with two friends.

That's life checks mix on a Tuesday with a glass of milk. Ooh, milk was everywhere everywhere. I was a child. I used to hot guy through a night lunch, Chuck a milk.

And I had to open it backwards to be different from from other people. The difficult way. I understand to include the glue down. I'm like, it's cool to do things different.

And I open it up backwards and drink it. But you were a skinny kid. I was a chubby kid up until like I want to say like eighth grade. I started to slim out and like just like my height just took over.

I was always tall. Like stretched out. I stretched out. That's what everyone told me.

I was so pudgy and they were like, don't worry. When you hit your growth spurt, you'll stretch out. And I hit my growth spurt and I was like, guys, it came with me. I felt so betrayed because basically people were like, don't worry about it.

Whatever you want. And I used to even as a kid, I was like a 40 year old house wife because I was like, who's this bitch drinking chocolate milk and you're so skinny? And I'm over there drinking my skin, my skin opened the regular way. It wasn't more loser.

Yeah, it's because my mom was my best friend. So I knew how to gossip from her. Dude, I have these memories of my mom and I will bring it up everyone's while where we have these memories where we're just eating chips and salsa like every day after school. And we can't remember where my brother and my sister were.

We just were like, this is just some some us time. I was eat chips and salsa. I have no idea where my brother and my sister were. I can relate so hard to that that most of what I remember from my youth seemed to have been me and my mom.

Yeah, I should have had like a little trench coat and a newspaper and I'm coming home from school. She has my pipe ready. Like where was dad? He was at work, but he worked a lot.

And then I do think he again, this is why the conan thing and then Sinatra, right? So Sinatra was sort of my dad's conan, meaning you go to work and then you're done. But you stop by patties, chest for fun. Like those archetypes led to my dad's style and he was just like, that's what a man does.

So I'm not even faulting him. So he might have been enjoying a few slippery Manhattan's and I'm having like saltines with American cheese ever so slightly melted in the microwave and my mom and I would just be eating them going, where's dad and John? We just where are they? We were home bodies.

That's what I didn't know. They felt more alive out with the people. And if I've learned anything about the quarantines from the quarantine, it's I've learned like, oh, I still am like, let's just have some saltines and some crackers and watch Conan. Apparently I'm good.

Yeah, I'm all said. I would do the tortilla chips with melted sliced cheese. Like on top of them, I'd pull off the little, I would do a little squares and I'd place them all over the place. And then you for it, you for it.

Yeah, make your own little layers. And then if you get crazy, then you'd have salsa, you have the cheese chips dipped inside the salsa afterwards. That's I feel like that's classy. Like the scene in step brothers where he just throws chips with cheese on top of them in the microwave, I'm like, that is the feeling of make a snack.

Like if you if you a little kid knew how to use a microwave, knew there was cheese and chips, that's all you needed. But salsa, now you're getting in the world of like spice and like who the salt of the cheese and the peppers and the crunch and like now you're a little guy for Eric. Yeah, a little fat kid connoisseur. Yeah, exactly.

The best. Boom. A little splash of the hot dog water actually brings out the flavor of the beans. Wow.

A hint of spam on the tip of a fork when you're staring inside the salsa. Oh my God. A section of a dreamy snack. All the things you're doing by accident, I do that when I cook for my baby.

I'll have some like butter on the fork as I'm whisking her eggs and I'm like, that's the secret. I'm like, is it or are you just too lazy to wipe off the fork? You have a you have a new secret every time. The secret is a thing.

A cigarette dangling from my mouth half a week. I imagine being a bad parent in the 90s. That's got to be pretty easy. I'm just going to say super easy.

You can do it with whatever because then you got a parent. Yeah. Oh, sorry. Then you could just say like like like I'm right.

Like it's that Matilda thing. I'm right. You're wrong. I'm big.

You're a little like that whole 90s is the is the key era of like do we say not as I do? And like now I'm so glad it is the way it is now. But like the things Val and I grade ourselves on is that like Lila will be upset and Val or I at the end of the day will be like she was upset. And for a moment I was frustrated.

