The feminist Stacy t-shirt is only available for one more week go get yours now at Jeremiah Watkins calm That's right guys. Ha ha what up? You can find me in St. Louis Nelly coming at you because I'm in St.
Louis right now about to go do a couple more stand-up shows with Tony Henscliffe and Brian Red Van We did a kill Tony here on Thursday, and it was a lot of fun my character Jack the Ripper He made an appearance you're gonna you're gonna like that guy How's your guys weeks, huh? Did you have a good week? I'm recording this in my hotel room in St. Louis And yeah, I got hooked up with some barbecue earlier today from a place called sugar fire in St.
Louis And it was pretty phenomenal. Thank you Nathan girl stat for hooking that up. He knew the owner he designed that restaurant He's an architecture that we met at the show the other night and he said he took up up with some barbecue And it was quite good and I'm a barbecue snobbing from Kansas City, and it was amazing So yeah guys we have a new sponsor this week very excited for our new sponsor And I'm gonna do the the copy that they sent me right now. I'm so excited guys here we go Tired of film podcast reading you like you haven't seen the movie spoilers the one with the exclamation point and cerebral logo is just the place for you They are unfamous friends from the Midwest breaking down your favorite movies old and new which trivia games at the end You can find them at podcast spoilers on Instagram and wherever you listen to great podcast like Jeremiah wonders that spoilers the one with the exclamation point Yeah, check out the spoilers podcast guys at podcast spoilers on Instagram tell them you boy sent you give them a follow Let them know that this ad is working for them.
It's it's cool that another I'm gonna plug another podcast for the sponsor This week so check out that podcast and let me know what you think yeah guys I also want to think the the other sponsors of the show speed we Bronx more pizza and mention music in our new sponsor caveman coffee at K-man coffee co on Instagram and social media at Bronx more pizza mention music and at speed we don't Twitter We got speed we got a man want a delivery We got a pizza for you that's in Bend, Oregon or you can go out get that gray block hit it and Santa Monica's the oven says That they run by the same company mentioned music on the East Coast and yeah caveman coffee my wife loves it Thank you tape if you're a company They would like to sponsor the show email Jeremiah wonders at gmail.com if you are a listener that wants to support the show You can do that by pay palling Jeremiah wonders at gmail.com or by going to Jeremiah wonders calm There's a PayPal donation button at the bottom of the page and every amount is appreciated by the way I revamped Jeremiah wonders.com so please go there and check that out There's a new episode links guide very similar to kill Tony TV where you can find all the episode and characters list there So that's a pretty cool all episodes in one place at Jeremiah wonders calm If you can't donate to the PayPal guys What would help me is if you go over to iTunes and leave a five-star rating and review this podcast, you know come on We're at four hundred fifty seven reviews I love you get a 500 views in the next month You know there's thousands of you out there and listen to the show you come up to me all the time when I'm on the road Tell you about how much you like it which I absolutely love keep doing that So I love the reviews to reflect how many you guys are out there kinds of challenge letters keep sending them I love reading them on the show had how do you guys like me reading them within the episode with a guest now? It's a new thing that I'm doing I think I like it keep sending those letters artwork if you want to be featured at the end of the YouTube page Send them do some artwork of me and maybe mean the guest and they'll be featured at the end of the YouTube episode and music submissions You can also send those to Jeremiah wonders at gmail.com Tim Dylan is the guest today. He was visiting from New York He man this guy. He's phenomenal.
He's one of those guys who he has a lot of heat on him as they say in the industry Kind of a gross term, but he's got it He's a funny dude and there is reason for it. He's putting out a lot of semi-viral videos right now You'll get that reference a little bit later in the episode. He's just on the Joe Rogan experience And he may have seen one of his uh, his specials on Netflix He just put out a 15 minute special a quarter hour on Netflix would definitely go check that out and yeah guys I think you're gonna have a lot of fun We did a lot of characters. We've been taking character suggestions along with the questions lately Which I've been really enjoying and kind of makes it more unique and special to my podcast So which I have been enjoying quite a bit got some tour dates coming up here guys April 9th and 23rd come to stand up on the spot here in Los Angeles.
Yes, Jeffrey Ross burning shob and more on those shows. It's gonna be awesome That's on April 9th. I also got a big surprise guess who's never done the show on April 9th that I haven't announced yet So get tickets of that at standup on the spot calm and And also April 24th through 27. They'll be back in Austin, Texas at moon tower and then May 2nd in Huntington Beach outside of LA I'll be headlining the rec room pat ragan and I have some very very good news to share soon that we can't yet um and also Outside of that other good news our album is coming out very soon and we're about to be allowed to announce when it drops But it's literally in the next couple months and I could not be more excited for it to finally be out Gotta think my pal gage to yourina.
He does the audio and video at any of this podcast You gotta check out the show on youtube if you haven't yet to see what the video production is going into this I mean it is so impressive and I just love what he was doing with the show. It's so good And you know all guys you can actually catch gage freaking doing standup the weekend of April 11th Weekend that weekend in forward, Texas and you can follow him on social media. It's at gage tiering is that right gage g-a-g-e t-i-j-e-r-i-n-a He has a gun in my head right now. I'm very I'm sweating bullets.
He always guys He threatens me if I don't read his tortoise at the end of this and give him a plug. He he's a very violent man But go see him live. He's hilarious, but he's so vile. He's also he's very funny.
He's very funny. He's a good good good friend of the show Hope you enjoyed this episode. It's with Tim Dillon Uh, let me know what you've been thinking of the show guys keep submitting those kinds of challenge letters One thing that that I did real quick for I give you this episode After we got delivered that barbecue from sugar fire We um, made sure that we didn't destroy it because we had a lot of leftovers And I gave it to the concierge and one of the other workers at the hotel Because they were like you best not be ordering sugar fire around here without you sharing it I was like I'll share with you and she was kind of like mmm And uh, I came up with her with like a full bag of like ribs and brisket and pulled pork and she and another friend got a bunch out of it So, um, you know somebody's nice hooked up me and Tony and Red Band up with barbecue And I immediately tried to pay for it to somebody else so they can enjoy it too because we were gonna be able to eat all that Little things like that. That's what the kindness challenge is all about So keep spreading positivity kindness everywhere and it's gonna make the world a better place I promise you without further ado.
Let's get into this episode with my pal Tim Dillon on jeremywinners As an effeminate gay man or as a woman I'd have three shows. Yeah. Yeah, but you're you're uh, you're a manly gay man Well, this is the problem people don't want that they don't want that they don't want to watch tv and go maybe i'm gay What is this what's going on? What's happened that guy is too much like me?
This is insane How did I didn't know they came like that this is disturbing How am I relating to this guy so much my agent always says it would be funny if like I was booked as diversity At like a festival and I came out and they were like, yeah, we're diverse We got this guy and I came out like well trumpets. I'm good points. Like these heads are exploding Dishorrible like this was a nightmare. Yeah, Tim Dillon in the house.
Thank you for having me all the way from New York City But then mean to have you on for a while buddy. Yeah, man. I appreciate it. I'm coming out to LA more and more now I'm just uh, I'm getting bored in New York So I like that I'm coming out a lot and then I'll probably maybe pull the trigger and live here Oh, yeah, yeah, you digging it.
