Life comes with a lot of decisions and whether you're making a choice about your career relationships location or all of the above It can be hard to know the right path before you take it A therapist can help you map out what you really want and trust yourself with the decisions you need to get there So you feel confident in your path and excited about the future better help connects you with a licensed therapist online And lets you choose how you'd like to communicate with them by chat phone or video call It's similar to the professional service you get from an in-person therapist But with flexible week-to-week scheduling and custom therapist matching so you can find therapy that fits in your life Just go to their site and fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge Let therapy be your map with better help visit betterhelp.com today to get 10% off your first month That's betterhelp.com Are you the warrior of your friend group? Doon scrolling late into the night researching all the survival scenarios you may find yourself in? Stop scrolling grab your weighted blanket and your headphones because we have a new podcast to help you cope from wondering Don't panic leans into our most absurd anxieties and diffuses them with humor and actual advice for how to deal should you find yourself facing your fears hosted by anxious and Overly informed comedian Anthony Ataminic each week explores a worst-case scenario like what do you do if you encounter a bear or a swarm of killer bees Or find yourself stuck in quicksand each episodes panic of the week will make you laugh learn and sure possibly sweat profusely Enjoy don't panic on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast You can listen to don't panic early and add free on Wondery plus join Wondery plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts Hey folks, this is risk the show where people tell true stories They never thought they dare to share I'm Kevin Allison and every Thursday We release these special episodes where we look back at content from the earlier years of the podcast and speaking of earlier years My sketch comedy group the state is back You might remember the state from our days on MTV in the 90s or remember various members of the group from shows like Reno 9-1-1 or movies like Wet Hot American Summer where the skate is finally returning for one amazing live show in Denver, Colorado on August 30th at the Paramount Theater If the show sells out we'll do a full-blown tour go to the dash state dot com for tickets That's the dash state dot com This week we're revisiting an episode of the podcast that first aired in June of 2012 the wild and freewheelen days of the risk podcast So without further ado, this is live from LA Hello kids, this is risk the show where people tell true stories. They never thought they dare to share I'm Kevin Allison and this is Data Rock behind me now We're calling today's episode live in Los Angeles You know our show that we do once a month in Los Angeles has such an unpredictable energy about it It really is kind of like a vaudeville sort of thing where you just don't know what's gonna happen We've had people from the audience jump up on stage and tell stories We've had celebrities that we didn't even know knew about the show up and tell stories It's it's just an event.
It once a month It is not to be missed and I know that it has a hell of a lot to do with the host with Pete Holmes and Camille Nongiani I am so honored that they host the show out there because these two are really rising fast in their careers It's just awesome that they're hosting the show out there too. Anyway for a while people have been saying, you know This show is so special out here Why don't you just put up an entire evening raw on the podcast and our last one was so good that I thought yeah Yeah, let's do that now Unfortunately, Camille could not make it that night So it's just Pete Holmes hosting and I have to warn you he doesn't prepare material He just starts ripping more or less off of the audience So even the hosting of the show is anything goes and listen if you are anywhere near Los Angeles on June 28th 2012 That is when it's happening next put it in your calendar tell lots of friends now Here's a little bit of what it sounds like a whole episode of it in fact kids. This is risk live in Los Angeles Hi everybody, how are you? It's always a little tense up top, you know what I mean?
What kind of host am I you know? He's high five and played part cheesy. I'm gonna play part cheesy in my life. What kind of game is that?
Oh my classic part cheesy riff up top to get the show started with a bang I've done that so many times everything I'm saying is very artificial in fake You know my first album part cheese the weeds was it called? Oh see laugh at everything. This is what I do I just warm it up warm it up warm it up people are gonna come out and bear their souls I'll just be like you get nothing, you know what I mean? You don't get to know me fuck you Your face that was crestfallen if you look up crestfall and you're like so supportive and I went fuck you And you're like why and I don't know the answer.
I'm so sorry. You look like my sister. I don't have a sister. Do I?
That's a DNA test that means you are my sister That probably related to me. I do a lot of skipping if there's people with jump rope I'll get in the mix. I'll get in the mix. I don't know if any of this riffing is doing it for you But it's loosening me up as the host It's weird the moments I catch you and as an audience because you were enjoying it And when you just had a private thought probably like I need to go to the bank or something, but it looked tragic And then you came back, I hope you're okay, but what if you aren't so I don't want to explore That's somebody how they're doing and they tell you and you're like fuck you man.
It's worse. Hey, how are you my mom sick? Get the fuck out of here with that. I'm just trying to pass time.
We're waiting for the same elevator You know what I'm saying keep it superficial. Don't get to know anyone. We're spiritual beings deny that I'm kidding. I'm teasing you.
Who would say that? A real person? No, that's fake not real Okay, so what is this? I'm kidding.
This is risk. It's a storytelling show for storytellers. Who wants to go first? I'm kidding Oh man, that's not how it works.
We do have booked entertaining professional professional storytellers When does that badge be bestowed upon you? Glad you're looking at me instead of off in the distance figuring out your chase balance We have a few tales on an Amtrak and then they're like you should do risk man. You're the best We have entertaining hilarious people that tell stories and I'm just your goofy you goofy host one of those goofy hosts you see sometimes Are you here to see somebody specifically? I love it fucking living his life.