But like that wasn't like the subtlety of recording that the kids are doing wasn't it. It didn't seem like it was a consideration. My dad always goes, you don't think they're paying attention, but they are. And I'm like, no, dad, we think they're paying attention.

You didn't think we were paying attention. Like you're not just him, but all parents in the 90s didn't think we were listening. But man, the real to real was running, baby. We heard we heard everything.

We heard. Where did you hear that? That's just like what I say. Hey guys, we'll be back with Pete just in mere moments.

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I think I don't have any questions from kids. This one comes from, oh, it's an impression suggestion that they're wanting to do. But Zell the hunk is wanting you to do a great Romano in Terminator and Predator. Sure.

Here's your predator. Come on. Come on. Kill me.

I'm here. What are you waiting for? Tell me. Tell me I'm here.

Remember that part of Predator? Get him a chopper. Get. I don't want to get in the chopper with a whip.

They could fall. You could fall. I'm walking. I'm going to walk through the jungle.

Give me a tea. Give me your tea. It's always about the predator never about me. Oh, there it is.

Brother. Yeah. Right. No one loves you.

Here he is, in Terminator. Look, I'm glad I can jump around in time, but why do I got to be nude? Huh? That's the catch.

You can go see Abraham Lincoln, but he's going to see a speckle. I'm not even sure we should have seen speckle. How about the seed when he first gets the clothes off of that guy and he's completely naked when he's like, give me your clothes. Are we in one or two here in one?

Ooh, one. I'm trying to remember. He gets them from me. He just is like, give me your clothes.

Give me your clothes. It would be polite about it. Yeah, I'd be like, excuse me. Hi, Terminator robot T 800.

Yeah. You look like my side. I want to make it. I can't pull off those leather pants.

Does anybody have like a khaki in a 32 long? Anybody have some kids? Kids and maybe a vest, some that'll cover up my hairy nipples. I'm out here trying to kill Sarah Connor and she can see my hairy nipples.

No, they don't chew lasers. Not that kind of robot. They do have a robot like that, though. I dated one in high school.

Let me just say. I got a few lasers into my eyes. I was watching this old 80s movie. It was called I think it was called The Night of the Demons.

And it was one of those like strange torpor films that the Laser Nipples remind me of this for whatever reason. But this girl, it's the most awkward scene, this girl gets topless. It just takes a very 80s nudity, you know, deliberate and no reason for it. The cheapest.

They used to call it the cheapest, special effect, which is pretty weird, that's a weird one. Opens are blouse. And then it cuts closer in and then it's obvious I'm looking at him like, this is like wax or something. What is about to happen?

She takes the lipstick that she was like around her mouth. She starts circling the boob and then she pushes the lipstick inside of the nipple. I was like, whoa. Oh, the whole lipstick thing goes inside the nipple and just like eats it.

Why? There was no reason. It was just like to prove that like things were different in this hot house that was going on that night on Halloween. I've never, my penis has never been more confused than total recall with the three breasted woman because I was like, I know two of those are real.

And my, my penis was like, I can work with two real in one CGI. Hey, industrial light and magic. I'm about the industrial light and wack it over. Yeah, I'm trying job.

What do we got over here? You can zoom in the union slob. Let's get the work over here. You zoom into my brain as a kid.

I'm masturbating and it's just me watching that scene trying so hard to like blur out the third breath. And then I'm just like, fuck it, I'll work with it. It's you as a kid, but it's the men in black scene with a little alien inside the guys head, but he's jerking off to a little bit. I definitely, I remember cranking it to that.

That was, that was a confusing time. You know what? I hadn't seen any real, I hadn't seen that many real breasts. I mean, like the three breast thing, if you had seen breasts, would have been really trippy, but I was just like, is that one of the options?

I didn't know for whatever reason. I would always hear about my friends who would just see breasts like in public or something. I don't know if you, you had this experience, but like they would see them in, like, not necessarily public, but they would see them at a party or something. And I would never see them firsthand.

And I remember, like, my uncle, a neighbor, he's like, did you just see that? One of their shoes is showering with her window open. And I was like, what? What?

