Hey! Welcome to scissor bros live, how you guys doing? Hey! Like Kool-Aid stuff?
Kool-Aid, tons of Kool-Aid. Tons of Kool-Aid. Lemanade, my mom would let me make it and I would hand pour and it would just syrup. And we'd freeze it and make cups of Kool-Aid and eat it like icy.
And sometimes we'd eat the powder out of the bag, make our own pixie sticks. It was disgusting. It was absolutely, I look back on that and I cringe and want to bomb it. And I was like, who was watching?
How does this happen? When was last time you had Kool-Aid? Maybe a couple weeks ago. All that happened to die hard man.
Hey, I call these Joe Rogan mics even though they've been around since thriller and Michael Jackson. Yeah. Because that's who inspired me to buy them. I was like, I'm getting that one.
I'm getting that one. Yeah, you didn't see Michael Jackson recording. You're like, I'm gonna get that. You're like, I saw Rogan recording and I'm gonna get that mic.
I sure said Sibis. Mm-hmm. I know my history. Yeah.
You know that mic history? Mm-hmm. I always, I don't know the name of the mic but I associate one other mic with a rock star which is that classic silver mic with Elvis. Do you know what I mean?
Yeah. The grooves in it. That 50s. It's beautiful.
I don't know what it is but I don't think it obviously didn't catch on. Like it's just a mic from back in the day but I'll see every once in a while a musician that will rock that at a show. One of those I'm like, where do they get that? Ebay.
Yeah. Yeah. Everything got Ebay. Yeah, probably.
Because it's from 1956 and they stopped manufacturing them. It's pretty dope. Are we rolling? Is that started?
I think we're in it. We're in it. I do the same thing. I think we're in it.
I think it's more organic if a... You just start chit-chat. Yeah, if you start talking. Like, I'm like, what's the table?
No, actually. Because my first thought was, why the fuck are there weights? Like, oh, is that like to boost energy? That was my first organic thought.
You're not doing a weird bit with weights? That's what I thought. Yeah. I mean, I was like, oh, it's to hold the table down.
There's a lot of, you know, the mic. Yeah. I might get sandbags eventually but I don't use my weights so I use them as table weights instead. I like the weights because what are you going to put the sandbags?
There's no legs. I know. So it takes up more room. Yeah.
It's kind of... The old sandbag. The old sandbag. The old sandbaggers.
I'm entirely playing country music here. Dude. That happens. It was, I know.
Isn't that weird how like the farther outside of LA you go you realize how big of a state California is there? Oh, there's legit a lot of different types of people. I did Sacramento and state in Vacaville. Vacaville.
I don't know. Look at my accent changed immediately. I don't know. And all the bars after the show they all bumped country music and I was like, what's happening here?
And I was like, why aren't they playing West Coast hip hop? You know? Sure. And they're like, oh, that's what the play up here.
I blew my mind. I was like, but we're in California? Yeah. a bar gig that was on the way up to Northern California that was like a three, four hour drive.
It was called a gig called the Ranch back in the day. And it was Accent's Galore up there. Just like a few hours north of California. Where I'm like, really?
Yeah, it's different. It's just like a couple hundred miles away? Yeah, it trips me out. It's insane.
So I walk into this bar shell, which, I would, you know, going into the gig, I was like, it was one of those gigs where, you know when you forget that you agreed to do a gig and then you look in your calendar and you're like, I gotta show that's farther away than I thought tonight. Okay, all right, don't do that. You know, I never flake or cancel on shows if I can unless I'm like really sick or something. Yeah.
So I go, I'm driving, I'm like, this is a freaking drive. Okay. And I roll into the venue and I start looking and, you know, there's an audience is there, but the setup on this stage is very strange. It's one of the strangest setups I've ever seen.
Where everybody's on the floor of this bar and then they are literally, they have to crack their necks up. Like, I'm not even exaggerating. To look up at this balcony. We're in a tree house.
We're in a goddamn tree house. Yeah. The stage is at least seven feet tall. Oh dude.
No, that stage was, that had to be at least a 10 foot high. 10 foot. Jesus Christ. It had to be, because you think of a bass wiggle.
Oh yeah. It had to have been 10 feet. Yeah, you're right, because it was a substantially above my head and I'm six, six. So, yeah.
