Thanks for listening to Kill Tony, listen to and follow Kill Tony on Amazon Music or just ask Alexa, play the podcast Kill Tony on Amazon Music. Also, with Amazon Music Unlimited, you can now listen to your favorite music, podcasts and audio books all in the Amazon Music app. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Desquod. This is the week, this weekend, me and Sam Trippley are bringing Desquod down to Florida for its first time.
This Friday, Tampa, Florida, we're going to be at Crowbar. Now we push the date or the time back on it. We're now starting the show at 1030 so that all those people that are going to the Comedy Festival down the street can come to this afterwards. We might have some secret guests.
You never know that Comedy Fest, we got a lot of friends there. It's only five miles away. So Crowbar might be crazy Friday night. So the show starts now at 1030, Tampa, and followed by Jacksonville, Saturday, August 9th, will be at Underbelly.
And then Sunday, we're going to be in Orlando, August 10th at Will's Pub. All these tickets can be found at desquod.tv. Just click on Tour Dates for all the links. Also, Velvet Jones, August 16th and Santa Barbara.
We're going to be there with Sam Trippley and Ryan Sickler. We're going to be seeing all the tickets at desquod. Also, check out the new desquod store, ShopSquad.tv. And here's a little last call.
We are almost sold out on the hoodies in the purple itchy shirt. Also, if you want the desquod flask, there's only five left as of this recording. So if you want any of this limited edition desquod merchandise, now is your chance. Go to shopsquad.tv.
Alright guys, this is one of the best Kill Tones we've had in a long time. Can't believe the guests that's on this episode. Here's a very awesome episode of Kill Toney. Hey, this is Resin.
Come to you live from the road famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Toney. Oh, you're cute. Get up, boy Tony, it's this. Boy, oh boy, I'm excited to be here, guys.
It's episode 61 of Kill Tony, everybody. Woo! Fuck yeah, how exciting. I'm super, super happy with today's episode.
Oh, wow. We're gonna get to that in just a moment. Put your hands together for a new sponsor, everybody. It's Bert Kreischer, our friend.
He has a book called Life of the Party, Stories of a Perpetual Manchild. The Machine, Bert Kreischer. The book is available now. That's right.
It actually seems like a real sponsor. You can go straight to Bert Kreischer's website and get that. You know what's interesting is that he wrote and released this book. It's a good friend of ours.
He did a audio version of the book. And because he's really well known from doing podcasts, his audio version almost like triple-celled the book. It's amazing. No one's buying books anymore, right?
But he could probably sell it for the audio for book price, right? Probably. Probably more. That's brilliant.
Guys, I'm so happy you're here. This is going to be a crazy Monday night. I promise you that. And we have the LA Podfest coming up.
We just found out that Kill Tony's returning to the LA Podfest, everybody, for a second year in a row. We're back. We did it again. We did it last year with a great Doug Benson and Mark Merrin on the panel.
Had a blast. And we're coming back with two megabytes this year. And we're planning something really crazy this year. I don't know if we've even discussed it fully with each other.
But there's a big surprise this year. So get your tickets, go to deskplot.tv. Just click on tour dates. You'll see it there.
Kill Tony will be there. But there's a Kill Tony here. Now, everybody. So let's jump into it.
Every week, we have a head of security that keeps us safe. Originally, he was a man in a $5,000 Iron Patriot suit. He was an insane guy who, with a great personality and many crazy stories about his life. And he was originally just supposed to be set decoration.
But then we let him talk one night. And it turned out that he was hilarious. And then, after 30 episodes, he quit the show because he said he got too big for the show. And now please check out his YouTube page for some of those creepiest pre-kills YouTube videos you'll ever see.
He also went from 4,000 Twitter followers to 3,000 Twitter followers after leaving the show. Even less than that. In a historical movie. Yeah, it's much less.
But I don't look. But so to show him how replaceable he was, we literally replace him each week with a new type of Iron Patriot. And this week is no different. Put your hands together.
For Iron Willy Hunter, everybody. Willy's going to be keeping us safe. Iron Willy is a very special type of Iron Patriot because not only is he one of our favorite Afro sporting patrons. OK, go to the next one.
I'll say. Which really stands out with a helmet. Nothing goes better with that helmet than a good Afro. It's very progressive.
