Mating Crisis Exposed: Why Men & Women Can’t Find Love | Stephan Speaks (Replay)

What's up, guys? I'm really excited to have relationship experts Defon speaks joining me for this episode He is a best-selling author and speaker who has captured the attention of hundreds of millions of men and women on his YouTube channel by helping them find and maintain healthier relationships Defon and I had a ton of chemistry together and I think this episode is fantastic and today we're talking all about how men attract high-value women the importance of not being shamed by the internet standards of dating and the Android tape phenomenon I hope you guys enjoyed listening to this episode as much as I enjoyed recording it and if you do please leave a review It really is the best way to support the podcast so that we can have other people just like you reach their potential and be legendary I'm Tom Villu and welcome to Impact Theory Stefan speaks welcome to the show. Thank you for having me. I'm excited to have you man I've seen all the stuff that you've done with Lisa on women of impact and I want to get into Modern dating what's happening now as somebody who's been in my marriage now for 20 years.

It's like it's a real thing Thank you. So guys that are going after high-value women and are struggling to get them. What are they doing wrong? Are they chasing too much?

They're not chasing enough. What should they be doing? Well, I think the first thing might be highly defined high-value women, okay You know and so I think some men maybe placing value in the wrong things and the high-value woman to a lot of men is about how attractive she is And though of course, I believe attraction is extremely important You can't overlook that I do think something get blinded by it and it causes them to overlook other important issues and potential red flags within this woman Which sets them up for a lot of failure But so depending on how we define it I do think there's there's become sort of a pop culture way of the funny and one of the things I want to talk to you about is not Andrew Tate, but the Andrew Tate phenomenon So he's speaking to something that caught me off guard So the young men that you see on the other side of this camera were they were asking me if I knew who he was I was like, I have no idea who that is like you should really listen to him And then I listen to him when I was mortified and they were like, but look how big he is And so it he's speaking to something that is it was very surprising to me And so the idea of a high-value woman as it's being talked about in culture now Can you give us like a quick primer on that and then what it is about that that you think Culture is getting right and what is culture getting wrong? Well, I think so to be completely honest I haven't gotten the full definition of high-value women from the internet because I've heard different things So there hasn't been this consensus that I have yet to hear now I from looking at it from the Andrew Tate perspective I do believe it includes things like a woman who doesn't have much of a past, you know Someone who has a lot of sexual partners.

Yes, not a lot of sexual partners It's some of these guys know no sexual partners at all seems to be the requirement now Someone of course who was attractive then of course I know the one consensus is her being feminine or what they say is co-operative being willing to miss that word Yes, they use the word cooperative. Yes So I think those are some of the ingredients to high-value women that they're proposing now I think we can look at high-value women also from the perspective of because so before Andrew Tate There was Kevin Samuels and he kind of got the term high-value really going on the internet in today's culture And so one of the things some of me and my colleagues discuss was that you can look at high-value as the individuals who Have the doors open easier for them to the opposite sex All right now the thing is if you look at it that way it really separates the fact that high value does not equate to good person It's not an automatic thing because a woman could be extremely beautiful and have doors open for her everywhere But it doesn't mean she's a good person. It doesn't mean she's gonna be a good partner All right, so again, it depends on where men are placing their value But if we just go with the feminine cooperative looks good doesn't have a past things of that nature I think for a lot of men what's what they're going wrong is that they are not figuring out the life They want to live first so one of the dangers of what's happening on the internet in my opinion today Is this constant push of where you have to make X amount of money to be somebody to make X amount of money to get this great woman? And yes finances play a significant role in relationships We can't deny that and women desire financial stability.

However, if that doesn't align with who you are as a man You're asking for trouble So it's like a guy has to be real with himself if he's a simple living guy and would be happy just let's just say I'm throwing out the numbers 60,000 a year But he lives in the town where 60,000 gets him by perfectly fine has a roof over his head food on his plate And he can find him a partner who loves him who he aligns with and can be happy with He doesn't need to push to that higher over six figure level because people don't understand as a sacrifice that comes with that And everyone's not wired for that and even when you're looking from the woman from the what you're looking for in a woman perspective Some of these men want this extremely beautiful woman But can you handle that does she fit your lifestyle because if you're a frugal man For example, and this very beautiful woman likes spending money That's gonna be a huge conflict in your relationship And so you have some men who go out of their way to impress this type of woman to capture her attention But they're not really being honest about the fact that they can't sustain this And then when they can't sustain it and she starts to feel some kind of way and get mad Well now it's women are on grave for women are dismissed like wait a minute. You sold her on something that you can't keep up It's almost like if you got with a woman and she started having sex with you and she was yours bonafide freak She did everything you wanted right and you loved it and then two months in it was like oh no I can't keep doing that that's too much I just did that to make you happy and to get you but now that I got you it's done You would be pissed off So I think a lot of men are not defining what kind of life they really want to live what kind of like they can sustain Which then will determine what kind of woman fits into their life and then whether she's considered high value or not by society She will be high-value to you because she will be able to bring you happiness in peace Okay So it sounds like you're coming at this from a different angle and I think it's worth really certain to tease these ideas out So we have what and this is how it feels from the outside culture is painting a picture of what relationships are that I think is this functional at the level of definition and that if you accept their definition you're you're headed to misery So I would say at the cultural level the idea of the the popular way that the quote unquote Manosphere paints this picture whether it's Tate or fresh and fit all the things that my team is It's adversarial. Yeah, and my thing is the reason my marriage works is that it's not adversarial. Look at each other like real partners and equals Now we have very different skill sets.

I think men and women are very different temperamentally on average Of course, they're they're overlapping averages. So at the extremes gets very different in the middle There's a lot of overlap So you might have a woman who is more masculine than a lot of guys You might have a guys more feminine than a lot of women But nonetheless when you take it all on average you're better off betting that a guy will be more traditionally Masking on the more traditional feminine So at least understandings where the natural leanings can be very helpful But we don't see ourselves as adversarial. So that's one of these things where I think that it's important to your point to get the definitions Right to figure out okay What is it that I value in a woman and then or maybe even a relationship is a more important way to think about it And then they're gonna be traits that a woman will bring into the relationship the relationship is the thing that you share and so understanding how each of the people are going to React in the sort of chemical soup that is a relationship becomes really important But then there's this new idea that you're introducing which is that you also have to be honest about not averages and all of that But what are you like very specifically which is I talk a lot about your goal makes demands So if you want to be a gold medalist in the summer Olympics for swimming then you're gonna have to practice swimming a lot You're gonna have to be a certain way all that Yeah, and so if you want the $60,000 lifestyle and you're looking for a low maintenance life You're gonna need somebody that's low maintenance by nature That's gonna make demands on the pool of women that you pursue Yeah, that's very interesting So now we have if you agree that we need to be thoughtful about how we define value Compatibility whatever words we're using need to be thoughtful about that But then we also have to realize that there is no one-size-fits-all and so we don't know what we're going for Yeah, because I mean at the end of the day again There's a lot of men aspiring or buying into what the internet is selling them when it's not really true to who they are Why do they fall prey to that because I think there's a reason well I think they fall prey because they don't really ought to begin with and so what cues are they picking up on just what their friends tell them it's cool Well, I think so it's a combination of yes They're picking up on what society friends but also the other side of it is men are being shamed sometimes for not Aspiring to that higher level. So basically if you don't want that six figures Well, what's wrong with you?

You're not good You're weak you're this if you want love You know a lot of men are not honest about how much they want a relationship and value having a woman in their life Because they don't want to be called a simp or they don't want to be made of they look at as a beta male or something And it's like so people are not being true to who they are and what they truly desire and they're letting the internet fool Them because the crazy part is the internet stuff doesn't represent the majority What people fail to understand is a lot of the content that is being put out there is based on the idea that these women want this high Value man who is a part of at most ten percent. I don't think it's ten percent three percent of men out there So are you really trying to strive to be that three percent? Everyone can't be that three percent. There's nothing wrong with that.

We're not all built to be that again You may not be happy like we have to understand even in business There's moments where you could do some things and make you a lot more money But then you have to ask yourself is the sacrifice worth it is the extra headache worth it is the extra content I have to push out there worth it Do I want to lose my peace of mind for these extra dollars and sometimes you realize no again whether it's because you just don't aspire So you're just not wired for that. You don't find your happiness there like there was a I was a Chinese proverb or something, but there was a story I saw an internet where there's this rich guy He sees this man in this Village right and the guy's like fishing every day goes out to fish and whatever and so the guy's like well Why don't you build your business and do all these things and long story short the village guy was just like so you're doing all this work For what so you can one day be free so you can fish and have free time like me. I already have that I don't need to do all this Extra, I'm happy where I am so I just think that people aren't taking time to know themselves are letting this idea of feeling shame Or being guilted into thinking they have to do it a certain kind of way really confuse them and also because again people are not considering What is the sacrifice that comes with trying to acquire certain things so another analogy? I like to use is like everyone wants a really nice car So there's tons of people who want let's say a Rolls Royce But are you gonna be happy making that payment?

Are you gonna be happy with the maintenance? Are you gonna be happy with the attention that you might get in this card? It isn't what you really think is going to be some of you will realize that it's not worth it at that point and you'll be happier in your Corolla you'll be happier in your your central whatever you know I'm gonna bleed you though until I try it. This is this is one of the things that is utterly fascinating about money So money's super powerful It's more powerful than most people think but it's it can't touch your sense of self Which is what they think it will do they think it will make them feel cool and it won't yeah part of what I think is going on In a modern dating environment so one what you put your finger on seems very true to me that society is celebrating certain things And you want to do the things that some society celebrates Yes, it feels good to be in alignment with that but the other part is a hot girl trigger something in your limbic brain Like dude, I am captain faithful and I know that my life will watch this interview So I want everybody be very comfortable with everything I'm about to say but I'm captain faithful It matters to me a lot to run So we all get one life the experiment that I'm running as what does your life look like when you share it with one person?

And so that that's the whole thing so it doesn't mean that I'm not attracted to other people I am a hundred percent I've always been honest with my wife about that But dude when you see an attractive young woman it grabs a part of your brain and yes I mean brain and it squeezes it and it just like it it has your attention in really hard way And I've had those moments where I'm like wow I actually get how people that can't control their emotions get themselves in trouble because I give a Sam Harris that pointed something out and They were debating about who has more power men or women and if it wasn't Sam forgive me Sam But I was where he was like hold on a minute I'm not sure that there's as much discrepancy and power as people think you could never get a woman to throw away her life on a man because he looked good But you can get a billionaire to throw away a 30-year marriage kids ever for sex And so I think going back to what's happening now is This starts to get complicated any second where you like that doesn't make sense to me by only jump in okay, but you've got this Society has stopped reinforcing traditional male values being a traditional guy has become very found a pran. It's toxic masculinity There's no thing for people look up to we have a fatherless crisis The number of young men having sex is plummeting While we very much needed to get out of the toxic soup that was Harvey Weinstein and all that now There's like a lot of fear in the mix as well Like if I make the wrong like when I think about how I hit on my wife for the first time would never do that now Yeah, but it ended up getting me my wife and it was quite playful But it just it was too it was yeah It was walking a fine line and that's what made it enticing to her But it's if it had been a miss if I had misread the woman that was receptive to that it would have been bad So you get this milieu now where guys are just like they're they're pulling out of the race, right? and You get part of the the tape phenomenon again. I'm not interested in the person.

