Buh-buh-buh-buh. Yeah, okay, so here, of course, here we are hearing the fanfare of, say, Monday Night Football. Right. Hey, can you, can you produce or describe, wait, hold on, what's the disclaimer?
You know the disclaimer? No, what's the disclaimer? It's like descriptions of reproductions of this game. You know, without the express consent of National League football, no, that whole thing.
Oh, it's like, they actually displayed it. So I went to, a little fact about me, I went to an Eagles game recently. Oh, birds. Yeah, I don't know.
I wasn't really clocking what was going on. It was just happy to be sitting in the cold. No joking. It was fun.
Although everyone, did I tell you everyone almost got extra-worlded? Yes, you did. Okay, all right, we can bypass that then. I don't know, I honestly don't know if I could ever go to an Eagles game or any game set in Philly, which are the main acts there.
Yeah, I thought I was, look, I've been in Philly's games. Sure. I've been in Sixers games. You ain't never been the, it was like, Eagles is like, yeah, that's a different thing.
Yeah, it's like in a Vietnam movie when they first get to like their base camp or whatever. Yeah. And everyone's already gone completely insane. Right, everybody is already fucking Colonel Kurtz up the river.
Yeah. I learned the parking. Yeah, I learned from some of the tailgaters at the Eagles game, and I didn't know this, but apparently Blue Lives Matter. Yeah.
Do you know that? I didn't know that. Anyway, welcome to Draft Night. It's Draft Night, baby.
It's Draft Night, baby. It's Draft Night, buh, buh, buh. Buh-bye. Oh, man.
Welcome to Draft Night, Kingi Draft Night. If you've been listening the past, oh, God, 20 weeks. It sounds like a lot, right? It does.
It's damn near half of you. Yeah, it's roughly five months. And emphasis on rough, just kidding. If you've been following along with us, you know, you already know what we've been doing every week.
We've been watching a dollar baby adaptation of a Stephen King story, talking about it, then also reading the short story that the dollar baby is based on the thing we swore we'd never did. And we did it. And we did it. We, you know, week by week have slowly learned how to read, I would say.
Yep. Some slower than others. Now, after 20 weeks, we've said, fuck this. I need, we're getting, here's the thing.
I need a break. It's a problem. No, well, yeah. I mean, we started doing this.
Rob and me, we were a couple of alphas. That's right. And all this reading has depleted our muscles. Yeah, it's depleted my testosterone.
So we got to do something sports adjacent, and that is where Draft Night comes. That's right. You may have already heard me mention. Of course, always, as always, joined by Rob Avon.
But also a special guest this week, the Dancing Football robot from the Fox broadcasts. We got him, baby. He's off mic. Yeah, I mean, he doesn't have a mouth.
He just dances. Mm-hmm. Vroom vroom vroom. Kootle, kootle.
And I'm Dan Gaglery. So here's Rob. How's this thing going to work? How are we doing this?
Oh, I'm glad you asked me, Dan. Yeah. It's changed a few times today. Over the course of today.
Since we've been planning it earlier today. We've been yelling Draft Night at the end of every episode for the past like month. We're like, wait, how did Drafts work again? Yeah.
So we are going to take turns picking the, we're going to pick a team of antagonists, correct? And yeah, so we're doing two Drafts here. We're doing two Drafts. First up, we'll do the antagonist.
We'll do baddies and then goodies. And then goodies. So yeah, basically, first we're assembling our Suicide Squad. Right.
Each of us is assembling a Suicide Squad of 10 each. Is that how this is working? Well, I think that's too many. Yeah.
Because somebody's going to have to pick, I don't know. No, don't. All right. Don't say anything.
You might have started to say one of mine. All right. Yes. Now, we'll do five each.
We'll do five baddies, five goodies. And then rest go undrafted and work at car dealerships. That's right. I think that's a huge disappointment to their families, who spent a lot of time and money on their future to not get drafted.
