Learning to Trust My Mind: Growing Up With a Mother Who Had Schizophrenia

Some fears don’t begin with something you did. They begin with something you witnessed. They begin with watching reality shift and wondering if one day it might shift inside you too. In this episode of Born Tired: Where Survival Meets Healing, I share what it was like growing up with a mother who lived with schizophrenia, and the psychological imprint that left on me. Not just the trauma of instability, but the quiet paranoia that followed me into adulthood. The habit of monitoring my own thoughts. The fear that stress meant collapse. The belief that my mind needed supervision.This episode is about growing up around serious mental illness without language for it. About cultural silence and the phrase “que sufre de los nervios” blurring what was actually happening. About a father who weaponized that fear during his rages. About becoming the strong one, the protector, the child who wasn’t allowed to need.I reflect on the night my mother believed the Virgin Mary was calling her to the roof. On overhearing that my disbelief made her want to die. On turning thirty-three — the age she had her first episode — and quietly bracing for something to happen to me too.Because when you grow up inside instability, trauma doesn’t just live in memory. It lives in your nervous system. It lives in the way you question your own reactions. It lives in the psychological space between a feeling and the fear of what that feeling might mean.This episode is about learning that anxiety is not destiny. That fear is memory, not prophecy. That breaking cycles sometimes looks like pausing before you project your history onto your children. That healing isn’t eliminating fear, it’s refusing to let it lead. Because my mind is not an enemy. Because vigilance kept me alive, but it doesn’t have to run my life. Because trusting yourself after trauma is a quiet kind of liberation.This episode is for anyone who grew up around mental illness. For anyone who fears becoming what they witnessed. For anyone who monitors their own psychological state like evidence. And for anyone learning that surviving something doesn’t mean you are destined to repeat it.You don’t need to fix yourself to be here.You don’t need the right words.You just need to arrive as you are. Your voice matters.Your story matters.And you are not alone.Gentle Reminder:This podcast includes conversations about trauma, family dynamics, mental health, estrangement, and lived experiences. Listener discretion is advised.🤍 Support the podcast:Buy Me a Coffee — https://buymeacoffee.com/mzd5yc89kkk📌 Follow me:Instagram: @borntiredpodcastThreads: @borntiredpodcastSubstack: https://substack.com/@borntiredpodcastCredits:Written & narrated by Eirene TorresAudio production by Carlos TorresOriginal music by Carlos TorresDisclaimer:Born Tired is a personal storytelling podcast based on lived experience. This content is not a substitute for professional mental health care and does not provide medical or clinical advice. If you are struggling or in crisis, please consider reaching out to a qualified mental health professional or local support services.