He's pretty nervous having you all on. Oh, not you. Me! He grew up watching you all the time.
I'm telling you. I'm telling you. He grew up watching you all the time. No, I'm not that side.
No, I'm that side. And that is perfection. You just made a rainbow on a cupcake. Yeah, but uh...
It's a man bow. It's a man bow. It's a... It's a...
It's a... It's a storm bow. Okay, Debbie. What is this time?
Listen, Coach Roy. I need to talk to you about my scent clean. Now, look. I know he's a bit of a scrawny boy.
He's the run of the litter. To put it lightly, okay? Yes. You're not wrong there.
But listen, I think maybe what the football team needs this year is a little more spirit. Now, we haven't been doing great. And I don't think that's a reflection of your abilities. I don't.
But I think maybe Clayton could boost them around on the team. We are already 0 and 11 right now. I cannot take any more risks athletically with the youth here at this high school. Listen, I've already stepped away as head coach at Johnson County Community College just for a season so I can come look after this high school to hopefully get better prospects at Johnson County Community College next year.
I understand that. Now, listen, am I asking you to push my son forward to Johnson County Community College? No. Frankly, I think maybe has a better chance at an academic scholarship, even though he's also not that smart.
But maybe he's smarter than he is at like, but listen, as a favor, one professional to another. He's done his dumber than that light post over there. My son is fine. He's a good boy.
He's got a lot of spirit. And I reckon what your team, which is 0 to 11 needs. Listen, do I know a lot about everything? No.
No, you just said a record was 0 to 11. We're 0 and 11. Yeah, you don't know much about sports and your kid has spirit. Yeah, it's called a cheerleader.
Yeah, sign up for it to be a male cheerleader. Can not be a male cheerleader. He cannot be the laughingstock of this school. Listen, listen, listen.
Let your son be a female cheerleader that this kid is not deserving to be on the football team. I mean, I'm frankly not sure you're deserving to coach with the record you got going. But listen, what I'm asking for is a favor. Shut your mouth whenever you bring up my record.
Okay, I can talk about it disparagingly. It's a work in progress. I don't need one of the moms of some untalented hat kid to come at me right now. He's not untalented.
He's just untapped. I've seen lightning bugs with more gumption than your son. I think high school is about developing that gumption. I'm asking you as a coach to give myself the opportunity.
Have you ever seen a movie, Rudy? Remember Rudy? Give us a little? Rudy?
People love Rudy. Clayton's like a Rudy. You know what this town could need? We need a Rudy.
We need a hero. We need a good news story about someone overcoming something. The whole thing with Rudy that was a beautiful story was it was Notre Dame, which is a beautiful establishment and program of a football dynasty that has happened over the years. We are own 11.
No one wants to see a sad little kid getting out on the field, living out his dreams and everybody losing and getting creamed right away. That's not Rudy at all. What if he isn't really good? I'm asking for the opportunity to give him an opportunity.
Have you ever heard the story of David and Goliath? Nobody thought that David was going to take Goliath down? Maybe he's a David. Maybe he's what the football team needs.
Maybe we need a scrappy little scrawny guy to run through the legs of those big fat defense men. Run it down the line. And is he fast? No.
Okay. Just to be clear, how tiny is your son, because you said run through the legs of football players, is this good two and a half feet tall? What's happening? What is his actual height?
What's his actual weight? I'm concerning. He could be an asset or he could be a giant liability. He could be a star.
Look, all we need is put him in one of them little letter jackets you all wear. That's clout. How do I get him into a letter jacket? That is immediate acceptance of your peers.
It's called a letter man jacket. And frankly, he doesn't qualify to be a man to have the letter. You can't just have a letter and a jacket and call it a letter jacket. Okay.
Okay. I need you to help me figure out how I can get him into one of them little leather man jackets. It's leather man is something different. That's like a BDSM kind of thing.
That's an adult costume. That is not what we provide here at the school. What's BDSM? I don't know the exact acronyms for BDSM.
Something, you know, body, you know, probably disaster, probably sexual maturity. It's like one of those ratings, you know, on like the PG-13 parental guidance. It's like, you're a pervert. And I would hate for the school district to find out you're going out watching body disaster sex movies.
I just brought it up as a term. It's not something that I'm into. It's not a kid combined or anything like that. I think that maybe the county.
You're not going to accuse me on my field. You're coming out here. It's not a field. This is a teacher break room.
This is my field. Life is a playing field. Okay. I don't care if we're in the PTA office or wherever the hell we are, the break room, getting water.
You're getting your Starbucks. Just so you know I am in the PTA office regularly. I have a lot of influence in the school. And there are people lining up trying to be PE teachers here.
Okay. I'm going to play my card straight with you. I'm going to show it on the table. I have a lot of influence.
You think you can do what I do? No, but I think I can get someone else to do what you do. Do you get what I'm saying? Good luck with that.
I would not blow your whistle at me like that if I was you. I would not. No, I'm asking- What are you going to do? I thought your name was Debbie, not Karen.
