Welcome, everyone, to another exciting, chock-full of entertainment episode of Movie Mastery. Why, it is I, your host, John, and with me, as always, my co-host, Jeff, my co-pilot, as we steer through these waters of movies that you, for some reason, sent me a DVD of. I'm chock-full of something. Yeah, chock, I guess. Yeah, I'm full of some chocks. I think that's the original version of that proverb. Yes, the proverbs. From proverbs in the Bible. Chock-full of nuts, one of the original proverbs. I'm not full of chock. Originally...
From the Bible. From the Bible. I think it's Psalm 1322. Yes. Not from Proverbs. This Proverbs from Psalms. I thought the Psalms were Proverbs, and the Proverbs were other Proverbs. Proverbs were different Proverbs. And there's no such thing as Psalms. There's no such thing as a Psalm. That's a song. I'm going to be honest with you. Very honest with you. I forgot Proverbs was its own book. That's okay. I don't blame you. I knew Psalms existed. And that's all I can ask of you. Okay, good. I'm glad to know I passed the minimum by knowing that Psalms is a thing. Yeah, look. Not many people are into the Proverbs, okay? I just forgot it was a book.
Everyone's just real into the shitty books and then the ones everyone knows. Everyone likes the first and second books of the Old Testament and the first four books and last book of the New Testament, right? That's pretty much all you need to know. Once you start getting into either the baguettes or into the letters from Paul, you're like, ah, okay. Letter to the Ephesians, pass. I'm good. This is a one-page book. You can kiss my ass. And then when you're like, oh, Kings 2. Oh, that's a page-turner. Oh, boy. Maccabees. This sure is a page and a half where the entire story is, God said go beat up the Maccabees. And yay, we did. Honestly, Maccabees should be the chain restaurant you stop at halfway through the Bible. It's true. Maccabees? Ooh, I thought they closed. I'm going to get a pull-apart garlic.
monkey bread. I thought they went the way of Bennigan's. Bennigan is a classic and traditional Bible name. Oh, yeah. Bennigan Maccabee, you're a good cop, but you're a terrible husband.
So we watched a movie. I was sent a DVD. Actually, I was sent one of those, here's seven shitty movies in one collection. So you picked a name then? Well, the top one is Croczilla. But then they were like, we also put seven other shitty things in here that we had the rights to. Should have watched one of those. Nah. I assume they're all the same. Probably. So we watched Croczilla. It's a 2012 movie that is a Chinese film. It's a Chinese film. It is not one of those like Sharktopus versus Croc.
Yeah, whatever. I was looking for triple-headed squid shark versus robot doctor or whatever. Yeah, no. It's not one of the sci-fi originals. It's not... Yeah, robot doctor. I must treat your wounds, three-headed squid shark. Your mother is dead. I have some bad news. Please be seated. Yeah, no. This one is much less about ridiculous sci-fi nonsense and much more like if Lake Placid was G-rated. Yes, yeah. And very boring. Oh, it's super boring because it's a movie that wants to, like...
be on the outside like yeah we're a monster movie we're gonna be about this giant croc and it's gonna fucking kill people and remind me again what the uh what the tagline of this movie was japan was just the appetizer yeah suggesting that that this is a godzilla movie this is some kind of kaiju because yeah that's zilla in the name and also you know godzilla famously primarily eats japan over and over again or defends japan from i don't know a big rosebush stuff there's all kinds of stuff a big rose man look up biolante some kind get back to me i'm never going to say that anyone who tells me something godzilla fought is fake yeah Biolante is basically a giant rosebush. Look, he had to defend Japan from Charles Barkley. Charles Barkley and all kinds of other horrible things. Just Gnarls Barkley. Sonny and Cher working together.
This movie is very bad. Let me just say, before we get into the spoilers, it is boring. And the spoiler-free review of this, without any real spoilers, is that this is basically like the worst of those kaiju movies without it actually being a giant monster and it just being sort of a big animal. Yes. Basically, by the halfway point, I was wishing that instead it had been one of those sci-fi asylum mockbuster movies rehabilitating the career of some D-list 80s sitcom actor. You know, like, oh, Lorenzo Lamas is in this. Ooh. Yeah, no, instead we got...
what if mighty Joe young was even shittier in about a crocodile? It is. Um, It's a snooze. It's not good. And we will tell you why, but I mean, mostly it's because it was boring. Yeah. I'm already missing the age, though, of that brief period, only like 10 years ago, when you could go to Walmart and be like, ooh, 50 movies for $12. What a bargain. That's gone now because they just stream them and they can just charge whatever. Yeah, that's not a thing. So the whole era of packaging 10 absolute garbage movies into the thing that's called like Psycho Clown Adventures, 10 movie compilation. Yeah, you're not going to get that anymore because now they're just like, oh, all the shittiest movies just are like, hey, Netflix, here's our movie. Please give us a dollar.
