JW Ep 217 - Ari Shaffir

Wait, here's one. Lean on me when you're not strong. And I'll be your friend. And I still can't quite fix it.

I can't quite have bad voice. Oh, these are the people in your neighborhood. Still say it's bad. You know I don't do karaoke because it's offensive to people.

That's why you don't do it? Yeah. Is that why you haven't done the comedy jam? Yeah.

Yeah. Legitimally, yes. What would be your song, though? Well, a karaoke song is always speak songs.

So like what's the one about the chickens getting beaten upstairs? My name is Lola. Lola? I live on the second floor.

I live upstairs from you. All right. Yes, I think you've seen me before. It's Susan Vega.

Is it? I don't know. Keep singing. I might figure it out if you sing on it.

My name is Luca. That's it. I live on the second floor. I live upstairs from you.

Yes, I think you've seen me before. Oh, yeah. Please don't ask me what it was. It's beating.

The hearing sounds beating. Please don't ask me what it was. It's like, yeah. It's even though the auto tune is not getting it.

She's got diamonds on the soles of her shoes. It's so bad. Yeah, that's why I wanted to do it. Hey, it's offensively bad.

I mean, the auto tune is working a little. A little. You know you can't do it. You broke the auto tune.

This is the same thing I do with this stupid. I won't curse in front of your question, but it does things in the correct shirt. Hey, pigeon toadness. You can crap those in half when I was a kid.

It's auto tune. I'm showing it's weaknesses. I mean, yeah, you're finding the folds in the auto tune. Yeah.

I'm just writing the in-between levels. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, there's a lot of like rappers who kind of use auto tune that are barely singing. Really?

Oh, yeah. We can play that a game song. Maybe it's the runner res. Maybe it's the next.

Maybe it's a rerun of old. I'm trying to show. Maybe it's the rock. I feel like you can do a cotton-eye Joe with that.

And you'd be fine. Way to go. Way to go. Way to go.

Way to go. Way to go. Way to go. Way to go.

Way to go. Way to go. Way to go. Way to go.

Way to go. Way to go. Way to go. Way to go.

Way to go. Way to go. Way to go. Way to go.

Way to go. Way to go. Way to go. Way to go.

Way to go. Way to go. Way to go. Way to go.

Way to go. Way to go. Way to go. Way to go.

Way to go. Way to go. Way to go. Way to go.

Way to go. Way to go. Way to go. Way to go.

Way to go. Way to go. Way to go. Way to go.

Way to go. Way to go. Way to go. Yeah, that's why I don't do the jam.

I told them both, every time I carry okey and be like, no, come on, who cares? I just think what, and I got talked into it, if enough booze goes around again, sorry, Christian. Okay, should I- Speak freely, my friend. Okay.

Whatever you feel, I'm here to yes and be your buddy. We're both friends. Yes. Hey friend, hey friend Jeremiah.

Hey friend, are you? Hey friend, are you? We're very close to the Mormon realm when you're saying like the brother or like the relationship before you say the name, it's like why, just call me Ari. I mean John said, John the gold guy from the older guy, John.

Yeah, the elder. Yeah, the elder. You don't have to call him elder. What are you talking about?

This is strange. Yeah, anytime somebody's like a cousin Bradley said that I'm like, why are you? Why are you saying it like that? I don't know if you're a cousin Bradley.

The only ones that are acceptable are the aunt and uncle thing because that's like a common- Aunt Jim. Yeah. Yeah. Aunt Jim.

But would you say my aunt Jim? Yeah, usually. My, you say my aunt, not aunt, whatever. Dad said, my dad said.

Yeah. Unless you're dad. Unless it's where brother and sister. Right.

Brother and brother. Brother and brother. Yeah, we just talk about dad is dad. Not like my dad, unless it's a stepdad situation, you're kind of rubbing in the other person's face.

Your dad is no longer with us. He hit the bricks a while ago. But my dad, the married Europe, or of a mom. I don't know what happened.

I'm not her second marriage. Good for her, I guess. Let's start. Okay.

Cool. Are we already starting? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think I'm someone else.

Just start. That's my new thing. 30 minutes in. Okay.

I'm ready. Okay. That was the warm up. So we're good now.

Right? Yeah. Perfect. I love this too.