And he's also one of the few patriots that does a mean Barack Obama impression. And how much more patriotic does it get than the president of the United States? It feels pretty good. Thank you very much, Mr.
Hantula. Thank you, Mr. President. And it's such a pleasure to be with you.
You've been on the show before? I have, yes. You're excited about tonight. The last time I was here, you had the whole Eric Lecral.
The meltdown. The meltdown. The meltdown. How was your for that one?
If you don't know, this show goes deep inside the root of standup comedy by showing you some standup comedians that are just getting their start. And me and the panel here, we talked to the comedians after their one minute long sets. And what he's talking about is what we call the meltdown heard around the world because it's a podcast that you can download literally from anywhere around the world. But this guy actually was the only comedian to ever bail out of that exit door, that emergency after the whole of the day.
He was having such a rough time that he literally just ran away. Such an awkward episode. So who knows? Something like that could happen tonight.
Patriot, are you excited about this one? I'm very excited. This is a guess you have is insane. This is insane.
Shall we do it, ladies and gentlemen? Are you ready to meet tonight's panel? Come on, people. You can do fucking better than that.
And you can do better than that, too. Come on, Monday night. Ladies and gentlemen, in a maneuver, I can't believe I'm about to say these words. Put your hands together for my guests tonight.
Jeff Garland and Sinbad. Ah! Jump into the air! Jump into the air!
Jump into the air! People talk, you try to admit that's right. It's walking the same. Sinbad!
I am so excited to have you guys here. I'm trying to figure out what this was. So he's like your co-host. Yes, yes.
He's more whackerboats. It's like a whole beautiful set up. He runs the app. He's right.
He's the DJ. The P.C. Wishing. You ever have anything like that next to the stage while you're doing something?
Oh, I was young. I dated a girl. She's dressed like that. I used to love Iron Man comics.
Come on, before they change, before they... They're really comic books. They've injected all comics. Yeah, I can do that.
If this was a comic book podcast, I could just go off. Oh, see. And everyone who collects comics would know the exact moment. Every two weeks bi-weekly.
Sometimes it's monthly, you go get your comics, your friends, you share them. Don't bend it. Don't roll them up. And you read your comics.
Yeah, you read. And they were joyful. And you got emotionally attached to the characters. Did you end up selling your comic book collection?
No, I messed up. My comics were in plastic. That's most of it. Rizzo Spider-Man, Rizzo Spider-Man.
But look at that. It was just Spider-Man. You bought it. You had it.
And I know. There weren't nine Spider-Man. No, it was Bizarro Spider-Man and Venom and this Spider-Man who's Jack Dovin. Lost Spider-Man.
So you didn't even know what you had when you had. Did no, man. I kept it. My favorite silver server.
I have all my written stuff. Someone's got to do a person anymore. Someone? No.
Someone's got to do a stop making comic book movies. Thank you. That's what someone's got to do. Because they ruin every single one.
I mean, Christopher Nolan's a great filmmaker. So I enjoyed those. But none of them need to be made. If you don't follow the comic book, read the damn book.
Read the damn comic book. Did it make the movie? Yeah, they're about to do Fantastic Four and it's nothing like the Fantastic Four. The War is Now a Woman, they just announced that the War is a Woman.
But that's Marvel trying to sell books. You know, this character is that. Yeah. Yeah, but I'm in Black.
And Captain America. Captain America is now Black. Yes. Captain America is now Black.
Yes. That's too political. Look, I'll take everybody else. What the Falcon?
Yes, that's right. Speaking of Black superheroes, this is part of the show where our weekly Patriot always asks the guests a question. Willie, what do you got for us? I guess my first question is for you, Sam.
How are you? Yes. All right. You've been coming to Heard You Backstage since 83?
I haven't been to the belly room since like 83, 84. Wow. Well, the women comics just were Wisconsin. But this room was originally built for women comedians.
Yeah. Yeah. Because they weren't good enough to be with men because only men are so funny. Oh, man.
That's how they did it back in the day. That was implied. My question is you've been going for long. You've relatively a clean comic.
You do. No go, Gary. I have one big question. We have one night of the recent bat.
Yes. The filthiest material you could make. Oh, the same bat after dark. I was a dirty comic when I started.
People don't realize I was dirty when I got started. But the problem was I was in Chicago at the comic cottage. And we all tried. You know I played there for years.
