KILL TONY #58

Thanks for listening to Kill Tony, listen to and follow Kill Tony on Amazon Music or just ask Alexa, play the podcast Kill Tony on Amazon Music. Also with Amazon Music Unlimited, you can now listen to your favorite music podcasts and audiobooks all in the Amazon Music app. Hey, this is Brian and you are listening to Kill Tony here at Desquod. Today is the day, actually, today, July 23rd, Wednesday.

I am driving down the San Diego, me, Tony Hinchcliffe, the girls, a Iron Patriot and a bunch of people are going down to the American Comedy Company for a huge week of Desquod shows for Comic Con 2014, which starts today. So, if you are listening to this today, go down to San Diego, go to American Comedy Go dot com and check out Kill Tony at 8 p.m. followed by a Thunder Pussy and then the following day, tomorrow, we have a huge comedy show with Bert Kreischer, Steve Aji, Tiffany Haddish, Billy Bemel, Yoshi Aviashi. If I said that right, a bunch of people are going to be there and a huge surprise guest that I am not allowed to tell you because of contracts and stuff.

So anyways, go to American Comedy Code dot com or go to desquod.tv and click on tour dates. There you have the new tour date calendar. You also see that next month and a few weeks, me and Sam Tripoli are going to Florida. I'm going to be in Tampa, August 8th, Jacksonville, August 9th, and August 10th going to be in Orlando, me, Sam Tripoli, bringing Desquod to Florida for the first time.

So go check that out. And then way out in September, we have the LA podfest and we're planning something huge this year. Last year we had Mark Marin, Doug Benson, it was a huge Kill Tony show this year. I'm bringing Kill Tony back, but I'm, there's going to be a huge surprise.

Alright, so check it out. Go to desquod.tv, click on tour dates. Also check out the new Desquod store, shop squad.tv. We have new t-shirts, hoodies, hats, toys, posters, flats, stickers.

We have everything and all the proceeds that we get from everything helps pay for this. And I said helps because it doesn't pay for everything. But I tried, I tried not to go bankrupt. So anyways, check it out.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. What really quenches my thirst is diet squirt, caffeine-free thirst quencher, diet squirt, less than 1% juice. And fun fact of the year, that was the same year that Hitler seized control of Germany army and put Nazi in key post. Diet squirt, a delicious thirst squencher since 1956.

1938. That's the same year that Germany, Hitler took over in 1938? Yeah, they entered Austria. Why are these all German invasion facts?

Because that's why they made squirt. So, yeah, this is the, perhaps the greatest beginning to any show ever. So loud in here. Diet squirt, delicious.

People are getting drink orders. This is very exciting. I love these three guys right here. They're from one of my favorite bands.

What's in your band? Fart. For those of you listening, go listen to some fart. Hanging out with us.

Anyway, diet squirt, delicious and awesome. We have a fun, Kill Tony's coined a comic con at the end of July, July 23rd. July 23rd, Kill Tony and Thunder Pussy is going to get the American comedy co if you're a comic, right there and hour early. I think it'll be like seven o'clock, sign up.

Depending on how many people are in the show, you probably won't have to buy a ticket if you're a comedian. So don't worry about that. But it should be a lot of fun. And then the following day, we just have a comedy show, July 24th starring Berg Kreischer is going to be joining us July 24th.

So it's going to be a lot of fun. We're going to have a lot of surprise guests because there's always a bunch of comics in town for that. I want to do some stage times. I always have fun in San Diego.

I once had a bird shit in my mouth in San Diego, guys. That actually happened. I wasn't laying on the beach. It got me when a friend made me laugh really hard.

And my head went back just for a second. And that bird shit in my mouth. Do you remember what it tastes like? Was it blueberry?

Was it warm? I remember exactly what it tasted like because a bird shit in my mouth. And that doesn't happen very often. That does it taste like regular poop?

Or is it? It seems like it would be more sugary. It's a good question if it tastes like regular poop or not. When you say regular poop, do you mean human poop?

Yeah, like when you don't wipe so good and you get your mouth and you have to have everyone's done it. Now nobody knows what you've done that. That's you. The porn star shit in your mouth once?

No. Thank God. Absolutely not. I haven't had a porn star do anything in my mouth.

All right. So you know what poop smells like? I saw the line with porn stars at my mouth. There's a line right there.

Really? Well, yeah. I mean, yeah, you know, I don't ever have a thing where I pooped on my hand and then itched my mouth. You know what shit smells like though.