Oh, like in the sound booth. Yeah. rolling rolling rolling on the river rolling on the river rolling as they roll rolling that's it that's it rolling yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah wow dude that was crazy yeah it's so good see that's how that's if somebody knows how to use auto tune that's when it sounds good it's when people are just singing the normal notes it doesn't do much you literally have you're like uh have you ever heard t-pane sing a cappella before no how is it he's a phenomenal singer he's he doesn't get credit he started that whole thing he started he started auto too he's the one who blew it up in the rap game for sure and if you hear him sing acoustic it sounds like he's almost doing auto tune because he's such a gifted singer wow so like when you listen to him because he's got a lot of crap like a does do can't sing because he only use auto tunes like no it's actually the opposite if you if you really know how to use auto tune your voice actually you know how to manipulate it oh like what's the name playing that guitar thing oh uh like uh the uh yeah yeah i put that spoon in his mouth and just yeah yeah who was that what's the name you can't name him oh no you can't do it once you're starting wearing no shoes that's him that's well that's uh like that's they use that the vocoder in that song who was that guy uh who was that guy he's that's very blue people's minds so people are gonna be able to set that we're blanking on this one he's super famous super famous yeah and his one album was live yep it was like from that yeah oh dude just the con the people's heads exploding from him using that effect live and you're gonna ask it with your friend you had a bunch of other bands playing right it was a good his concert and then all of a sudden this guy goes we want you whatever he said yeah and you're like yeah and you look at your friend and you're like are you are you are you are you are you are you are are you guys hearing this hearing what are you guys hearing that that guy on stage it's like he's talking to us yeah let me say what do you mean Jeremiah no it's like he's inside my head i don't know if he sounds normal to me he's saying our names dude he's saying our freaking names do you think that's what it is did you send me something all right no i gave you the acid i told you but nothing else whoa wait i thought like you meant it was like orange just like a city like you had like a city quality you actually sent me acid yeah but it wasn't a slight i'm i'm probably an issue with how you're saying it but yeah but sure you're an acid did you slip me a hot dog or I'm trying to get you way more you slip me some large dude you're a little skinny i'm gonna slip you some large right now it kind of grossing me out right now whatever i'm gonna be a weight gain challenge oh i mean i want it that that's the end of it 30 30 pounds in a month it was disgusting me and Shane i was getting some weight i had a long December yeah thanksgiving right of December that's the best time of year to do it is weight gain December that's the best time to do it for sure then machine afterwards he's like i gotta loosen way i was like what do you wait told me but he's like this about what i always wait yeah and i'm like i really gotta listen i was like hey why don't we just meet in the middle so i'm like let's meet at 229 on February 29th right there he's going right i'm going wrong that's like fat couple goals you know it's like listen let's be realistic with each other all right i know we both need to lose a ton of weight and like one of us could go one way or the other but like can we meet in the middle here like like a goal weight is it seems like a little bit much for the two of us that seems a lot of work that's a lot of work for two come on man let's work something out yeah let's just yeah let's see i'm gonna be a my your taller so you ever um uh gone a date with a girl and uh you don't want her to get fat so you eat more of the food um no because that's a long game that's wild to do that that early on you're like if you have three more fries i'm not gonna love you tonight that's uh i don't go on girls are gonna be around a long time so i'll eat up go for it i'll never judge you because i won't have your number in my book next week i'll be in and out of here real quick just so you go just smoke you have the silhouette through the their apartment or just i guess like this i'm just like a nose on the outside like don't know what we're all yeah just a big nose like what it turns head to the side though yeah it's it's just calling card i don't know what's the wrong nose i mean we got to wear a couple uh couple uh mahogany it's solid yeah look at that right we're a couple of big nose brothers in the house oh you got a hunker oh dude yeah we i'm gonna try not to curse this whole episode i'm gonna try i just decided i'm gonna try really joke before i'm gonna go challenge to yourself uh-huh oh see if i can i know you're not offended by the things that are around you but i'm gonna try to come to your level instead of you always come to other people's level that's interesting you know that vegetarian goes no no i'll find someone on the menu but today go to a salad place wow you're a bitch i changed things around you're gonna find a drink germ i i think i believe now yeah i've never heard you call that anybody that and you're gonna do that way as i'm your guest on the pod today i don't appreciate that i'm gonna rev up to that yeah we were to yeah man i didn't hang didn't come naturally to me yeah oh yeah feel free to work out there's uh there's activities here on the show yeah don't do whatever oh whoa whoa are you don't don't hurt yourself uh so what's uh what's new in your life buddy oh wait i'll just work damn you got weeks you got a lot of stuff out here oh i got stuff it's in the non-New York apartments it's crazy the space you have i mean yeah this is my grass setup this is my studio setup in here and this fit i mean this garage is like a two-car garage that i just literally like i talked to my wife when we moved here i was like can i convert this to the podcast setup and she goes yeah she goes i don't think you can but i don't have a problem with it i'm like i'll show you lights lights i literally don't believe you i'm only with you because i made a bet with my dad that you wouldn't be around and i don't want to lose it why does that sound like an early two thousands like romantic comedy i tried this idea i bet my dad that we wouldn't last i'll be and that has make it stakes i'll be a partner at the firm right if exactly but then he finds a way to make love to like really make love work and then also you're gonna be partner and along the way i don't know what happened but we fell in love i learned a thing or two about myself yeah you taught me that was my favorite that movie um it was Lev Schreiber, Lev Schreiber, and he wasn't the main character it was a chick who was the main character she finds a portal through time okay he's the best friend Lev Schreiber and they have to she finds a portal through time so she goes back and she falls in love with some prince from like three hundred years ago okay she falls in love love is you know it's tough so she's like