I know my measurements. I'm 5'11. I didn't hit the six. I really wanted it.
Come on, jeans. Come on. I'll just really get into this. I know.
I'll get some bone spurs and elevate me. So I walk into this gig and Craig is on stage and I'm looking up at him and this is always a bad sign. I know on a show when a comic says or acknowledges another comic coming into the room. That is a last ditch effort.
That is a lifeline that's like, I'm trying to get any energy in here dude. Like let's, what's going on? So help me. Help me.
So Craig goes, oh, Jeremiah Watkins is here. And I was like, as soon as I heard that, I was like, oh, I was like, what's going on? I've been in the situation of times. And then Craig goes, hey Jeremiah, get ready to eat shit up here.
And then I said, well you'll probably actually do well. You'll do crowd work. I was like, that's not my strength. You're like, I got saying this on the show, into the mic.
He's saying it into the mic. And then he's like, I got stories or he said something like that. I got long stories, guys. There you are.
It's not the room for that. So I go to the back and the booker goes, hey, so I got so and so. And then you was like, cool. I was like, well, you got me going on after Craig, right?
You said in Texas. And he goes, yeah, but he gets off in 30 seconds. I go, no, I'll go on. Yeah, I want to go.
I want to go in and out. And so I go on. And it was one of those sets where they have a timer on the stage going down from 15 minutes. And that was the longest 15 minutes that I felt on stage in a long time.
Normally, I love the timer. The timer is like, oh, I know exactly what I can do and not run the light and be an asshole. And then that timer was the exact opposite. It gave me anxiety.
I was like, I still have six minutes left. Oh, dude. I don't think you were there yet. But I saw it like later.
And I was like, getting ready to bail. I just didn't. It was awful. It was awful.
I was burning through material so fast because the laughs were not sustaining in between. No. You're running through more jokes than you should be. You're like, oh, this usually fills this amount of time.
And then I'm like, oh, OK. So now I'm like searching for other things. And it was due to his bazaar. And a guy was so drunk during my set that he was talking louder than I was into the amplified mic when he was ordering a bar.
I go, hey, man, you're kind of being louder than the mic that I'm talking into. And he goes, do your shit, bro. I think that was the meth guy. That was a guy on meth.
At least it looked that was more than alcohol. Did you see him earlier in the show? Yeah, we called him the meth guy. I don't really know.
Sorry to. But it looked pretty guilty to me. So I say to his hand back, I laugh ago, do your shit, bro. I'm just trying to do my thing up here.
I can't even hear myself. And he shoots me a look that is so evil that it silences the room. It literally, the whole room is scared. Yeah.
And then I try to start riffing my way out of that, like riffing on the situation. I'm going back and forth with the guy. And I'm like, they came even laugh because they're scared that you're going to kill me. And I'm just riffing and stuff like that.
But to the point where I got off, and it was kind of an awkward dismount, and I get off. And I'm like, I don't want to walk through the front because this guy is legit. He's not wired correctly. Yeah.
So I walk out the back, and I chill back there with a couple other comments for a couple minutes, and then walk around from the back of the front. By the time I went to the front, that guy had gotten in a fight with somebody else, and he was on the ground bleeding. Good. Someone knocked him out.
Yeah. He got what was coming. He was, that could have been me though. Yeah.
I had my spidey sense tingling like. You're skinny, but you look pretty scrappy. You can throw a punch. I'll throw a punch, but it's why you're not run.
I'll sprint out of there. That's why you always carry a knife, bro. I guess. I don't know.
I'm a tiny, skinny, scared guy. That's why I was like, all right, you fucking attack me. I am going to survive. Have you gotten in a fight before?
I'm going back in the day. Did you get in fights? A lot of drunken sloppy, like kind of like. Yeah, just bar fights.
I got knocked out a bunch. I've never been in a sober one-on-one man fight. It was always drunken, insane behavior. Yeah, there's something like.
Choltering your logic or your reasoning for getting into that fight. Yeah, I always was funny and laughter got me out of it, and I never was good at fighting. So I was like, why would I want to get into fight? Why would I engage?
Why am I? I mean, maybe as a little kid, I don't, I guess probably, but I don't really remember nothing like after school. Church Park, there was this church park, everyone fought out of so weird. Church Park?
