Kids Will Do Well When They Can: Rethinking “Defiant” Behavior

If you’ve ever wondered whether your child is being defiant — or felt guilty about how you’ve responded — this episode is for you.Many parents of neurodivergent kids are told (directly or indirectly) that their child won’t behave, won’t listen, or won’t try. Over time, that story can lead to stricter discipline, more punishment, and a lot of shame — even when nothing seems to help.In this episode, pediatric psychologist Dr. Mark Bowers offers a different framework, rooted in neuroscience and compassion:Kids will do well when they can.You’ll learn:Why “defiance” is often a misunderstanding, not a character issueHow lagging skills show up as refusal, arguing, shutdowns, or explosionsWhy punishment backfires when behavior is driven by skill gapsHow to shift from control and power struggles to problem-solvingWhat to ask instead of “Why won’t my child listen?”This conversation doesn’t dismiss boundaries or safety. Instead, it separates support in the moment from skill-building over time, so real change becomes possible.If you’ve been carrying guilt, frustration, or fear about your child’s behavior, this episode offers relief — and a more accurate way to understand what’s really going on beneath the surface.Let Us Know What You Think!Support the showBeneath the Behavior is an educational podcast for parents and caregivers of neurodivergent kids.The information shared is not therapy or a substitute for working with your own provider. Episodes are intended to offer understanding, context, and language—not individual advice.If you’re looking for ongoing support grounded in the same science-not-shame approach, check out the Neurodivergent Parenting Collective.