I'm digging it. I'm just I don't know I'm digging by coast I'm thinking like to in both the by coastal thing. I mean because I love it's pretty fun I love New York and they've got a lot of great shows and meatballs and Italian food You got a good meatball place? I got all the meatballs You know the best meatball places your friends house whose whose grandmother is still alive.
Yeah, I mean that's the most I mean that's kind of how it is with like, you know, I've got Mexican buddies in LA Yeah, like if you go over there like their mom or dad's cooking is better than a lot of the stands right here Yeah, that's awesome. That's so good. Yeah, my buddy. Uh, have you ever been eating during an ice raid or you have to be like This is really awkward.
This is so good and I feel very bad. No, or will you be offended if I finish the taco right now? Just eating at me like god, this is this is rough. Hey, uh, when will you be bad?
Because I want seconds. Yeah, I love this I mean I do respect the law by this is a great torta He's so buzzer amazing Yeah, uh, jolberg from the kill Tony band. Uh, I went over to his place and his dad made me some of the best tacos I've ever had interest in and it was just like literally like a couple pounds of meat in a frying pan that like not much seasoning that He said he got it from a butcher that he knows and then he just like put it like on these like little taco shells It's like the best food is peasant food, you know, I mean that I don't mean that disrespect for me like peasant culture Meaning cultures that don't have a lot of high-end ingredients have to really get creative with the shit They have and this is the truth. That's why a lot of great French food Some of it is really good at high-end but a lot of it is like that good Bistro kind of like french onion soup like hunks of bread and stews and things that you can make if you didn't have a lot of fucking money Some good just french bread sometimes whenever you eat it.
You're like, how is this just bread? Absolutely And you know, it's like uh, you know, it's one of those things. Yeah, maybe working a long time many generations Very good. You know, we work in three four hours a week and that is enough.
We're not like a medic in six No, we do not need the 40 hours. Yeah, it's not for us. It's not a you know, I've never Was able here by myself, you know, maybe paint a little bit maybe cook some bread and you know, that's a good week And they're so relaxed. Yeah, they're pains.
I've never seen really a super uptight French person before no I I've never met a French person who was like really anal. Yeah, they're all kind of from what but I'm sure they're out there and exist But a lot of those cultures are more they're relaxed. Yeah, America's a real Find something and choke it to death and fuck its corpse and that's our culture That's really our culture and will something in the United States of America Kill something and fuck its corpse and derive your power from that and some of other cultures out there They've been around a little longer. Just like yeah, we've been here a little bit.
We're just gonna chill and have soup Yeah, we're just gonna relax. What's your favorite soup my soup the one that I very great. It was a good question I can do three or four hours on this um welcome to soup talk Welcome back to you at the talk with it's done if it's done well and it's done with a little hint of sherry and cream I think a lobster bisque. Okay is a real champagne of soups.
It's really phenomenal Now you probably have not had lobster you're raising Kansas. Yeah, I imagine that there's a wealth experience if you've not had I've had lobster bisque Just going on the road. Oh, okay good. We're like we're never going to road with Tony like he'll be like you haven't tried this Right.
Yeah, you gotta try it like yeah, but I love a French onion. There's a lot of things I love Um, what about a what about a 15 bean soup? You ever had one of those? I mean so that sounds like to me that sounds like a prison That's a that's a poor person's food that I grew up with I didn't know there were 15 different kinds of beans There's 15 beans man.
We got 15 guys amazing. That's a city in Kansas. Yeah, man We got we got 15 beans soup. They call it 15 beans soup I mean my mom calls it that what a living hell a lot of people went through in their lives I really feel privileged every time someone else opens their mouth and I realized the absolute hell that most people just went through Were you were you raised in a wealthy household?
It wasn't wealthy. No, and you might we had a pool We had an it was an in-ground pool, but you keep with six feet so you had to dive like out You had to dive horizontally otherwise you'd crack your head But my friends have like 15 foot pools and that you could just literally just dive and just fucking oh to be on the other side of the tracks Yeah, bigger pool and it was tough You know my parents didn't have they they didn't have a lot of money that they earned but they did the right thing and they Morgaged themselves and yeah spent you know they went into substantial debt so that we could live alive and I appreciate that You know, but that's what the baby boomers did and that's why you know societies Maybe you know 15 or 20 years out from collapsing, but it's so nice to have a pool. I mean, I'm sure it was nice to have a pool I'm sure why and it was like it was like and it was not an easy upbringing We went to like a lot of theme restaurants like Fridays and stuff as it was jarring Yeah, but it was uh you don't want to hear other people and I hear like 15 beans soup or I was in a petafall cult or something Whatever these stories the same it meets in the middle of the men I was locked in a cage You know, I walked by the local senator or I was eating you know beans I realized that I guess I was kind of a privileged guy Yeah, I was exposed to very nice things early on. Okay, and then you kind of get acclimated that's your oh, this just this is just normal And it's what I deserve like you have to believe you deserve luxury.
Oh, I belong here. Yeah, I deserve I like luxurious animals like if I see an animal that I don't find luxurious I don't like it like the cat in West Hollywood. I like is a big fat furry Persian cat because it's like a Over here. We have a Sphinx.
Did you say you own a Sphinx? Yes, we shipped it in from Egypt And it's over here behind this glass arm wall that you know, I like to see a cat or dog and go That's the lobster piss of that breed, you know, I like to be right next thing right here for a little while I mean it's true. Yeah, I think we probably grew we my family grew up very working class where so my mom has worked at UPS Long time she has like cleaned very wealthy people's houses, right? And she would house it for them and it would be a big deal when we would go over to swim in their pool like for the weekend wind Yeah, yeah, it's a big deal.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. I'll be a big deal. I'll be walking around These were like wealthy people in Kansas. They were making like 60 70,000 a year So it was like serious from the wealth.
Yeah, I mean dude. I think he's really dynastake soon They had that dude. There was a $75,000 dynasty that we once visited it was like you have hot water dude I've never been maybe I was to Kansas one time because I was a little kid I was an actor and we toured around the country on a bus. Oh really?
Yeah, we did a show called any any get your gun I played little Jake many of the people listening no when did your deep voice kind of come in have you always kind of had a raspy Smokers voice, but it's not good as an actor because when you're I was a cute little kid But I was like hello and the directors were like this isn't an anti-smoking psa Tomorrow Yeah, I one of my jokes is like I auditioned from alone. I but it was for the role of Joe Pesci You know, but no I was on this tour bus and we'd go around and perform It was a big budget like it was kind of like a Broadway Joe And I think we did a gig and like we went all over the south in the west and I think we did Kansas Pretty sure probably I mean plays are pretty big there like they get most of like the um like I think Rogan just did with Santino The starlight theater which is an outside venue in Kansas City. That's like I saw a bunch of plays there growing Oh interesting which I was like oh they're doing that venue. That's awesome Because I saw like Peter Pan there and like different like I saw some of the plays are like I saw Peter Pan.
I saw Peter Pan I want to see rent go out there and he's like eight eight eight eight. I got it. You got eight I don't know how well rent would do at the starlight. I want to see a Hamilton and start with an all-white cast Yeah, all white hat in the starlight theater.
I mean, you know great. That's that's what you need There's no blacks so you'd have to use you have to use somebody's marginalize You all white disabled people don't know you need crutches. You need wheelchairs and you need those uh Can't just wrapping just people cerebral palsy wrapping on stage at the starlight theater. I wish it could happen.
