Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Desquad. Go to our website, Desquad.tv, for all our links to all our shit, including videos to all the podcasts, and ways to subscribe to us on iTunes. But most importantly, click on the tour dates at the top of Desquad.tv, and that'll take you to our new tour date calendar. This week, Friday, August 8th, me and Sam Tripoli are bringing Desquad down to Florida.
August 8th will be in Tampa at the Crowbar. August 9th will be in Jacksonville at Underbelly. And August 10th will be in Orlando at Will's Pub. And then just added, August 16th, me, Ryan Sickler, and Sam Tripoli are going to be at Velvet Jones.
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Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the real famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Vol. 2. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe! Okay, everybody, wow, how exciting.
Josh, go to the green room, dude, go to the green room. People are out of control. Everything's always bonkers here. Hi, everybody, welcome.
It's Monday night, good to see you guys. It's like a real live show happening right now. This is very exciting. Fuck yeah, comedians in the top, how are you tonight?
All right, very good. A lot of energy. A lot of indica going around the comedy store, obviously. Not a sativa crowd, but we're going to have fun with it anyway.
You're quadruple fisting, I see. This is my first time seeing this. Oh, we got a new sponsor this week. New sponsor, everybody.
Squirt dropped us. We love Squirt, but it turns out that they weren't happy about you talking about mixing it with tequila to make margaritas. They said they were looking for a younger base. So you know what?
We said, why don't we contact an alcohol company? Sure enough, it turns out I checked my mailbox. They contacted us. Ace Perry Hard Cider.
Delicious. 5% volume by alcohol. For those of you that ever want a sweet, refreshing... It is summertime.
Am I right, guys? So what's better than a delicious, hard... Get ready for it. Pear Cider.
Everybody loves a delicious pear in the summertime. We're happy, too. I'll tell you what you can do with it. This is what I'm doing.
You take a little bit of Fireball and you put it in your mouth and then you drink a little of this. It's amazing. It tastes like a caramel apple or something. You know it's a pear.
I'm just glad that we're mixing liquors instead of a squirt. We enjoyed squirt. We had fun with McDonald's. We moved on to Ace Pear Hard Cider, guys.
So put your hands together for Ace Hard Cider, everybody. We're selling our soul one episode at a time. That's right. And it feels good.
We're not allowed to actually bring up apples. We're not supposed to be talking about pears. We might have already fucked up. We said the A word.
Guys, guess what? This is episode 60 of Kill Tony, everybody. 60. 60 times.
Six decades worth of episodes. And a lot of talking in the audience. Oh, it's a very, very... I believe if you guys want a megaphone to order your drinks...
Josh, can we get a megaphone? Yeah. Maybe mic them up. Maybe they're ordering some delicious...
Ace Perry Hard Cider. That's right. But we also have a fun announcement, guys. You may have remembered our killer appearance at the LA PodFest last year, where our guests were Mark Maron and Doug Benson.
That was the Los Angeles Podcast Festival that we did last year. We're going to be back this year. We're coming... Guys, what's going on over there?
I'm loving you. I love you guys. I love you. Just a little bit less.
No, you can't. We're doing a show here, if you haven't noticed. A little bit less volume. But yeah, we're going to be at the LA PodFest again this year.
And it's September 26th through the 28th. This time, they're actually going to be at a cool hotel downtown here in Hollywood. Beverly Hills, right? Yep.
So it's going to be a lot of fun at LAPodFest.com. Who knows the kind of guests that we will have this year. We have Maron and Benson, top-notch, on Kill Tony for that one. And it's going to be another fun one.
September 26th. Something like that. We have time. You'll hear it for nine more weeks.
So get used to it. We are going to Comic-Con in two weeks. Is it next week? Next Wednesday, we're at Comic-Con.
Kill Tony 62 will be live from Comic-Con. We have our guests lined up. Top secret. Super fun.