I'm interested in the phenomenon. Yeah part of that phenomenon is just Be a man be hard stand up take care of yourself be a badass be dominant be aggressive and all the sudden the things you've always secretly Not secretly you have a biological imperative to find that interesting So the second somebody presents that it's like ooh like that feels better than this fearful anxiety ridden vibe That I've been sitting in growing up without a strong role model all of a sudden somebody in a Instagram filtered, you know Life is showing me money emotional stability dominance like all these things that I want to be and then they're telling me and this is the relationship that You should have with women so it's like wow that actually does sound a lot better. I'd be dominant. She's submissive She's beautiful no past all of that and coupled with and I need to make money and all this so it's it's a whole dream That's sold and it has enough real hooks that people go for it going back to money People will always step on and I mean always pursue fame and money no matter how many people get ruined by fame and money People will still pursue it and so I was like why and the answer is because fame and money are real They're useful.

Yeah, money is the great facilitator. You can build anything you want you can get Anybody to do anything within their code of ethics I think we'd all agree with that if you pay them enough money and it's within their It's so I won't say some people I'm sure will do things outside of their code of ethics But even set that aside, but for the right amount of money if the thing you want to do is honorable you can get people just do it Man, it's really incredible and it's quite beautiful to be honest impact There he has has come about and help millions of people because I had the capital to see it through amazing fame is influenced So people want to help you they want to be around you. They want to do things for you There's a dark side to both, but like there's enough real there that people are always going for it And so when you paint this picture which given the certainly the state of masculinity There's enough real hooks in it that you can then also set them up for catastrophic failure in their relationships Because you make it adversarial. Yeah, and I think so there's a few ways a few things I want to talk about with that Let's talk about what is going on in your closet this time of year Most people realize half of what they own isn't even worth keeping things that look fine in the store But they don't hold up pieces you keep but never reach for I know that one all too well spring is when you see it all clearly You don't need more you need better.

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That's Blinkist dot com slash impact start learning aggressively today. It will change your life Let's talk about who's profiting from your personal information someone is making money from your data every single day You just don't see the transaction data brokers collect your personal information and sell it for profit your address your phone number your email your social security number yikes It's bought and sold constantly without your knowledge or consent scammers buy it for identity theft Spammers buy it for targeted harassment criminals buy it to find you and the crazy part is it's completely legal The solution is incogny incogny tracks down your data across hundreds of data broker sites and removes it automatically You authorize them once they handle everything else they remove your data and keep it removed with repeated requests plus with custom removals You send them any link where your data appears and their team will remove it They can't harm you if they can't find you go to incogny dot com slash impact and use code impact for 60% off an annual plan Try it risk-free for 30 days. That's I n C O G n I dot com slash impact and use code impact one I do think as far as it being adversarial the problem is that men are not being taught balance So I balance meaning it's this hyper masculine be all these things But the reality is that if you want a healthy relationship you have to tap into your feminine energy We all possess it. We all have feminine and masculine I look at it as we all have testosterone and estrogen plain and simple and to be able to be loving compassionate things that you need for a healthy Relationship you have to consider the balance that comes with it.

So it reminds me of the fact though Have you ever read the book the game by Neil Strauss? No, but I know of it well enough that okay So, you know, he was a he became a pick up artist and he learned how to get all these women in bed I interviewed Neil. Oh, you did not for that though for the post okay transition that he goes on and so in the book He explains how he reaches the point And this is what I believe is the problem and why I'm starting to do more content for men because no matter how much These men can even get into a mindset of okay I'm gonna sleep around and do this and do that almost every man if not every man will have a point in his life where he meets a woman that makes him say this is the one I want and now what happens is and what happened to Neil was that he was so Used to using his tips and tricks for picking up women. It wasn't working on the woman that he wanted So for example, you know one of the techniques is nagging so that the backhand compliments, right?

And so though that does elicit a reaction out of a woman at that moment You're essentially planting a seed of insecurity of doubt of fear that if you try to have a relationship with her It's going to cause a problem So a lot of these men don't understand the balance of yes walk in your masculine But you have to be able to tap into your friend into where you can bring love and safety and security to your partner And again be honest with yourself about what do you really want because no matter what? Personality on the internet is claiming this that the other will you be happy with that in the long term? There's a lot of people like I believe there's guys out there who are just relationship guys They just want relationship. They don't care to be sleeping around dating this one in that one They want stability those men need to be honest with themselves now There are some in out there who they enjoy having variety and being around okay That's your choices in adult male and you're being honest with these women cool I just don't want people out there lying and playing games if you're being clear and honest so be it But there's so many more men I believe who are the relationship guys who just want that woman?

They can be with and share life with I think another thing to consider is that when we talk about how less men now Yes, let's young men are having sex and they're not going after the women like they used to and I do believe the whole you know The me too thing impacted men being willing and brave enough in certain ways to approach women I think a huge issue that we're overlooking is the lack of testosterone in them and so like the actual literal decline Yes, so from my understanding I don't have the exact stats But I know I've seen the research that says we now have 20 year old men whose testosterone rivals a 60 year old male back in the 60 Legitimately terrible okay, and that these are the lowest levels of testosterone ever so bad that the old scale of a healthy male used to be 500 to 900 I believe that was in the 60s as well as about right now They've dropped it to 300 to 800 well because they're accommodating the lower levels But the problem is they're making you think it's normal so you go to the doctor and you find out you're 320 He's like oh, you're fine You don't need any help any other time in history you'd be chronically Exactly exactly and testosterone in the lifeblood of masculinity to me because that's what you gain if you fix your hormones And you fix your health you'll become more focused you'll become more driven you'll become more assertive You know you will have more confidence to approach women plus your drive and desire for women will increase because that testosterone that libido has increased Now, I think also another issue is point All right I think point has really Decentatized a lot of men and again has taken the fire out of a lot of them because now when you have those natural urges and desires You can just go to your computer before you had to figure out how to talk to a woman like you had no choice I didn't just talk to her. This is really interesting. You had to find a way to impress her Yes, you had to become worthy. Yes sex, which is a big used to be a big barrier to entry Yes, absolutely And that's that's also why I think we've seen such a decline in marriage rates as well because once upon a time That was the place you're gonna get consistent sex And so you had to build yourself up as a man But now again you have so many other outlets dating has made it easier porn has made it easier And then again you already have men who are not as healthy as they used to be so they naturally lack a drive Within them to make things happen.

So I think it's all these things together are causing a problem But to get back to your point about it being adversarial what they're hearing about right now I think the unfortunate truth. There's two unfortunate truth if I'm gonna keep it real one I think there's a lot of men on the internet who are speaking out of a lack of healing and bitterness And so they're adversarial because their mindset is I'm gonna make these women pay for overlooking me I'm gonna make them pay for not choosing me or choosing this guy over me or there's a recent phenomenon So what would lead that to be the thing now? I don't think it's a recent phenomenon I think the recent phenomenon is the monetization of it So men have always there's always been men who felt like that But now they figured out that you can go on YouTube and channel that energy into a show Just you know going at women making women look stupid all these different things and the men who are dwelling in their own Lack of healing are drawn to that and and they love it. It feeds them at that moment You know and so again, it's not to say every last guy in the net comes from that You know that's what's going on with them But I do believe it's happening to that's what's the issues with a lot of them is and they're speaking to the deeper hurts within those other men And that's why so them being adversarial is due to them still holding on to the hurt They've experienced from broken hearts from childhood from all types of things that have now Just detach them from being willing to embrace love in a way that's healthy and can build something special Do you use your single?

Yes, do you use dating apps? I don't yeah, see that's interesting I don't know that I would either for many many years when people ask like Tom I know you're married But if you weren't like what would you do? What's the most efficient way to find a girlfriend and the more I started researching? What's going on in modern dating and all that the more I'm like?

I'm not sure that I would use dating apps because I think there is I think there is something unique happening right now That is at least in part driven by dating app social media technology in general, which is you now have a global market You now have basically the Pareto principle playing out because the it the stat goes something like the bottom 80% of men are competing for the Top 20 But so the idea being that you have a whole lot of women that are only interested in a very narrow band of men And you have a whole lot of men that are very interested in a very small number of women and so When you have the hyper successful guys, so the current era is very beneficial for a minority of guys who are loving this moment They're like what do you mean? What's the problem? I understand because they're getting laid left right and center Yes, the problem is I actually think it becomes problematic for them in a way that they're not going to realize until they get older Which is that certainly in my experience and I've had some amazing sex But nothing beats being with somebody who who just knows you inside now And when the world rocks you and you're doubting yourself and you don't know what the hell you're gonna do They pick you back up to your feet They brush you off and they give you the jerry Maguire speech like you've got this you're gonna pull it off I know it and I'm here with you and even if you fail I'm right or die to the end and that their every behavior tells you that really is true That that just outshines especially if it's coupled with great sex that outshines the variety and all that stuff But anyway for them It's it's gonna seem like this is a winning strategy But you get these guys that haven't healed to use your language that are they're devastated they feel overlooked and the advice they would have gotten When if they grew up when I grew up was they're just not that into you get better go to the gym Push yourself if women are into looks money status I think that's the the trifecta for the black pill community if that's what they're into then max those stats out Yeah, but there's something now that's happening where? It's become Reinforced within these groups and again, I'm gonna go to technology where now people that are bitter and angry about it They can find the other people that are bitter and angry they can create a supportive community supportive quotes They create their own supportive community They create norms within their community where it's like no no you shouldn't be striving to get better Like basically you should just sit and be angry about this and so that's what they're reinforcing each other and much like when a Heavy set woman loses weight women will often turn on her if those guys Try to start getting better than they get turned on by their own group And so it's one of the things that I love about social media is you can find your people no matter what no matter What your thing is you can find your people but you can also find people that are gonna hold you back while supporting you It's really interesting and I think that so they do strive to get better so to speak I think the problem is the mentality is get better simply for self It's more of a selfish thing rather than what I can then bring to a partner What I can then give to my community what I can serve on a higher level than just me I do think that's important because again If it's done in this very selfish me me way How are you gonna be able to come together with someone and have this healthy relationship?

