KILL TONY #89

Hey, this is Ray Van, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. I know a lot of you are mad about the video portions being delayed. Well, I'm just trying to catch up, guys. We are far behind, and the video and stuff like that takes a long time to edit.

And because of all the new changes that we are going through right now at DeathSquad, which have yet to be announced, I'm just going to try to catch up on the audio. Now, I know it pisses you off and everything like that, but I have to look at it like this. Only 10% of you watch the video portion. I know that sounds crazy, but the majority of you still are only listening to the audio portion.

So I'm going to try to catch up with Kill Tony in the next couple weeks all the way to the current episode. So that's why I'm putting out all the audio as fast as possible. Then I'm going to go back and do the video. Now, Ustream.TV slash DeathSquad has the last five episodes of Kill Tony or so up there.

So you can watch those right now. So there's a few episodes that are missing video portion-wise, but we'll get those out as soon as possible. And these new changes are pretty big. There's a lot of big things happening, which is causing this delay, and we'll announce those soon.

So please be patient. Check out the audio portions. If you don't usually watch or listen to the audio, just check it out, and then we'll have the video out as soon as we can. Also, check out DeathSquad.TV.

Click on tour dates. Me and Tony are about to hit the road. We have, not only do we have a secret show at the Comedy Store, and that's April 1st, which is Tom Segura, Tony Hinchcliffe, Christina Pijitsky, me, and a bunch of surprise guests. Steve Agee's going to be there.

But we have a lot of guests that are on sale right now. That's April 1st at the Comedy Store, DeathSquad's secret show in the main room. DeathSquad Vancouver, 420. We're waiting for the tickets to go on sale.

I'll have some announcements soon on that. But me and Tony are going to San Francisco, May 12th, at the Punchline. And then May 13th, we'll be in Sacramento. So just go to DeathSquad.TV.

Click on tour dates. And don't forget Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. And our 100th episode of Tony Hinchcliffe's Kill Tony is coming to the Comedy Store, so check it out. All right, guys, here's a brand-new episode of Kill Tony.

Wow. Hey, this is Red Band Tony live from the real-famous Comedy Store. We're a brand-new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 2. Give it up for it, Tony.

Oh, snap-a-rooney. Another wacky Monday here in the belly room of the Comedy Store. Thanks, everybody, for coming out. How are you guys doing?

It's a real live audience, podcast listeners. Holy moly. I'm so excited to be here. Another very fun Monday.

It's good to be back. Crazy stuff happening with Kill Tony. A lot of crazy internet buzz right now. I mean, Dusty Lester, who's been on the show before, directly stole jokes from somebody in South Carolina.

They saw the episode here. I guess Dusty didn't realize that the podcast is on the internet, so people can see if he did somebody else's material. He did a minute of somebody else's material, and that person texted him and said a whole bunch of things. So there's a lot of crazy internet buzz right now about the show.

Yeah, if you go on my Twitter right now, there's a good video I just retweeted that has all of them. It's not just one comic. I guess it's a few comics. And he recently won using this material, that stupid, like, Clyde's Comedy Fudge Fest.

Anyway, if you were here a few weeks ago, then you saw Dusty because Dusty was the young man from the countryside who lives with a big-time gay producer who lets him live with him because he likes his underwear and stuff. Oh, shit. We talked with him for a while. So maybe he's trolling us.

Maybe a bunch of Kentucky boys are just trolling us, you know, and they're just stealing each other's jokes when we talk about it. I never got the written-out thing of what the recipe today was, but it's something delicious made by our one and only sponsor, Elyse Lane, everybody. Do you know what it was? Gourmet Chef.

Here's a huge piece of carne asada, and it looks like it's got some mango. What is that? Do you want to come up in the microphone and tell us? Yeah, yeah.

Tell us about that. Elyse Lane, everybody. She was our sponsor for, like, ten weeks in a row. Russell Peters came here a few weeks ago, hired her as his full-time chef, ladies and gentlemen.

She owes us. What's this? She owes you, I guess, you creepy fuck. Elyse, what did you make tonight?

Tonight it is carne asada. Whoa. With yellow and purple. Somebody was hungry when you got here tonight, huh?

