Hey, this is Ray-Ban, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv, for everything Kill Tony, including past episodes of the show, video portions, and if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Not only do we record every Monday at the Road Famous Comedy Store in Hollywood, California, but we are on the road all the time, so if you click on tour dates, you can see that we're in Vancouver, Swatsy, La Jolla, Ventura, Washington, Boston, Austin, a bunch of dates. Click on tour dates at DeathSquad.tv.
Also, check out Tony's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have everything Golden Pony, including his stand-up dates, so go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. And Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist.
He draws every single episode of Kill Tony. You can check out his website, RyanJEbelt.com. He has posters, prints, even has the Kill Tony book there. So check out RyanJEbelt.com.
And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. There you have the official Kill Tony t-shirt, including DeathSquad hats and shirts and mugs. Go to ShopSquad.tv, the official merchandise of Kill Tony. And now, here's a brand-new episode of Kill Tony.
Hey, this is Red Bay coming to you live from the Vogue Theater here at Just for the Last, Vancouver. Get our brand-new episode of Kill Tony. Vancouver, Canada, make some fucking noise. Yeah, we wowie.
How exciting is this? Look, everybody, it's Brian right there. Oh, my goodness. Look at this, ladies and gentlemen.
Just to let you know, people are still coming in. The play's sold out. I want to let you know, this is the largest ever Kill Tony in its history. Ever.
1,300 Canadians and even a couple Americans made the trip here tonight. We were covered on Howard Stern this week. Howard and Robin learned about us. We solved a murder down in the States.
And things just keep moving along. There you go. Very good. There's one trashy fucking Canadian that made it out already.
Made the fucking long drive from downtown Eastside to be here. Anyway, the road continues. Venus de Milo in Swansea, La Jolla, Tacoma, Skankfest South, Boston, Austin, and other fun things coming up. Got my caveman coffee.
Life is good. This is it. We are here. And, you know, we've been telling you guys about Canadian baked delicacies that we love.
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Absolutely. 100%. Speaking of making money, you've got to have somewhere to put it. That's why I love my Ridge Wallet.
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Use the code killtony link in the description so they know that we sent you. That's it. You guys ready to start this puppy pie or what? We are live in Vancouver, Canada, B.C.
Beautiful. Now, as with all of our road episodes, as always, we didn't book a guest on this. The great Tim Dillon is 45 minutes away in some other part of Vancouver. We tried to get him, but he's got two shows tonight, two shows tomorrow, and he's got to do Kill Tony on Monday.
However, we do have a band, ladies and gentlemen. Every single episode of the show, they commit to being different characters. We never know what they're going to be. Beautiful green room set up here at the beautiful Vogue Theater in Vancouver.
And so I haven't seen these guys in like 45 minutes. So let's see what they came up with tonight. Maybe it's brand new characters. Maybe it's the return of characters we've seen before.
Let's all find out together when I present you the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony band. Jeremiah Watkinson-Scholberg-Tolling-Menez. Whoa.
I'm not exactly 100% sure of what this is. Hi, I'm Greta Thunberg. Oh! Greta Thunberg, wow!
This is super exciting. My goodness. How'd you end up here? What are you doing here?
I am letting people know about climate change. And this is my brother, Hansel. Hansel? Hansel Thunberg, welcome.
That is right, Tony. Wow. I didn't realize Greta's brother was a caveman. A Mexican caveman.
This is exciting. It's funny you say that because the caveman actually had clean water, Tony. The rivers are polluted now. You seem to have a little bit more reggae than Nordic in you.
Yeah, man. They had a clean water, man. All right, very good. Well, we have a couple environmentalists.
Look how sad Greta Thunberg looks, as always. What a pouty head. You're going to be really pissed when Trump wins again. This is very exciting, though.
It's good to be. You ever visit Canada, Greta? Is this new for you? The mountains of Vancouver are lovely.
I love it. There you go. Heck yeah, they also have free health care here. That's a big deal, right?
You guys fucking love waiting for months. Waiting for months and months and months if you get anything serious. That's great what you guys have going on up here. And your dollar is doing tremendously well.
Congratulations to you guys. I actually wrote a joke about it. What do you call a Canadian that finds out they have cancer? An American tourist.
Okie dokie. It's because we have superior medicine down there, even though it's expensive. But you have to make money, you know what I mean? Exciting stuff.
And look at this. Someone named Jesse out there made us the Vancouver Bucket of Destiny, everybody. It's rave ready for this capacity show. As people are still storming in, I think we're going to get another delivery of names as they continue to see the room.
And we have to start on time because we have a hard out today in an hour and a half. So we're going to slam right through it. And it's exciting. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you jump right up the stairway right up the middle here.
