People are so weirded out about seeing my dick. You also see my butthole, if you look closely. You loop him in with Joaquin Phoenix and go, hey guys, it's Adam. Real curious, did we run a train on someone last night?
I didn't do that shit on purpose. Did this bitch not do that on purpose? And you're like, this is politics. I'm Burk Rysher and I understand politics.
He's sitting with a bunch of bitches. People are like, I must be political. 100%. Hey guys, brand new episode of Two Bears, One Cave.
And Tom Severa is back in the clinic. He's getting his levels tested. He tested positive for steroids. Is that his issue right now?
Because he's on steroids, yeah. You showed me that thing. He looks sick. He does not look good.
What are you doing? Luckily, I have Adam Devine, the fucking legend, showing me his mix. This is, I call this the go-go. And this is a little pick-me-up.
You've got to cut the sugar-free Red Bull. It's too much. I'm getting older. And I feel like, we're getting older.
You're legit old. Look at all that gray in your beard. It wasn't always gray. And now when I look pictures of me without a gray beard, it looks like I dyed it.
Because it just all showed up right here. Wait, so I do this with Diet Coke sometimes. Diet Coke is too much for you? It is perfect.
It is perfect. This is what I did. I was just telling you this. I was the king of Mardi Gras.
Of Bacchus. I was like the king. I had a full-on crown and gown and the whole thing. And other kings were there.
I broke down with Anthony Mackie. And there was just a sea of people. Anthony Mackie, the guy that plays the hawk. The hawk guy?
Yeah, he's hot. No, hawk. He's like the hawk. Yeah, is that right?
Yeah, right? Yeah, he's hot. Remind me to tell you my great Anthony Mackie joke I told. But keep going.
Keep going. Yeah, and essentially, if you want to do it, I bet we can make that happen. Because now I'm on the dais that gets to help people. Shut up.
Who else is on this dais? Did you get hooked up? Did Danny try to do it? No, Danny never did it.
No, John Goodman put in a word for me. Because he's super plugged in. Yeah. Can you think of how crazy your list of celebrity friends is?
Yeah, it's weird. It's weird that I could call these people. Now, whether John will answer, that's debatable. But I'll throw my name in the hat for this thing.
So when did you show up down in New Orleans? And did you drink on the flight down? Drank on the flight down. Did you go private with your dad?
Didn't go private. Well, they were in Missouri. They live in Lake of the Ozarks. Okay.
So they met us there. And your wife? We brought the wife. We brought like 10 friends.
There was like 25 of us. We were like a motley crew. Every fucking morning. You do the pooches?
I do the little under eye thing. I do those. I put caffeine serum on first. And then the pows.
And then they go away. I didn't know the caffeine serum trick. Yeah, they got caffeine serum. I got, yeah.
And so, but I go, you look still so fucking perfectly young. Do you ever see like when you get ready to go to set? And you stay down, you ever look at yourself and go, oh, I look like shit. Dude, like every photo from me from the Mardi Gras weekend.
I'm like, I went to a children's hospital. Which I do. Yeah, you were a children's hospital kid. Yeah, I was a children's hospital kid.
And so like we went there and I was like kissing babies and stuff. But then I look like a hot piece of garbage. I'm just like, oh, I'm vomiting a bag. It's got to be cool for those kids to see you.
And then you share your story and go, oh, I was hit by a cement truck. Yeah, and then it's a lot of me going, so what happened to you? Oh, you bitch. You were hit by a regular car?
I was hit by a fucking cement truck. I was hit by a cement truck, pussy. I still can't breakdance. Yeah, so it was nuts.
So what was the, like, did you have that moment that like, it's like a celebrity moment you see where people are, you're standing on the balcony and then Aaron Rodgers on the balcony across the street and you're like, throw a football. Yeah, it was like a lot of, like, dude, I mean, maybe I shouldn't say this because you know, it's supposed to be like a good king, but it's Mardi Gras. But like, I posted the king and then gave a speech. Don't really remember giving that speech that well.
Like, when you met the mayor last night, you gave that nice toast. I was like, was it nice? Was it a nice toast? Was it a good toast?
These vaccines, the cross-arctomy deaths, the marhaled, Pfizer, Pfizer, I support men making choices over women's bodies. It all came out. All my deep-seated hatred, can't lose that. No, it was a blast though, man.
And then the absolute perfect band played for me, which was we rolled into the convention center and there's 10,000 people waiting. And then we roll in, you know, I'm throwing beads out. That's right, because the convention center is where it all starts. That's where it all ends.
Do you get on the float at the convention center? We get on the float right there. And then it starts and it weasels its way through the city and then it goes to the convention center. And that's where, like, all the people that, like, basically paid for the floats.
So there's, like, 10,000 people there. Not a movie investor. Oh, yeah. A lot of guys who invest in a fucking movie.
Like, workaholics. Like the workaholics movie. Huh? We're talking about that, Paramount.
You gotta screw the fucking boots on that. You want to make your king happy? But, dude, I'm like, I'm all fucked up. My fingers are all cut from, like, throwing beads.
And then my voice is, like, half cocked right now. So what was the regimen of drinking? Were you day drinking? Early morning drinking?
There was no, I wish I went in with a more solid of a plan. Because it was just, like, I didn't, I drink coffee and caffeine all day long. Like, I'm a real addict, dude. Oh, really?
Yeah, I'm like, I love caffeine. I have to play with it. If I drink too much, I start getting shaky. Oh, I can write it all.
I can, like, drink a red bull and go to bed. Are you the best person that can have cappuccino at the end of dinner? Absolutely. Okay.
So I didn't have even one cup of coffee. Because I just started with a glass of vodka. Oh, my God. So.
It sounds like summer camp today. It was fun. I thought of you. I was like, the next day, like, literally, that was Sunday night.
And then we came home last night. I got home at midnight last night. So I was thinking, like, oh, I got to do the podcast with Bert. And I was like, oh, Bert, what?
I was like, I'll pour your cocktail right now to ride the boat. You know, that's how it works. Yep, steer the ship. Do you ever think this was going to happen to you?
I mean, yeah. That's why I haven't got here. Yeah, it was, like, the whole point of me moving across the country to be here. People ask me that.
It's like, I mean, didn't you? No, no, I never thought. I knew that I'd be a comedian. But the business was different when I started.
I knew I'd be a comedian. And I knew I'd live in New York. And I knew I'd do stand-up. I just didn't know how you make money at it.
I wasn't sure about that. And I definitely, and then when I got my first deal, I definitely thought, I don't know. Like, you remember seeing the first girl with tits and being like, I'd love to play with those. But then you didn't that summer.
And then you're like, I guess I'll never get to see how to do that. Well, the next summer. Yeah, 12 summers in a row. And then finally, when you get to it, you're like, I guess this was going to happen.
It was worth it. It was worth the wait. Yeah, no, I remember like the first time I had sex. And then like my girlfriend, we had sex again like the next night.
And I'm like, so you're going to allow this to happen all the time now? Now that the seal has been broken, it can happen all the time? When that was a big moment in my life. I remember hearing about people having sex.