What happens in here deal? I'll do it. Put me in the front. I have balances to think about Good for you.
Don't tell me your name Ben, right? Yeah You can see in my mind how I think I should be doing it every show I do it's just That's all you'd be doing the whole show you're disappointing me the whole time I'm trying to bring you to where I want you to be and it's bringing me like ham on the bone One of you is peeling me a grape most of you are flating me. It's amazing guys and girls alike. Let's be friendly.
Hey, man To bring up to speed everyone loves me. I'm very likable. You're not threatened and you're comfortable and you're ready for storytelling You're gonna move one over she seemed to say do it. Yeah, what time do you belong in?
You know what I mean? You know what I'm saying? You ever meet somebody and you're like, it's not this time I don't just stay. I was again friendly guy.
I'm not gonna be like ooh except to her You're you're a huge bud light with lime. Fuck it. You're white. Just drink up a cardie brazer.
You can't drink that shit Okay, you belong in like the 20s 30s Does that feel right? I mean he belongs in the 60s turn around and show him your 60s guys Right we all belong in different times. He's the 60s too, but late 60s late 60s 80s. That's a good time for you 90s What the fuck it's like 80s 90s and today Jesus Christ the show is for me all of a sudden This is the best seat in the house.
You guys can't see what I'm talking about 60s Late I'm sorry 70s 80s 90s today. I don't get paid. I'm gonna enjoy this you understand Are you guys ready? How about a round of applause for the idea of a storytelling show?
That's good That's let me a little more excited And keep that applause going for her first storyteller Jillian Lauren everybody Jillian Lauren Thank you So when I was a punk rock teenager in the 80s the very worst thing you could be was a poser right It was like where's the being a jock it was worse than being a prep and now that seems sort of silly to me Because I think that we're all posers at one time or another You know, there's this moment for everybody that we see somebody and we say that Is who I am that is what I want to be and for me that person was my best friend Julie Fogliano's older cousin Jody Pagano I'm from like deep sopranos country in New Jersey, okay, and Jody Pagano was so cool She was so punk she wore Doc Martin shoes before anyone else and she carried a little lunchbox instead of a purse And she had this like insane record collection with everything from the Ramones to a minor threat to alien sex fiend and I Memorize Jody's whole thing and I'm a very quick study So all it took was a move from one school district to another and bam. I Became what I was pretending to be and like many other angry punk teenagers before me I left home very early so by the time I was 17 years old I was already living in New York on my own and I was bartending at a bar called the red lion on Blaker Street You know the red lion the red lion is sort of like punk rock purgatory, you know I mean it's the kind of bar where they play wasting away again in Margaritaville like 12 times a night But I didn't even care because I fell in love for the first time at the red lion I fell in love with Adam the bartender and Adam the bartender taught me many things he taught me about Elvis Costello and He taught me about foot massages and he taught me that some ex-girlfriends does never really go away And the day that I learned that I got fired from the red lion because I pitched a glass at his head and Truly I was heartbroken and a friend of mine came to me and tried to cheer me up And she said you know what you are a terrible cocktail waitress anyway Why don't you come to the strip club where I work where they won't care that you're a terrible cocktail waitress so I'm 17 and Honestly, I'm kind of curious as to what goes on inside a strip club, but mostly I really just need a job So I say okay, and I borrow one of those like ponytail fall Madonna blonde ambition things early 90s And and I put on my shortest skirt Which happens to be a kilt leftover from my punk rock days And I put on the highest heels I have which are like these two-inch pumps that my mother bought me to wear to synagogue And I head uptown And when I walk into the Kit Kat club the smell of the place just hits me like a wall There are it just smells like someone lined up like 600 gin and tonics and use them all as ashtrays And then mixed in like Clorox and coconut body lotion It is enough to make your eyes tear But when the tears clear for my eyes, I see that the Kit Kat club looks pretty much like I expected it to look There's a stage at the far end of the room with a blowing silver tinsel curtain And there's a catwalk with like a bored looking blonde holding up a brass pole at the end of it And there are men scattered around at tables in the club and I spot a guy with his hair Select back wearing a purple silk shirt, and I think this must be the manager So I walk up to him and I say hi I'm Jill and I'm looking for a cocktailing job And he looks at me and he says Wow, you just dance And I was like Because it had never occurred to me that at a strip club someone might suggest that I take my clothes off But I recovered pretty quickly and I said no no no I'm a cocktail waitress and he said all right so you sell the star right now if you want and Then he explained to me the drink hustle because cocktailing at the Kit Kat club was a drink hustle So in case you don't know, this is how a drink hustle works pay attention You chat the guys up you try to get them to buy you a drink If they agree to buy you a drink you order a peanut colada And you are served a fake peanut colada that comes in like this big tall green Tiki glass and the manager says to me they're disgusting plus you've got to spit them back well They'll make you fat and and and it was true these were disgusting drinks So you you drink and spit drink and spit these fake fatening disgusting Peanut coladas and they're timed for seven minutes And then somebody comes and you try to get them to order you another drink and these drinks cost $30 Off the top of which you get five and the real trick is that you want to be somewhere else entirely when this bill comes So I listened to this and I thought I'm gonna hate this that I tried it and I was right. I did I hated it And so two hours later, I was standing by the bar calculating that I had made exactly $15 And I was looking up at the girl on the stage And I noticed that the same girl. I had seen in the dressing room not five minutes before And in the dressing room, she looked like plane and flawed.