I played there for years. The cover of the movie. You know it's fine. But we all sounded like bad Richard Pryor.
We sounded like a bad Richard Pryor. I was a bad Richard Pryor. I'm all good. I was a bad Richard Pryor.
We all do. I am a two people when I started Bill Murray who wasn't a stand up but I would do ponilocks from Stripes. And I was a bad. Lee Harvey.
You are a mad man. I did all that. But I was a bad, I mean, prior was the one you aimed for. I want to be him.
Yeah. And I was, I was, that night my dad, my dad was reached and showed up. I said, well I'm going to clean it up just a little bit and I cleaned it up. I got just to be laughing.
I can talk about everything. And if I thought I was cussing. I got the Hollywood, they were gonna put me in a box like, oh man, he's not controversial, he's a family man, he's an all-American, I said, I mean, kick out every institution I've been in. I said, I haven't fitted anywhere, and because I didn't come to the comic, they punked me.
I'm like this, but when Ali, you wanna fight me or Chris Rock? I think I would take Chris Rock. Thank you. And by the way, speaking of Chris Rock, and Chris Rock knows this, which is that of the two, clean is way harder, you have to be way funnier to work clean, and a lot of people work dirty because they can't, they're not that funny.
You know, and that's just reality. And you know what I mean? I like it. It's funny.
Like, funny. We were just saying that. We see, we see, we see. You can't use, it's like trying to work clean.
He never worked clean. He never worked clean. He was just like, how do we start it? Yeah, no, so it's not a matter of fun, not funny.
And what I'll do, and I've told you to do this before, which is choose periods of time to only work clean. And then other times, just do whatever you want. But if you do three months, six months of just working clean, it's only gonna make you a part. You're right, a better joke.
Yeah, a better everything. So you point something, it'll be like, shit. And catch your punch line. Yeah.
And by the way, a lot of dudes. I know that's the punch line. That's the punch line. Talk for 20 minutes.
Now, Jeff, my question for you, you've done so many things. You wrote stuff, you directed stuff, you've produced stuff, you've acted and stuff. Is there anything you haven't done yet that you wanted it? And comedy.
And comedy is the key part, does in my life, there's lots of things I like to do on a regular basis. Communically, no, I just want to keep doing what I'm doing. So I'm good. Have you ever worked with Simba?
No, we have not. We have not. We have not. Hopefully going to this past year, I've been having a comedy festival with Michael Moore and Traverse City, Michigan.
And Simba did it this year, and I couldn't make it because I was filming the Goldbergs. So I couldn't get that. I wasn't filming anything, so I wasn't filming nothing. But we've never, we've met before, but we've, I mean casually, truly casually, never have gig before.
This is a thing. We work similar, which is crazy. That's why I love curbing enthusiasm. This man, dude, curb was genius, man.
Well, thank you. I'll throw it to him more. Hopefully. So between the two, you'll be right.
It's 32 years and 30 years. Yes. It's 33. I started in 82.
My 20th birthday. I was born in 84. And I'm going to have you guys on my show. What do you say we get this thing started, everybody?
It's until 31. Who am I? I've explained to you guys the audience pretty much knows. Comedians, I all signed up for the chance to get to do one minute on this stage.
By the way, I just want to say I am so completely unsettled by the premise of the show. I've always hated Star Search. Hey, hey, I made myself. No, no, I didn't.
I didn't make the money. We didn't do Star Search to win. Wait, you did it season two. I did season two.
OK. I'm fucking hated it. OK. I remember you.
I'll come to competition. I'm actually wasn't short. Yes. This is not a competition.
You have only got to do a minute. It's literally... A minute is embarrassing. Two minutes.
Two minutes. Two minutes. The tribe takes two minutes out to routine. Sing it.
Sing the whole song. That's the whole song. Then they go to comic. Do two minutes.
I'm just setting the premise up. So yeah, just come out and say. You got to just find a way. You know what a little party thing to do.
Start right there, man. You could. Now you won or you came inside. I came in second place to junkie.
I won 10 times. And he said junkie is here. I had to turn to handshake. On national TV, man.
No, but you could have pulled it off by setting up your premise and then just saying. All right. Vote me in. You can hear the rest of it next week.
Oh, no. Do anything about that. Yeah, I know. But you could have pulled that off.