Roman Esco, all has been roasted with arugula, bell pepper, and that's it. Elyse Lane, everybody. Follow her on Twitter at Elyse Lane, E-L-Y-S-E-L-A-I-N. She's at the Girl with a Pan on Instagram and Facebook.

She's our only sponsor. She cooks meals for us and our guests every single week. We have a really fun show lined up for you. Kicking it off tonight is a little special thing that we're doing.

A regular young comedian who lives in the Hollywood area that if you watch the show, you know, he's on the grind. Kenny Lyon grew a dreadlock over a long period of time. Really gross. We didn't really know it was a dreadlock until one night he's like, hey, I'm like, what's up with that thing on there?

We thought it was a bump. You know how to put that bump in your hair? So it's like, I thought maybe he had headphones under his long hair or something like that because it was a clear bump. And he lifts it up and he goes, that's just a piece of, that's just a clump of hair that has never, it just got dirty onto itself.

It's turned into a gel. Like if you have a cat with long hair and it gets matted, it was matted hair, but it's like hard as a rock. So I said, we got to cut that shit off. We got to give you a fresh start.

And, you know, I told him we do it on the podcast, but I also have musical guests, Kill Tony Regular, and, you know, I'm just a huge fan of this guy, Pat Regan, who's lately been playing a brand new song every single week on the show. So we figured, what the hell, why not do both things at the same time? Put your hands together for Pat Regan, Kenny Lyon, and Pete Cornaccio, Matt PDC, who's going to be the barber for this situation. We're going to do both of these things at the same time.

Put your hands together for the great Pat Regan, everybody. Here he is. Thank you. Can I address something, Tony, about Kenny?

Yeah. I would like to read, guys. Kenny Lyon has been starting shit with me. Whoa.

This is for real. Kenny, stand on the stage. I want to read it so people can see how disgusting you are. Kenny Lyon's been saying, Kenny Lyon's been, he's mad that he doesn't get spots, and he's been going around saying, fuck Pat Regan, I want to get booked.

I have a Facebook post here. I removed from Facebook, reported it to the proper authorities, and here's what it says. It says, the world is a cruel place. They book people like Pat Regan.

Fuck you, Pat Regan. You're everything I fucking hate, you bitch. Fuck you. Kenny, Kenny, Kenny, focus.

Oh, yeah. Kenny, Kenny, over here. Okay. Now, Tony, Kenny, is there anything you want to say to Pat Regan right now in front of all these people?

I know what Tony wants me to say. I'm sorry, Pat. There you go. Is he even a skateboard?

You're wearing a thrasher. Oh, my God. He's the drummer of my band's hat. He works at a skate park.

Oh, boom. Rose battle's happening, everybody. I started it. I started the rose battle.

It was weekend night. Kenny, stop, stop, stop. Honestly, Tony, Kenny, go sit down. Go sit down.

You know, when I first saw that post, though, I honestly thought that Kenny was joking around, and I laughed. I saw that. I was like, who hates Pat Regan? Right, exactly.

Kenny is so backwards in comedy that he's the only person that even barely dislikes Pat Regan whatsoever. But that's why Pat's playing a song every week, and Kenny's on to get his hair cut. Put your hands together for Pat Regan, everybody. Here he is.

All right, this is my mom's favorite song, and it will be nice to watch Kenny get his head shaved, or whatever the fuck he's got. Whatever growth shaved. I had another shirt on top of her first shirt. She said, I'm not even sure, you know what you really want.

I said, well, let me explain. I just want a girl to love me like my mama. I just want a girl without any drama. I just want a girl to love me like my mama.

I just want a girl without any drama. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. You just want a real nice camera. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

I just want a girl who sends me cards on Easter with $50 checks and delicate reminders that I should go to church and I should call my grandma. I just want a girl whose mom is my grandma. I just want a girl who lives way out in Boston In a house with my dad and my brother Austin I just want a girl who raised my sister Megan I just want a girl whose name is Vicki Reagan That's my mom's name Oh, I literally want to date my mom Yeah I literally want to date my sweet old mom Yeah Wow Holy shit, Pat Reagan everybody Guys, give it up for Pat Reagan I'm going to go over here and explain to you, Tony, what's going on Who's that lesbian Manny Pacquiao in the corner? Wow, the bump is gone He looks like Sarah Mostajabi right now For you two Mostajabi fans No, but I think we should have Pete finish it off Because maybe for the next No, you're not getting back on stage, Kenny That looks perfect That's great Put your hands together for that haircut from that PDC Yeah Kenny, why are you by the microphone?