You whispering, dude. Ninth grade, ninth grade. There was like one couple and they were having sex. I'm not going to say their names.
I bet I can say them and no one would know. Yeah, and they would like go to the golf course. Is there a gay couple in ninth grade? You guys are super progressive.
My friend group was very progressive. And then we would fuck right in the ass over the benches. Yeah, at baseball practice. Yeah, baseball practice.
No, I didn't know. I don't think I still have a gay couple friend. You should get one. Do I have one?
Just to have it in your bag, yeah. Oh, I have a gay couple friend. Oh, yeah, definitely. Well, you know, sometimes I always go to the negative on me.
Like, I always go to the negative first. I never want to be the guy that goes, like, oh, I'm really super, super good. You know, like I always go bad for me and work my way out of the bad. Yeah, no, I would have sex on the golf course.
And I remember I was dating a girl named Allison. And she did not want to have sex. And you had to respect that. I mean, obviously.
You have to. Legally, yeah, for sure. I'm always one of the way the guy's adult. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They might be going to jail. Yeah, yeah. And so I did it. And I was like, can you imagine having sex?
I didn't have sex again. I didn't have sex, like, until two years after that. And then I had it. I only had it twice.
And I fucked up both of them so bad. And I was like, I don't know if I want to have sex with anyone. I don't think I'm good at it. I used to get depressed.
And that's why you're a good guy, Bert. You know? No. I lost my virginity immediately following the Blink-182 concert when I was, like, 16 years old.
And to set the mood, we were back at, like, the hotel. I played more Blink-182 and played Cute Up the Song, not realizing how, like, fucking stupid and ironic it would be. I played all the small things. I played all the small things when I'm losing my virginity for the first time.
Like, super. First time, like, a girl's, like, really been. It melts my penis. And then, yeah.
So I'm doing it. I don't know why I'm humpy. But I'm happy. Exactly.
Yeah. And you might have to pay for it now. But we're having sex. And I realized that.
And I go, more like all the medium-sized things, right? And she goes, what? I'm like, more like the medium-sized things. And she didn't get it.
And then I was done. How long did you last your first time? Didn't make it through the one and a half minute long song. There was still a lot left over.
There was, like, the whole second and third chorus. You guys just laid there in bed listening to the rest of the song? Good track. Good track.
We just were at the concert. Oh, that's so fucking funny. Do you still know that girl? I do.
I actually told that story. Do you remember the goddamn comedy jam on Comedy Central? So I told that story there. And it said her full name.
Her full name. It just came out of me. Didn't even think. Didn't even think.
Well, that's because the story's always better when the real names are attached. Exactly. It always are. Yes, because it makes it real.
And she is now a vice principal of a school. And she's like, she calls me. And I haven't heard from her in years. So I'm like, hey, what's up?
Good to hear from you. Not thinking. And then she was like, you asshole. What are you doing?
Like these kids. And I'm like, okay. Fair enough. I got one better than that.
I wrote a book. It's called Life of the Party. You can find it on Amazon, I think. And I used everyone's real names.
Did not think at all. I mean, if you read this book with my Facebook open next to it, you can see what everyone looks like. It's the dumbest fucking thing I ever did. And I didn't realize.
Did you lose friends from it? I got a direct message from a girl. And she said, hey, my son read your book. I heard I get a shout out.
And I immediately panicked. My memories of her aren't like, you know. Yeah. We called her Sloppy Lisa.
Something to that effect. And I was like, ha ha, yeah. All in good fun. And she goes, are you fucking kidding me?
You basically call me a whore. And I was like, but the best is I have a buddy. I have a buddy. I won't say his name, but he's been in and out of rehab.
Legit drug problems. I don't know the right way to say this. It's going to come out wrong. But his brother passes.
And we go down to a dude with his family. And my buddy's not doing well. Because he's been in and out of rehab. And his brother just passed.
And he's not doing well. We can all tell. And we're with a bunch of one of our friends. And he goes, he's just very casually like, oh, hey, man.
Congrats on that book. I heard you wrote a book. I was like, does it do well? I said, no, I got a fucking message from, what's her name?
And he goes, yeah, what did she say? I was like, I guess I called her a whore. Everyone knows my shit. 16 years old, I was 17 when I lost my virginity.
What do you think the right age to lose your virginity is? Probably, I mean, yeah, right around them. Yeah. Too early.
And I have a friend who lost his at nine. In a gangbang. Okay. Yeah.
It's always crazy when you hear other people's stories about sexuality. Some people, based on where you grew up, it was younger. All her fucking friends and family, they're all young. Really?
Yeah, they grew up in the sticks and doors. There was nothing to do, but fuck, fat, and race. Yeah. Well, I mean, I had some friends that were like 14.
And I remember, they're like my good friends. And so we were all hanging out. And they would have sex in a corner. The second genesis, because you were too young.
Yeah. Do you remember hearing stories of people going, yeah, me and my buddies used to jerk off together. And you're like, cool. Okay.
I'm not sure I could have been friends with you. Come on, Bert. You'll love it. The party group.
Someone just told me a story about, do you remember you pull up a pillow and you and your friends would jerk off together? I think it was Mark Norman. Or was it Sam Burrell? Someone just told me that.
And I was like, oh, cool. I was never getting this. I didn't fucking say that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It wasn't me. Isn't it crazy? No, Santino, I know it was. Are you the age group where you really do understand, like, you still look like you're fucking 25.
And, yeah, so she gets it. And then I'm sort of like, I just always defer to her. I try not to be an old man. Like, I try not to go like, I don't get it.
You know, because I don't feel that way. I've never felt that way in my whole life. I've always felt like. Yeah, me too.
But, man, kids these days, I don't think they see sexuality in all the way we saw it as kids. It's way, way different. Like, I was watching that, like, that Gen Z movie. I call it Gen Z movie because I'm an old guy now.
Bodies, Bodies, Bodies. And they're like 20-something years old. I just saw the trailer for this on a plane last night. Bodies, Bodies, Bodies, Bodies.
Wait, hold on. Who's in it that I know? It's Pete Davidson. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it is a very cool movie. I ran into Pete Sunday. I have to tell you, man. He was in the best.
I was like, what is up? He's glowing. He was fucking glowing. And he was, like, in the best mood.
So light. Like, every other time I saw him, I was like, oh, what's up, bro? What's up? He was, like, bubbling.
I don't know if it was NASCAR or what, but he was in the best mood I've ever seen. What's Bodies, Bodies, Bodies, Bodies about? So they're all, like, 20-something. They go to a hurricane party.
And then, like, people just start dying, essentially. And it's crazy. But it opens up with, like, these two, like, probably 22-year-old girls or maybe younger just making out. And I was like, am I an old man?
Because I'm, like, looking around the plane. And, like, are people watching me? Oh, yeah, they're making out on an airplane. They're watching it on an airplane.
On an airplane. And I'm like, this seems, like, a little too intense for an airplane movie. But it was a really cool movie. So, no.
What is this? So they all start dying? Someone's murdering them? Yeah, or so you think.
Oh, is it a good movie? Yeah, you should watch it. It's cool. But it was.
