Kiss The Girls (October 1997)

We can't say the title of this movie without immediately hearing our favorite singing crab, but rest assured 1997's crime-thriller Kiss the Girls is a very different kettle of fish. This movie doesn't really know what it wants to be. It tries to sell itself as a Se7en / Silence of the Lambs–style crime thriller, but inevitably devolves into "insert-generic-underwhelming-90s-action-thriller-here." Nothing kills suspense faster than realizing the character we spent a third of the runtime developing is inevitably destined to escape certain doom, per the very premise of the film. Instead, the suspense comes from questions like: "Whose call was it to use those creepy phone voices and bargain-bin gunshot sounds?" Or, "Why is this random non-detective bossing actual cops around in the middle of an active investigation?" And of course: "Exactly how much are this surgeon's hands insured for, anyway?" All that to say, this might not be remembered as a crown jewel of the genre, but Judd and Freeman bring electric performances, and the campy spiral this film takes keeps things surprisingly fun. And hey—if you enjoyed this one, maybe we'll cover the sequel faster than Jeremy Piven  hitting on an abduction victim. [email protected]