Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony. Me and Tony Hinchcliffe are coming to Columbus, Ohio. Yes, we're bringing Kill Tony to Columbus. If you're an open-miker or you want to try comedy for your first time, sign-up's going to be around 6.30 p.m.
at The Funny Bone in Columbus, Ohio. Again, that's October 16th. Kill Tony starts at 7 p.m. It's going to be me, Tony Hinchcliffe, and Tiffany Haddish, and maybe a surprise or two, and then followed by a comedy show at 9 p.m.
And all the tickets can be found at the new tour calendar. You just go to deswad.tv and click on tour dates. Also, me and Tony are co-headlining Phoenix. That's right, we're coming back to Stand Up Live October 23rd, and you can get tickets again at tour calendars.
Just click on tour calendars at deswad.tv. And if you're a fan of Thunder Pussy and you live in L.A. or you're going to be in L.A., September 26th, me and Jeremiah are bringing Thunder Pussy to the L.A. PodFest.
That's kind of like a Lollapalooza of podcasters. All the big shows are going to be there. It's all weekend long. It's in Hollywood.
You can get your tickets to see Thunder Pussy, though, September 26th. So go again to our tour calendar. Also, Deswad needs your help. If you're a fan of Deswad and you want to see us stay alive and keep on making shows for you for free, please help us out by clicking on shopsquad.tv.
There you have all the new Deswad shirts. We've got some hats. We've got some flasks, stickers, posters, and everything. Just go to shopsquad.tv.
All right, guys. Here's a brand-new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the real-famous comedy store for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony Vol. 2.
Get up for Tony! It's right! Yeah, fuck yeah, everybody. Holy moly.
Can you guys believe it? It's Monday night, everyone. How are you guys doing? This is Kill Tony number 64, for those of you keeping track.
64. 64 motherfucking episodes of Kill Tony. And we're blowing up, people. It's all happening.
In fact, I'm happy to announce that today we have our first-ever real sponsor, everybody. Real sponsor, what? Oh, real sponsor. That's right.
McDonald's, Squirt, you name it. If you didn't catch on, I'm sorry to break the news to you, listeners, but that was all a big joke. However, tonight we actually have a real sponsor. She cooked food for Red Band, myself, our guest, and the producer, Josh Martin, and it was unbelievable.
Delicious. The gourmet cooking. Put your hands together for Elise Lane, everybody. Sitting right over there.
Way to go. A super awesome chef. She's worked with many, many great chefs. She's the one.
Part of her job is she's a recipe checker, people. So when chefs come out with something, she's the one that says, this sucks, or put it in the book. That's an actual job. She was nice enough to make us an amazing meal.
I believe there was some ahi tuna, some edamame, some shrimp rolls, some glass noodles. And so if any listeners in Southern California, and perhaps even wherever you are listening from around the world. You could fly her out. I'm sure she doesn't mind.
You could fly her out. Maybe she could freeze up some dishes for you. Send them on ice. I'm sure that's possible for the right amount of money.
Her name is Elise Lane. You can follow her on Twitter at Elise Lane, E-L-Y-S-E-L-A-I-N. A very confusing name to spell. But her Instagram is much easier.
That's at the girl with a pan. The girl with a pan. Look her up on Instagram. It's like food porn, right?
That's one of your big hashtags. I looked you up earlier, and the dishes were unbelievable. Lemon risotto, something I saw, some crazy stuff. On Facebook, she's the girl with a pan.
On Instagram and Facebook, just look up the girl with a pan. That's Elise Lane. Follow her on Twitter. She's unbelievable.
Mix some good food into your life, people. If you're having a party, have her cater it, man. Have her cater some awesome, but this is like legit food. This isn't like chicken or chipotle.
This is hard to go into a nice restaurant and have it catered. I was very surprised with how delicious it was. Thank you very much. We're definitely going to have her back anytime we have guests that are foodies on, and I'm very excited about our new partnership with Elise.
For all you comedians in the room, if you ever make it big, hire Elise for a party. So 17 years from now, when one of you makes it big, hire Elise. Or her daughter. She might have a daughter.
Elise Jr. I'm so excited. It was another fun weekend. I was out of town in San Francisco.
There's a lot of shake-up here at the Comedy Store. Big, big, big, crazy shift in power and momentum as a Kill Tony. Special Consultant, he was on a few episodes. Tommy Morris is no longer with the Comedy Store.
