Listener question: choice but no chooser

I have a thing about doing the dishes. You have no idea how big a problem this can become. I have had a whole team of friends over to look at how I can fit in a dishwasher, where there really isn't space for it. I got the flat that I'm in because I could swear that there was space, when I went to look at it! Sometimes I see that the aversion to doing the dishes has something to do with hidden thoughts behind it all. I could just leave the dishes right? But how will people view the illusary me if the place is a tip? But it is not always like that. Sometimes I just do the dishes without any fight whatsoever, and sometimes I leave them without a thought. So when I'm OK (or rest in okness) there i no aversion and no guilt. There is movement towards the dishes or away from them. But when "I'm" not OK there is aversion and a lot of guilt. Deep in it all I feel there is a true desire for a dishwasher (without attachment to wether I get it or not).The same situation seems to be read moment by moment, and it can reveal widely different experiences. I feel this is the same when creating content, and how I feel about people not responding. Sometimes I am not OK (embarrased, ashamed etc.), sometimes I am actually OK, and other times I feel OK, but really I am closed off, not curious, and disinterested in learning anything new. There is a deep desire to share underneath it all.Is there always something in the way, when we don't get a good response? what am I not seeing here?