Let your heart be closed

Above is a guided meditation to encourage a natural response to pain or discomfort. There’s also a sleep version of this meditation, How to sleep when everything is f*cked, for paid subscribers, meant to give you permission to feel whatever unresolved feelings you’re having at bedtime. If you can’t afford a paid subscription and want one, send me a message and I’ll give you one, no questions asked. Below is me reading the essay that follows:No matter how many times we hear the instruction to “let things be just as they are,” we still find ourselves using meditation as a way to change what we’re feeling. It’s a hard habit to kick. That’s why when there’s tension, emotional or physical, sometimes I find it extremely helpful, to not just allow myself to feel it, but to double down on it. Lean in. Enter the tension. Let yourself hate whatever you’re resisting. Say “f**k this!”When I do this, something relaxes. I find I’ve been restraining myself from having a natural reaction to pain. I think I should be able to relax it away, so I’ve been trying to pry my heart open to something I hate, before I’m ready.Here in Vermont, everyone’s excited for spring. But I love to savor these early stages, when buds are just beginning to form, how they start to grow and bulge with potential. When we get teased with warm weather followed by snow squalls. People are so desperate for warm, green, sunny days that they collapse in despair when we have yet another cold, dark, April day, thinking spring will never come. And yet, it always does. The birds come back, the flowers open up, millions of leaves explode in shocking, lush glory: one can hardly take in the magnitude of the change. What happens if you open to this unresolved, uncomfortable, fucked up moment? Feel your feet on the ground, let your attention be wide and receptive, and open to the tension completely. It might not become less painful, but you’ll see that the pain has so much more dimension to it than the resistance to it was allowing you to see. It’s a bud with potential for exquisite beauty.Don’t pull your petals open before they’re ready. Let your flowers open on their own time. They will, and they don’t need you to “help.” Lean into the place you’re at right now— you will come into full, exhilarating bloom. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit caralai.substack.com/subscribe