I love every single one of you guys And my name's Kenny Lyon, please book me That's right, Kenny Lyon That's the perfect way to get booked That's how it works Just ask for it And people are like, I want that guy Put him in the big movie Josh is taking the hair He's actually touching it with his hands And he's going to rub his dick on the hair later tonight, guys Okay, there you go, Brian Redman Just take what you see and add rubbing your dick to it Yes, that's the secret Wow The internet loves dicks Works every time Put your hands together for tonight's Patriot, everybody Every week we have somebody here to keep us safe This week is no different This guy's a return Patriot One of my favorite rising comedians in all of LA Great host here at the Comedy Store One of my favorite people It's Willie Hunter, everybody Here he is Wow Look at the brightness on these lights Damn Confident Patriot, I see Wow Holy shit I'm so excited to have you on again, Willie Oh, thanks for having me Fuck yeah Happy MLK birthday Oh yeah, that's true I mean, that's why I had you on Perfect Yeah, I forgot about that The way that that helmet bumps up against her afro Really leaves a very creepy, like, black doc brown type of, uh Hair sticking up out of the top And I like it The watch power What? The watch power Tony, the watch power Okay, there you go For all you fans that know every single line Back to the Future I'm sure you're still cracking up right now You probably just passed out from laughing so hard You know what I love is that Willie actually has the strobe light mode On the lights that are inside the mask So we're definitely gonna have our first seizures Yes Expect him to start jiggling in about 20 minutes Well, he's used to the flashing white lights Red and blue lights Never mind Oh, I see where you are Jesus Christ Really trying to go on that one Well, Willie, are you excited? I'm very excited Me too, let's get to it Our two guests tonight Two of my favorite people in the world Two of the funniest comedians out there Excited to have them both here Put your hands together From Matt Bronger and Greg Fitzsimmons, everybody Here he is, Matt Bronger Greg Fitzsimmons Two of my favorites Two guys I work with all the time Matt's been on the show before Greg, this is your first time It's good to have you guys here How's it going, Greg? Thanks for having me, man Awesome Sorry, I was almost late I lost my voice yesterday I was already in town And I live in Venice And then he texted me like Where the fuck are you At ten after And luckily the Jewish deli Is like just a few hours down And I made it over So that's the story I just like to pause after Jewish I went to a Jewish I was waiting for you to pass Doctor Why is it not that he's Jewish?

Right I love it You ever been on a show That has anything that looks like that Standing next to the stage? I guess I was originally on Max Headroom But they wrote me out That's an old reference for this crowd That was like 1987 Yeah, anyone older than 30 Look at that I love it Max Headroom's actually come back That's pretty much Like it's what we watch right now Seven second videos Like real quick And it's like these YouTube stars Are Max Headrooms Pretty much Absolutely That's a solid reference They really are Every week our Patriot Asks our guests a question What do you got for us this week Patriot? He's already frustrated I'm laughing Oh that what it is? It's not like you're gonna kill someone Stop talking to them I'm Iron Patriot Whoa what are you mad at Kenny Lime?

He can't say that about Pat Reagan He's such a great guy Great entertainer I want to say give up for Pat Reagan There you go I absolutely agree We are huge supporters of Pat Reagan here And I've never seen a guy Lose respect and get his hair cut At the same time Normally the crowd's on your side If you do something that's silly But he came out the bad guy somehow Really tough to pull off Pat Reagan's gonna buy and sell All of us in the future Don't you think Tony? I think he's certainly gonna end up Buying He's gonna be so successful That he buys a cage And then he buys Kenny Lime And he's just gonna put Kenny in the cage And feed him like a bird Dude seriously Kenny will do it Yeah Well Kenny will have nothing better going on Than to take the $17 That Pat Reagan's willing to pay For his entire body To keep him in a cage Willie what are your questions For our guests tonight? Matt you're a big guy How tall are you? I'm 6'4 Have you ever played sports growing up?

