I think sometimes we just try to escape things that doesn't even make sense. Like, if we just close our eyes or don't mention it or don't talk about it, it will go away. Did you ever feel like that? That you just want to put a lid on it, hide it, and put it in a drawer and never take it out.
I have a few of those things. I was an expert in doing this. I did it for many years in my life. And finally, the things come up, of course they do.
And usually they come up stronger than what they originally was because you kept them in a drawer for so long that when you finally unpack them, it's like they explode in your face. I'm not going to go into specifics here because it involves a lot of other people. But when you do something like this to just put a lid on it or hide it or keep it from yourself and keep it from everyone else, it affects you as a person. You block something inside of you which shouldn't be blocked.
I'm not talking about keeping secrets or not sharing every single thing about yourself to everybody. No, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about things that you should be open about, things that matter, things that are a huge part of your life. And because you don't know how to deal with it, you put it in a box, hide it away, and just try and forget about it.
But it's not working. In some cases, doing that can actually make you think about it even more. In other cases, you may be forgetting about it for a while, but when it comes out again, it becomes even bigger than it already was. I have a few things that I never speak about with people.
Sometimes it's to keep myself safe because I don't want to deal with it. But at other times, and most times, it's to keep other people away from harm or away from having to deal with it. Because when you're open with something with someone, you also need them to respond to you. And it takes a lot of that to tell something big, but it also takes a lot for a person to sit on the other side of the table receiving things that is not necessarily good things.
It can be very bad things that you definitely don't want to deal with it. And I've always thought that it's not right to push those things onto people who can be innocent in the whole story, actually. And force them to have a comment about it. I have a very few amount of people where I share my life with, like truly share my life with.
If you see my pictures on Instagram or if you follow me on Facebook, most of what I put out there doesn't tell a lot about my deep feelings or my character, I think. Maybe a little bit about my character, but you won't find out what really triggers me or what upsets me or my biggest fears or my problems. I usually keep all of those things separately because I don't feel like I want to share the bullshit. I don't want to share the struggles, the pain, the insecurities, the level of problems that we all have from time to time.
I just keep it, I just keep it locked up and I don't want to deal with them. Especially not in public, especially not the people who don't know me or maybe they don't even want to know me in that level. I just want to see my pictures or comment on my status or something like this. And it's okay.
It's innocent, it's not a big deal. If you write something very powerful, something very strong, something that can affect people emotionally, you must deal with their reaction. And the worst, how can I put this on? I don't want to offend anyone.
But I hate sympathy. For me, when I have someone put so much sympathy and they like, oh poor baby, oh my god, I'm so sorry. I'm like, oh, oh, oh. It just breaks me.
It makes it harder to deal with something when they give me too much emotions back. I don't want people to be cold with me or to not react when I tell them something. But when people get so emotional over me, I get super emotional back because I don't know how to handle it. And people do it, of course, because they love me or they care for me, they want to express how they feel.
And I am so thankful that I have people like that in my life, that I have people like that who contact me or want to spend time with me and actually share these things with me. I'm thankful. But in the same time, it hurts. I am a very good listener.
I love to deal with other people's problems and shit. And I can have anyone open up to me. I have always had a job working with people and I can have conversations with strangers that most people don't have with their friends. For some reason, people find it easy to open up to me and to tell me things and to be honest with me.
And I like to be on that side of the table. But when you flip the table upside down and I'm in a hot spot, I just want to run away and hide under the table and stay there until spring because it's difficult. It's not easy to have all the spotlight directed on you. If it's something negative, I can handle it if I've done something good.
If I've done a good job or if I've achieved something excellent or something like this, I can deal with it. But if it's because I have problems or pain or I'm sick or something like this, when people focus on it and comment on it, of course I appreciate it. But it's also so painful for me because I don't want to be weak. I want to be strong.
I don't want to be the weak one who cannot deal with the stuff by myself, who must tell someone or share it to someone for their opinion or to have someone to lean on. So when I lean on someone and share something of my life with someone, it's like the biggest thing for me. It means I trust you as an individual. It means I truly believe that you as a person can benefit or help me or support me in any way.
And it also means that I care for you because I'm a very social and open person. Anyone can tell you this. But I have always had this very gifted thing or maybe it's not a gift actually. I have a talent of being social and being open but not sharing much of myself.
I can speak about anything. But people who work with me for years or people who know me for years, if I sat down with them and I asked them what do you really know about me? Like deep down? The answers would be so slim because I don't share that much.
I share some happy memories or I can tell stories of me doing this or visiting that place or something like this. But they don't know my true character, my real issues with people or life in general. And it's not even that I'm worried that someone will judge me or think badly about me or something like this because I don't actually care that much what other people think about me or feel about me. I'm my own kind of person and I always don't like this.
But for me that's okay. But in a way I think it's hard to open up when you know that you might actually push someone away for telling something deeply meaningful or very strongly opinionated things because it is actually a risk you take that they might not like it, they might not understand you or they might not be agreeing with you 100% or maybe they won't agree with you at all because it's not who they are as a person. And personally I love when we have different ethnical backgrounds, different religions, different people, different gender, different opinions. I cherish that because I think this is how we learn, this is how we grow as individuals.
But that's also what can be different difficult sometimes because we are so different. And that means when you share something what sounds good in your head might be so weird to them. Sometimes that freaks me out because I don't want someone to have a bad feeling in their stomach because they have a conversation with me and there's something I said or something I feel that maybe so far from their truth or so far from their way of life. Sometimes I wish I was more open in general and that people knew more things about me and that I didn't keep those doors closed.
But in other ways I'm doing it to protect myself in a way but also to protect them from some ugly truth but I really don't want to be out there. It's better to be hidden than to be open in the light. But I guess we all have some ghost inner closets, things we don't share, things we don't open up about and maybe that's okay. I just had this feeling tonight that I have some things that I should have shared with someone but I didn't.
And now it's been so many years since that incident happened and I couldn't possibly start to talk about it with that person because it's been too long and it's too painful to open it and it's also too complicated to start it now. It would have been much easier to just talk with it, talk with that person when it happened and not to wait 16 years or 20 years or 25 years or whatever, how many years it is. It's definitely things that are buried and I have more than one thing that is buried. And different people in my life know different things, different stories.
Even my mother don't know everything there is. Even my best friend don't know everything there is. But I guess this is just me and I will have to deal with things this way. It doesn't mean that I walk around feeling that I have so many issues and so many problems and so many things that I should talk with someone about it.
No, not at all. But I still have small things in my life that sometimes I need advice on or need to deal with or it comes up for some reason and then I don't have anyone to speak about it with because they don't know the story. And to open the story means like going back so many years. And that's all I was thinking.