I think they're the balance that we have to strike that we have to understand that healthy happy success relationship is two people pouring into Each other all right you have to have your own foundation You do have to be about that more because that would be my one pushback which part the point into each other or the You have to have your own foundation because I don't think people can pour into somebody else if they're still a mess Yes, so that's my point so I so I view having your own foundation as so let's focus on men one I think it's healing yourself I don't think enough men are getting the help they need to heal from past issues What does that look like that looks like a facing the hurts that you've been holding on to okay? So I know your drill about who hurt me mm-hmm for people that don't know quick primer right I'm people to hurt you so exactly make a piece paper right down the words who hurt me ask yourself that question Everyone who comes to mind put them on the paper trying to get them to take responsibility to let it go like No, I'm trying to get them to release it So essentially look at it like this emotions are trapped energy with fitness when we don't let it out all right Whether that be hurt anger anxiety whatever the case it is and even speaking our truth when we when we suppress anything We're gonna cause problems So a lot of men have not learned how to handle and process their emotions They suppress and now that suppression is causing all kinds of other problems You know recently I I'm a firm believer that I stand on the idea that women are more emotionally driven than men And I'll get pushback sometimes and we'll say oh no men are just as emotional and it's like no men have maybe greater emotional outbursts All right greater bouts of being angry or very passionate because they suppress so much that when it finally comes Out it comes out very strong. However, they're not as emotionally driven in their decision making It's very different and so as men we have to learn to release these things and also understand how to process the things that have happened to us because We internalize certain rejections. We internalize certain hurts and now that's what's affecting that man self-esteem Are you trying to clear the pipes so that the emotions don't get bottled up?

Yes, it's all about really so look at it like an emotional detox We're trying to flush out all of that negative energy that you've been holding on to because again What skills that can give them it's gonna bring to a relationship Okay, what it will give them more clarity and ability to be in tune with their partner because the reality is that we struggle to sometimes embrace Our partner is feeling because we're caught up in our phone feelings about things All right, and because we're holding on to that fear of maybe well last time I was vulnerable with a woman look how it backfired on me So that's a perfect example. There's a lot of men on the internet now who will say men should not be vulnerable with a woman I dispute that I think you need to be vulnerable because you will expose what kind of woman she is can she handle you in your vulnerable moments Or not but also as men we have to understand there's a difference between being vulnerable and being emotionally unstable, right? So I'm gonna ask you there's vulnerability done well and vulnerability done. Exactly.

So it's almost like a Looking at a child. There's one child who comes to you. They're having a hurtful moment They're sad and they tell you how they feel. There's a other child who's being frantic all emotional whining and they're not even receiving what you have to say That's what some men are doing and they don't realize it But then it goes further because they'll say well this woman is judging me because I had this moment no She's judging because you keep dwelling in this moment.

So for example, I had a trainer And he told me how a friend of a female friend of his told him that she left her man after he lost his job And I said wait a minute that doesn't sound right. She really left after he got fired like immediately he gets fired She drops him. I said I think this is missing some details. Tell me what's going on So he said well no what she told him was he lost the job and then for the next month or so all he did was wine And moped and he did not look for another job.

I said that's why you were he remained in this weak mindset This week's state of mind that does not it's not attractive to a woman and he was not receiving any of her encouragement He was not doing anything to better himself. That was the problem Not the moment of vulnerability not the moment of losing his job the dwelling in it And so when we learn how to heal we learn how to do not dwelling these things any longer All right, we learn how to take the hit and get right back up because now once we've processed things and understand that life is so much Bigger than this was just all about us what people hurt us is that whole hurt people hurt people think and they're taking their hurt out on us But it's it's a reflection of the deeper issues within them And whether you realize they're not as a man or a woman if you don't resolve your hurt You're going to hurt people whether it's yourself people who are trying to love you Whoever you're gonna pass it on so which goes back to what the benefit is in a relationship when you have not healed You are more than likely going to either hurt this woman in some way that maybe not blatantly intentional But in your trying to protect yourself and your emotion you will shut her out You will make her feel more detached or you will make her feel devalued in the relationship You have to be able to be vulnerable and open if you truly want to come together with a woman and have something successful because remember women need security And that's not just we always think about financial But it's emotional too, and how can she feel emotionally secure with a man who seems so closed off who won't let her in? You see so that's where healing is going to help not to mention healing helps because a lot of men are choosing women based out of their heart Meaning I've had men where they were with a beautiful woman and things went wrong And again, there's this natural inclination when we get hurt to just think it was all about them They were the bad guy they did it and not consider what we could have done better in this situation Well, these guys get hurt and you know what happens they say I'm never dating a beautiful woman again. All right, so now they will intentionally choose a less attractive woman Not because he's truly in love with her truly in turn because it feels safer here And he feels like okay, well she'll worship the ground I walk on so I don't have to worry about being as vulnerable as I was last time Where I was devastated because she never reciprocated eventually so it creates a dynamic where people start to choose individuals who feel safe But aren't really best for them.

It's interesting that's complicated because I think sexual market value matters Yes I think if you're way outside of your sexual market value or if your sexual market value is for something else so being old and rich It's now and you're with a young beautiful woman that she is predicated on your money man and on her side is predicated on her youth Grant is like god, but this terrible. I want to straight too far from foundations. Okay, so I'll just let me write that down There's a difference between you operating in the sexual marketplace where you can find your happiness And you choosing what's safe because you fear being vulnerable. Yes, that's the difference You know I'm saying so there is a point where like you could have you could get yourself into a position where now It's like I really do feel insecure with the beautiful woman You mean just that your sexual market value has gotten out of kilter because it can happen to the woman it can happen to the man And so it's interesting like when I even think about this with my wife I I've really run the thought experiment of there are things that I do that are part of the value I bring to my marriage and what would happen if I either couldn't do them anymore or I start making mistakes over and over and I don't How to fix it?

I thought wow like my wife would give me a lot of leeway. We have a lot of years But like at some point there would be like hey things have really gotten out of bounds here It's interesting. I don't think my wife and I would break up or anything But it yeah, when I think about hey, I have to be thoughtful about that like I need to continue You can't stop performing like there is a point at which life is a combination Of intention and results. Yes, and good intentions get you a long way They really do but they don't get you all the way there like at some point anyway I want to get back to foundation So we've got healing got to do it clear the pipes out emotional stability one of the most amazing things you've said the difference between vulnerability and being emotionally unstable Yeah, that right there if you need to write that down on that that that's huge Okay, so but we've got a guy now that he's gonna go on the healing journey so that he can be emotionally available What else is part of that foundation?

Okay to me the next part is financial stability now I have heard you say that people shouldn't date unless they're finding a guy shouldn't date unless he's financially stable exactly exactly the comment section Just live on fire And I won't tell anymore is that fine like would I define financial stability as you can take care of yourself? Okay, here's the reason why I think a lot of people don't understand the long-term ramifications of missing somebody steps So if you're a guy and you're not financially stable is it possible to get a woman who loves you? Yes, the problem is a lot of men are wired to where they do what they have to do to get what they want to get If they're already getting it, they will no longer do it so so interesting you mentioned that earlier I really think this is worth hammering home. Yes guys have people gonna hate this But it's true guys have conquered worlds to impress women everything I've ever done since I met Lisa has been to impress her As hard as I work the great irony is that So I think you you were on red table talk so this is public so something you and I've not discussed But interesting thing about will and Jada will was talking about he built this huge mansion And he did it for Jada and Jada looked at him was like no you did that for you and my wife was like Oh, you need to hear this like how important like like she doesn't need that from him She loves him anyway, and I was like you need to slow fuck down I was like let me tell you right now.

I'm doing this all for you And if you throw that back in my face and are like I don't need this. I don't care You're not giving me an outlet. I I am hardwired to It's part of the disposable male hypothesis I am here to protect to defend the group to defend you to defend my children like it is in me Yeah, there's nothing you're gonna be able to do to strip that other than lower people Microplastics, but like in in a good state that that makes it all matter to me. So Did you ask me to do it?

No, did you want a guy that was ambitious? Yes? So you have intentionally gotten with a guy and in her case I told her you can ask me to give anything up And I'll do it but not my ambition I don't know who I am without it and I don't want to know and so now it's like hey I'm going to go to war. I want to go to war for you And the second that she snubs that and is like oh don't think that you're working this hard for me Yes, now you you may be saying I need more in the relationship And so you can't lose yourself to the ambition You can't only pursue the ambition because then you're you are doing it for me and you're doing it in my name But you're not actually giving me a gift that I can receive.

Yeah, so it's like okay complex But very important. Okay, so now going back to you can't skip this step. You need to get financially Stable one. I don't think you said it out loud, but I've heard you say before I think it's important for you to say you're not saying rich Exactly.

I'm not saying rich Just being able to take care of yourself You can take care of your own bills if you didn't have anyone else you'd be able to live your life and be okay That way you're not walking into a relationship as any kind of burden to that woman But also again as I mentioned because a lot of men are wired to where they will not do it Unless they have to and this woman takes out a time where they have not achieved that stability A lot of men didn't fall off at that point and they get comfortable with the fact that she's holding them up Now she's only holding you up with the hope that you will finally get yourself together and even surpass Maybe even what you were thinking But if you guys are in alignment with that understanding it can create a huge problem The other aspect to consider is that and here's the other reason why it's still dangerous even when she is she genuinely loves you and wants to work with you You run the risk of her struggling to ever fully respect you because in her mind I made you I built you you are nothing without me All right, a woman needs to revere the man She's she needs to have a level of respect for him And if she feels like you could not do this without her, it's going to be a struggle So this is where you're on that point for a second. Yeah, no problem. Okay I agree with you that a man should become a certain level of capable Yes before he gets in relationship now when I met Lisa She didn't have a job so fair. She was being taken care of by her father I didn't exactly have a good job, but I had a job But then while we were engaged I didn't have a job and she did and she was the only one making money And I slid into a really dark place and so I wasn't doing much of anything and it really became a friction point Cutting a very long story short.

I get my act together. I become the person that people know today. I become hyper successful There was a moment in there though where I realized I wouldn't have become who I became if it wasn't for her And there is a phrase that I am going to guess is very out of vogue now But when she said it, I was like, oh my god, that's brilliant. It's from the movie My big fat Greek wedding which was the man is the head and the woman is the neck And I was like, oh my god, that's my marriage and I'm the one that's ambitious I'm going after this out of the other but my wife through wifley means can incentivize pursuing certain things and not others And so she has been very good at harnessing my drive intelligence desire all of that to You know, hey, have you thought about going in and pushing for this or hey You should really ask for that or make this demand or whatever and so really pushed me to be a tougher more aggressive Better version of myself and when it was all said and done and and we you know were Adorned and worldly success.