He was the talent coordinator here since I've been here, and for the last about 10 years, he was under the tutelage of the great Mitzi Shore. And now Adam Egot is the new talent coordinator of the Comedy Store. An amazing maneuver. Very cool guy.
Very hip. Very awesome. Every adjective I need to call him for my spots to continue happening here. He's got a huge dick.
He's not standing in the back right now. He's beautiful, always well-dressed, hilarious. Best skin ever. I mean...
What's amazing is we had Tommy on a few episodes as a consultant, but Adam was actually on an episode just a few weeks ago with Andrew Santino, and that's available out there on iTunes, and at ThatSquad.tv you can watch it and see how, you know, some of you young comedians can see how the new talent coordinator thinks about stuff. Go back and watch that. Check out his taste of it. And it's been very interesting here.
Tony, you missed this whole weekend, but I had to make it here. If you guys hang out at the Comedy Store, now's the time to be hanging out here. There's so much nonsense, like craziness. People are coming, like Tosh was here the other day.
Like all these new comics that you haven't seen here are just suddenly appearing here now because of the news. So this is an exciting time for the Comedy Store, so just start showing up here, guys. It's going to be pretty... I bet you anything this week we're going to see something insane.
Me and you already know about it, I think. You probably shouldn't say it. You probably shouldn't say it. All right, but we'll talk about it next week because somebody might be coming back to the Comedy Store.
That's right. I'm not going to name any names, but anybody that knows me and Brian and sees our excitement could probably make some... Anyway, let's just move forward. Connect the nuts.
Great stuff happening here at the Comedy Store, the home of Kill Tony. That's right. So it was a fun weekend. I was in San Francisco with Jeffrey Ross, and I'm excited to be back.
It was a nice, long, gloomy weekend. San Francisco is just the worst weather you've ever imagined in your life. They say Seattle's more depressing, but I think San Fran's a little bit more depressing because it doesn't have that depressing stigma, so you're thinking that it might be nice when you get there, and it's not nice at all. San Francisco's weather is garbage, and I was excited to tell them that from on stage.
I just completely destroyed them. I talked about how the pot's not strong enough there. Are you serious? Well, I mean, it is, but I'm saying the pot's not strong enough for San Francisco to be fun.
I kept telling them that, and they're a smart crowd, and they like taking jokes, and it was also a Jeff Ross crowd, so they like getting made fun of, but man, San Fran can't really take it when you're just being honest with them. Like, your city sort of sucks, and they're like, well, when are you going to make that back in L.A.? And it's like, no, I will. I like sunlight.
Yeah, I like San Fran, but you're right. The weather is always awful there, and it's so expensive. I just don't understand why people move up there and pay more money for less time. It's crazy.
It's crazy. Yeah, San Fran, I love you. Good people, but build a fucking machine to break up the clouds or something. It's just, if you're that fancy of a city and you're that way ahead of time, build a cloud breaker.
The cloud breaker. That sounds like a cool name. Cloud breaker. Lighting in the red corner.
Raymond, the cloud breaker. Doesn't even matter the last name. You don't even need a last name if you have the nickname the cloud breaker. Speaking of powerful people with fancy nicknames, we always have a head of security on the show.
This is somebody's first time doing this position. For those of you new to the show, we've always had a head of security. It used to be a man by the name of the Iron Patriot who quit around episode 30 saying he got too big for the show. At that point, we decided to show him exactly how replaceable he is by hiring a brand new replacement each week.
This week will be no different. A very special Patriot. For those of you that have listened for a long time, you might recognize him as a very fun young rising comedian named Scott Kidd. But tonight, he is the Kid Patriot.
A brand new Patriot. Kidd, how you doing? Good. How you guys doing?
I have a strong voice. Yeah, probably one of the more confident Patriots we've ever had. Fuck yeah. Wow, okay.
You really got the rhythm down. Is this your first time dressing up like a superhero? No, actually it's not. I've been Robin, Superman, Green Lantern, and I think that's it.
Have you been any superhero that doesn't wear underwear over their pants? No, that's not correct. So this is a first for you? Actually, yeah.
Very good. Well, welcome. I'm glad we got you all wired for sound. And how's everything else?
You good? You cozy? Good. You have the classic school shooter black Adidas with white striped shoes.