It's going to be out of control. So if any comedians want to make a road trip for going to Comic-Con, feel free to sign up at the American Comedy Company that night, right before the show starts. That's July 23rd. Kill Tony live from Comic-Con.
And Tiffany Haddish will be joining us. Oh, we can announce that. Tiffany Haddish. Maybe you know her as the Queen Bee of the Death Squad, the Nicki Minaj of Queefing.
Multi-talented, super funny, and we're happy to have her. Some other big people, too. And it's going to be a blast. We, on the other hand, are on episode 60 right now.
And just like with every other episode, we always have someone to protect us, keep an eye on us, keep us safe at all times. It used to be the Iron Patriot, but he left us, and we replaced him each week with a new Patriot. This is this guy's third time. This is how good he is at defending us.
Some of you know him as the autistic kid that is out of control around at the comedy store, and he is autistic, and he is not afraid to apologize about it. One of the funniest rising comedic talents in the entire world, one of my best pals. Put your hands together for Joshua Meyerowitz, the autistic Patriot. Look at this big baby.
You are adorable. How's it going, Josh? I'm good. Sorry I didn't know I wasn't supposed to wait at the top of the stairs.
No, it's okay. It's just really distracting because you're all lit up and stuff. Ah, yes. That makes sense.
Heck yeah. How's it going? I'm good. Just came back from a stomach virus, so I'm alive.
You got pooping? A lot of pooping. I almost was yelling at my own stomach. Just let me throw up.
Just let me throw up. No, it was like dysentery. It was awful. Fuck yeah.
I can't tell where the autism starts in the... Jewiness. All right, fuck. I'm not a Jew.
I'm not a Jew. It's so Jewy and autistic at the same time. It's so hard to tell. All I was asking myself was just to throw up.
I always say I was born with autism, but everything else is my parents' fault. That's right. They're super Jewy, right? Not really.
You're going to turn into Seth Rogen right there. Oh, my God. And you've been on a little diet lately, huh? Yeah, it's been up and down, but I'm trying.
I walk in a lot. Yeah. Walking a lot while eating, what, apple fritters? Hey, that's a good exercise.
One bite per mile. Oh, I see. All right. No, no, no.
I love how you keep the lights pointed towards your stomach. Oh, no, no. It feels like I can tell already. We should.
Oh, I see. Fuck yeah. Hell yeah. I didn't really realize how big your head was until right now, because I can see the top of your head and the bottom of your chin through that mask.
Most Patriots, the mask covers their face, but with you, still some hanging out. I like that. But only I could say I was large all over. Fuck yeah.
Well, we're happy to have you back. The Autistic Patriot, everybody, is going to be with us. Thank you, Tony. Thank you, Brian.
You're welcome. Have some fun with us. Two of my funniest friends, two of my favorite people in the world. They're your guests tonight.
Two of the smartest comics, TV, extraordinaires, very funny pals. Bring your hands together for the great Steve Ranazzisi and Andrew Sanzino. Wow. Like the legend of the thing.
How fun. Thank you. Welcome. Andrew, hello.
So fun. Welcome, welcome, guys. Good to see you. Check, check, check, check.
There we go. Thank you. Thank you for having us. Hello, everyone.
How are you guys? Yeah, there you go. All right. It's that Monday value of energy that we all love.
Yeah, real high. Thanks for coming out, you guys. Appreciate it, guys. Thank you so much.
Like this specimen right here, keeping an eye on us. Is the mic supposed to be there? Yeah. Is it a onesie?
Mostly, yeah. Yeah. Is it zipped in the back and turned around? Yeah, yeah.
To the most part. So somebody put you in there? So it's hard to get all around. It's zippers holding on for dear life.
Who got the short straw to put you in there? Josh Martin, okay. Somewhere in Mexico where they make those, some little seven-year-old that's fishing that is like, for grown-ups? I can't wrap his head around the fact that someone would buy that ever.
And this is what it's used for. And he's starving at night, so have fun. Enjoy your bit. Somewhere inside there, the word husky is written, right?