I want it to happen I mean, I'd love to see it. I would love to see that. Okay, you know, maybe we can set some money aside I don't know that I'll talk about it. Okay.
That sounds good. Sounds fair. Dude. Yeah, you've got a you've got a powerful voice It's a it's a it's a voice where you get ready to hear some real aggressive horrific things Do you hear it?
Do you ever do the like the movie trailer voice whenever you're breaking bad news to somebody or something? In a world in a world where I don't have the money that I owe you Tim Haya the the rent is actually due tomorrow So if you could leave the check on the fridge, I'd appreciate that in a world where I am stealing the acquisition phase of my career Decisions must be made deals must be cut and unfortunately I will not have that money and I don't know when I will Okay, um So when we think about like Tuesday next Tuesday in a world where dates are impossible to give you because of the nature of my career We can only hope and pray that eventually things work out. Okay. Well, uh You surely have half like if you could give me half then maybe I could swing like I could pull some money from one of my other accounts And then maybe like if you give me half now, then maybe we could be semi on time You think in a world where it would be impossible to give you half One man stands alone staring down the system that has oppressed him forever trying to free himself This is his story in a world where the roommate just heard some terrible news.
He decides to kill the other roommate Tim Dillon You cannot kill me because I am already dead. Oh, no bots assemble roll out I do have a voice. I have that kind of voice. I'm only I have the kind of voice where it's uh, it is a real specific Like I got I got I got I was I played a talking ashtray once did you really play a talking ashtray?
Yeah, they put uh speaker in an ashtray where I was like roasting smokers This was an anti-smoking thing and like I was supposed to sound like an ashtray and It was kind of fun. I have it on I have it. It's a fun thing and uh and then like every now and then I'll pull like I'll get a voice over roll to play like a rat or like a sewer animal like some type of right, you know Every now and then like my agent will send me something where they'll be like, hey Can you play this role and it'll be like surfer dude 16 years old? I'm like do you know like have you heard What I sound like and you're like, yeah, I mean I could audition for a teenager for all and then they're like, okay, whenever you're ready Yeah, it's like Hey, oh, hey, you want to go catch some tasty waves dude or what would that be dude?
I hear that That the tide is really strong right now. It's pretty cool, man Hey, do you want to go get some uh you want to go get some some california burritos later or something man Would you be into that? And then they're like um, do you could you do it again? Yeah, but less Less villainy.
Yeah, could you not sound like a dock worker at the end of his rope? Can you not sound like an easily corruptible narcotics officer? Is that is there a way you can not sound like a congressman who will across player has been led out of his office in tears Is there any way that you could sound like that could you uh not sound like you're just sweating for no reason? Do you do voice over ever?
Yeah, everyone's from well. Yeah, yeah, interesting not not not too often I'd love to get into it more but would you know I listen I really would I would do but it's like I would make money but he gives a flock animated stuff I would love to do voice a cool animated character. Yeah, I think that'd be a lot of fun. Yeah, I agree.
Yeah, yeah I uh so we did uh we've done a couple different shows on the road together at this point. We did um, yeah, the impractical jokers crews Yes, we did uh and that was quite the experience. That's super fun I wrote a bit about it. Just the whole that whole cruise industry is amazing to me Yeah, it's amazing to me that those boats are allowed to go wherever they want in the way and just land on someone's people live in those places Oh, yeah, it's like a nightmare, but um, yeah, it was interesting Yeah, imagine the people living there who just see boatloads of like yeah idiots like Yeah, I'm unloaded onto their land that just like looks like the worst thing ever It's like the worst but um, yeah, I got like a five minute bit out of it's a great I love those guys, but like the whole cruise cruises are weird cruise in general That's my first one and I think it's a specific type of comedian or person that can even drive garbage You know what to tell a trash person throw away human being we also did a something called ha the musical at skankfest together And I guarantee you this is the only show that I've ever done so uh, I was told that I needed to be off book And I don't think everybody was told that no People were not off book.
I didn't know there was a book right exactly so that's perfect So I'm the only one that really spent hours and hours memorizing this long song what a loser dude exactly What a lot of the audience is the first time this ever happened. I'm nailing everything. I'm hitting on my cues I'm hitting every single line. I'm out there.
I'm doing it I eat it because it was too good. Yeah, like the audience is like this is supposed to be like a comedian thing like you're like nailing Yeah, what are you doing? They were kind of I think they were like intimidated because you took it to like I took the heart You took it to heart you're like up there fucking doing hamilton and we're all up there like just phoning it in As you should because we're performing in a converted garage that's a mexican restaurant And you're like you're out there. You're murdering.
I'm like this guy's great And then the crowd afterwards was like fuck this guy. Yeah, they did not like me It was a fascinating thing to watch. Yeah, just me like giving everything I got like And then the crowd being like nope. Yeah, well, that's that's gang fest crowd.
I know what kind of shit is this Yeah, this is not what I want to see comedians flub and fail This is not what I abandoned my children for This is not what I spent all my money to get to New York City to watch. Yeah, somebody who's qualified and competent trying Yeah, what are you doing? I want to see things you throw against the wall. Come on Yeah, let's have some some havoc being reeked right I want to get into this segment real quick Uh, it's called the kindness challenge So every week on this podcast him I asked the the listeners I challenged the listeners the viewers to uh and myself to do something nice Or something like kindness of their heart.
Yeah for uh, it could be a stranger. It could be somebody that that they know It doesn't matter as long as they're contributing something positive to society. Okay, right? So I read letters of the people who submit their their acts of kindness and I read them in the voice that I think They sound like and we will talk about it and see what um what if you've done something uh, uh The qualifies uh as a reason so this uh, this one I don't know what this girl sounds like I will say this a kid that I told months ago to quit comedy We had a real conversation.
It doesn't really work hard. So I was like you should just stop He just got out of a psych works. He tried to kill himself, but he didn't do it But he tried so it's like if you've done it. I would say that's like a deed for the year But he's back out and he'll probably be an open mic soon So you know what I mean like I'm trying to do things but I don't Nobody's there's no follow through there's no follow through with that They got to try comedy and then he's like I kind of tried to kill myself Everyone knows how to kill himself stop pretending that you tried to kill yourself.
All right. Thank you. That's my side That's uh, that's his kind of challenge for the month. Yeah, uh, this one goes um Uh, hi jerema.
I thought you would like to read my email because I'm a girl from kentucky and i'm very eager to see how your accent This doesn't sound like a girl. This voice you're doing does not this sounds like a wall. You know, that sounds like this sounds like a Person who said I've always been a girl. Okay.
Okay. I mean whatever you think I recently upgraded from two jobs to one and I have more free time I started volunteering at an animal shelter. This shelter has a lot of senior cats and dogs as well as animals that have special needs After working with this population, I can now say that I am an advocate for considering an older pet when looking to adopt I know it seems sad to think that you'll have less time with your new pet But trust me when I say quality matters over quantity older pets still have a lot of love to give and it's not true that you can't teach an old dog new tricks My boyfriend and I love your work and we always talk about how nice you and jolberg seem We can't wait to see kyltony lab one day and we will continue to enjoy seeing you both of you succeed in your career take care michael Montgomery That's very sweet. What was that again?
So this is what she wants people to adopt So, um, I think that she her kindness challenge or she started volunteering at an animal shelter Oh, yeah, yeah, are you uh, are you a an animal lover yourself? I love animals and I as long as people aren't helping people That's my big thing right now. You're anti people pro. Well, no, I mean, it's just funny.