well i'm in love with him so he's like well i can't i'm coming to your time because maybe it's an allegory first just whose apartment we wind up it but like he's like i'm not a prince in your time and this world is wild yeah watch come back to my time she'll see i know electricity he's like but you'll be your queen like so this big thing and she's constantly telling Lev Schreiber she's like i don't know what to do he's not a jewish actor he wouldn't even be easier for you to pronounce that i can't pronounce the non-hebrayified you know yeah like Lev Schreiber yeah i'm sure he just told whatever and so she's does this whole thing like what should i do Lev what should i do and his reaction should be wait you found a freaking porter through time what the frick are you talking about where i fall in love i don't give a rat's butt about that it's the porter through time you know how much money we can make of this you're stupid girl i love this i love this you're gonna go for it you really you know what we're gonna be giving about brand new me well clean arry clean arry clean arry that's our new favorite comic is clean arry it's not it is not it is now whoa but what about it okay i don't know how you do an actual podcast audio it would just be people like what oh just like listening to that yeah everybody here's some good cooking tips when grilling an onion and sauteing them getting low and slow is the proper procedure instead of quick and high these are just toys and it's great you might be have ducking oh yeah you have stuff like this early on oh i love stuff like this to me it's like we do so many podcasts and stuff oh yeah you you brought up um uh that we might do ketamine tonight and so i was like oh i'll get smelling salts for our instead yeah i just had these before they're so bad they're horrible it's horrible they're they're horrible especially for guys like us with like the flow like it's real flow yeah it's unfair even flow yeah even feeling feeling i think a pro jam what i think of them yeah i like them but i think that they are overrated overrated i was yet to and i forgot who i was asking when i said that but you have seen them live we saw them live together yeah dude how about that concert lcd sound system when people ask me what are some of my favorite concerts i go lcd sound system with my power arry chiffier apanaro it was one of the coolest performances i've seen live yeah it was so dope blown out on an average of half a hit of molly each on average some other people but what sweetest beach had half technically between two people yeah there's half yeah someone is carrying more of the half of the other yeah i remember something like basketball player like hey how did it feel it's like your first game he goes he's where two points he goes always remembers this as a day me and jordan tino for 63 he's like you're like okay so that's pretty special that's pretty special what a concert though yeah there's glow sticks flying everywhere it was like like the lights were yeah they just were being chucked everywhere it was a bass drop they just flocked it was like graduation you know it was a hatster like it was like that every 45 seconds and then everyone just been down picking up a bunch and then be like ready yeah i got into it because there are so many people that were thrown them our way they're like they're everywhere like it's our job pick them up pick them up and throw them back in the bag yeah exactly yeah oh it's so fun oh death is that way you're gonna win a death second oh dds yeah and i can't speak to their stuff not live i can listen to not live but yeah it's such a like you got to be there it's a moment kind of and everybody comes with those glow sticks and they're constantly bass drops so it's like every their tension like i just want to see yeah yeah you like wait wait lcd does these fake bass drops the bass drop drop drop drop drop down down down down down and pause right before the bass drop like do let it drop for sure do please please please please yeah yeah i mean basically uh dubstep when they're about to that that's basically like edging like if they if they're not like like doing it you're like come on come on lcd teaches you whatever so long yeah like i know yeah i'm but i time to do it just and they keep getting closer and closer actually yeah you're like i get why that wasn't gonna be the bass drop now but this one will be yeah and then still know and then trick you again so i'm back to see that with soda because he was there with us too yeah so before the intermission which they fully say like guys at some point soon probably four more songs we're gonna take a break and poop and pee whatever role we're gonna do it you know how it works you know what we're gonna come out it's not gonna be surprised we can come back out um we do four or five more songs after that if you want to act like we're disappearing yeah if you want to do a fake encore that makes us feel good like if you want to scream lcd sound system while we're taking dumps back i don't know how to get a sound effect i'm gonna eat like some cheeses and crackers for five minutes i'm gonna refuel a little bit yeah but uh we went he was like before the intermission um he starts my way goes i had McDonald's and he's like dude i gotta go so he went home he missed the last two songs before the break and then the whole encore and um so we had a place right by some like barriers you know the fencing yeah the harbor so i can hold on to that so i can really jump and hold my place yep because it's too tight where we were in bonaro it was pretty great because we had plenty space behind us a little comedian section oh dude that that that was so vidgy that was so amazing and right in the middle and also like with everybody's like in their own like like like place where they are it wasn't like no it wasn't like um you get worried like uh just when you're jumping around just in general that somebody is going to run into you or something like if you are ever playing you know someone's feet about it i'm really sorry you're jumping up you don't know how to come down at the exact same spot right you're losing it yeah you're having a good time yeah but anyway i'm doing that i'm jumping up and he's like where are your friends tonight where and i'm like well mine are taking a dump because mine can't stop eating McDonald's but i'm sure everyone else here friends are right here with them all right so you're gonna really leave the els and he sounds this before the encore all right bro so oh my god it's all right i still love him so ders we need the poo and ronnie dangerfield are my favorite by the way i have a state of rotation i've seen a shapel his voice dangerfield you've never seen him do that no oh dude it's a it's a classic it's it's so good oh my god i'm not even gonna do it he was on a previous episode so german wonders where did it we'll either insert the clip here or go back and watch the whole soda episode it's so good insert insert insert insert insert i think we need to do that yeah that's like always i find the voices is doing like woke danger field is one of my favorite things to do around that's great hey i'm telling you you know who does it get in respect to woman of color yeah you know man white