Does it taste like the smell though? Bird shit tastes like salty. Salty seafood. Oh, that's not that bad.

By the way, we serve food here at the Comedy Store, check contenders and chips and salsa, I do believe. But anyway, always keeping us safe. We always have a head of security on the show guys. And this is we always have a patriot to protect us.

And this is July 4th weekend coming up. So it's a real special patriot as if it's not wasn't always every week, but it's the return of one of our favorite patriots ever. Wow, this has to be something very American. Well, in the in the style of going against the grain, I decided to bring back one of our most un-American patriots ever.

It is truly the Iranian patriot everybody. Hormos Rashid. The Iranian. Oh, look at him.

The Iranian dances to get it started. He's extremely Iranian. How you doing today, patriot? It's not a little sarcastic there.

Congratulations on our independence, but I'll take it anyway. Looks like he has his girlfriend scarf. Ooh. There's no Jews here.

Of course you do. Nothing says I love Jews more than. Diet's word. That's right.

Since 1938. You ever drank diet's word, patriot? That's when you make any random script, right? All right.

Obviously the Iranians didn't do so well in the World Cup today. Your sense of humor is a little bit off. Yeah. We've asked, we should have Trinity kick against Argentina.

That's in with Ray clap, Argentina. All right. So far, I could have heard a pin drop after everything that you've said so far, but I love your style. You're coming in as like the bad guy, patriot, very villainous and dark and evil.

So I'm glad that you're looking over us. Nothing better than an Iranian patriot who in our defense if anything happens will just blow up the entire room with himself in it. They're not really the best at security. But what's awesome is that of course we always have two guests, two of our funniest friends come on.

This one's a very special one to me because I have one of my favorite partners in crime and first time who's also the manager of the comedy store and the co-host of the Norm MacDonald podcast. We're here to get together for our guests tonight. It's the great Kirk Fox and Adam Egan everybody. It's really happening.

Adam, one of my great friends. It makes me laugh every single nightmare in the powerful and mighty Kirk Fox. A kill Tony favorite and favorite comics and pals. Good to be here Tony.

Thank you so much. Have you guys. And also good to see you. Sometimes you wonder why I don't ever say hi and you know it's mostly internal but good to see.

Good to see you guys. And that's our patriot. Yeah, I got scared when you said you could hear a pin drop because I thought he had maybe a pull degree. And we're off and running.

Thank you very much. Bringing the thunder. Tied it in. I pin drop grenade and I have to.

It confirms that this is a live audience because I couldn't get it rolling. I had a pitch. I have a deal with squirt right there. I made a deal with.

I got out here when I did. You were losing people. Exactly. It's this weird deal I signed with squirt where not only are they are new sponsor but I have to mention them.

I guarantee 10 times before I bring up the patriot. Well, you're at two. So how much you got it from sport? These cans of the sport.

They can't. It's really it. We are getting paid in cans of sports. So you know this is a joke I'm about to say everybody listening to the podcast.

But if anybody in the audience wants to buy a diet squirts from us we have an abundance of them. Now when you say squirts and put an S on it does it still count? I mean you have to say squirts. Yeah, they want you to buy more than one.

So they probably like it. We know we should do we should shake this as hard as we can and then somebody that comes in like we said hey do you want to squirt and then we go watch. Brian we had the room going so well. I guess you felt that the laughter wasn't enough.

Whacking hijinks wouldn't sue. We mean we have to be honest that would be fun. Maybe for Josh. Josh you want to count a squirt.

We want to open a can of squirt here on stage. Fair enough. Actually we fire Josh this week and we have a new producer. I know that sounds like Josh but it's actually not Josh.

Did you know that? No, I didn't. Well, I'll tell you right now. I mean he looks different.

He's carrying himself with a lot more confidence. Yeah, that mystery man is actually a we fire Josh at the end of last week's episode. He was spilling tequila on us and stuff like that. Exodenowy, you know, he's got a little speech impediment.

So this week we hired the there was one guy that applied for his job and we hired him. It's a picture hands together for our newest show runner and the great Luchedora Martine. Here he is. But squirts are totally different than Josh Martin.

No, no, no. You got to know. You want to say something you want to say something into the microphone. See?

Can you sign in? That should help. Why don't you enjoy it and I swear. He's definitely by.

I don't know if lingual is the. Oh, this is the worst idea. It's always in your face. Yeah, loser.

Is it delicious? It tastes like garbage. Oh, we just cut that out. We can edit that out.