I'm obviously saying that as a joke It's funny. So she feel that way about a 50 year old schizophrenic. Yeah, but the same way You're like, well, can she bring in somebody you can teach an old dog new tricks. What about a Vietnam vet?
You want to who's homeless? Can you teach him new tricks? How about you and your boyfriend teach him new tricks? I mean, maybe that's the next kind of challenge for them.
You know, I'm good for her. I'm glad Here's the thing with the animals. It's easy to love animals because they're furry and warm and whatever You know, they're cute. It's so easy.
So people who do animal stuff never impress me. You're not a good person You're not better than anyone else. It's the oh, you love a puppy. Oh, what a fuck.
Oh, you're a hero You love a goddamn adorable puppy that you want to help shocking you want to be around a bunch of cute puppies Right go be around somebody who smells like piss and shit because they shit themselves How about that? Prove to me you're a good fucking person. You fraud anyway, thank you. Yeah, we you know, it's I'm and I have different approaches On how we do the kindness challenge dims is a little bit more direct and a little bit more like abrasive like get your stuff together I'm like, hey, if you pull one off, that's fantastic.
Yeah, well God bless. Is that it? That's the only kindness? That's the only kindness challenge for us.
Yeah, so uh, uh You posted a video recently that uh went semi-viral that was semi-viral. It's almost 400,000 What's viral million? What do you mean semi-viral? Cards of people semi-viral.
What are you talking about? I love how offended right away. I don't know what the standard is for what is considered viral anymore Well, you knew it enough to say semi. I didn't mean to knock it down or anything like that Okay, so let me rephrase that.
Yeah, Tim Dillon had a viral video viral video That's right viral age shit viral like get up in your system. You can't forget what you saw like you can't unsee what has been seen once you watch this Full blown AIDS full blown AIDS, uh, you put out a very very viral video. Yeah about Megan McCain's yes response to Donald Trump Yes, and uh, it's pretty entertaining. Well, I appreciate it You in full drag full drag.
Yeah, and you really just um, I leaned in you leaned in like and went pretty much Maybe some things that Megan McCain could have maybe wanted to say or sure or who knows but but really like let like Your top blow off. Yeah, I gave the idea that she had a baby with her father before he died and she wants to fuck his corpse Yeah, so there are things in there she might not love there's some things that she probably didn't like right But I'm a comedian. I know somebody that kind of knows her that does know her and was like, yeah, she might think it's funny She might not it really depends So I don't know I thought she was gonna clap back at me. I was gonna get to go on the view explain her what comedy was Right, you know, I don't know but that didn't happen.
Well, this is really weird. Uh, um, you know, we have a pretty big reach on the show Megan McCain is actually calling into the show. Oh my god. Yeah, she must have heard us talking about her or something.
Um, but uh, hello Megan is that you Who is this? Is this your mind? What gets you fucking failure? Oh, well something something's up with your I don't know what's uh, uh, you sound like very strange right now I sound strange.
We tell you why you fucking lose her. There you are. Okay. I fuck Um, my dad's name is can okay, daddy.
No, but he uh, he was he did a Marine Corps reserves. Oh that fuck you're out. Oh, uh, wait You just saying that you're a hero just because your dad was a war veteran. I'm a fucking loser Hey, I think my family probably voted for you.
Oh, they probably tried. Hey, have you ever tried 15 bean soup? Joyce's yeah, I like three of you. Okay, my tits are huge.
You said your tits I'm at four breasts right for you. You keep slipping this in your back even though you keep having breast You can never suck on these big. I'm Megan. I never asked to Okay, I even if I wanted to like I have a wife I'm not wanting to like perform any kind of like Sick dog call your boobs rescue Okay, I love that you called into the show, but I have to let you do it.
Okay, okay. Well now you're crossing the line I'm gonna be a little bit upset with you. Okay, watch the view. That's your plug.
Oh now she left on me I didn't even get the last word on it. I I she is a real fire star. Hey, and Tim thanks for freaking back in me up dude Where you worry you that whole time was so just terrified and I was ready for her to come at me Did you hear her going after me she really went after you and you know, it's weird You didn't even make the video. I know it's like she thought that I was like that I produced the video or directed it or something hates That you're giving me a platform.
I think that's what it is. And then you know that I was plugging in she went at your family from Kansas Dude, I thought that that crossed the line and I'm not right. They're good people right? That means reading does it's not that important.
No, you know, yeah, and also she like who cares who has a valid driver's life Is she disrespected my dad? He really well cuz her dad is in her mind the only dad. Yeah, that's true. There is no other dad, but her dad Yeah, that's true.
Well, it's really gonna do it's weird, man. It's crazy. What kind of reach this show has it's wild But I don't I don't doubt that she is now stalking me. So whatever thing I do she's gonna She'll probably find you roguin and she'll fight him.
She might get into the ocean. She'll get into the ocean I get in the octagon she might do her tits just slapping them around and people tits Amazing. Yeah, dude. What's the uh, let's go back to to high school Tim.
Yeah, okay, what um, what's like a You said that you did plays growing up growing up, but I quit it 12 I was an actor from like six years old you put the you put the sequence scarf on the shelf you hung it up Well, I look pretty much like I do now. So it didn't real there was no more roles I was competing with John Goodman and Delta Burke Twelve I was competing with Delta Burke. They're like bringing Delta and bringing 10 Tim We're Tim. We liked you.
We're gonna go with Kathy Bates again. Oh Again, come on again. I mean come on you can save so much more money if you fucking go with me Tim we're gonna go with Harvey Firestein again. I know you're 13.
What you mean? I mean I did I beat them out of another role. Yeah. Yeah, see you later Tim That's what people like looks like Kathy Bates got the hot tub singing about Schmidt over you people all your game You're not feminine.
It's like Kathy Bates is a woman. It's you know, she's more. She's a woman. She's yeah That's a woman.
She looks like she eats squirrel. She's no job, but every rotisserie. She's always good. She's always great She's a killer fantastic.
Yeah, Lord's good boy misery misery so good dude Like one of my favorite parts in that movie is when she goes like he thinks he got away with it like being out of bed and she goes My penguin is facing north. So good. Whatever and he's just like completely Excited about pet cemetery a huge hard guy. I love Stephen King.
You like your own song. I do I don't want to be married Cemetery, I'm so pumped for that fucking movie man. I hope it's good. Everyone says it's good Everybody says good like everyone thought that hereditary was great.
I was like it's good, but it's really nerd Like so what was it more into nerd genre? What's more your your horse passion like within the genre because I love Horophones like what's one of the classics we could talk about things like Jacob's ladder that are with Tim Robbins You know Rosemary's baby those are like classics, right, but I love stuff like devil's rejects. Okay. I love like Cabin in the woods.
I thought was really fun. I like having the wood can't be fun. I like a good mix of a little bit of campy Yeah, yeah, I mean like I love the original the ring was great. Oh, yeah, I love all that shit Dude, I love like I just love harm moves like I love um did you like any of the insidious movie?
Yeah, the first one I like the last one I love first one I love the first one I love the first one even the second one I liked a lot then they started to go off the deep in the little now it's insidious 12 It's like we don't need yeah the last to the next left of the key Yeah, but I thought it right. Sorry was good, but it's also just so dark the whole way through there was not one moment of levity It was just too much. I'm like well now you've you've like made it like I don't care anymore the bad things can happen to the whole movie There wasn't a funeral dirge right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that was not talking about harm movies.