man that's the real problem i'm telling you i am one and i like it oh boy i got privilege you want to know about privilege i can have a rental car car i won't even pull me over that answer was brought to you by rishafir to mannegan insert guys we need an insert who better to call than rishafir hold the manager inserts and get it inserted call arry for all your inserts hi uh arry i was thinking about getting an insert uh who's stopping you right now um well uh just time and um and also uh just the skills to to look it up and download it and rip it okay what i'm hearing is you want an insert but stuff's holding you back yeah time time okay effort time effort yeah well can't smell peace without ass so what i'm telling you is you go ahead and put that insert in yeah yeah huh thanks arry you welcome arry's insert it's arry's insert oh you really see you know what i really really you have no idea how much i appreciate that because you know this about me i commit to whatever bit that i go down to do so we're gonna kill that guy you really stab at him and it's like wait what and you're like yeah we're gonna kill him yeah you look the blood off your hands i remember that that was like that my turn yeah dude yeah i'm a big uh i'm a big leaf shriper kind of swore dude uh one of uh another good memory i have with you yeah is uh we're at salvakana's wedding yeah and we were out on that uh that lake and all of a sudden so we're rowing in this boat on this lake there's like downtime there's activities and different stuff what a good wedding best wedding probably i'll ever go to dude i think really well i legitimately i felt kind of bad telling my wife about that wedding because i have skipped so many of her friends weddings they were yeah and then she's like so was it good i was like yeah she's like what'd you do i was like do you really want to know so much i was like you know what i was like there was literally activities where one of the the things on the opening night opening night this pre karaoke this is everything okay there was a uh basically a game uh it was a it was a child camp yeah it was a summer camp that we went off summer time off summer so punks everything like that there's a scavenger hunt there was a list of things that you had to find in a certain amount of time you're paired up with different comedians and their significant others if they happen to be there there's a lot of like comedians who were rolling solo that's why my wife was like i don't think it's gonna be like that you know you should never bring your boyfriend girlfriend you just shouldn't it's comedian wedding it's like this isn't one of those weddings if it's if it's a comedian who's getting married it's like it's kind of yeah comics are gonna want to let loose you shouldn't you shouldn't have to bring your wife plus a lot of those guys hater who breaking news from our issue here yeah i brought my boyfriend but only because like he's cool because he's actually a funny cop okay he fits two boxes dude so they're a scavenger hunt we're sorry great they're so cool they're scavenger hunt i don't know on a campground and also the the winner got like a playstation or something you know something crazy oh yeah something crazy winning seems to go into teams and so great so one was like one was like a row in the lake do a cannonball so you had to find a pool uh find a swing swing out three times take a picture of you to show you did it yes things like that or find a hidden thing sometimes is that but on this scavenger hunt the extra detail a bunch of mic Myers and Jason jason jason jason and Freddy kers were walking around with machetes yep they would try to kill you yeah if they touched you that was considered you dying and you had to go back and respawn to the freaking base level that was way far away far away so it was like it really we were just like and people got into it so much because they couldn't actually kill you they got so much they were like they accepted that it was a negative to the game of the severe negative so they'd react like no when one came it was amazing and they were just slowly walked in like oh my god here comes one at some point somebody goes well they can't run so just let's go away from them and then i guess a Freddy heard that he just started sprinting out yep they're like oh no it was a mic Myers it was legitimately scary like because you got so competitive and in the moment where like some of them actually started coming after you and i was like oh somebody is going to like tear an AC hell of a short like someone must have turned an ankle probably someone must have yeah yeah i do it i was so how's it Paul Veerzi and he was like my teammate along with some other comics yeah and i i don't know what happened but on the one where you had to jump in the pool and take a video of it his phone literally froze no while i recorded the video and i felt so bad i'm like dude it didn't record he goes what what do you mean then record i jumped into the pool cold night it's freezing out and like so he had to do it again and he's like it's all good i'll just do it again but like i felt so bad i'm like it's not here i've ruined it you see one coming and it's chasing another group and you're like they're going for that so they go that way let's run and do the thing and they see you coming they turn around because they know what the clues are but they know why's everyone going to this this hammock i know what's going to this hammock so they were just like mill around the hammock it's kind of like um if you ever played like gold knight or uh like those screen lookers you know what i mean like you'd see certain things or like you'd look on their corner of the screen before you pop around the corner and shoot them and then they get screen lookers like it's like those people on the campgrounds are like hey hey that's working over there we got to go do that as well uh yeah and it racked up different points and stuff like that it was literally like it was a living video game god it was so for hours it went on for hours yeah one of our we lost our group we all got separated was just run let's go we'll find each other there we had to take a rowboat and it was like getting the rowboat row little so we started row little and they're like what's coming what's coming we couldn't get out far else can we get to go like the center or something and like let's go it's going to act with it you know we rode back like now and then we get out and it was like it was just some guy he was like oh i guess the wedding light what are you guys i'll do it yeah yeah i thought you were freddy you're like no i'm wearing khakis can i hang out with you guys like no no you have to go respawn you have to go check out respawn don't worry about it that's a good one what was your memory oh so let's get into this memory right after these ad reads it started chair my wonders is brought to you by manscaped manscaped flagship product the lawnmower 4.0 trimmer has been saving guys you can pause you for a second here yeah you start again you better i'm not gonna be ahead you better not be tricking me in the end word now go ahead start over i'm just being this halfway through i'm like oh you mother rigor okay well you're getting close there easy with