He's in our chair today, he's in our chair. Arm chair is, I love you so much. Guys, I think we've only done 10 live shows and three of them now are in Texas. We cannot.
Yeah. Yes. We love it down here. And we are always so, so flatter that you guys come up to see us here in Texas.
As you may or may not know, we were flirting with the idea of buying a contraption. Something very exciting. So this is a double whammy. Cause your favorite woodland creature, Monica Padma.
Oh, I want you. Guys, it's our first time. We're trying to, we might blow up using this thing. Well, I fill that.
That's good, that's good. No, I want to go to the red. I want to go to the red. Here we go.
He's already going over the lid. You did it. San Antonio arm chair, he's get the first one. There's two more hours and we'll have distributed these five shirts.
This is the whole show. This is. Is everyone okay? What a terrible idea.
I don't think the majestic is feeling good about this. We have a very old friend of mine. I believe my oldest friend from show business. Yes, not Aaron weekly.
I know everyone got excited. I'm my best friend here in weekly. I'm going to tell you what, this son of a bitch flew from Los Angeles today to come be here with you guys. Yes, yes.
He's handsome. He's talented. He's funny. You probably know him best as Lex Luthor on Smallville.
Michael Rosenbaum. Oh, right. All right, young man. I have hair.
That's right. You want to touch it so you know it's real? Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. No one said it wasn't real.
Oh, you don't think my hair is real real? I'm going to take my shirt off. You don't think my boobs are real? I'll show you right now.
You don't think my hair is real? You want to see my bank account? Yeah. Do you use for hymns on that nice night's night's night's night?
Oh, great, great, great. What'd you say? I'm right here. I can't hear.
Hymns for men. For hymns for hymns. Oh, yeah. An array of erectile dysfunction medication.
Which I love. Yeah. Why not? I think it's important.
I think you know, a lot of times when you're young, you know, it started when I was young. You remember when masturbating, it was frowned upon? Well, yeah. Well, everybody said, oh my god.
That guy probably masturbates. Now, every one of my friends walks around going, dude, did you jerk off last night? I'm like, well, yeah, I did. Yeah.
But I don't believe that saved generational thing as much as you just got older. You know what I'm saying? Which was my point that the erectile things, I think, it happens to every man. I've lost boners when I least expect it.
Right out the gates. This is our conversation. I'm sorry. I'm just a very honest individual.
I blame it on the t-shirt, Cannon. We should have never started with ballistics. That's wild. That guy backstage, by the way, was like, oh, please, no lawsuit, please, no lawsuit.
I swear to god, gentlemen in the third row, I owe you at least 20 bucks or something. Did you get him in the eye? Sir, do we get your eye? Can I get him?
Where's my face? He docked and hit the woman in the head behind me. So you were chivalrous and you let the gal behind you take him? Look, you got to look out for number one.
No one else is going to do it for you. Michael Rosenbaum, have you spent any time in Texas, Michigan? I went to an adult summer camp. You did?
I did about two years ago. They were like, why is this guy who's 46 years old doing a summer camp? I just never went to as a child. I have a thing called Arrested Development.
It was a good time. So I was here before. It was in Texas. We have some Texas.
What part of Texas? San Antonio? I guess. Yeah, I was just outside.
I don't remember the town. What are you talking about? I don't remember the exact name of the town I was in. What kind of other folks were at the adult camp?
Some couples, some, I was the oldest person there. OK. By all, how much older? Not them, like 15 years.
OK. And what kind of activities happened at the camp? Well, we had what's called Color Wars. Color Wars?
Yeah, you guys know Color Wars? You have different colors. And throughout the weekend, at the end, you had this big activity, all these races, like the archery, and then someone tags someone, and they go down the slip and slide and play flip cup. Oh, wow.
And there's drinking involved? There was some drinking involved. Did you guys go up with other campers, because you're adults? You hooked up.
You just went back. You were like, oh my god. Well, this is my, I've gone four times. Oh my god.