We're at 824 or whatever. Oh, 824 makes actual movies. Who am I thinking of? Who made Happy Death Day? I don't know, man. I'll have to look it up. Go ahead. I'm sorry. No, what I'm saying is... Send us to the thing. You'd normally get, like, full moon. That's the people that would do that shit. Yeah.
No, what I was saying is that the new thing is... The new thing. The new thing is that major production companies will churn out shit movies because they have, like, contract deals with the streaming services. Yeah. So they'll just be like, even though we are the big company that made, like, The Witch or whatever, we also made a movie called, like, Fighting for Your Life, and it cost $8, and it's on Paramount+, and no one will ever watch it. It's just there so that there are things to scroll through. We are contractually obligated to give you a movie. Yeah, literally just there so that when you turn on Paramount+, you're like, wow, there's just Star Trek here. There should be more than Star Trek. Huh. I feel like. Weird.
Anyway. Don't watch it. We will be right back. We are going to get deep into the Croc's mouth as we talk about all of the many and wondrous things that happen in Croczilla. We're back. You throw dance party at me, I throw dance party at you. Oh no, don't do that.
I don't have very good reflexes. I said that randomly between the episode bits and you were like visibly shaken by it. I don't know what happened. Yeah. No, for a minute I was like, I can't process things anymore. It was like a hard reboot on the system. It's your secret reset code. Yeah, it was weird. It was a very weird time in my life and I'd thank you not to bring it up again. Bring up what again? Exactly. Say it. Not the movie, certainly. That's boring. We can do anything else. We can do literally anything else. Right now, name your discussion topic.
I could go get my Coca-Cola Starlight out of the fridge. Oh, shoot. That's in the freezer. We might need to time out in this recording. Ooh, hold on. I wanted to make it extra cold. Okay. Okay. It's going to seem like movie magic, but we're going to have a Starlight right now. Aha. So magical. So magical. It definitely didn't pause and go get a soda. No. So I guess we're doing a Who Drinks This Cheap Shit for the Coca-Cola Starlight right now? Yeah, I guess. I just want to make sure because you're just drinking a soda hot air without that much preamble. Nope. Look, Croxilla is the kind of movie where you will do literally anything else.
And yes, this is 100% just cotton candy. All right. Here we go. Yeah, get that down your gullet. Ah. Yeah. Yeah, someone took a Coke, and then a big thing of cotton candy and melted it in there, stirred it around, and put it in a bottle. It's Coca-Cola Starlight. Got fucked up, and here it is. Oops. I like that they tried to pass it off with some vague thing that was like, oh, it tastes like watching the stars in a campout or something. Yeah, it tastes like watching the stars from a haunted carnival. It tastes like rinsing the circus out of your mouth. No, it's rinsing the circus into your mouth.
Yeah, it's a lot like gargle in a clown's balls. That's a lot. That's what they should have called it. Coca-Cola. Clown's balls. Clown's ball gargle.
I think Coca-Cola Clown Balls is probably not the big hit that they would get. But I gotta tell you, I'd buy it. You'd be more likely to buy it than another round of Starlight. Like, even if they re-released this flavor and just called it Coca-Cola Clown Balls. Clown Balls. You'd be like, well, I know it's just Starlight again, but... Well, no, because they wouldn't say it. They'd be like, and now our new flavor, Clown Balls. And I'd be like, ooh. I'm like, oh, this is just Starlight again. I was hoping for something more authentic to the Clown Ball experience. I wanted something that tasted a little more like grease paint. And yes, I will answer all of your questions. Something more like grease paint and grease and paint.