that figure okay mother lover that was um and by the way they said we 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to be actually picked up at a pharmacy in person uh and the pharmacist is a very attractive woman yeah um and then the box also says in giant red letters i have small pp look at me me um well you could all uh constantly go to gas stations and get uh pills that way and then just act like that's your normal penis size i saw it on an episode of curbing your enthusiasm well basically he went on a first date and the premise was that he took a boner pill and she was really impressed with the size of him and then she found out later that he was juicing and she broke it off with him because she thought that was his baseline oh yeah okay okay all right how about you fax us uh some photos of your penis oh no no fax us uh your penis and then we can assess whether or not it's a serious issue whether we need to overnight it or not if you can fit it on there that'd be great oh so this is the memory that i have of you that i really like at that wedding uh not outside of that just the whole wedding was fun we want to hike and stuff outside of that but you did something magical that i saw you do that i've never seen somebody do we're rowing in the middle of the lake and already goes uh i think it's a turtle sounds like me something i would say in the way i would say it i think it's a turtle he took the ore and he literally went like this and scooped up a turtle out of the water like it was nothing like he was grabbing a hot pizza out of another that was really well started and he said it inside the boat and i lost it because it's like how did you just do it was swimming and he just goes oh there's a turtle scooped it with a flat or a scooper it was amazing thanks and then we named the turtle soup yep the turtle he named the turtle soup and we paraded around the wedding for as long as we could and then we set a phrase that's right you put it down here like sweet see i'm going back to the water but we're gonna show you off to a few more people we take some pictures of stuff yeah we must have a picture of uh of soup the turtle somewhere and i'm not saying this lightly germaya oh no no no no no no no that's an insert oh no that's an insert that's an insert okay this insert was brought to you by our he's always there with the insert i hope you enjoy that it's sort of soup turtle doesn't get inserted um now i do have to find a picture of soup it's somewhere on our instagram it's somewhere on our instagram oh yeah it's i know for a fact it's somewhere on yeah we can hold some posts like that how can we come on we found a turtle we named a soup it was great wildlife taming the wildlife taming the wild who is the i can't say worst podcast because we were had who was the wildest here the wildest way that you would like people to go for it who oh who goes for it yeah Pete Holmes is up there Pete Holmes he will freaking i mean he freaking will riff for days he is a riffer but i gotta say yeah you're doing phenomenal well i appreciate it no no you're going for it you're leaning into the format and i really appreciate it and love you for that thank you tj would be a good one for you if Pete Holmes was good tj miller would also be quite good i'm sure he'd be great he did stand up on the spot like forever ago i second said he and he was so good at that that's already what he does yeah you know it's already what he does yeah it's like a magic if you don't settle like hey my whole thing is whatever right yeah yeah he just went for it yeah you were actually one of the first people who i remember at uh because the show's been going on now for like like almost 12 years now wow yeah and you were one of the first comics who did it where i had some other comics in the scene they're like how'd you get already should fear oh really yeah that was like one of the first ones where people were like dude that's awesome how'd you get already i was like i hit him up and i told him the premise he said he'd be down to do it it's so funny to it i get hit up by your comics in those spots and like a lot of times on the road i can't do it yeah or it's a Friday night you're talking about going to Brooklyn i'm like i'll be in New York City proper like right i'm doing the club circuit on a Friday night yeah there's always chill and nice but like they're like sorry for bothering me and i used to book a show i still do something i remember when you're getting started how you're immediately assuming just bothering people comics you're comics we like stage time we like it every comic like stage time so you're not bugging them they might be like no i'm not gonna do it but like you know the worst case worst case they just ignore it because they either didn't see it or they're never offended by it or they're never offended by hey i like you as a comic i'm going to i'm wanting to you to be a part of something that i'm producing and putting effort into it's a compliment yeah yeah you want to do that was like you're sweet yeah it was in the bellyward to start no no second city on hollywood that's how long it was second city yeah yeah second city is not even they just closed it down the pandemic took it out it was a bomb oh damn because i like it went down everybody's like sweet second city that's too bad yeah i was i was bound by that that's because that's where i actually met my wife was at that second city she was begging for change out front i remember that yeah you remember that yeah she had poop all over her like pantaloons and stuff and it was like and it was i don't want you know i don't want to be right bald and uh and i remember that you're like let's clean up you can do a good dude you can do a good you should be happy yeah yeah she does clean up nice yeah yeah yeah i mean legit i like to run off where yeah we had a kid together it's called urine cheeks because they're chis so full of urine she would drink urine it was so weird but she did different nickels she had a lot of nickels she had a lot of nickels we did call her urine cheeks yeah we did all your things you go why whoa oh and you just spray your own the funniest bit takes ever the funniest bit takes ever the funniest bit takes ever but man you know just left so you love a good urine cheeks yeah yeah she's a really good improv partner yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah skipper and good things got real bad good foraging for food oh yeah oh yeah no she was the hunter out of the relationship yeah yeah definitely yeah uh gregal gainice we called her for such good dumpster diver remember that i believe it or not i love that reference that's a good reference look at this yeah that's how good a diver he was is that he's still still the reference he's still the diving reference and this how you mentally challenged people have been on tv corky is still the guy people reference from a show life goes on or whatever it was yeah still like corky there's no other of course not more famous anyway down to people um let me talk about oh second city yeah yeah yeah yeah those were good shows there they were so dude they were so fun show i packed it out with people i would i would go to all the different classes at second city and i would give flyers