I broke down in tears and was like this is before she really stepped into her own I was like the world's never going to understand that I wouldn't be who I am without you and That was useful for me and for her. It was useful for me to realize I'm not an island I didn't do this by myself that I had help But I felt comfortable saying that because I'm a warrior and I don't need her to you know Tell me do this out of the other but she made me better. So here's the difference She inspires you she activated things within you that you already possessed She may have helped add a level of perspective. All right, and again got your fire going That's very different from the woman and let's use a very simple example She gets this gets with this man.

He doesn't have a job right now She's the one going online putting in his resumes. She's the one making the phone calls She's doing everything guys. So she literally is making him Lisa wasn't my mother My wife there you go and that's the huge difference And that's why I say you know it is there's exceptions to every rule and that's why a man has to just understand okay And I'll flip it for a second. I tell women if you're gonna get with a man when he's not financially stable The question is what is his character if his character is in place and he's a man that you know Is willing to put in the work and do what he needs to do?

But yes, it might be that you help with some things here and there But he will actually make the efforts cool But if you are dragging this man to the finish line, that's a problem. All right, but then here's another risk that people don't consider Some women only get with the guy who's not stable yet not out of some genuine love but out of power and control Because now she feels here. I have an upper hand and it's safer here So to give an example, I bet this one guy spoke on this panel many years ago And he said when he got with his wife or now ex-wife Um, he was broke, you know, she was one of the work with him So for the first few years she was paying for everything But he got himself together and became very successful And in his mind, it was like, you know, you held me down all these years. I want to take care of you He said when he started paying the bills and doing things for her, she was like, what are you doing?

She became very uncomfortable It actually started to cause conflict in the relationship because her intention was to hang on to that power And now she felt like she doesn't have that upper hand anymore And now she starts to feel insecure like well, now he can get a better woman. Why does he want me? And and now that starts to play a negative role in the relationship So the problem is again, it isn't to say there aren't genuine situations you help that woman How would I help that woman? Yeah, she comes to you.

You know the whole story. He rises up. It's amazing She's now getting insecure. Let's say they came to you for Effectively therapy.

I know you get the idea. Uh, what would you tell her? So the first thing we would do is focus on What what hurt is she holding on to because no one behaves like that if they're healed That's plain and simple and this is again. Why healing is so important because it will rear its ugly head in relationships at some point one or another And some people can survive it.

Most people do not and so it would be a focus on all right Let's get to the root of why did you even feel the need to have this control? Why are you so scared? What what were you heard from that you have not released and addressed? But here's the unfortunate truth that would also come out Because a lot of people choose the wrong person to be with because they haven't healed And that's why when some people do get healed while they're in a relationship, they start to realize oh snap This isn't this person isn't for me.

I don't want this anymore You know, not that I'm finally tapping into my true self I now realize we're not in alignment with each other We never were but I was able to hide behind all these other things and distractions and rationalize why I should be here because again It felt safer because remember when I use the word safer what I'm saying is this relationship does not require my full vulnerability Because I'm not into them like that. They don't do it for me like that But we're with someone that we're really into that pulls everything out All right and and the couples who learn how to handle and embrace that can go on to have an amazing relationship But many because they have not healed will run from that So there's tons of people who meet the right person but because they haven't healed they can't handle the relationship and they sabotage it They find something wrong with it. I just talked to another guy the other day He was on the verge of getting engaged and the woman said I can't do this I I've never been treated like this before. I don't know how I can handle it.

I just make a lot of treatment Yeah, he tried he treated her amazing She just waiting for the other shooter from yes, exactly because when you have already been through all kinds of disappointments and hurts You just are used to negative. You're like, no, this guy must be setting me up for something wrong Something's gonna happen. He's treating me nice now to be abusive later That's literally what some will think because they cannot process this being real and genuine because they're holding on to all that negative energy And again, it happens to men as well I would argue it happens to women more than it happens to men The idea of letting that fear sabotage a relationship but it can happen on both sides But back to the point of being stable and the fact that some people are just getting together because it feels safe That's the reason why I think as a man by creating that financial stability You at least minimize all those things all those concerns I just mentioned So you're coming in having a foundation that she can respect So now it's easier for her to view you as a man who has the character of putting in the work and can do more So now she can be your magnifier not the creator of your life All right, and as you kind of mentioned she's not your mother now. She's your partner A lot of women are with men when they're the mother playing the symbol So how do you think about partnerships between men and women?

Do you think it matters who leads do you think it matters like they at home dads like does do you think that there's Are there roles in general? Obviously averages averages that that will serve us Absolutely 100% I and some people don't like this But I'm be honest I believe one demand should be the leader of the house and I believe then what does that mean? Because I doubt you mean he tells you what to do exactly that simply means It's almost like being the team captain of a basketball team All right, he may be making the final decisions We're gonna go with his vision and his plan But a smart leader considers what his team has to say So a man a smart man a smart husband is going to consider the perspective of his wife You cannot not include her in the process. That's gonna cause a lot of problems I also think that when we understand the the strengths of men and women Here's how I look at it I view women as smarter than men All right, because women are more thorough thinkers than men are meaning women consider every last detail All right, and they pick up on every little thing Which is why women tend to be better liars than men because when a woman lies She's already running the play on every angle that can come out of this that she has to cover her bases on When a man lies he's lying for that moment right one angle.

That's it Okay, so if she asks enough questions she can catch them in the lie The problem is unfortunately and people take this as an offensive thing, but it shouldn't be offensive It's just the reality of how we're biologically wired women are more emotionally driven Which is why so I've heard somebody on a podcast say well if women are so smart Then why do they make all these bad choices of men? Because what happens is a woman's intuition can tell her the man's not the one for her Her mind and all the details she's got to tell her this is not it But her emotion though, maybe she's afraid to be alone Maybe she just is hanging on to something that he provides Maybe she just liked the fantasy of what this can become Those emotions push her to rationalize past her knowledge And make a decision that isn't always wise for her So now when you bring a man and a woman together in a relationship I view it as the man has a strength of being able to separate emotion from his decision-making All right, it's easier for us and again when we understand that testosterone and estrogen drives certain things in us We we see why this is a fact for most people And so as a man you gain the perspective of the woman who's giving you all the angles that you may not be thinking about Giving you the more thorough thought process that maybe you haven't considered a few things But then being able to take her information as the leader and say okay Here it is Here's what I know he's what she gave me What's the best decision here in the interest of both of us of our family that she understands I'm leading with love not to be her dictator not to just run her until I do as I say But to make sure we're moving in the best possible direction And so that might mean that something that she suggested is the way we do it Right? So it doesn't mean she has no influence It just means that he will make the final decision And the reason why I believe he has to make the final decision And that's going to be most beneficial for the average couple Is because here's what happens on the flip side Where people try to do the egalitarian relationship or the woman making the decisions In most cases the vast majority Over time as I said men don't do what they don't have to do any longer If he's been taken out of the mix for making decisions Because she's either making them or when we're doing the whole equal thing What happens is everything's great if we're in agreements The minute there's a disagreement Now he has a choice as a man Do I go what my wife says to make her happy Or do I do what I think is best But now I'm a pistol off and pay a price Okay And what most men tend to do is they might try once to go their way And once they pay that price once they're like you know what I don't want that trouble I'm going to default to her So now he gets an habit of defaulting Defaulting defaulting Exactly And so she may be okay with that in the moment But over time there's going to be there's going to be situations where She's bombarded by life She's overwhelmed She doesn't have the mental capacity right now to handle dealing with this decision She needs you to make it But this man has been disarmed from his ability to learn how to make decisions Because ask any you know better anybody As an entrepreneur as a businessman Making decisions it requires energy That's why like I've heard of Bezos you know how he says He pays a bunch of people to make all the small decisions So that he can handle the big ones Alright Because you don't want to be overwhelmed dealing with so many things to where it takes away from your focus And ability to be sharp with that bigger decision So for a woman when we understand Remember I said they're thorough thinkers Because they're thorough thinkers women tend to be in their head a lot Okay But that causes a lot of mental exhaustion So if she's handling stuff with the kids If she's also working If she's dealing with stuff around the house And now she has to constantly deal with the one being the one that makes the final decision That's going to wear her out And so now because he isn't capable She starts to resent that She starts to lose respect for him You know what I'm saying? He now feels like more of a liability than anything else And everything goes downhill So that's why when I tell people Let that man lead It's because Even the process of making decisions You have to practice You're not going to just jump into fire and be a great decision maker It doesn't work that way You got to go through the bumps and the bruises Of handling this Learning how to process How to take our information How to consider all angles So if you don't let that man grow in that role He's not going to become great at it And it would be more beneficial for the whole household For him to learn how to do that Than to him to lose that skill You are on something that I think is really important I'm going to fumble my way through It's actually never thought about this in a way that I had to say out loud But thinking about my own marriage So I've taken a slightly different approach to that So in the broad strokes I agree with you But there might be a nuance where we see things a little bit differently So I think that People have to put this into evolutionary perspective So we have to think about We have to abstract it from today And think about why we are biologically the way that we are So we are a mammal And I think that in a modern context is very easy to forget that Because we have birth control, we have baby formula But for hundreds of thousands of years The woman One couldn't stop her period It was going to come and it was going to come And so that already is going to Create problems So there's going to be times in the month We're not able to just wander around and go do the hunting and things like that So you're already going to be relegated a little bit Because of a cycle On top of that Men are the They are the answer to the question of what would women create As one half of the species Over a very long period of time Because women are the sexual gatekeepers And so men being stronger Men being hyper ambitious All of that is effectively what they have bred us to be If we will And so there's a reason for that So if they realize Okay, wait a second I need to be optimized This gets so interesting So the strategy that the human animal took as a species Is that we decided to build a big brain with a lot of folds in it And to use culture as our weapon So we don't have stronger muscles, sharper claws, bigger teeth What we have is a more effective brain at problem solving Really at being able to predict the outcome of our behaviors So it's a prediction engine And it's a trade-off though So women, the size of the head dictates the width of the pelvis of a woman And the angle of the pelvis And we have taken it about as far as you can take it And a woman still be able to stand upright and run And so if the head got bigger and the pelvis had to widen and tilt more Then she just wouldn't be able to stand upright So we go that far and then we stop But we want to make the baby even smarter So what do we do?