The movie Grease, not the musical. Clown balls now with more Grease taint flavor. So anyway, there's like these crocodiles. There's these fucking crocodiles in a big pen. So the beginning is interesting, at least. Yeah. In that they've got a cool like art, like painting thing beginning where someone's out in the wilderness of a place that isn't just China. Yeah. Yeah. Talking about how crocodiles are a delicacy in certain parts of China, like where criminals go. Yeah. I mean, it's basically.
The opening is go get some croc and then take it to an illegal black market for animals. Yes. Yeah. There's even a scene of that. There's a scene in like a fish market, but they're all like haggling over crocodiles. Yeah. And you have to assume this is just one of those like, yeah, we got tigers here. We got all sorts of dumb nonsense. Yeah. You only ever see crocodiles. And it seems as though the dude who's there shopping for crocodiles runs a crocodile only restaurant. I mean, the evil guy that we see is like, yeah, I run some sort of, I guess, either crocodile themed or that's the big draw is like, oh, you can't get crocodile here.
So this is the only place you can get it because I pay good money for it. I pay top dollar for illegal crocodile. And now you can only live crocodiles. We kill them on site. Although weirdly, I mean, the movie opens with him getting some crocodiles and we'll talk about where and how. But when he gets in there, it's like, great. OK, kill them all. And I'm like, but I thought the whole point was that you saved live crocodiles for, you know, like I said, a crocodile style lobster tank. You know, I want you to kill that crocodile. But no, they didn't have that. Well, I mean, in the very beginning, it's like, I don't know, 10 years or something before the movie actually takes place. Yeah. Our main guy is trying to get a crocodile. They find our.
main Croczilla there, who is just a baby at this point, but he's like, oh, this one's already dead. It's no good to me if they're already dead. I want them fresh. Yeah, and then he bonks it on the face and it comes roaring to life and snaps at him. And he is saved by a hero of the film? By grandpa. It probably has a name, but grandpa. Yeah, he's got some name, but he's grandpa, even though he is no one's grandpa. That's true. He is not a grandpa of anybody, but everyone calls him grandpa, and he's just like a dude who raises Crocs. And it's the weirdest thing, because at that point in the movie, he's all like...
You know, he's playing to sell the crocodile to this obvious fat gangster man. And then when the croc attacks, he like bonks it on the nose of the bamboo stick. But he's like, I paid 300 yuan. It can't be dead. And they're like, well, it is dead. He's like, no, this was my life's work. But then I guess his life's work is actually raising them himself. I don't. Or is it someone else who said he just showed up and rescued the guy from the crocodile? No, he just showed up and rescued him. Oh, it was his crocodile. All right, never mind. No, he basically just comes out of nowhere as soon as the croc starts attacking the gangster. Okay. Like closes its mouth with a bamboo pole, which is his signature thing. Yes. And he's just like.
This crocodile is mine. And I'm like, what? He claims the crocodile. That's not how that works. That dude already bought that crocodile.
Well, yeah, but no one else can close its mouth, so that's the story. Also, I'm going to go ahead and say this right now. Normally, I'm a huge asshole when you get stuff wrong in the movies, and I understand that's a failing of mine. That is me being an asshole to you when you don't remember something in a movie, when the movie sucks and it doesn't matter. I don't know why we're getting the whole mea culpa. I feel like I'm in my... But what I want to say is, I have a feeling the shit that just happened right now is going to happen continually because this movie is bad and pointless, and even I was like, I'm going to do something else while this is on. No, I feel like that might be the only time for me. I have a fairly solid grasp on what happens here.
Definitely for sure. No, given that the only other scene that I have talked with you with, you got it wrong as well. I evoked some uncertainty. I didn't make a completely wrong claim, which I think was the smart one. At least in that case, I would have known to hold my tongue. So anyway, the next scene is a little kid walking home from school. Yeah, and this little kid just got his report card, and he's...
He is the little kid in a kaiju movie. He's like, oh, he's my friend. Don't hurt this giant monster. He is friend to all children. He only eats the bad people. He doesn't even eat the bad people. This movie's boring. Yeah. In the entirety of this film, the actual... Amau, the crocodile. Amau, the croc, eats one person. Yes. Two people die, one of them because of Amau, but not because he eats them, and one directly from Amau chowing down. That's it. That's it. It's a low death count in this film. Also, it's a low anything count.