Extra, extra. Extra husky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Awesome.
Congratulations, man. Normally, this is part of the show where the Patriot always asks the guests a question. Patriot, do you have any questions for our guests tonight? I'd like to start with Andrew.
Yeah. First question. We're friends, right? Oof.
Oof. Is there a decoder ring that comes with that suit? A verbal decoder ring? You know, what did he say?
He said, Andrew, we're fine, right? We're friends, right? We're fine. We're fine.
Okay, question. No, we're friends. We're friends. We're friends.
We're friends. I appreciate it. Yeah, the secret to Hollywood is that no one is allowed to drink on sets unless you've blown one of the head writers, and that's the only reason why. Otherwise, I would have, yeah, but I just can't.
I just can't. You know what I mean? So, no, we didn't drink on set. Any other bad questions?
I love you. I love you. I love you. What do you got for Steve?
Steve, being on the show, it's all about fantasy football and whatnot. How much into sports are you actually? Cast 2. I am actually very into sports.
I grew up playing sports and still love to follow sports, but the rest of the cast, not so much. Really, Nick Roll is. He's into sports. John LeJoy is Canadian, so he's into...
I know. Yeah, that's like hockey, and yeah, that's about it. You're the only real sports fan. The rest of them are art facts.
You're in there. That's what my dad would say. Art facts. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's no throwing a baseball around in between takes on my show. But tomorrow, I get to do a thing with football players, so they write scenes for me because they know that I can do that kind of stuff. Like throw a football. And you guys write a lot of that, right?
Well, the script, it's just outlines. There are like 10-page outlines for each episode, so we improvise the scene. The scene is written kind of like, this is how we start, and this is where we're going to get to, and here's some stuff we might want to touch in the middle, but let's go. And that's how we do it.
It's like trying to make each other laugh. Yeah, like curb your enthusiasm. Trying to make each other laugh. If we're laughing, then, you know, we can't use it.
So what the fuck can I take your shit together? It's like curb without as many Jews. Yes, we have a Jew limit. It's curb self-juice.
There's a harsh Jew ceiling on our shelf. Josh, it sounds like you'll never be on the league. Yes. Unless you audition in that outfit.
We'll find something for you. I think I don't always wear this outfit. Nailed it. Good job, I think.
Josh, is that all for your questions? Oh, yeah. Josh, you're fine, Josh. Stay calm.
Do I have a question for you? Yeah. Are we friends, man? Yeah.
Cool. I have a follow-up for that question? Yeah. Well, I got rid of the microphone.
Does that outfit breathe? No. Okay. Should we be worried about your house?
Are you sweating all right? Are you marinating in that thing? What a bummer here, man. What a bummer to die in that thing.
Yeah. That would be such a good thing. We're not taking that off, by the way. You're going straight to everything in that outfit.
Well, when they see you. Yeah. All right. You know what?
I had that moment when your old aunt, Trudy, tries to tell a joke at a busy dinner table and just does that to the room. And you're like, oh, Trudy, don't do it anymore. Don't try to tell jokes. No one's laughing.
Comedy's not funny. My confidence is soaring. No, I love you. You're killing it.
Much love. Much love is Josh's catchphrase. All right. Josh, thank you so much.
I'm glad to have you guys here. You guys ready to get this thing started? Love you, Josh. Absolutely.
Thanks, man. Very excited about this. Comedians, you know how it works. For those of you that are new, you get 60 seconds.
You'll know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the meow of a kitty. Aw, how adorable. That means you've got to wrap up your time right then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Extra angry tonight.
He has a gun. He just attacked a horse there at the end. So you don't want to bring out that guy. So respect the sound of the kitty.
Do your time. Let's not bring out that bear. If only for the podcast listeners, ears alone. Every week they complain.
Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian tonight. Do you want a minute? Put your hands together for Bo Scott. Here he is.
Bo Scott, everybody. Hey, guys. How are you? It's great to be here.