Oh, good one. Ha ha ha. Another Karen joke at Debbie. We're sick of it.
We're all sick of it. I'm tired of it. Yeah. Do I have a cliche haircut?
Yes. Do I have bad highlights? No. I'm sorry.
Big hair closer to Jesus. And all I'm asking for you to do is help me out to help my small son, Clayton. Be a little more protected in this school. What is wrong with helping somebody?
In and of your job as a coach to help the youth? All right. All right. Sign this waiver over here.
Your son gets killed out on the field that Coach Roy Robeson is not live. Okay. You film that out real quick. You don't even want to listen to what you decide.
Not liable for what? His death. The school is not liable for the insurance for his grave that is for sure going to be built in a cemetery that's right down the street from Johnson County Community College. Why is there a cemetery so close to the community college?
How many of your players are dying per year? A lot of players get concussions and stuff and we just haul them over to the cemetery after they tap out. Is there just like a mass grave? There's a mass grave for ex community college football players over there.
This is not looking good for your annual review. What's the PT? Listen, I can see that you take a lot of pride in your football team. Yeah, I do.
So let's compromise. Yeah. What about what? What about what, ma'am?
What about like a team manager, someone to, you know, organize the waterfalls? They can do the jock straps. They can clean out the fungus of our star player and toenails. Would that give them like a personal with it?
They would have the opportunity to personally interact. Maybe they could build a budding friendship from that. Sure. Does he get one of those leather daddy jackets?
Fair. The managers, they get the leather dad jackets. We could arrange something. Yeah.
I mean, it's not quarterback, but he's part of the group. He'll be star towel boy. I can't believe he's calling it towel boy. He's going to get called a lot worse on that.
I'm just telling you what the titles are going to be. I think maybe his title should be team manager. I think that's not asking a lot. Okay.
We'll look into it. I know. I need your word that he will be called the team manager. Wow.
You are a feisty one, aren't you? I care about my family. I care about God. What's going on with Mr.
Vincent? Huh? That's what you've got to have business. I'm trying to get closer to the Lord.
Sounds a little contradictory to me. Hey, Jesus, drink wine. All right. I think we get along good.
Okay. He turned water into wine. He's a regular old human like the rest of us. But let me tell you something.
What my husband is doing, which may or may not be his secretary. I'm not quite sure. He's none of your business or anyone else's business. All right.
Mr. Vincent works hard, pays the bills. And I am a pillar of this community. I volunteer for multiple organizations.
You are a pillar. You take a lot of pills. Everybody knows that about you. You are addicted to different drugs.
I need those pills. They are prescribed to me by a doctor. And I don't think there's anything wrong with supporting Western medicine and frankly, I'm a big advocate of mental health. So yes, do I take 100 milligrams of Adderall every morning?
I do. If I get your son on the team, will you never talk with me again? I can't make any promises. But I will do my best.
I will leave you alone. As long as you have him on the team, he gets one of those little letter things, the letters letters. Then you make sure none of the football players hurt him. This is turning into a hostage situation.
I've got a third period class and I've got to go teach Jim too. Yeah. Well, I'm supposed to be patrolling the halls as a volunteer security guard. We all have problems right now.
If you want to teach your class, I need your, if you want to keep teaching your class here. At this high school, I need your word, and my son will be included among the team. Good God woman, this man's going to be, yes, he's a little person who's going to be included in the team. You got what you wanted.
Is there anything else before I go off? Yes, would you like to buy tickets to the annual Pesca Gulid chili cook-off? I'm selling tickets. Great.
Okay, okay. Perfect. Happy to be here. Lovely.
I like, oh, starting off, starting off the show with some hand sanitizer. Yes, it's always good to stay sanitized. I love the scene. Do you smell it after you always squirt it?
Yes, I do. Yes, I do. Yes. Every time.
It's my, really, a layman's way of going, oh yes, I still have my center smell, I'm fine. Oh yes, well, it's very, very easy to do with the different grocery stores now. Check your scent, because every wall and every dispensary that you could walk down the street, you could imagine, possibly. Yes, it's just everywhere you go.
Yes. It's quite lovely. Yes. Remember the Ben Sixpence and another richer?
Yes, me. Yes, exactly. Is that exactly what it's up like? Yes, I only pay for the England Pence.
I'm very familiar. I'm in a cover band called Sixpence and another richer, but we just go around smelling things. Oh my god. Yes.
That's funny because I'm in a band called Sixpence, none the richer, and we only perform on Halloween and we see dead people. Oh, well, I'm in a Sixpence, none the richer. I'm a guffer band. We actually do Billy Joel Osmond.
We do. And we also do Sixpence and another richer song. It's a very convoluted band that we're trying to cover and get all the logistics figured out. That's so interesting because I'm in a dance troupe called Sixpence, None the Richard.
