Live From Portland! (CRE326)

Hello kids. This is risk the show where people tell true stories. They never thought they dare to share I'm Kevin Allison and every Thursday we release these special episodes where we look back at content from the earlier years of the podcast This week an episode of risk that was first released in April of 2012 Now I should warn you that in the final story by the legendary Maria Bamford incidents include the death of a pet and Suicidal ideation, but without further ado here from 2012 is an episode we call live from Portland Coming I am so Discombobulated into story. I have never done a two o'clock in the afternoon show in my 42 years on the planet So thank you for coming every one of the people telling stories today is supremely hung over and The idea is these are the kinds of stories that you would tell to your friends like late at night like over drinks Basically the whole thing started because I thought where is a show where I can tell that story about the time I brought that guy home, and he made me tie my shoes to my balls That's why we're here if I had never strapped those strings about my testicles.

We might not be here right now So it's very exciting. We always tell people nothing is inappropriate I had someone who wanted to pitch a story for the show very recently who said would it be inappropriate for me to tell the story about the Time I vomited into my girlfriend's vagina. I said that is so appropriate But we also have very like emotional stories We've had like very very serious stories as well So fans of the show kind of love the way that it can like go in any direction and catch you off guard The first person I'm going to bring up is very dear to us because her show was one of the inspirations of this show She is one of the co-creators of the show stripped stories that plays at the UCB Theater in New York and in Los Angeles And she's just a dear wonderful lady. She's been on our show on our podcast a couple of times.

Please welcome Julia Razzi Thank you So my mom is extremely clean We couldn't have a dog growing up cuz dogs are dirty We couldn't wear shoes in the house cuz shoes are dirty and we absolutely under no circumstances could sit on a public toilet seat That was like the dirtiest of the dirty and growing up whenever we'd go to a restaurant And I would get up to use the bathroom on my way back My mom would literally like interrogate me across the restaurant. My mom is a Italian immigrant You'll figure that out by the accent, but um she would yell across the restaurant She'd be like it Julia did you do pull her pee pee because if you did pull I know your touch Like that's and she would scream it and I'm like mom I'm at 14 and I did pee pee. Okay. Don't ask like it was just and I was like this is like an Italian thing But I just realized it's kind of just a just my mom thing I think and when she would get really stressed about toilet seats She would turn alcohol Rubbing alcohol she brought it to every hotel room we ever stayed at and immediately we checked on the first thing She would do would just rub the toilet down and she would just sit there and just clean it and clean it And I'd be like I'd walk in she like can you believe not that anybody does this?

Yeah, we're at Disney World. Um you should be outside enjoying this But but to her Disney World was the most magical place on earth I'm not because of the Epcot ball or the castle But because Disney World when we went in the late 80s was the first time that we found a place where every bathroom had toilet seat covers That you could pull from a little dispenser and oh my god was my mom throat That was her favorite ride at Disney World was just like pulling them down and shoving as many as she could in her purse As it is my souvenir, you know, like she just loved them So growing up with that I I would have spiked and rebellion would always have toilet seats Like I just like sit and rub and I'm like, yeah, give me that disease Like I just it was like my way of acting out And I also I can't put anything on the toilet because like not only did I grow up with the toilet seat covers My mom also we have a plastic on the couch My lunch was always wrapped in multiple plastic bags My mom even sometimes with plastic on the plastic fruit that was in the fruit bowl Like I think if she could she would wrap the whole family in plastic and just wrap us up in Saran wrap So and I've said to her before, you know, you might have OCD like maybe I don't want not a doctor But you might she's like Julia. I'm not crazy I'm a good mother and I guess you are a very good mother I do not have a problem with your mothering and you are not crazy What I do have a problem with is the fact that I'm now your daughter that has a little OCD And I don't use it for useful things like cleaning like I wish at least that's useful I use it for things like I need validation to see how many people retweeted my tweets like that's where my OCD if I Used it to clean my kitchen. I wouldn't have cockroaches, you know, like it's just so she's on to something at least she's useful Um, so growing up this way, you can imagine my horror and fear that I felt when I got head lice at age 28 Yes, I wasn't allowed to go to camp Because camp was dirty.

So I got head lice at 28 This is a totally different story, but I was married I was depressed I was living in Boston, but I was traveling down to New York every weekend to escape my marriage and I'm now divorced It was great and I would take this the Chinatown bus and I'm guessing I got head lice on the Chinatown bus And God was punishing me for being a horrible wife, but I got it I think on the bus I don't want to think I got it for my friend's air mattress We'll just say I got it from the bus. So my head started to itch and I am known to get a little dry scalp I'll admit and nothing to be ashamed. Dandruff is not a sign of being dirty, okay, okay, and So I was like, oh, it's just just dry scalp But it was really bad and I just happen to have a doctor's appointment the same week that I had this really itchy scalp So I go to the doctor and I'm like, hey my dry scalp is out of control lately Can you like is there like a special shampoo that you can give me and my doctor looks in my head and just totally nonchalantly goes Oh, it's not dry scalp, it's lice I was like, what do you, what? And she goes, oh here I'll show you and then she picks the lice out of my head puts it under a magnifying glass So the lice like like that like, you know in the raid commercial and it's like really But it was lice and there was hundreds of them on my beautiful naturally black hair like I was freaking out And I was like, I don't know if you guys have ever had lice, but I would not wish it on anyone except for my high school Bully and Spencer Pratt.