We make their heads off And we have this extended period of infancy Where they have to be cared for 20 minutes after birth A horse is doing all the things a horse is going to do A human is not, two years after it There's still not And so we have this prolonged period Where the woman is going to have to take care of the child One of the most fascinating things to me Is that women, 15% of women have a fourth photoreceptor So guys have RGB, three That's it, red, blue, green Period, end of story Some women, because they have that fourth photoreceptor Can actually see more colors than men The question becomes why would women have that and no men have it One hypothesized answer, which makes a lot of sense to me Is that given that a woman is going to have to take care of the infant And is going to be optimized for that instead of strength So they've held source their strength, they've bred that into men They said, I need you to protect me I'm going to be here with the infant, I'm going to be incapacitated I'm going to have the period, I'm going to do all these things I'm going to breast you, I'm literally going to make food In my body And then have to hold the infant to deal with it, right? In an uncontrollable manner It's not like it is today where you can be on the period and then stop And then have kids fertility treatments, none of it for hundreds of thousands of years So it's like, hey, I need to get really good at being able to see the change And the color of the baby's cheeks to know how are they doing? Are they frustrated, hurt, sick, all of it And so that's one potential reason why they might have more photoreceptors But it shows women are optimized for something different They're not optimized for strength, they're optimized for birthing A big head for breastfeeding You would imagine that they would be far more emotionally connected Absolutely, which you've talked about that And then also you get into They're going to need to be less volatile They're going to need, meaning physically aggressive They're going to need to be more averse to physical aggression That they wouldn't want that to be the solution Again, which is why they did not optimize for strength, fighting, ability, all that stuff So anyway, you take that as the context Because I'm going to talk about the slightly different strategy that my wife and I run So that's the setup, right? My wife is optimized for one thing I'm optimized for another I'm optimized for ambition, aggression, systems, the traditional male And we're on a spectrum and I actually lean more feminine My wife tends to lean more masculine I think it's one of the secrets of our marriage But anyway, I'm still on average far more masculine than my wife So you put that together Okay, so I feel given our biological optimizations I don't think that I'm smarter than my wife But I do think that there are things that I'm better optimized for And one of them is if I'm going to have to sacrifice If I'm the disposable man So if I'm in true to where to break into the house She doesn't even think about it She actually fell asleep one time in our alarm and off She's back asleep I'm fucking walking around the house Like I'm about to get in the fight And as it should be, in my opinion, right?

So if I'm the one that's going to go off to die I need to be able to make my own decisions I can't be in it Hey, what should I do? So I'm already optimized for it You stay there, be safe, shut the door I'm going to go take action You don't want to work or be doing that You want someone that can think for themselves So anyway, one of many reasons why I think that from a biological standpoint I'm probably slightly more optimized for a certain kind of decision making But what Lisa and I have done is gone You know what we need to understand? You're better at some things than I am And I'm better at some things than you are So we're going to acknowledge those areas of proficiency and deficiency And when it's your area of expertise We're going to go with your answer When it's my area of expertise We're going to go with mine When it's unknown or we collide and we can't agree Then we're going to do everything in our power possible To convince each other But if we can't, then that's when I'm going to lead And that is 100% the formula that I agree with When subscribed to Because I think any wise person understands Your partner may have strengths that you do not have And it would only be smart to let them handle that And to help them shine Exactly That's something I learned early on the hard way I thought my wife would only be sexually attracted to me If I was better than her at everything Recipe for disaster Yeah, because people want to feel valued They want to feel like they're bringing something To the dynamic and to the relationship So I think that is the way to do it Because my argument has only ever been Once there is that stalemate We have to have an understanding of who will then break it Because if there isn't the understanding That you will take the lead in those moments You will have a forever clash And now we're back to that example Where I said The woman will either make him feel like he has to give into her Because he's going to pay a price if he doesn't But if she already understands and respects that Listen, in these moments we know You will take the lead She's not going to fight you She's not going to make your life harder Because we're doing the way that we said we would do it So I think that's why it's important to have that important thing Because it's funny, there is one thing in our lives I just can't get her to in my way And so it's interesting as I think through this One, I'm very good at waiting When to push and say no no we need to do it this way And when I actually do give in Because I think it's very important for both of you To give in when the other person really matters to them And it doesn't matter quite as much to you And there's one thing that my wife and I are sort of equal It really matters to me in the opposite direction That it really matters to her and that's tidiness So I find tidiness to be deeply inefficient So I have optimized and reinforced myself for efficiency Efficiency to me is everything The house, everything I've achieved It's because I'm obsessed with efficiency My wife wants everything to be tidy Otherwise it gives her a deep sense of anxiety And my thing is I need to know where everything is Because I cannot waste a second searching for something So anyway we've collided on this so many times And it sounds funny when we say it But it really bothers me and it really bothers her And it's like this ongoing bone of contention And so with everything else in our lives though We've been able to find that thing Like okay I don't care as much about this as you do So even though I disagree, let's go Even though I disagree and you have not convinced me I'm still gonna acquiesce and say cool That really matters to you And that give and take I think is critically important Being very thoughtful about when you draw a hard line in the sand I think it's very important so many people draw a line in the sand Because they're insecure about their leadership In fact it brings me to my most inflammatory statement This is the part that I'm fumbling through Maybe I'll change my mind But I think I'm pretty sure about this I'm into short women I went asked at the age of 19 to describe my future wife I said many things all of which ended up being true To a almost freakish degree But one of them was she'll be short I'm just into it And it makes me feel powerful That's the honest answer and I like to feel powerful And I think it's universal I think guys do and ladies If I may make a suggestion I make a man feel powerful and a lot of problems will go away So that dimorphic difference makes me feel strong and powerful So I love it and always knew that I was gonna be a thing But another thing that so I give that as an example Of something where you just have a thing that you're looking for Another thing that I think matters a lot to guys And they should be very thoughtful about In women want a guy hypergamy They date across and up when it comes to intelligence and access to resources So with guys I would say You want to marry someone where you're the right person to lead So I wouldn't want and my wife has said this to me so many times And on camera I'm not talking out of school when I tell you That my wife has said You're the right person between the two of us When we can't convince each other You're the right person to lead I weep for men who are in a relationship Where they're trying to lead and they're not the right person to lead And they actually pick somebody that's just better at reading the situation than they are And so I think that this is one of those things that's really undervalued In terms of how thoughtful you need to be about If you're a guy that's like no no no I think it's rad Like I want my wife to lead Cool then you can in fact you better pick somebody that's better at that Than you are But if you want to lead and that's like a part of how you bring value to the relationship Who you better be the right person to lead Absolutely and that goes back to why I think the foundation has to be in place Because it can be difficult to establish yourself as a leader at times When you don't have any foundation in place for her to respect Now again there's exceptions to every rule But you make it easier for yourself When you at least get that together And I do think that some men have to realize Well unfortunately I think some men are not understanding the importance of them being able to lead I do think that some men are confusing leadership with control And thinking that it's just about me getting my way Rather than no it's about leading your relationship to better Doing what's in the best interest of you and your partner And that's why again it's so important to consider your partner's feeling I've talked to a lot of husbands before having problems And one of the complaints from the wife is He doesn't tell me anything He does things without mentioning it to me And that makes it's not even about Whether you are capable of making the right choice By excluding her you are making her feel devalued All right And you then it starts to pour over into other things Because another issue is So you don't include her in decision making The only time you want to touch her is when you want to have sex All right Which is another area that wives feel or partners feel very devalued Because to them she starts to think I am just a sexual object to you I am nothing more than that And so when you devalue her in all these different ways You don't talk to her in general and just hear how she's feeling Even if it's not a decision to be made She starts to become very detached from that relationship And it creates a lot of problems Not to mention she will now become less sexually receptive to you Which then opens the door to a whole nother slew of issues So now you're frustrated So the reality is that we have to find ways to bring each other together In every aspect And that's why I think as a leader Most women just want to be heard That's it They just want to know You're listening and you're considering what they're saying You don't have to do it their way Many of them will try to get their way Because they feel like they've been dismissed for so long So now I have to flex my muscles I have something I want to run by you Go ahead I've recently My wife and I have been running into a frustration Where I go into robot mode Which we can talk about later But first I want to talk about where she's saying I just want to be heard And I finally realized the other day I think I'm right She doesn't just want to be heard She wants me to sync up with her emotions And the word she's using is heard But she doesn't feel heard If I'm like Oh man I totally hear you I disagree I think you're reacting poorly But I hear you You've been heard She wants me to be like That's outrageous I'm totally with you She actually wants me to match her emotion Dude, when I do it She feels heard It's so interesting And I feel like If women would start using a different language Which is I want you to sync up with my emotion Then they would actually be asking for the thing That's going to make them feel good Because they For instance Part of what happens with my wife and I Is some She has the gear of righteous indignation I almost don't have it It is so hard to get me there And when she gets into that gear And somebody has wronged her She wants me to be like Yeah That's ridiculous And all I can think is If you go react like that You're not going to get what you actually want Out of the situation But once I realize Oh my god Which she's actually asking for is me to sync up Does that feel right? Or am I missing something?