Sperm count. It's got very little sperm. The only thing it's not light on is little boy's penises. Heavy on the little boy penis in this movie, in case that's something you wanted to know. Spoiler alert! This just in. Movie features at least two, and potentially too many, actually definitely too many, little boy penises. Yeah, because our...
Our little boy here, his dad works for the police, but his dad is just sort of a joke at the police for us. He's Wong Wei Wong. They call him Wong Wei Wong, but they say Wong both times. Yep. And he's bad at shooting. That's his whole deal. Yep. He can't hit a target. And he also, I guess, just sucks because I can't imagine they're like, yeah, we don't normally have guns on our day-to-day routine. Yeah. So you have to go and request them. And we already established he definitely has sort of a...
antagonistic relationship with a guy who works at the equipment counter for reasons that are never fully explained. Can I tell you, the guy who worked at the equipment counter, one, seemed very familiar, like I had seen him in something else, and two, is probably my favorite character in this movie. He has two scenes, and he makes a meal out of both of them. Boy, how are you? But yeah, little boy walking home, and he is just a generic Chinese kaiju movie little boy. Weirdly, this movie was filmed in Japan. I'm still not clear on why they did that. I don't know if there was something they were getting, like, either the location was great, or they got a tax break, or what. But it's, you know, Chinese cast, Chinese movie, set in China, you know, diegetically, but... Yeah, but filmed in Japan. But anyway, he's walking home, and along his walk home, he passes by a big paddock full of crocodiles with a...
an old fence around it that he can easily slip through. And as he's hanging out by the croc paddock, he starts unwrapping a candy bar and his report falls out of his hands and into the croc paddock. Yeah. Now this kid has zero fear. Yes. One, he already knows the giant croc, Amal, and seems to, you know, have previously been friends with him because he's just like, her, by the way. Oh, her. That's true. It's very clearly a lady. Yeah. Eyelashes, bow.
Huge purse. Very inappropriately crocodile skin. Huge titties. Bomb titties. Juicy titties. Weird spot on the body, but you know, it's crocodile titties. There's a standard. No standards here. You can do whatever you want. Just moral righteousness. Put them wherever.
So he just goes wandering in, and the other small crocodiles in there just flee from his presence. They're just like, oh, crap, it's this kid. Let's get the hell out of here. Yes, and then he makes his way towards, he gets his report and picks it up, and at first I was like, because at this point I was still willing to believe that this was an actual film where things would happen. So as he picks up his report, he's like, I'm going to read my report now, standing here in this crocodile paddock. I was like, oh, I see, they're setting up tension for later. No.
No. Even though it's a whole scene where you're like, you know, if you're watching a real animal attack movie, you'd be like, kid, get out of there! What are you staying in the paddock for, kid? Go! Move! Someone's gonna rescue this kid, but he could do whatever. No. He could lie down and take a nap. Yeah, because the, I mean, all of the crocodiles in this are just CGI. Yes. And the big one in here, he's like, oh, hey, Mal, what's up? And then it, like, takes... Now...
I thought it was also a candy bar, but at some point... He just mentioned that it's ham, yes. I think he just had, like, a hot dog in his pocket. Like a single-wrapped... Yeah, because he does bite the wrapper off it, so it could very well be a single-wrapped sausage. But yeah, there is a point later in the movie where he's like, well, a man might eat you, but I think he'd be more likely to eat the delicious ham of my pocket, or whatever. And you're like, what? Ham? Okay, but I guess maybe that's what that was then, sure. Yeah, you know... Hey, you remember Gobblers? Gobblesticks? Yeah, I do remember Gobblesticks, yeah. You remember that? Like that, only... I mean, it's just like a Slim Jim, too. I mean, Gobblesticks was basically just, what if you had a turkey dog in your pocket and it was nasty?
And then you just ate it. John, I have interesting news for you. I always have a nasty turkey dog. Also, I'm glad you decided to say interesting news and not good news. Good news, John. Turkey dogs for everyone. Nasty ones. Look, this one's honey flavored. Oh, God, why? Why would it be honey flavored? Oh, no. Why did you do this? This is a turkey dog starlight. Look, I got a pizza one. No. Out. The ocean. Go. You want my ocean flavored one?
I got it as a limited edition thing from Sonic. Technically, it's sea urchin row flavored, but people say it tastes like the ocean. That's what people say. It doesn't. It tastes like a salty, fishy turkey dog. It tastes like a salty surprise right from my pocket. But yeah, he's got a food. How about we just go with that? He's got a food. He's got a little meat stick and he wraps his report around the meat stick and then just throws it into the alligator's mouth and is like, here you go. Here, eat this thing a mouth. You get one alligator.