That was, like, the first time I've seen a movie where the whole cast is that age. And it felt like, oh, I'm not of that generation. Yeah. Well, you're Pete's age, right?
No. How old is Pete? Pete is, like, 25 years old. Are you serious?
He was super young. I have no idea how old anyone is. Yeah, I feel like. I have no idea.
I think everyone's my age. Pete's 29. Oh, he's 29. I gotta be honest with you, man.
He fucking. I was like, whatever. Whatever you're doing. If it's yoga or meditating or if it's a fucking.
Whatever the fuck he was doing. Oxycontinues. drinking whatever the fuck he's doing i want to do he looked he looked amazing he's a great guy i had him on house party season one when he was 19 before snl the list of people you had on house party someone else yeah someone else just said they did house party that i was with like oh yeah i did house party i'm fine i was like who is the who else was on that lineup well it was like uh like it was p and santino and grant morin and eric riffin and samorel and like i mean and you did it in hawaii we did it first season in la it's like proof of concept sort of season and then the whole plan was to take it everywhere and then we did season two on frenchman street in new orleans really yeah which was just why how many seasons did you do three and then the third season we did it in on the north shore of hawaii i saw that i was like you're taylor thomas on yeah and then but we had a ton of uh great comics that and it was cool because you're leonard on oh i let leonard yeah i love leonard he's great he's super funny jesus christ this is rick lassman kirk bronholer manteo lane eric riffin christian shawl shut the fuck up yeah parna is fucking funny as shit dude ian carmel is funny as shit yeah yeah yeah what's cool is that he's on brooks we don't know that brooks annie the lucas brothers esther byron god damn it see this is something where you see these you know this is why you're where you are i mean dead serious is not only from my perspective of what i've seen you see these things given to comics and they piss away they fill up with their friends and they don't fucking put the funniest people on because they're threatened by being around funny people and you put on fucking that's a murderer's list of fucking yeah well i was like you know for me it's cool to then like years later be like run into all those people and and see how great that they're doing and obviously like that's just a small part of their career but it's pretty cool to see them at the very very beginning yeah like right like most of those people is their first time most of them it's their first time ever to stand on television first time on tv yeah so it was cool and then we had like a narrative thread that ran through the show so they got an axe too so they got something for the real you know a little thing was the last season when you were doing uh the thing with uh what's yeah so like i went to and i was shooting that movie on the north shore and i was like we should bring house right here but then i got greedy and they're like well where would you want to do a season four and i'm like sydney and they're like you're canceled no you're not gonna go to sydney that movie mike and david dates what he did so fucking funny yeah thanks i can't tell sometimes i wonder if it's the thing because i know you i know you but i don't know you as well as i feel like i know you when i watch you on things sure i feel like i go i remember watching that one you're like like you're going oh adam you know like oh yeah and like i don't know the other guy what's the other guy's name zach efron he's fucking obviously great he's great he does yeah i love that dude but man what's great is how handsome he is distracts people from how like good of an actor he is i even watched his netflix series where it's like political or something which one's that i don't know it's like he's like what's it called he like like does political stuff like i think you're thinking of another person no no no zach efron maybe it's not political maybe it's just like oh no that's where he like goes and it's like he's down to earth yeah yeah yeah yeah that's another not political at all he just goes and travels and like does outdoorsy shit yeah yeah and you're like this is politics i'm burt kreischer and i understand politics he's sitting with a bunch of people i was like it must be political he's like hard-hitting hard-hitting questions from zach so when you do a movie like this with a guy like this do you guys keep in touch do you text him every now and then or are you kind of like one and done while we run into each other we'll hang out yeah we're not like best of buddies but like yeah we stay in touch we'll hit each other up every once in a while usually like if something if we have something come out i'll be like oh i saw that you did great that's pretty cool like i just uh i touched with audrey quite a bit uh because she's been crushing it lately i'm like she just did snl she hosted snl uh i just saw her first of all i i do not i i watched have you done snl no i mean either i really want to would you host it yeah that'd be sick dude you want that pressure yeah who gives a shit uh some people yeah some people okay i'm gonna this is just we're talking okay good um oh good i thought it was more than that the amount of pressure you go through for snl seeing the amount of stress the build-up the week before worrying about your monologue making sure your monologue's good because as comics we have to do stand-up we can't just go up and just do like uh like you know like like every cast member comes out yeah hey who's like a trumpet in the crowd you know we gotta do stand-up it's gotta be fucking banging stand-up and we're comics we gotta write ourselves and now you're putting yourself in front of the country on the biggest comedy platform there's ever been i watched when bill bird did it i go i remember i think i asked him was it worth the stress and he said you know so i don't i'm not gonna put words in bill's mouth but his answer i think was ultimately yes you have to do it yeah but there's a ton of stress that goes into it that's one of the things i go yes i do it but i know i'd regret it the whole week leading up to it until i did it and then i go thank god i did it yeah i mean yeah for sure there'll be like because i mean i still like right before i go out and present at some big award show or like do a big show or something it's a little bit like right before you're like what am i doing yeah and then you go and do it yeah all i'm doing is going out if i bomb i look like an asshole and if i kill no one who remembers me yeah it's like it's always like for me i'm like that happens one minute as i'm backstage right before going out and then as soon as i'm out there it's fine and then it's and it's fine up until the one minute mark and then i forget everything that i'm about to do and i don't remember until i hit the mic and then it just what was the what was the first one of those you did what was your first leap into celebrity where you're on work college probably maybe you had done by the way you got to talk about listen i fucking love her so much she's great i think we talked about her before i am like i am in love i think that fucking kid is like there's something so fun about her so fucking fun you got to you got to really work with her but like um don't get off the fucking albury plaza um so uh what was the first thing maybe you had done uh uh yeah i don't know what the very first like where you're like oh shit this is big yeah i mean i know like i hosted the mtv movie awards and that was yeah that was pretty huge and it was like i didn't have time i was shooting game over man my movie i did with and i didn't have time uh to like do proper rehearsals we had one rehearsal the day before so like i do this big opening song and dance number where i'm beast from beauty and the beast and i fall down the stairs and i start a fire and i like fly through the air and i land on the table and there's like all this dancing and shit that i've learned because somehow i did like one singing movie and now they're like you're a really good singer and i'm like jesus christ uh so i'm doing over here so that was one and you shuffle ball step for us real quick and i was kind of embarrassed because the the audience like there's a curtain but there's audience behind the curtain so when they shoot it's like the audience is all around so i'm like trying to like remember the words so i'm like mouthing it to myself and then just one guy he goes you're gonna do great adam and then they all start cheering i'm like thank you thank you how much do you push back when you get into those rooms and they go all right we got all these ideas this is what we want you to do and your party is overworked because you're doing another movie and then you come in you don't have much time how much do you push back how much do you let them do their job well i think there is a part of that that sometimes when i'm like a comic will come in and i'll just bulldoze every other idea because they're like well it's my show i have to do everything and i'm like you don't have to like there's really funny people that aren't you that you can help you out and it's your job to as a leader to just go like all right i really like that idea we're gonna use that one i like that one less let's put a pin in that and maybe maybe something will spark and we'll like that more and you figure that out and i think that was just from doing workaholics at a pretty young age and like being the boss when i was 25 and just having to quickly learn like how to delegate responsibilities and how sometimes mediocre ideas can be really fucking funny like you know that was the hardest thing for me to learn i hired a social media company they're like they send me ideas and so i'd send i would they would be like hey today's national woman awareness month can you post a video telling us how much you love your wife i was like absolutely fucking not i was like no fucking way am i gonna post and then i was