I'm like, you're always like late to it. Like, how come I'm never, I'm never seeing these boobs, but I keep hearing about them being out and about. That is hilarious. That would have driven me crazy.

That's why they're all this movies, like Superbad and stuff where the whole point is just to try and like, I forget what Superbad is, but it's something like that. Like, I just want to see boobs. That's what your life is as a, as a teen, as a pre-teen, as a boy. We went into a strip club and just politely asked if we could come in.

We were like, we're not even pretending to have fake ideas. I also did the same thing with pornography. We went up to the guy at the one store that sold Playboy and I just said, like, I'm not a teen, but like, please just let me buy that. What did he say?

I remember vividly what he said. He said, you don't want that. Those magazines, I'm like, you go cross side and he crossed his eyes. And I was like, yeah, solid bit.

Make with the boy. Make with the boy. Boy. I thought he would honor like everything that I'd learned from the graph or, um, you thought he was like, would the age, like one page is like, this is all you get.

And it's just the letters to the editor. Um, I have a. I have an old Playboy when I became a man. I thought it would be funny or interesting or maybe even therapeutic to buy the Playboy from my youth.

Like I was just like, I remember who was on the cover. I'm going to buy it on eBay. Oh, I don't remember what it was. This is the most me thing I've ever heard.

I used to hide it in the lining of the chair in my bedroom, which is a pretty interesting. So there were springs and a black lining and I cut the lining and I put it between the springs and the lining, which is, you know, no way, my mom or anybody, my mom clean my room wasn't going to, she wouldn't find it. And then I was like, I have all of this like Christian sexuality and shame. So I was like, maybe it will help if I buy the Playboy from my youth and I'll just leave it on my coffee table, like a, like a symbol to my psyche.

Like it's okay that you thought this was beautiful or whatever. Yeah. And, uh, so the joke I only did on stage once and I was like, buy it now, heal it now. That was the line.

It was so bad. But, uh, those magazines are 99% bullshit. It's like cologne ads, weird cartoons, uh, like letters to the editor. They'd be like some weird section about like what a, what a young jet setting, yuppy would have in his briefcase and it would be like a laptop the size of, you know, a studio apartment.

And then like every 25 pages, there would be like some tasteful, like nipple. And that was, that was what I remember the magazine. My brother would get, um, he'd buy Maxim magazines and, uh, he for sure, like, my parents didn't know about it for sure because he like lived in our, in the basement in Kansas and I remember he would, he would have like a stash, like near the bathroom. So he was clearly jerking off with them, like near the bathroom.

But that was before I was jerking off. Like these are memories that I look back on. I'm like, Oh, that's what he was doing with all those magazines. Pre-J FHM, Maxim, these random, like kind of swimsuit.

He kind of like, yeah, like wet t-shirt kind of magazines and stuff like that. I want it. That was, remember this? You could get a subscription to Sports Illustrated.

Oh, I really wanted to just for the swimsuit edition because you're just like, it's not, it's not, it's not a new man. I like sports, but like I think my grandfather would have been volleyball or something, right? They pretty sure the rules to croquet are printed on their bottoms. But I wanted that stuff so badly.

I, you're helping me remember that one of the first, so we went back to that store. That was, that was his attempt. That was our attempt to do a decent. And then later we went back and we, this is me and my friend, Opie, and we moved the game pro magazines.

So we hid the game pros because the, the playboys were behind the counter and the regular magazines were in the aisle. So we moved, it was a two step plan. One, hide the game pros. It's three steps.

Two ask them if they have game pro. He comes out from behind the counter. He's looking for the game pros. My man, Opie, he's stealing a penthouse forum and he's out the door.

So the guy finds the game pros hidden behind like home cooking and I go, Oh, great. Then I don't buy one. My friend is gone and I just leave. You think the riskier man in the operations, the guy that takes the penthouse forum, but really it was me with the guy, my friend having just left in a huff after clearly ducking behind the counter.