I know it's sad. It's sad, but it's actually really fun. So I've been to different states. They had one in Los Angeles, San Antonio.
So I went to San Antonio. Do you remember either of the other two states? What's that? The other two states.
Do you remember those? Yeah. OK. Nashville.
That's a great state. I love it. Tennessee, come on. Help me out here.
I'm nervous. I've got to be so nervous. Yeah. Yeah.
Scary. I hope this guy right here laughs tonight. You can't use a concussion from that fucking T-shirt. Give him a break.
Just no one let him fall asleep. That's the most important thing. By the way, if you had a concussion, because I had a pretty severe one. And of course, they tell you not to fall asleep, and you get neurotic, like, for how long, you know?
When are you allowed to sleep? Yes. Do you know my concussion story? Your concussion story?
Yeah. I'd like to hear it. I know what other stories like when you down on my Xanax, when we were, oh, so what's fun is Rosenbaum's one of the few friends I still have that I did drugs with, so he, yeah. I had to make an amends to him for, well, you invited me over one evening.
We were powdering our nose. Couple gentlemen. Yes. And by the way, okay, you love saying this.
You never do drugs. You don't do drugs. Well, I don't do drugs anymore. There was a time in my life where I powdered my nose.
Okay. All right. I took some pills. I might have had some perclivities.
Right. I don't know why he shouldn't be pointing at me. He should not be pointing at me. I'm not one of his perclivities.
No, she taught me that word today. I really hadn't heard it too many times. But tell me your concussion story. Okay.
I had been in a motorcycle accident and I ripped the tenons in my clavicle and so I couldn't use my right arm. But my buddy's invited me wakeboarding and I said, well, I can't because of my arm. They said, you can totally do it one hand and no problem. So I went and I crashed.
I was wakeboarding one handed and I was with my buddy Dean. So we're on his boat and I had just met his buddy that day, you know, this is Gary, whatever. So I'm wakeboarding, I crash. I come in the boat.
He's like, that was pretty bad crash. I feel like I just feel like I got punched in the face, right. So I'm like, but I'm fine. So Dean opts and he starts wakeboarding.
Gary's buddy starts driving. In like 12 minutes later, I'm like, what lake am I on? Like, I live in Los Angeles. There's no lakes.
What is going on? And I'm with a strange middle-aged guy. And I go, who are you? And he's like, who the fuck are you?
And he got scared. And so he slows the boat down. Luckily, Dean comes up, you know, he paddles up and I'm like, who is this guy? How am I in Michigan?
And so he starts really, oh, this is really bad. So he takes me back to his house where my mother is, thank goodness. And she takes me to the hospital, but on the way to the hospital. This is the last good cry I have, like a for real sobbing can't catch your breath cry.
I'm in the backseat and my girlfriend breathes up front and my mom's driving. And I go, hey, why am I Michigan? And my mom goes, oh, you're here for my birthday. And I go, oh, why can't I remember that?
She goes, oh, you were in a wakeboard accident. I think you have a concussion. And I go, OK. So it's like that episode of Gilligan's Island where you get hit in the head with a coconut.
I just need to get hit in the head with a coconut again. And she doesn't laugh. Neither of them do. And I go, I'm thinking, that's kind of funny, especially for a guy who's clearly got a brain injury to have a sense of humor about it.
And not even a courtesy chuckle. And I go, have I said that before? And my mom goes about 20 times, honey. And all of a sudden I realize, like, oh, this is for real.
I broke my brain. And I go, I'm so glad that the two people care about me the most are thinking again. I was like fully crying. And then I go, why am I in Michigan?
That's terrifying. It's terrifying. We went and got a CAT scan and everything. And then eventually the brain unswelled and it had been like a 14-hour ordeal.
And what look did you fuckers just share? Oh, no. Well, that I hijacked your interview. You'll talk.
We're waiting. We're waiting. You know how this show works. I love this story.
I'm a captain. I forgot about the concussion guy. I'm enjoying it immensely. Oh, there's one of the really fun part about that story.