I'm not really into him. Maybe the car some of the Kardashian It was so so she's like, oh, don't worry. It's not a big deal And she hands me a comb and the shampoo and she's like just wash your hair comb it You'll be fine I'm like and I had to like get on the subway after this to go home And I was just sort of like rocking and crying and I didn't want to touch anyone I felt ashamed and then I got home and luckily my husband was out of town So we didn't have to see what was gonna happen I just like ripped off my clothes threw them away Ripped all my sheets like through everything that was fabric like in a room just shut the door I was like I will deal with you later And I went into the bathroom and I got in the shower and I started putting the shampoo in my hair And I then I just like sat in the tub like like like made for TV movie rape scene, you know what I mean? I'm just like oh And like a lot of like you know when you hold on to the door and sort of slide town that kind of thing And I read the box as it's in my hair and you know huge letters It says I think you're just like only leave it on for 10 minutes like to not go over 10 minutes can cause seizure or death And I was like great.

I would love to die like I would I believe it on for 25 minutes and kill myself And this will be fantastic And so my sister my older sister is living next door to me at the time and she just walked in my apartment She was like hey Julia you're here and I was like And she came in the bathroom and I just like slowly pulled back like the shower door She's like are you okay like How mommy and I She's like oh my god. I was like I just and I got out and I started calming and picking and then I did and this Just proves you what a great sister. I have I started getting paranoid I was like what if I like at one point scratched my head before I went to the bathroom And now I gave myself pubic place and that's the saddest way to get pubic lace But what if that what if that happened? I've never experienced this before and so I made my sister comb through my pubes You guys love um She was like it's okay, and she just combed through and search like are you sure like it was I shaved it all off anyways Hey guys, and um it's grown back significantly so I Lot especially since I've been in Portland.

I was just like whatever and um it looks like your head actually so Anyways back to my my lice and so all clear down here really went through the hair a lot felt like I was in the clear Didn't die and I washed everything. I felt really good. I was gonna go to bed. I'm gonna wake up I'll be a lice-free fantastic new woman woke up head still itchy still full of life So I was like okay.

There's really only one person that can help me So I went to my mom's house and I rang the bell and I just sort of like I had my head like wrapped in the towel Just to protect it and I had my little comb my little shampoo and she's like come in and she brought me inside She throws me on this chair She rips off my shirt and then I handle the gloves she's like No gloves. Okay, and she just starts ripped like literally like going through my hair No comb either and going picking up a lice and gun ah I'm throwing it like oh Just throwing them across from Swag Italian swear words just being like uh and I was like don't you wanna I'm so sorry and she goes oh please we had these all over Italy like this to her was fun Like she was like getting off on this She snuffed a few pieces of hair you couldn't? I mean she and it was gone. It was totally gone.

And when it was done, she was Icy you think I'm crazy I was like, you know what? You're right. So now whenever I go to the bathroom I always make sure to put paper down whenever I do poo-poo or pee-pee. Thank you Julia Rossi everyone That reminded me of a story.

I haven't told in a long time I when I was on the sketch comedy show the state on MTV In the 90s and and there were members of the group like Michael and Black would regularly while we were on the show say Hey guys, let's go to the mall and get recognized Basically young girls young girls were interested in the members of the group and I was like well When are the gay guys gonna like hey? We love the state, but I would go to gay bars No one ever heard of this thing I went to an event once where it was a big like gay sort of dance and a guy was and I had just taken ecstasy Which is I don't do well on any of those sorts of things it always ends up being like me terrified hiding undercover somewhere And so it's just about kicking in and this guy was like hey I think you're on some sort of comedy show and I was like yeah, yeah the state It was like well, what do you guys do for that exactly? I was like well we write it we're the actors we direct it We edit it and we you know more or less produce the whole thing the 11 of us and he was like yeah, I hate that show so that was my like one time of being recognized at a gay event while the state was on MTV and then I started my first real long-term boyfriend kind of Almost husband sort of situation and we decided right from the start purely philosophically that it was gonna be an open relationship You know just because we're gay and we don't have to follow the rules that everyone else follows So we decided that was it but for two years we didn't act on it for two years We were monogamous then after two years. I said to him.

Hey, you know what I miss is or cheese That would be interesting and we said from the start we were in open relationship He was like alright. I'm still not interested. I'm gonna stay doing the monogamous thing But you go off and have fun, but he was a germaphobe right? He was always afraid of things like lies and all and skates and everything else So he said here's the deal There's only one rule when you go you have to bring along a couple of things of lice shampoo and go into the bathroom When you're about to leave the party and cover your whole body in this stuff Before making your exit and I was like wow, that's really inconvenienced That is really hardcore, but you know what I really want to go to some orgies So I go to my first one and it said some guy's apartment in Queens and it's really like CD and you know All kinds of you know men of different ages and I was about to say sexes But not quite races and it was fun It was weird it was debaucherous and everything like that and then I was like alright I've had enough it's time to go so I went into his bathroom It was just a regular dude's apartment so I'm in his bathroom and I'm like all right now I've got to do this I've got to take off all my clothes and cover my body in this pubic lice shampoo And it's awful because it burns you can't have it on for more than 10 minutes and it smells the high heaven And I'm like oh my god I don't know if this if I can keep doing this because this rule is too difficult Maybe I should just leave all this behind and as I'm smelling and gooey and just a shiny like monstrous mess Someone walks in accidentally because the latch on the door didn't work and he says oh, I'm so sorry He's like what the fuck is covering this guy and then he says oh hey, weren't you on the state?