Yeah. And in Florence and. You better be bringing in Jesus with you on your side. In the Bible.
In the Bible. We need to repent after what we do to each other. Because this fight will be a sin. Knowing that going into it, are you sure you still want to fight?
Yes, no. I never had one of those, but yeah, just a lot. I just definitely have been knocked out like two to three times. Knocked out or choked out or same shit.
Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, God. I didn't mean it.
I was a whipper snapper. That's why I'm sober up narcotics and alcohol. Changes people. They're fun though.
I'll admit that. I ain't no square, but inevitably it's bad for you. Greg, yes? This is God.
Thanks. I wanted to ask you, do you have anything that you would like to apologize to me for right now? Pretty much the first 30 years of my life. I'm sorry.
29. I got sober at 29. So yeah, yeah. The first 29 my bad.
After that, come on, cut me some slack motherfucker. It's hard out here. It's hard. Thanks reduce drastically.
Please God. So you're going to apologize for 29 years with two sentences? Yeah, man. I'm quick.
I got brevity on my side. You know about that. Actually, you don't. That Bible you wrote as long as hell God.
I've been meaning to talk to you about that. As long as heaven. You're funny God. Do I have to go to purgatory first?
No, you're a good guy. I'll let you in. Thanks, man. Sometimes people call into the show.
I never know who's going to call in. Sometimes God calls in. Satan is called in a bunch. I'm good on that, man.
Oh, yeah. Gray's. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh.
Is Nickelodeon. Oh, ooh, ooh. Do you remember Weinerville? Does anyone remember Weinerville?
Why does that sound familiar? This doesn't look like a lotion. Mark Wiener. I watched that shit.
I always thought even as a child, why is it called Wienerville? Yeah. It is his last name, but I don't know if I remember it. It was weird.
It was like the Pee We Herrman type show. Like the guy had puppets as soon as you say a guy with puppets. You're like, huh, it's one of those guys. You got with puppets.
He went on to create, I believe, Doreley Explorer. He's doing all right. Yeah, I guess so. I don't know why I just Google stuff and retain weird information.
Did you ever watch a show? It wasn't on Nickelodeon, I don't think. But Erie, Indiana? I loved Erie, Indiana.
I loved it more than Are You Afraid of the Dark? See, I have asked multiple friends if they remember Erie, Indiana, and not many people. And I love that show. I was kind of raised by the television a little bit.
Television and sugar and top ramen. Okay, wait, these bones. What kind of sugar are we talking? Just the white bleached poison sugar, C and H, you know.
Like Kool-Aid stuff? Kool-Aid, tons of Kool-Aid, tons of Kool-Aid. I had a lot of alcohol punch, Kool-Aid lemonade my mom would let me make it and I would hand pour and it would just syrup. And we'd freeze it and make cups of Kool-Aid and eat it like icy.
Yeah. And sometimes we'd eat the powder out of the bag and make our own pixie sticks. It was disgusting. I look back on that and I cringe and want to vomit.
And I was like, who is watching? How does this happen? When was the last time you had Kool-Aid? Maybe a couple weeks ago.
All that happens to die hard, man. They have it at this chicken tender place and of course I'm going to get it. It's nostalgic. I'm not buying it and making it.
But I was like, oh Kool-Aid. Right. If it's out, you're going to drink it. And then like clear box with the fountain or chata boxes.
Yeah. Yeah, Kool-Aid or chata box. How am I supposed to? And it changed me.
Ah. Red die number four. That's your weird superhero origin story is like I was addicted to Kool-Aid at a young age. And I harassed old ladies at the local sizzler with my grandma Giki.
Giki. She's a true story. I would take the strap off my mother's purse because you know how it clips on it. You could take them off.
Yeah, with a little. I would have been in the bushes at a sizzler. So I was like a snake and put it on like a lady's shoulder and she screamed and like, I came back. And then I was like, oh shit.
Repranchs there as a kid. Yeah. Yeah. I was a schmuck.
I would run a muck. I was high on sugar. My mom said I was wild at the womb. My sister did drop me out of my head as an infant.
Wild at the womb. That's a good title for something. I'll put that on a shirt. Wild at the womb mother fuckers.