So when we checked into the hospital, when we checked into the hospital, the woman, the administrator said, where do you work? And in my mind, I'm unemployed because my memory basically was gone for about three years. And so my mom goes, he works at MTV. And I go, I work at MTV.
And she goes, yeah, you have a show called Punct. And I turn to brain and I go, I have a fucking show on MTV called Punct. And then I go, well, wait, what about UCLA? And my mom goes, you graduated.
And I go, I graduated, you see. And then I go, what about the groundlings? And she goes, you're in the Sunday company. I got the three best pieces of news I had in 10 years in 12 seconds.
And I was just like, I couldn't be relived it. I was like, I woke up in someone else's life. That's fantastic. I've never heard a concussion spun like that.
I'm actually going, God, I want one. Yes, right. I want to enjoy things again. Well, you fucking load up that cannon, buddy.
Okay, we're going. Let's get concussion. I had a concussion hockey. I got knocked out.
I crossed at me from behind and I woke up. I was like, I don't think he's with us. I don't think he's with us. I remember that.
But my parents wouldn't let me sleep. Like you said. No, that was the only concussion. But that five major back surgeries.
That's what I wanted to get. You know, addicted to a lot of opiates. But not anymore. Not anymore.
But you've had many, many, too many, I would argue back surgery. Sure. Yeah. And one of these back surgeries, they put a considerable amount of hardware back there.
Bolt's nuts, some kind of scaffolding, right? Oh, yeah. And then you were like, like a month later, right? You're like, something's not like right.
And I went to the doctor and he goes, this is what happened. He looks at my MRI. He goes, no, Michael. We did another MRI here.
And you look absolutely normal. The fusion is really fused. Everything's perfect. And I let a month go by.
Pure agony. And I went back to the same doctor, but he was on vacation. So the other doctor looked at them at the MRI. He goes, well, let me look again.
Oh, yeah, here it is. The device broke. Like exploded like a gray. He missed it.
The other doctor missed that I had broken device inside of me. All the screws were snapped. Oh, yeah. I had broken screw.
I'm like Robocop at the end of time. I had some mess in there. Yeah. They went through my neck.
And they told me there was a slight chance I'd go impotent, but that didn't happen. But they go through my neck and they put an artificial disc in there. And he's like, yeah, you're going to be swimming in there and working out and playing hockey in a month. And it's three months.
And I feel like I have electricity to run it down my right arm. I can't actually feel it. But I think they go. They talked to someone behind you on the airplane today.
And then that was a wrap. You're like, I'm done turning my head to the eye. Oh, yeah. You're private jet.
No, don't you dare. No, no, no. That wasn't his private jet. That's not true.
You motherfucker. It really wasn't your private jet. Business partners of mine who are very generous and kind. But what?
This is the hardest thing Dax has ever had to say out loud. In front of Alice. Let me ask you this. What would be so bad if I said we were on your jet?
I know you're a very modest person. But if I said to that guy with the concussion, I said, hey, pal, remember your private jet? Wouldn't you be like, hell yeah, man. You're on my private jet.
You get upset by that, though. That makes me uncomfortable. What is that? Why?
Well, I just class warfare things. I grew up broke. And then the rich folks in town, I felt we're looking down at me and my gross family. Who hung out with you when you were broke?
My bro, Michael Rosenbaum. That's right. When Michael and I became friends. When Michael and I became friends, we ran into each other at some kind of event.
And you're the first famous person that knew who I was. I'll never forget it. It was really, really exciting. Because you had the shaved head that was no mistake, and God damn Lex Luthor was at this party.
And then you came over and you launched right into that. You had caught the program. I was like, you're hilarious, man. You're improv skills are just off the charts.
I'm really impressed by it. I'd love to take you out. It wasn't exactly like that. And by God, we hung out.
We started hanging out. I didn't know what I was getting into because back in your day and you're now a dad and a great husband and all these things. Well, you've got your shit. You've got a plane owner.
A private plane owner. What you've got? You want a D-shirt cannon? But you got your shit together.
