Most Arguments Aren't Really About What You Think

Happy Mindset Monday! You can have the best intentions in the world and still create an impact you never meant to have. That is not an indictment of your character. It is part of being human. The question is whether we are willing to become aware of it. Charlotte Brenner and I went deep into that on this episode of Living The Sweet Life. Charlotte is the co-founder and Head of Growth and Strategic Partnerships at InnerVue, where she is helping people better understand how they see themselves and how the people around them experience them. Her work sits right at the intersection of self-awareness, relationships, growth, and human connection. Pasted text Charlotte explained something I think most of us need to hear: Self-awareness is not only an internal exercise. You can journal. You can meditate. You can go to therapy. All of that can be incredibly valuable. But you are still seeing yourself through one set of eyes. Sometimes the people who love you, work with you, live with you, and experience you regularly can show you something about yourself that you cannot see alone. The goal is not to let other people define you. The goal is to become curious enough to ask whether your impact matches your intention. That becomes especially important during conflict. Charlotte shared a concept she calls the undertruth. The thing we are fighting about is often not what we are actually fighting about. The dishwasher is not the problem. The late arrival is not the problem. The couch is not the problem. Underneath the argument, somebody may be saying: “I don’t feel seen.” “I don’t feel appreciated.” “I don’t feel safe.” “I feel like I’m doing this alone.” Getting to the undertruth does not eliminate hard conversations. It makes them more honest. And honest conversations give us a much better chance at connection. Pasted text We also talked about trust, feedback, self-belief, and why the people closest to you often have the most useful perspective because they are not commenting on a highlight reel. They have actually experienced you. Charlotte said something else that I loved: awareness gives you the ability to choose. You do not have to change everything somebody says about you. You do not have to become a different person. You just get more information. Then you decide. That is power. And toward the end, we got into something that means a lot to me personally: consideration. I described consideration as the desire to give effort before the effort is required. I do not want the people in my life to have to fall apart before I notice them. I want to pay attention. I want to ask. I want to know what is happening in their week. I want to see them. That is not only romantic love. That is friendship. Leadership. Family. Community. Human connection. Listen to the full episode and ask yourself: Where might there be a gap between the person I intend to be and the person other people are actually experiencing? That is not a question for shame. It is a question for curiosity.