like i'm gonna show them how stupid this looks and then in doing it it ends up being pretty funny i crackly out of the shot yeah so you see your forehead and it's pretty funny you're like ah you can't show on ideas ideas are great dumb and all plays even if they're horrible ideas what was like a movie funny people with uh sandler and rogan and it was like yeah he doesn't want the punchlines he wants the setups of bits and then from there he can figure it out himself and i think a lot of times with like writing for like award shows and that kind of thing it's like yeah give me all the jokes and i'll figure out what to do with it when you read a script for a movie do you like i was telling someone i think i read movie scripts wrong because i don't read i don't really read i mean i read them but i don't get too lost in dialogue and i don't get too lost what i look for is like a great story i go if this is a good story but then i go i'll do it but if it's not if it's like if i go this is weak but there's funny jokes i don't give a fuck funny jokes will come and go how do you read a movie script yeah i feel that's a good way to do it it's because stories are most likely it takes forever for me to do a fucking script i'm better now but at the beginning it was like because i would get lost in like doing the part like i'm i cast myself as the character and then i'm like oh i would change it and i'm like punching up bits and i'm like rewriting things as i'm going and then i'm on page six and it's like an hour later and i just worked on a scene and i'm like no fucking read the guy so now i just bulldoze and read as fast as i can and go through it and then i'll go back and read for structure and character things what script did you pass on that's been a good movie this is my favorite question this is my favorite question oh man that is a good question i've done them all yeah that hasn't happened to me no for real no not really i mean there's a lot of movies that like that sort of just get lost in the sauce so you're like they come and go and you're like oh that's fine there's been some really bad movies that i'm like thank god i passed on and i've done a couple of them what's one movie if you can take it back i'm not gonna say it i can't say it what does it sound like i'll tell you i'll tell you later i can't just mouth it to me i just want to see you i can't do it because of the producers people and like and you know you read the script and you're like well this could be good and it just doesn't turn out can you pull up adam's imdb so i can guess okay while we plug your imdb aubry plaza i often mistake other actresses as aubry plaza like i said to someone she's awesome white lotus she's not in white lotus she is in white lotus what's white lotus not white lotus she is in white lotus yeah she plays in the newest season the italy season yeah okay and she crushes in it i think she was in white lotus season one okay well no no no no there's that actress oh for a totally different person i have no idea uh but yeah she is she was so good can i tell you what i liked about not to talk about one of your fucking movies i really love that fucking wedding day movie yeah for another chick were just as strong of leads in it as you guys were yeah that's what i thought was fucking cool it was like right at that time where like they and to their credit and i think it's a great thing that they were like okay we have to make the female characters great now and if i would come out three or four that it would have been just two fucking secondary characters so they did a great job of writing sort of writing she had a stroke when she was 20. oh we did yeah oh wow i didn't know that i could have been someone else said this but i think she had a stroke when she was 20.
you put a lot of things on to other people that you're not exactly sure i don't pay attention to the details so i'll just go yeah i'm gonna be like dude i never had a fucking stroke at 20. put it in there. watch this is how you get oh yeah she had a stroke at 20 she was dating like a 40 year old oh wow and they were asking her in the hospital how old you are you and when you have a stroke sometimes like things don't connect sure she was like i'm 16 and she was 20 and she was 20 and she's 20 she's 20 she's 20 she's 20 she's 20 who is this man that's my boyfriend yeah yeah she couldn't use half of her face ah well it's working now girl yeah is she cool to be around yeah she's funny yeah she's fun yeah god isn't it fun people party at this danie party yeah danie parties yeah it's great are you glad you said yes to that the righteous gemstones yeah absolutely so good dude it was like that was the easiest yes i'm like he's on my like mount rushmore of comics so like they're really i was like pretty done with tv just because it was right after workaholics i was like i want to wait a few years really find the right thing and like i want to be the lead uh you know and and then danny called i'm not the lead it's like a big ensemble but uh but yeah but it's so good exactly and uh and danny was like would you want to do it and he was like yeah whatever it is i'll do it but sure let's talk about it but i'm gonna do it how bad i mean that that that is such a fucking dinger i mean so it's a fucking clean hit over left center where you're just like everyone fucking murders it uh you know you know uh this gonna sound silly but the reason i started watching it was because of uh jennifer nettles and i was like oh wait what because sometimes oh yeah yeah there's a it's on hbo right yep sometimes with hbo they'll get some stinkers that the network gets behind when it comes to comedy sure and you'll go like i'll give it a sec i watched that first episode i was crying i go lean have you seen this and i was like this is fucking amazing everyone kills it and they were hbo to their credit is like super behind it and it's like it gets like dark sometimes it's really dark so it's fun to do it it feels different than just like doing a sitcom oh it's such a good fucking show yeah thanks this was like i never understood the whole concept of i thought it was there's a lot of this business that i shit on because i had to because that's why you protect yourself sure so like you hear some people go i was lucky enough to work with deniro and you're like whatever like yeah i want to see his process i had never understood that until you actually access something you're like oh i want to watch danny i want to make right act oh he's great i want to watch him and he's cool too i mean because danny writes all this stuff so like and that's that was us with workaholics so it's cool to see that they kind of do things how we do things really yeah so you know you like you write something and like sometimes you're going to set and just like this script kind of sucks and they're like yeah but that's why i have all these great improvisers and you're like well it was your job to write a good script like it's not my job because we write the whole goddamn thing but danny writes such a good thing that you do that and then he'll be like yeah let's let it fly and then we'll go way off the rails and that's how we did it with workaholics so it's like we just spend all this time writing a great script let's do that and then after we do a couple takes and we know we have it then we're just like let's just fucking go off the rails i'm gonna ask you the weirdest question and this is by the way so inside baseball so inside actor studio so okay so dude what you just said if me and you were on one of those dumb roundtables of a comedic actor have you seen it have you seen that they've got one that i've just subscribed to where it's like all these great actors sitting on a roundtable and like colin um the British guy or the car was like talking about his missteps as a young kid and what it was like to do alexander and i was like i never gave a fuck about those now i'm like oh because he's talking about ego really yeah to watch people get lost in ego in this business is so fucking fascinating dude that was my favorite because i worked at the yeah that's the exact one honest yeah the this is honestly there's only 150 people that are going to give a shit about this answer but i'm good then let's talk about it we'll get 40 minutes so when do you improvise not on the wide not on your tight is it like when do you like so when you should you know better than i do when you're shooting a scene say it's you danny mcbride do you danny mcbride and they do a wide correct and then they do his close up and then you're close up in a perfect world you would you would do two takes and you nail those two takes and then on that third take you get a little loose and start to find the rhythm and then the closer your coverage gets then you really dial it in and you try to do you try to match what you did in the wide so then on the other people's coverage a good actor will know to do this on the other people's coverage they'll be able to match what you did so then it can become a cohesive scene okay so if you're doing a scene with danny mcbride what i'm assuming is probably a pretty good improviser yeah obviously yeah they you guys do your wide and then they go and then you'd mess around on a wide yeah usually on like the third or fourth take where you're like you know you have it and then they go to his close up he does it the way you did it on the wide right and then he does A few of his mess arounds And you're there watching it And you're acting with it But you're not on camera And then when they go to your close up You know that there's something Really genius he said You'll cover that And you'll cover all the other stuff And then if Let's say an actor doesn't do What they did in the other coverage And you want to match You had something funny to add To what they said Then in between takes You're like Hey would you mind doing that A little bit So then I can add something And then you know If they're not a fucking monster They'll do it You know sometimes you're like Did they not do that shit on purpose? Did this bitch not do that on purpose?