When I saw you, it was like, you were dangerous. You were the kind of guy that if somebody said something, you wear somebody cut me off. I'd go, dude, you want to pull over? I go, no.
But dad should be like, hell yeah, we'll pull over. And I was like, oh my God. You were just like a tough guy. And I went to your apartment.
And it was, I never wanted to go back again. I never wanted to go back again. But here's why, because he told me the story. Well, it's a dark story.
I lived in an apartment building. We had an alley behind it. And the apartment next door had a gang called the Santa Monica Traysay. Gang in Santa Monica.
And I saw them for years in the alley. And I kind of knew some of their names. And I was always nice to them. Then one Sunday night, I was drinking by myself.
Brie was in Michigan working. And I had run through, you know, 30 beers or something by myself. And I needed a pack of smokes. So I walked up to the Chevron gas station.
And I'm walking away. I bought a pack of cigarettes. And I hear, hey, you got some money? And I go, no, no, no.
I don't have any money. And he goes, when you give me them fucking cigarettes. And I'll leave some of the words I used out. Can I say what I think you said?
Okay. You go, look, dude, you're messing with the wrong white boy. I'm just, where I would have been like, take them cigarettes. You're my shirt.
Take it all. You were like, you're messing with the wrong guy. You know, pretty much. Yeah.
And then a very bad fight ensued. And then it ended, you know, in the street in Santa Monica Boulevard. It was three in the morning. He went to go pull a gun.
I ended up on top of him. I was desperately hoping I could knock this guy out. And in the middle of all this, I started realizing, wow, this is what killing someone's like. It's just us two.
And I want him to be unconscious so he doesn't get his gun. And I stopped myself luckily. And then I got up and I walked away. It was one of their interactions.
By the way, when I went to my apartment, I thought I was really ahead of him. And I turned and looked back right as I was going up my stairwell. And he was looking at me. And I went up my stairwell, went into the apartment, called Brie immediately.
So she, I knew she was up in Detroit. And I was like, oh my God, one of those gang bangers tried to mug me. And I'm really bloody. And blah, blah.
And as I'm saying this, a fucking cinder block comes through the window of my apartment. And I hear all the footsteps from the guys. All running towards the apartment. I hang up on her.
I deadlock the door. I have a shotgun. I'm on with 911. 911, what's your mind?
All they hear is me going. I will kill you. I will kill you. They just, they think like maybe a murderer called to telling themselves.
I am killing people. I am killing all the people. And this is why I never wanted to go back to his apartment, folks. You understand that?
So they were trying to kick in the door. I'm screaming. I have a shotgun. The cops will think goodness arrived very quickly.
They broke the whole thing up. They took photographs. You saw the photographs. And then you said, let's go to my house.
It was pretty. It was pretty. Let's go to my mansion. It was pretty much the guy's nose was over here.
Oh. And Dax just stood up like this with his hand. I was broken. He had a broken hand.
Yeah. That's always just so lucky to have him. To have him alive. I regret that story.
He's a good guy to have in your corner. I don't know. I don't know. But anyway, so I'm glad a very nice home.
He was gamefully employed. You know I don't like when you talk about my money. It's about 4,000 square feet. Very nicely pointed.
It looks big. This is a nice house, guys. One night we went out. You didn't realize yet that I had a problem.
So we were partying. We were powder in our nose. And then you decided to go to sleep. It was about three in the morning.
I think it was a normal time for a human being to call it a night. So I said, hey, Dax, I'm going to go to bed. And I went to bed. And you said you were going to do the same.
And then I woke up and I had an empty bottle of Xanax and you were gone. And you said the next day, oh, what happened? You leave early that morning? No, I partying until about four in the afternoon.
I ended up somewhere. I think this is why you quit. You need to quit. You have to go to sleep.
You don't. You keep going. That's right. That's the big, big difference.
Now, before you were rich and had that mansion, you're from a small town in India. You're a Hoosier at heart. I'm a Hoosier. I'm a Hoosier.