And we all dress like Richard Simmons. Oh. And we only dance to Sixpence and other richer songs. Well, I was thinking about joining that band, but there's a competing band called Sixpence and another Richard with Richard Dreyfus and they only play the Jaws theme.
Ah, good time. It's the longest improv game ever. How many knockoffs of Sixpence and none the richer? How far can I get where we were starting to go into the Richard route?
Yep, it could have gone for a turn. I mean, there's so many Richards. Yeah, Richard Simmons was so big for a while. And I think there needs to be a new one.
There does. Do you remember that he disappeared? Yeah, what happened? I don't know.
Did he go to rehab or something? I don't know if he came back. I don't know if he came back. We do need a new celebrity.
Because there's James Fonda and there's Richard Simmons. Huh? It was at Jillian Michaels. I don't know.
The P90X guy? Oh, but I mean, it wasn't as much of a phenomenon as the Richard Simmons. We need a personality. Also, there hasn't been anybody like Bob Ross.
Ah, Bob's the best. It's just, you know, just painting and just like do it along with me. Yeah, have you ever tried to do this, by the way? I think I tried to do one and you get lost so fast.
Nobody, until you try to follow along, I did a really brief, I did a six episode series called Slob Ross where I would have artistic guests on and I was dressed as Bob Ross and would drink and try to do Bob Ross drunk, which that also probably didn't help. But he's speed painting. He's going so quickly. Yeah.
You don't realize he's just watching it. When you realize what he's doing with the trees and stuff like that, how he's forming trees in like ten seconds, you're like, oh, you've been doing this for so many years that this is just easy to you. Yeah, you're a professional. Yeah.
And you're like, slow down. It's like those cooking shows. Okay, how about these? They have everything prepared already.
Then you're like, yeah, your kitchen just on fire. And you're like, I just wanted to play. My anniversary. My husband might leave me.
I don't know what's happening. I think he's been cheating on me. And now I've burned the brulee. Have you cooked?
Are you good at cooking? No, I'm so bad. Did he press me anytime a comic is good at cooking? Yeah.
Like I'm literally like flabbergasted. How did you find the time? Yeah, how did you find the time? And also I feel like I'm like, the amount of comedians I know I'm like, I think that part of our brain has been shut off to focus on other things.
Oh, yeah. It blows my mind when a comedian's good at cooking. My boyfriend is not a comedian. He's a musician.
He got really into cooking over quarantine. Oh, that's a good catch. Oh, yeah. He's so good at it.
I'm eating too much. Because he's just a big guy and he's like making these giant, certain like, I need a 12 ounce steak for breakfast. Yeah, let's put one for me as well. Yeah.
I'm just like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like, another T-bound? It's 9 a.m. Just like, why are you such a monster?
Yeah. No, it's, I've gone through phases of being like, I'm going to get into cooking. And recently I was like, maybe I'll start baking. I've gone through like, I go through very manic.
I'm going to get into things. Do any guys ever go through baking phases or do you think that's primarily females? I don't know. I don't know because I think socially guys would stay away from it because it's still considered like, oh, that's not what dudes do.
Even though, you know, there shows like the Great British Bake Off and all that stuff. Yeah. But like, I don't think that's as much like a, you know, when the quarantine was happening, like I feel like a lot of people are like, I'm getting into baking. Oh, yeah.
No, it's like the manly baking was sourdough bread. Tom Poppa makes bread supposedly this really good. Yeah. The people are like, I'm making sourdough and it's like, you're baking.
Yeah, yeah. Just quit calling it making. You're a big bread. Yeah.
It's, that's a woman's place. Yeah. I'm like, I'm not really homeophobic, which is not a thing I'm proud of. But like life is life.
What you do loves to bake. Oh, that's fine. And I'm like, oh, you're like the cake place that's refusing gay people. Like, do you not understand that this is inherently like a feminine thing to do?
Yeah. Which whatever, and gender on would have move. But like it's very funny because he, he's a cartoonishly like just Republican man. Right.
And then you got a sprinkle on the one like second place in a bake off. She's like, she's like it's, it takes a light touch. He's decorating cakes and like. And that is perfection.
And that is perfection. You just made a rainbow on a cupcake. Yeah, but uh... It's a man-bo.
It's a man- It's a storm-bo. Yeah. You can't get the rainbow without a storm. And that's a very manly thing, is glinting.
It's one of those cumulonimbus clouds. I'm studying it. I'm studying the back-of-science class. I'm a scientist, actually.
Yeah. Faking actually is chemistry. Oh yeah, absolutely. Nobody talks about it, but I'm basically a chemist.
I'm a Marie Curie, but a man with a spoon. Oh yeah, Martha Stewart, forget that. Yeah, that's dumb. I don't want to see it.
Women, sit down. A man's place is in the kitchen. You know what? I'm going to make my own sandwich, because she ain't going to do it right.
Yeah, they can't do it. Honestly, everyone I know who loves to cook is a man. Really? To the point that I'm like, oh, I think that was a false gender role, because men had to go to work and women were like, I guess I don't have anything else to do.
