Miami Mall Aliens: Panic at the Bayside

This week, we crack open Miami’s New Year’s Day “alien incident,” where a mall full of teenagers, a blurry helicopter shot, and the internet’s imagination teamed up to create the limpest extraterrestrial encounter in fringe history. We sift through stampedes, stretched shadows, and TikTok fever dreams to bring you the truth: sometimes the only thing invading is disapointment.