Yeah. Westerners. Less. Oh, because that one's for me.
That's right. What were the dogs? Yeah, UGA. Dogs.
There's a lot of dogs in here. It does sound like go drugs. Dogs go drugs. For sure I thought it was drugs.
Yeah. But you're from a small town in Indiana? Yeah, I grew up in a small town in Newburg, Indiana. I was like 2,000 people.
I think Evansville, which is about eight minutes away, was ranked number one in obesity. And I think it was the most depressed city like five years ago. But I love going back. I love it.
They manufacture the largest coffins against the obesity. But I really love going back. It's normalcy. For me, it's going back and playing wiffleball and hanging with the guys.
I get caught up sometimes. I'm like, it's too much for me. And it's an escape. You go back to my roots.
Yeah. I have to imagine you are. There was 2,000 people. There was probably 1,500 other Jewish folks.
In Indiana. There was just one down the street. Jennifer Berg. You had an ally?
Yeah, she was down there. What does that mean? She was down there. Yeah.
Where was she? Now, was that a thing growing up? What? Being Jewish and fucking Indiana.
Yeah. Right. Did people care? You know what?
They didn't even know. I think it was the reason I didn't make the baseball team because I was a Jew. I think it was. But I'm not going to say it out loud.
They didn't want to see it. But I wasn't really religious. But I remember this one guy who was my friend who came up to me. His last name was Pete.
He was like, he goes, Rosenbaum. I was like, yeah. He says something about, I don't Jew him, man. Or something.
I go, I'm a Jew. He goes, you're not a Jew. You're not a Jew. I go, no, man.
I'm a Jew. He goes, you're not a Jew. He started getting upset with me. It's Rosenbaum.
He goes, hey. You're not a Jew. You're not a Jew. Stop it.
And it was just the most uncomfortable game I'm not a Jew. It was weird. But most people were cool. They didn't like, you know, if they talked about me behind my back, then that was better.
Well, I don't even think it occurred to me until I was much older that there were some giveaway names. I've got to make a new in high school. I've got to make a new in high school. They were Jews.
I just don't know what I'm saying. They were Jews. Everywhere. Everywhere.
Now, yeah, I don't think I realize that there were some names that were a giveaway. Like in high school, I wouldn't have maybe known that Rosenbaum was a clue. Yeah. Well, my dad always says, yeah, I'm happy once.
I really, this is true. It's what's your name? It's Rosenbaum. Your name is Rosenbaum.
Oh, yeah. Dad, do you have a concussion? And he goes, your name is Rosenbaum. You are Michael Rosenbaum.
I'm so angry with me. I was like, I don't want to, can you imagine asking me my name? What's your name, bud? It's Michael Rosenbaum.
It's too long. So it's Rosenbaum. Yeah. It's Rosenbaum.
Yeah. But did you think he felt like you were turning your back on your identity? Like hiding the Jew. Yeah.
Like you were ashamed of being a chosen person. No, he just thought I was an idiot. And mom and dad, what age were you when they got divorced? They were married for 27 years and the mom was in her second marriage, that my dad was her second marriage.
But I think I was, I had just moved out to California, got my first job on a Tom Arnold show, which was ranked 133 out of 133 shows. It was the worst show. I think in the history of Tom. But I got to work with that man.
He had a Rolls Royce and I had a Volkswagen bus and every morning he'd go, Indiana, how are you? And we would do the whole Johnny Carson. And it was so cold this morning. I saw Robin putting his worm in the microwave.
He was like, ah, yes, sir. And the guy, I saw Robin putting their worm in the microwave. I was so spellbound by the impersonation, I didn't hear the words. There's a great joke even within that impersonation.
I don't really do that impression. It's good. Well, thanks, Dan. Yeah.
You're going to find out that Rosenbaum can do almost anybody. That's not true. Yeah. It's real true.
I do some impressions, but I'm not. Let's get right into one. So, I mean, we could take the long walk there. But let's just say that you're friends with Rob Schneider, at least you're acquaintances with him.