I played football for almost two weeks In high school Bad knees I used to do shot put If that's a sport And just soccer as a kid I'm not athletic in the least Well I'm an excellent dancer But just anything competitive I'm no good at Did you professionally dance? I would have liked to Yeah No never I don't even know what that entails You mean like ballet or You know You did shot put in high school? Uh huh And discus Did you used to be a fat girl? Yes I still am I mean used to be My whole persona You know what I shouldn't have answered you I should just cry I'm literally becoming a fat girl That's like the prop comedy Of doing track and field I wasn't even good It'd probably be more embarrassing If I was good I was an excellent shot putter Like you just have to be big There's track and field people That didn't even run No It's the easiest sport in the world It's like everybody else We're out of distance And then they're like We got this hardware Who wants to throw it?

Who's going to throw it on heavy rock? It's always the kid with asthma By the way If you're just turning in We do have a mob boss As one of our guests tonight Hey what are you doing over there? See shot put in I went to a Jewish accountant You gave me soup I can then lead right to my question for Greg you're from the Boston area correct? No from New York actually New York Hope that doesn't throw off No I don't Have you ever meet any mobsters?

Have you ever been involved in any? No but there was a comedy club in Boston Called Nix And it was a mob place I shouldn't say that Because it's still in business It's called Rix But there was a lot of There was a lot of cops That hung out in the back of the club Who just kind of drank They'd just be on their shift And they'd come in for a drink And they'd hang out with these Italian guys And then there were prostitutes They would go to Dominic's Which was the lounge next door And there was this beautiful Kind of just fluidity Between the prostitution world And the comic world And the mafia What jokes did you tell them On your side? Well I would tell jokes like this These two gay guys They had a baby And they went to the nursery In the hospital to see the baby And they said Which one is ours? And there were like ten babies And they were all crying Hysterically So one baby was sitting straight up Smiling, happy And the nurse said That one's yours And they went Oh my god Is he always so happy?

And the nurse said Yeah unless we take the pacifier Out of his ass So usually those kinds of jokes Work pretty good Boom. Wow. Well, you guys know the show. We sit here and we talk to brand new comedians, guys, that are sometimes older and more professional comedians that just come on and hang out and do a minute, and then we talk to them afterwards.

Comedians, you know your minute is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. You better wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. All right, there it is. The bear has a laser?

Yeah. Laser bear. The always evolving West Hollywood bear. You don't want to hear that noise again, so don't go over your time.

So let's get this thing started. Audience, are you ready? Let's do this shit. Let's watch a minute of comedy from Dennis Wade.

Getting us started tonight. Oh, you know what that means. Wow, all these people know Dennis Wade. That means he just got blacklisted.

Oh, shit. That's what happens when you get blacklisted. The head of security makes those noises, and we move on to the next person that gets pulled out. Whoa, we know this guy.

He is a straight-up hillbilly from Mississippi. He was actually a patriot a week or two ago. He just got back from being on an oil rig. What you see is real.

Put your hands together for Eric Carter, everybody. It is true. I'm from the South. I'm from Mississippi.

Just moved out here to New Year's Eve. The one thing I get reminded of when I talk in L.A., is that Southerners do not have the best stereotypes. They think we're stupid, and we kiss their sisters. But what if the stereotypes are the other way around?

What if somebody heard my accent and said, like, holy shit, I bet he's good at math? Or what if they hear my accent and be like, I bet he's got a big dick? Or what if they hear I'm from Mississippi, and they'll be like, holy shit, don't piss these people off. They run Hollywood.

But I have been working on the oil rig for the past few months in North Dakota. And boy, you work with some winners up there. I worked with this hillbilly from Arkansas, the only guy I know who can smoke crystal meth for six years and still has six chins. And you can tell by this guy's extra chromosomes that his daddy and aunt can see him in El Camino every bottle of Mountain Dew.