But for the most time It's just like people They just don't know Until you get in and edit pay I didn't know this shit Until we got workaholics And then it was like You're in the edits And you see when things Aren't working Because we didn't have the coverage And you're like Oh so if I did that Everything could have worked That's what's crazy Is you went to You literally got your doctorate In comedy by doing workaholics Because you learn All the stuff a director needs Out of you All the stuff a writer Would bring to this You learn so much In that fucking season That literally if you went back And they said Hey just so you know You need to pay us back All the money from workaholics You'd be like Oh it was worth it That work was worth it Yeah and they might I can see They're Paramount Plus now I can see them doing Something like that man I watched you guys do your podcast And you talked about Not doing workaholics It was such a bummer How the fuck is that It was also So for people I don't know We were going to do The workaholics movie We wrote a killer script It was so damn funny We were in prep We were going to start In like a month I think five weeks And so like We were getting a condo check All the pieces We were bringing back All the department heads So it was going to be The same hair and makeup The same costumes The same everything It would have been the best Everyone was so damn excited And then they just were like Hey it doesn't fit Our new global strategy And we're Peace we're out of here And we're like And it was like the day Or the week that we're Having all those rains in LA And so my house was just flooding Like they were tearing up my kitchen Being like We can't find the lake And I'm like hosing through And literally I come downstairs And so I'm just going to sound like I'm a fucking rich asshole But at my beach house So he was at that By the way I do a podcast With a rich asshole So we're fine He calls our fans fat boys You're a monster cigar We went to NASCAR And he was wearing a cashmere sweater I go what the fuck Are you wearing a cashmere sweater Just sweating And then he pulled out A unused A brand new James Purse white t-shirt And yeah so I have a place in Hollywood The house I bought right When I was doing recalls And then I just got this beach house A handful of years ago So the Hollywood house was fully flooding And we're like figuring out the leak And then I come downstairs And the beach house is now flooding And my kitchen is just raining And I'm like oh no And then my manager calls And I go dude I don't know if I can do the podcast My beach house is flooding And he goes oh shit dude That fucking sucks I got other bad news Paramount Plus isn't doing the fucking movie Alright I think you should talk about it On the podcast And so like then we got on the podcast And it was like It took everything not to just shit on Paramount Plus But like I get it It's not just like A guy making a decision Who agreed with the movie Now it's like it's a corporation So it's hard not to take things personal Because you go Like even like I mean I take everything personal And that's by the way The only reason I'm I mean the reason I'm Not the only reason I'm friends with Tom That's the only reason I'm friends with Tom The reason we're so close Is that he understands how personal I fake things He understands how sensitive I am So he can communicate with me The same way Leanne does Does he poke the bear a little bit Or no he He comes out for you He puts the bear in the cave Okay good Puts the bear in the cave And he'll put some marshmallows in there And kind of close up the leaves And be like Alright he's asleep Now let's talk about this Fucking two bear sports management He's taking it all personal My goal is to be billionaires And so I want to be a billionaire Tom wants to be it For selfish reasons And like to buy more cars I want to do a second Children Good Specifically children Yeah How much do you think Do you ever think about like Do you ever think about like Business opportunities Like starting your own booze And things like that I've invested in a few Like those can C-A-N Those little cannabis drinks Oh dude I'll hook you up They're fucking so good They're really weed drinks And like some days I'm like dude I'm like my guts are gargling From all the vodka I need to lay off for a few days I'll drink these little fucking things They're pretty small They're like two Two and a half milligrams So you can have like You can drink them like You're drinking a beer Where do you buy them at? Yeah any dispensary Are you fucking serious? You can buy these They'll send them right to your house I got I got I found little I don't know if they're around here But little edibles by God fuck who I want to give them a shout out They're one of the best edibles How have you been edibles? The like Keith Yeah yeah Those are good Those are good I have those every night I'm like a little Camino Camino the gummies The gummies are way good Dude They gave me I got They hit me up for my birthday And they're like Yo we're going to send you a package They sent me more edibles And I could put an elephant To sleep with these edibles But these are some of them Oh yeah These things are fucking so enjoyable So fucking enjoyable I like Danny was like Jesus Christ dude You're going to get arrested I packed so many Because we go to Charleston For eight months It takes to shoot a goddamn season So like I'll travel With a suitcase full of edibles And chocolates And cans And I'm like I'm going to be okay I'm going to give me a ticket I love this shit Dude the Kiva Those guys The churro guy You messed with that What's that one?
Tastes like churro No I So I know I probably told this story before But it's worth telling again So we got these And they're five milligrams Which is probably the perfect There's another one That's even lighter It's like two milligrams That you can give anyone one Two milligrams is The perfect amount of marijuana To start your night off Yes you can just have one And then a few hours later You can have another I hate when That's why I like the cans so much Because it's like It's a social You're drinking it You can drink it at a party I love the idea of the can The can is like I might have to go Fucking get some tonight The Lost Farm ones are good too Remember Lost Farm? Lost Farm are the They are The What are those? The taros are good too So we got these Camino sours At Christmas And I notoriously Overbuy groceries I'm notoriously And I said You know what I'm going to let my wife do it this year So Christmas Eve I give everyone edibles All the adults get edibles I go around It's two milligrams Would you like one Would you like one Everyone took one And at the end of the night We get ready to do dishes And we have barely any leftovers And I go And I'm high as fuck And I'm a little drunk I go We shopped perfectly We shopped perfectly And then the next night Christmas night We do it again Everyone eats edibles We eat dinner And we have literally Very little leftovers And I go Whoever's picking the amount of food Keep going And Leanne goes Fuckhead You're giving everyone edibles Everyone's eating like savages We're just going wild We're going back for fours and fifths And I was like Oh a sudden I was getting a lot of weight off the edibles You don't have to worry about your weight at all do you No I do dude You work out every day Really Yeah I work out every day What podcast do you listen to I listen to your guys' I listen to Bad Friends Bad Friends is really good And yeah that's about it And sometimes I listen to Do you listen to Rogan ever? Sometimes Rogan's mine Rogan's mine I know it's so happy to say It's just long It's so damn long Oh really Oh yeah I would put on him in Bridget Bridget Fetzy I don't know I'll listen to anyone He has long I go If Joe's got him on There's something interesting about them I don't have his bandwidth For fucking curiosity He's curious about so much Do you fuck with mushrooms at all?