Yeah, I guess I'm not allowed to get a job. Make sure that the dinner's hot, fam. So he doesn't punch me again. Can you imagine leaving that era where that's acceptable?
I would be dead. I would be dead. You would be dead. You'd be like, oh yeah.
Just, just, just, smarting off like a little bit. What did you just say? Whack! Whack!
I'm like, oh, I'm going to get another tooth to the husband again. You're like, I've seen better punches for my friend Carol. Oh, my God. I'm just constantly with like a steak.
Oh, my God. He's like, I can't even cook that steak. You fucking dumb brat. I'm like, ah.
Hey, Jessica, is that a new eyeshadow that you have? Yes, it's called husbandry. Oh. My L'Oreal.
Oh, where do I get that? Come over to my house and try to make a casserole. Oh, okay, cool. Just.
Yeah, I can't. It's just so, it's so weird to think about like, you know, when you watch some of those like time period kind of shows on Netflix or whatever, like where they like, or like, slapping their like, wives around or stuff like that, I'm like, I literally can't imagine a society where that's like, okay, okay, where like guys are like, yeah, the wife was smarting off again, so I smacked her in the face. So I had to just, yeah, the old, gave her the old Frank Sinatra. Just.
Pup! To the moon! New y'all. New y'all.
Like a woman? It's been curved stuff. It's like, dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah. Stop spreading the news.
She's dead. She's dead. The coroner arrived at nine-thirty. He's just parading over a bunch of dead women.
Oh. Mine. I believe in today. We don't love you, Frankie.
We got to remake that. We got to remake that, like as a live performance, like a black and white, like, he's just knocking out women and everything else. Just the original music video for that. Right.
out because in the, you know, to us that's so absurd that it's funny because it's like so outlandish. They're like, no one would do that. Nobody. And you're like, oh my grandpa probably just smacked grandma around.
Well your grandma had to be put in her place a few times. And it's like, do I feel bad for her? Yes, but would her cookie bars have been as good? Probably not.
No, she strived for perfection for reasons. But recipes were perfected because of fear. They had to be. Fear drives perfection.
And fear drives competition and also success. No one is more successful than people who are terribly afraid. Nobody's more afraid than comedians. Yeah.
I mean, when I really think about like the deep, deep source of where my comedy comes from most of the time, it's like if I were to dig into it, it's like, oh, I'm so afraid. Oh, sure. Like I will be making jokes until the minute I die. But it'll be because I'm like, ah, I'm about to die.
I literally like I used to have dreams where I would, there were more nightmares where things did not work out at all in LA where I was working a job back home. So relatable. Oh, yeah. No, where's literally working a job back home and having my friends go, yeah, it didn't work out.
Like I literally had like, didn't work out. Dude, were you having a crazy amount of stuff like that in 2021? Things were shut down. Things were just having crazy like, high school dreams and like people that like had no business even being in my subconscious.
I was like, why are you pop? I think it's because we did such a deep dive in our heads with everything that was going on. Well, it worked so hard for that for a chunk of time. Everything came to a screeching halt that you're like, oh, did I just put all my eggs in a basket that's been set ablaze?
Well, yeah, it was like this basket all of a sudden had the bottom cut out. Yeah. And it's like, bye eggs. Now they're frying on the sidewalk.
Mm hmm. Yeah. Dude, that shit's scary. Do you have a lot of, do you remember your dreams usually or typically?
I'm like half and half. It's like, sometimes I wake up and I'm like, oh my God. And then other times it's gone pretty quickly. I guess my sister has like legit nightmares all the time.
And I don't know what that stems from, but she like, oh yeah, I had another horrible nightmare. I was like, well, those ones I always remember. Yeah. But like, thankfully, I've got a period of time where there's like heavy bouts of bad dreams.
You know, have you ever had sleep paralysis? I think I have at some point. Oh, that shit's weird. And okay, this is people are going to come after me in the comments and make her so fucking stupid for this.
I really sleep paralysis has made me believe in like, there are ghosts or spirits because I have had chunks of it. Like, I've found a period of time where I can't stop having it and it's only in specific houses. Which I know, I know, I'm a very logical person so I know what I'm saying is bad shit insane. But it's like, it's this feeling of like, you think you're awake, but you can't wake up and you can't like, move over and you can like, since someone like, standing over you.
Yeah, I've had dreams where I couldn't, I guess it's technically sleep paralysis because I couldn't wake up from the dream even though I know I'm dreaming. Yeah, and you keep like, waking up, and you're like, oh fuck, I'm still in the dream. Yeah. And then you go like, I'm never going to get out.
And now I'm so used to that because it's happened enough times that like, you have tricks to kind of get yourself out of it. Oh, I kick it out of it, but I think I will. If I just start thrashing enough, my boyfriend next to me will notice something's wrong. I'll be thrashing and realize it's all being the dream.