And you begin 60 seconds of uninterrupted stand-up comedy. You know your time's up and hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or we're going to bring out the angry Davies Street bear. There you go.
That's your very own gay bear, ladies and gentlemen. That is as gay as it gets. Good old Davies Street. We all know that one.
Abso-fucking-lutely. That's where pipelines... All right, forget it. So you can really use your infinite CBD lube.
Gay people are actually environmentally friendly because they are not overpopulating the world and drinking all of the clean water. Hansel, I've never even heard of you and you are adorable. I love you too, Tony. Clearly you left your wig.
Was that in your carry-on or did you check that today? Well, the winds have been stronger since global warming has happened. You guys are ready to start this fucking show or what? The first ever time we met Greta Thunberg and her brother Hansel.
Guys, this is the biggest Kill Tony ever for the number one live podcast in the world. It happened here in Vancouver, Canada of all places. I cannot explain it. But you people love fucking blood and guts, clearly.
Yeah, I said it. The stairway's right down the middle. There's no other way on this stage. And with that, the show will begin.
You're a little bit too close. You've got to disappear, dude. Yeah, what the hell? You've got the world's most obvious cameraman here.
Jesus fucking Christ, dude. He's like that murderer guy. Oh, my God. Maybe you can disappear like the polarized cats are.
Let's keep going. Fade into the darkness. Fade away. Please just fade away.
All right. This is a pretty simple name. How about Chris B? Let's get it started with Chris B.
Chris B. Here he comes. Right down the middle. Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian on our biggest Kill Tony ever.
It's Chris B. Thank you. Thank you very much. First joke.
Oh, fuck. This is way more hard than it looks. Oh, I walked in on my son. He's four years old.
I walked in on him playing with his nipples the other day. So I guess I'm going to be knocking when I come into his room from now on because I think by the time he's six, he'll probably have his finger up his ass. And possibly by the time he's 12. Well, I don't really want to know what the fuck he's going to be getting into by then.
What else? Oh, yeah. I'm taking that little guy to jiu-jitsu these days. Like I said, he's only four and a half.
But I've got to give him an outlet because he loves to wrestle. And he needs something other than punching me in the dick would be good. Meow, hopefully. Anybody?
Anybody got a meow for me, please? Oh, yeah. How come they don't sell any walls at Walmart? I was at Walmart and they didn't have any walls.
Thank you. Thank you very much. Fuck, yeah. There you go.
That would be where the stinger would end. It would be on that first pop of that song, Greta. So, Chris B., let's talk about it. First time doing stand-up comedy?
Talk into the microphone. Yes, yes. There you go. This would go to the first time.
And let's just say it right now. Hopefully last time doing stand-up comedy? Fuck, yeah, man. Wow.
What made you want to do this here today? I love your show. And I've never done anything like this in my whole life. Fuck, yeah.
You love it so much that you decided to... Right, I don't ever understand that, really. The people that don't sign up, I would understand if you said I expected not to get picked. That would make just so much sense.
Like, wow, I had no idea this would happen. I didn't realize that's how it worked. They were marking IDs on the way in. If you do the math, you know, it's not that good.
If you do the math. It's a fucking whack job. What are you talking about? I do the math.
What do you do with oil for a living? What do you do for work? I'm a roofer. A roofer.
Oh, my God. A Canadian roofer. Jesus Christ. Greta Thunberg.
The real question is, what are you doing with that can after you're done with it? Recycling it, for sure. No problem. My goodness.
How long have you been roofing for? Too long, like 12 years. And how long have you been roofing for? Oh, Greta knows what roofing is.
Yeah, you've got a lot of hair on the back of your neck. What's your love life like? You have a girlfriend? I'm married.
Yeah, you're goddamn right. How long? Too long, 12 years. I don't know.
I can't remember. I've been with her for 20 years. I don't remember. How much have you been drinking today?
I don't drink, so too much. Wow. Wow, everything is just too much of everything today. This is your day to just go off the rails.
Do you live here in Vancouver? West End, baby, yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. That's exactly what I heard about your types of people.
You can barely stand up right now. Or stand up. Look at you wobbling. And if Red Band's making fun of your physical posture, you've got big problems, right?
This is not good, yes. You've got big fucking problems. So what do you like to do for fun? Anything interesting that we should know about you?
Man, I'm so thankful for yoga, working out, and smoking dibs. Working out and smoking dibs? What do you do? Oh my god.
Come on, man. What the fuck? What type of working out do you do? You go to Wreck Beach and let everybody see that fucking Wreck body?