Can't hide those. No, never. Fuck yeah. Well, I like your style.
We have a very exciting show and I'm glad that you're with us. I'm going to pack up this gourmet food from Elise Lane because this guy left here. Delicious gourmet food. A private chef for hire.
You can also call her at her home number. No, I'm kidding. Just kidding, guys. I wouldn't do that.
Let's get this out of the way. Scott, you're excited? You ready for this? Now, Scott's one of the first people that actually asked Well, you know, I'm just that kind of goofy guy.
I felt like a shitty character. Now, what I love, though, is that if you know anything about the show, you also know that the Patriot's only real job is to have a question for whichever two guests are on that episode. Now, what I loved about what happened today is I go, you have questions for our guests, right? For our guests, right?
And he goes, yeah, yeah, totally. I go, okay, let's just give this a run to. What are your questions? And he goes, well, for Rick Glassman, I'm going to ask this.
And for Brent Morin, I'm going to ask this. I go, fuckhead, those were last week's guests. So he already blew it 10 minutes before the show started and I updated him that he's confused because our guests are the other two stars of the hit show Undayable on NBC, which just got picked up for season two. Season two!
Some people say that's coincidence that I had the cast members on one week and then the next week and it got picked up in between, but we call that the Kill Tony bump. Put your hands together for the great Chris Delia and Ron Bunches are here! Now, I say the whole Undayable thing, but we've all been doing stand-up together for a long time. That's right.
And I'm so glad that you guys are here because it's a very stand-up-oriented podcast and you guys are awesome. How are you guys feeling? Good, feel good. Feel protected.
Yeah, you ever work with anything that close to anything that creepy next to you? I wish I could say no. I got him right here. Patriot Bunches.
Welcome, Ron. How's it going? Pretty good. Thank you for the delicious mail that you provided.
Yes, from Elise Lane. You guys both, have you guys liked it? Good stuff? Yeah, it was really good.
That's awesome. That's awesome. And Elise is available for hire. It's probably too busy after this bump, right?
Yeah, the Kill Tony bump. So, how fun. I'm so glad you guys are here. We're going to have a fucking blast, as always.
I had two other guys on last week. You guys work with them. I am attributing our second season. Oh, you can't talk, you little bitch.
Remember you said you weren't going to do this? I'm sorry. I am attributing our second season pick-up to you. Yes, boom, you heard it here.
That's right. Chris confirmed it. If you have a TV show, people, that need to get picked up for a second season, I'd be happy to have you on the show. That's right.
So, let's get into it. Patriot, what are your questions for tonight's guest? Well, I have a question. Exactly.
Ron, you're such a likable guy. I was wondering, what do you think, or what do you feel was the best decision that you made in your comedy career? That's a really good question. Yeah, it's a deep question.
From a guy just up. Yeah, thank you, Iron Patriot. A guy wearing a five-year-old's pajamas. Deep question.
Probably just staying in Portland and doing comedy in Portland was a big deal for me because there wasn't really any map on how to do it, so people just kind of did whatever made them happy, what made them laugh, and I didn't go out and do, kind of the way to do it before that was to go out and do triple runs in Minnesota or Montana and shitty places, and I was just like, I'm not going to do that. I'd rather just stay in the city and just work on my act and not worry about getting 50 bucks and just focus on getting better. That's awesome. So you work it all out there.
When you first started stand-up, were you talking really fast and stuff and you're like, I was doing regular stuff. I was doing like, who's drinking the night? I still do that, but yeah. Yeah.
And then I was like, oh, don't offer me anything because I'm allergic. That's a good punchline. Yeah. I loved it.
Patriot, what's your question for Chris? Chris. You got a good one, maybe better not fuck this up. Okay, let's see.
We'll see. Chris, you're noted as having the influences of Jim Carrey and Eddie Murphy. Sure, okay. Let's just say some magical miracle occurries where you can go back in time and play either one of them in one of their movies.
Which role would you choose? This guy's coming correct. Yeah, that was a great question. Jesus Christ.
For not knowing who the guests were until five minutes ago, you really, you got a smartphone, you just Googled that shit, huh? Yeah, it's on my Wikipedia. I just saw that. I would pick, I would pick for sure Beverly Hills Cop.
Absolutely. One of my favorite movies of all time. I'd like to see that. Definitely, yeah.