I love like a rachnophobia dude A rachnophobia I've lost that's where the movies were if it's on cable like I always watch it you always watch it always watch it So good Jeff Daniels is so good in that so good. Oh I love it. I've never gonna remain weren't they gonna remake it? I think that they were thinking about it for a little bit ice spiders These are ridiculous now.
We're getting into a spider's ice spiders I don't know guys if you want to watch ridiculous trailer go watch ice spiders. That's a real movie. Oh buddy Could you do the movie trailer? I don't know?
About literally like people who are like very cold and like they have got big jackets on stuff like that and spiders are getting Underneath like that would have been much creepier and better film cuz if you have tons of layers on yeah something gets Like trying to make yours right like yours better. Okay. This is about giant spiders I believe native ice or from the Arctic who invented yeah, okay? Well, okay now arachnophobia you like that movie fear of spiders Do you have a fear of anything that's like strange or anything at that or anything that like freaks you out?
I don't really mind spiders. I don't love them like I don't want them cold over me But I don't forget if I see one I had a tarantula for two weeks You had a trans for a science fair project and then mine what was the science fair? They're just about that a spider like that was a project I did and my mother found it flipped out and made me return it But yeah, I mean I Am I afraid of like a I don't know good question. I don't know I'm not one of these guys who wants exotic pets But I'm not afraid your deepest fear to do it interesting reject probably rejection maybe Failing failing failing failing at being rejected I want you to reject me your video only when semi viral It's getting it's getting it's still building we're still getting a few years still gaining momentum I see This is so fun.
I would just these These movies are like they're remaking everything, but I wish I have like a list of ten movies I'm like I want to see these again. What's some what's some of those moves? I want to see rack Nafo be again? Yes, one of them.
I want to see an updated version of what do you think of them updating space jam and movies like the Lion King as well as a Latin thing that'll be good looks or do you think maybe I don't I don't that's not for me Those are for care like I don't care about that. Okay. I might fuck with a bill and Ted's remake That's how I fuck with it back to the future the only thing that I wish I fuck with a classic goonies remake That could be that could work. I don't know but I'm like these are things I would fuck with well I would love it if they did a goonies remake where Sean Aston and those guys have to get back together for like for some weird reason Yeah, that'd be great.
That'd be cool. I want little zan to be in it. That's my that's my that's that's the new man I'm like with little zan. Can we get a some who's already have taken care of himself shut up little zan Uh, can we get a little pump in there as well?
I want all the lows you're such a freaky girl I love it such a good song it is it's catchy as much as I don't want to like it. I like it It's true if you haven't seen for that song Brendan shop introduced Brian Callan to a little pump on a fighter and the kid and just to see Callan trying to understand like what what's happening. Yeah, what's happening is so funny. I've watched it so many times I gotta look at that.
Yeah, anyway, I'm gonna get this next segment. Let's do it. It's called fanning out, okay I reached out to people online and said if you can ask Tim Dylan any question or maybe suggest a character impression for us to try to take on What would it be and this first question comes from Twitter? Ask us thoughts on Miracle Whip versus regular man.
How many is a superior miracle whip is for white trash? Carnival people ferris wheel workers. It's for dust ball towns dogs that have Mangy dogs and kids that are just running around shoeless in an industrial lot, but I do like helmets I do like helmets. I do believe if you bring it out you do bring out the best I do fuck with the Chipotle maya millennials don't really like mayonnaise there many of them are soulless I do think mayo is good and helman's is good.
I think helman's I don't fuck with miracle whip I know that helman's maybe a northeast thing, but the northeast is why we have a country so wait to wake the fuck up I grew up with miracle whip. I am floored. I am shocked at Kansas grew up with miracle whip Yeah, how many just to move helman's that question came from at J Grave I love all my fans are just disgusting. They're like what do you what what do you think?
What do you think about the difference? Where do you stand on fun dip? Are you more of a party? Didn't go home to every political now except the people that enjoy what I do everyone's like should it be socialism or capitalism my fan like What do you think about Manhattan clam first new England clam the great chowder war?
Welcome back to chowder wars 2020. We've got Tim Dylan representing the East Coast I wanted to pitch a show with my friend We just tried calls like different diners called slawboys and we just went in and we're like that was a whole show We go in yeah, yeah too runny. We need to go in and go amazing or it's lawboys That would be a great like with like super like high quality graphics and stuff. Oh you're walking in and out Slawboys strikes again.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Slawboys live.
We're about to live stream the slop and I just want the pilot of the company They just did a documentary on french fries. So the world is over. Okay. I mean like yeah, we're done at Yoda 904 on Twitter Tim Dylan is probably my favorite guest on our AP question.
Have you ever had a near death experience? I'm a lot of people that have seen me would say every day So the closest I came actually listening to realize podcast shout out to Lewis Gomez We do it with the best realize podcast or I think me Lewis and Nick Mullen who I adore I was fifth grade I was coming down a hill in upstate New York and Goshen New York my uncle had a house there If you know anything about upstate or whatever it was like a west as a rocket county wherever it is putting on a fucking But it's like it has like the one of the oldest horse racing tracks in America Maybe the oldest and I was coming down the hill and I and I pumped the brakes really hard I slide in pump the brakes and it threw me off the bike and I skidded along the street and my Arms like I still have to score a little bit Like I looked at my arms like my they were filled with rocks and shit cuz I just hit and my helmet if you look at a helmet It was like skate like fucked up. So if I wasn't wearing that helmet, I think I'd probably be dead Wow, yeah, so that's the closest I got to in your death experience. I had a thing happen on a bike once in It was eighth grade.
Yeah, and I was starting to like the it was dusk right I was writing home quickly on this trail that connected my buddy's house to my house Yeah, it was probably realistically about a mile a half away and I remember like starting to be like oh like I was supposed to be home You know, I mean that urgency like all my parents said that I was supposed to be home a little while ago I got to pick up the pace and the bike like getting them cigarettes and booze or something I was getting them I was getting the beans for different To get home the lab was cooking so I had I had in my side satchels I had one live chicken that we were gonna butcher later that evening and then I just had a A bunch of squirrels. I just get my pocket to keep warm. I keep put my hand in there I had a milk from a cows teat in Ozarka water bottle That's what I know in a great area right Ozarka Ozarka. So I'm right my bike and I'm getting that sense of like There's like some shady characters that like are like a little bit older than me You know the kids who are even a few years older than you whenever you're in middle school.
Sure. Oh, no Like they could be like I was doing drugs with them I imagine to some people they're scary. Yes, so they're scary So I sense that they're gonna start like they're kind of acting like they're gonna kind of start falling me And I like start picking up the pace of my bike a little bit and then my dad he gave me his cell phone to To take over to my friend's house that so he could call like check on me later Whatever and he called me from the home phone to ask probably where I was at right and I was so scared like I answered the phone Without even thinking that I was on a bike I go hello Like immediately like like I answered the phone and just ate it into the pavement and like just Road rate like road rash all over my face and like bruised and swelled at my eye and everything and I had asked my dad I was like you come pick me up I just crashed my bike whenever I answered the phone of the kids do they did nothing There was in my head right it was just like me freaking out being paranoid because my parents told me like you need to be Home by six o'clock right yeah, so there you go I just related I just related to you on a bicycle Can I not relate to you fine? Literally later So my viral semi viral just gonna be stuck in your head.