I'm like, just laying there like, that's so scary. It's wild. So what was the place that you kept having this recurring? The first time it happened was isolated and it was my freshman room dorm.
Okay. But then not because of this, but I happened to switch dorm rooms because a girl I was really good friends with her roommate moved out. So she's like, come be my roommate. So I don't know.
But then I moved into this house with a roommate, my junior year of college. And I went to like a week of it kept happening to the point that like, I was afraid to go to sleep. Like I was like, I'm just going to stay out. You're getting really, you're like crazy stuff where you're like, I can't go to sleep.
Yeah. Because it was like there's some, it feels like there's someone like either kind of in your view, like almost like a like a wolfy shadowy character or just just out of you and you know they're there and you can't fucking move. Like they're possessing you. Yeah.
It's, it's insane. How many times would you say that this happened? Um, I mean, it probably happened about 10 times total in that house, but it was in like a chunk and then I lived in a house in Highland Park. Yeah.
A couple of years ago, I lived in a house in Highland Park where I went through. I was on the road a lot, but then I was home for a little while and went through this chunk of time where it kept happening. But people say it's like just a brain disconnect where it's like your body's waking up a little before your brain's waking up a little before your body because your body goes into sort of like a rim to protect you from like thrash. Right.
But like here's what's scary about that is I don't know, maybe they have no studies on this or whatever, but is that what people are experiencing who are in coma's long term? That's what that's the case. That is the saddest, like that's so scary. Like the people really stuck and be like, how like get me out of here.
I know. I always wonder is like, is it just their body? Like do you hear everything going on around you? Because that's terrifying.
If you're trying to literally escape and say something and you're literally not waking up. That I mean, okay, I've never been in a coma, but I one time had a seizure because I was over. I fucking overheat. This is insane.
Really? I moved to Alaska when I was in sixth grade. Within a week we found out I have a rare but serious allergy to cold weather. I will break out into hives and like my body starts shutting down.
What temperature would you say? I mean, it was like I had gone from southern Mississippi where one time we had a snow day where it wasn't sticking and they closed down school, but like freezing weather definitely like 20 degrees in below. So I had to like stay inside during recess and wear like a bit Barney colored snow suit. Wow.
Just keep your body temp up. Yeah. Yeah embarrassing. Did anybody make fun of you for every one?
Not only did I have that. Okay. The thing is like I didn't need to have the suit. My mom could have if we weren't poor, she could have gotten me a nice like snowboarding insulated jacket and good like snow pants, but we weren't rich.
So she's like here, I got you this full body. It's like you a yarn ball. It's a story like purple suit and she started dating my stepdad pretty quick into us moving to Alaska and as a like, Hey, I'm a cool guy gesture. Anyone with a stepdad has been through some sort of like he gets you a gift or like some sort of I got to get in their good graces.
Trying to get that acceptance. So he bought us these winter hats, but they weren't just regular snow. So there's a kiosk in our mall, the Diamond Center in Krit Alaska, where you could get custom these like five foot long hats. I mean, at the end, it was like a dragon puppet, but also it's fashion and also function.
You could wrap it around and it's a scarf and you tuck it in. You're like a scarf and a little dragon head here and he got a C's and my mom's like, that's great. They needed ads and I was like, no, no, no, this can't be like my go to this is like a Halloween hat. It was so crushing for me because I left Mississippi where sixth grade is part of the middle school and I was just like the cool kids were like they liked me and then we moved to Alaska where I like I'm Barney with a dragon hat and like what was this the end and then went to college in Florida and like I got to hot head a seizure.
But the point of all of this is I am an old Jewish man trapped in my young Jewish lady body. I didn't realize I was having a seizure, except for so what happened was I went to University of South Florida and our football team plays at Raymond James, which is where the books play. They felt so they had buses you could ride over the stadium like the students. So we got out of bus it's way too hot.
Of course, I probably had like been drinking college, whatever. You're starting a little dehydrated. Yeah, and I'm like really dizzy. I'm there with my friends Stacy who like we've been friends for like a week, my new college bestie and they parked the bus and I was like stay down and I was like, are you okay?
I was like, I can't see anything. And she's like, what? And I fell out of the bus door. Thankfully didn't get hurt, but I'm wearing this big.
Like I was most spirited in high school. Like I go hard for school events. I'm a fucking door. I had a big green and gold bow and people are just stepping past me.
I'm like, do the game. Yeah. And Stacy's like, oh my God, I know what's happening. And all I could hear was this like the bus driver who was this like maybe middle aged black woman, very sweet.
She's like, comes in, grabs me and just holding me and Stacy's like, what's going on? And this lady goes, it's okay, baby. She's just having a seizure. But I could hear this and I couldn't see anything.
I was trying to be like, I'm okay, Stacy. I guess it's just a seizure. But like nothing. But nothing was coming out.
I couldn't see anything. I could hear everything and I couldn't say anything. And I was like, is this how I die? Right.