So I think What came to mind when you mentioned that is Yes, I think women want you to feel them They want you to be in tune with where they are And to acknowledge their feelings I don't know if you have to sync up Completely with their emotion Because like you said The problem is It can become dangerous If they need that counter emotion To kind of bring forth new perspective And help them calm down from where they are How do we do that? If you can teach me how to do this I will be in your debt Forever So the key is It's acknowledging how they feel I think sometimes we think Because we don't understand So how do you acknowledge How do you acknowledge in an honest way Because if I don't If I think that that emotion makes no sense What do I do? Because I don't want to patronize her And be like oh my god I told you When inside I'm like I actually don't get this This is a mistake So look at this Let's say a situation upsets her And she's angry And to you it's like You don't need to be angry right now Your first step is I understand why this has been making you mad Because you do understand that This is the type of woman she is And these types of things piss her off So that is a true statement I understand why this is making you mad And I feel you But I want you to look at it this way Let's you know feel better And kind of be the calm to her storm in that moment The thing is what we tend to do as men is We dismiss how they feel Oh you're overreacting Oh that's silly Oh you don't need to be handling it that way You know where are you acknowledging How she feels So it's an acknowledgement And in that acknowledgement Your mindset has to be How can I now make you feel better Or help contribute a positive energy into you Rather than back up the negative you're feeling And magnify it No how can I pour into that positive So it's almost like let's flip it You're upset about something Let's just say I don't know if you're a huge sports fan But let's say your team just lost And you are pissed off The last thing you want your woman to come And say it's just a game What's wrong is you Oh blah blah blah You don't wanna hear that right now You're mad your team lost If she comes to you rub your back I understand Don't worry You know They'll do better next time They had a great seasonable That would make you feel better So again she doesn't have to understand Why you're so passionate about sports She doesn't have to get passionate with it Passion about it with you She just has to acknowledge And then sue you So acknowledge then sue That's what I would suggest I think that's very good advice Yeah that's really interesting What's really interesting is it works to match To sync up to express the same emotion And I heard this It was from a guy that probably studied NLP And he was like If somebody comes at you really hot Even if they're angry at you Match their anger and be like I know I get why you must be really angry about this And you know I think that we can work through And then you bring them down And I always thought would that work? But when I started matching My wife and being like That's outrageous She was like That actually works It feels better But to your point What you just described A thousand percent would work on me That is precisely how I'd want my wife to react It'll be very interesting I would try that with real sincerity Of I know you well enough I understand that this is really upsetting you I'm here with you I got you I'm in it I'm not even though I'm not a sports fan I so get that analogy The thing that I do get like that on is video games Like if I Oh my god I will get so angry And thankfully my wife Because we play together She'll she understands it and gives me space To like Vends and be angry But yeah she was like She's like Why are you acting like that I get even more notes Exactly That's actually really really helpful Okay so Relationships are hyper complex I think we've gotten through a big chunk of it In terms of Getting the emotional stability Understanding the different roles that we play Understanding leadership Understanding how to make sure that we're both bringing equal value That everybody feels valued and understood How we can emotionally help to regulate each other Without inflating each other Now if we both agree That selection is a huge part of this We know we're looking for somebody healed I think we covered that well But how do you find That person Like both What do you look for And mechanistically Like If we're not in dating apps Where are we going How do we is there like a dating protocol Where it's like first aid is always on the phone You know the first aid is always caught Whatever What do we look for How do we find it Okay so first I want to say is We don't have to look for them to already be healed I do think that that's a tough task Because the majority of people are not Interesting I think the key is Because once you heal You can see this function so much easier You can see a lack of healing so much easier So making sure you're healed first That you can then identify who is and who is And then when you address it with them Are they willing to work on it?

If they're willing to work on it Then we can work with somebody What signs do we look for there? It's not even a matter of When we discuss this issue Are they willing to acknowledge it? Are they willing to take any accountability for it? And if you healed Then you would have had a method of either Going to a therapist or coach Or you would have read a book You would have had some tool that you can now Suggest to them Are they receptive to that tool?

Or are they just like I don't need any help I'm fine That's it That's your sign Clearly they don't want to face it I had one time when I was on a date many years ago With a woman And long story short There was several issues But one of the things that struck me was She was going into a field Because it was the wish of one of her family members Okay But it wasn't a field she wanted to do So I don't want to put her out So let's just say it was A network IT network manager Right And so The thing is I cannot be with someone Who does something that they're not happy about doing Because you're going to bring that negativity into the household And it's going to affect me It's going to affect the children We don't need that I'm successful enough to where I can Give you the opportunity to do whatever fills your heart If you're going to stay stuck to what someone else wants you to do We can't work here And so when I brought up this issue And I brought up other issues Her response was pretty much Oh no I'm fine Oh no Like there was a complete rejection Of addressing these things Or doing anything about it To me that was my sign Okay this isn't going to work You know So that's one thing It's just making sure you're healed And seeing if they're willing to heal Because just waiting for everyone That you need to be healed is going to be a problem Now how we go about looking for them Even though I said I don't use dating apps I don't use it because of the position that I'm in All right I do think more people should be using dating apps Not how you use them well That's the key Because when they talk about how You know 80% of women are chasing 20% of men and all that kind of stuff When you actually go on some of these dating sites These profiles are trash All right What's happening is most people do not go on a dating app with real intention They don't put real effort You know the problem is That's the mindset with relationships in general We will go to school to get our career We will study things to learn we want to learn But when it comes to relationships We think it should just be Oh we just walk into it and everything should be fine Rather than doing the work to educate ourselves To prepare ourselves To set ourselves up for success So for me with the guys I think that if I'm a man The first thing I'm going to do is I'm going to go to some other women And say how does this profile look? How can this be more attractive? All right I'm not even putting the right pictures up on it You put the right pictures in That makes a huge difference And the reality is that We have to understand that the internet and real life Are very different The reason why my personal belief One of the reasons why I think That 80% of women are chasing 20% of men online on dating apps Is because we're more critical online Than we are in person When we are either on Instagram Or a dating app We're literally looking for something To knock this person off All right We're dissecting every picture We're looking at it If their body's shaped Is that all those things? Because we have the time To sit there and process When we meet in person Our brains tend to go to what we're attracted to We don't have time to just break down every single angle So it's easier for people to connect in person So I do think though I encourage dating apps I think men need to get out more All right There was one time I was on a show And they had a call in section And one of the guys called He said, you know, I can't meet any women I don't know what's going on And long story short We found out that when he would go out He would meet women But he was struggling on online dating And we're like, guys Just get out more Like you have the answer in front of you So I think we need to get out more But optimize your profiles With pictures I think also One of the things I encourage the women to do And I would say this to the men as well People go on a dating app And they focus on what they want to get Rather than presenting their value And I look at it from like the perspective of If you are marketing a product You don't go into Walmart And the product says, you know What kind of customer I want No, they tell you why you should buy me Why I should pick your product Same thing on our dating app Present why a woman should be interested in you What makes you the better choice Than these other guys that she's going to see Now what should guys leave with?

Basically I'm asking what are women looking for? On average, obviously This won't be every woman But is there like best practices? Best practices as far as How we present our value Or the overall data on our product? I'm thinking, okay, God forbid My wife is hit by a meteorite or something Now I'm dating again And I decide that I'm going to do a dating app What do I do?

I could just put, I'm rich, bitch Like, but for real Like, that already worked a little bit though But it would attract the wrong person, right? So now I'm like, okay What do I actually, like, I've not thought through this So what would a guy put If he is Let's say he's got to shit together He's financially stable, not rich But he's financially stable He's doing his thing, he's ambitious He's in shape Like he's doing the things But like, how do you present it? So outside of making sure your pictures are on point And what's on point? Shortlist, do we do shirtless?

I don't think you need to do shirtless Because that can look like you're trying too hard It's just favorable pictures And that's why I think it's important To get the opinion of a woman Who can tell you this looks good Like, this looks good on you You know, a lot of men don't realize That, because you know how nowadays you hear about On the internet, that all these women want a six-figure man And I always say, listen, the majority of relationships Consistive of women who are with men who don't make six figures Can I just say something? Go ahead I'm so curious to see if you agree with this What women really want? They don't want you to be broke, for sure They don't give a shit They don't care about money I'll just tell you that right now But they care about how do you make them feel? Yes Sifan, I'm arrogant Can I be arrogant for a minute?