I'll get as many as I want. I don't care. That's why you already did say that you're going to be super forgiving of me this episode. Yeah, I was like, yo, this episode's going to suck and I don't care. And then here I am being all serious about the taxonomy. Well, yeah, because that's the thing I assume you'll be dancing about. The only thing I care about, yeah. Sea lions! I get really mad about seal sea lion. I know. Sage told her grandma recently that the snails are gastropods. Nice. And grandma was like, what? Why would you? And I was like, because proper taxonomy starts at home, mom. If I don't talk to her about it, someone else will.
That's also why she thinks that roly-polies are called isopods. Fuck. Because they are called isopods, or wood lice, not roly-poly. Anyway, I gotta get the point across, though. Why does he wrap up his meat in his report card? Because he failed something at school. Oh. And so he's like, oh, I gotta get rid of this report card so that I get rid of the evidence. It's like a dog ate my homework type situation here. Yeah, see, that was confusing to me because at first you think, all right, well, he dropped the report into the crocodile pit.
Okay, good. If you don't want your dad to get the report, good. It fell in the crocodile pit. Done. You can stop there. You don't have to keep talking. But then he goes in and retrieves it, carefully retrieves it, flips through it a little bit, and then is like, hi, Amal. I just want to say hi to you, my friend Amal. Here's, you want meat? You want meat, Amal? I threw my report card in your mouth, and you're like, you took multiple steps to accomplish a one-step task. Yeah, the thing is, I feel like this is the kind of kid that you'd have to, he like, has to tell the truth, like he's been cursed by a witch. If he fell in the alligator pit, it would be enough truth. Yeah, but then his dad, his dad would be like, well, we're going to go get it then. I guess that's fair.
It's not going to be there. Any small amount of wind is going to blow it into crocodile water. It's fine. Give me that croc water. I guess, I mean, logically you could say that what happens is he goes into the croc pit, he gets his report card, he flips through it, like we mentioned, and then he finally, for the first time ever, actually looks at it and is like, oh no, I failed. I got a D in not going in croc pits. And then he throws it in the croc's mouth. Maybe that works. Maybe. But then Grandpa shows up and is like, hey man, get the fuck out of there. Yeah, that's like the jump scare from this entire movie is suddenly a thing happens and it's just that the kid got seized from behind by Grandpa. Yeah.
Guy's like, get out of the pit. What are you doing in here? I'm saying hi to Amau. He's like, don't. Leave Amau alone. Amau is very big and cranky. Now, this scene doesn't just end there because this scene is, you know, there's two scenes that happen here. The other one is a bunch of dumb gangsters show up because they have purchased all these crocodiles and they are going to take them now. But they left the big fat gangster that we saw in the beginning of the film at home because they are posing as like a legitimate crocodile farm who's like, yeah, we're going to take them. We're going to feed them. We're going to raise them. This is not just so that we can butcher them later. Yes. Because this guy.
loves the crocodiles. He used to do, like, performance with them. He would, like, crawl into a mouse mouth and shit. Yeah, for a long time, they have been his livelihood. And now he is selling them off. Because no one wants to go see Crocs anymore. And he mentions that they are starving. When he's like, you can't go talk to a mouse kid. All these crocodiles are starving. Yeah, I don't have enough money to feed them all. So the scene is interesting because it's got, like, multiple points to it. Number one, he can't afford to feed the crocodiles anymore. And he's selling them off. But then the kid's like, why are you selling them? And the guy doesn't answer. He just looks off stoically. And that's pretty much Grandpa in general is looking off stoically as his number one feature. And then also owning a bamboo stick. Hell yeah.
It turns out later in the film, he might be selling off the crocodiles to patch up his broken home life. Yeah, it might be not just that he can't take care of them anymore, which he very clearly seems like he can't. But he's like, oh, I got to get rid of them so that I can reconcile with my wife who left me because my obsession with crocodiles got to be too much. Yeah. And he's got like a daughter at home. And yeah, so there's a whole thing. There's a bunch going on.