They'll never learn that their dad would never love them anyway. Right. But more than likely, they won't have CTE later on life, so that's good for them. Yeah.
Except for one guy who gets a job at a hardware store. And the only way he can cope with the disappointment of not having made it to the pros is to put his head in the paint can shaker just to take the edge off. Except for the one guy working at the Anvil Factory? Does the factory make an anvils?
So here's how. Yeah. Good. No, you tell me how.
Well, I was just thinking about the Anvil Factory. It sounds like a great place to work. Sounds like it'd be really funny. Yeah.
There you die of CDE, which is a cartoon death extravaganza. Hey, what's that whistling? Cersplat. It's like the whistling of the Anvil.
Right. You looked at me with wide eyes. Like, wait, something. I don't know.
Oh, whistling? I love whistling. Yeah, I love what fricking number one Andrew Bird fan over here. Yeah.
Huge Andrew Bird guy. All right. So when we pick our antagonists and pro-tagnets here, right? So we're going to be picking.
We're doing both the short film and the story, right? So either way, I'm just going to throw out a hypothetical here. If I want to recruit, say, the Long Lour Man. Already I'm loving it.
Yes. If Long Lour Man, you're up there. Long Lour Man, in my number one spot, that means it's going to be the short film version of the Long Lour Man and the short story version, correct? Right.
It's basically like two guys. Yeah. So because here's the thing. Like, think about it.
We've already done these things. We've ranked them. It would be so easy that we could just run down the list and be like, I picked that one. I'm going to pick that one.
So basically what we're doing, sportos will know that players have upside, players have downside. It's true. Some guys can run, but they can't hide. Yeah.
I never collected baseball cards, but I did collect comic book cards and they all had the attributes on the back. That's fun. So it was like whatever Wolverine, intelligence, might not be super smart. That might only be a three, but strength and healing factor?
Get out of here. That's like a 10. Bro, imagine if Wolverine was on the suicide squad. Dude, that'd be nuts dude.
So all right. Here's one thing. To determine draft order. OK.
And I do think it would be funny if we did a snake because it's like there's two. Yeah, there's only two. So do you want to do that? Or is that?
Let's just go back and forth because otherwise I'm going to forget. And also we're only picking five. So that would only be a one. Yeah, that would really ruin someone's night here.
Draft night, that is. So I think we will do this, determine draft order. We will each say a number between one and 10, and then I will randomly generate a number. And whichever one of us is closest to that number over or under, doesn't matter.
I'm just talking raw integers. That will be the person who determines whether or not they wish to go first. I suspect they might. All right.
OK. I feel like, well, this is how they do it in the NFL, right? Somebody picks a number in their head, and then a random number is generated, and then whoever's closest. Do you want to flip a coin?
Do you have a coin? No. I don't know if I'll wait. All right.
So let's pick numbers. Ready? OK. But you have to say it out loud so that it's on the record.
Yeah, yeah. Are we going at the same time, or do we just say it? I think we, one of us should say it first. OK.
How do we determine who gets to say their number first? I'll say. Well, we actually should read another number. Oh, Jesus.
We just didn't. Oh, no, we just invented the freaking blockchain. We just invented the freaking bitcoins. Oh, shit.
Oh, no. All right. So go ahead. Say your number.
Two. Three. Fuck. I picked two also.
All right. No, I'll take six. All right. And how are you generating this random number?
I Googled random number generator. And when you do that, Google provides you with, hey. Like when you have to Google like ounces to grams for the 50th time. Your brain because nothing sticks no more.
All right. So you picked two. Yeah. And I picked six.
You did. Well, here we go. All right. But, but, but, but.
And I will just have to do it. It's two. It's two on the nose. Oh, wow.
I'm not even kidding. I wish there was some way to share my screen to make it official. I wish there was some way to lie about this, but I just can't. I lied because I just want to rob you.
I have a good time. All right. All right. So, Rob, I mean, what's your strategy going into this?