She looked like a real girl on stage she looked gorgeous and confident and Magical and I had that moment. I had that moment that I had not that many years before with Jody Pagano, you know, I saw that transformation that girl had made and I thought That is what I want to be and so I dared myself to try it just that one time And I spent six of my fifteen dollars on a double shot of Jack Daniels and I threw that back and then with the rest of it I went to the concession stand there was concession stand at the Kit Kat Club and I bought a Kit Kat Club G-string and what a Kit Kat Club G-string was basically like this triangle of black highly flammable material with a white top hat and cane printed on it so that you would know you were somewhere classy and I took this and I took it into the dressing room and they tried to pull all my courage together and I put it on and I looked down and I noticed with Object horror that I had not shaved my bikini line Ever ever No, it was a thing and so there are like curls of hair peeking out around the top hat in the cane And I'm like trying to stuff them back in and it's totally unsuccessful and then the Jack Daniels starts talking and I'm like I'm gonna rock this because it's euro and So I take my big euro bush and I take it and get up on the stage and The DJ is playing that cure song that goes however far away. I will always love you. However long I stay I will always love you and I think about Adam the bartender and it seems like this very tragic romantic sort of moment And so I let the tragedy and the romance take me all the way down to the end of the catwalk And then I figure I should probably do something else other than just turn around and walk back so I can do a little spin and I catch sight of myself in a mirror as I do and In those rosy lights, I don't even recognize myself, you know I'm not awkward anymore.
I'm sort of Unusual and I'm not chubby anymore. I'm sort of like a Russ Meyer heroin And I liked it and so I danced around a little more and then I figured I should probably take off my bra because that's what you do there So I unhooked my bra. I turn around unhook my bra. I threw it to the side I turned back around my hands over my boobs and I fully expect to do like this big, you know showgirl reveal but For some reason my hands won't move So I'm standing up there frozen with my hands over my boobs It's this very surreal moment because I'm like willing my hands to move but they're not moving and they're all these expectant faces looking up at me and It's sort of this out-of-body experience where I'm on the stage willing my hands to move.
They're not moving and I'm also floating up somewhere by the disco ball looking at me going what is she gonna do now and Then this guy who I'd serve drinks to earlier a nice guy with a beard flannel shirt kind of guy walks up to the stage and he says You're doing just fine sweetheart. You're a much better dancer than you are a waitress And he holds out a $20 bill and I think it's mostly true that in any given situation never man will have his price and Apparently mine is $20 because that was all it took I dropped my hands I reached for the bill and there I was and it was fine and I danced around a little more And it was sort of like wildly Exhilarating and exciting and the men by the side of the stage were laughing and they were clapping more enthusiastically than I heard them clap for Anybody all night and probably more enthusiastically than I ever heard after that in my entire career because I was that rare thing I was that thing you can only be once I was a true amateur And so I took my money and I took it to the dressing room and I counted it And I figured that I had made more money in two songs than I had ever made in an entire night of cocktailing at the red lion And I looked at the girls on either side of me and I thought I could do this I could be Sparkly and and wild like they are I could have this whole new life And I took that money and I went home and I woke up the next morning and I went right out And I bought myself a pair of clear looseite platform heels and a neon pink bikini And I took it home and I danced around in it all afternoon until I had it down And I'm a very quick study And when I showed up I worked that night with my dance bag over my shoulder No one even recognized me as a girl who had started work as a cocktail waitress the night before and bam I'd become what I was pretending to be and it was it until many years later that I figured out that you should be very Very careful what you pretend to be. Thank you Good morning Hello Los Angeles, how are you giving up for yourselves of being attractive in LA? That's about like all right Well, I guess the theme this was game changing game changing was the thing and what I'm gonna tell you a story is And I did this last night when I did the comedy show here But it was quick I really didn't get to talk about the way I wanted to I can do it now And this was the day that pretty much decided that I wanted to do stand-up comedy This was like five years ago, and I was substitute teaching in Harvey, Illinois Which is like it's like the inner city, but in the suburbs, so it's like Memphis, Tennessee but outside of Chicago, so it's crazy and It's weird a little bit So I what I would do is I worked in United Airlines, and then I got laid off because of the bankruptcies I'm like traveling to Europe trying to find myself, you know how white people do you know, I go to Europe You know you're a fine yourself fine love with a German girl, you know, you know, we speak English It's a lot of eye contact that was a relationship was a whole bunch of eye contact And then how I'll finance his lifestyle was I was substitute teaching Harvey, Illinois Which was a you know sort of a low-income school where you know, you didn't was a college degree and you can teach some shit for a semester You know, that's what they tax dollars paid for so one day I was asked to be the sub for the MR class is that's advanced special needs like advanced advanced like wheelchairs helmets and big shoes and shit So and honestly, this story is gonna be inappropriate.
