MFP 377: When Kids Take Control: What To Do and How to Stop It

When I stopped trying to fix or change my child, and explored my own role in fostering bullying behaviors, I found the answers I needed. These behaviors were a direct consequence of my own insecurities. - Sean Grover, Ph.D. Summary Parents often make excuses for their children's outrageous behavior, whether it's a preschooler's tantrum or a teen's sullen refusal to do what he or she has been asked. Children who become unmanageable or verbally abusive to their parents are, in fact, bullies, although most parents don't think of these behaviors in that way. Maybe they should. Key Takeaways Kids aren't the problem—unchecked patterns are.  When disrespect or control shows up in a child, it often points back to gaps in parental boundaries, consistency, or self-awareness. Testing limits is normal. Running the house is not.  Kids are supposed to push boundaries, but they also need parents who confidently hold them. That's what makes them feel secure. Your parenting is shaped by your past.  How you were raised affects how you handle conflict, discipline, and respect. If you don't examine it, you'll repeat it. Inconsistency creates escalation.  When parents give in, avoid, or explode, kids learn to push harder. Over time, this can turn into manipulative or aggressive behavior. Healthy authority starts with self-control.  Calm, consistent, self-aware parenting is more powerful than strict rules or harsh discipline. Kids follow who you are, not just what you say. Couple Discussion Questions Where do we struggle most with consistency or follow-through as parents? (Be specific about situations where you tend to give in, avoid, or overreact.) How did the way we were raised shape how we respond to our kids today? (Think about conflict, discipline, and handling disrespect.) Are we aligned in how we set and enforce boundaries? If not, where are we off?  (And what's one practical change we can agree to make this week?)   Resources https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/singletons/201509/the-3-types-of-parents-who-get-bullied-by-their-own-children