I used to. I love Wreck Beach. Holy fuck, nothing good traveling in that spot. There you go.
There you go, Crispy, everybody. Literally the most boring person of all time. No better way to start an episode. No better way to start an episode.
That means that the episode can only get better, ladies and gentlemen. That's what's exciting about that. Nowhere better than the Vogue Theater. 1,300 people.
They literally find the most boring man in the history of the show. Great, great stuff, Crispy. Boy, I wish everybody that was just a fan of the show without an ounce of talent would sign up for it. I can't implore you enough.
This is a full name. I believe this person will do better. Mixer noise for Trevor Robertson, everyone. Let's get those house lights up.
Whoa, right from the front row. Wow. My friend signed me up for this. Just give me one moment here.
How to do stand-up comedy as according to WikiHow. Start strong and do not be afraid to write down your set in advance. I feel like I fucked that one up already. Okay.
Second one. Do not be afraid to take a pause after all your jokes to give the audience time to laugh. Good job, everybody. Okay.
Third joke here. Make sure to return to previous jokes on the set. Repetition is funny. Thank you, everybody.
All right. Well, we've come to the point where I ran out of ideas. Thank you, sir. I'm glad that you like me less than the guy who is.
Fuck yeah. Trevor Robertson, everybody. Very exciting. My goodness.
This is very exciting, everybody. Tony, I thought you said it couldn't get worse. Let it all happen here. This is exciting.
We have a Windy City Heat crossover. It's exciting that the guy from Barstool Sports was able to make it here. Very exciting, dude. Are you all right?
Are you just Canadian? What's the problem here? What's going on? What's your story, Trevor?
Your friend signed you up for this? When did he tell you that he signed you up? You know what? He actually didn't tell me that he signed me up.
So you're telling me that he didn't tell you that he signed you up and you had a thing written down on your phone in which you just, in case of an absolute emergency. I actually just looked at my lock screen and made that up. You were looking at your lock screen when you got up. And so you improvised all of that?
Absolutely. So at no point did you know that your friend signed you up. Did your friend sign up? I fucking hope so.
Did you walk in with him? Yeah, but he got me in my seat and then went off to grab beers. Oh, I see. And were you suspicious of him signing you up when he went and did that?
I knew for a fucking fact he did it. All right. Well, let's see if your interview part can at least be better than Chris V, who supposedly is a huge fan of the show. So Trevor, is there anything interesting about you or your life whatsoever, other than the fact that you look like someone took an episode of Succession and dipped it in fucking acid?
I think you have a nail on the head. That's pretty much the best part. Really? Nothing about you or your life or anything ever that you could possibly ever explain or imagine?
Any fun facts about you? Skills, talents, whatsoever, anything? I mean, I know how to breakdance. You know how to what?
Breakdance? What is that? That's breakdance music? Really?
Do you know about this? Every time Brian dances, he breaks his back, so. All right. You got to do it, dude.
Let's do it. Doing some breakdancing. Canadian breakdancing, everybody. This is very exciting.
Whoa. Nice save. This is the stupidest show ever. I don't understand why you people come to this.
That's all it takes from everybody hating you to loving you. Was spinning around a bunch of times like an absolute moron. At least he didn't have to drink piss. Wow.
Un-fucking-believable. I couldn't picture any way that you would have more trouble getting laid, and then I saw the way that you just broke dance. You ever do that to impress a girl? I am very impressed.
If you had a shot with Greta, what would be your first move on her? What would you do to a girl like that if you got her into the picture? Statutory rape. I'm 17.
Oh. Oh, okay. In Canada, they just call that a wholesome relationship. You know what I mean?
What's that word? Conversion rate's a little bit different here. All right, Trevor. Well, I mean, you know, it just doesn't get any worse than someone whose friend signs them up, and then you came up here and you completely redeemed yourself with ridiculous breakdancing.
What can I say? You know, when times are tough, always go into that. There he goes. Trevor Robertson, everyone.
That's one way of doing it. Okay. We're having fun. Let's keep it moving.
Make some noise for your next comedian. He goes by the name of Rob Biglin. Rob Biglin. Oh, we got a big pop from that side of the room.
Here we go. Could this be Rob? Look at all the flannel shirts having to get up at once. Jesus Christ.
There are a lot of ugly people in this audience tonight. It is incredible. How's the balcony doing up there, huh? Fuck yeah.
One more time for Rob Biglin, everybody. Hey, guys. Whoa. I'm pretty fucking nervous right now.
Man. Trying to picture all you guys naked, but a lot of you guys have way bigger dicks than me. It's making me even more nervous right now. Oh.