Oh, look at that. Very good. It's still trying to make up for those lost jokes. Have you ever noticed that you never see Luchedora and Josh Martin in the same room at the same time?

It's odd. You know what? I haven't even thought of that. You don't think you don't think that they could possibly be.

Oh, I thought you. I thought you don't think it was retarded. Oh, Josh, what are you doing back here? You're fired.

You just miss Luchedora. That's one of the worst sketches that we've ever improvised in a history of Kill Tony. Turns out I thought Josh in a Luchedora mask was a lot funnier than. Halfway through that people were hoping it had been a grenade.

It's these corporate sponsors, man. They're changing the show. Josh, just a comedy note from now on. It's funny as if when I say you want to say something that you would actually talk exactly how you normally talk because your speech impediment is what's funniest.

So when you said see, you gave me nothing to work with. But there you go. Very good. All right.

Yikes. I love Josh Martin. I believe in him. He used to be a manager at McDonald's who used to sponsor the show, but they dropped us.

Turns out they weren't loving it after all. But we're moving on. It's important for the audience to see how hard comedy is. It's true.

It's true. I mean, they're getting a first hand look at some of the most powerful people in the world bombing on a microphone. It's true. It's true.

The Iranian patriot. I'm not the most powerful, but thank you. I just keep mentioning sponsors over and over again. I've completely sold my soul for Kansas.

So it's really has affected your time and your comedy. It's true. My comedy is not. I'm just pointed out.

Swirt may be not worth it. It's true. That's what I'm saying. I'll I'll I'll I'll attack the school.

I'm going to write a letter to my friends over at Squirt and negotiate this promotion. Can they read over that? I'm going to write a letter and I can't write a letter to the makers of Squirt. Sometimes you think that sense been uttered and write a letter to my friends over at Squirt.

What is going on with this episode so far? This has been kind of weird. Do I love it? Sweet.

No. First of all, I'm enjoying it. It's nice to be a part of it. Laughter isn't crucial.

It's more about education tonight. And I hear the help. If you want to laugh or you could have got somebody else, this is serious time. Absolutely.

These people laugh all day. A lot of them peek before they even got here. And I'll be honest, I'm thinking about some emails I got to get to. Oh, you son of a bitch.

Now Adam is not only the manager of the comedy store. This is the first time since Tommy made a guest appearance on the show that a comedy store, you know, Bigwig, one would call you, even though you have such a short style haircut, one could easily call you a Bigwig. I sure you're not. I did not know that you were manager here.

Oh, yeah. You just go to random people. I didn't ask, can you give me my chest? Yeah.

I thought you were in control of that room. So you're the manager here? I am. I am.

I am. I am. It's a common thing. I know.

I had no idea. I'm more. This is good. I had a lot of questions for you.

I didn't know that they'd be. Well, I feel like a microphone. This has already been productive for you, at least. Well, I got out of the house and I'm meeting new people.

Good. Good. It's also the cohost of the Norm McDonald pot. Someone did have to be in.

It was me. Yeah. I got to see him do stand up live for the first time I've ever seen him live just a few nights ago. And I giggled like I haven't since I first saw the my first stand up comedians.

You remember how when you first got into the years? Is that almost a laugh or you know, I mean, I laugh in between the giggles like it was what that's what I'm saying. It's like I was cracking up so hard that I was just slamming stuff and laughing in between on his setups and on 20 sounds like it showed that you've seen every word that came out of his mouth was funny. Every style that he did it.

It was unbelievable. It's impressive. Yeah. That's all new stuff.

My favorite weekend update guy ever. Yeah, he was flawless. Did you guys meet when you used to work in Arizona? Yeah, we I was managing over there actually at the time the first time I met him I was a server and then we just went out and played poker and talked about old film The Wars and shit and we would play poker to like noon the next day.

And he had to you know, he would stay. I'd have to get out. I'd have to go in and go in and work. Yes, serve.

And this guy. No, I got to get there and sing some fruit and cheese platters and shit. You went from server at an Arizona comedy club to manager of the world famous comedy. You went from a server to a ticket.

Well, do you remember when you first moved out here before you got a job here? We had taught we were talking. That's right. And you go Brian, I got an offer to go to the comedy store or there was something else.

Yeah, a tour manager for Road Manager for Norm. Yeah, Road Manager for Norm McDonald. And I said Norm McDonald. Yeah, don't hands down.