You can't be arrogant So I can say this in a safety of marriage But let's remember I landed my amazing wife when I was broke So I think that I figured out the game I realized, oh, it's about how I make her feel about herself And if I make her feel better about herself when she's around me Sincerely, by the way, that's come from a real place I'm like legitimately impressed with this woman But I know how to tell her In a way that doesn't make me look weak or thirsty But if you can make that woman feel about herself The way she has always wanted to feel Then you will do just fine I secretly want to go on a game show Where I have to go get a woman And they don't know who I am And they don't know how much money I have And I just have to spit game And because I know, keep in mind The thing I know about game is authenticity Only say what's real And even if you told me That I have to hide certain parts of my personality The other parts, I would make them so fucking real And the things that, like when Lisa tells the story about how we met And why she thought it was interesting One, I thought she was legally obligated to leave the country So I didn't think there was, this is going to be a long-term thing I had recently realized that it's all about the willingness to walk away To be yourself in a fun, playful manner Packard yourself up well But like, you can't, you can't act like, I hope you pick me It's the same thing in a job interview I always tell people don't try to win the job Try to assess the opportunity So if I'm like asking her questions, I'm learning about her I'm finding the things that I'm legitimately interested Whoa, tell me more about that Oh my God, that's actually really interesting I am convinced I'm going to tell you another story, God, I'm really, I'm really derailing us I had a really interesting experience with a woman one time We were dating Could not make her orgasm Try, try, try, try, try, try Can't do it The night happens And I go into a mode that people that have seen me only on camera Will be very familiar with I got really passionate about a topic And I was really going in and I was explaining why I love this thing So much and how much it mattered to me What I'm willing to do and how hard I'm willing to go And I could see the way she was looking at me changed She had an orgasm the next day And I was like, holy fuck So my mom gave me the best piece of advice I ever got about women For a woman to have an orgasm, she has to trust you Yes I'm going to add another thing She has to be used enamored or something Like you have to Just to revere Perfect You have to do something that that woman would actually revere Yes The things that made me capable of getting wealthy I'll have even if they don't know I'm wealthy They'll pick up on that All the things I've read The character The character, Jesus The authenticity, the integrity Dude, guys are arming themselves with the wrong things But this is also why I would probably lean away from online dating Or I'd be trying to get people on the phone as fast as I could Because I'm like, I have a magic trick That you're not going to understand on a profile But if you let me talk to you And you let me see how attentive I am And then I'm really listening And then I'm picking up on something you said And then I have an interesting follow up question That thing Ah The way you mentioned your dad was really interesting You kind of like had a half smile I'm super curious What's your relation? You know what I mean? And like If guys would think about that Without any bullshit or pretense Without faking who you are in the slightest How do you make her feel about herself The way she's always wanted to feel One hundred percent And that's why it's funny Because as you were giving the stories One of the things I was going to mention for the man To mention in his dating profile Was something about his ability to communicate Because one of the biggest issues that women have with men Is their inability to carry a conversation And so when you were explaining your story Like I can tell that's one of the things that intrigued The women that you dated Is that not only were you attentive to listening to them Asking questions But you knew how to speak on things You had interesting things to say A lot of men struggle in that area Which I don't want to go all the way back But that goes back to also foundation In the sense that When you haven't been doing anything in your life You have nothing to talk about Alright So when you at least allow yourself to go through some things Learn some things You have more of a wealth of information to provide Women love a man they can learn something from Alright Plain and simple Now to go back to the fact of The point of that Most women are not with a man who makes six figures That's what I was getting out in the sense that Men don't realize how many women right now Are with a broke man Okay And yes, you can't stay there So let's make that clear You can't remain there But the key is how do you get your foot in the door To then present your character That hopefully you've built up strong enough To actually wear it to a point where a woman would want to Enjoy talking to you and being with you And so a lot of men When we talk about the dating profile They have to look at it from a perspective of This is just a tool to meet people easier That's it And as you mentioned You know your superpower is talking So I'm very much like you Where I actually just did it on the interview the other day I told her how I used to always have a belief that You put me in a room with a woman As long as he's attracted to me I got it I'm good I know I can make this work Because I knew just as you how to talk How to listen All those things It came natural to me I think where a lot of men struggle Is they don't know how to get their foot in the door One of the things that I think about a lot Is how back in the days before all the internet and dating apps You saw a lot more men Who maybe considered average with beautiful women And I believe that was because The environment allowed for those men To get their foot in the door Meaning they would be working with this person for a few months She would be able to make her laugh And in her enjoying that time Which she became attracted to you We had more people going to school But I felt like more things were happening in school You had more people introducing You know to family friends and all these different things All it boils down to is that men had more pathways To getting their foot in the door And then once they're there they can make it work So a lot of men as you said are arming themselves With the wrong thing Thinking that it's just money money money money No It's more the character than anything And you know that when you say If you know how to make her feel good about herself That goes a long way So back to the how would you present your value on the dating app So again I think talking about Showing that you're able to communicate Showing that you have an intent for something serious Because one of the biggest complaints on women with dating apps Is these men are not serious All right And most men who are not serious They're very vague with their intent on these dating apps So if you come in on your profile saying Hey man who loves to talk and listen Or whatever the case may be And looking for a serious relationship Or at least open to I can say open Looking hopefully you can find something serious It's essentially stating your intent is for a serious Committed relationship You've already jumped a bunch of the guys On that dating app All right And then the message is being yourself And I think and being willing to put some effort into your profile Because we tend to be just very A lot of us will just put pictures up One line And that's it Women like to they want to see you know Read some stuff about you If you notice like women will tend to have these longer paragraphs Oh they're dating profile Women are very short And it's funny because I'll tell them to flip it If you want to attract the opposite So basically for the women Bullet points Make it big Yeah all right Give us that yes We all know that But for men Add a little bit more depth To your to your bio That will help present more of a value And separate you from the men But also again just don't go on there thinking If I don't get a woman today that this was a failure It's an easier It's a tool to meet people easier But don't neglect going out And as you mentioned I do think men have to learn how to transition From dating app to phone quicker Or dating app to a in-person date quicker Because what I also found is that many men And I'll even say myself Some of us are just not good at the small talk With all that chatting and being in the DM That's not our strength So if you stay there too long You can lose her interest But if you can move it to okay Well we're both interested Let's go out for coffee Or let's go out to dinner Lunch whatever you want to do I think that would be the best thing for most guys I hear that Yeah it was interesting as you were talking about The back and forth of DM's That would be my nightmare And I was like oh AI is going to be able to do that Oh my god there's going to be all these first days By the way I'm nothing like the AI I had responding to That'll get very interesting very fast Okay so one thing that I want to ask So in terms of compatibility Kids is a big part of that equation Yeah But also I'm curious at a more meta level How important do you think for the Because you have a more traditional leaning vibe I would say when it comes to relationships Do you think that for a traditional structure To work that they need to be kids involved? Because now all of a sudden the woman has the area Where she's got a leadership role And she's handling the day-to-day And sort of all the things that she might long for Will play out with the kids Yeah I don't want to say it has to be there I think it can be very helpful And I think naturally most people They want kids anyway And I think even more so A lot of women Once they're with that man that they're really in love with Many of them they're going to want it Now again there are some people who are just wired to wear Kids ain't the way they think And I don't think you have to have that to have a full For fulfilling loving healthy relationship So I think it depends on the individuals involved You know I just if I'm honest here I just want more people To accept or embrace the fact that if you do want kids in your life Man or woman We should strive for more marriages I just think that this idea of You know all this content about don't get married And you know you can't trust marriage and blah blah blah blah I just think that's way too negative Way too damaging And it's creating the negative cycle of things that Some of these same men are complaining about Yeah, so don't trust marriage It's interesting I obviously am very fortunate that I met my wife when I was broke So there was nothing to worry about I didn't think I'll have something to lose or anything But that to me really feels like that's a you problem That's a selection problem One of the things when I think about why I feel so like Let me just show these guys how it's done Like on this is that I'm very good at reading people So I've interviewed as an employer I've interviewed over 1500 people It may not sound like a lot until you run the math It's a lot There's a lot of interviews In fact, since I clocked that stat I probably interviewed like more than 16 or 1700 And you really start to notice patterns of behavior Body posture, the way people hold themselves Structure of the face I mean, there's a lot you can learn about somebody Just from thin slicing them You'll get really good at asking questions What kind of questions Get people to reveal themselves I think I heard you say this and I agree very much You get somebody to talk They will reveal who they are Absolutely A thousand percent And so I when I hear people say that you can't trust this That or the other I'm like no you're not yet a good judge of character And if you focused on getting good at that If you focused on learning how to ask the right questions What to pay attention to That you would probably feel Like you're standing more on terra firma Then you feel now Now look, I get it, we all have our gifts And part of it is I'm naturally inclined towards that Like I said, I skew more towards the feminine side You probably have more intuition than the average man Well, I don't believe in intuition Oh, you don't But it kind of sounds like that's what it is Because you're able to Pick up on and feel and read things In a way that's It's more of an intuitive type of thing Let me define what I think intuition is And then we'll see if we agree to disagree Intuition, you're not born with it It's entirely trained And so if you I have trained myself I've seen so many patterns over and over and over That they've done this study And they'll put three decks of cards in front of people And there's you get like For every high card you get a certain point You actually get to keep the money at the end So it's like You want to find the deck that has the highest cards And so you put your bet on which one of the three decks Now in the beginning, of course, you have no idea So they bet randomly The fascinating thing happens That your subconscious detects the hotter deck Before your conscious mind So they tell you When you know which one of the decks is right Then put all your bets on that And so, first it's even And then slowly they start targeting one more than the others And then they finally go, okay, that one's the hot one And so they have them hooked up on brain scanners and stuff And they realize they're getting their subconscious kicking off cues About the hot deck before their conscious mind realized it That's intuition, but they had to train it first They had to try all the different decks And then the subconscious mind Begins to pick up on something So what I'm saying is Yes, your subconscious mind will begin to pick up on things before your conscious mind But if you didn't train it and train it well You're stabbing the dark So I see where you're coming from So, okay, one, I say this Are you familiar with the Myers-Briggs?

Okay, do you know which one you are? I do, I'm I-N-T-J I-N-T-J, all right, I'm I-N-F-J Now, if I'm correct, the I stands for intuition Yep, but now the question becomes So acknowledging that some people are going to be better They're going to take to that So I'll take that to mean When I get the signals, I'm able to make good on them So they don't bounce off me, they don't deflect So kind of like a woman with that fourth photoreceptor Can really see the change in her baby's face She still has to see the change in shape So what I'm saying is As an infant, had you been able to line up a group of people And give me something to suck on And say pick the good person or the kind person or whatever It would be chance So I think the way that I'm looking at it And of course, I can be wrong, but this is my perception I think that you it's almost like you know how some guys Their genetics allow them to build a physique That the next guy just can't build Yeah, all right Now, it still requires that they hit the gym And lift weights to see the potential of that physique I agree with you, but they always continue to know how that So I would argue that you've always had this intuitive muscle That maybe, yes, through practice You've now gotten so in tune with it Because you know what struck me is when you said you know You lean in the feminine like a woman I say the same thing all the time like a woman I never said like a woman I said I have a leaning fema, feminine temperament Yes, okay, let's go there I've been spoke But I say the same type of thing And that's why and I believe I have intuition But I think again, I think it's something that you already had But it does have to, there is a level of training Involved in seeing the potential of it I agree for sure Going back to kids whether we need to have kids or not Is very fascinating, you said we don't need to have kids But it can probably play out well So I'm running the strategy of not having kids But I recognize how dangerous this is And the only reason I feel confident in doing it Is because I'm a high level communicator At least as a high level communicator We understand biology Like there's a lot of things that we know how to Basically create a life that doesn't require that But I think most people probably should Yeah, and they probably should because of fulfillment I agree That it is nature's way of saying Okay, do this thing and you're gonna get fulfillment I mean it's just not everybody's gonna go ahead So let me counter with that So interestingly, if I just had this talk with a friend Where we were discussing the fact that We wonder if sometimes those of us who are highly successful Highly ambitious If nature, God, however you want to frame it Wants us to be having kids Because we would be passing down the genes of the mindset That society needs more of so to speak Now I get to say that you have to do it or I have to do it I don't know that feeling that dumb people have more kids No, I believe they're more educated women than less children Yeah, I believe they have more kids We were discussing that maybe We should be looking at the fact that we should be having them Because I don't have kids myself It was just a theory of maybe We are best designed to have them due to our successes But yes, I think that sometimes when you are successful Kids become a little less of a priority than you like to have And for a lot of guys who are highly ambitious and successful I think many of them have kids because of either The woman that they get with wants kids Or they have an idea of they want to pass down legacy And things like that And I'll just be somebody that they like to me I'm not really into the whole legacy thing Because I'm like, once I'm gone, I'm gone You know, it's like what we gonna do And for all you know, and I said, if you pay attention The people, the men who have achieved amazing great things Is extremely rare to have their child achieve as great or greater things And so it's almost like what legacy are they really passing on? They're just holding up your legacy at best But they're not continuing it and progressing it So to me it's like, I don't know, I don't think it's a big deal But I just remember the other angle that we had touched on That we didn't finish was men saying marriage is unfair Or don't trust marriage, things like that And so what's funny is how you said You were fortunate that when you got married, you were broke So you don't have to worry about losing anything The crazy thing is the majority of these men Who are saying don't get married are broke too And they're fearful of losing money, they don't even have yet Not realizing that marriage is a great wealth building tool If you use it correctly So there's just a lot of misconceptions I also think, to your point, the issue is one Port selection process I'm always saying that men tend to be horrible selectors Otherwise, a lot of men have overlooked some really clear red flag Like I cannot tell you how many times I've had men in my DMs And the message would be like, I have this woman And she doesn't respect me and she does this to me and she does that But man, I don't want to lose her I'm like, what? So it's clear as day, she's not best for you But you're asking me how you can hold on to this And then you'll end up being the man who marries her And then when it falls apart, it's marriage diss Women that, no, you chose the wrong person The other side to it, I think men need to be more mindful of is I agree that there are certain places that the marriage laws are not favorable to men That's just a reality I think though that men are not educating themselves One, on the marriage laws in their specific state So they know what they're up against if they do get married And two, I think more people should consider prenups if that's their concern I think the problem with the prenup discussion Is that people have not educated themselves on what that actually means And why it would be beneficial for both sides Women, when they hear prenup They hear a man trying to hide his money from me Right?