Not fuckers. This is a competition. Everybody's a winner on Kill Tony. We just talked to them afterwards.
Everybody's happy to be on a... It's just the following when you die. Is it the... You tell a bad...
Just kill yourself? I've always been afraid that somebody might do something crazy. Some coming might. That's why it keeps safe with the iron really.
You can barely hear it. That's what you wanted. Where's that kitty at, Brian? Aw.
Come on, man. You've got a bit bullish on that. And you've got to wrap it up with the kitty. Don't run the light, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.
Oh, yeah. You did it. You got the wrong sound effect for the angry West Hollywood bear. What do you mean you don't find me a track?
I'm big and I'm hairy. I'm a West Hollywood bear. That's a West Hollywood bear. We're going to take that sniff from this podcast and that's going to be the new.
The people seem to do it. That's a West Hollywood. I learned about... I worked with John Waters and he taught me what a bear was because you'd be big in the bear community.
Oh, that was real? Yeah, bears in the gay community are big. I'm not that hairy, actually. But our big hairy guys are bears.
That's God. Yeah, I know. So a big angry... So this dude here calling me West Hollywood bear?
I thought that was like you're turning deer, man. I know he's hitting on me, man. I'm putting your pants on. Man.
I know that, bro. I'm glad you told me. Shaving all this hair. By the way, by the way, it's good to know.
You need to know. I like knowing things. You need to know stuff, man. I'm like participating, but I like knowing.
So I'm not big in the gay... or I'm not big in the gay community. I'm the only straight friend my wife has. Really?
Yeah, my wife is... she's a bell of the gay ball. So you had to learn that face like you were cool? Either you're comfortable in a completely gay environment or you're not.
And I'm totally cool with it. I'm confident in my... I'm not confident in my... Who's confident in my...
I am. You're from Chicago, man. I'm from Chicago, man. Come on, man.
Try to be like he lives in Atlanta. You got a battle. By the way, I have to say though, if I wasn't a room full of the bear community, I'm like, you're a bit nervous. Especially if they weren't wearing their shirts and sharing me.
I mean, there'd be no hate coming from me, but I would be maybe unsettled. Have you been in a community where women who have hairy breasts? What the fuck are you talking about? Where's this city up in the middle?
I was thinking about the bear community. I'm trying to give love to everybody. It's a hairy breast. Yeah, because they're all the time.
When I come to town, they shave their breasts. Can I help me? You guys ready to watch your first comedian? Yes.
Ladies and gentlemen, going up first, performing a minute. Now, where are these people? They're all around the back there. Oh, you're in here?
I don't think I do. Some of them did. Okay. I'm going to let you know when the first comedian goes by the name of Maurice Spears.
Hey. What's up? Hi, guys. What's up?
How are you guys doing? I feel like it's an insult if someone says half-heart. Because if someone says you have heart, that means you're getting your ass kicked. That means you're losing really bad.
You know that kid in school who's getting beat up and after the fight, they pick him up. Like, man, look, you got your ass kicked, but you got a lot of heart. I don't want to be that guy. Like I watch a lot of UFC and boxing.
And every time you talk about a fighter who has a lot of heart, he always got scar tissue on his face, brain damage and slurge speech. Because he has no defense. He's not technical. And all the greatest sports movies are all about athletes with a lot of heart.
Rocky, Cinderella, the fighter of Mark Wahlberg and Rudy. And besides heart, do you know what those four are having to call me? No talent. No technique.
And the crazy thing is Rudy and Joe Montana played on the same team. And guess who they make a movie about? The Scrub. Because you make about somebody with talent, it's not interesting.
Like nobody cares about the Ollie movie. This is the greatest athlete ever. What they care about? I'll fake care to rock.
That's what I'm thinking. Good job, man. Maurice Stearns. You go really quickly from that little kitty cat to that.
He jumps on a very quick. I know what happens now. We just talked about it. You know what?
Actually, the good routine is a shame if you only get a minute. Because I can see you leading into that and running around and getting jumped right into the heart. I mean, plus you got to be full of comics. They hate you anyway.
So, comics ain't going to laugh at you all but nobody. They ain't giving up. Jack. Anybody.
And you know the thing that cracks me up is you and I are talking to somebody who had like a minute. Now, you were even understating two minutes for a premise. Yes. For you and I, a premise may not come up for like ten minutes.