Do not take this job at the store. You're an idiot. You'll kill your you'll kill your your. So you ended up doing both because he doesn't do a lot of road.

Well, no, yeah, he does some road. No, I just took the job. Yeah, I went against Redman's advice. Was I correct though?

If I would go back in time and I think I did. I think I made the right choice. Yeah, because he probably can't cancel that tour, right? Yeah, I mean, he cancels a lot of stuff.

This has been great. It's a lot of fun. It's fun working at the store. You know, hang out with my friends and and Turk.

Well, Adam's one of the funniest. So with the manager. Oh, I love it. I know that would be happening tonight.

I love it. So any comedians that get up here, you have a chance to speak directly with with the manager of the comedy store, one of them and one of the managers of the comedy store. But definitely one of the funniest, one of my funniest pals. I'm glad to have you there.

Thank you. I reckon, Patriot, did you have any questions for our guests? Kurt, as everybody knows, Kurt is huge within the Iranian community. Am I?

And it's good to know. I have a community. Where is that community? I'd like to.

I've never even seen it. It's mostly in Westwood. Okay, I've not been there. But they asked a question.

I wanted to convey to you. Why not? This is your name? K family guy to be Ron.

I mean, I'm too. Yes, of course. Why not? I would say yeah, my favorite food is pizza.

There you go. So I mean, thank you for you to even bring that up. Yeah, pizza. Thank you.

How about for Adam? Do you have a question for Adam? How many Iranian girls have you flucked? Zero.

Yeah. Zero. I'm sorry. I didn't even know that it was an option.

Oh, it's not for me. For anyone. Can you fuck Iranian women? How many Iranian women have you slept with?

This is what I want to know. You're an Iranian, right? Really? Is that true?

Yeah. I've always wanted to. Yeah, it's like a forbidden fruit kind of thing. It's like sleeping with the enemy.

Is it kind of risky, though, like you take off for like curtains and you're like, Oh, shit. Too late. I have to sleep with her. No joke.

They are the hairy. They're pretty hairy girls. But once they get older, they start learning about near and stuff and they're so beautiful. Nice.

Would you marry a woman? No. No. Why?

Why is that such a power you said no? We have against your people. Most of you women hang out like in large groups of Iranians. For safety?

For safety? For safety? It's not like a national geographic. It's driving a herd of a cell of Iranians.

Yeah, they always describe it as a cell. Yeah. I never thought about it, but it's something to think about now. Sounds wonderful.

Yeah. It's a group of Iranian women just dropped right in the middle. Absolutely. Yeah, I've always to answer your question.

No, I haven't. I've always wanted to sleep with a pervert. You have a sister, Hormuz? I do have an older sister.

Yeah. She's married. I do get this, but well, she's not cheating. She's not trying.

There you go. High five on that. I didn't even hear it or understand it, but I'll high five to it all day. Guys, you know the show comedians get pulled out of a bucket.

They do one minute comedians. You know your minutes up when you hear the sound of a kitty cat. Aw, how cute. That means wrap it up or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Obviously starting as a night. There's a little night club West Hollywood bear for you. That sounds so much. Oh man.

So there we go. You guys ready? This is Josh. What number is this?

58? Episode 58 of Kill Tony. Here we go. Oh, you know what?

Something crazy. This is the first ever episode out of all 58 that at the end of the last episode, I made a joke about how the audience cost this guy him getting up because I had to put another guy up who got blacklisted earlier on in this guy didn't get up even though I had already pulled his name. So I told him he could go up first this week for the first time ever. Our first set person in a lineup put your hands together for the one minute of Steve Kachronia.

Fucking boy. Don't it like bitch out. Have a fucking pause. Please.

All right. Thank you. Thank you for having me. Let's let's get into it.

What my least favorite feelings in the world fellas. Maybe you can feel me on this. You're with your lady. You're making sweet sweet love.

You're on top and her hands begin to crawl up your arms and then all of a sudden the search party begins all of a sudden for all the muscles. This is not the time for judgment. Okay. All right.

I've already got the shicks. I don't need any more acknowledgement of what's going on fellas. This happens. Stay in the pocket.

Okay. This is the worst judgment I ever got. I was with my ex girlfriend and I drooled all over her back and she was pissed. She was turned around.

She was death eyes or pussy clenched its teeth. It was fucking bad. But I stayed in the pocket. And you know what?

One of us had a great time. So I got that going on for me. All right. You know what?

We'll just we'll just end it there. I'm Steve. Fifty seconds. I can see there's a 51 second.