Uh, but the gangsters show up and they're like, yeah, we're a fake, uh, fake zoo guys show up and like, yeah, we're here. We're going to get the crocodiles. Don't worry. They're going to be great. And then they're going to go to a nice farm and they'll have plenty to eat. And then they bumble around a bunch and they're too scared of a Mao. I mean, granted that's fair. A Mao is, fuck yeah. A Mao is 36 feet long. Yes. Uh, absolutely enormous crocodile, bigger than crocodiles actually get. Oh yeah. No, it's a monster. It is very much a mighty Joe young crocodile. And so they're like, well, we can't, I don't know how to deal with this thing. We could shoot darts at it, but they're just going to break off on its thick, skewty skin. Skewty. Uh, so they finally, they just get grandpa. They're like, Hey, can you like,
Subdue the big one. Can you get that one? We can't do it. I would have thought he'd be like, yeah, for an extra hundo. Yeah, for a dollar. Just go in there and slap its dick. Wait for it to evert its dick from its cloaca and slap it around a little. But yeah, he just goes in there and tricks Amau into opening her mouth and then they shoot a bunch of darts into her mouth. Yeah, one of the big tricks in this is that if you tap a sequence with the bamboo pole, then that's like, he has worked and trained with this crocodile for so long that that's like the, hey, come over here signal. So he taps out like a Morse code thing and Amau comes out, opens his...
opens her mouth, and then they shoot a ton of darts into there, and there you go. And she falls asleep. And that's the end of that, because they have enough CGI for Amal to, like, walk around, but that's all. So any shot of Amal being lifted onto a crane or something, that would be crazy. So instead, we follow the boy back to his house, where his dad, who seems to be being portrayed as, like, the town idiot as well as the cop. Yeah, no, he is the bumbling dork that, like, everyone on the force is like, ah, you suck, and you'll never be any good. And he's...
trying to work on his aim by playing Duck Hunt. Yeah, that's just sort of a classic of the Chinese cinema we've had to watch is a main character who's sort of a bumbling, unrespected, can't quite talk right dope, who gets a good happy ending anyway. It's interesting because we don't... really get, he's not that dopey. No, we don't get dopey stuff except for the gangsters. Like, as far as our main characters go, honestly, the lady that we will get to is, oh God, the worst. Yeah, I want to blame a lot of the problems with the lady in this movie on her voice acting. Like, the dubbing of her voice, because it's the same repetitive crap over and over again. And I feel like we might have lost some of the nuance of her performance from the translation. You know what? I watched this movie and I don't think so. I'm just trying to give it a little benefit of the doubt. But no, his son shows up and he's like, all right, give me the report card. And the kid's like, a Mao ate it. And he's like, what the fuck is it a Mao? And again, this is the point where we realize that, because the kid has been calling the old man Grandpa.
the whole thing and we're like that kid must be this guy's grandson no he's not they're not related he just knows this guy yeah they just know each other and are friendly with each other yeah so the guy doesn't have any grandkids and so when he he's like oh i fed him to a mao grandpa was there and he was like he's like what who's a mao what's on a mao what's a grandpa not much what's a grandpa with you uh but he gets mad at the kid obviously the kid threw his report card away because he got a bad grade and then they do a thing where they're like chasing each other around the table also we set up the one main character trait of wrong way wong which is that he's got bad aim and he's practicing all the time on a bootleg duck hunt game yep I call it bootleg because his light gun, his zapper, looks like a real pistol, which I've only ever seen those as like novelty things, like made aftermarket by collectors, and they usually look more like cowboy pistols than this thing, which looks like a .38 special. Yeah. I honestly doubt that's actually a functioning light gun. It is probably just a prop gun they had and stuck a wire to. I'm sure that's what it was. Because it's supposed to look the exact same as the gun he gets when he gets a gun later in the movie. Yes. But he's practicing on duck hunt, and he is terrible at it. And the little kid makes fun of him and calls him wrong way Wong, and so on. They have a conversation about how the mom of this family...
went to Italy a number of years ago and for cigarettes. Yeah. She hasn't come back yet. That's going to become an even more confusing plot line real soon. But you know, the dad's like, well, I have to go to work. Give me your arm because I'm going to draw on it. So you can't go swimming while I'm gone. He's like, I want to go swimming. No, what you're going to do because you threw your report card away is here's a bowl. It has 5,000 kernels of corn in it. I'm going to take a handful and then you're going to tell me how many kernels are left in that bowl because I'm going to come back and having counted however many are in my hand. And then if you get it wrong, I'll know you fucked off. And also I'm going to write in.