I'm being straight. I mean buckle the fuck up I mean seriously, okay, so the back the back story of it is like I knew this whole class is only eight boys And I was real cool with him My name was mr. B And I would watch Dragon Ball Z with them and hang out with them, you know Just kick it with them and they were real comfortable with me So my friend Karen was a teacher had to go to wedding she trusted me mr. B So one of the students his name was Kenny and he had a wheelchair and he had some guy who his job taxpayers money His job was to pretty much get Kenny off the bus taking you to the bathroom and I was it That was his dude's job the day I sub for Kenny's class guess who didn't fucking come to work that day Of course Tyler's answer not come to work that day So in the back of my mind, I'm like fuck but trying to block it out So we watch like at least three hours of Dragon Ball Z that day And I'm in the back of my mind stalling like I know I got take these motherfuckers at a bathroom So when it got in the line I'm wheeling them down to the bathroom everyone goes and you know Kenny's looking at me And describe what Kenny's situation was y'all remember Timmy from South Park, right?
Just imagine that but dipped in chocolate bone Kenny Okay, so he had like, you know very small very small boy We had a seat belt and big shoes and stuff and his waist had to be at least 13 inches wide Okay, so we wrote I wrote him into the handicapped stall closer door and it's amazing how small I handicapped all kids When you got two people and a wheelchair, okay, like in a club it's humongous, but like I Mean but in this situation got real tight So I rolled him up to the toilet and I just kind of turned around and you know It was quiet for a second. I looked at him and then he said that looking at me like my fuck You know I can't get up So I'm like, oh, yeah, great shit fuck. Okay, so I undo his seat belt and I turn around again And he's like yo, you know, I'm like dude come on So I lifted him up and I'm kind of like propped him on with his arms on to the wall And then turned around and then realized shit I gotta pull his pants down because if he did that it would be like a slapstick comedy thing and he would bust his head So he as he's holding his body up with his arms I guess it was a routine that clearly Tyler knew about it I didn't know the whole ins and outs of how to take him to the bathroom clearly That was a job that someone needs to do so I get on my knees and right then I'm like god damn I came I've never thought I would find myself Ryan Babylon on my knees in the bathroom stuff. Okay, that's a type of party and I'm like down for it so all my knees and I pull his little boy's pants down and I see that he has a fucking pull up diaper.
I'm like, okay, I guess he wouldn't need a pull up You know, I'm thinking that in my mind I can so I pull down the pull up and I turn my head and I'm in my mind fucking whatever you do wherever you peaches Pee we weren't here we'll bounce so I turn my head I'm on my knees and I turn my head and I don't hear any noises and then I'm like shit what's going on so I look at the corner of my peripheral I have very good peripheral vision. It's like serious I don't know it's like whatever it is. I have very good peripheral vision So out of my peripheral vision I see Kenny's waist. I see this large man's coming out of Kenny's waist And I'm like instantly ladies and gentlemen Los Angeles, California I thought fuck this little boy so deformed that his butt is turned around and facing the front and he's taking a dump out the Front that's the first thing I thought I know that's crazy.
I'm like shit He's taking the shit out the front Wow So as I turn around and see it's not a turd But I swear to God to you. It's the biggest horse cop that I've ever seen in my fucking life and the best description Of the face I made because we have been watching Dragon Ball Z all day. It was like a it was like a bajida stroke for Unbelievable. I can't believe it was the craziest.
I was like it was half jealousy and half shot in the same like wow what wow Wow at that point. I'm like fuck this man. I'm on my knees. It's humongous handicapped child cock in my face I'm done with this situation.
So This story just jumps the shark, okay So as I'm like hurrying to get myself out of the situation I pull the pull up up and at that point the huge horse dick gets stuck on the diaper and I'm in the elastic It's pulled down with the dick meat So it's like heavy dick meat on a diaper So you feel the elastic of the diaper plastic with a heavy dick meat and those are two feelings that should never twine meat Okay, the diaper and heavy dick me should never meet never So I feel the dick meat on the diaper. I'm like, oh my god. I need a career change at that point What's the theme of this? Game-changer right motherfucking there that was right there and I felt that heavy child dick meat on the diaper And I'm trying to flip it into the diaper like a bullshit game of balling it up.
It was like, oh my god That moment give me the fuck out of the situation So I'll pull his pants up and I set him down. I'm like, man, whatever you do P just P I don't care and then you know what that's why I kind of wrote my first joke of You see these diaper commercials where you see, you know, them trying to sell fancy diapers and they're pouring cups of blue piss into a diaper to prove how strong these diapers are and I'm like first of all, who's letting kids just sit in cups of piss like that and secondly Your child's kidneys is fucked up because he is blue. That's just So I'll roll Kenny back to the classroom and at that point I never went back to Brooks Elementary Junior High School the week after that and I've been doing pretty decent doing Sam comedy. I love your city.