Wild out the womb. And yeah. Wild at the womb. It's in spurt.
But my dick's still hard, you know. I've been trying God. He called in a moment ago and I've been repenting and I just want to be a comedic superstar. And that's just hard.
Life is hard. I don't give a fuck. So what if you get ringworm on your dick one time? It was one time God.
Boy, I have a weird mind doing it. God, you created this. It's getting hot in here. So I took off all my clothes.
Oh. It's so big sex getting on here. No. There's Satan.
God damn it. Oh, that's why you came. I'm sorry I got. I heard you say how to tell my head boy.
You know, I've been trying to not talk to you anymore. I put you in my pass. I was tired of being called de Monio by my own mother. That means demon in Spanish if you don't know.
Now you know. I thought you were going to say it, Satan. I thought you were. I ain't going to lie, Satan.
It sounds like you got some nuts in your throat. I thought there's anything wrong with that. I'm not out of action. Of course you started that.
You decline a peanut butter as a direct correlation to COVID-19. I saw it on the grass. There's no peanut butter at all. That's bad.
I better start praying. No peanut butter in hell is no place I want to be. I thought I would like it down there. You like a drink beer again, but no peanut butter.
Go fuck yourself. Oh, peanut butter. You don't know how to sing. There's no de Rito.
I ain't going to lie. It's hard to pick up what you're putting down with that nut in your throat. Nuts. Nuts.
Big difference. So we've already had God and Satan call into the show. Yes. Satan scared me.
I think he did all of it. He did. Dimonio? Dimonio?
Dimonio. Or I go on. What's that? I don't even know.
I shame on me. I think like I actually never asked her, but I just picked up like you come on you jerk. Like not calling me a jerk. Like like a little punk.
Yeah. Come on. Yeah. Just like with the tone.
That's what you're feeling. Yeah. Yeah. I don't actually know shame on me.
What are your parents both? No, my mother is a Mexican and my dad's white as hell. It's in my act. He's German English from Boston and my mom's from born and raised in Harbor City, Los Angeles, California area.
I got her parents were from Mexico City in Chihuahua, Mexico. So yeah, through the generations, you know, some cultures lost America. Some cultures lost, bro. Yeah, bro.
I'm not going to lie. I don't wear backwards hats. Backwards hats very often, but I knew you're coming on and I wanted to match. I was like, I think Greg might be wearing a backwards.
It's a vibe. It's a vibe. It's a vibe for sure. I just became my uniform.
I've been I wear it for a million different reasons. One of them is keep the hair out of my mouth when I drive or eat. It's insanity. That's a real thing.
Two is in the beginning of Santa, I didn't wear a hat and it was fine. I wore my hat up in a bun. I didn't like that look so much. I did that at the second city where we met.
I had it up in a bun during the sketch shows. But then I just put the hat on and then it just, I don't know. I had a good set and then I also, like I just wanted to have a look. I love Sam Kinneson.
He had his trench coat. And I wanted to mine was flannel's t-shirt. I dress how I normally dress. It just became a weird thing to wear.
If I wear a hoodie on stage, a sweatshirt, I feel weird. I feel weird. I'm in my own head. I'm a fraud.
I'm not wearing my flannel. I'll be in a hot ass city and I'll still put on a flannel. I'll regret it later and I take it off. I'm just weird like that.
I mean, I did that for years with a red jacket on stage. I used to wear blazers. The first few years of comedy, I wore blazers because I thought that was going to be my thing. Yeah.
It wasn't. The thing that only thing I can think of the difference is my thing was already my thing. No, no. I know.
That's why you get it. You're just natural. Otherwise, if I picked up a thing that was unnatural, I would have dropped it a long time. Oh, for sure.
But I'm like, that's where it's all the time, no matter what. Yeah. Like if you do a TV set or whatever, you're going to be dressed as a dress. They tell me where a suit I'll be like, no.
Yeah. That's the one time I'll put my foot down. I'm like, I'm not that. Well, it's weird.
It's interesting to me sometimes when I see a comic put on a suit for like a late night set or something where I'm like, but the people who will come to see you from that clip, you'll never be wearing a suit at those clubs. So why would you put on a suit for a set? You know what I mean? Yeah, I'll do it to like host a wedding or a fancy night.