OK. So we're picking antagonist here, right? I'm stressed. He's already stressed.
Well, yeah, I am. He's fucking panicking. Do I want the most interesting villain? Or am I going for the most possible destruction?
Whatever you think will win you a championship? I know. I know. Yeah.
So my first pick with the first overall pick in the 2022, King May Babies antagonist draft. That's right. Robbie von Select. I mean, I'm going to pick a long lower man.
You're goddamn right. That's a fantastic pick. All right. I'm picking.
Oh, man. Imagine doing the thing, you know, like at the actual draft, where they like come up from the crowd, and they put the hat on. Yeah. You shake their hand.
He's not wearing nothing. Maybe you hang the hat from his little green bush. Yes. I mean, I picked the longer man, a true maniac, a god, a long god.
And I like the guys real weird. His whole vibe is very friendly. But also, you know, he will eat a groundhog if he gets in his way. He is an agent of chaos.
That's exactly right. He's an agent of chaos, which I like. Hell yeah. I like a guy who comes to your house, and he's like, how are we doing, friend?
And then he strips down naked and starts munching on your lawn. Absolutely. And then, you know, obviously, that big green bush of his, you know, that's a lot of fun to have. That's an asset for any type of thing.
Absolutely. You get that guy on your team, all right? I mean, you got everything covered. He's friendly.
And that's great for the locker. Yeah. That's great for morale. Those are intangibles, yeah.
But you also, I mean, he's friendly. He'll get in the door. But he's also, you know, he's going to start, he'll run. He's going to run the show.
You know, this guy is not to be fucked with. No, he's a literal god. He does. Kind of hard to beat that, right?
Yeah. Also, like, just in terms of the rules of our draft here, that's like a great execution in the story and on screen. It is. The on-screen version of the Lawmore Man is one green bush shy of perfection, am I right?
I agree. I should bust it out that bush, bud. You're one mistake. All right.
So Dan. Yes. Turn snake goes to you, man. What's going to be your number one, your first pick in the King Me Babies antagonist draft?
That's a really good question. I'm putting an asterisk next to your name on the spreadsheet. So we remember who went first. OK.
Wow. OK. So sort of along the same lines, right? I got to think like, what's like the best depiction of this villain on the screen antagonist?
We don't say villain here. We don't ascribe moral value. Right. We're not judging anybody here.
Yeah. Now, guys, I'm both sides. That's what I'm saying. All right.
I think I know. I think I'm locked. All right. We should have said a timer like we each get two minutes to take.
We should have said two minutes to die. Two minutes of silence and then five minutes of goofing off. Weird flow. Were they supposed to put ads here?
Sounds like it. Yeah. Sounds like an. By the way, did you know that Jim Gaffigan's audience voice listens to this podcast?
I didn't know that. Have like blank spots. All right. With my number one pick, second overall.
OK. It's going to go ahead and have to be that crazy moving finger from the moving finger. Yes, sir. You want that little finger?
You sure do. And truly like, as far as on-screen depictions go? Well, yeah. You can't ask for a better one.
Now, am I cheating by not picking a true dollar baby? No. OK. It's on the list.
It counts. Yeah. And here's what I'm thinking. You know, length, girth, girth.
Well, not that girthy, but many joints. So many joints. Can't be killed seemingly. Right.
Or at least we know like high stamina, high pain tolerance. Right. Really good with like the sort of like the mental aspects of the game. You know, he's playing he's in your head.
Yeah, he's definitely in your head. He's also, I mean, he's able to get presumably anywhere, right? Just through plumbing. Anybody who has indoor plumbing, he's your target.
Pretty much, right? I mean, that's a makes-a-be-career. Sealingly. Out-for-plumbing, if you ask me.
Rob, do you go outside? You mean in general or to use the bathroom? I guess to use the bathroom. To use the bathroom.
Do you go outside? Yeah, you know, the thing, I hate cleaning my bathroom. And if I use the bathroom, then I'm going to have to clean it. So great points.