I love you. You guys are very attractive smart people and keep supporting public radio. Adios. Thank you very much Right, I'm gonna pretend the tail end of that was for me Folks it is so easy to underestimate how radically different really well crafted high-quality betting feels from anything else I got these Satine sheets from pom-pom and I feel like I am staying suddenly at a very wealthy person's Vacation home on the French Riviera both so luxurious and elegant and cozy and comfortable makes for a much more Relaxing sleep a mother and son duo started the company pom-pom 15 years ago while traveling the globe Looking for the best and most unique linens in the world the mission was create exquisite betting collections that inspire Relaxation and luxury in subtle tones that bring to mind coastal living impeccable craftsmanship with only the finest fabrics and high attention to detail silky soft linens cozy and fresh feeling and Machine washable for easy care and maintenance and pet friendly pom-pom at home is easy to use easy to love luxury betting Go to pom-pom at home dot-com and start designing your dream bed and right now They're offering 15% off your first order.
So check out their sheets duvets throws and more. That's pom-pom at home dot-com Okay, all right guys, you're doing wonderfully feel good about yourselves as an audience and remain your wonderful selves for the next storyteller Let's start plotting right now for Jenna Brister everybody What is up, what are you guys feeling? Greatest hits going all night. We're in the clock.
Okay, so everyone's here in the 90s, right? Everyone was alive. Okay, so I don't know what you guys But we had a family van it was one of those Dodge Caravans burgundy and so my mom got one of those and my dad's by fuck the podcast You know and I'm seriously it's crazy CIA stuff But anyways, so he was off-spine and so my mom was left alone with me and my brother and my sister And so she would let me have this very like Huck Finn suburban Seattle childhood She let us like paint our bodies watercolor and like make mud volcanoes with Alka seltzer Taekwondo like shit like that, but when we're out running errands She kept this like court sauce pan underneath the driver's seat of the van and anytime we're out like about to the grocery store And you're one of my siblings had to pee. She was like, okay cool And she was like throwing in a park and then the rest of us who didn't have to would like stand outside the van And she would shut the slider and then whoever had to like me and my sister would just squat over it Or my brother would like aim and you it was called a peepod.
This was like a social norm in my family Like the peepods are there for you And so and then when you're done she would open the van grab the handle and like toss the urine into the closest letterbox Like that was my childhood. I never saw the inside of like a star's bathroom like those didn't exist It was like peepod or nothing We continued to use it until I was at least 10 because I think I remember it disappeared around the same time I stopped like winning the bed which I think if I ever went to therapy, they'd be like oh, it's a fucking connected obviously You know what I mean side this mindset that there's like there's always gonna be a peepod for you Jen You never have to go before you leave the house. You can do it in the car who cares and Around 14. I don't play the parks and rec athletics, but I love playing softball not because I was good I was not I was horrible, but I love a column response chance Fucking so much.
Okay, and so but to my best friends a man in Courtney They are their dads were the coaches of like the number one team in Washington called blue thunder Which looked exactly as you would imagine cobalt blue tank tops with like a cloud and a lightning bolt shooting out of it Cobalt blue sliding shorts, which if you know it's like spanks with padding on the side So you can like slide into home and like not scratch your style bags or whatever when you're 14 And so and then a white pinstripe shorts over that and like socks and cleats so they were like sick super cool uniforms They were tryouts. I'm horrible But just because I had so much energy they were like let's put her on a squad And I was stoked because like all my BFS were on the team and everyone like okay We're in junior high like the funny butch girl like this was a team of like hilarious butch girls Which I thought was awesome. So the team was dope I sometimes played right field if injuries and increasing score would let it happen But I liked right field because I got to just have some big league shoe great flavor I would sniff my imitation leather glove off the classic and I would do a call and response for my field You know I mean I was that fucking weird though But rarely balls would rarely fly my way look be the lady like so I never had to like deal with the softball aspect But our biggest rival was the lady Hawks now this they had they're like that team with like oh my god You know the pigtail braids of like ribbons or black and red and we're cobalt and white It's like you guys and they had like this terrifying picture who I can only describe by saying like if Chelsea Clinton ain't Chris Farley Fucking scary and she would hit you on purpose and so I hate it going to bat because I was terrified I've seen people get in the face and so the season's going on squad is awesome So we make it to the state tournament, which is hilarious, and I'm gonna hold out like I don't know if you've heard a softball call and response But my favorite one was like hey, Tonya. Hey, Tonya.
Hey, what hey, what how do you smell y'all victory? I split my be a girl my CTO. I was funny shit to me. I was like the game started.
That's nice I see a hole out there like it was awesome. I loved it It's the summer of love you know, I mean and like some my friends were getting finger for the first time But I was like 15 bags of cool ranch Doritos like that was my life And so we make it the state tournament and it's in Richland out in Eastern Washington Which the billboard when you drive in on 90 says the Palm Springs of Washington And so my family loads up in the van minus the people at this time. It disappeared Which was weird never to be talked about again. Honestly, and so we play the first game It's like over a hundred degrees out and this was before water was cool.
Okay, the member in the 90s when nobody drank water Like you drank squeeze it like a pre-sons. I'm like shitty Kool-Aid like that was it you guys and and I was 14 on a binge and so we play the first three games and we win because the team is good I'm on the bench leading chance loving life and We win the next couple games. So it's Sunday morning. We have a 9am game to see if we're gonna make other championships We face off against the Diamond Dolls a night late.