Until the end of the show. Until the end of the show. I got a premise. It's like, you know, because I just take my time and that's just, but you seem like a funny guy.
You seem like you have a nice, you do. I mean, I've done a lot of people you see and you go, what the fuck are they doing? I'm not thinking that for you. But I do know that if I wore my hat the same as you, I'd be retarded.
No, no, no, no, no. You can do it. I would be the retarded guy who sweeps the comedy store. And that's all.
I'm just pointing out that I had to throw with it. But that was fun. I mean, I hate to jump into it. You had to go like, you had to go like, seriously, that's your punchline.
You got to make your punchline your bit with a minute. You're trying to stretch it out and the little kitty coming up. I'll just take what the kitty. Next time I come up, don't think about the kitty.
Get that. Forget the end. Keep going. So what?
You get a better sound. So what? So what? They turn the light off of you.
So what? They turn your mic off. So what? If you get to audience going, you'll be famous.
You'll go on TV and you'll get on the talk show. There you go. That's it. Forget that.
Don't ever be scared of the end. Because all you think about the end, if you're starting the beginning, you'll think about the end, right? Yeah. Or do I get lost?
Just be gold. Yeah, but that was funny, man. Oh, thank you. Thanks a lot, Maurice.
That's Maurice Spears, everybody. We did it. We talked about you. He's on Twitter.
He's Spears. The one's the college. It's a cool name, by the way. Maurice Spears.
That's badass. I'm Jeff Garland. What's that? No, no, no.
I'm not that bad. But Maurice Spears. That's like he's a wide receiver. Jeff Garland is a bass player.
Yeah. That'd be like a bass player. Jeff Garland is a bass player. Yeah.
Jeff Garland has been working out with Manny Moda. I don't know if Garlin's been before on the day. Jeff Garland has been working out with CoCoC. I always ask, I always ask guest when they're on the show for the first time.
Is there anything that you remember doing when you very first started out that you are embarrassed that you did like something that you can't believe that you did? Oh, a bit? A feeling that I had when I first started. A bit.
A character, anything. Something that stands out to you is you can't believe that you did that back then. Well, I got to, well, first off, I can't believe that I gave a shit so much when I first started. The key is not giving a shit.
Well, take what you do since you don't take yourself seriously. And when you're first starting out, everything is serious. And then, you know, since I didn't give a shit about being successful or a star, I should say that I wanted to be successful. I wanted to always be a good comic.
But as soon as I didn't give a shit anymore about being famous or TV or movies, whatever, that's when it started to happen when I really didn't give a shit. It's like, I just knew. It's the same thing with girls, right? Yeah, I just knew it.
But not with girls. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. I'm saying it's fake not giving a shit.
Man, I did. I have to dig you. No, they hate you. Yeah, but you can't.
When you care. So you gotta make a lot of money and didn't care. And then you don't have to care. The more money you make it, the less you can care.
You just say the table will be at me. Look at Sterling. Look at that old man. We should be having a sex suit with him.
Look at him. That was the homeless man who would have this problem. By the way, if he was homeless, he wouldn't be having this problem because you can stand on the street and yell at shit. And nobody cares.
Don't bring a black man in here. Don't bring a black man near me. Don't. Why do you embarrass me?
You can do all that on the corner. But you know what? I was just trying to eat and have a place to stay. I was just jumping in the clubs.
I would just show up. I would just show up and tell them to my manager and book me there. He had a book here. I was like, oh man, that's my third time.
I was trying to get on stage to be funny. I was trying to get on stage to be funny. I didn't want to place to stay. Your comedy can't go back in the day.
It's the comedy's game. Drive everywhere. And stay somewhere. Now you have a huge, huge YouTube.
Who's that? Bring him. Bring him. Bring him.
Bring him. What the fuck is that? What's the last thing you want when you're first starting? Anyone you know watching.
Know what you're watching. Now that's how a lot of people start. The next time they take a new premium, pay 20 homeless people to come to your show. show.