All right, let's keep things moving here. Our next storyteller. He's one of my very favorites He is now in Los Angeles, but we we know each other from four years back in New York Please welcome the wonderful mr. Baron Vaughn I got in my car the other day on the street and I said something out loud I went we milked this titty and I can't believe it's taking me my entire life to think of that pun like I was ashamed I'm like really so far After I mean they were Jefferson airplane then Jefferson Starship then Starship all that had to happen for me 12 years after that to think of that In a city.

I don't live in anyway, I um, I um, I don't feel like I have a lot of stories and it's racial come with me on this I grew up in a neighborhood where I was constantly told not to engage not to confront people to walk away to keep your head down By all means do not make trouble and that has served me into this day Which is why I'm wickedly paranoid. I'm not as much anymore like now I can sit in a restaurant with my back to the window it that took a long time a long time and it's most and it's Most black man that I know we don't sit when we watch every single exit just to know just in case I'm shit goes down and someone be like well This is a great neighborhood like and that's entitlement. That's how you get stabbed But it all stems from in third grade in Las Vegas, Nevada small town boy I Was a latch key kid So I'd be at home for two hours of the day by myself right and I just be taking care of myself and one day I was at home and I just recently hung out at a white friend's house And I noticed he didn't lock the door when we were inside and I walked past the door and I looked at it It was unlocked. I'm like I need to lock the door.

Nah. I'll lock the door. I locked the door I turn around not five seconds went by before someone just tried the door like the pilot of walking dead someone just Took the door knob and jiggled it and ever since then I'm like I always need to lock the fucking door I went to college in Boston, Massachusetts and I spent two summers in Boston a summer to my junior and senior year in my sophomore and junior year And I was there my junior and senior year and Boston during the summer is a ghost town All the students go home so you got nothing to do except hang out with hit Cambridge types and One July in Boston a friend of mine was like hey, it's July the fourth Let's go see some fireworks because you know It's a big in Massachusetts because that's where independence happened So we decide we're gonna go see these fireworks And there's boss the city of Boston in the city of Cambridge and between the two is the Charles River And there's many bridges that go over the river which people stand on during July 4th There's a barge on the water shoots fireworks into the sky not a lot of obstructions So everyone can see and we're like let's go do this But neither of us wanted to stand on the bridge with all those people at the same time saying the Pledge of allegiance or clapping Whatever he's supposed to do on July the 4th So we're like okay Well, let's do this because Boston University's campus is aligned on the Charles River and the back of a lot of the buildings There's like a skanky skanky alley then a wall then a highway then the river So we're like what we'll do is we'll go to the back of our building and we'll sit on the firescape And we'll have a perfect view and we don't have to deal with anybody right? So this is a girl that I we had dated once and we kissed once or like this is wrong But years later we were friends and we were both there for the summer and we decided to do this So we go to the back of this building and the first it's five floors and the first floor is huge It's bigger than the rest of the building so we had to go all the way back to the back of the first floor take the one fire escape It's very important one fire escape that goes up to the first floor that we walked around the gravel of the first floor To the second and third fifth we got on the firescape we're in the fourth floor so we're watching the fireworks while this is happening and like oh say whatever and I Notice out of my peripheral Two shadowy figures and I can't tell from the distance What kind of figures they are and I see them come up on the fire escape And I see one of them grab the railings and bend to their bodies in a 90 degree angle like so And then the other one got behind the first figure and started something I think is called pumping So I was kind of looking at them and looking at the fireworks and my brain I don't know why maybe because I just was talking about the phenomenon of gay thugs with a friend of mine Which is a thing if you don't know there's two kinds of gay thugs They're black gay men who dress up like gangsters and the thuggy and they hold hands and make out in public I don't give a fuck and then there's the other ones who give a fuck who are secretly gay and will stab anyone's eyes that sees That's going down.

That's what I thought was going on. Oh my god. There's gay gang members down there There's they're fucking on our exit. There's no way for us to get down when we try to pass through them It's gonna be like a gauntlet.

I don't want this to happen and I'm watching the fireworks and my friend Sees me seeing this couple and she says in a voice that was just way too condescending She goes why is that other couple more interesting than the fireworks and I said because they're fucking she's like no shit Really and we're watching we're watching the fireworks and then the fireworks stop and I'm like well, we can't go They're still fucking there. Let's wait it out. Let's wait it out. They're gonna.

They had a rob somebody They leave they gotta be like oh, yeah, so life just didn't happen and they're gonna leave But then they sit and then they start Smoking cigarettes and I see little plastic bags come out and meals being taken out of the bag. I'm like now. They're having a fucking picnic These are some weird gangsters They've had sex and other like let's have some salads. I think they'd be more upset than I saw the salad part So we're trying to wait them out and my friend I think maybe I got to her was my paranoia or she was feeling claustrophobic because she started going I can't stay up here I can't stay up here.