Yeah I used to really fuck with mushrooms Really? Like in high school And then Bridget Fetzy She's really great She just had a kid Was she a comic? She was I think she was She does that as a podcast And now is writing a book She's more of like a columnist She's really interesting But she's really funny on the show And they have a good back and forth I really enjoy her And Megan Murphy's really good on the show And when Joe has one He really has a might as touch I feel like he has people on And then suddenly they're household names Or he knows what will be a household name How about that? There was a guy Paul Dammitz I think his name was We do a podcast And this guy Paul Dammitz comes out And he's like Hey If you guys want mushrooms This guy is a guy to talk to And we're like Paul Dammitz And he's like Yeah yeah yeah And then this is the guy He is the foremost expert on mushrooms You can tell by the hat A year later You don't wear that hat Unless you fuck with mushrooms Yeah the wind told you to wear that So a year later I'm watching this fucking documentary on mushrooms And it's all him It's him He knows everything He's got mushrooms You're cancer He's got fucking everything I mean mushrooms They do rock And what's the best Is like If you take the right Sometimes you're picking them out And you're on like hour eight And you're like What happened?
Why? But then another time You're like You just have everything figured out You're like It all makes sense now I used to like We would record ourselves To be like Well it all makes The world makes sense When we're on mushrooms So let's record And maybe And then it was just us Like touching the popcorn ceiling Like in our shitty apartment When we were like 20 years old It was just a lot of us Like feeling the walls and stuff I took a pen I got very very high one time As a kid And I had all the answers I had all the answers And I grabbed a pen and a paper And I said I'm going to write this down And I started writing it all down And I folded it And I put it in my pocket And I said This is what I need to read this sober And I'll get it And the next morning I woke up And I told my friends Get ready for it I fucking figured out The universe last night And it was just the word yellow Written 12 times And I was like Fuck I was like Did something yellow happen Did a big yellow situation Go down last night? Just a yellow And I went Fucking God damn it I fucking Nah I can't write on Xanax I don't fucking write on Xanax at all I think that was about Because of Xanax Really? Did he have like a big Xanax problem?
Nope You spread more rumors about people? I just think that no one Knew anything about like Sedatives back then And so like he probably I just think he probably Took Xanax a lot And so Have you known what's going on with him? Yeah I mean That fucking bothers me so much It sucks dude It sucks It's Bruce Willis Yeah just the coolest fucking guy Like one time One person Said that my dad looked like Bruce Willis And I'm like Yep my dad is Bruce Willis I'm like I put that on my dad I'm like you're the coolest And all this shit is happening I'm like oh shit How much partying did you do in the 80s dad? I thought I had this aphasia thing Because I'm really bad with names I'm really bad with names To the point where I'll call As someone comes up I'll be like hey this is And as I go to say her name I go I'm saying the wrong name right now Rachel Like I do it bad And then I did Tampa last week And it was pretty big And everyone I went to high school was there And I knew all their fucking names I was like Paula Mike Tyler And I was like There's a weird thing about your friends From when you were like a kid That you always say their first and last name Yeah Like everybody you're like Kyle Walls Ryan Jonica Jason Hillman What the fuck Why is that Just rattle them off And then anyone else After you're 21 years old Anyone else in your life You're like I want to say Jeff And they're like It's Erica I saw I went to Jesuit baseball I went to play baseball With a high school Have you seen this video?
Oh yes I did I hit home run Yeah you did I was proud of you And so What's crazy is A bunch of dudes I went to high school We're all there I knew all their names Even a dude I grew up with This guy Mike Swenson This coach over Jesuit I was like Swenson what the fuck Are you doing I was like I don't have aphasia I just have I'm just an upper hall Yeah you drank a little too much You killed a handful of brain cells Just look at this I mean Yeah I'm definitely the person That should not be around children Well also How great you hit a home run I'm like Were you a great baseball player When you were a kid? I was pretty good I was not You weren't like going pro But you could crush the ball I could have gone to college I was like Went to college Now let's talk about Your gut Do you think that helps With the swing? It's interesting to say that I think I would probably Be a better baseball player Without the gut Because I don't feel like I have full rotation Oh okay Because sometimes I wonder With more weight Where you could just throw it in Into that ball That twerk It's possible Because I don't know I don't think I could I play baseball But I don't think I could Hit a home run right now When was the last time You went home And went to your high school stuff? I did Disney Plus did a thing Did a little documentary About me It was called Becoming It was like a little 30 minute Which was super weird Because it's like a documentary About your life But you're still alive And you're like This should be happening When I'm fucking dead This is so strange But then we went And got blackout drunk Me and my family The night before So all of our interviews Were all hungover All fat faced I got in an argument With my mom Because I told her I don't care If she runs my fan club And she started crying What?
Yeah I don't know She was just like Drunk as shit So she's just like Why don't you respect me I run the fan club But what she does dude Is she She refuses to not To say that it's my mother Running the Facebook fan page So she says that it's me So she'll respond to people Being like What up homie? Like shit that I would never said And be like Yo yo A couple years ago on 420 Or a couple days after 420 She goes Oops Looks like I missed 420 I guess I 420'd too hard And I'm like Oh my god mom I might subscribe to your fan page Just as I'm DM Dude and then she Miss spells everything It's like Nice body Respect yourself Don't listen to these boys Don't tell you what to do Your body or your choice Respect yourself Yeah And then sometimes She'll just take It's not If you received a message Saying it's my mom It's not Somebody's time to be here Oh yeah I think she had She had like a person Claiming it was her To like get weird things Started I don't know But then sometimes She'll just take And repost things that I write And I'm like Well that's the way to do it That's the correct way But then sometimes She'll take it upon herself To do like a funny gif Or you know Can I run your fan page for a day? I would love that I would love to reply Give me just one Don't give me happy new years Give me someone It's just weirdly You just like get me cancelled Yeah it's just like You just post a photo of me Like in blackface I'd be fucking great at it Because I would never say These things on my fan page If I'd be totally loose If you say things on yours It would be Fuck These guys who write for Arby's and Wendy's And then they just light bitches up You ever seen those guys? The dudes that work for Sometimes corporate accounts Will just like light up Am I crazy?