So you used to just show up the comedy club. You're telling that your manager booked you they told you no way and then they eventually just sort of feel bad but you'll be placed on the mat that's it because I heard this it was like all Fox's guys good let's just have them on here this weekend we'll pay him $100 no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no place to stay oh really not even $100 not even $100 there was a one guy through the years I went Fox and better than you'll have was Bruce Ayers and Birmingham Alabama I went to the comedy spot in Atlanta and Christopher said what do you think you're doing and it was first of my charm didn't work but there was a Fred deck was a community that had a TR at TR six cars that they knew that opening act he drove me Birmingham I got my suitcase on my face we drive to Birmingham and I get on stage I was Mac and Jamie and they said we can't we don't follow him we're not following him and I became a headliner in four months I was headlining comedy club I made no money and so then it was Lenny Clark told me comment takes you because I paint you $400 headline you get up your money I was like $400 I know guys were getting $1,500 $2,000 I thought it was really $400 your middle act is $400 that's right so they're just making money man but your rep was spreading through the land yes it was it was from the standpoint I was everything but not that but how many fuckers were doing what we were doing we were 100 but I swear to God in the 80s there weren't that many people doing stand up like when I first started in 82 myself Eddie Murphy what the heck's his name from New York there was literally maybe a half a dozen comics who were like my age 20 years old wow that was one of them yeah there was no Brian Regan was a few years older than me I'm talking about like there was nobody young people and everybody who I work with you know this they were on their 30s yeah they were older and then Jay Leno was the guy Jay Leno got the door yeah we'll go watch Jay Leno we all go watch Jay Leno because he can make a grand a week that's what everybody says that he was absolutely he was he was he was I even heard Letterman say that Jay Leno he had it was it was there was not even a competition you know yeah it's amazing you know and there were guys who were great like I felt it's great but Jay Leno was the king yeah wow and dirty I really dirty back in the day I did love his grandma's pussy yes that was that was dirty that was real dirty just those two words together yeah your next comedian goes by the name of Sarah F. Tommy yeah oh shit you know what that means Tony oh when somebody misses their spot she popped out she popped out man I list it oh oh okay no you really what if she has diarrhea right now ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha you take a moly b bro take a moly b bro take a moly b not a show I was almost there for you nobody pays attention we don't look at who signs up again we just say that's what it's fun no more can make and everybody love thank you I saw a woman feeding her baby which is cool she's using the old school like here comes the plane method or the baby fell for it because it's a moron what I don't understand is the mother's motivation for reenacting a little baby 911 all right the first plane the mouth could have been anything so the second one hit the baby in the back of the head that's when I knew something had gone wrong I don't like that we call it committed suicide like I know it's a crime but it's also the last thing you're ever gonna do give him some dignity I say we change it to accomplished suicide because he did something hey why you crying my brother accomplished suicide last week that's really sad but at least he proved all those teachers wrong thank you guys and I was a fast minute do I know I know I like you know that because everyone remembers her mom going wrong like that and if you didn't open your mouth in the plane I think I did she they didn't kill 300 people that was commitment man accomplishment thank you thank you so much some dark shit yeah dude you live in a dark world man yeah what's your name again Clark Clark what again make making make it your name is not that dark please welcome Clark MacMacon what you should come out is hand everybody bacon Clark MacMacon what if I told you how good would that be to be the comic of his people bacon most people unless they're vegetarians love fucking even vegetarians love bacon just don't eat it just not by the in the world long-stop my daughter not Muslims they're pretty often the big no I see mostly make it in front of people they just do it in private yeah they do it's only right so Clark MacMacon you need some bacon all right and the world needs a little levity that's all leave on that note you're a little levity if you got a minute you know sorry in a minute you don't want to the suicide you had a minute and you killed somebody at the very beginning you killed the baby you killed the baby in the first 30 seconds and then somebody can't get lost somebody in that building and you tell my killing a baby in a minute I guess that minute's gonna kill a baby in the middle but don't don't kill the baby the first 30 seconds of a minute routine but I'm out of commitment like you said don't care because you did not give a damn oh whenever you're thinking of writing a bit like that just say to yourself I'm Clark MacMacon I think I'll give you the tone you need wave from Oregon man you look like you're from Oregon yeah so we get this darkness in Oregon y'all just a happy snow people Nike Town yeah that's Portland happy snow people I'm from a Rainier place in Portland yeah I'm with it yeah okay yeah okay oh oh oh oh oh oh hey thank you that's Clark man oh oh he's on Twitter he's on Twitter at Clark MacMacon yeah I'm glad and I guarantee you want to say this Clark I guarantee you've avoided the whole bacon thing your whole life and you got to embrace it my friend I believe you not yeah you gotta make up for