We have to leave like no, we can't leave we're gonna wait. We're gonna get killed We're gonna get killed I can't be up here. We're just look we're a man and woman. We're gonna think that we were fucking we're doing something We came in from the inside like this make any sense.

We're gonna go out the back to the skinny alley to go back to the front Use your fucking brain But she convinces me to go so we start going down the stairway and I'm like I don't know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna do but then it hits me the moment I hit I get my foot leaves the last step and it touches the gravel of the seat of The roof of the first floor. I'm in fucking character. I was like smooth Because I was unaware of anything I went with a we came from the inside story that we don't know what's going on So I just start sautering over with my friend towards this couple who turns out to be a straight middle-aged black couple and And they're sitting there smoking she cutting up some grilled chicken breast and the guy looks up at me with these wide eyes And I said excuse me you're blocking the entrance He looks at me and he's like okay Excuse me, uh, will you guys up there the whole time and I went huh? I'm sorry.

I'm so unaware and relax right now. My ears don't work I'm completely unaware of the context of this embarrassing situation So you have to repeat yourself because that's how it lacks But my friend was not in character and then she said in one full voice ruining it No, we gave him the inside by So then we walk past him and go down the stairs and I hear them giggling a little bit because they got caught But that's part of the fun of it I guess maybe we'll get caught and they did they got caught I helped them have a better independence day and I didn't realize why And I started thinking about how ridiculous it was that I thought they were gay thugs Because it was Boston in the summer and all the gay thugs had gone home. All right, that's it for me Thank you very much everybody Ben Bond everyone Our next storyteller is she's done our show in LA and we're thrilled to have her back You can find her at geneenbritow.com. Please welcome Janine Brito.

Hi Portland Hello everyone. Thank you for that warm welcome. So I I'm sure like many folks was a very weird and awkward child I was very obese because it's starting at age five. I I like getting big max not kids meals big max When I got home from school as a snack I would eat condensed milk with a spoon straight out of the canvas I'm not I'm not my baby's Less a child and more a sphere with thoughts and emotions.

That's really what I was and not even very complicated ones Mostly just like hell that was my mode of operation as as a young child So I was really fat and my parents worked long hours didn't have a lot of money So they didn't really put me into like after school activities or sports So not only did I have nothing to offset my terrible metabolism eating habits I that means I also spent all of my time With the woman that my parents entrusted me with she was a very sweet 60-something-year-old woman who was living with us because she was my great aunt and because she was a paranoid schizophrenic So that's who I got everything that's who I learned from was a paranoid schizophrenic She couldn't take care of herself, but my parents were like sure watch our child what could possibly go wrong there But she was very nice the only thing that really happened was she was very religious like the one thing that sticks on I had that really messed me up about her was like I used to get these nervous eye twitches And I finally told her about them and then she was like oh, that's the damn manifesting himself in your body Funny thing about telling a child that the stress twitch in their eyes Satan is that at least a more stress and more eye twitches just a vicious circle I still get them demonic possessions still my number one fear actually as an adult person who doesn't believe in that stuff anymore So needless to say that the twitchy fat girl was not very popular in school And the reason I was so stressed out was because my family was falling apart my parents eventually divorced And and my my mom actually started dating a new guy and when I was 10 years old I was like hey me and Richard getting really serious He asked us to move in with him in Scotland And so at 10 I was like oh great I have to leave Miami to someplace I've never been to and I didn't want to go not because I knew I knew nothing about Scotland I was a child and an American child at that so I knew nothing about other countries But the thing that I thought was like at least home in Miami I know why everyone in school hates me like I didn't want to go to a new place and have no idea why I was being shot I wanted to know at least what was going on so the week before the move I ran away from home And my mom found me an hour later just sobbing into a basket of curly fries It's like she read my runaway note was like I'll stick out all the burger joints within a five-mile radius Then we'll go to pizza then Chinese. Oh, we'll find her. She's my daughter. I know her So she found me and we moved and I had kind of a couple weeks to kind of be by myself in my comic books I'm a video games before I went to school we bought school supplies I got my little like English private school uniform with a tie which I was so excited about because spoiler alert I ended up being a big old dyke So excited about that tie you guys so pumped so pumped So I go to school the first day of school the headmaster headmaster my cloud brings me in and introducing me to everyone and The energy in the classroom is just everyone's really excited and smiling kind of nudging each other and waving at me And I thought oh, no, it's like any minute a bucket of pigs blood is gonna fall on me.

No, why are you smiling? This has never happened before who are you but then we're gonna recess and everyone is scrambling to talk to me I'm like, oh, you know, you've been to the beach in the hot to swim That's so cool And I like every like the kindergartners already knew what my name was and as the weeks went on I realized that I was the most popular kid in the entire school just because I was American I was popular despite myself Which is such a distant memory where American was a good thing overseas, but it was the case in the 90s And so it was wonderful. I had all these I had all the friends in the world I had I had to sleepovers and Sega Genesis parties and I was just like, yeah, this is the best I was feeling so great and Then that Christmas we went back home to Miami divis of the rest of my family And when we tried to get back into the country because at the time my mom wasn't married to my stepdad They wouldn't let us back in we were fused entry and we had no place to go And so as a last minute resort, we called my mom's parents my grandparents to see if we could live with them in Oakman, Alabama So we were getting ready to drive out from Miami And I wasn't nervous at the time because it my thinking was like oh, I was already popular once once you're in you're in that's how it works Clearly, this is gonna be fantastic for the rest of my life And plus they were from Alabama. I had been to Scotland.