There was a nine second. So there was a space out for laughter that didn't happen. No. So let me get this right.

Steve. You're talking about a woman grabbing her arm. Yeah. And then your version of staying in the pocket when that happens instead of panicking is drooling.

Oh, okay. Those two examples. You should have a search party to find my muscles. That was what it was.

Yeah. I didn't understand the drilling part. I didn't get really. It was just a different example of getting judged in the bedroom and plowing.

Now you think that she was actually judging you or do you think she was just grabbing your arm and maybe that was just in turn like your own. It was probably more internal than anything else. I can understand that. Self-conscious.

I like your persona, your delivery and the inflection. I hear a lot of David telling you. I think maybe it's just me. Did you not hear anything?

I hear David telling you only in the way that it looks like you ate David Tell. Anyway, one thing that I do find interesting though is that any woman that would grab your arms, I mean, they got to sort of know what you look like, what they're in for with that. I saw the trailer. She bought the ticket to the movie.

I mean, you're there. I think they'd be more shocked if there was pure hard rock muscles under that. I mean, you do look like the top half of a centaur. However, you don't seem like the kind of guy that would be really ripped to me.

But the truth is, you know, you do look like you might have some muscle there. So that kind of threw me a little because already I was like, this guy got a little more muscle than me. But I did like the way you attacked it. You came out and attacked it.

But you attacked it so hard that you blew through some of the joke. I mean, we still want to hear what you're talking about. So even when you come up here, take a deep breath. It's only going to use up five seconds, which you had at the end.

So you can catch your breath and then just start talking about it. You know, and trust your material. You were bowing out of it while you were doing it. I was.

Yeah. And don't ever do that again. I'm sorry. I won't.

I'm sorry. I won't. You came down here and you parked. So you get up here on stage and you change lives.

Now, what do you do to work? Do you work out? Not with any regularity. What's the closest like what do you do regularly that could count is working out?

I mean, push ups sit ups and have a pair of dumbbells. I take the dust off them every now and again and get them out. Where do you leave the dumbbells when you put them away? Where do you put them?

Under your bed. No, just next to it. Next to it. Yeah.

See now, now, personally, I find it more interesting the way you're talking right now. Okay. I mean, I think you can get up there and still believe in yourself, but you don't have to speed it up because you're you're chilled guy. Right?

Are you chilled? Yeah, usually. Yeah. So just a little bit of nerves and one minute like I want to get it all in there.

Yeah, but you want to get it all in there or you want to get it in there enough to at least get some laps. Yeah, that's true. So just get a little in there. Sometimes just the tip of your dick is funny.

It's true. The classic blunder that seems to sometimes throw people off on the shows, they try to squeeze too much into the minute instead of having the minute shine on its own. Iranian Hatria, what do you think of Steve Catronio? I love Steve Catronio.

You, Tran drooling on the girl. That's great. You know, I'd switch it to Spinning Honor maybe. Wow, look at that.

We're in America now. We drool. We don't spit. Who would have thought the Iranians?

I thought the Iranians would be. I thought the Iranians would be. I thought the Iranians would be. But uh, I thought he put a good effort.

What? The point's in my decision. I thought he was a good effort. Okay, Patriot.

That's enough of you. Just trust your material. That's all I can tell you because you got some funny stuff in there. But you just tried to squeeze too much in there and then you you did you blew you canceled yourself out.

You didn't even finish some of those jokes. Yeah. Yes. So finish one of them instead of not finishing four.

Thank you. Steve Catronio. Thank you so much. Thanks, Steve.

I love when women are when they are working out. They're like, Oh my God, feel my muscle. And my favorite thing to do is just like a pinch the top part of the fat. You know, like they expect you to go like this.

Oh, I do that. I know why. How often are you around checks when they're working out? I mean, where do you do?

Work out it? Oh, girl, section of the gym? No, I don't work out. I don't know.

But you know what I'm saying. Girl, you don't need to work out. You have to follow us. That is so funny.

It's a great like bumper sticker. Bring your hands together for Joe Marisi. Thanks, guys. Don't you guys feel that in the movie big starring Tom Hanks, that Tom Hanks's character could have just been a guy jerking off the whole time.

You know, it was this little peel list little dick kid. And the next day he's a 35 year old hairy dick grown man with gallons of semen like he's just not going to play with himself for about a week. Why would you go somewhere? Don't you guys feel that in the movie cast away starring Tom Hanks?