Oh, wow. You can almost say anything with your accent. It's pretty much funny. Are you loud in the bed?

Like, do you make noises when you have sex? No, I'm quiet. I just thrust and push and breathe. What's the craziest thing you've ever said while having sex with someone?

I don't say shit. You've never said anything, though? No, I pump and breathe. That's it.

I let her do the talking and screaming. All right, what's the craziest thing a girl's ever said when you've been banging her? Well, afterwards, I've had them tell me that my dick looks like a dildo. Oh, wow.

I'm guessing the rabbit. Like, yeah. That one's all the bumps. That one's all the bumps.

They say the vein and all that, and they're like, man, that was like a toy. The vein? Yeah, there's just one. Wait, let me say it.

I want to put that to the test. Do you think anything you could say with a southern accent would be funny? Yeah. Do you literally think any phrase?

Yeah. I think you could say the fucking Pledge of the E. I'm going to whisper something in his ear. And then you say it.

And I just want to test this theory out. Yeah. Because I think you might be honest on that. The little Jewish girl's hiding in the attic.

Somehow you made selling out Anne Frank hilarious. It just gave her right up. It's up there. Do one more.

Do one more. Do one more. Can we do it again? Are there any more?

Godfather. Can we put this to the test? Godfather, do one more. Godfather.

I must whisper something in your ear. It would be hilarious. Your accent makes me smile. Repeat it back, and you will take over this family one day.

Wow. I don't think he's going to be able to remember this one. Don't worry. It ain't AIDS.

Fuck, I don't. I thought the laugh was perfectly timed. Perfectly timed laugh. It's not AIDS.

Let me tell you what it is, though. Oh, my God. Even half a punchline. Right, right.

Oh, my God. Do you know the Pledge of Allegiance? I know the one for the CSA, but not the USA. What does that mean?

Oh, yes. Yes, do that one. Do that one. I'm just joking.

No, there ain't no Pledge of Allegiance. Oh, I thought you meant it was a racist one or something. I gotcha. Fuck yeah, man.

So how's LA going? What's the craziest shit that you've seen lately? Since I've been back. What's something that you see here that you never see in Mississippi?

See trainees dancing in the street. Transgenders. Well, I mean, I grew up close in New Orleans. You said that you don't see in Mississippi.

See, I grew up close in New Orleans, so, I mean, there ain't really nothing here I haven't seen in the Big Easy. I know that's not funny, but it's true. Sounds funny when you say it. What don't you see here?

I don't see truck nuts. I don't see... That's true. True.

That's true. I don't see truck nuts either. That shit's probably going to take off in the next few months. That's going to be the new hip thing.

I always want to put those truck nuts on, like, a Kia. Yeah. Tiny car with huge balls. Oh, truck nuts are the things that hang.

I thought you were talking about the actual, like, fans of trucking that they would call truck nuts. I thought there was, like, a group of such big truck fans that they were truck nuts. But also, they have all different realistic ones where you're driving where they banned it from Florida because it looks like real balls when you're driving. But why don't they have, like, car pussies or something?

Because that would be even cooler. If you're just driving, you see this, like, pussy with, like, big lips? That's a damn good question. You should invent that.

Or at least boobs. Oh, boobs! Bouncing boobs! That would be so illegal.

Everybody would be flying off roads. You can't flop sideways when you take a hard left ear, right? Double Ds dragging on the gravel and just breaking open. Oh, my God.

I think we all started a business. Right. It's giving me 25%. Whoa.

Absolutely. I miss my guns. I miss hunting, fishing. What's the biggest living thing that you ever killed?

A deer. What was his name? Bambi. That's how funny that line is.

You can say it anywhere and it doesn't even make sense. You killed a deer. Did you eat it? Of course.

All right, well, good. I ain't wasting a show on something I ain't eating. Have you seen the price of ammo? No, I haven't.

I thought truck nuts was a snack. Probably is. It probably is some kind of. You're talking about those hard kernel things.

We've got some entrepreneurs up here, man. We're on some. There you go. I don't believe you're really from the South now.

You want to say my ID? No, but you just said entrepreneur. The whole thing is an act. I'm on Team Greg.