Oh, I'm gonna watch attack So this comes from Instagram At mejekah man can you tell a road story with Lewis J Gomez? me Lewis and Dave Smith and I think Justin Silver went on the road and we did a podcast in a basement in Boston and then then What do we do we did like I think we did a comedy show did a comedy show at next comedy stop and Boston And the door guy at next was like the security guy Lewis went to walk in and Lewis like a cup of coffee and the door guy's like whoa whoa Do not bring that in and you know Lewis was like, you know what what do you mean don't what the fuck? What's like two people got shot in here in the last six months and Lewis like later What the fuck is she was a guy to know what the guy was very very funny And the guy was clearly that just a traumatized guy for whatever reason I guess it's also like a nightclub in the next but they didn't allow the coffee and then the guy just like followed us around a whole Time fought us around backstage like Lewis was like losing his mind and then after they got I think losing David I like blow jobs with these skanky girls at like this house party Then me and Justin Silver were kind of like driving around Boston drinking coffee And me Justin just doesn't shut up and I don't shut up that we just have a conversation simultaneously They say ridiculous. I can't believe I can either fuck these girls.
We're doing wrong and I think we left like 4 a.m. And we finally finally got back at like 4 or 5 a.m I don't go on the road with Lewis a lot I'm on the road alone a lot So I mean I've done a few things with Lewis I love Lewis usually gets an argument with somebody this was not his fault The guy was like out of his fucking mind when Lewis was making coffee But I'm the road alone usually but have you ever have you ever had like a hookup on the road? Trying to think or do you try to avoid that? No, I have I have I have it's not something happens all the time It's never from somebody's to the show really right just like from an app.
Okay, I don't think I don't want to make a generalization But there's not a ton of gay dudes at comedy shows interesting a lot of straight people a lot of straight couples huh? They're older at least where I perform I'm not doing like so like hit festival right right cool like sometimes I am but a lot of Time to perform like Missouri, you know or wherever so like a lot of times you'll find people on apps and stuff But they're not usually like at the show right like seeking out like hey Yeah, I mean yeah, they're not usually there or sometimes like a gay couple of come to the show. Okay. Yeah, which is nice nice This one comes from at TY two trees on Instagram if you could be a child of the bush or Clinton family great question my favorite question so far Yeah, Bush really had money forever Clinton's kind of had to oh they had to earn it right and by earning I mean rate murder and steal don't get me wrong But it's been rich for a little bit not forever like they don't it's not old old money But it's like old enough where it's like I would prefer to be in that family.
Hmm. Well, it's weird George W. Bush is actually calling in that same. Yeah, it's pretty well.
Hey, hey buddy I kind of do I Think I'm a good fit. I think you're a great fit. I think it'd be a perfect candidate for this family. I'm an ex addict I've never accomplished anything in a conventional sense.
I know I know what my stamp of approval. Yeah I appreciate I love lying sir. I love making things up and telling you'll be right in telling things to people and having to believe them When they're not true. Yeah, you can look down to the barrel camera and apply to millions of people I can This job for you and I will I appreciate it man.
Thanks for working on for our country I've seen a little bit of it. Okay, well, it's only on semi-viral so I I appreciate I appreciate your faith in me, but I'll tell you this Surprising slide because only like 400 or 500,000 people have seen it. It's not viral I said that in my own Jesus. That's a half secretaries.
Hey, they were all over them. Oh, I'm four left. That's fucking awesome Thank you, so I'm glad you guys are just fucking watching videos online watching watching Twitter videos Awesome, so awesome. Yeah, cool I would absolutely love I would like I would like to hunt already that animals if that's not a problem because I get nervous I'm from Texas.
We can work something. I just like a few corpses. We could just put a couple of bullets in on the ground You know what I mean? Nobody's got to know.
Yeah, I like hurt. What's a red hurt? Did you see that did Cheney? Oh, yeah, yeah, what you think about all that?
I don't know, you know, I don't know I kind of hope there's gonna be a little better. I mean I agree with you. I know All right, well enjoy the rest of the day. All right, good to see you.
I respect the man for making a phone call I mean, you know, it's it's rare that a former president of the United States will call into the show I don't think it shouldn't be rare. It's sad that it is rare. I think Obama might have called in once on the show Yeah, it's rare. Yeah at Gerber Shawn on Instagram.
Mr. Dylan, please talk about being dressed in costume selling Obamacare out of a van Yeah, so I got a job once this is true a literal clown literal I'm not trying to make fun of the guy even though me and him then had a disagreement and I consider him a figurative clown, too But he was literally a clown approached me about being a Santa for the holidays And I'm like, okay, and I thought he was gonna be like it was decent money not great money. What year was this by the way? 2000 maybe Okay, so you've been doing comedy long time.
Yeah, well, I started in 2011 So I didn't do it for a while and he was like I want you to make some money you would be a Santa for the holidays I'm like, okay, Santa kids sick kids, whatever I don't know turns out I was a Santa that was going to sell Obamacare out of a truck in bad areas Okay, so they would drive a like health first truck And then I would stand outside with a bell and try to get people's attention and little kids would run up to me thinking I'm fucking Santa Claus And then their parents as soon as they got up to the truck We would hand them papers and go let's apply like it was the worst Christmas bait and switch what it's game I would hand a little kid a Like what's from call it a candy cane and then the kid is a candy cane Right, okay, what am I gonna get Santa and I would be like you're gonna get Covered affordable health care. You're gonna get coverage. You're gonna have a high premium But that's okay. I have a high premium just a clear bankruptcy.
It doesn't matter who gives a shit Yeah, we have no debtors prison. I was explaining this to five-year-olds I'm like you're living in an area where you could get shot possibly it may not be something you did wrong There's a lot of caught in the crossfire situations. You want to have this or if you do get shot I'm gonna get shot. I'm like listen to what I'm saying.
I'm not saying definitely but it is a possibility So that was a very depressing thing and I was fired. I swear to God for not being jolly enough And you're like what do you want me to do? What do you want me to do? We're in a collapsed society and I'm fucking Santa Claus trying to lure people in so they can sign up for this program They can barely afford okay.
What a Christmas miracle. This is a this is a segment that I call real ass Santa I'm a kid. Yeah, and I'm the you're at the mall and I'm about to sit on your lap. Okay, okay Oh Santa Claus, oh, can I sit on your lap?
Oh, this is great. Hi, my name is Joey and Can I just show you why I was a ball stop it Joey You'll never get anywhere in life if you keep asking for things the way you're asking for them. Just do just do Keep stuff asking for permission take what you want. Okay.
I was hoping to get like a new super-soker for Christmas They just came back out with them. It's a water gun Can you get Joey by the looks of you and your family? You're gonna need to conserve water You don't need to be squirting it in each other water is gonna be the new gold in the next century You understand companies are gonna privatize resources and start selling it to each other. Joey, you're not high up on the food chain I know you don't get this yet You're not gonna be the you're not gonna be fucking around with water the water that you have is gonna be kept in mason jars Hopefully under your fucking house in a fucking disaster relief shelter, okay?