I'm not, you know, I carry bags with me where I go. I don't want to get a ticket. Yeah, you don't want to get it on your hands either. It's true.
It's good form. Yeah. All right. So you got the moving of number two.
It's time for your second pick. Hey, guy. OK. I've given this one a lot of thought.
And right? I've been thinking about this draft. Ever since the first time that we talked about draft day. Ever since we decided on 7.30 for record time.
That's right. Yeah. All right. I'm going to go with, wait, which one did you pick a moving figure?
Oh, for God's sake. I know, I know, I know. I added a tab on our spreadsheet, label draft. Oh, thank God.
It's right next to baby rankings. Yes, it is. OK. There it is.
All right. So my number two pick is number three overall. Should I say the antagonist or should I say the story? Whatever's funnier, I guess.
You can say the antagonist without giving away the story and then reveal it. I'm going to say the bullets from the revelations of Becca Paulson. Bullets? No, do you are dangerous.
And this one went into that lady's head. And that's honestly a lot of bullets go. Arguably, this is the least dangerous bullet. How so?
Not only did it not kill her, it made her stronger. Such was prophesized by Kelly Clarkson. Her song, What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Strong. Oh, oh, yeah, that's her.
She came up with that. Yeah, she came up with that. Give her a Nobel Prize for that. I think bullets give her a freaking platinum record.
Bullets are scary, Dan. All right. Especially when they're in a gun being fired. We're in a lady.
We're in a lady's being fucking head being chilling there. Right. I don't think it's that scary. I think you don't think bullets are scary, Dan?
OK. Not that boy. All right. Not that boy.
All right. I don't think that bullets that scary. Well, why don't we shoot you in the head and see how you feel about it? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Well, we all knew this was coming. So so far, my suicide squad is Alumorman and bullets. Go on. And shooting me in the head.
So that's my number two pick, Dan. What's your number two pick? Wow. OK.
Well, Google Docs stopped working for me. Perfect. Figure that out. Thank God I have two minutes, huh?
You have to Google timer. Any other timer? I have to open up our freaking sound cloud page. Figure out what I read.
This is horrible. This is one of the worst things that's ever happened to me. Do you want me to pick for you? Hey, no.
Hey. All right. So you pick the bullet. This thing's already going off the rails.
Let's see. You know what? What? I'm going with a true classic here.
And also sort of a bonus value. Because this is not just one antagonist. This is a whole brood of antagonists. That's right.
I'm going with the King Me Favorite, those crazy, crazy corn kids. The corn kids. Straight out of Gatlin, Nebraska. Yeah, coming straight out of Gatlin.
It's a no brainer, right? You got it. I mean, they're pretty religious calls. Come on.
That's pretty heavy. And they're a bunch of kids. And they're like, eh, I love corn. Now, here's a question.
Does this leave? He who walks behind the rows on the table. I'm locked into my pick. You can answer on this.
Good question. I feel like the corn kids are totally up for grabs. And he who walks behind the rows is not. What?
Because he's more like, he's like their boss. You drafted them. And they work for you now. But ultimately, I think they will be reporting, or at least praying.
At the end of a football game, I just want to thank God. I just want to thank you who walks behind the rows. I don't know who you are. So OK, I actually really like that logic.
So he is to them as God is to me and Jews. Prayer hands. I did just give Rob a little sweetheart prayer hands. You look like one of those little angel statues that they sell in Hallmark.
A precious moment. You look like a precious moment. Thanks. Wow.
So hold on. That feels like you can't pick the bullet if no one can pick who walks behind the rows, right? Why? Because the bullet's a frickin' day you sex machina.
It's not a day you sex machina. I don't know what that means. But it's sort of OK. It is what enables her.
But it ultimately kills her. No. Does he who walks behind the rows not also? Ultimately?