I think it's an on act. I think it's like Larry the Cable Guy. No, no, no, no. I am not Larry the Cable Guy or Foxworthy.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to get testy over there, but every time I go to Mike, I always say, oh, you like Larry the Cable Guy. No, I am not. He's from the fucking Midwest.

He's not even a damn Southerner. I'm sixth generation Mississippi. There you go. All right.

Eric, I don't think you understand how show business works. Larry the Cable Guy's not from the South, but he makes all that money because he does jokes. Nobody's ever watching the down-south comedy people like, well, this guy's hilarious, but how many generations is he exactly? Right.

And also, a generation in Mississippi, six of them, that's just a weekend and a cab, right? And you're all related. That's within ten years, right? Right.

Eric, it was fun talking to you again. Have fun. Thank you. I love the Crystal Matt joke in the Six Chains.

I love it. Six years in the Six Chains. That's a solid bit, man. Thank you.

There you go. Good job. Excellent. Eric Carter, fuck yeah.

Shaking hands. Nobody else for the rest of the show. Please do that. That is not a thing that we do here.

Southern gentlemen. I like to keep my friends' hands clean. What? Eric Carter, I don't trust those hands.

There he goes, everybody. Yeah. Sorry, I let my OCD co-host for a second there. No, I'm sick as a dog.

He just fucked himself. Yeah, probably. I don't know. It seems like he's immune to everything.

Willie, what do you think about Eric Carter? You're from the South. I am. I'm from Alabama.

I can't see where a lot of yours is headed up. But he's fantastic. I think he's very funny. Yeah.

One more time for Eric Carter. There he goes. Killing it, Eric. How the hell you would?

How the hell you would? I played a lady dance. I think it's like a dildo. Whoa, we saw this guy a couple weeks ago.

Wow, I'm so excited. This bucket is magical sometimes. I've seen him only one time before. He blew me away.

That was about two weeks ago. He's back here again. Put your hands together for Michael Perkinson, everybody. That's my skin flute.

Oh, goodness gracious. Goodness gracious. Well, hey, guys. I jerked off today.

First time I jerked off in eight days. Guys. Guys, you ever jerk off? You're about to bust your load.

They zoom in on the penis, and you're like, oh, fuck, I'm gay. You know, ladies, you ever been jerking off? And they zoom in on the penis, and you're like, oh, fuck, I'm gay. First time in eight days.

First time in eight days, man. It was like a champagne cork. You know? It was like, you know?

It was like a porn star, except it didn't come out in beats. It just kind of threw up. It was like, ah! Oh!

That was, hey, I'm fucking, hey, I'm a patriot. When I was a kid, my dad. There you go. A classic, a classic hey, I'm a patriot.

You always know you're a little off kilter when that line comes out. Michael, I love you. I love your, look at you. Look at you.

You're just a big baby, aren't you? I love your style. You're like the happiest guy. I got a little dick, man.

I got a little dick. All right. If I tried to ask like a chick, it would never even get in there. But I still get off, you know?

All right. Can I just say this? If we're going to talk about your looks, get up, get up. Don't do that.

Michael, stand up. It's too far. You have Kenny Lyons hair on your already terrible shirt. Your shirt's bad, but just in general, like, you look like, and don't take this in the wrong way, you look like you have a toupee, fake teeth, and fake glasses, but they're all real.

Isn't that odd? You're absolutely dead on. I got a bush that's so thick that if I put glasses on my dick, it would look Jewish. Stop.

What was the before? I told him a couple weeks ago, I told him that he looks like a giant lesbian. Did you, like, freshly wrinkle that shirt for tonight? I mean, I figure if you tried, it wouldn't be that fresh of a wrinkle.

I used the shirt as my cum rag when I jerk off. All right. I see what you're doing. Michael, you have such a great energy that you have to let that shine, not the thoughts that are in your head.

With a look like yours, let me tell you something, because I don't get this privilege, because I look like a villain. All right? No, you don't. And for me to get laughs, what I say has to be funny.