Unless maybe there's fun. But behind the scenes, maybe they're telling you you have to. I don't know. Maybe that happens.
I believe it does happen. I would think they would understand, you know. Yeah. I was like, I'm a character.
I am, I am me. Yeah. You're trying to change the character, which is me. It's not, you know, the business is so weird, you know.
I was having a conversation with the comic buddy hours. I'm not going to name it, I don't know. But they got a gig, like a big thing. And then the corporation, the suits were trying to change it.
And they're like, you booked me for me and my talent. And here's what I want to show the world. And now you're pulling stuff from, you know, six years ago that doesn't fit in there because you like it. Yeah.
But like, but they're like, that's not my art. I have a thing and you're trying to enter a new thing. You don't know that this gears in motion by entering even one new idea. You're wrenching the spokes.
You slow it down. Yeah. Now I have to go, oh, wait, this one insert here. And we all do it and we're pros.
But it's a shitty thing to do to a comedian, you know, a few days before a shoot or whatever, the gig may be, you know, it's quite crazy that they will book an artist for their art and then try to change their art or control their art. And it's like, let me just, I understand some sensitive words with the whole shit. It's on network. You got to pull those.
That's different. That's changing one word. You're now trying to get me to change the order, enter an old bit. I don't even do anymore.
I got to knock the dust off. You know, it's very odd that they always. It's weird. I did a TV taping where they tried to get me and Pat Reagan to wear something specific that they found through our Facebook or something in a photo.
They're like, can you guys bring this? And we're like, no, we don't want to wear that. And what if you're just like, I, we donated that goodwill six years ago? What do you do?
It's so weird. They wanted us to wear, like we have like, we had Reagan and Watkins shirts that, you know, his said Reagan and mine said Watkins and it had his head like a little guitar on it. It's like just like a little merch that we used to sell for like a short period of time. Like bring those and we're like, we're not being those comics who come out with their names on their shirts.
Yeah. It's already like, there's already a bad stigma with music comedy in general. Yeah. So like, I don't want to like, we need to check in two of the three boxes and you bring a puppet out.
We got all the boxes, all of them. It's going to be a hard pass from all of us here. And then you do your whole act on spirit airlines. You're like, oh, that's every box there.
Have you ever sat in one of those seats? I know. It's crazy. Everyone has a bit on spirit airlines.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the joke. Yes. It's, you know, try Virgin Atlantic.
I don't know. Try it. You know, I'll stop that. Doesn't Second City feel like almost a different life ago?
It was a lifetime ago. I met you when I was terrified of stand up and that's why I was at the Second City. And I would remember you'd always cut out those pieces of paper. You put them on the seat, improvised stand up with Jeremiah Watkins.
And I would always go to your show. Even when you had it added on Santa Monica, that little theater. Yeah. And I was drinking that when I was drinking.
And it was a good show. Bring your own beer. No. Don't mind if I do.
We used to do BYOB at his little theater. And for sure, like we would sometimes even give out free beer. And like I think some people were coming that might not have been. They were homeless.
Yeah, yeah. And you know, they were street people. They came for the beer. And we just needed a show.
We needed bodies with pulses in the audience for the comics. That's what we needed. Hey, but if you can get a schizophrenic to laugh. I mean, come on.
You're just at the right. Got some material. Yeah. Oh, that's dark.
Yeah, I used to fly her it up at Second City all the time. They'd let me do that. Yeah. Yeah.
Because I used to, I was there all the time. That was my first home. Oh, my home club. Yeah.
Yeah. I felt very safe there, like creatively and just like the friendship and like the family and like just the relationships or a lot of good people. A lot of great people. Yeah.
Great. Good, hearted people. Yeah. I just remember coming in and just being this weird like because everyone is not from Los Angeles.
I remember every single class. I remember it's like I'm from Ohio. I'm from, you know, Poughkeepsie. Yeah.
And I was like, I'm from LA. And they all had like, I, and when I signed up, I lied. There was a class for new booties who've never done anything ever. And then there was advanced for actors.
Yeah, the improper actors. And then I was a new booty who never had done anything. But I was, I was such a cheapskate where I was like, I'm not going in the, in the minors. I'm going to jump up here and get my money's worth.