Like I didn't have a cell phone yet. You find out that the Grim Reaper is just an old black woman on a bus. It's okay. She's just having a seizure.
She's just having a seizure. Yeah. She's just having a seizure. Yeah.
She's just having a seizure. She's just having a seizure. Yeah. She's just having a seizure.
Yeah. Literally. And I just heard Stacy like, oh my God. And like, I wanted to be like, I think I'm okay and I feel okay.
Hallelujah. God, they came to help me. You know, you know, I was born in the mall. They just wanted something a little with you in the game.
But so I was like get the phone. Just and then it like stopped and I like could see and I sat up and the bus drove. It was like, you're okay. You just had a seizure maybe over he did.
We're gonna get the paramedics over here just to talk to you. What a calm cool. She's obviously been through it. I was like, how many seizures?
Oh that's a tenth on this week, baby. I didn't think about that. I just like, she wasn't a family member. But now I'm like, no.
She's been driving this bus. She's like every guy to some fucking probably some person from a northern state wearing dark colors in the August Sun in humid ass, Florida And then the paramedics just like talked to me and they're like how are you feeling have you had a lot to drink? And I remember like I hadn't I must have drank that before because I remember being like no I haven't had a drink I'm like well just has a water and then if you're feeling okay, they just let me go like I had the first time Ever happened before I got super super dehydrated at the comedy store We did a comedy jam recently where I wasn't drinking enough water during the day and then they just ran out of water backstage And I put out a ton of energy for that show. Oh, yeah, you go hard like I really really push myself I was right.
Yeah, everyone gets it. I did always just be so fucking I don't know It's sometimes is hot stage like they're like especially lights Yeah, but like if you're on stage for like yeah once you hit around the 10 to 15 minute mark in there You're pretty warm and if you're physical because I know you're both very physical But the end of my sets in the main room. I look like I've played a basketball game. Yeah, just to like Humbestool like just like I know I just impersonated my fat dad being in a buff ground pool for two minutes and now I'm gonna pass out And now thank you.
Good night. You got like dehydrated. I got so dehydrated that I started shaking uncontrollably like backstage I was never having to be my life before I got the chills and I literally could not get warm Where I literally was having like people were like rubbing my arms to try to just dehydration Yeah, I drank a ton of water and then I was good But like I literally could finish the show I was shaking and I couldn't stop shaking I was trying to stop and I was so cold that I kept going it's scary and also as a comedian shit like that a scary But it's also annoying to me because I'm so like I'm like someone's gonna think I'm on drugs. Oh for sure I'm not I I'm not sober everybody thought I had COVID immediately.
Yeah, and then everyone's like Oh, yeah, they're like, oh, yeah, you feel sick. I'm like, oh, I know this is a COVID question This is not like a well-being question. You don't care about me. You care about you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, which fine We're in a pandemic. But you know, this is not no. This is weird. Yeah, yeah It's mind blowing and I get I'm just so sensitive to that kind of stuff because I'm so high energy the amount of people in my life Who I've realized through conversation think that I do like cocaine like some kind of upper yeah Oh, no, no, unfortunately, this is just how my brain is hardwired.
I have to live with this I don't like it. I just know it's always going. It's always been like you know, if you did cocaine it probably can't be done I'm gonna do cocaine. Yeah, I'm not gonna balance my life out with cocaine.
What are you talking about? What is wrong with you? And then like when you hear about people doing cocaine, you fuck cheater. That's like take it steroids and baseball Oh, yeah, you let the real on just get high on the life like the rest of the profession of silver's over here Yeah, like I'll have a drink every once in a while, but yeah, I just don't and then yeah stuff like that I was like I'm I'm a drug problem which is like is that worse than them going?
No, she's just like that. Oh, yeah for sure I like when I'm high-energy my shows like I do a bit like later on in my act about how I Like never done drugs or alcohol before and people are like they think there's a punchline coming because they're like what the guy that I just watched There's gotta be a twist. Oh, I love your bit with the then is it the cocaine joke really long? Oh, yeah I mean, that's it, but like I'm gonna do the bit so fuck you guys go see him live It's an old it's an oldie but a good classic a classic.
You're my I've seen a special. Have you seen a cocaine joke? But yeah, no, I relate to that so deeply And you're just like but I mean the whole point was now. I'm really thinking about people in comas and oh, I know it's scary It's like I would I'm going on the record publicly that if I'm out for more than two days So I'm gonna get me out of here and that's a binding contract here in the Jeremiah wonders podcast Pretty me I clip it if you're ever wondering if you miss needs to go fun Go fun me to keep me alive you send this clip and go fuck you isolate this clip be like no This isn't what you wanted.
You're not getting a penny from me. Are you sure fear adopted me legally? Yeah, can we talk about that because I saw and I've seen you post about this and I want to know like how this is even a thing Okay, it was like a joke that we took too far, but not New York state court No, like I did his podcast I told him a story about my dad abandoning me and then I was like we would not mean he's like can you adopt it? Oh, let's like do that and we looked up and it's like yeah So we went into court and they just like asked and I was like yeah, I just I don't have a legal guardian who's around to God forbid somebody need to take Could I have a degenerative autoimmune disease and if it riddles me and somebody needs to make decisions for me That was like our story, but that's a hundred percent true.