Okay, but the problem is in that game. It was like the Diamond Dolls are bitches Okay, like they're not they're not nice and Kelly got body checked by their catcher What she was lying in a home So she was out and then my friend Lisa slid over a glass shard and like cut her leg open I was like bloods where he never where and so all the reserves are gone So I'm like fuck I'm gonna have to play in the championship game like there's no reason why Jennifer's there should be playing a competitive sport at a State level at any point in my life at all And so I look on one of the dads looks like Randy Johnson I just said the stage for you the other one like Prince Charles nice This guy's ever for like a man this team. Okay, so much of Randy Johnson and Prince Charles are like you're going in brister I'm like, yes, whatever you're saying, you know unit Prince Charles Um, and so uh, so it's the championship game and we're facing off against. Yes Chelsea Clinton Chris Farley is warming up on the side and my parents are so excited because they're like you're gonna play There's only nine of you and I'm like dang it and sure enough I'm in the game and luckily I either walk because I had a very small strike zone as you probably see from where you see Or I strike out because I blew at softball and so those are like my two options So the first few innings are going on and I walk successfully, you know And they put someone good after me in the lineup so that I can get the run, you know But that day things were not good digestively for me I was on day three of a pretty horrific dehydration And I was back and forth to the port-a-potty and there were two port-a-pottys down at their baseline passes Chainlink fence and in between innings and like whenever I wasn't doing anything like I see a hole out there I was like sprint down and then like peel down my sledding shorts and just like I'm talking like shit lava shooting out of me And I didn't know why I was like, oh did I eat some bad pizza I was like no you never drink water ever ever ever ever just sugar And so my mom's looking at me like super concerned like okay So I'm like running back and forth at the port-a-potty and I'm just like this blows I don't want to do it's all tied up and we're getting towards the end of the game And I get up to bat and Prince Charles gives me the signal to bunt which is baseball lingo for put your face in the line of fire And so I attempt to I botched that obviously I never would successfully bunt in a game and I get walked So I'm like okay fine, so I'm on first base and Prince Charles then gives me the signal to steal You have to be joking me about to show myself and I was sitting there and like Courtney's a bit about which is awesome I'm like okay great Which is good news bears for the squad because we'll get the thing about news bears for me because I'm going to poop in t-minus five seconds And so I'm like all right I have to do it And so I'm just like letting it uh pitches the ball against past the catcher So I'm like all right I'm off I'm going and so I'm like sprinting a dead sprint towards second base They throw the ball and so I launch into the reason why I'm sliding shorts into a figure four leg lock And like I took this leg under slide in a second as a pool of hot foam Shoots out of my body and I can feel it.
No one can see it because of the signy choice So it's shall act against my my person as I'm standing there having my first ever panic attack to the soundtrack of softball noises There's like high fives and people like whatever and Prince Charles is like yeah, and I'm like oh geez And so I'm waiting there according to something bad I'm like I have no options and so luckily the next pitch She hits it deep out of the outfield and I run awkwardly pass their base and Prince Charles is doing one of these Fucking go home prisoner. I'm like ah my parents are like up other lawn chairs. Just like yeah It was like the greatest thing ever But I was like having the worst time ever and so I go around third and I like go past everyone and I'm like hi I think so much I was like I just like ran straight down the training fence and my mom just like what and the whole squad I was like too excited cuz now we're like winning by one and I get in the porta party and I pull down my study shorts And it's like a chocolate mousse royale phone party Brown on cobalt guys not a good color scheme not a good one And so I peel off I want cleats and top naked and I peel everything else off And I put the sliding shorts in the hole of the porta party and then I unraveled the paper over it because like if someone in there They'd be like oh come on blue. There's a blue thunder So I covered it over and I put on the white pinstripe shorts And I like all right and so I went back and I just like my dad slipped quietly to the dugout and uh and my mom My mom comes over and she's like where were you slightly shorts?
I didn't know what to say. I just looked at her horrified and I stared her in the glasses I pooped him and I should have known that the one woman who let me urinate in kitchenware in the family van routinely for ten years What really fuck and she looks at me and she just goes classic. All right get back in there Go you got a game to finish So the peep hot We'll never we'll never again be there for me, but my my crazy-ass family always will thank you Yeah, yeah, she could fit in my pocket Okay, all right guys. We're doing great doing great feeling great feeling good.
We have one final storyteller And he's a delight are you guys ready for a delight? One of my favorite people, please give it up for Greg Fitzsimmons everybody Greg He's like he's like my yin and yang. He's like this calm sweet accepting kind of a pussy But like in the best possible way he's a pussy like like he just can't be anything else like some people are pussies because They're sublimating their real instincts and Pete is just a good guy and I've tried to push him I want to see him fucking snap and I can't I mean Literally like one night he was on at the UCB and I was on next and I literally walked on stage halfway into his closing bit And I just stood there and he goes to me. Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm like going long And I just shook my head and walked off the stage. I can't do it. I can't crack this son of a bitch I'm the opposite I'm a very angry person and you know and I found comedy I think is a way of getting that out and dealing with it and I think a lot of it springs from it's just bronze Irish DNA It's just in I don't know that I ever could have been anything but you know controlled anger successfully working with anger and the thing is I grew up in New York and I Grew up like upper-middle class. We grew up in a town called Tarrytown just outside the city.