So like that was gonna be my trump card this time So I get to school and I walk into the classroom and it's a completely different experience than in Scotland There's there's pointing and laughing. There's no smiling. There's no waving. Nobody talked to me as I took my seat and I just had this feeling of dread like oh, this is not good And then we went to lunch the only people that were talk that talked to me were clearly the outcasts of the class It was Amanda whose father was a preacher It was the girl who already had cystic acne at 11 the girl who was so big that her nickname was bear Those were the people that were talking to me that I was sitting with at lunch And finally halfway through April the most popular girl in school because she was blonde and had a perm Stood up and was like hey, yeah, I was like, yeah I was like, yeah, you think you're better than us because you've been places and you know things And I was like no, no, I know but it people weren't convinced.

It was very clear people were kind of looking at me giving me the stink I a little bit and I finished my lunch and as we're in line shuffling out To my right on the floor I see the uneaten corner of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich The corners of it kind of are glistening and for some reason in that moment. It was the most disgusting thing I'd ever seen and I just felt vomit just quickly shooting up my esophagus and in the last moment instead of vomiting away from myself I thought oh, let me catch it So that no one else has to worry about this I don't want to be a burden on these lovely lunch ladies who work long hours like that's how it was gonna work I was just gonna be a pellet. I was just gonna be like bit up there. We go all done I wasn't thinking straight so I vomit and ricocheted off my hands back on to me And I was just covered in vomit in front of the whole class and my teacher freaked out I was like go to the bathroom and wash yourself off So I scramble and I take off my your fleece Sweat shirts Which my sister had just given me and I tried to wash it off And I didn't want to throw it away because it was something my sister had given me and I was a big old nerd And you're of course the depressed donkey was my favorite cartoon character What such a surprise awkward Jeanine How is that possible so I tried to scrub it off and I wrapped it in as many paper towels as I could and I jammed it into my backpack and I sheepishly walked back to class and I sent my bag down and we're sitting in class and for the next three hours the entire Classroom reeks of vomit and everyone hates me including bear And every ten minutes a kid raises their hands and is like Mrs Thomas can we please open a window and she keeps refusing this fucking bitch will not open a window and is making me sit in my Embarrassment and shame and turning everyone against me and I go home And so I went from nine six to nine months of having all the friends in the world to a year and a half with no friends at all in the Middle of nowhere But I did leave after a year and a half.

So the bright spot is is that I left I'm now happily raging homosexual living in the Bay Area I get to turn my awkwardness into some kind of thing where people like me And those motherfuckers are still in Alabama, so I win I win Janine Brito All right, let me bring up our next storyteller a good friend of mine from New York City. Please welcome mr. Adam Newman Thanks, everyone. Thanks for having me your city is destroying me like I Wasn't gonna say I'm just I'm trying to every like I can't tell which way it's gonna come out I might I might if I run off stage.

I'll be right back. I'll be I'll come I'll finish it But your your city has wonderful food and I feel guilty because I've turned all of it into diarrhea and it's Sorry about that You all know what I'm talking about all right So I was in a gay porn and we get on board with that for the next 10 minutes And Here's a tip if you want to get booked on Kevin Allison's risk. You should be in a gay porn And this wasn't like a shitty gay porn. This was like this is like a good This was I think the biggest most expensive gay porn to date in 2006 when I did it It was a Michael Lucas film.

Does anybody know who that is Michael Lucas is like the Kevin knows who that is Michael Lucas is like the Michael Jordan of gay porn, all right Which I makes Michael Jordan the Michael Lucas of basketball, but I don't think he I'm sorry Portland He is the Clyde Drexler of gay porn is that better all right? And it was my first oh, I'm straight by the way, okay, that's a good place to put that, but I was so this was my I moved from Athens, Georgia to New York in 2006 to stand up comedy and this was my first acting gig And it's also that for what they gave me an IMDB credit for it And so it is also my first IMDB credit and I've had so I've had some sense But if you're not famous, you're just always on IMDB known as your first IMDB credit So if you search me on IMDB, I am known as adults film genre actor Adam Newman in Michael Lucas's Lidolce Vita and if Lidolce Vita sounds familiar to you That's because this was a porn remake of a very famous 1960 Fellini film called the Dolce Vita Which is about a journalist in search of the good life for the sweet life with Dolce Vita and the porn remake is basically the exact same Plot except the good life involves a lot more butt fucking Here's a here's the like the interesting back story of how I got to be in the gay porn I went to New York I met a girl who did PR for gay porn company and she was just like what are you doing next week? Do you want to be in this gay porn and I was like yeah end of back story. That's it I was into it No questions asked I just I was I was I was really interested in doing it.