I was at a club actually with my buddy Tino yesterday. We walked in. He was like, yo, man, why is there so many fucking dudes in here? I was like, Tino, we're in the men's restroom.
We were actually in the men's restroom, man. We went to see this DJ. He was playing dance music, which was kind of cool, but nobody was dancing because they were all just sitting there filming that shit. Just crazy around their phones so much, man.
Seriously, dude. I was like, this is bullshit, man. Why can't we just live in the moment? I was so pissed off I had to tweet that shit.
This is bullshit. Why can't we just live in the moment? No, people are on their phones a lot, man. Like, I want to check my status right now.
I actually just did. I'm just kidding. Just kidding, two dicks. I love that you have a friend named Tino.
I do. He's not white. Is he Latino? I think so, actually.
Interesting. Interesting. And what concert were you guys at? We were at a Deadmau5 show in Vegas.
Last night? That was fabricated. Where does that guy get off having the SBO5? The what?
Deadmau5. Oh, yeah. Are there more than one Deadmau5? I've always thought about that.
Deadmau5 is a band in Portland. I just, where does that guy, who does he think he is? Who do all these fucking DJs think they are to begin with? Right.
Isn't it crazy that society's like, what, they're so awesome. People like that. They love it, man. They just lay on airplanes now.
They're popping up everywhere. Yeah, they are. I love it. Do you see the popping off everywhere?
They're popping up. They're popping up everywhere. And popping off, too. It's amazing to me that he gets to wear a mask.
Like, you know, he gets to just be ugly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It shouldn't be a lot in show business. Yeah, get the fuck out of here.
Yeah. Ugly person? Right. Nobody's really good looking.
All comedians are pretty much ugly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But we don't go up there with a mouse head on. We should be doing it before we do.
Some of us should. Do you know what it looks like without the mask on? No, that's what I'm saying. It could be four of them running around.
It's like, if Tony did meth his wife and got tattoos. He looks like Tony. Deadmau5 was actually on the Deadmau5 podcast. I actually know Deadmau5 pretty well.
Oh, shit. Excuse us. How long are you going to let us battle on for, right, man, before you kindly interrupted us with your depth of knowledge? He's just like, yeah, and Diplo's my cousin.
Avicii's my nephew. What's more interesting is, I blew DJ EZ Rock last week. Does that count? Daft Punk.
You know, both of them wear masks. A lot of people don't even know what he looks like. They look like. It's weird that electronic music has, you know, started wearing costumes.
I feel so bad now. for saying what I said now. Because these gentlemen are musicians as well and they deserve just like any other musician. There's comedians that I think are not funny.
Sia doesn't face the audience when she does her songs. Did you see her on Ellen? Yeah, now say it. Did you see her on Ellen?
We watched it. I saw her on Ellen. Summer, live. I taped it.
Summer's saying that Tiesto doesn't even press play at half of his concert. She has somebody else do it for him. He pays someone to play. That's what I'm saying.
There could be three Deadmau5s from all over the world right now. They don't know who knows who. Everyone's posting pictures of Deadmau5s. I'm going to go back on what I said.
I want to be a DJ. They get like 30 million bucks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To not do it.
To not do it. He's actually a DJ, by the way. Are you? Yes.
Let's talk about my shitty set. Wait a minute. No, no, no. Let's not talk about your shitty set.
First of all, let's talk about anything else. You would never, if you weren't where we were and you weren't in the audience, you would never know you weren't doing well because you're confident. Easy, buddy. Easy.
Because you really, like you had a confident, like you were like, I'm going through this minute regardless of what the reaction from the audience is going to be. And that's that. So number one, I give you kudos for that. That's a hard thing to do before you just like start to self-deprecate and shit on yourself.
Yeah. And I'll put some more whipped cream on that. This isn't an easy thing to do. No.
To fucking get up here with fucking us on stage. Like how obnoxious to do the thing that you're supposed to be comfortable in. And it's like, oh yeah, we're going to put four dudes up there staring at you. I thought the best I said they put this costume on.