the woman is not here is she here did she come back me sure I have Tommy are you here now but we I did call another name and that name is Kendall Neil no please I'll be honest it's okay to be honest anybody here bro I'm gonna make sure I wasn't only one you have been so broke you stay out all day long just to make sure you know that's okay to house my name even though he had a neighbor I was going on June man I'm safe now but I broke man I'm car was repossessed last month man and that's the worst feeling in the world it leaves you confused and it gives you the high chance well I know you're probably said I like the hell is a high chance this is the high chance when you come outside your car is gone like I said it leaves you confused I'm looking around in unnecessary places for your car you don't even cabinets man no car in the cabinet the worst feeling man I'm just bad 2014 for everybody man you can't even you can't give no more to dollar 14 you can't even offer things no more 2014 because people will accept that shit I'm out here I can't bro it all man you should finish that no no no well no man what's up he's so broke you was leaving wait a minute I don't charge it for the mike it's all free it's all free that that was fun yes good stuff man yeah I thought yeah I mean it's a good premise you got the jokes I like that man though you're looking young how are you I'm 25 next month oh 25 be 25 I want to go with that oh I was basically what the hell was the last one I was speeding no he was so he was in the moment he's not even remember like 2014 you can't just avoid it yeah man it's getting so bad you can't you can't offer things the people know what to dollar 14 because they will accept it like you have a you have a offer something to somebody knowing you want to do reject next up anyway like I was with my friend I was with my friend he was complaining all day all day about having money problems man I a couple dollars would help me out man I'm so broke man so I finally I felt like I had to offer some help so I said man you know what I wish I can help you out man I only got a guy with my ATM card man I can't even wish I had some cash on me I thought I was in a clear they look me right my eyes and he said my nigga it's a ATM right up the street and I can take you right now brother I can drive man here's why there's a couple things no no no sorry but first off we did a whole episode of curb your enthusiasm about that is called empty gesture it's about people giving empty gestures all the time and not meaning it oh it's a good that's good that's good man I don't know what season but you get learn but but I think you're funny yep and you have potential and can I give you just a bit of advice all right when you come out hand out bacon and you want my opinion change your last name you should change your last name he's not doing anything with it he's talking about 9 11 and killing people you my friend come out with bacon and when he gets mad just go hey fucker you weren't doing anything with it that was good though man that was good another thing don't ever be even if you got people here like us we weren't always us don't respect any comic I mean if cos we sit here if cos we sit here slap him just get over it slap him just say I'm just telling you know what what you're what you're if I can say what you're really saying it is which is when you are up there yes doing the mic yes it's your time yes and nobody else's time okay and forget about reverends or anything now certainly if you met Bill Cosby on the street I'm laughing I would get down I would get down to my knees and go sir then slap it then slapping you slap him that worked for you yeah you work with him I never work with him I didn't slap you know what's saying don't respect any comments and it's okay no no no no no they're in the room no you're doing it if you did with team point bang yes point bang is respect comics as you would other people and in general respect people when you're not getting but when you go up to the mic you own that room you can really it's like the only time in the day where you can go right now it's about me yeah and it's about me doing well for the audience because you want the audience to enjoy themselves a block of all was in the furrow slapping comedically slap it in the cry Kendall thank you so much man go man right on man he's on Twitter at Kendall Neil it's another one okay it's fun right I hope it's a woman TJ Blair so I turned 29 next month but I was Mormon for most of my life so that makes me about 17 human years I'm still childishly naive about a lot of things I have no idea what the order at Starbucks still really bad at sex I found out that normal people have sex and go to Starbucks all the time the other week I was eating a pack of gushars I don't know if you guys remember that was a little tiny snack we used to get our lunch and it had me thinking that it's complete bullshit that those things were anything other than candy they were a gooshy candy inside with the candy outside some marketing wizardry had little kids asking their moms for fruit snacks and that's all for me right 53 seconds of thunder man yeah I apologize but I have to just take this and take it take it what the fuck were you talking about yes in general but specifically people have sex and go to Starbucks you gave no information as to how you know that how what you've experienced in terms I you let out a scientific theory my friend or a social theory with no no no setup no setup all that your whole set could have been based on that we just playing why you say that um no I I wrote that this is my first time to stand up so I wrote that oh oh okay so basically I have to take this I have to take this is the first time to stand first thing every scared to pull the mic up toner for you don't just grab the midget mic always pull the mic up where you are and second of all is the first time you stand up you've got those he would be deep out the way and now you can write a joke. Thank you.