Water to you is fucking moon rocks. You better fucking keep tracking that shit Okay, maybe get like a hot wheels or something like that that can be arranged But you do look malnourished so I think I'm just gonna give you a couple of ranch one chicken sandwiches. You can eat some poultry mass-produced Yes, okay. You look like you were raised on fun dip your little brittle bones your beady eyes sticking out of your head Your mother that's a bartender at the local saloon your father that's addicted to opioids your goddamn Netflix documentary, Joey You don't even see it.
I don't it You can't even get abducted by pedophiles because you look you look a little methy in the face They don't I'm not people don't even want me no one wants you even sick men don't want to fuck you is there something I could do about that I don't know. I mean hit the gym. Okay. I Think I'm gonna leave now.
I don't feel it. Yeah, I would leave anyway There's they're giving away free bourbon chicken in the food court if the Asian guy tells you you've had too many samples Just stare him down. He will fucking let you he'll blink This has been real ass Santa He's so terrified Have a but necessary but necessary sometimes you got to do that Oh, this comes from at J. Dot for our 922 on Instagram What got you in a comedy and when did you first feel like you could call yourself a professional?
I was a juror on a murder trial in 2011 It was murder torture rape It was the best time that I'd ever had because I just sat for two weeks and I heard about you know murder and torture and all this cool shit But it was also sad because I personally was like not like happy in my own career And then someone died to that was sad But I was really taking that time using his retreat and focus on myself and the DA was so good like she was really good And she laid the cake I looked at her I was like oh she's meant to be doing what she's doing and I'd always kind of been funny like a class clown And I was funny every day in the jury room and everyone was like it was so hard to laugh because like every day You'd hear like oh then he stabbed her in each eye and blah blah blah and I'd like make a funny joke about it Because it's like it's funny, you know your comedic relief for this horrible situation I'm a goof so at the end of that I made a decision like I gotta change my life I gotta sober up I'm gonna come out of the closet and I think I want to do stand-up comedy those things all happened within they all They all came together like two months. Wow that's major life changes all like a major life change And I actually I killed that woman really I killed her and then framed the guy because I knew I needed something you need a material I needed a fucking you needed a platform where you could start honing your craft Yeah, you want to my dumbest jokes? I love it trial is a first joke I was like you know some people on this trial are too stupid to understand the questions so they would be like What was the defendant's demeanor? What was the demeanor and then the person understand whose name is Chi Chi Chi?
Chi Chi like well, he was meaner than his brother That's what comedy is that's what it is. Why did I first call myself a comedian? I Think after I did Jeff Bell I not that meant really like but I started to feel more like kind of but when I started going on the road And I still sometimes will just to avoid conversations on a plane or an uber or something won't say I'll just say really I like to pretend like I'm a big real estate agent I know a lot about like the market I'm a real sure but so sometimes I won't say but like once I started one on the road And earning money from it like 2015 2016 2017 And then once I did like the comment central and that shit I was always comfortable calling myself a comedian, but you know, it's you know, I don't know. I'm never like was it a shit Hell and you're like, oh, I'm not a comedian.
You know, you never really was your you did the Netflix thing, right? I did that quarter hour. Yeah. Yeah, was that that feel like a big Half-hour I mean you've had have been hit up by a bunch of people like it's Netflix So, you know, it feels more like a thing just going into a club But you don't know anybody and you roll into some town You don't know and you entertain them and you're you do great And they will leave shaking your hand going thanks a lot at a great time Yeah, that is more of a thing than it to me that's up more and then walking back to the hotel and just sitting there Like oh, I'm doing the thing that I want this is it Yeah, this is what it is because the Netflix is a conversation all to get to there And hopefully you want more and more of those people to come out and see you but that to me was the biggest thing when I showed up to like a Zini's in Chicago And I just you know had seven shows over the weekend and you know the majority of them were really really good And even the ones that weren't I knew how to handle it I was good, you know, and when you have people leaving the club going oh, we're happy we came out That's when I felt yeah, yeah So in that span of time you mentioned that that you you got sober you came out and you decide you're gonna become a comedian Yeah, what in what order were your parents the most supportive to Lee support?
Oh interesting. They didn't care with the gay thing Comedians not real until it is so they're just like great Yeah, go for it. Okay, great. Yeah, sobering up.
They knew they were like good. Yeah, I was doing this all 25 This is very late. Yeah, you know 25. I'm over 30.
I'm 34. It's like now you're panting out It's like no one gives a shit about you now. We're having a bit about that We're like pep talk should done everything's over now. You better figure it out.
They don't care anything about nobody's told me anything Nobody's always waiting seven years. Nobody girl yours. I'll smoke outside great. We love it.
You smoke. You should side only a pill In the bathroom great. We love it. Whatever you want to do live your life.
I could be fucking heroin Rifling through with their draws and be like he's doing his own thing. You know what? He's following his passion He may we respect that people don't you but even a 25 gets to the point where you're like, you know They're little hands off like cool, but I think with the comedy thing my dad super anyway My dad like that's cool share what I'm doing on Facebook, which is insane literally saying Tim will be on tin foil hat again With Sam Tripoli discussing Hillary Clinton sex ring You can catch him It's crazy everything I do. I'll share it great line up tonight in the Hollywood improv Tim's back in the In front it's very sweet of him.
It's very nice. He speaks to me once a year, but he'll share everything I do now There's a lot of comments saying that your mom was a mermaid. Yeah, I told the story on the honeydew My mother was a wiki watching mermaid. Yeah, I come from a long line a real accomplished She's actually calling into the show.
Maybe she could elaborate on this a little bit more. Um, hello Is it Mrs. Dylan is it Mrs. Dylan Is it Hello, you're gonna have to get really into the phone or see there Hi Here could you speak up your your very your very breathy right now?
I apologize, you know, you know what that's like I don't know. I actually was curious Is that a real thing? Well, how much do mermaids make an hour? It's not Now you must have gotten pretty good at swimming like with like what's the uh, did you ever show Tim what it looked like to get like into the Prosthetic or whatever you want to tell them how to flash his chance of truckers that are passing the roadside Literally.
Oh, okay, so he was in the family business for a little while Okay, he's on swim team so he I mean, when did you hang up the scales? Yeah, when did you when was the Mother came and saw me and said why don't you just have the guts to be a real whore Was there a French title card at the end of your career that just said fiend Yeah, it was a wordplay joke. I apologize for that. Yeah Okay, go back up north raise a cocaine addict a son to a conservative view and then you did it Yes, well, I'm very proud of you and I appreciate you kind of elaborating on this because we were getting a lot of people who were curious Really is that a compliment?
It's just is it is Like kind of semi-endrogynous. You don't know if it's a man or woman Thick and fibi three C's on that thick. Yeah, okay. Well, I'm glad that you do Do you think I have the jobs to maybe be a mermaid?
That's a lot of pressure Well, thank you miss a don't recall an I will thank you. Your mom has a message. I guess she's an aggressive woman. She's very aggressive.
Yeah, that was quite delightful though This is a character idea loan star kid 19 character idea Bobby the ice cream salesman Okay, so I'm going into a Basking Robbins Is this I think this is like an old time? Okay, Bobby ice cream Bobby Bobby Bobby baby baby baby. Hey baby. What do you want?
Yeah, could I how many flavors? I just see these three flavors this vanilla strawberry chocolate? I mean what kind of flavors you want? Well, I mean Hey, why it's only what you only have white ice cream?
No, we only serve white people. Oh, well, I'm Bobby the ice cream sales Okay, well, I'm glad that I'm a segregated country you segregate choose have too much power. Okay. Well, you want fudge?