Yeah, thank you very much, sir Do you know it? You didn't live there? At the YMCA Wow, I saw kid almost get molested there once didn't know it at the time Was taking swim lessons and then and the shower it's like one of those holocaust showers It's just a big room with the shower heads and so we're all like fucking four or five And I just remember the guy who taught it he had a shaved hand. I forget his name was that same Comes in yes, motherfucker.
Oh That makes the story creepier Because we were in that shower and this is way before puberty no kind of self You know we're not inhibited and we're all standing a shower and then Came in and he picked one of the kids up because the girls were now in swim practice And he picked him up and he pretended he was gonna carry him out to where the girls were But I remember specifically his fingers clutching the butt cheeks of the naked boy and holding him up and thinking that's so fucking funny It was a visual that stayed with me and I never thought you don't think at that age that it's wrong cut to 20 years later Getting high with my friends and we're talking about the YMCA and I talk about yeah, we were in the shower Yeah, and it all played through my head But now with the knowledge of what I fucking really saw and I went I think that was wrong Had you ever heard stories like this? Very nice That's that's why there was no red flags when he grabbed the kids ask you It's been very nice Anyway So you know it's Harrytown and the YMCA is basically if there's a good good side of the tracks on a bad side of the tracks The YMCA are the tracks because below it are housing projects and you know like serious like they were big I'll take it from here. We got it I appreciate you fleshing out the scenario But I'm gonna run a narrative right through it So I live in this town and you know from my bedroom I can see the whole New York City skyline out of one of my windows and in the other window I can see a GM plant and all these tenements and so my family Felt that it was better to send me to one of the worst school systems in the fucking country like horrible And I didn't know why they did it and and so it was part of this whole thing I think that my because they were both born poor in the Bronx And I think pretty abused by their parents and a church especially Catholic schools They get the shit kicked out so I think they didn't want to raise pussy my dad's main mission like not to raise a pussy So he would do things like we brought we belong to a golf club in white planes But they made us work humiliating jobs from a young age I used to work in the shoeshine room at like ten like on a hot summer day everyone's in the pool I'm fucking shining shoes Disney from the fumes with Willie Galloway who had a fist he called the black hammer It's old black guy from Texas and he fucking had a bowl whip and he'd hit you with the bowl whip I'm not making the shit up. He had a cattle prod and he would fucking zap you with a cattle brought and then my father would laugh about it He was sick I could have been playing golf and I was like caddying and I would like pick up balls old guys would hit balls at me And I'd have to pick them up with a bag for like three bucks an hour and it was nuts And then and then instead as he could have sent me to a nice private school and instead They sent me this really shitty school and so so I'm at this one school and I remember this story He was like sixth grade and the school was in the bad part of town And they were the thing they called the benches because all these people hung out on them They were called the grave diggers and funny story about the grave diggers What they did was they dug up a grave of a newly buried body and they were on angel dust and they played football with body parts And the police knew this because they showed up and actually watched them because they couldn't believe what they were seeing And three of them went to prison for several years then got out of prison went back to the benches where I would walk past them to go to school every day And so and just the step back in which was just above the GM plant where all the workers would go and drink during their breaks And get high and you wonder how did American cars get so bad?
Harry Town, New York They were all fucked up like all my friends father's work there like oh yeah my dad comes up shit face from work every day It was a party it was a lemon party every fucking day So I was in sixth grade and I was already comedy was already a big part of my life It was I had all kinds of routines that I would do I was just that really as you can see I'm not a big guy I was a really skinny little pale. I was bald then in sixth grade. I was like Charlie Brown It was very sad and so I would I would tell jokes that was my thing and I would do bits with other people like this guy John Yersak We would do like that we would do the 2000 year old man routines and like shit from the muppet show And and then there was this and then there was another kid named Dwayne Davis who was this black kid who was just you know The toughest but coolest kid and his nickname was Snoopy Snoop way before the other fucking Snoop He was Snoop how you write pictures of Snoopy on his notebooks everybody called him Snoop. He was fucking cool It was beautiful.
He was this kid who had just like how you could have the confidence He had in sixth grade like just star basketball player great student fucking good looking dating Tainesha Davis at the time who was gorgeous the two of them were fucking beautiful And he was but then you start hearing that he was he was getting high You know and we thought that was cool You know snoop smoke and reefer man and it was cool But then the joke was a little skinny me is I would pretend that I could scare him So I'd go up in front of a bunch of kids and I'd be like and I'd be like Snoop. Where's my book? I'd be like oh man I don't know. I'll find he'd act really scared and it was fucking hilarious.