and i was like hey with your student idea you get in for one dollar so come to the show it's i'm literally booking the best comics in town and they're like okay yeah i'll go that yeah that's right that's right it was improv performers would come up because it is different they're overlapping it's different yeah so the audience they're uh sometimes a better audience than a stand-up crowd because they're more supportive they're like wow this is amazing yeah right yeah i remember how hard it was to get people to come to a show and i like it'd be like no cover free beer dude you had to incentivize them so much just to get them before like we had no value any kind before the podcast boom helped like with shows yeah it helped all stand up before that it was just like please then you were asked to somebody like can you come to my show then they're like i don't know man like i've been to a stand-up show before and it was pretty rough i got it was bad i saw my monitor he said he actually took my improv and he goes dude bad improv is some of the worst is the things you've ever seen in your life it's offensive it makes you put in a terrible place it was good improv though it's amazing but bad improv he goes and most of it is bad uh one of my favorite quotes about improv i think it's my buddy chris edward too who said this he goes so please stand up uh comedians when you see them bomb on stage is one person failing and why improv is worse is it's a group of people failing together it's a little bit more sad because it's so much sadder because it's a group yeah they're everybody's failing at the same time so it's way harder to watch that's like so much cringier like and stand up you can always comment on the bomb with improv you're supposed to be like huh so anyway dad's late again for dinner i don't know what's going on here there's like no i'm gonna brush my teeth i'm still make brush my teeth i can't know you're not you're not brushing your teeth that's a squirrel in your hand oh what what um now are you one good memory of hump in a christmas tree where was that that was the improv lab improv lab there are photos of that oh no what's the matter oh no i mentioned a photo that i may not sorry nobody no big deal mention a photo you just mention a photo in fact answer that moment that that caught picking picture now uh are you uh somebody that you know you've known her for over the years um she's not your biggest fan oh uh she has actually been waiting to talk to you um on the show okay uh i'm she's right over there behind she's been waiting the corner actually uh this where she lives oh oh so i'm gonna go grab real quick come on are you ready you're okay wow if it is an arishia fear it's me feminist stacy nice to see you again not oh i wasn't reading her sarcasm until you said that feminist stacy listen it's odd that you have such a Donald Trump voice with such a feminist a beautiful what do you mean i mean it sounds like you're doing a trumpet pressure no if i wanted to do a trumpet impression it would be good let's hear if i'm a stacy i think girls can do anything oh girls can't do anything so i'll tell you right now okay this is more of a Donald Trump right here you're now you're stacy listen you're very stupid you're pathetic arish you're offensive there's a lot of people that don't like you black people don't like it the whole kobe thing it was what i thought i was a catastrophe i thought i was a kid you're a dude you're such a pussy that's what you are say that's what it would be like if i did Trump you douche okay fair enough what i said it's a good of trumpet pressure thank you you're welcome your talented tracy now my name's stacy are all women the same to you in certain ways what do you mean shiny lights shiny lights with any the shining lights of example of how to be a better person go on you know you can look to women generally and say hey what can i be doing better with my life you look to someone who's forgiving and it reaches out tries to like help everyone like women do they're nurturing age of aquarius and we run by women and i just like you look at them and you're not how's it going now you don't listen i can't hear it right now but you're a worthless piece of garbage did you just reverse cowgirl me what the hell are you doing right now i almost fell in love with you you what happened do you think i want to flash i said loser like you how dare you i mean a big honkers big nice globes bazookas you got nothing what do you got a corn lady i got b cups with attitude and i tape them down with band-aids because i don't want pigs like you seeing my area all that no one's looking at you trace yes they are my name stacy quick calling me tracing sorry you are a pig of a man and i am so glad that i popped out of that corner and i got to say my two cents are you stupid idiot at least a pig has a cute tail you got nothing going for you oh yeah well at least a pig has tits like you you man-booped big-nosed bitch yeah what's last we got laid macy my name is stacy how hard is it to remember that i'm so sorry we're like lacy i swear to god if you don't respect me as a woman as you're equal i will go over there and i will shove that microphone down your pants rip it out your penis and say oh is this thing on i don't think so because there is no penis there to begin with wow you're starting violence essentially how you use the tools of the house what do you mean the master we are men the masters we're not the master point out what you make less than us loser that is not because we want that we are working on it who gets ready for men and women women lose i will rape you right now just changes the statistics on life yeah and you think you're faster than you i will rape you right now try it loser i will come on bring it jacy no i'm being raped i'm being literally raped oh no no i can't hear how does it feel to be the one as the rapey huh you make strong man how's it feel to be raped huh not great although when i orgasm your mouth when i skull fd you it's not pretty good rich your mouth out man you were pretty strong there yeah it's kind of good wasn't it maybe i misjudged you maybe i misjudged you you got a big hunker between your legs being a hunker thanks that's a jewish thing oh is it lime what lime oh lahama he said lime no yeah no it tastes like lime most salty okay yeah the lime the lime lime so so so what are we now well we're you're racy you know so that's not exactly stacy i know but like that's that's how i was like an attention like okay well so what do we do from here i don't know you hate me well because you're very there's a lot of things that are wrong with you like you say things that like how men and women aren't equal and it's really frustrating and you should learn don't you feel like you're on the way up a man or controlling this narrative ever since i raped do i do feel like i'm controlling the narrative oh yeah well that's what men do all the time and i think women need a bigger piece of the pie and in fact if you want to go to the kitchen cook me pie i would love it i swear to god i would do again oh my god this is the answer i swear no no no okay oh no come on oh no come on i'll get it out no i'll get it oh my god you are wild you are wild had enough i guess so i'm