like Sharpie on your arm, and so if you go in the water, it'll wash off, and I'll know you went that way, too. I'm just covering bases here. Ultimately, it doesn't matter whether he covers his bases or not, because the kid's a delinquent. Oh, yeah. So the kid's like, I don't want to count corn. You can't make me do this. I'm just, why would you do this? And then the dad leaves to go to work, and within a second, a shoe gets thrown through this kid's window, and it's other kids, and they're like, you are going swimming, are you not? And he's like, you're goddamn right I am. And he just fucks off out the window. Yep. He's just like, yeah, no, I don't give a shit. Now it's time to meet the woman from the movie, and she is in a nice car being driven by like a...
a sleazy boyfriend or something. And she is hiding on her person in a big, massive, gaudy gold belt. 100,000 euros. My euros? Her euros. My euros. Which she earned by making belts at a store. Purses. Purses at a store in Italy. And she has all the money. She's been saving for eight years.
Her boyfriend has been here for eight years while she's been making her money in Italy. And she brought it back as euros, not yuan. She hasn't converted them. No, and she didn't just put it in a bank and use a credit card because they'll charge a 1% fee. And she's like, that's 1,000 euros. 1,000 euros. I'm not giving that up. And as to why she hasn't transmitted it to yuan yet, it's because the exchange rate is particularly good at the moment. I think they set it up as 1 euro, 210 yuan. Well, yeah, they were like, this is a million dollars for us and our currency. So that's awesome. And she wants something to drink. She wants some water.
He's got a can of water in the glove box. Yeah, you don't know. Maybe the canes of water are a big thing there. In the glove box? Ew. I don't want your glove box water. That's a luxury car. You don't know that's not a chilled glove box. I do. Maybe that's a new thing that luxury cars are doing these days. These days. They keep driving up with ways to make luxury cars luxurious. Like, look, we know nobody's driving around with gloves anymore. This is now a cooler. It's an ice box.
But are we saying that glove boxes were originally for gloves? Yes. That's what we are saying. How nice. Yes. Because you would drive around with gloves on. Yes. And then you'd use them to challenge people to do L's. Or if you were a lady, you might put your gloves in the glove box. That makes sense. But yeah, as she's digging through the glove box for a can of water, she finds instead someone else's panties. Lacy panties. She's like, these aren't mine. Tell me who they are. And then who's they are. And he doesn't respond. And so eventually she wants to get out of the car. It's a comedy scene where she keeps saying, who's are these? And he's just sitting there. And then when she finally gets out of the car and slams the door, he's like, wait, I can explain.
Yeah. And I was like, dude, you're terrible at this. The correct response was, oh, no, those are yours. Happy birthday. Exactly. That's the way out. That's the devious mind shit that you were like, I was just waiting until you said you were thirsty. I got you a sexy pair of underwear. Don't smell them. It's been eight years since I've seen you, and these are yours now. I mean, the only other option is the, oh, those are mine. I wear those. Now shame me. That's part of it. Now tell me I'm a dirty boy.
Just be like, no, those are my grandmother's. Those are my grandmother's sexy red and black silk thongs, you know. You know. She took them off in the car because of an emergency. We had to do it.
She's like, well, please stop the car. I need to leave even more now. Most of these I've been okay with. And now we're done. But she gets out and the guy's like, all right, well, fuck it. Bye. Drives off. And in the world of 2012, there is no one that she can call on her cellular phone that will come pick her up. Yeah, she just calls him and calls him an asshole again. And even though she has a phone, it's the weirdest thing to me that she has a phone and she's like, got it, but no one will come get her. No.
There's no such thing as in the year of 2012 Uber. Like a taxi of some kind. There's no taxis. She doesn't know anybody in town. You'd think a taxi would be a fine solution given that she has an insane amount of money on her. You'd think. But then again, it isn't in yuan. It isn't euros. That was probably a mistake. And it's all like 500 euro notes. So it's not even like, oh.