We do it every day People couldn't believe it. They're like right. Are you fucking crazy? No, no, no, it's funny watch And so this one on and then we get to seventh grade Which is like the next school up you finish it six and then seventh and eighth is where shit starts to get a little more serious If you're pretty kicking in and me and my friends we start to get high my friend Frank Jackson would bring a cassette It was a mouth the hoop will cassette tape for the pin joints and there were dollar and mostly paper But we'd smoke weed at lunch every single day in seventh grade and then me and my friend Ricky his father had a wine cellar And he'd steal a bottle before school at least one day We can we drink a bottle of wine before homeroom at 12 and then we can I and and it was really fucking crazy And so it was just it's a very fucked-up town.
It's hard for me to describe how it's where did you grow up sir? Okay, so Hastings was a really nice. It was a hamlet Hastings was a hamlet and it was this bucolic town on the Hudson which Tarrytown also was but it didn't have projects and a GM plant So it just it you had Yonkers. Yeah, but you were you were far enough from Yonkers.
You're okay, and Hastings It's put it this way. It's called Hastings hyphen on hyphen Hudson If you're on anything, it's not that fucking bad If you're on Avon or on Hudson or so so anyway, we get to something great and now I come up to snoop one day We're in the hallway and he's and here's the thing you gotta understand about the black kids in Tarrytown Is there was like three or four families and it was like everybody was fucking related like if you were a Davis or a Murphy You had cousins and second cousins and uncles and you didn't know who belonged to who until a fight started And then all of a sudden like random black people came and beat the shit out of you Cuz you fucked with one of them, but I know this yet. I was about to find out I come up to Dwayne one day and he's hanging out with a few other black kids and and I go I throw a pencil and I go Dwayne I dropped my pencil and Dwayne just looks at me like and these kids are looking at him Like what the fuck is this Dwayne and Dwayne just reaches over He picks me up puts me on his shoulder and fucking body slams me and I just lay there and I couldn't fucking breathe And I just heard a bunch of people laugh in and high-five in Dwayne I was just like what the fwane the script what happened? And he just they all turned around and walked away and I saw Dwayne walking away and then I just saw him kind of Look over shoulder at me like Like he cared, but he could like that was what's the theme tonight?
When the game changed that's what that was it when they told me that theme I thought about like for me And it wasn't how I felt about black people it was just about how I understood that life gets was her point I still have black people you're beautiful Are you tiny show you're not tiny show It just it changed the fact that everything has context in it, you know, and that that sadly gets Bad and and my kids now and I think the reason why my dad sent me again to the shitty school where the grades were horrible And I had no education and I was doing drugs at a young age is that he didn't want me to be spoiled he wanted to be kind of, you know, street smart and tough and and now I have two kids and they go to a Public school that has probably 40% of the kids are on school lunch programs It's Spanish immersion school and it's a fucking tough school and his best friends are Latino and black and you know I don't know I didn't have a choice It never seemed like a choice to me to send my kid to a place where he was gonna be one of every gifted child in the class Where they're all not giving grades and they're just in pods where they sort of like give their best effort and are rewarded with vegan fucking chips And the moms are all hot and yoga pants with yoga fucking Starbucks cups that are this big and the dads are all alpha douchebags But they act gentle at school. I didn't want any of that anger. I didn't want that repressed fucking anger I wanted a real and I don't know it didn't like consciously it wasn't like I want to fuck my kid up I was just more like no I want him to know what life is I want him to be around real people I know that for this slice of his life the universe will revolve around the upper middle-class white male that he is who's fucking gorgeous and my daughter They're beautiful straight A's captains of fucking sports teams And I said let's put him somewhere where they're not the middle of it and I know it's gonna And every day and a part of that I think also is my father. It's very edible.
You don't want your son He's gonna your son is gonna try to kill you metaphorically. He will challenge you. He will grow past you He will be more successful than you so I don't want to facilitate that And the same way that my father did not want to facilitate that So every day I pull up to that school with a chain link fence and a fucking concrete playground And I hand him his lunch and I open the door and I say good luck ass all Alright, thanks very much. You guys have a great Thank Good Simmons everybody one more time for the wonderful Thank Good Simmons.
That is our show everybody. Thank you so much for coming out I want to thank my sister and her helpful friend and guru and John Lennon and Chad Fuck you Chad Scarface and 70s 80s 80s 90s and today you guys are a great crowd. Stay black. Good night forever Hey That's all for this week folks, this is from a brand new mashup album called DJ BC Presents blue and didn't mow now listen if you would like to see one of these risk live shows in New York or Los Angeles The next one is happening in both cities on the same night June 28th So come on out and see us we don't have confirmations for some of these yet But we're talking to a slew of people about doing our summer shows We're talking about Judah Friedlander and David Cross and Kerry Kenny Sheng Wang Carlos Kotkin Tom Shalu Helen Hong but no matter who is on the lineup risk is a wonderful evening out So get your asses in those seats and don't forget we teach this stuff too Because it inspires us if you go to the story studio.org our school is currently being run by five people and all five Can tell you a true story about how storytelling changed their life And now all five of us we watch as students come in and students will say stuff like oh, I'm so shy Or I just don't know how to hold people's attention You come to us and we'll show you how to open up how to show us a little bit of your heart and your guts how to examine your life And own it we teach storytelling because we see how empowering and how affirming it is to share it with us Check it out online or in person and even corporate workshops at the story studio org another reason I end every episode saying folks today's the day take a risk