Well, here boy. I wish fudge was white. Wait. I wish fudge came white.
They make white fudge. Is that true? That's a real thing? What a great fucking country.
Shouldn't you be knowing more about this? You're an ice cream salesman Well, you know, I'm a lot of things well I was just if you know some people say that men wear sheets in the woods of terrorists, but I say they're freedom fighters Do you want to do like sprinkles Do you like you like sprinkles god? I love selling ice cream? It's so goddamn wholesome.
Bobby is a Bobby You have the name type Bobby. What's a realtor sold a house to a black couple and we burned it down. Okay, anyway, we have waffle cones That's new. No, I love America.
Listen. I'm just you're blocking the entrance of the basking of Robbins with your stand Can I just give you don't want to go to best the robbers and Indians work there? There's 31 flavors in there though. There's 31 flavors a homosexual pedophile race trainers Don't you want these three flavors?
Here's what these are America red white blue. Those are three goddamn flavors. Okay, uh, I love this country I guess I'll buy one if we can end this conversation. Okay, how old are you?
I'm four you're four years old four years old Are you married? No, I don't I'm four. Are you racially aware? I'm I there's a war coming.
There's a war coming There's a war coming. I'm four between people that sell three nice wholesome flavors of ice cream and the 31 flavors from 31 different countries My parents gave me five dollars. What does that get me here? Well, I could get you a gun You have guns for sale.
You're gonna need guns when it all starts to fall apart my friend Okay, I'll take one gun and one scoop of red white and blue blue. That sounds good. Stick with your own. Thanks for coming.
Thanks Thank you. That was Bobby those now if you notice what I did there That was a real commentary on uh the 1950s ice cream parlor Yeah, trowel because many of those ice cream parlors probably had a lot of racists in them and yet phenomenal ice cream And that becomes a whole thing that becomes its own thing We used to go to an ice cream parlor called itkins in Long Island and my mother was kind of in love with the chef Who was going through a divorce and he would just sit there and like music a short order cook And the food was disgusting but the ice cream is great. Did you ever uh, maybe this was just midwest with maggie moose? Ever I heard of that.
It's a cold stone, right? Yeah, it's kind of like that. Yeah, it's fine. Yeah, it's pretty good fine for you folks I'll talk to real ice cream parlor homemade ice cream not corporate homemade ice cream that goes in a glass sundae thing made by a racist You can taste the quality There's nothing worse than progressive ice cream Even salt and straw which is phenomenal You know that down deep they're they're they're hateful people because it's so good Huh, they can put out all the bush that they want.
I with vegan tapioca marmalade fig deep down The people who want salt and straw are not seas because that ice cream is so good. You heard it here Live on Jeremiah wonders. Let's get into this final segment sax talk. I'm so excited about this Now how much is a saxophone?
This saxophone right here is uh, is like a $3,000 saxophone. That's crazy. It's something you sent it to you, right? Yeah, that's a awesome.
Yeah, I'm super grateful super. I mean, this is the nicest I never ever heard. I didn't play it. I was just in band and I pretend Oh, you just like mime the blowing.
Yeah, I did that one time I was singing like inquire and my mom's like, I know you weren't singing. Wow. She knew she's like don't ever do that again I know you weren't singing Jeremiah. You gotta learn how to sing so we could sell you to the circus Yeah, I was actually raised by southern black woman.
I don't know why I'm doing this voice with Jeremiah's mother But it makes sense. This is my son Jeremiah. He looked like a white chick. Oh, you're not gonna eat your 15 beans soup, honey He looked like a white chick.
He gonna do that kill Tony show with Joel Jimenez And Tony Hidgecliffe I don't know why I'm doing a black woman. I have no idea either. But it's it's just Jeremiah Watkins You don't know is he a black guy? He's a white guy.
I don't know. It's a weird ass name. Yes, it is So uh, I prepped in before he's gonna share a story of sexual encounter. No, no, no, no, sweet sweet sex to score underneath it whenever you're ready I will follow your lead.
I Met a person I took a message. I had a there's a team spent DM from a guy and he was a nice guy. He was in San Francisco He was like I think 20 something 21. He was at college He was like a writer and I flew out to San Francisco to meet him because I was in LA and we went to a place and we had oysters And then we went back to the hotel And it was very nice was good, but these kids now and I don't mean kids, but you know college age people They've been raised on anti-depressants anti-anxiety medication.
So none of their dicks work. They're all just big lumps of flesh So I mean you fast forward. I'm just sucking a flaccid cock On a bed instead of just going I paid for the room. I feel really bad He's sucking me.
I'm hard. I'm hard and fat if I can get hard you can get hard, you know But I don't know I guess he's on pills or something just so you know things work out and I'm just sucking his soft, you know dick It's not great. So he finally tells me he's like guys to me dig along That's all right. No worries and he wasn't really into ass play.
So I just spent all this money to fucking fly to San Francisco The oysters weren't even good. I couldn't get into swan oyster boxes at three r fucking line. Nobody respects my level of celebrity So it's just me sucking this soft cock Hotel which was not as nice as it looked on hotel tonight, which I usually like I came but he didn't come and After I came he still wanted to do stuff. It's like well, what do we do now?
I was soft dick now. We're both hanging out with soft Are people jerking off to this? I think people jerking off to this right now Sax is so intense during this, but it's not at all sexual the sacks sometimes it's sexual but the Jeremiah sacks is Sexual it's like a funny sacks. He does like a funny band leader sax.
It's not like a Kenny G come fuck me sacks Yeah, it's like a middle school in Kansas Okay, it's getting sexier I'm getting a little hard. You know, it's not getting hard that kid. I spent six hundred dollars to suck off There's only so long you can suck off a soft penis before you feel like you haven't done the right thing Soft penis in your mouth Oyster breath. I don't really even like oyster.
I'm not even gay. I'm just pretending for show But I have to fuck dudes anyway Agent said suck this car And I did This is my real voice. I'm in a fat suit. I'm a skinny Latin man Beautiful.
Oh, yeah In a world where ten penises in a world where Tim Dillon's not gay Have you ever had that situation where you were sucking someone off in the cake at hard dude? It's happened so many times and it's really frustrating It's one of those things we're like I'm putting so much work into it and then to not yield the results that I I'm used to getting I'm used to getting you know ROI return on investment I'm used to get give me a partial hard give me a partial. I'm not saying rock hard Can I get a semi can I get a semi give me a pool noodle? Can I get a little bit of a flaccid with a little bit of a bulge and I get a semi I want to sell shirts at my shows and say can I get a semi semi viral semi hard cock Full circle, baby.
That's right. Tim. Uh, what would you like to plug my friend? Dillon's going to hell is my podcast.
It's on gas digital and iTunes you guys can check that out Tim Dillon's going to hell it's on gas digital I love that. Um and then to do comedy calm. I have all my live dates Tim J Dylan di l o n on Instagram and Twitter I post everything I'm doing there Dylan di l o n not like Bob Dylan Thank you. Thanks for doing the show buddy.
Thanks so much Best awkward ending ever like are we done? That's a great so great. Now. This is the ending.
I'm not gonna leave Thank you. Thanks. Hey guys. Thanks for listening to the show.
I want to give you one more reminder to head over to jeremywalkins.com to get your feminist Stacy t-shirt while you still can only one week left. Thanks for tuning in