Yeah. You're doing better than the security guard. It says Lieutenant Colonel James Rhodes on your head. Oh boy.
You just don't poke a bear in the zone. Opening that window up. Don't do that. Just nerd wins.
It's going to blow you right over. Did you go to Vegas with Tino to see Deadmau5? No. But what's funny is that actually did happen.
He did get really drunken. There's a whole session how I actually get into that. I just wanted to get that minute out of there. So it started right there.
What was the one with a lot of dudes in the club and in the bathroom? No. What was the one where you stuck a dick to be here? To pay rent to be here.
Where are you from? I'm from San Diego and Atlanta. San Diego and Atlanta. Cool.
This is a one bedroom. It's like, I don't know, anywhere from $3,200 to $4,200. How much for the? For what?
Shafir pays two grand for a hobble. I mean, it's a hoarder's paradise but it's a hobble. How's his location though? Great.
He's still in there. But anything is great there because you're there. So it's like, I mean, unless you're really fucking eking it out far away in the hood. If you're there, you're there.
It's all a good location. It's not like here where it's like, what's his location? He's like, he's south of the tent and you're like, where do you live? Tough.
I live in Hollywood in the ghetto. So it's not that expensive. What's the ghetto of Hollywood? It's like a thousand dollars and I don't get any.
A thousand bucks? Yeah. Studio? It's a three bedroom.
So, so, so, so. No, you live with two other dudes. Where do you have cross streets? One other dude.
We have a studio where I make really amazing music. Bo Scott, bonus, where Scott is my Twitter. I'm also a DJ. Remixer, I have a...
Wait, hold on. All right, so now I've got to ask you. I've got to ask you a question. Is this what you, is this like, what level of comedy did you see yourself getting to?
Is this like, I like to try this out. Is this like, I like to be funny when I mix records and I can say shit on the mic or is this like, I want to be honest. It's like I want to have a really big show and I don't know what it is yet but I know that one day if I keep doing this that it will manifest itself. So you want to talk to the audience if you're mixing or whatever it is.
I'm a really good host. I host shows. We'll be the judge of that. We'll just slow down.
How old are you? 30. I mean, yeah, fuck it. I think, I agree with what you're saying.
I was, no, I'm being serious. It's a piece of the puzzle. Stand up is a piece of the entertainment. If you were DJing here right now would be the first song that you'd play.
I'd play that one that goes, When I was a young war tag. What happened? There you go. What just happened?
Bo, we love you so much. Thank you. Bo Scott, everybody. Love you.
Wow. Please let's wear it. Bo underscore Scott. A part of me was like, am I that high?
Yeah. I mean, I am, but I was like, what is that? What just happened? I'm going to recalibrate my brain for a second.
Josh, you ever been to a nightclub or a place where there's like a real DJ playing? Yeah. What's that like for you? Uncomfortable.
I'm just not good at socializing unless I get into a conversation but then I'm actually ruined it by being me, asking about movies and comic books. Plus a DJ is playing in the background so it's hard to hear, right? Yeah. And then, of course, well, I haven't been to a nightclub in years so it used to be even worse because I'd apologize even more.
Why? Because I'm an erotic shit. No, you're not, dude. Don't keep saying that otherwise it may come true.
So like the time that you were at a nightclub, how did that happen? It was a friend's birthday and I just, I think it was a brother's friend of mine because, you know, he's a dude, she goes to the club. So then you walk in Yeah, I walk in and I'm just trying to for the first couple minutes just feeling things up and then I realize how out of place I am and it sucks because, you know, it doesn't feel good to not feel like you belong. Yeah, you're going to hold his brother on Saturday Night Fever, the priest, when he ran to the club, right?
Is that a reference everybody got? Perfect. Nailed it. Do you feel like you belong here?
Absolutely. Great, then you have your thing, you know what I mean? Yeah, fuck it, good. You belong here.
It got really sad. I was asking him questions to feed on the line and it just got sad. By the way, Josh, you're not missing a fucking thing. Nothing.