You know what I'm talking about? Here give me one Okay Literally just you guys You're the best You can make anything I want Love your content Oh is this about Okay this is how I reply Thanks Ivy Can you rank us though And tell us which is your favorite Which is your least favorite We're thinking about recasting Yeah good Yeah see Classic Yeah what was crazy about Yeah I did the Macy's Day parade This year as well You've had such crazy life It's like it's so weird dude I'm like this is the year of parades Do you ever feel guilty That you get all this good shit And you go I'll tell you very honestly The other day Spread the wealth a little bit I definitely said The other day I did Tampa And I saw the photos of that They looked truly incredible Well that's where I grew up And it's like And it's like everyone I ever went to school with Was there And I was like And I got done And I was like I kept saying this Everyone should get to have one of these Like not just me Everyone should have one of these And I was like obsessed with that And I was like if I die No one should be sad Everyone should be like that Hell of a run Jesus No one thought he was going to get that far You ever feel like that though I mean you had such cool life experiences Yeah I think so But I think like once you Yes obviously It's like a lot of pinching moments But then I'm also like I want to keep going Like I don't want it to stop Where do you want it to go To me I'm like Who has the perfect career Is like Sandler Someone who can just make his movies With his friends And then also go and like Do a movie with Paul Yeah Paul Yeah with PTA And then have it be like A really cool weird Different type of role for him And then go back and do like A silly fun comedy with his buddies Did you see a basketball movie? Yeah Hustle I thought it was fucking awesome It was fucking amazing And that was Happy Madison I think they're like Segwaying to doing like A little bit different stuff I just did a movie with It's called The Outlaws It comes out this summer And it's me and Pierce Brosnan And Ellen Barkin And Nina Dobrev And it's like a big action Bank robbing heist movie Shut up Yeah with Happy Madison Are you serious? Yeah they produce it with me Pierce Brosnan's a bad motherfucker He was an interview he did Where someone was like He's from Ireland I guess And the guy's like You're from Ireland I'm from Ireland And he says the thing And Pierce Brosnan talks about The house he grew up in And that guy's like The house is still there Pierce Brosnan's a fucking That would be a cool career to have Where you go I guess Pierce Brosnan's Not under the radar You know but I mean The guys like that Where you go Yeah it's James Bond That's like the least Under the radar thing you can do But no I mean he's And he's also like Just a cool motherfucker And he's like 70 years old And he like walks in With hair and makeup Fair in the morning And I'm like Oh shit Like the vibe changes They're like the coolest guy Just walked in And meanwhile I'm like There are like bags under my eyes To put little poochies under And he's like He's like oh Should I use those And I'm like no You win 70 years Without needing them Yeah God That's crazy That's gonna be a Netflix movie That we did with With Happy Madison Which is Sandwich Production Company But I'm like That to me is like The perfect career And he had a He said something In some fucking magazine Where it's like Would you And I'm probably misquoting But it's like What advice would you give To yourself 20 years ago Adam Sandler Yeah Adam Sandler And his advice to him was what And his advice to himself 20 years ago Was appreciate some of the moments And then he wrote But if you sit around And do that too much You're gonna stop having those moments I did that with raising my children I was like I'm not gonna drag my feet With raising these kids I'm gonna fucking go for my shit That would be cool I bet he has I bet he's laughed hard as fuck I mean think about How much fun the Waterboy Must have been to make Or The Wedding Singer Yes or The Wedding Singer My god I rewatched that not too long ago I'm like this movie fucking rules Like yeah He did it absolutely right Where you're like Because the whole point of Especially in comedy Is like you just want to be With your friends And make the funniest shit Things that you and your friends like And hopefully the world likes it too And he did that And then he got to have A whole other career Where he's like considered A great serious actor I'm bad at names Hubie Halloween was good Everything Sandler does is good He's my guy though I discovered my sense of humor By watching him And then being like Oh that's what I want to be Here's my thing This is what I want to do I don't really care about The content that I make I just want to be with my friends I want to be able to I don't want anyone to have to tell me I have to wait in my trailer I want to be able to walk on set Whenever I want And I want people better than me So I can watch them That's it Which is what Sandler did Essentially he surrounded himself With really really good actors That are like Yeah I just want to be goofy For like two months What's better Billy Madison or Happy Go More Billy Madison Hedgehog or whatever The hell that thing was That part's cool Caddyshack gave you lines You could say with your friends That weren't necessarily Funny per se But they were funny Billy Madison or Happy Go More Made you laugh out loud Yeah It made you laugh out fucking loud Yeah I love Sandler To me I'm like That's what I would love to do Have you met him?
Huh? Is he cool? Yeah super cool Super nice Super funny Like exactly what you want I don't want to meet him I fucked him up already We have a movie over there And I'm just going to be like I'm excited for the machine dude I really am I'm excited Have you seen the trailer yet? Yeah of course Have you seen the trailer?
I don't think so I don't think so then I leaked it in Tampa You know one of my buddies Scotty Landis Yeah He did a draft He wrote for Workaholics He's one of my best friends He was at Mardi Gras With me just the other day Are you serious? Shut the fuck up God no wait Did you meet him out in LA? I met him Scotty Landis I met him here At the Smokehouse in Burbank Where my manager put us together And he was like I think he'd do well Helping you with House Party And I was like okay And so I met him And I'm like I was writing it While I was doing Workaholics I was like The workload's pretty intense I need somebody That could just churn out pages And then I go and rewrite And that stuff And I met him And he was a great Super funny guy Alright go back to Do what you just did Adam Sandler But to Adam Devine So we can figure out What movie he wishes He hadn't made I was wondering If you're going to Look back to that one And pull up my IMDB And you can guess Which product I wish I had made Look at how many movies you've made God damn you've done a lot That's crazy Alright ready I'm going to say A name of one of your movies That you were in Scroll up Scroll up Go to the top top top Because I'm sure they'll do like Yeah And then you tell me Just one word What was the time travel love story When we first met That was when we first met I love time travel though Me too I'm a sucker for it Well it was cool It was like That script came across my desk And I was like I gotta do a time travel movie I'm like I should get this made This is my time travel movie Okay It is That's too long to piss Never mind I had like three I time traveled right there with you Time slowed down for a second It's um You know what Fuck it The day I sold the machine I had three movies And each were Each were Like each One of the studios We liked that one We liked that one And I went to Legendary And I pissed all three And Kel was like Alright I like them all Which one do you want to make And I was like Cool And I was like I don't know He was like No no no Think about this I'm going to make one of your movies Which one do you want to make And I go It's none of them And he goes For real I go Yeah it's the machine And he goes Alright what is it And I literally said I don't know man I'm afraid if I made that movie I'd get kidnapped by the Russian mafia And he goes Sold I said what do you mean Is that the pitch I went no He goes I'll buy it That's the movie And I was like Shut the fuck up Well yeah I know Kel actually He's a great guy And I agree That I think that was The perfect first movie For you to be like The lead And for you to do Because it wasn't that That was your bit That caught on fire And sent things into the stratosphere I have like 88 million views online So you've got to do that movie And then do something else Alright I'm going to say Name a movie And you just tell me one word That reminds you of that movie Game over man What's one word Or one moment When you go It was my dick in the closet My auto erotic fixation scene Dude I stand But people are so weirded out About seeing my dick You also see my butthole If you look closely But I'm like To me that just doesn't matter at all I feel like you don't care About being naked So