Well, I know who he is. You've seen him in a movie. Okay. All right.
Rob Schneider did a movie with Sylvester Stallone called Judge Dred. Yeah. That's right. I'm in the movie.
Rob told the story to me. And Schneider tells the story goes, day one, Stallone comes up to me goes, you're up. That's what I did. Look at the end.
I'm going to look at you. I'm going to say, who am I? Are you going to look at me? Are you going to say, you are the law?
Perhaps I was like, ah, no, no. It's a good line, Rob. Listen. I'm going to say, who are you?
You're going to look at me. You're going to say, you are the law. It's a good line. So Rob immediately goes to the director goes, hey, dude, Sly's coming at me day one.
Say I have to say the shitty line. Like you are the law. I'm like, what the fuck is it? Rob, Rob, Rob.
Today's day one. I was filming that for like months. Sly will absolutely forget it. Don't worry about it.
It's over. Three months, four months later down the road, he's got him pinned up and goes, who am I? He's like, what? Say the line, Rob.
I don't say the line, Rob. You're the line. I'm the law. Say the fucking line, Rob.
You know, Sly, I don't know if I want to say the fucking line. You're the law. There it is. It's a good line, Rob.
It's a good line. By the way, we talked about this, but when you meet your heroes and they're really cool. You met Stallone. I was starstruck.
And he was fun watching him on set because he couldn't get it. I was in Guardians of Galaxy 2. And he, yeah. Yeah.
I was the guy that James Gunn's one of my best friends. And I said, you gotta finally do a big movie with him. And he put CGI all over my face. I went into the movie solely to see Rosenbaum.
And I knew he was in a scene with Sly. So I'm like, okay, there's Stallone. There's Rocky. And Rosenbaum's God.
Where the fuck is that? I'm the guy, the big glass guy. Made out of glass and diamonds. I've got a couple of lines.
I mean, you are, you're a. Extra. No. I was going to say you're a Dr.
Seuss character in it. You're like one of the. Yeah. Well, anyway, so the wrong ones.
I'm watching him work. You're watching your hero work. And he's up there and he's trying to get these lines. And he's got a lot of lines.
He's like, let me tell you. Ravinger's don't do it. What's the line? Is it Ravinger?
No, Sly. It's Ravager. The director. He says Ravager.
No Ravager. No Ravager. No Ravager. No Ravager.
No. We're going to lose this anyway. Okay. We'll do it over in post production.
I don't even know who wrote this. I did. All right. Look, I'll say the line, but I'm not going to get him out.
And he just kept fucking it up. And he picked care. I remember one thing where I was with him. And he was just sitting there.
And I was like, the only scene where I have like a line or two. And I'm focusing. I got to just fucking deliver. I got to deliver the line.
And Sly's looking up at the ceiling and goes, you know, you think when like, you know, we're in the future in space, like they would have found a cure for rust. And I'm like, Sly, will you shut the fuck up? I got one line. And he goes, all right.
All right. All right. Sorry about this. But also, you know, when you do something CGI like that, they put dots all over your face so they can track all your faces.
So when he first saw you, you introduce yourself to him. You've got dots all over your face. He goes, who are you supposed to be pippy log stocking? Hey, look at this guy.
The dots on his face. They're going to do something. That looks terrible. Yeah.
They're going to CGI him. I feel good. They should CGI him face. Yeah.
You say the fucking line. Well, the joke was on Rob because that line was in the trailer. I saw that movie based on that. You were the law.
You were the law. Yeah. Stay tuned for more live show after this exciting commercial break. Hi.
Sorry. We'll go about impressions. Thank you. Yeah.
Well, too, now we'll just continue to talk the whole time. But yeah. First of all. So pretty in real life, right, guys?
Yeah. The show's so interactive. I heard, I heard, I heard cool slacks. Oh, thank you.
And proclivities. One thing I like about your impressions. You don't stare directly into people's eyes and do them until they have to look away. It makes them uncomfortable.