But like the one where they went to Magic Mountain. That's the one I like. You just want to go to Magic Mountain. You just get a ticket.
Yeah. But I won't go in. There's nobody there. Yeah, right.
Well, that actually just inspired a question for me. If you were to play Jim Carrey's character in Dumb and Dumber, who would you want your Jeff Daniels to be? Do you have one in mind? Oh, that's a good question.
Fuck, that's a good question. Not Brent Mornin. How about that? That's my answer.
That's a perfect answer. That's a perfect answer. Let's get into the show. You guys ready for Kill Tony 64?
Over 20 comedians signed up for the opportunity to do one minute men's talk shop with me, Red Band, the guests, and even little Patriot Boy over there. And we are going to do that. Did you just malfunction? Comedians, come up when I say your name and you know that you get one minute of stage time and you know that your minute is up when you hear the sound of a kitty.
You barely hear it. Listen to how quiet that little baby is. Somebody just squeeze a real kitty? Listen to that kitty one more time so you don't get confused.
There you go. That's when your time is up. That means wrap it up then. You can't run the time or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.
He's furious tonight. Why didn't you mention the owl that hangs out with the bear? There's always little animals hanging out with him each week. It's always something different.
I'm surprised to hear an owl in that one. It's trying to be more bird friendly. I like that. Guys, are you excited?
This is Keltony number 64. Let's get it on. Going up first. Going a minute.
Put your hands together for Sierra Catau. Okay, go get her. Now what's interesting, we're going to kill some time here for a second because Sierra Catau, I happen to know, is one of the only comedians under 21 that signed up for the show. So what that means is since it's a 21 and over club, she's outside right now.
now waiting, hoping that her name just got pulled out of a bucket. Little does she know that it actually did. It's not the best for a live show to have somebody waiting on the front patio. Is she five?
Like, how old is she? I was like, I think she's five. 19 or 20. I'd love to see a five-year-old do stand-up.
Just totally relatable. She's real blue. Told my fucking mom to suck my dick. Patriot's hand is up.
This should be interesting. I just happened to notice, I think her birthday was a couple days ago. Well, you're a creepy guy. End of that sentence was, and now she's too old.
Maryam's got a birth to Sierra Catow, everybody. Here she is. Hey, folks. This is really exciting.
This is a little different for me. I, I'm used to running my jokes by my grandma. I don't know if you guys do this too. Maybe run your jokes by my grandma.
Yeah. And if she laughs, then I know it's funny and I'll come up here and perform it for you guys. And then if she doesn't laugh, I perform it anyway. It's like, what the hell does she know, right?
She doesn't even speak English, so I don't know why. No, actually, my grandma used to love coming to my shows. And, you know, after a while, it kind of got annoying, so I was like, got to stay home, grandma. You know what I mean?
Like, no more coming to my shows. But, you know, she found a loophole, as grandmas do, right? And then she died. And now she's always watching my shows.
Damn it, grandma. Oh, she's so clever. So dead. I don't know.
Yeah, a little bit about me swimming in college right now. But I did well in high school. I was about the Victorian class president, but, you know. She brought out the bear.
That was fun, Sierra. I even gave her two meows because she's so adorable. Totally adorable. So much fun.
Hell yeah. How old are you, Sierra? I turned 20 last Saturday. Wow.
Patriot was right. Yeah. It makes it that much scarier when you know the Patriots out there on Facebook just hawking everybody. Just Facebook let me know.
I wish her a happy birthday. Done deal, guys. No. But that's the wrong time to say done deal, right?
That doesn't go there. Done deal just says that it's not a done deal. That means that you did some more Googling after that. But Sierra's only 20.
Let's not scare her away from comedy for good, Patriot. Have you been getting up? Have you been getting spots? Yeah, totally.
What club are you going to? So they let me do the Laugh Factory every Tuesday. Oh, no, don't tell the time because the Patriots are going to find you. At 6 a.m.
And yeah, yeah. I did Flappers last Sunday. I don't know. Just anything I can do.
I come here every Monday and sit on the patio and just look weird. That's great. You need to get your fake, fake ID, though. Yeah, yeah.
Because half of being a stand-up, especially watching comedy, you watch a lot of comedy. Yeah, I mean, Laugh Factory lets me sit in the back all the time. So it's only really here that's super strict. And sometimes the, which, you know, I understand.