I thought it'd be fun I thought I've always been really comfortable. I'm moving in with my girlfriend right now I've had my parents have caught me with playboys when I was a kid But for whatever reason they've just thought I was they've my parents have like recently sat me down and said if you're into boys We're 100% supportive I was very comfortable with it. It's sure to play. You know I'm a flailie at a feminist sometimes I guess that's why but now so I did that I agreed to be in the gay porn because I thought it'd be fun I thought I could learn stuff and it was presented to me like where you're getting a part in a plot scene You're gonna be the limo driver in the gay porn and that's a dream gig to act in a plot scene of a porn When I got told I was gonna be the limo driver.

I went home and wrote all my own lines for the part I you know like I was I came to set I was like I always lines get in the back Where do you want me to park it stuff like that? You know put it in his butt all right? Some of them are more straightforward than other ones gay forward gay forward straight forward gay forward. That's the joke You'll use it.

You'll use it But when I got when I got to the set they said we already filmed the limo driver scene You're now just gonna be a VIP bar patron in his bar scene and I was like I'm an extra I'm a I got I felt like I got tricked into being an extra and a gay porn and I should tell you that as a straight person A gay porn set is not a place you want to feel like you've been tricked But then they were like don't worry We're gonna make you featured and you can put this dollar in the stripper's pants And you'll be feet and they let me do it and then they end up cutting that scene tricked again. Oh well I did it but I don't know that Portland Feels so awful right now. I'm so happy to be here, and it's just it's I don't know I've peed like four times and I thought that was gonna solve it and it didn't This is all too much information for everybody Where was I? Yeah, if you were very nice on the porn set they were all really nice They were all it was all the other extras were other like a super effeminate gay guys big Michael Lucas fans And and me and they and they knew right away that I was straight Which was so cool for me because my parents thought I'm gay I'm not like a masculine guy, and then I walk in here, and they're all just like look at this fucking man Who likes pussy?

I felt like I was representing pussy loving men, and I never get to do that, and it felt good Pussy like that's the biggest thing you can do. I love pussy. I Improvise that you can't write that shit before you get up on stage We'll get a we'll get an animated GIF for the website of me doing that But they also taught me that's the thing like straight guys who have gay friends who they're close with we get to ask them all the weird Questions that like you know all we had to learn about gay stuff and I learned so much stuff. I learned I learned that I'm a twink I knew I learned that anyway know that is gay lingo.

Where am I where are my gays at? I've never got a yell at before are there any gay people here? I'm on a twink which I learned which is a young boyish looking not a lot of body hair full of cream is that part of it? That's what they told me that's what they told me I'm not a bear or a jock I know that much I learned I learned the phrase gay for pay I never heard that before a lot of the gay porn Stars aren't gay They do it for the money and which which I thought about and I was like that's a minute That blew me away when I first heard it because I was like that's a lot to go through if you're not into it Just for the money, but then I thought back on like every office job I've ever had and I would gladly get fucked in the ass and ever have to open Excel ever again.

I think that's that's true So next thing that happened was we went to the premier I mean that's that's an extra but I got invited to go to the premier the red carpet premiere of La Dolce Vita and They showed what they did is they showed an or rated version of the porn and What I learned was that an orated version of a gay porn means only the blowjobs. That's what it means I spent two hours in a movie theater Watching watching men blow each other sitting three seats away from the cowboy from the village people and At the after I know he was a cowboy from the village people cuz after after party my friend was like You want to meet one of the guys from the village people and I was like yeah Which one and then he's still wearing a cowboy hat still holding on to it He might not have been the cowboy from the village but he might have they might have switched later in life like costumes they wear I Just probably the cowboy from the village people And then I so yeah, that was the premier and then we went to they gave me a gift bag I got a gift bag with the with the actual porn that came with a cock ring I came with a lot more porn. It came with lubes. This is all been sitting under my bed for the last six years I am absolutely terrified that they're gonna bring that show room Raiders back.

We're like it's just been sitting in my under my bed I'm terrified at some point someone's gonna be in my room and just be like what is all this? I'm gonna be like you don't understand. I'm in it and that's not gonna be any better And I watched the I watched I very quickly forwarded through the gay porn because I wanted to see I wanted to see the scene that I was in And and and when I turned on the DVD There's there's all these extra there's bonus features on the gay porn and they were all very they were interesting They were like that I knew not to open fisting sequence like I know what that is right I don't I have an idea what that is but uh one of them was called water sports And I had no idea what that was and I was like well that sounds maybe they what is water sports Like maybe they played water polo after like they all got together and played or maybe like me Takes their sporting each other with squirt guns like I'll see what what spoiler alert it was a man peeing on another man in a bathtub That's what water sports was that scarred me for life, and uh Then so after we wrapped I took pictures with all the gay porn stars just to you know scrapbook or whatever I took pictures with them I don't know if you know this you take a picture with a gay porn star They will pull their dick out in the picture and you don't even have to ask them They're just I was like hey can I get a picture with you? They're like sure But like we're right out there and like he asked me he goes He goes do you want to hold it right and I was like that's that's too I thought I almost did but that's that was one step too far because I remember thinking at the time I was like if I hold his dick that's basically that's basically giving him a hand job And I know you're like well you're not doing any of this you're just holding it You're not but that's saying that's not a hand job is the same reasoning as saying you're inserting your penis into an asshole and going well Not thrusting so I'm not technically fucking him in the ass said to your graph was that inappropriate Kevin?