And what I want both sides to realize is Listen, when you get married, you are signing a marriage contract Whether you like it or not You're going to sign a state contract or you're going to create your own contract Why not create your own? With your own parameters Guys, I love you for that part You know what I'm saying? And my thing is the best time to discuss and hammer out a favorable contract to both sides Is before you get married when you're still in love with each other and happy Because by the time if it ever got for big reaches divorce And y'all don't like each other at this point People make the worst difficult because they're bitter Because they're resentment Because they feel like they were betrayed They're holding on to hurt So you want to address these things before those negative emotions come into play So to me, if you have that discussion with a woman And you also go into with the mindset of I'm not trying to screw you over Right? If you know, it's one thing if you're coming in with assets You want to protect, that's fine But we should be reasonable enough as men That if we build a kingdom with this woman She isn't entitled to a portion of it We can argue whether that's 50% or 40% whatever But you shouldn't be like, oh she should get nothing Because I did the main work No!

Because to your point Though she may not be the one doing the work She has given you the inspiration She's giving you the flexibility She's provided certain comforts and benefits That has freed you up in a way That you can pursue these things And achieve these things Also, if you married someone that doesn't make you a better version of yourself You're a moron There you go Like when I think about So, Lisa and I We were broken, we got together, so it's easy But there I don't think this is controversial in my marriage Lisa would never become an entrepreneur if it wasn't for me I know through her actions that she believes that I carried more weight than she did But when we founded Impact Theory And the attorney said One of you needs to own 51% And the other needs to own 49% It doesn't matter who But you guys don't create the ultimate divorce nightmare And I said no, create the ultimate divorce nightmare I need her to know In her bones That she is my equal in every way That she has carried equal weight this whole time She isn't Whether I'm The right one to lead in the business is irrelevant Without her I would not have become who I've become We wouldn't have built what we've built together She's just truly truly my equal And I can do that One, because I chose well and my wife is high integrity Two, because I know that we can navigate each other And that it isn't going to end in divorce And three, I wouldn't be an honorable man in my opinion If I were trying to in any way shape or form Use legalities to ice out the woman who built this with me And but now let me be very clear God forbid something happens to my wife, I got remarried I'd preen up because you're coming along It's already done Exactly It's not something we're building together And I would be honorable in that as well I would not try to take advantage of her in that moment But that to me, people need to be really thoughtful about How do you want her to feel? I want at least to know I've told her my entire relationship with her You're more important to me than the business And then when I have a chance to get 51% What message does it send if I'm like, yeah, give me 51% Like I would have given her 51% sure Go for it, I don't care Like but that really does come down to confidence My own ability is to be the right person to lead That we will stay emotionally connected and in love That this won't harden into bitterness and all that It's a tricky ball game, but it's it's utterly fascinating And I think there's also the aspect of You know, what's funny is you again, you get a lot more pushback For men who have not achieved and succeeded yet Or were not wealthy about the whole money You know how to manage their relationship And don't know how to manage their money either And so the point to add to that was So I've talked to some men who are married Who are successful And they tend to have the mindset of like, you know what? She can take what she needs to take Because there's confidence in themselves that they can rebuild this if they have to They're not going to be left out stranded This is not going to destroy them I didn't allow these men to view it as like, if I give this up and it's over for me And what am I going to do? And there's this fear because they have not built themselves up to a point Where they feel like they can withstand a situation like that So it's just interesting that I've noticed that In all the successful ambitious men It's not a problem for them to give that woman Whatever she needs to make sure she's good She's taken care of and you move on if it came to that, you know Yeah, it's tough So trying to mind read the people that will respond poorly to this There really are some people that they're not good at that And so it becomes a game of So if you think about masculinity as a spectrum There are far more autistic men than autistic women Guys more interested in things than people I see how men are ill-equipped to navigate this That they can be emotionally confused by the woman Who sees things that they don't can read the situation Read their own emotions Understand their, you know, foibles and insecurities better than they do And this goes back to my initial point Which is when the relationship is established as adversarial from the beginning Then you're going to get really dark outcomes Yes And if there were one thing that I could just, you know, sprinkle Snap my fingers and change It would be that people come into it really trying to be partners Wanting to be honorable So one of the most meaningful things in my life Is I'm the same person in divorce that I am in marriage So obviously I've never broken up with my wife But I've been in business long enough That things come together, things fall apart And in those moments I have been me all the way through And that's something you do for yourself Because in the moment it's probably less advantageous You will get less out of the deal If you're trying to stay true to the values That you came into the relationship with When the other person's not playing like that They're trying to be aggressive and playing to win and all that But by doing that you get to be the person I want to be, right?

So if people could come into relationships like that If when you see a vulnerability in your partner If you're trying to help them shore that up Help elevate them They have to do the work And nobody wants a guy that wallows in for 30 days and all that But I think that would be a game changer No, absolutely I mean, both men and women have to stop looking at each other like their enemy And have to stop projecting their specific bad experiences onto everyone else Because that's really what's happening A lot of these men who are struggling with women Because again, they're holding on to that last rejection They're holding on to that last heartbreak And again, they're also letting the internet confuse them With all the things that they're hearing being said I always make the point that I believe In the comments section, on the internet, miserable people are the loudest All right? Happy people don't have time to be sitting in all the comments section It's constantly saying this, that other And so people gain this very negative perception Based off of how people engage on the internet And it contaminates their thinking on how they view the opposite sex How they view relationships Like I'm a believer in there's a right person And at the very least, if you don't believe in it as a one There is a person that fits you And even if you believe there's multiple people You still need the right fit for it to work I think too many people just see some of the day like See a couple of things that they feel are what they desire And they think, okay, I'm gonna make it work with this person It doesn't really work like that Some have gotten lucky to where that person Ended up being the person they're in alignment with But if there's no alignment there You're gonna have a lot of conflict That most people cannot handle and properly process through And so healing, learning how to communicate All these things are important If we want to have healthier and happier relationships Let me ask you, will you be sad if you never get married? Hmm, that's a damn good question Um I wouldn't And only because You know, I'm a believer and my faith in God of faith Yeah, I'm in a faith And so for me, it's like if something doesn't happen I chalk it up to you You know what? This was the purpose that I had here on this world And this is what God wanted, so be it Like I don't let things I don't let like So there's a level of disappointment in the sense that Yeah, I would want it, right But I've learned not to dwell in disappointment Or let what I think I want Consume me to the point that now I'm gonna let this drag me to a negative place Because I understand that what I want isn't always what's best You know what I mean?

There's been plenty of times I swore I was ready for marriage, okay And now looking back, I'm like, thank God it did not happen yet Because of that person Because of things I still needed to learn Some things I needed to cultivate Things that I needed to not perfect But just improve upon You know, one of the things I'll give an example I think is important for the men to hear Is I have this thing that I call learning how to love in your masculine And so I think a lot of men When they fall in love with a woman We slide into our feminine And to a point where we sometimes become overly needy Very emotional, clingy, insecure All these things And we also operate out of this scarcity mindset Like I'm never gonna find anything like this again And not to say that that woman is replaceable so to speak It's just to understand that if it can't work with her Then it's someone else it can't work with, okay But because we slide into that We end up becoming less attractive to that woman Because it was that masculine energy that drew her in And now we're being all feminine And it's like, what's going on here? Or at the very least, we're not being masculine So how do you love in the masculine? So loving in the masculine starts with Removing the fear of losing this woman There has to be an acceptance of, okay, yes I'm here to pour into her And build something amazing with her But if she walks away from me For whatever reason I will be okay I will be fine I don't have to just live in this constant fear Because again, it's the fear that drives us to doing stupid stuff You know what people say, well love makes you stupid It's not love, it's fear The problem is this is my personal theory It's that whole balance of life Where you know like in the movies The minute a superhero comes about A villain it has to come behind That's just the way life is Good and evil has to have a balance So once love arises, fear will try to counter it It is the normal thing that happens in people's lives And so if you are not healed enough You can't fight off the fear, all right And again, most people aren't healed enough So the fear consumes them And it causes them to act in all kinds of stupid ways Or silly ways that only causes more problems So to love in your masculine starts with not being fearful anymore It also starts with understanding that whole Being vulnerable versus being emotionally unstable So the example I'll give is It's one thing to go to a woman and say Oh my gosh, I love you so much Please don't leave me, I can't live my life without you Versus, listen, I love you You are special to me, you mean the world to me And I'm here to make this work We communicated the same thing But one comes off very weak, very fragile And it's unattractive The other comes off strong But still expressive, the woman's still gonna feel very loved So that's loving in your masculine Where you can stand strong, where you can have composure And express yourself clearly to that woman I think a lot of men fall into this You know, a lot of us are sold this fairy tale of When you love this woman, you put on a pedestal And you cheer like a queen, but you do do those things But it goes to the point where men lose themselves And they lose sight of Again, the things that drew her in The other key to loving in your masculine is You must remain in your purpose So even you mentioned it, you said there's one thing you will not give up And that's your ambition That's who you are, that's your purpose That's what makes you you And the reality is That's what she loves about you Like if you took that away, you would not look the same to her So a lot of men, they find this woman And they release their ambition They release their purpose And they focus solely on her Thinking that this will win her over That's pushing her away Because again, how can she feel safer for men who walks away from his purpose? How can she feel like you're gonna make wise decisions?

What masculine energy are you gonna exude If you're not walking in the comments of your purpose And the focus of your purpose So to me, those are like the three pillars of loving in your masculine And if men learn how to do that, they would see so much more success Because you have a lot of men who say, well, these men don't want a good guy That's not true They do want a good man The problem is, when we are good We become good, but we're really being soft We're being overly emotional We're being all these things that now are a burden to hurt If we just learn that, no, no, no, no You can still be a good masculine man She'll love it She's not gonna walk away from that And just a lot of men have him They don't understand that concept It's not their fault People have not taught that But it's something that I think if we learned it and mastered it So many more men will start winning in their relationships I love it Working people follow you You can find me Go to asksteffonspeaks.com And from there, they can get everything else I love it Alright guys, if you haven't already, be sure to subscribe And until next time my friends, be legendary Take care, peace Let's talk about a pattern that is Guaranteed to be killing your progress You know what you need to do You need consistent nutrition We all do You need vitamins, probiotics, greens We all know that we should be doing more of it When your morning gets chaotic, you skip it When you travel, you skip it When your routine breaks, everything tends to break And that inconsistency compounds against you Every single day AG1 is designed to solve the execution problem One scoop, eight ounces of water and you're done You're getting 75 plus ingredients Vitamins and minerals, pre and probiotics Nutrient dense superfoods Everything that used to require six, seven different supplements And perfect planning now happens in one drink That takes about 30 seconds to make Right now, AG1 is giving you $87 worth of free gifts With your first subscription You get a welcome kit, travel packs Vitamin D3 plus K2 and flavor samples Click the link in the show notes or visit drinkag1.com Slash impact to claim this offer