Well, at least I've never failed an STD test. I've got 8 out of 10 in my last one. I'm pretty proud of that. Yeah.
Um. Hmm. Thank you. Thank you.
Sorry. Sorry. I lost my pace. Um.
Hmm. You got it, baby. Thank you. Thank you.
Fuck. Fuck. Um. I'm going to stop you for a second, Rob.
It's okay. It's okay. Because I keep thinking of the last joke that you can't remember right now. While I remind the audience that this is critical, it's only 60 seconds, you fucking buffoons.
Okay? So the important thing is if you have so much hate or somewhat of an idea for somebody, then you can yell it as soon as he's done. As soon as you hear that fucking bear. All right?
60 seconds, don't try to get your laugh in. If you signed up and you're lucky enough to get pulled out of the bucket, then you have a chance up here. You don't get to interrupt people 60 seconds. Is that okay?
You guys understand that? It's the, it's literally the format of the show that you bought tickets for. Is that cool with everybody? Are we all on the same page?
How about the super drunk goblin bitch on this side? Do you understand that? Whoever that is, if there's a lady in the audience that wants to just open hand slap her next time she yells, just feel free. It's one of the cool things about Keltoni.
You're allowed to slap someone if you hear them interrupting 60 seconds. Do you remember the joke that you forgot? You got it? Let's do it.
Can we go back to Rob Biglin, everybody? All right. I'm going for Robin after this. And I'm going with a bunch of my homies.
And one was going to jail a bunch of times. And I hope he's prepared to pay 25 bucks and not 25 cents. All right. We should have, we should have ended it when, when everybody started heckling you.
No, I'm kidding. That was great, Rob. You can't, it's the first comedy set of your life, right? Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. And let me tell you something, dude. I absolutely love, I absolutely love your fucking opener, which is one of the hardest things to do in stand-up is to get a laugh right from the get. You fucking did it.
That picture people naked and they have bigger dicks than you. Things hilarious. Thank you. It was one of those things where we all thought that you didn't have a joke and then you snuck it right in there.
Everything else garbage. Took a huge, huge fall after that. But, you know, getting one big laugh during your set is the first big laugh that happened here tonight from anybody doing stand-up comedy. Hell yeah.
And for it being your first time, that's a really big fucking deal. What do you do for work, Rob? I'm a glass blower. A glass blower.
Yeah. Wow. A meth head. Yeah.
How long have you been blowing glass for? And what part of town does he live in? Is that on Davies Street? Bob laughs.
No, I've been five, six years now. Finally, we found the guy that's been blowing top glass. Five years now? Yeah, about five, six years now.
Right. What made you want to get into that business? What is the amount of marijuana you have to smoke before you're like, I'm going to start just making bongs myself, dude? It's quite a bit, yeah.
One day I couldn't find my pipe and I was like, I'll just make one, dude. Exactly, right? I'll have to light it up to a window and 30 minutes later, dude. My goodness.
Blowing glass. What do you like to do for fun? Any hobbies or anything like that? Skateboarding, skiing a little bit.
Yeah. Food. Hell yeah. You have a girlfriend?
No, I'm single. How long have you been single for? Six months or so. What happened six months ago?
What happened? Why'd you break up six months ago? Long distance relationship. Where was she at?
She was in Alberta. Oh, wow. Out there in the fucking oil fields of Alberta. Yeah, yeah.
A little dirty oil. Yeah. Where'd you meet her at? I met her at a bar in town.
In Vancouver? Yeah, she was visiting a friend. Yeah. And what'd you say when you saw her at the bar?
You went up to her and you're like, oh yeah, I like you. Like that? Yeah. You were like, I do two things.
I blow glass and I crush ass. Which one am I doing tonight? Yeah. Fuck yeah.
So what happened that night? First of all, what'd you actually say to her? Tell the truth. That night, we just kind of talked all night about...
What a pussy. Yeah. Talked all night. My God, you're supposed to take a walk on her.
I didn't say anything specific, but enough to, you know, keep in contact with her. And yeah, we hooked up. Yeah. The 80 girl.
Yeah. Fucking took her a little visit to the seawall, huh? You know what I'm saying? She gave you that moose knuckle, dude.
Yeah. Definitely. Absolutely. Fucking lootly.
Anything else crazy about you, Rob? What else is going on with you? You seem like the kind of guy that fucking likes to fucking flip coins best out of 11 or something like that, right? Figure out which one's which, how your day's going to go.
I got a little fucking Two-Face vibe coming from you. You have a coin on you right now? I have. No.
Let me remind you that loonies and toonies are considered coins to Americans. I hear a little jingle in your pocket, but that's all good. What part of town do you live in? East, South, and here Duffin's Donuts.
