Mel Robbins' Book is Fine Advice, But May I Offer The "DON'T Let Them Theory?"

Mel Robbins’ new book, ‘The Let Them Theory’ is an unqualified smash, and I can understand why.In matters of self-compassion and relationships, it offers wisdom on releasing the desire to change other people and letting go of our concerns regarding others’ perceptions of us so that we can focus on what is within our hands to affect. This is elemental, critical advice for we who are people pleasers, control freaks, and chronic worriers—yours truly included!However, when it comes to the brokenness and injustices around us, this theory is less than ideal, which is why Robbins likely wouldn’t have us employ it in this manner.As we think about the swift rise of fascism here, about the staggering inhumanity we are witnessing by our government, and about the terrifying number of people around us who seem quite fine with it all, may I suggest an alternative strategy?Days like these often call for the ‘Don’t Let Them Theory’:At a summer block party, your neighbor once again matter-of-factly launches into another racist rant over the potato salad: don’t let them. Quietly interrupt the cycle of unobstructed ignorance by affirming the humanity of people of color who are likely not present at that gathering. It might make for a brief uncomfortable moment for you, but it pales in comparison to what black people experience when they encounter your neighbor. On your social media feed, your longtime friend shares a meme making light of immigrants dying of heat stroke in a sweltering Florida concentration camp: don’t let them. Publicly and respectfully express your opposition to a cruelty that is becoming far too commonplace. It may get you unfriended, but before that happens, the disparate crowd gathered around your friend’s page will be reminded that good people still inhabit this place, and they, too, might find their outside voices.Your local school board wants to eradicate representation of LGBTQ and non-American human beings from your child’s library: don’t let them.The slow but unmistakable efforts to erase people for their gender identity or sexual orientation or nation of origin continue to prove successful on a local level because they often face little resistance from people in those communities. You need to bring that resistance. You might ruffle some feathers, and you may not prevail, but tons of your LGBTQ and foreign-born neighbors and those who love them will know they are not alone.The megachurch down the street shows up at your local PRIDE event to invade the space of human beings simply celebrating their lives and their right to exist: don’t let them.Organize with other like-hearted people and make sure the teenagers, couples, and families are physically shielded and emotionally supported. Remind bullied people that they matter and remind the bullies that you won’t abide them.While it’s true that we can’t control other human beings and that their motives, values, methods, and behaviors are beyond our ability to change, we do each have a circle of influence that provides us with incredible relational capital. Our various forms of privilege place us within certain contexts and give us an audience with specific groups of people who may be open to a message delivered by us that they might never receive in any other manner. That equity of trust is invaluable.Embracing our responsibility as members of local, national, and global communities often means disrupting patterns of discrimination, bigotry, and dehumanization, and this means calling out and confronting the words and actions of others, not because they are harming us but harming someone else.The heart of social change has always been rooted in human beings who openly and steadfastly refused to allow the inhumanity around them to go unchecked, people who would not be silenced for the sake of decorum or comfort.Our nation is facing such peril because millions of goodhearted, principled, decent human beings slowly allowed themselves to normalize brutality; turning their heads from the warning signs of fascism’s approach, who retreated into the cloistered places of personal peace and privilege rather than enduring the relational turbulence, awkward silences, and social fractures that come with speaking up. Mel Robbins is correct: people’s opinions about us are not our business, but their violence toward other human beings is. When we become aware of that violence, then it’s time for an alternative theory.So yes, take Robbin’s wisdom to heart so that you don’t waste energy and emotional resources being overly concerned about what people think of you.But as you walk into a world filled with individuals and collectives who are incessantly attempting to eradicate diversity, erase history, and destroy our Republic, please don’t let them.The Beautiful Mess by John Pavlovitz is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnpavlovitz.substack.com/subscribe