Also, if we're talking about whether, like if something killing someone rules it out, this whole draft is completely bankrupt. So are you telling me that I have to pick a different number two? I'm just saying I feel like he who walks behind the row should still be on the board for whoever wants him, whether that's you or someone else. All right.
All right. Fine. He walks behind the rows is on the board. But here's the thing.
What? Oh, no. Well, you have the corn kids. But if I pick he who walks behind the rows, they're going to be listening to you who walks behind the rows.
I'm going to listen to you. I decided you can't pick him. OK. I think it's best if you don't pick him.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm thinking that's better. No, you can pick him. All right.
Well, my next pick, right? Now I'm on pick number three. I'm almost fucking halfway there, man. And once you pick, you'll be more than halfway.
I know it's so crazy. Oh, geez. Ah, geez. OK.
My next pick is terrifying. It will. It's more scary than a bullet. I'm going to pick scarier than even a bullet.
Yep. I'm going to pick the play. It's going to be the frame of flowers from the man who loves flowers. He loves flowers.
I'm picking the plague from Night Surf. Picking the Captain Trips. Wow. Great pick.
It's pretty thick. I mean, if I can't get you with those bullets, I'll get you with what are they called? The pathogen. Yeah, like when a weaponized diseases isn't there like a bio weapon?
Is it just bio weapon? I think so. That's lame. I think it sounds pretty cool.
I mean, it's kind of cool. Come on. It's very cool. If they were bio weapon, if they were to somehow cross the DNA of like, you know, a soldier and like maybe some sort of a bear or lion, right?
Would that monstrosity be considered a bio weapon? Hmm. I guess everybody working on that right now? Do we have to think of everything?
Do I have to fucking do everything over here? I got to do draft night and I have to fucking splice DNA. Well, sir, the apartment of Dr. Moreau over here.
Just a general and some spooky underground lab like where we at on the lion, human hybrid. And we're like, well, well, general, we did it. But unfortunately, when you cross their DNA, it makes them incredibly cowardly. He jumped through the plate glass window before we knew what was happening.
It left a shape of a lion. I'm like, Captain Trips. Captain Trips is going to wipe everything out. That's how you got to fight that?
Not everything. It only has a 99% more down here. Almost everything. Well, actually, no, because this Captain Trips does kill everything.
They think they can't. They think they're immune, but then they just get it. Right. Bunch of punk cats.
Right. A bunch of punk cats kids. It's sort of a metaphor. This Captain Trips is a metaphor.
All right. Well, with Rob's number three pick, the number five pick overall he selects, dun, dun, dun, dun, Captain Trips. Dan, I got to say, I think this is going really well so far. Really?
No. I don't like it. No, I do. Oh, OK, I do too.
I think it's fun. Yeah. I like just saying, you just say something? Yeah, you just say things.
Then you discuss. It's not like a normal conversation. Yeah. It's more like cards against humanity.
Funniest game. Yeah. I was once playing a game of cards against humanity to the death. It was.
Excuse me. It was intense. How'd that go? It went well, you won, clearly.
Oh, yeah. Was it you got to like crack the other person up so hard that they bust their whole shit and they die from it? Yeah, I had to literally bust their gut. Oh.
Yeah. What won it? What won it? It was something like, you know, who wouldn't you want to take a long road trip with?
And then I put down about one of those Catholic priests. Oh, my god. And yeah, murder. Oh, my god.
I, oh, my god. Who would be the worst dinner guest? Frickin. Anne Frank or whatever.
Oh, Helen Keller, that's it. That was an honest mistake. No, Anne Frank would be pretty bad too. Why don't you say something?
Do you think cards against humanity has had to be like, given the current political climate, we are removing like 800%? Oh, bravo. Bravo. Yes, the cards against humanity people have finally done right by.
Look, obviously, everyone who's rich, their gains are ill-gotten. But does anyone deserve their money less than the creators of cards against humanity? I mean, do you think they pissed all their money away on her original formula for a logo? They do seem like the guy, it seemed like a bunch of like the guys who created girls gone wild, you know?
