Lifeline

LIFELINEYou carried me, home in your arms G-C-D,G-C-DYou loved me so much, and you kept me from harmYou washed me and fed me, the years how they flewAnd now you need my help, and I’ll care for you!There’s a lifeline that ties me to you, Am-C-GLife rolls like a wheel through whatever we doThrough all of the hard times and anger we feel G-D9-C-GThe love that we have, well it helps us to heal, G-D9-Am-DLove’s a lifeline that pulls us all through! D-D7-G-C-D,G-C-DYou’ve nowhere to go, and you don’t like to leanAt the old people’s home, they’re packed in like sardines,So the baby can sleep in the crib one more yearPut the kids in together, there’s room for you here!There’s a lifeline that ties me to youOvernight power runs out the holes in our shoesWhen the looking glass flips, there’s no wrong or rightDo the best we can and hold hands in the fightLove’s a lifeline that pulls us all through!Most of the time now, you’re clear as a bellBut the body you’re using’s not working so wellAnd I know we get crazy when our patience is goneHey, ain’t it amazing, how we hold on,To that lifeline that ties me to youLife rolls like a wheel through whatever we doThrough all of the hard times and anger we feelThe love that we have, well it helps us to healLove’s a lifeline that pulls us all through!Love’s a lifeline that pulls us all through!Written by Peter Alsop, ©1983, Moose School Music (BMI)On Fan Club Favorites and Songs On Loss & Griefwww.peteralsop.comPracticing the art of loving, ... can get us through some of the hardest times we have while we care for our parents. We all have losses to deal with in our lives, but older people often experience losses more frequently. Besides losing family members and friends who have died, there’s the loss of good health and vigor to deal with, ... and loss of time to accomplish dreams that were never realized.As our own children grow up and begin to go out into the world on their own, many of our parents or older relatives become needful of our help. We then face tough decisions about bringing them back into our own busy lives and home, perhaps acting as their principal caregiver.My grandmother actually did come to live with us, and it was both difficult and rewarding, as we learned how to get along with each other. In our culture older family members often live by themselves, or in a community of other older people, separate from the younger members of their own families. Many of us Americans grew up in our core nuclear family, without our grandparents in the same house. We didn’t get many real experiences or a clear understanding of how we will age ourselves later in our own lives. So, it was wonderful for my kids to have an older person in our immediate family home.My dear friend and teacher, Dr. Joseph Cruse talks about a ‘de-cathexis’, ... a letting go that happens within our families. As we children grow up, we need to let go of the expectations that our parents will continue to ‘parent’ us forever. They will always be our parents, but as we become adults and take our own power in the world, their ‘parenting’ behaviors need to transform into a more equal ‘friendship’ type of relationship between equal adults, without the power inequities that happen when children are little and parents are big. We can help to create a healthy balanced relationship with our own aging parents, when we are neither crutches nor burdens to each other.1980 photo by Ellen Geer of Grandmother, Dad, me, Megan & WillowI hugged my grandmother often, but I realized one day, ... that it was the only touching that she received. As she depended on us more and more, I was reminded of how like a child she had become, and that little babies get a sense of themselves that is related to how, and how often other people touch them. So I started a program of fifteen-minute foot-rubs for my grandmother, and with her permission, I would turn on a recorder, massage her feet, and ask her pointed questions about her life and our family. We compiled quite an oral history, punctuated with little moans and comments about how good it felt to have some spot on her foot rubbed! She’s say, “Ooooh! That feels sooo good! Are you married?” I’d say“Grandmother! Cut that out!” I have it on tape.I know she enjoyed the foot-rubs, but she also enjoyed ‘being listened to’ and having someone take time with her, so she felt that she was loved and valued, even though she was unable to help much with the maintenance of our bustling, rushing around young family. It was fulfilling for both of us when she was able to pass on some of her life experiences to me, an interested younger relative. And I got to see some of the family patterns that had echoed down through the generations, and to understand that I was not just a man alone in the world, but also a link in the family chain.I had the privilege of working with Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. She is best known for her work with patients with catastrophic illnesses who were dying. She would say that, “When we can’t increase the quantity of someone’s life, we can increase the quality of it.”She told me about one patient she was working with, and Elisabeth came into her room and said, “Is there anything I can do for you today?” And the patient said, “Yes Elisabeth, there is.” And Elisabeth said “Oh! What?” And the woman said, “Go away!”Elisabeth said she went out in the other room, and she felt crushed. She had only wanted to ‘help’ this person. And she said, “Wait a minute! What’s going on here? I asked, and this woman gave me a perfectly ‘okay’ request. Why am I feeling so upset!?” And she thought for a moment and said, “I think I just learned that when I have hurt feelings like this, a little red flag goes up and says to me, ‘Elisabeth, you have some unfinished business to take care of! This person just helped you see that it’s in this area, and you need to take a look at it!”Like Elisabeth, I think there are lots of those little red flags that come up for us, … especially working in human services, or actually just working with other people who we want to help. Knowing what’s ‘my stuff’, and what’s ‘their stuff’, … is very helpful and important.Those little red flags come up all the time in our relationships, and that’s where our commitment to self-growth comes in. It helps when we are aware of the opportunities those flags provide for us, so we can say, “I’m gonna take a look at what’s going on here! Even if I have to wait until later today, I want to figure out what’s going on inside of me, because when I do, … I’m better able to be more clear with the people I’m trying to help. I can’t teach what I don’t know!”Thanks for stopping by. Please share any of my posts that might be helpful to someone you know.Peter Alsop’s SONGS TO CHEW Audio podcastsThanks for reading Peter Alsop’s Substack! This post is public so feel free to share it.Click here to see All of Peter’s albums!To send me a comment, you can sign in as a Substack member by clicking the button above. It’s free, but you can always email me at [email protected]. I’d love to hear from you! You don’t have to be a ‘paid’ subscriber to get my posts. Everyone gets ‘em, … some folks send in money to support my work. In either case, glad you’re here! Thanks for spreading the word!Peter’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, please consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to Peter Alsop’s Substack at peteralsop.substack.com/subscribe