gonna start calling it jacie for jesus christ because wow guess who i'm a curse i apologize guess who showed who i got to go back to my corner your lair i live in the corner over the ground here you sure i'm adulted up much because women don't have to doll things up they can live like bats and trees and stuff like that they don't have to put a makeup on all the time that's the men trying to put down women in society in the little box we can be trolls and bridge creatures as well just like you men i don't think you can if you can always take turn the heat up it's too cold in here too cold in here every office base i swear cardigans i smaller bones structure than you i might be a little bit colder do you think it can answer a question yeah do you think a trans woman has gone through this who converted it 20 had the same experience with the first period that you did that's it easy by take your seat she's gone hey who's that check dude she's been living in my garage for a while and every time i open the door like i think she's sleeping but then she opens her eyes like it's terrifying yeah that's tough yeah that's tough we got a big garage at least it's a you know just don't look up in that corner it's just a little it's a little bit scary up there oh yeah yeah what is all this our young arry yeah hey lights yeah not that he's not that like how is how is your electricity working in what is electricity electricity if you were flying a kite you understand young arry you have a tag sticking out of the back of um the very do you see that that's my younger oh that's your own good oh no it's a tag to younger clip oh jean okay yeah you talked to them you look great yeah it's a whole young person oh man wow young arry you you look great i mean and you i mean you've got your what are they called the locks what are they called paios yeah yeah when you're studying and you look like something to do yeah silly not to grind these out for a while yeah they look good yeah this is amazing yeah so what do you just like sit here and talk to people yeah that's essentially what we do what you're shiva do go to bless you what is shiva did you go to shiva uh for pinnacle wait a minute you're jewish aren't you hey hey bud how are you good it's great to see you it's good to see it yeah um this is fun out here it's a lot of fun out here yeah the world anything's possible for me it might my upbringing yeah me as well yeah what do you think we could do with our lives i think we can pretty much do anything we want our lawyer maybe even diamond importer exporter let's not get crazy maybe we could be doctors we could be doctors we'd be doctors yeah if we wanted to go that way okay i could definitely be a doctor like dr singer my neighborhood and dr titlebound he's also a good doctor and like block do you think we're gonna have girlfriends all right we'll have wives for sure oh yeah wives yeah oh you're losing your hand no i know this here i'll be here forever wait a second oh yeah oh you're not able to hear oh are you losing your hair of that that's offensive okay so just give me a list for no reason i hope people are we all right all right this is my this is oh yeah actually we are in bread so we are falling apart then no i can't imagine i'll ever lose my hair this these locks i mean they do look pretty fresh yeah yeah pretty fresh yeah so what are you doing for your bar mitzvah what's it what thing are you gonna gonna do for your bar mitzvah i'm going under the sea under yeah and no shellfish will be allowed but we'll have salmon that's a little ironic isn't it why is that why would it be under the sea but there's no shellfish because shellfish do live under the sea mmm when i'm just doing kosher stuff okay shellfish you don't want to do like a baseball team or anything like that you totally do baseball thing i wanted it lean towards like one or the other i was gonna do like a Chicago ball thing for mine that's not a bad idea could we make me do that yeah go go join you do a joint bar mitzvah you do one i said i'd have a member for thank you i know this why would somebody do a joint i mean there's no reason for it you wouldn't say but we could do two weekends in a row and just keep it going like a week long party like i'd write everybody i'd write everybody invite everybody get everybody down there candy a caricature artist split the money split the money would you how well your family yeah what do you um my uncle's a managing law partner law firm my uncle is an accountant well i would just keep the money separate i think we should split it you think so yeah i think our boat bar families come from good money places yeah my my aunt married very wealthy i'm minded too taxidermist um i think that might get in the way of us doing a joint thing because i kind of i was gonna pay for my college yeah me too it's gonna be perfect joint bar mitzvah it's brilliant nobody's ever done before no one has done it before i would like that part but yeah splitting the money's gonna be a real sticking point it sounds like a pretty fun thing for me to do and you yeah yeah why don't we do a week long why don't we just keep like mari gua what like mari gua what's i've never heard of that mari gua what's mari gua what's mari gua it's like in louisiana there's like beads and stuff that he's in the world i've only heard of new york california in chicago he never and miami louisiana has cajun people uh what have you ever had a spicy food and you're like wow where does it come from yeah pickles and such those people really yeah they make those spicy pickles blacks are we talking about blacks when you say those people you say they're parents and uncles and it's however you interpret it really black people okay so they're making the spicy food they make the spicy foods i thought it was the deli oh no who made the spicy pickles no it was from blacks black people to the deli or make the pickles very spicy and they play football basketball very talented nothing should hold them back anyway yeah join my mentor we have a caricature artist we could do that we could do half under the we could do chicago bulls under the sea coco bulls under the sea yeah maybe everyone puts on a mermaid okay wait a second i don't want to be racist but black people and what do not mix yes michael jordan under the sea i don't think so mister well that's a we'll come in and be the chicago bulls also bulls themselves we're drowning in the sea oh this is becoming a little bit too complex it really is plus that money issue i don't see how we're gonna work that out yeah you come from upper middle class trash okay as i come from upper class trash no well what's your dad make 200k here well are you okay i'm sorry i got choked up when i heard of the the poverty is you on welfare don't say the welfare don't say the ones don't say the food stamp thing around me i'm my mom said that your dad will never count amount to anything more than a simple accountant at a high level firm you take that back right now that's what my mommy said you take that back well if she said it i'm not gonna call my mommy a lawyer yeah my mom said about your dad what even though he's a practicing doctor yeah that practice is never gonna make perfect so take that practice but doesn't practice make perfect