Yeah, it gives off that kind of vibe to me. Like, we're just all having fun. We're drinking, we're laughing. These are like the legacy sons of the girls gone wild guy.
They don't have the edge. They don't have the drive. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, right.
That guy was like, I am going to these parties where drunk girls will take their tops off. And I'd go to jail for it. It's like my dad created girls gone wild and my mom created cornhole. You're not a cornhole guy?
It's fine. It's something to do with a party. Do you play, do you do the testical toss too? What's that?
It's the one where it's got like three runs and then there are like two balls on a string and you have to throw it. It's like a, it's not called that though. I mean, surely, right? Where I come from, that's what we call it.
Oh, it's a regional thing. Two towns over, that's what they call the grownup. That's right. Got it.
Yeah. Dan, it's your number three pick. Number six overall? Number three.
Well, my number three number six overall. Number six overall. That's more important. The overall number is more important.
That's more important. It's more important that way. You're stalling. No, I'm not.
Cause here, you know what? I'm actually going in a similar vein to you. Oh, okay. And cause I don't want to lose this one.
I can't risk this getting taken off the board. By you. Right. So similarly, I will be taking a pathogen that will take over the world.
It's everyone's favorite metaphor for alcohol addiction. The Grey Matter from Grey Matter. That's a good one. I wanted that one.
I'm Mr. Movie Phone. What's that called as a movie phone? Yeah.
That's before my time. Yeah, you never had to deal with somebody. You never had to call somebody. I never had the privilege.
You mean never had to call up a different number and have them list the movie times to you. You get to the end. He's like, this is going to be my here's my club comic bit from the late 90s, early 2000s. Called movie phone the other day, just out of curiosity.
I just I just let it go. Right. I listen all the times for all the movies. I knew what I was looking for, but I just listen to see what would happen.
Turns out he goes, anyway, how have you been? Dan, right? It's like he's a guy actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, that's from Seinfeld. Right? Isn't there like a Seinfeld bit like that? Yeah.
It's like, what the hell did you just call me? Yeah, the Kramer gets a new phone number and it's the old movie phone number. So people keep calling him and at first he tells them that they have their own number and then he eventually starts giving them the movie times. Oh, and the movie phone man gets mad at him for doing that.
Yeah, so I'm like that where like the movie phone man, like I don't think you ever see his face, but he's just like outside Kramer's apartment. That's pretty good. All right. You know what?
That's going to be my stand up instead. I'm going to take that Seinfeld thing. Yeah. All right.
So you just to reiterate, you picked Grey Matter. That's what I was going to say. Yes, I did. Okay.
With my number six overall, right? Right. So Grey Matter, a big slimy alcohol creature, right? Feeds off the booze.
Yeah. We got plenty of that to go around. He's just and he's just sliming everybody and absorbing everything and then multiplying. Splits in two, just whenever.
Yeah. Just about whenever. It's also like, I don't know, is it also sort of a metaphor for like post-industrial America? We don't have time for that.
So just to recap, our first three rounds here. Yeah. Rob selected the lawn mower man, the bullet from Becca Paulson and Captain Trips. You selected the bullet before Captain T.
Anyway, and what did you pick down? Well, first I picked a really long finger. Then I picked the corn kids. I mean, that finger is very long.
It's really long and it goes clickety-clack on the porcelain. That's right. So the moving finger, the corn kids from Children of the Corn, aka the Disciples of the Crow. Right.
And then Grey Matter, a pathogen of my own. Mm-hmm. Brings us to round four, Rob. Oof.
What's calling out to you? All right. What as, oh, you got your pick locked and loaded? Well, no.
I was going to talk it out. Oh, all right. So, you know, I have like, I feel really good about my pick so far. Right?
I feel like I really love them. Yeah, all, everything I want of them. Even, even, all right. Well, all right.
All right, Dan, I'm going to... What? Go ahead. Well, you know, we...