Anyone go there? Yeah, Duffin's Donuts. Duffin's Donuts? Yeah, you check it out.
They got fried chicken. They're open 24 hours. Oh, wow. You have fried chicken up here?
Wow, that's incredible. I've never heard of such a thing. Man, we've got to visit here more often. That's incredible.
Fried chicken. Oh, my goodness. I try pizza sometime. It's not a selling point of the city, but...
Oh, my goodness gracious. Oh, wow. Well, Rob, that's fun. How are you?
I'm 29. Oh, my God. That's hilarious. Canadians age at an unbelievable rate.
It is just incredible. How old did I look? 49. Okay.
Yeah. You're like the... What's that glass blown, right? You're like that little nine-year-old kid that everybody just raised money for, and now they're realizing that he's 19 years old.
That's the thing. You can't raise money for a little midget because they can't be any age. Those midgets will fool you, people. I dwarf.
Yeah, no. It's a fucking... Oh, now you're politically correct, really? Before you talk about pooping in a pee hole or something stupid.
That's completely allowed. You're allowed to do that. Thank you for your brave contributions, Brian Reddine. You're welcome.
Ladies and gentlemen, his first time ever on stage, he was here in front of 1,300 people at the Vogue Theater. Rob Bigwin, everybody. There you go. Absolutely.
Look at that old man. Have we been keeping track how many flannels have been on stage so far? All flannels. It's all flannels.
Flannels and beards, right? Wasn't that Canada last time? Swansea, Massachusetts. We'll be there next week.
It's close enough. Swansea is the home of flannels. We ended up taking a picture on stage with everybody that had a flannel that night. It was like 100 people.
It was insane. It was embarrassing. Okay. This looks like a funny name.
Let's see if he's as funny as his name is. It makes a noise for Ryan Zoys. Ryan Zoys. The Vancouver Bucket of Destiny featuring an LED light.
It's called your name. Is he coming from the balcony? He's coming? Yeah, he's coming.
Yep. All right. I think now is a good time to bring up that right after the show, we're going to be doing a very, very fast meet and greet where we will be slinging posters made by the great Ryan J. Ebelts specifically for this event as fast as we can.
There's a high turnover right here. One more time for Ryan Zoys, everybody. Here he is. He made it.
All right. Or the rise of social media or if it's always been this way, but, man, do we lie a lot these days. Everyone lies. We lie to each other.
We lie to our friends and family. We lie to our work. Mostly we lie to ourselves, though. And I get it.
I get why we do it to feel good. Everyone does it. Celebrities even do it. I mean, hell, Liz has herself convinced that she's sexy and that men respect her.
I do it to myself. I tell myself that I don't get rich when I grow up or chicks dig dudes with shaved heads or that I still have hair. But I do it on purpose sometimes, too, just to make myself feel good. The other day I was doing my laundry and putting my towels in the dryer, so I just took a fat stack of drive sheets, started peeling them bitches off one at a time like I was at the strip club throwing hundreds, and I got it like that.
My towels are all kinds of fresh. Fuck yeah, Ryan, please. I'm going to go up on a limb here, Ryan. You can hold on to that microphone, Ryan.
I'm going to guess that another first time? Indeed. Hell yeah. Well, congratulations, Ryan.
Absolutely. I could tell by your 45-second-long setup about how people lie a lot. I'm going to be honest with you. By that period, I was hoping you didn't have a joke.
And then you went into the Lizzo thing. I'm like, fuck, all of that for that? I was just hoping you were going to do this form of comedy, which is the opposite of comedy, which is just setups. I was going to really compliment it.
It's like, wow, that could really be a thing. And then maybe there's a puzzle where you send a video to the audience afterwards, and it's like, boom, this punchline that makes their heads explode or something like that. But I thought you were just going to talk about people lying a lot, just a pretty sad, negative subject, and then nothing was going to come out of it. Have you ever thought about just saying people lie a lot, like Lizzo wants you to think, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, and going straight into it?
Did that ever cross your mind? Are you like, I really need to let these fucking people know that people lie a lot? Yeah, pretty much. Right at the tip of there.
Pretty much. That's not an answer to anything I asked you. Pretty much. Did you ever consider shortening the front end of that and just getting to the Lizzo part?
I did, but I didn't prepare a ton of materials. No, you prepared a minute. Also, his front end has already been shorted enough by God. It's a small dick joke.
Fuck! Why'd you make a small dick joke there? Look at him. You're just assuming this guy has a small dick?
Yeah. Oh, okay. Jesus. Wow.
All right, Joel. Is it? Not really. Not really.