And when everybody knows what you do with pictures from your first acting gig right you send them to your mom And I said I sent the pictures of me and the gay porn stars with their dicks out to my mom Thinking like she's gonna be like oh these are really nice. They're nice dicks They're not like shitty dicks off the street their porn star dicks. These are nice dicks and my number one son I have a brother. I'm gonna put these I'm gonna put these on the fridge She's just like please don't send me any more of your stuff Any more of your stuff from your skits and so yeah You're supposed to walk away with something from these experiences and what I walked away with from this What like the way this will probably affect me forever is uh when I went back to Athens Georgia a few years later to do my homecoming show my first like stand-up headlining show where I was from Um, I did an interview with uh with the the University of Georgia newspaper the red and black I did like a 45 minute phone interview And I told the kid on the phone everything I'd done since I moved to New York All the you know just whatever whatever fun shows and comedy things I did And I mentioned the gay porn as like a funny thing I did when I first moved here And when I got into town when I got into Athens I went on to campus and I got one of the campus newspapers And the front page of the red and black Top article just said alumnus moves from gay porn to comedy So I will forever be googleable as that and in case you're wondering how much I got paid for being in the gay porn zero dollars Thanks everybody Adam Newman everyone All right.

All right. All right now we come to our last story of the evening I'm so thrilled to have her on she is so dear to us she's been on the podcast before but this is the first time We're having her on the live show officially So it's just a thrill because she is one of the finest people in comedy today Please welcome Ms. Maria Bamford Oh, that's very very kind. I never know.

How do you do the musical ones? This is for music. All right, so um, oh gosh, I get nervous by telling a story, but uh, it's okay I once asked when I was about 25 years old and I was bald and I was wearing a floral moo moo I'm playing a violin in my act and I asked uh email Phillips comedian who I admired greatly I said, Mr. Phillips.

How do you make it? How do you make it? and uh He said uh, well, you keep doing it and then you keep doing it some more and pretty soon more people have seen you and then Then eventually a lot of people have seen you and I was I was very disappointed to hear that uh at the time but now I realize it is deeply true and uh It is great comfort uh so anyways when I was uh about 10, 9, 10 years old I started uh having suicidal ideation and uh also having a lot of uh OCD the unwanted thoughts variety uh getting worried that I would uh I wouldn't be able to sleep at night because I was worried I was gonna rape and kill my family and uh it seems unlikely but not at the time and uh In order to uh give myself to not do that, of course, I would grip my fist at odd intervals because that's what you do and um It works and um So anyways, I developed some other things to kind of deal with that. I uh had sort of a you know of all american eating disorder for a number of years Uh, right and uh I'd occasionally do sort of and suicidal ideation is kind of like fantasy It's like when you think about being a prostitute in terms of like oh, you get to dress up and men take you for dinner Like that kind of suicidalness, you know like oh the stewardess won't give me the whole can Oh turbulence.

I want to live and um so uh I was uh, but at the same time, I said to her always teased me about going insane She would uh tie me to my bed and say if I got out that the men and white coats would come to get me And you know, I mean there's some there's uh mental illness my family my aunt uh has managed oppression and uh every 10 years They're social uh uh go in a blonde wig and a bathing suit looking for angels or uh Once she is I like mania because it's always in the realm of possibility It's like yeah, you should call the pope You should get on that and um Anyways, but uh, I don't was been sort of worried about that, you know whether I go off rails But I never felt like I had totally gone off the rails like I I felt like for some reason I feel clearly I probably had uh, but I you know what I was went to uh therapy for major tan and got a medication and You know what did all the things that you do? Um, I eventually went about 35 I got cognitive behavioral therapy for the OCD which had been and that was probably the reason I chose stand up Was because that I could be alone and be with people but the adrenaline causes it So I'd be so excited that I wouldn't think of killing and raping you all and uh And uh, I felt safe and uh, how are you feeling? anyways, um So uh, yeah, so I got the cognitive behavioral therapy and uh at the same time I uh got my dog blossom who was uh quick impersonation And uh, she's a delight and um elegant and um Uh, she was my cognitive behavioral partner because what I would do is I would stare at her They do a flooding thing where it's like you're worried about being dirty Like let's say you're afraid of uh getting, you know, filthy with a dirt or whatever So what they do is they stand you in a garbage, uh, dump, you know, and you have to sit there and feel all the feelings So my thing was that I was supposed to stare at someone I loved and think all the horrible things uh that I was thinking and see if they noticed and uh blossom, uh Never did she would actually move closer to me and then fall asleep and uh Anyway, she was uh, really my best friend and uh, yeah, I've turned uh, about this 39 and um, I think they're all going Well, well, swimmingly and one thing I don't always told my friends was like, hey if I ever start having a lot of great ideas And or terrible ideas and talking really fast. Could you wrap me in a blanket and put a little feedback on microwave popcorn raminik?