And then let's see, the improv, for the most part, I was able to get their open mics and everything would be fine, but I think they started moving it to the bar. So then one time I just went in and I was like, oh, yeah, I'm doing what? And then another time, you know, I just sat outside and drew on a table. I mean, on the pad.
I don't know. You didn't vandalize is what you're saying. Yeah, yeah, it was fine. Are you banksy?
That'd be cool. Are you, wait, so how long have you been doing stand-up? Uh, about, well, okay, first of all, I was 16. I did on and off, um, not so much during school year when I'm at college.
Um, you go to Harvard? Yeah, yeah. You do? Uh, yeah, I brought you guys to the Lampoon.
Yes, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, um, do, yeah. I thought I just recognized you from here.
That's right. It's fun. I got to take bone hits to the castle before the year. And that's for real.
He's not just, he wasn't high. That really happened. Mm-hmm. They were great, yeah.
So you ran into these guys on campus? Um, they were doing their unable tour and were performing at Laugh Boston nearby, so just got them to come by the castle. Awesome. And they gave me that award that I rubbed into the castle every day since then.
So you always wanted to do stand-up, or what? Um, pretty much. I mean, when I started, I felt like I wanted to do it, and then I went to school, and I continued doing it at school. And then every time I, you know, every summer, I'm going to come back here to pursue more since I started here, but I tried to do it in Boston.
There's good rooms out there, right? Yeah, there's a lot going on out there. It's really cool. The community is hyped, so it's fun.
Do you do any drugs? Because I kind of feel like, like you're really phony, but I want to see you on drugs. Um, you know, I don't do any hard drugs. Uh, still, still figuring out, you know, the underage drinking thing.
I don't know. It's all, it's, I don't know. I'm open to it. Like, he's trying to do drugs, and he's just looking at his mom.
I can't remember what hard drugs were. Drugs are drugs, I'm sorry. Yeah, that's actually the truth. Did your grandmother really die?
Um, well, I'm still going strong. The other one to pass away before I was born. Too soon, too soon. That's your grandma's name.
Too soon. Sierra Katow, everybody. Congratulations, you've been great. Great set, fun time.
Sierra, I think you dropped something on this stage. I think you, I don't know what that is. It might be a receipt for, uh, okay. Follow her on Twitter, listeners.
She's Sierra Katow. Sierra, K-A-T-O-W, all one word. So, you can, uh, you can follow her on Twitter. Maybe be Pool of Patriot.
Find out when her next birthday is. Follow her closely. I can't believe the comedy store is the district one. I know, right?
What the fuck? The only thing they protect is their liquor license. You can jizz on the walls, but if you're not 21, get the fuck out. That's the store for you.
Maybe we can get Ika's, like, ID or something. Somebody like that. Yeah, that's true. I'm sure she could pass this just any random agent.
Maybe Bobby Lee. Put your hands together for your next comic. It's Zach Kirby. Zach Kirby.
There's maybe him walking up right now. Here it is. Zach Kirby. Ooh, the confidence joke.
Hey, everyone. Um, I just graduated from junior college. Is anyone here in college? Um, whenever I was in the bathrooms at my junior college, I couldn't help but notice some of the most offensive statements I've ever read in my entire life always happened to be graffitied upon the stall walls at my local junior college.
One time I went into the bathroom stall, either before or in the middle of class, to take a shit, and someone had literally written on the wall in Sharpie and in all caps, I fucking hate blind people. As I was sitting there, my cheeks spread wide open to allow the previous night's Baja Fresh to flow like in and outspread out of the end of my bowels. What I could think to myself was, one, why does this guy hate blind people so much? What did he have against them?
And two, was he talking about, like, Asian drivers or actual blind people? So I got to wipe, and I realized that there's no more toilet paper in the stall that I'm in, and the bathroom is packed. There you go. 58 seconds of thunder and lightning.
Before the cat. Yeah, beat the cat. Zach, that was interesting. It almost seems like a very true...
I mean, first of all, I loved how confidently you asked if anybody else just graduated from junior college. You asked that, like, hey, does anybody else like sunlight and water? Like, very casual. And I like the pause that he didn't give after he asked the question.
They're not waiting for the answer. I actually said those two lines out of order. Oh. Oh, that's amazing.