I mean, he had to have seen it in his periphery, but I would read penthouse forum, which we didn't know. But we just thought it was an easy one to snag because it was small. It's just like a rodica. Do you know penthouse forum?

I don't think so. It's the cliche joke, like a lot of standups, my jokes about in the 80s because it was always like, you never believe what happened to me last night. This lady starts watering my lawn and I'm like, whoa, sweetheart. What are you doing?

Next thing I know, she's watering my lawn. Like it's just stories like, right, right? But they're supposed to be true, but they're so clearly not true. And I remember sitting in my basement, like your brother in the basement, pre J, like I didn't know how to J it.

So I'm pre J just reading a rodica, just like getting blue balls, which is like, like, I would just get like turn, I guess, turn on and then would just close it. Like I was closing the Goblet of Fire and going like that was a that was pleasant. I get the appeal. That was some good pros.

I figured it out. I remember, uh, Duke's have has heard the remake with Jessica. Yes, we all remember. So there was an unrated edition on on DVD that came out.

And I remember nobody was home for whatever reason. I was completely home alone. I remember jerking off in the living room where we watch like family movies and stuff, drinking off in the living room just enough, like where where like I didn't want to complete, though, because I was like, once, you know, once it's done, it's over. The sensation's done.

So I kept blueballing myself for like, you were milking it. You were literally milking it. I was really milking it. So then I go upstairs to look at on the internet because nobody's home still.

I go up to my dad's office upstairs and now I'm on internet Explorer or Mozilla, Firefox or whatever. And, uh, I pull up a picture and I was looking for girls in swimsuits because I felt guilty, the Christian guilt thing. Yeah, you don't want to go to extreme, but you don't want to go to extreme, but you know, that was my favorite part of crashing because it's true to life is that there's a scene where my character is depressed and he's looking for pornography and he just goes to Google and types in boobs. And then all these hardcore images come up and then he sets the safe search to moderate, which is like so true of where I was at that point.

And I have a fondness for that. I think there's some sweetness there, but like I bet people think that's not true. And I'm like, no, it's true. I just wanted like the mildest something to get me there.

But like the way that we all are with hardcore pornography that that took some, took some getting, some getting. I'm still not crazy about it. Yeah. So you were saying, though, so I'm on the computer and then basically what you kind of similar, where you're saying something came up that was more risque than I wanted.

But that's what set me off. And I wasn't even jerking off at that point. I just had a boner that was up for like a couple hours and I shot a load so high just when the boob came up on the screen. I wasn't even touching it.

And it just like went up and landed on my shoulder and I'm like, yeah, yeah, of course, because you were milking it for hours. That's how you get. That's like pulling the string on the bow back really hard. You're going to you're going to have a blast radius on that.

That's insane. Dude, you are reminding me when I don't talk about it a lot, but which is strange for me. I've sort of covered everything on my own show. But like, I don't think I've told this story.

I would look at porn and I wouldn't want to. Like this is what people can't understand because this was my first marriage. So I'm probably like home from Ben again. I'm probably wearing my Ben again shirt.

My name text is Moose because I'm like a funny server. And I'm like, I realize the overlap between like wife and new mother figure is so great because I was like, my wife isn't home. Like the psychological like she's not here. They never even occurred to me.

Like if I told Val, like I jerked off the pornography, she would just be like, why are you? I don't understand why I'm getting these updates. But like back in this day, I felt like I had to hide it. And there was so much shame from everyone, including myself.

I didn't even want to admit to myself that I was doing it. So dude, this is so embarrassing, but I love it. I convinced myself, I saw a video, it was on some server and it was like a video called like Underwater Boobs or something. OK, I know it was like underwater big bosoms and I said to myself, that just sounds artistic.

I was like, that's not pornography. That just sounds OK in your head. You're like, it's fine. It's like a lava lamp.

It's a lava lamp. It's how do they undulate? It's got to be something that just sounds like an Andy Warhol. So I click on it and I'm feeling.

I'm my contention now is that like this is what we were actually addicted to when we were horny horny Christian boys because that is in itself. It's called an eight ball or speedball. It's heroin and cocaine. So it's guilt and elation.