Now, you on the other hand. You look like, you look like, you just settle down, settle down. No, you look like the white Kim Jong-un. I think the whole, the whole, the attire, it just looks like we're back in the 80s comedy store days.

You know, the guy just rolled in after a Coke binge. He was like, I'm up, all right. Michael, sit down and stay a while. No, I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.

What's your take, guys, on the man, a man on stage in flip-flops? What's your reaction? You know what my take is. You want to fuck me, don't you?

Kim Jong-un acceptable. That's what I say about that. He looks like the Campbell Soup Boy who grew up, doesn't he? Hey, Redman.

Hey, Redman, where's Redman? All right, you gotta stop. Michael, just keep smiling. This is what I'm telling you.

You can't talk. People like you end up just saying what people like me write for you. That's your only... Right, right.

A lot of times, a lot of times you tell a comedian, just be yourself. You have to try to be a different self. Michael. I love everything you're doing.

Give Michael his microphone back. He's a big baby. I like everything he does and I like everything he does. Every time I watch him, I love it.

So I want more. I want to watch five minutes of him. Do you really? I do.

Yeah. Cool, man. I love you. I just have to roast you because you're a pig.

You look like... Oh, Jesus. Here we go. You look like a fatter...

Remember Pat from SNL? Oh. You look like Steve-O from Jackass, except you have hair and a vagina. What is that, a compliment?

You look like that one ugly guy except that one thing wasn't ugly about him. You really burned me in that one. So sad. Wait, come here for one second.

I want to see your arm. How long of a set did you think you were doing something? He has like the Declaration of Independence on his forearm. He does.

Maybe you shouldn't have jerked off on it so much. Does that say not Penny's boat? What the fuck? It says Skittles.

All right. Michael Perkinson. It says here on Twitter. It's at Bob Saget.

Bob Saget's my Twitter handle. I got it early. Come get it hot. Come get it hot.

Finally, fucking laugh. God damn it. Are you serious? You guys killed me here.

I'm just floundering from anybody. Come on. Nobody. Nothing.

You're taking too many chances, Michael. You're a big guy. You're more like a two-minute flounder. All right.

Okay, sure. I guess so. Michael Perkinson. Thank you.

Very excited. All right. Good dismount. Sometimes we just move on.

Well, it went handshake, handshake, bear maul. Great glasses. Sometimes they get a little excited. Great.

Something I always ask guests the first time on the show is, is there anything that you did when you very first started doing comedy that you can't believe that you did? Like that's sort of maybe embarrassing or, you know, or something that you regret doing? I think I told a lot of like fat chick jokes. You know, I was in college and I was very much like I had a mullet and I used to drink a lot.

And I used to say jokes about fat chicks and getting blowed out. Like I was definitely, I was a different person before I quit drinking. And I'm not, I'm not embarrassed by that guy, but I'm really glad there's no videotape that I don't. Yeah.

You know, and I know like I started with Rogan and he, he remembers, but he doesn't have the bad memories. He, I don't know that he saw me in the first few months. It was really fucking, really bad. Wow.

It was like a lot of, you know, just cockiness without any fucking comedy. Do you remember any of the lines or anything? Um, let me think. Cause it's not on video, but let's, let's change that.

Let's get it now. I think, I think it was like, I want to fuck a 10, but I usually end up as just like a number four. And I would stand there like I was jerking off cause that looks like a number four. Right, that's funny.

I like that. Have I asked you that while you've been on the show before? Uh, I don't remember. Okay, well then, what would be your answer?

Oh, I just, uh, yeah, I do, batch up with more about myself cause I was happier and I had hair like this long and I had a beard at the time. And I remember my fucking worst joke ever. My joke was, I know what you're thinking. Christ the Lord really let himself go.

But it's not my fault. I eat one loaf of bread. It comes five. But it's like, who eats a fucking whole loaf of bread?

Wow. Did you consider doing one slice of bread? See? Where were you?

Where were you? I was telling fat jokes. That's amazing. You guys could have held each other since you made a lot of jokes about fat chicks and Bronger was talking about himself.

Right. You could have been like the fat chicks. It's a shot put callback from earlier. Remember that?