No, no, I know. I saw the Vapidness. Nice use of Vapid, buddy. Good job.
Good job. Quite the vernacular. Heck yeah. That's the best.
That's exciting. Heck yeah. What's inside your hands in one of those closet pushlights? Yeah.
You know those closet pushlights? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They got some work set up in here, so I'm like, they actually had a weird flash. Is that an iPhone in the middle?
No, no, no, no. Not that. No, dude, right up here. Why wouldn't they put an iPhone in?
That's such a good call. That's such a good iPhone. That's the case, too. You're set up.
You can go scuba diving with that thing. I pulled a new name. This should be fun. Every listener knows this guy as our accident-prone producer.
And sometimes, if he likes the panel, he actually signs up, and if he's lucky, he gets pulled out of the bucket, and it just happened. Put your hands together. Oh, yeah. Josh Martin, everybody.
Here he is. The legend killer, Josh Martin. Check, check, yeah. Hey, guys.
What's up? I'm a shitty person, guys. A real shitty person. And I'm okay with it.
I'm okay with being a shitty person. That's just who I am. I'm just being me. But my friends tell me, you guys aren't laughing, but that's the funny part.
Because the only thing worse than dying with a small dick is living with a small dick. That's the only thing worse. Like AIDS. AIDS is a horrible disease.
Horrible disease. Will I trade my small dick for a bigger dick with AIDS? God damn right, I will. Like, immediately.
Like, women would still, I feel like women would be more inclined to fuck me. Like, they'll flip a coin, like, hey, Josh, it's tails. Pull that AIDS dick out and let's do this shit. Wow.
AIDS dick. AIDS dick. AIDS dick. AIDS dick.
I smell an album cover. But you smell an album cover? New AIDS on the phone. That'd be great.
It could be a scratch and sniff out. Alright, can I ask a question? Alright, so do you have a really small dick or is this like a thing that you just... It's average, like...
It's like four and a half, five. It's like five. Four and a half. Five on an amazing day.
An amazing day? Like the new moon? Five on the water on the amazing day. The full moon?
You know. Super moon? You have a... It goes with the tide.
But you know what? I have a theory that there's no such thing as a small dick. I think you're average or you're like a buff. That's it.
Yeah, he could be like a tuna can. Two inches out, but like 15 and girth. No emails. Like there's 100% more.
No emails are coming your way. No one has ever said that ever. No guys are like, I love a giant pussy. Yeah.
The giantest pussy ever. I want it. Yep. No guy that would never be.
But I have a theory that every dick is fine. Your dick is always fine. Raise your hand if you're a girl and you've had like an embarrassingly small cock. Raise your hand if you've had a guy...
You have in the back? How many guys were there though? Was it just one? Just one.
Her whole life of fucking, just one guy. So like you got the Neo of small dicks. Well hold on then. You gotta ask the follow up.
I mean we gotta know what the ratio is. Is it one and two? That's 50%. That's not good.
I'm just working off assumption. Over or under five? Just give me over, over, over, over. Over?
Oh shit. Well I saw 25%. 25% or lower. How old are you?
No way. Five? No chance. Did you go to college?
You're a liar. You're 100% a liar. I can see it from here guys. You're 100% a lying person.
I can see it from here. Her pants are literally on fire. Do you see what I look like lady? I fuck more than five people in college.
You're a liar. You have all the power. You're sitting on a condominium right now. You realize that?
I have a follow-up question to Steve's follow-up question. After you had sex with a guy with a small dick, did you ever go back to him again after that? No. Did you hear how fast that came, by the way?
I got to, did you? She's like, no. I guess that answers it. Josh, my bad, man.
You fucked. Yeah, that's it. I fucked up. Are you good at going down on a girl?
You know. What's the length of your tongue? What's your tongue? A good three and a half?
I love this retarded tongue for no reason. Hey, hey, don't say the R word. No, man. Come on, don't use that.