Very descriptive. Oh, yeah. It wasn't very descriptive. Yeah.
I think I'm dirty, but you're really just talking about opening up your butthole and letting a... Baja Fresh really painted a picture there? Yeah. You made it sound like you pooped differently than everybody else.
I had an experience with Baja Fresh, so I had to put that in. You're like, what? I had an experience with Baja Fresh, so I thought, like, I should do that. What, you're a lesson there?
What? It gave me a really big bathroom. Every system. At the actual Baja Fresh bathroom?
The next day, like, I had eaten Baja Fresh one night, and the next day, like, I had an explosive experience. It was the next day? Yeah, the next morning. You have a pretty strong system to be able to hold Baja Fresh in overnight.
I didn't really know that you... We're just waiting until the last possible moment. We're coming out, but wait, we're not ready. You're going to have horrible diarrhea.
You're about 24 hours. The beans aren't here yet. Bunch up. We're out.
You walked very slowly up here, meticulously. And I noticed you were also walking next to a guy that was wearing another Dodger shirt. Was that your friend, or was that a coincidence? Oh, no.
He's just on my way. That's why I walked so slowly. Oh. Heck, yeah.
How many times have you been on stage? This is my first time. First time. There you go.
We did it again. That's awesome. Pop another cherry here on Kill Tony. How fun.
Yeah, the timing thing is the biggest thing at the beginning. You really have to be comfortable. Either that, or you could be that awkward and kill in two seconds, but that's going to be hard to admit. Right.
That exact... I don't know if it was on purpose or a complete coincidence, but... I was just going with the flow. If you always do that, you're going to have a lot of fun.
Just vibing with the room. First time on stage, you were getting hard laughs from the four of us in about two and a half seconds. Yeah, we all know it wasn't like that, though. It wasn't punchline related.
It's true. It's true. In fact, during one of the only strategic punchlines I thought was the least exciting part, and it was the bad drivers, it was the blind or bad drivers, like you brought in a, or Asian drivers, you brought in like a topic out of nowhere, when everything else sort of painted a real picture. That was the one line that I wasn't sure on.
That was the one line? That was the one line. Yeah, I probably would ax that line. I mean, that's, you know, Asian driver joke, come on, it's, you know.
Right, when you already have them committed to Baja Fresh and all that other stuff, there's no reason to go, and I'm taking a shit, and the Baja Fresh is coming out of my butt, and then a chicken crossed the road, and I'm like, what? You don't need to go backwards. Well, it really happens. But also, how old are you?
I'm 23. All right, so you're young, and you got on safe for the first time, so really the only thing that you could do that would help you is just get on safe as much as possible, really. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, to tell you, do this, do that, it's just like, it's kind of moot, like, no, you just keep doing it.
Do you stand up something that you've always wanted to do, or? Yeah, I don't know, just keep eating Baja Fresh. I got really into stand-up when I was in high school, and I didn't, I thought I could do it, but I didn't try. I listened to this new show a couple months ago, and this show, and it made me decide to go ahead and write my first minute, and I signed up like five times, and finally got on.
Wow. That's so cool, man. I was going for the descriptiveness in that. It sounded like a commentary for a really disturbing movie or something.
Well, Zach, you did it, man. Keep doing it. Yeah, good job, dude. Congratulations.
Come back again soon. That was his first time on stage with Zach Kirby. He's on Twitter, guys, at Zach Cool, Z-A-C-H Cool, so follow him on Twitter, listeners, and then you can see what he does next. Maybe he'll do more.
He does look like somebody that they would interview on Forensic Vile, so. Oh, yeah, totally. Totally. He's got the school shooter face.
I mean, I'm talking about casting here. I mean, if I'm saying he should be in a movie. It's Hollywood. Where he plays a school shooter.
Right. You know what? I'm going to ask you guys a question that I always ask first-time guests. Was there ever something that you did when you very first started stand-up that you can't believe you did or that you sort of look back on and you're like, man, that's sort of embarrassing.
I can't believe I ever said that or did that. You'd be amazed at the answers that I got. Oh, I bet, yeah. It's incredible.
My reporter used to do a thing where he'd come out with no shirt. Oh, wow, really? He'd suck his stomach in. What was it?
He's like, oh, I'm going to let her see because he's so skinny. Oh, wow. And he's like, I can't believe I did that. You know, like, just a bunch of crazy things.