Take me lost at sea hospital because I'm lost at sea Uh, because then that's happened to other people in my family and my um, mom, uh, who had been on anti-seizure medication for 20 years Went off her anti-seizure medication if you know, uh, about bipolar. That's now currently a medication that uses is a seizure medication My mom went off of it and uh for reasons on onto me and she uh Went off the rails and uh, she started calling my manager, uh, 20 times a day saying that I was in grave danger and yes, that's true Uh, there's an element of real truth in that and um, so then uh, yes, start doing well in show business Everything's going great. I uh, but there's a lot more stress Uh, I bought a house all the champagne's dribbling too far too fast to my mouth and uh oh I need a spoon. Um and uh Yeah, my mom went off the rails and then I um, and then I started uh, I mean then I started noticing Hey, I think I'm thinking about death all the time like all the time I'm thinking about death and um, and then uh, What I did one day all excited in my extremely meaningful life of living in Los Angeles and doing voiceovers uh I uh, forgot to any of it doesn't think horrible like you've realized like oh my god I am not the person I wanted to be like, uh, oh my god I yell and I'm kind of mean to my kids and I'm not gonna stop doing that You know We're like, I'm addicted to methamphetamine and I saw you know or I left my baby in a hot car or oh my gosh I think I just hit my wife and it felt justified anyways, whatever it is here moment of clarity and um What uh what I did people may not think it's having a deal But I uh took a ramp for my house to the backyard I was lazy and I just my dog Bert likes to come in and and tip over the garbage can he was out there laying the sign And I had to get to a vo and um of the four voices that I do and um and uh Bert um so anyways He he was outside and blossom forgot about blossom that she would try to get outside Go down the ramp that I treated her down and she fell four feet to her death and uh, yeah I killed my best friend and uh Also, yeah It's good stuff and um But I uh and oh I forgot to say this that um because of addiction probably I'm in all the 12 step programs the cults and uh And I you know how they have to use they have to choose a higher power Well, I chose blossom and somebody had said hey, maybe you should have chosen something that would have a longer lifespan than you uh, but Oh, well, um so I killed my best friend also on some level killed god anyways At that point I started talking a lot faster and my uh friends uh to the hoo's gal and uh sent me in and uh, Yeah, so I spent a number of times in and out of the hospital like I uh this this past year Um, I actually wasn't did a gig and I was like I had to leave Chicago suddenly because suddenly I one thing They don't tell you about the meds is it's always uh when you're trying new ones with all is all the side effects So it's like do you want to be able to think or do you want to be able to talk?

Do you want to be able to write or do you want to be able to breathe like it's our very you know like these back and forth things and um So I was in Chicago and I like somehow I'd lost all my identification and was bleeding And I was like I can't what am I doing and I couldn't talk and so my mom and hysterics and I was like mom and she's like honey Go to Delta Get to the airport however you can go to delta tell them your gold medallion and tell them about your website and uh And I did and guess you got a first-class ticket back to Los Angeles because I'm white and rich. Okay. Anyways, but um It's uh horrible so um Anyways, but uh so I went in on the hoos gal and um I'm feeling better now But there's nothing really more humbling than walking around a cigarette bucket in a cement courtyard with a man with no pants and no teeth And you're feeling so down that he looks at you and says it gets better If I believe you but you're very sweet and somebody's gonna get an extra serving of Salisbury's fake tonight Um so It's been a rough year, but uh I didn't think I could I didn't think I could perform again I was really freaked out because like when you lose your mind and you have lost your mind if you were thinking of seriously killing yourself uh, it is uh Somehow I thought that was a rational idea. I was like no, it's I mean it's clearly a great plan and uh, yeah No, you've lost your mind But the great thing was is that I talked with some comics I know who had uh not those issues but other health issues and I eventually a friend of mine is a friend of Jonathan winters And um who's a comic?

Uh, you know everybody But uh he's so great and uh he's in his 90s now and he said I could give him a call and he's uh Has been bipolar and um that's why I am too. I'm bipolar two the gladiator sandal of uh mental illnesses. Thanks cat friends. I got John's and um But I talked to Jonathan winters and I asked him.

I was like oh my gosh mr. Winters I just and he's in his 90s and he's actually just changing medications again Which is oddly hopeful to me and uh, I was like, oh we're on your kid and he says uh, I said what what do I do? Because I just I just feel totally out of it. I don't feel like myself.

I'm worried that nothing's gonna be the same again I I'm just I'm just really uh, yeah I'm just a little bit frightened and um he said Well, you got a good shrink Yes, I do. I do have dr. Whittle. Okay Well, you just keep going And so it has come to pass.

Anyways, thanks so much. Thank you That's all for now folks. This is Kerry Brownstein and Fred Armisen with a song called Portland, Oregon You're my home find out about our next live shows in New York, los angeles and albany, New York at risk-show.com Slash tour don't forget our fantastic deal with adamany.com you just go there you get 50% off any item You get three free adult DVDs of your choice You just put in r i s k at the checkout free shipping free extra surprise. Holy shit Is that a great offer follow us on facebook and twitter at risk show uh go comment on us on iTunes You can find our all-star episodes in our shop at risk-show.com and learn all about our workshops our storytelling workshops That includes workshops for businesses that also includes one-on-one storytelling training that I do personally As well as our other faculty members over skype learn more about all of our teaching and training at the story studio Dot org folks today is the day take a risk.

Um, excuse me. Uh, will you guys up there the whole time? And I went huh