Yeah, I basically gave our each of your who is a cartoon villain Power of attorney to just he's like I was like oh you have one fall and I'm just gonna I'm gonna go into the hospital and not even I'm playing me. She's gonna smother me with a pillow like No, it's trust me I'm not even I'm not even in a coma For the best and we walked out and we like we did it's like babies are trying to dop and like I'm like what'd you do? You're married? No, that's my dad and I'm like, oh these people are sick in that So they give you like a certificate and everything they I mean there's I signed a document I don't know I think they did and I don't know what I'm talking about that like a printed document You should get that framed I want you know, I think it's supposed to get mailed to his apartment and he's a slob So it's probably just lost it's probably and it's not gonna.
It's part of the move out of like three years ago. Yeah, he's disgusting Are you're disgusting? Here that dad your disgusting right get it. I also have a lot of male piles, but like Yeah, he's a very pile of male type of guy when I say so how long is the process to getting him to be your adopted Father it was like sin the idea happened we sent in the paperwork and then they give you like a date to come in a Couple months later, but we kept having a reschedule with her both on tour and I was like I'm not available at this point They're like I have to imagine the person who is like what do you even care do you want this?
You have a show instead of a father just what you want a dad or not? I was like, oh, I'm not gonna stop reschedule because I think it's I'm gonna take this too far Yeah, and then we just did it and he's like all right. I'm a dad I got jury duty for the first time in my life recently and Hopefully hopefully this worked But I filled out that I was the sole provider for my son and that It sounds weird my wife would be like how do you think it's sometimes I forget I was on because it's still so new oh, yeah Even though that sounds crazy it's like a woman is traumatized our bodies are destroyed by it Yeah, they're just like that's your kid is the thing you love most and also your Vietnam We're like right you're at me You better be a fucking doctor or something you better be perfect Mom and no no wonder mom. There's no intense like I just want you to to be happy I just want you to you know, I don't want you to be sad because you know because I'm trying to fell out Oh, I should never have a kid I might one day but God help all of us thought about it I was always like I probably won't have one if I forget like really really successful Maybe I'll adopt yeah, but now I have a boyfriend who I really love and he wants kids But I'm like why do we need more of me?
I have a disease he loves you so much that yeah He's like well adoptions like not off the table. I would like to have one of my own and I'm like why why are you? But I get it's it's any it's biological. Yeah, I just so he's a touring musician.
So it's just like I mean We're at now is I'm like it's not off the table, but like we're gonna make a plan because I'm gonna It'll be a big plan for you both or so much. Yeah, but it's like oh if you think I'm gonna wreck my body and also stop doing what I love Yeah, yeah, yeah, but then you got another thing But then on the other hand it's just like contradicting because on the other hand I would like if I'm gonna have a kid to be in a place six like successful enough that like I have the option like actually I could stop for a little while and just spend the time well the thing if I wanted the thing with um, you know We're always like thinking of like the success level of comics and stuff like that the comics are really successful Like really they're the ones who if they don't want to tour they don't really have to yeah I'm just gonna do a movie or TV show for a little while You know what I mean exactly or you're to or you tour at such a level that like one show is an insane amount of money You could just go like I'm just gonna do 10 theaters this year Oh, yeah, I mean that's which is such a small chance of anyone getting to oh the to that theater level that level It's a very small group. It's a very small group of what would you say under a hundred comics? Oh, yeah, like really do theaters I would say under 50 who really do them.
Yeah, maybe not maybe maybe some of European acts and all that stuff That's true. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, but I mean in the US Maybe there's there's definitely like there's definitely like under a hundred of our peers that like really do them like like they sell out It's not like a like a half-pack No, I know cuz that's fucking That's just a club's what are you doing? What's it like and it's a club thing?
They're trying to push now and I've quite so it's easy for me to from this level to go What's new claps because it's like that's my only option right now. I'm not in danger of selling half a theater at any point But like oopsie, I just sold out a theater. Oh, and there's I mean yeah, but the comics are really do it Yeah, maybe a hundred but even then it's like I can think of like ten people out of my head that legit do it Yeah, yeah, but it's also like I I wouldn't want to move to theaters personally until I'm like packing out clubs Oh, they were most of them do that they're like adding extra shows and they're selling out every weekend Well, I think that it starts to be like oh do I want to do one theater show or do I want to do three shows on a Saturday at Club exactly like let me just one and done. Yeah, oh, that's I'm so sorry I have let me tell you what that is.