I just, I mean, it's hard to learn and not be shitty. You know what I mean? So, like, you have to start shitty. So, like, I remember, I mean, I would just do all sorts of shit.
Like, just sex jokes that were just cheap, you know? Like, I mean, I would do that always. I, like, would close with that. And, you know, it just, I can't even think about it now.
It makes me fucking feel terrible. Yeah, me too. He's talking about my jokes. No, I guess, yeah, I can think of things, but I don't, like, it's just painful.
I never have one specific thing that I'm embarrassed. I'm just kind of embarrassed in the first few years. Yeah. Just all of it.
Yeah. I love it. Ron, anything? Well, I mean, I used to, like, research everything that I was going to talk about.
So, because I felt like some reason if I talked about a joke, someone was going to be like, oh, there's a part of that setup that wasn't true. So, I'd, like, just wiki everything that I was going to talk about. So, that was stupid. And then I did, like I said, my first set, I did, like, four minutes and just felt man boobs.
And then I, like, I researched this. And so, I found out that people, some people would take women's pantyhose, cut out the crotch, and put their head through it, put their arms through the legs as a way to help with man boobs. So, I was like, oh, that would be a fun bit. And so, I would talk about it, and I'd take my shirt off, and I'd be wearing that pantyhose.
That's hilarious. Yeah, it was the end of its time. I love I ask you if there's anything that you're embarrassed of, and you say your best bit when you first started out. So awesome.
Let's keep it moving along. Your next meeting goes by the name of Marcos Martinez. Marcos Martinez, are you coming? Oh, shit.
What that means, you can. If you miss your spot on Keltony, that means you get blacklisted. Fuck yeah. Is that something that happens regularly?
What the fuck was that? Once every episode or two, somebody doesn't show up. No, no, no, I mean that. Does that happen regularly?
No, that's completely original. Normally the Patriot, the old Patriot used to go like, pew, pew, pew. Oh, got it. But that, why he turned into a Latino at a donkey show, I'm not exactly sure.
I had a good date last night, I'm sorry. You had a what? Good date last night, I apologize. You had a date?
Yeah, but not with a nine-year-old. This guy. You really went on a date last night? Yeah, man.
Talk about that. Did you get a Maha fresh? No, Taco Bell. She was very disappointed.
Come on, be serious. I bet she wasn't when you flew her home. Didn't you? What'd you do with this chick?
Time to get real, buddy. You shouldn't have brought up a date if you didn't want to talk about it. Oh, man. We said, okay, hold on.
Okay, was it a first date? Well, no shit, she dressed up as a patriot. You know what I mean? You're weird if you think that mask off and you were Bill Gates.
She wasn't into the whole going Dutch thing. So, yeah. Wow, get it up. But at some point she started screaming at me.
I had this great accent, and I was like, I have to emulate that. Wow. I don't know what to do with all of you. You need your own podcast, man.
Yeah, absolutely. We're going to get you a spinoff, Scott Kidd, whatever it takes. Thank you. So that's true.
You went on a date with a Latina check, and at the end she screamed at you. Yes, that's because of the Taco Bell. That's normal. Oh, you really took it to Taco Bell?
Hey, man, I made mistakes. I'm only half human. All right. You son of a bitch.
I actually appreciate that. Thank you for saying that. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Hopefully he's here.
Put your hands together for Jared Campbell. Here. Funny. I used to be really, really good at football.
I played in the NFL for like three weeks. It was actually really cool. But they cut me, man. That was the toughest shit I ever dealt with was getting cut.
It was traumatizing. Because when I got signed, it was real publicized all on the TV. I got like 400 Facebook over the face. Like, good job, my guy.
Congratulations. Don't forget about a stranger. And when I got cut, it wasn't really publicized. So nobody knew.
Fucking technology like week 10 from girls like, good luck on your game today, Jared. And I'm like, it wasn't mad, bitch? It was tough. Like, my brother had a brother that was like the star of the team.
And I was like trying to make the team. So when I got cut, my mom didn't really understand how that worked. She's like, oh, you go back and you tell them that I said they can't have one of my boys. They can't take both of my boys or none of my boys.
You got to be a bitch. Go tell them to work for free. We good? All right.
I want to hear the rest of this. It's entering one topic. Keep going. It's a newer joke.