The Tom Hanks's character could have just been a guy jerking off the whole time. It's like, dude, you're stuck on this island. Nobody's coming for you. Just knock down some of these coconuts.

Squirt on some of that water. Just get a tan and jerk off for a while, man. Don't you guys? Was the next one for us, Scott?

The terminal was next. It's beautiful. Listen, I think it's a good theme. Yeah.

Listen, I like how you believed in what you were talking about. I went on that ride. Yeah. More like Tom's Spanx.

Squirt, squirt. Since 1938. I'll be honest, I never have. I've never thought about that.

I never, I never watched big and thought, this guy should be jerking off. But you know what? I thought that was hilarious. I think it's true.

I think it's, I think if I was 12 and I woke up 35, I'd be jerking off and playing the piano with my feet. Yeah. Which one's terminal remind me of the airport? Yeah.

I would like to help you as too easy though. I see that one. Yeah. Ades and jerking off is easy.

Yeah. Yeah. I like to see the terminal though. I would have got lost by the terminal.

I thought you were going like on Golden Pond next or something like that. Throw us for a curveball. I'm trying to go with Joe versus the ball. Paino.

I think like, yeah, but only what? Like four people. Probably so many movies that you can jerk up. Look, I thought, yeah, you stopped out of the game.

You had confidence in your material on I thought it was very funny. Yeah, I liked it. Yeah, you got mail. That's right.

A racket patriot. What's another one? I mean, for scum, he would have sleepless in Seattle. It's a perfect title for somebody who'd be jerking off all night.

I mean, Apollo, you're stuck up in zero gravity. You can tie that into a load. But somebody's. This could be a half an hour long closer.

Yeah. You could be the top thing. You could probably do an hour. Oh, yeah.

Come on. You're telling me that, yeah, you just storm the beach in Normandy. You don't want to rub one out after? Yeah, that was great.

That was very funny. He does. I mean, I can't twice. I thought it was fantastic.

I love how you'll let you. You always have somebody that reminds you of something like a young brother. It's like a young David Tell. What do I say?

It's a good angle. It's like a young Tom Hanks. Oh, hi. Perfect.

I love Joe Bursa Volcano. Have you guys seen that? Yeah. I love that movie.

I think it doesn't get credited to serves. Yeah, I agree. That's pretty sure the volcano. I should say.

I don't know. Can I remember that great scene about him? Can you get the job? Can you do the job?

Can you do the job? It's like five minutes long. Great. You can pick up the one.

They're indicating something. Yeah. Patriot. What do you got?

I was going to say Apollo 13 with the other one you do. If you're not going to show this. You should not hear me saying that. I didn't want to say that.

I'm honest. It wasn't in Farsi. So he couldn't understand. Toysoire.

Oh, yeah. I mean, for a character named Woody, he should be jerking off. Yeah. There it is.

Take it on the road. It's a 40 minutes later. I'm still just kidding. Right.

Yeah. What the fuck are we doing here? Sorry, everybody who signed up. Well, I think you know you were successful.

I think you know you did well tonight. You can actually. No, Marisi. Thank you, guys.

Carling it. He's on Twitter at Joe Marisi, Joe M-A-R-R-E-S-E. And don't forget about Steve Katrina. I was on Twitter at Steve.

I'm going to watch you take Tom Hanks movie again without thinking. I'm surprised you're not jerking off. I'm not going to be jerking off in this thing. Tom Hanks.

The catholics. Ooh. Kind of ship. With Haitians.

Yeah. You got to relieve the stress of being taken hostage. I think the scene was probably in the director's cut. Fuck yeah.

I love the energy in this room tonight, guys. I just want to say that I thank you for coming out. This is the most exciting of anything I've ever done before. Pre-hands together for your next comedian.

It's Stretch. S-H-B. Wow, that's a long name. That's a long name.

I don't want to get tested. I don't want to get tested. I don't want to get tested. Thank you very much, guys.

Happy to be here. A little bit of pain. I got a pensioner in my next shoulder area. I'm pretty sure I got it at work from carrying around all this unsuccessful.

I do have a day job now. I work in a restaurant. It's better than my last day job. Well, not really.

I used to sell cocaine. I was a big Hollywood drug dealer for 13 years. It's a nice job. A lot of money.

The first question, the number one question asked about me being a drug dealer is, well, I just fucked that whole joke out. That's all right, your drug dealer, keep going. The number one question asked about me being a Hollywood drug dealer for 13 years is, do you have any now? That's the number one question asked.