Oh, what is it? I have ADHD. Uh-huh and that is an alarm to post on Instagram. Welcome to my nightmare Oh, I'm not gonna do it.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it I'm gonna do it I'm gonna be the post on this wait. It's a real I'm doing it really quickly I already have it safe and I draft but not because I was planning to do this on a show It's because I totally forgot and I don't have a draft I do let's while you're doing that.
Let's multitask a little bit just Michelle Singleton has an album out right now that You can order pretty much on every platform. That was interesting something just crashing the garage. I think a bird or something It's probably dead. It's probably dead a bird just flew into the garage door Um, you can get on all platforms correct.
You can get on Apple music Spotify. I find anywhere. It's called horny for death. Yes.
I'm so sorry I just did that that was no, that's all for multitasking What do you like that's like that's like that's me horny for death and she just posted a real on Instagram that you can check out She's got great social media content that you can follow her at JMS comedy at JMS comedy Yeah, I'm trying to be better about those videos and shit online important. It sucks It is I finally like I've done it very sporadically I've watched notice that even post and way more stand up close and stuff was great. I finally was like it's great. I mean I have a lot I've filmed my I filmed sets I try to be regular about it I'm not because I'm a space case and whoever is but like from just the back of room to have to like look at game tape Yeah, so I have all these sets that I never go back and look and now I'm like, okay And it's like I tried a clip out things that it's like more of a riff of course Yeah, you're like I don't wanna give away too much, but it's like to who did I don't know where it was but you um It was almost like a world star stand up.
Oh the black guy fucking a black guy clip. Yeah, that was literally in South Africa I want to go back Johannesburg. I want to come back to you so bad went so crazy in this clip that I was like it was like It was like stood out there was a guy was spinning in circles. It felt like it was from a different era The response was so big.
I was like, oh, this is a great clip. I hope this goes viral. This is crazy Yeah, and it didn't but it did fine for me but like That was not and I just happened right before I got on because I was seeing it was like a showcase type show where it's you know 10 15 minutes at their crushing and I had like a little shitty camera and I just get so I'd still like this I gave it to another company to my just like to film like that He's like it's like you get something like tries to go around but I was like, oh, thank God Oh, yeah, cuz those are the sets you never get on camera, of course not You set your camera and then like someone's like Or somebody's like eating chips right by the camera What is happening? I'll wait just stops to watch your set and from the camera like I love her Yeah, the back of her head is a friendly camera I go through periods of time where I'll go like, you know what?
I'm gonna try to get like a late night set and then I'll have so many camera incidences that I give up and like fuck it I'm not gonna I'm not a dirty comedian. I'm not meant for late night Right, right like I once had someone I had a nailed the set and any comedian who listens to this would know it Were you just like you hate all the punch lines because trying to get like it's not so specific It has to be a certain type of material you need like this whole little it's it's it's a lot It's his own thing. Yeah, and you just certain punch lines you want to get all the tags, right? You don't like get dirty which isn't hard for some people but it's really easy for me back Ah fuck and then I'm like a whole things fucked and then I just go into like queef jokes Right like I screw it But it was just like I got off stage and I was like oh and at this point in my Technological advancements instead of having a tripod I was using a selfie stick that I would just prop up because my mom sent it to me Children Korea I was like it worked right right the fucking host of the show had seen a camera on a selfie stick picked it up I was like who's this thing in the back of the room?
That's the comedian and she's like oh my god, and you came up to me. She's like I'm so sorry I was like it's fine. It happens in the back of my mind. I was like you ruined my life Why would they do that?
Why would you do that? Why would anybody? Yeah, I mean it was just like I assume she thought it wasn't running and someone had just like left it That's crazy to me. I just was like I was literally I was like God doesn't want me to be on late night Wow, I'm not supposed to be on television and that's just that was the sign yes And so now I have an album called Hornet for Death I leaned in and now it's dirty and I'm filthy and dirty and all the things that we lack I'm too edgy for tell if you're so stupid But yeah, no, that's uh when did you report it?
Hornet for death. Yeah in June. So I was on the road I was going on the road with Melissa V. S.
And you are I got to tour with her and I was helping her like tag up her Netflix Half hour which you just recorded and I'm so excited for everyone to see it's like she's so funny And I I was already gonna be out in the Midwest at the end of the tour So what I do with a lot of my touring is like I do a lot of like one-nighters at the level I'm at like smaller clubs will headline me and then some of like bigger A rooms also I'm gonna do rap weekends where it's like all headline Wednesday and I'm like future for someone or whatever That's where I'm at so I was like let me hit up helium I've done their rooms before and a couple other like in Philly just see about getting one-nighters I hit them up and like yeah cool by the way we're doing albums now I know you haven't done one in a few years if you have if you have a material you want to put out and I was like I Do yeah, I had like I had this solid It's over an hour and I was like I want to put it somewhere either visually or on an album Before everything's done because it's like you could do a point with material where you're like I like this material But I'm over it, but I want to encapsulate it somewhere. Yeah, you gotta get it out. Yeah, and Netflix wasn't banging down my door Which is fine. They're not being down a lot of the way down doors.