EPISODE · Nov 15, 2025 · 34 MIN
Men aren't from Mars
from btrmt. lectures · host Dorian
Gender essentialism is having a moment. Everyone’s reading books about what it means to be a man or woman, and Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus keeps getting recommended to me like it’s gospel. Here’s the thing: the book perfectly illustrates a pattern we see everywhere. The same behaviours—complaining, offering advice, needing reassurance, getting defensive—are cast as reasonable when men do them and unreasonable when women do them. Gray’s men are emotionally fragile and his women just want basic partnership, but somehow it’s the women who need to lower their expectations. This isn’t about men and women. It’s about how we frame identical behaviours differently based on who’s doing them. Rather read? I also made this episode into an article: https://btr.mt/analects/men-arent-from-mars-lecture And the pieces it’s based on: https://btr.mt/analects/men-are-from-mars-women-are-from-venus-1, https://btr.mt/analects/men-are-from-mars-women-are-from-venus-2, https://btr.mt/analects/men-are-from-mars-women-are-from-venus-3. Stuff I mentioned: Men and women are from earth, fool pt. I On Gray’s credentials and Chapter 2’s absurdities Men and women are from earth, fool pt. II On how Gray’s “Martians” are actually just poorly attached people Men and women are from earth, fool pt. III On how women’s ordinary needs are cast as unreasonable Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now? - British Vogue Chanté Joseph’s viral article on modern dating Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (Wikipedia) John Gray (author) - Wikipedia Tribe: On Homecoming and Belonging - Sebastian Junger - On why young men join the military Gender essentialism Sexual dimorphism in humans Nature article on sex differences in the brain The Myth of Mars and Venus (book) Academic critique of Gray’s work Columbia Pacific University Gray’s fraudulent PhD FDA Warning Letter to John Gray’s Mars Venus LLC Women are better at using soft skills crucial for leadership - Korn Ferry Rejection sensitivity Attachment theory and styles Animals First Genetics is nurture Four Sure Signs Your Relationship is on the Rocks How to make any fight in your relationship work in your favour
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Gender essentialism is having a moment. Everyone's reading books about what it means to be a man or woman, and _Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus_ keeps getting recommended to me like it's gospel. Here's the thing: the book perfectly illustrates a pattern we see everywhere. The same behaviours—complaining, offering advice, needing reassurance, getting defensive—are cast as reasonable when men do them and unreasonable when women do them. Gray's men are emotionally fragile and his women just want basic partnership, but somehow it's the women who need to lower their expectations. This isn't about men and women. It's about how we frame identical behaviours differently based on who's doing them.
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Men aren't from Mars
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