I'm like As long as it's funny And that scene I stand by it Is a very very very funny scene Pitch Perfect What's your favorite memory Of Pitch Perfect Anna Kendrick Anna Kendrick Rebel Me Ben Platt It was a really really good cast Tyler Aston Udkar Shibutkar Yeah it was a really really good cast You know I went to the What was it They did a movie theater They played all three Pitch Perfects I went to the whole day With my daughters Jesus Christ Yeah we watched One of the funner days I've ever had Really In the morning Or noon And you watched them all Until 9 o'clock at night It was when the third Pitch Perfect came out Oh I didn't even know that happened Yeah it was fun They brought all their friends Oh that's cool And it was like No one was there for the first two Because they were like I mean there were some people But it was mostly us in the theater Because it was like They were playing old movies And they've seen the first two And they've seen the first two The third one That's when everyone showed up at And we'd already stayed clean In our area And we had a fucking blast It's one of the fun times I've had to be their dad Oh that's fun Yeah Wasn't in the third one So So you keep talking about it Wasn't in it No that's essentially why I did I'm doing a show right now Called Bumper in Berlin And that's about my Pitch Perfect character And we did the season one In Berlin With the German dancers Yes exactly And so I go to Germany To like resurrect my pop career And yeah it was a really really fun show It was the biggest comedy That Peacock's ever had Really Is that streaming right now Yeah on Peacock And we're going to do another season Of it this summer So Yeah it was super fun But that essentially was like I don't know if I would have done it If I was in the third movie But since they didn't Let me be in the third movie And then they brought that to me I was like Well fuck yeah I deserve to get paid Pay me Do you guys have a Pitch Perfect chat thread Where everyone just chats in the group No not really The Workaholics We got a big one And then me and like Brent Morin and Satino And those guys We got a thing going But yeah I guess not a ton of threads You're a big thread guy Yeah I hear my threads I got I am because I'm really bad At replying to texts I got work ones I got my social media team Sure I've got my We call it Questions for the Chrysler Which is my manager My assistant Like my internal team Sure I've got those two Those aren't fun No these are fine Those are all fun Top's off tour chat That's the tour we're on right now Okay yeah We've got Pretty Boy Productions I got the Sober October crew I've got Isla Haytex That's my parents and my daughters I've got Baby Walrus That's just my daughters My wife They call me Baby Walrus And then I've got a group Of friends and campers I've got What was the one I just put together I was like I like when you meet famous people And then you go Because it's a great way I've got one with me Aaron Rodgers and Segura I love that Yeah that's a great way Because I don't like Texting famous people Well me neither And I'm always still weird Because it's usually When I meet famous people It's like after like An award show or something And you're like That's the best part About going to those Because award shows Always kind of suck But then it's the after parties That you go to I can't remember And then it's called Train Thread Train Boys I love that I love getting I love starting chain threads Here I'll start one with you And Adam Ray Watch this I'll just do this Give me names Adam Ray I know I have Adam Him and Brad Oh no I don't have Adam Okay next Do you have Brad Brad Williams Of course His Yeah Throw in Bobby You got Bobby Yeah Bobby was the first time I hung out with That had any amount of money And I remember we went to What was that Jewish deli Next to the Laugh Factory You remember that place Yeah And he just ordered so much food And he ordered like 12 different drinks Because he's like I never know what kind of beverage I want to have And I just remember I had like $0 I was like $22 or something And I was like I just want to get to that level I want to be able to get an orange juice A Diet Coke A coffee I want to just I want to have that much money That I could get like Orange juice and a Diet Coke Hey guys I'm sitting at this restaurant And I can't figure out what to drink And I know you guys will help me out Period Thoughts And then you sit back and relax And let it roll in And then I'm going to fucking name it Drink Boys Yeah See And now we'll have the Drink Boys forever Drink Boys I think one of the first times We like hung out That wasn't like Because I used to be the door guy At the improv And that's when we first met When I was like 20 years old And I was the door guy At the improv And you are always like Super nice Because some of the old comics They don't give a shit about Yeah they don't fucking care About the 20 year old kid Working the door They don't care about The 29 year old kid Fucking being on stage either Yeah totally And then we ran into each other On Bourbon Street That's one of my favorite By the way one of my favorite New Orleans memories ever Yeah that was super fun Do you remember how it happened? I was walking down the street And I just heard someone screaming At him And normally I wouldn't turn around But like for whatever reason And I was like I go hey it's Adam And they said do you know him?
And I said yeah He may not remember me But I do know him And they're like Say something And I go Adam it's Bert I'm a comedian And they're like The Machine And I went Oh shit You remember me And then we came up and partied And that was the day We were shooting the first episode The next season We were shooting the next episode You were with your girlfriend And you were buying sneakers Yeah that's right And we saw you again And everyone was like This guy's good luck charm Every time we see him We get another season Yeah so we were like Fuck And then we never saw you again So it's kind of on you Yeah that's my bad Chevy Camaro Super Sport Right when we got workaholics I bought the new car Did the thing And then I still drive that car Yeah Like it's like 12 years old 13 years old now And I'm like I fucking like driving it I don't really I don't care too much about cars But I do care to be a nice one Yeah but I don't like I'm not like a big car guy I never know what to get I always text Tom Me too I was like Yeah I was like I never know what to buy And in fact I just got it I was like I want an SUV So I got the Porsche Cayenne Like Sport And I fucking hate it Oh for real? I hate it dude I'm like I always have shit on me And I'm like There's no place to put It's like It's for people that like to drive And I'm like Well I also like to drive And have a place to put my shit I saw a rich person one time Buy three Suburbans I remember I knew this rich person And he just bought three Suburbans And I said what's that for He goes I don't know I just I like them They're nice cars They're really comfortable And I just know that Like I've got one My wife's got one If our assistant needs one It's just And they're three identical Suburbans I thought it was a gangster fucking move I was like That would be cool to be able to buy three Suburbans And then if you Yeah because if you know you like it There's no You're like Well this I know I like this I always go to Suburbans When it comes to a car I go Like I had this I had this little fucking In the summer I was like I'm gonna buy a sports car I'm gonna buy a sports car And have a sports car for the summer Like have it for the summer And I was home for three months And I texted Don And I got so lost in the fucking details I was like I don't want it anymore It's fucking stupid It's a waste of goddamn money Takes the fun out of it I spend my money I spend my money on stuff To make my tour easier on me That's it Yeah I like like traveling easy I like you know Like having a car service Taking around If I'm gonna be drinking or whatever That's perfect I'd say what I wouldn't mind doing Is getting a fucking Sprinter van And having a driver for a Sprinter van That'd be nice It'd be cool to have like A driver all the time And he's just ready to go That'd be sick You know what the best move for that is Get your chick pregnant Then they drive all the time Because they can't drink That's what I did Smart dude That's smart Bro thank you for doing this I really appreciate it I will say it a million times It's so much fun watching you succeed Thanks man you too I like it's It's just as cool You've always been the nicest fucking guy Even when you didn't need to be Even like You've always just been a generous cool dude I love that good things happen to you. Oh, Bert, I love you, buddy. Thanks, man.
Bye, brother. Bert, Tom, Tom, and Bert. One goes hot to swap, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories, and Bert's a machine.
There's not a chance in hell, but they will keep the queen. Here's what we call Two Bears 1K. No scripts of it, booze, amateur of apology. Dirty jokes, raunchy humor, no apologies.
Here's what we call Two Bears 1K.