it usually does but in this case it would never will well i've been studying i'm gonna make zero mistakes for a month so i well i'm gonna get back in my time machine i don't know about you yeah i don't like this world at all i don't like it either i don't like you i don't like you a that i don't like me to the time machine okay um all right um i don't know what happened but somehow some other kid teleported into my seat i'm not even jewish what i'm not jewish kid not me out near the time machine over there oh he jumped into my seat it was time or better what's for my childhood he does stuff like that so you knew who that was yeah he comes to trash upper middle class upper middle class okay that's what i that's the vibe i kind of got i think his dad drove like a little leveling a sob yeah disgusting um well uh we're gonna round it out with this final segment okay it's called sax talk so are you gonna share a story of sexual encounter and i'm gonna play some sweet sweet sex along with him whenever you're ready or you i will follow you along with this saxophone i was at the university of maryland and i saw a woman called her rock since human sexuality class and i was like man that might be the hottest girl i've ever seen in my life and i was too embarrassed to talk to her one day my friend andrew gay andrew so homosexual man said i'm gonna tell you like her i'm like no no don't do that but that's exactly what it did and she came over and she sure i'll go out with you and she was so hot she was out of my league the first person's ever been out of my league that i talked to she was bisexual which is not a curse word but it was exciting back then you have sex with boys and girls here i am i've only had sex with one person a girl she took me back to her place she led the way she was the leader of the group she was the boss she knew what time it was and i was just guessing on a on a sundial she's not gonna make you a man today and i said i'm already a man she goes not the way i want you to be she put two hands up like she was a diver and dove down and gobbled up my thing i mean buried to the ball to the hilt to the hilt to the sword i it blew my mind and that's all i blew yep a shot a bunch of soup just came out of me and i couldn't control it anymore she said that's all you got i go oh i'm 19 i'll be hard again in four minutes we rocked it for hours hours and hours the thing bunches kept moving back and forth oh my god i came three times we sat there and uh she lit up a cigarette which i thought was wild at the time i was like why are you smoking she's so adult i was 19 she was so adult and i was like we were like our friend and she goes what what we just met tonight i was crushed i was like we mean i thought three heads i mean we just did all that for like hours and she was like hey man i you just that was okay and all but it crushed me it legitimately crushed me and i jumped down from the bed and her bottom bunkmate was there i was like what you were here the whole time so we were up there just rocking it for hours you were just here being quiet and she was like you didn't rock it that hard and there's only 20 minutes i barely felt anything i didn't feel good at all i went back to my my own dorm and uh i just kind of cried myself to sleep that night and that that was the last time i ever talked to my sister she was a bottom bookmate well germany i um wrote back a lot of pain from memories i'm excited that he's not cuss do that i'm actually pretty freaking impressed with you oh yeah yeah how's that i mean that's a feat yeah to do that the whole podcast oh oh not cursing me i thought yeah the sex there i was like how yeah it was hard oh no i saw you like actively censoring and it brought it brought me a lot of joy because i'm like this is so funny i've done that in so long just radio anymore right i'm so long i've like wait which by the way on the show i never have ever said to somebody like hey can we keep a ton on our channel i've never said that i'm always like do whatever you want oh my god i'll go with you wherever you want to go do you have a curse you know it's weird for me like because i do have that up uh that like upbringing like where it was like if you cuss you go to hell and i still have like a little bit of that like of that like that clause in me a little bit and um even though it's silly it's like um as characters all spit you know what i mean i go like if i'm in a character it doesn't matter but me is jeremiah it makes it gives me this like queasy feeling it's so weird how to stuff that we're raised with will not leave us it just will not leave us it's so difficult for it to leave yeah um i know you have some questions um with uh what's what's called from from guests as me like questions or some like typical questions oh yeah um this is uh this is called fanning out fanning out of the questions from this okay let's hear whatever you got um this one comes with uh from a lot of people in the internet and a lot of people send this question unanimously in and the question is are you friends with big j damn wow uh well honestly if you'd asked me that six months ago i would have said yeah for sure but um j and i um i have had our outs he was i hate to i hate public fights but like we were all smoking weed and i get that certain people get high but like it was back and forth and back and forth and then i just stayed on him and i and he tells you stories that go forever which is fine i could have used some weed to get me through that story and the fact that he wouldn't share it with me it's like honestly i don't know who he is anymore i don't know who he is anymore and i don't think i'm front of them now and i think a lot of those guys are just like you know they're boogards or we had to claim their their their pot heads but they're boogards and it's just like i've come a long way in my life and my story and my my travels my my my path and i think those guys aren't so no i don't think i'm friends with big j anymore okay well that's um an odd way to end uh the podcast uh um love you big j yeah it's like an escape fest i went to that and they were just like boogards they were all just boogards of weed none of them shared they all just smoked and held it smoked and held it did you just learn the word boogard yeah yeah i did some guy was hogging the the dictionary this is source he was bo guarding the dictionary yeah i looked at hogging in the thistory slash dictionary boogard was there yeah and all those fans they're just bad fans the legion of skanks fans are bad okay i know what your experience with them i i have a good experience with them really yeah i do they've passed to you they've offered you drugs many times well all right yeah shout out to Dave Smith and Lewis j Gomez and big jivers and um and uh check out skank fest in vegas this year uh it'll probably it's for sure gonna be a really good time what will we see there all right that's skank fest vegas no you will not first of all sin city good luck getting me there no you're you're luditunes if you think all right good old christian archer fear will not be there clean are you will not be it's getting better love you brother thank you so much for doing the plot you're welcome thanks for having me where's my payment