No, no, no. You just literally wrote this morning. There used to be a dude that I started with who used to do a bit. He used to sit in the back and we would watch him and he would do things like, you know how when your mom calls you for dinner, you immediately go into the shower and we would be like, no, I never had the feeling to go in the shower because dinner was, and his whole set was filled with those and it was, and he was so sincere and I'm like, he woke up straight.
Man, I just went over the head. So the point being is I guess it was enough for tonight to just make the Starbucks thing. So you thought that might be funny if people after sat back. Tell us why.
You had the reason why. No, well, growing up Mormon, you never drink coffee. So you don't have sex. So it's your premise.
Now that I'm married, it's your premise. You didn't say it. You said you, so we know Mormons. Most of us don't have any Mormon friends at all.
Are you from Utah at all? I went to school there. I'm from Florida. Where?
Florida. Or Lando. That always explains that. Orlando is.
Orlando. No, no, no. People want to know what's the weirdest part of Florida because Florida's got a bad rap. Orlando.
It's right in the middle and it's the most fucked up area. I went to University of Miami and I lived in South Florida. He's got to Gatoron all the time at University of Florida. I would visit Tampa all the time to Tampa.
Tampa. Point being is Orlando. That's a fucked up place. Do you remember Orlando before the head?
It was just JJ Whispers. There was no downtown Orlando. There was no basketball team. There was a place there.
There was no black nightclub. It was just Orlando. And it's do say, man, Orlando's going to grow. He won't be the investance of property with him.
I think he became stupid. It came to place with Shaq on them. Oh, it became the place where they all bought it. And then again, Disney was on the swamp too.
I would have not bought that either. No, it's a weird ass place. It's different. Do you live in LA now?
Yeah, I live down in Venice. Keep this is the thing you need out your way. And now you know what to do. That is the one we get to say I don't have sex or coffee.
Because you assume that most of us do that, but we all think off the F6. No, no, didn't. What was my setup? I don't remember.
I don't remember. You can't smoke dope before. I was trying to smoke dope before. That kills the premise.
Yeah, more paranoid. No, that's not funny. Seriously. And I have a lot of friends that have been doing this.
I don't remember. I don't remember. I don't remember. I don't remember.
I don't remember. Yeah, I was trying to smoke dope before. I said, if they do stand up. That kills the premise.
Yeah, more paranoid. That's funny. Seriously. And I have a lot of friends that smoke pot.
Is that obvious? Yeah, you smoke a lot of dope but you got it. Here's the thing. In all sincerity.
And I don't know what it does for guitar playing or whatever. But in terms of stand up, pot does not help at all. I did it once. And I thought I was.
I went. I showed up for a gig two hours early, and I had nowhere to go. It was at the Magic Castle. And another comedian who's known for smoking hot said, you want to get high.
And I went, I'm talking about I'm a guy who gets high once every five years. And I'm like, yeah, OK, why not? And so I got high. And I did all my material.
I'm stained glass windows. And I thought I was hysterical. And my wife's friend was in the audience and let her know that I wasn't. So I don't feel like.
Now you can do crack and make you fun. I mean, you want to rob people afterwards, but you'll be funny. They don't tell you this in the Mormon world. In the non-Mormon world, we all smell crack.
It's really awesome. Oh, good. That's another thing. Most Christians and Methodists will do crack.
Cool. To be honest, there is a lot of comics that say the exact opposite. Marijuana is the best for them to be on stage and for writing in particular. No, no, no, I'm not saying writing.
I'm not saying when you're at home, I'm saying if you need to get high to go on stage, you've got some fucking issues. True. You're basically saying you. No, no, no.
I actually, actually Joe Rogan, if you know Joe Rogan, he has the smoke weed before he goes on stage. And so a couple of guys in that group, I try to do that. I'm like you. I just.
But they also have regular wrestlers. You get the one who wants to beat him up all the time. Do you want to follow him? Have you seen on this show?
No. You got one guy, he's a champion in this mother country. You got to watch the show, man. It's crazy as hell.
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