Right. And then everyone was so trained and I was such a raw, a nervous, spastic nerve that either hit Grand Slam home runs. Not, not a lot, but or we all fell and bled real bad. And it was no one wanted to work with me except for the OG vets that knew what to do with me.
And that's when it was like magic. They knew how to mine you for gold. Oh my gosh. There's something funny about this guy.
When I got teamed up with those people, it was just straight, like, it was just magical. I can't explain it, but you know, I failed a lot. Of course. That's what those classes are for though.
Oh, it was some painful memories. But the magical still, still stick out. I remember like yesterday just goosebumps, like just yes, Andy with the pro and he's just lobbing me softballs. Yeah.
And I'm just this weird anomaly. I was the wild card, you know. And sometimes I was too fucked up to. And one time the teacher kicked me out of class.
She was like, you're high right now. I was like, yeah. She's like, go sit outside because I wasn't paying attention. I just go up there.
We're just staring at the wall like when she was going over like. No, I just wouldn't listen to her instructions. And then I'll just do whatever I did. And then just taking no direction whatsoever.
Everything went to shit and poop. And just all the one of the teachers goes, God damn it. Stop talking about shit. We had a teacher that.
Jesus Christ. My buddy and I wrote a song about having butt sex with a girl for like our sketch show. And our teacher, like we like previewed it for her and then like she just took a pause and she goes, there will not be a song about anal sex in this review. And my buddy and I were like, fair enough.
I don't know how we didn't see that coming. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, because we're just new when you're new. That's why people like can't judge a motherfucker off anything.
One says, first of all, adrenaline being in the moment makes you say crazy things. And then you're like, well, that doesn't represent anything about me. Yeah. I was reaching.
Of course. And you're gauge. A lot of times a lot of comics just go to shock because it's like that'll get a response. That's the quickest way to get a lot.
And so, yeah, it's just, you know, that's what we're a year in, two years in, exactly. You would never do that now, would you? No, not right. I mean, whatever.
Actually, I got a... Actually, greatest hits. I'm gonna fuckers volume two. Yeah.
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Well, not anymore. But you know, I worked a full time job. And I just, as soon as I jumped from improv in the second city in UCB, I went 100% in the stand up. And I just, I didn't have the resources to do both.
You know what I'm saying? I mean, I think it's smart because you get, you know, mediocre at two things. That's what I mean. I was like, I want to be, I knew that's how it was.
That's what I had. That's what I did. Yeah. And I know multiple people who, multiple friends who I was trying to get to do stand up earlier on in the city.
Don't name them. Was that one of them? I would always try to get him. I'm like, man, you're a fucking stand up.
That guy. I love you, bro. He's in a show with Cedric the Entertainment. Oh, yeah.
He's writing on like every show. Yeah. He's so funny. Shout out to Carl Tarte.
Carl Tarte, you're so goddamn funny. I still want to see you do stand up, bro. He would do stand up on the spot a couple times at second city. And then he did it at that little theater on Santa Monica.
And all his sets were great. I just, I can't, I've imagined him on act outs. And I'm like, bro, he's kind of adding Murphy vibes. That guy's got the glow, man.
You got the glow. You got the glow. Show enough. I don't cancel me on that, everybody.
It's a movie. I love that movie. I'm quoting the movie. You're so goddamn funny.
I'm very happy for all your success. But I still want to see you do goddamn stand up, bro. I think you'll be great. Out the gate.
Yeah. He's dope. I agree. Yeah.
He's like, damn it, they called me out. Are you? Yeah. I tried to get a handful of people which later on they ended up going into Santa Monica.
Are we not in any of that weird? I'm just so curious. No, I think that there's a handful of people from second city who are now, I'm trying to think of people who, Lisa Curry was one of those people who she, I think got in to stand up a little bit later after second city. And she's doing great now.
She's like opening for Jim Jeffery's. And like, it's just cool to see. Like, there's a small pool of second city people who are still doing it because you go to improv school with lawyers and random people who are just taking it for public speaking. Yeah.
Actors. Yeah. Yeah. I just remember Deanna Rees and Over it was also she's killing it.
She's killing it. But she would also just dip in a stand up and do like a half hour in murder. And I'm like, what? Yeah.