Shot put? Well, you know, this is just a fucking random luck of the bucket again. You're never going to believe this. Kenny Lyon just got pulled out of the bucket.

He's not coming. And you know what that means. He just got blacklisted. Oh, what?

Wait, wait, wait. Where is somebody? Oh, here he comes. Oh, oh my God.

Holy shit. Still no shirt for some fucking reason. Oh, he's still getting his hair cut. It's all over.

Oh my God. Guys, give it up for Kenny Lyons. It's unbelievable. The time starts?

Already started, dumbass. I don't own a ruler. My life has no rules. I put five quarters in the bus machine.

The bus lady was like, hold up. Yo, I missed 50 cents. I kept walking. No man, I missed Tupac.

I lost my girlfriend, Ruth. Now I'm ruthless. Book me. Kenny Lyon.

Stop, man. You have hair all over you. Get the fuck back. Everybody stop doing that.

Stop trying to give us fist bumps. Because we look like we're bad guys if we don't do it. So we have to do it. So just don't do it.

Damn. A lot of sexual tension in the room, I guess. That has nothing to do with sex. Kenny, quick question.

Yes, sir. Are you Asian or Latino? I am Guatemalan. You're Guatemalan.

It was the worst of both. The bottom of those barrels. All right. Now why, do you know, why are your nipples at the same height as your belly body?

That is a great question. Holy shit. It looks like Domo or something. You know that reference?

That fucking square cartoon thing? His chest does look animated. If you just look at his two nipples in the mouth, it looks like a piece of toast or something. Like a cartoon.

Yeah, it does. That's weird. Stop, Kenny. Kenny, stop everything you're doing.

He does look like a monk, right? Yeah. He does look like a monk. Most negative monk of all time.

Kenny, do you have a joke that when you're doing shit outside of the comedy store, you know, like when you're doing shows and stuff, do you have a joke that's like your favorite joke to perform? Jesus. I have two brothers. Molested me.

Promise me a Game Boy. Never got it. Wow. That's an interesting one because that's one of those magic tricks.

Did you ask him for a horribly sad story? Yeah. I think I heard you wrong. Yeah.

Right, man. Yeah. Say something criminally depressing. Good.

That's your go-to joke, huh? Shout out to the professor, Eric Marino. You guys come into the show of Gold Mike's Sunday nights, 1030, this room. He taught me, if the room's not feeling you, say whatever you want.

If the room's not feeling you? Feeling. Oh, feeling. That's my Guatemalan accent, I guess.

Okay. Fuck yeah, Kenny. Well, you went for it tonight. You landed some blows.

Now, you were going to do one joke. Is that something you've been working on, is do a joke and then put the mic in the mic stand? Like, that could possibly be enough to impress us? You think that people just will see that and be like, whoa, he must have been awesome.

I think that's a polite way to drop the mic. Tony, I've been grinding every motherfucking day in these streets, man. I love it, Kenny. I love it.

You think I let everybody get a haircut on my fucking life? I love you, dude. I love Willie Hunter, man, you know? Willie's having a seizure right now, by the way.

Hey, by the way, your hair looks way better right now. I can't wait to see. It's going to be an improvement. Yeah, totally.

Guy had a rotten fucking dreadlock on the top of his head. Now, get rid of the 12-year-old Mexican female mustache. DREAM! Yeah.

And maybe instead of grinding so hard at stand-up, you know, do a sit-up or a push-up once. You know, take one spot off and fix it. It's not your arm we're worried about. Greg got a great point earlier.

I don't know if your nipples are low or your belly button's high, but something's wrong there. I think you have low nipples. I got my lesson. You do.

Oh, you know what? That is right. His nipples are really low. It's not his...

Like, were your nipples still back on? I don't know. He's also like a lot of guys, what do you call it, hanging when you're hanging your pants. But then usually the pants punch up at the bottom.

His were made to hang... Yeah. Like, your ass crack, there's no definition between your lower back and your cheek. So it's just like a weird kind of a...

It's a flow. And there's hair from when you shave your head. To the overall effect, it's really nauseating. Very true.

Very true. It's because I'm Guatemalan. Kenny, how do you feel post-haircut? You know what?