Yeah, it's in euros, but I could at least, like, use them. No, no one's going to take a 500 euro note from you. Yeah, I gotta say, I'm still a little disappointed in her thinking that she was like, I can't put it on a bank card, they'll take 1.5%, and I was like, what do you think a money changer's going to take? When you go in, you're like, I would like to trade these out for a yuan that I can spend on things, and you're like, yeah, that's going to be like 10%. Yeah. You should have just put it in the bank. Just put it in the glass. But anyway, she is so unable to find a ride or anything that she gives up and stomps off into a rice field. Yeah, she's going through, I believe it's actually a tea field. Oh, okay, that's fair. Yeah, you're right, that's what it is. Those are tea bushes. Yeah, yeah. And...
There's a crocodile. Oh, well, I mean, the crocodile, we have to get through the part where it escapes still. Let's do that real quick. It gets dragged back to that gangster restaurant, and we get a scene of what the gangster restaurant is like as our fat gangster, who from this point forward in the movie will never wear a closed shirt again. Oh, goodness, no. He's got to be nips a poppin' all day. Yeah, gut a bustin'. No, if he is thinking of something, he has to be rubbing on the sides of that stomach. He's got to be giving himself a good old-fashioned pot belly rub down. Yeah, just base that sucker. It's almost ready for Thanksgiving. But anyway, they deliver the crocodiles, and he's like, finally, I own the crocodiles with the old man who would never sell me his crocodiles. Now murder them.
They kill one, and then they go to try and kill a Mao, and a Mao's like, uh-uh, no, you're not killing me. And whirls around, and in one of only two kills in this whole boring movie, knocks the butcher guy over, doesn't kill him, just accidentally gets him with her tail, and he goes flying into a pit of crocodiles, and they get him. Yeah, he goes into the croc pen, and they grab him. Yeah. And then she's just like, all right, I'm out. Peace out. I'm running at 30 miles an hour out of this movie. Goodbye. Oh, no, I just realized someone's trying to film this. This is terrible. Burks through fences and everything and just runs away. I love that they give crocodiles the ability to just sort of like...
nose first slam through things? Yes. Like, that's not normally a talent that I would assume a crocodile should have, regardless of size. Basically, a mouse follows the same rules giant animals always do, which is you get big enough and suddenly walls and fences and the like are no longer an impediment ever. Like, you think, oh, doesn't it still have sensitive tissue there? Would it recoil in pain? Yeah, if it shoves its big dumb face into a wall, it'd be like, ow, fuck, ow, why? But instead it just becomes impervious to pain and also becomes bulletproof. Yeah. Except in its mouth.
Like, animals all become bulletproof when they exceed their normal size. Uh-huh. You see, like, a foot-long mosquito? Watch out, that fucking thing is bulletproof now. Yeah, it doesn't matter about the size you get to. It's proportional size. Yeah. Once you get to a...
degree of larger than what you normally are. Bulletproof just comes with the package. Yeah, so now we are set up for the scene in which she encounters a 36-foot crocodile while walking through the aisles of this tea field. Yep, and she freaks out, obviously, because who wouldn't? I think my favorite moment here, and maybe this is just a read I had, I don't know if you had it too, but when she first sees the crocodile, she's like, G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G- This is a narrow thing. I'm very wide, please. Look, I hate to do this, but if you could, you know, to the side. Scoot just a bit. And instead, Lady screams and runs off towards a nearby climbable pole. Yeah, climbs up and then starts whacking Amau with her purse. Which is enough to make Amau irritated. Amau is not a mean animal. No, Amau bites the purse. It's like, oh, this is the thing that's hitting me. I don't want this purse to be hitting me. I'm going to take this from you so you can't hit me with it anymore. Grab that. That's mine now. And then just fucks off. After it eats the purse, except for the straps, the woman, whose name I honestly do not remember. I don't know. The woman. She's still screaming and flailing with her eyes closed. And then when she opens them, Amau's gone.
Well, I ate the purse because the purse was hitting it and then it's gone. Yeah. Jan is her name. Okay, Jan. All right. And, you know, she's just like, oh no, my Euros. And now we'll say my Euros 5,000 times for the rest of this film. Yeah, that's the rest of her dialogue in the movie until at one point she has an out of nowhere arbitrary heart shift and actually says, I no longer care about my Euros. Yeah, but for like...
An hour and a half long movie, you get like an hour of this lady going, my euros. Who will do something about my euros? Save my euros. 100,000 euros. Euros. My euros. I'm like, yeah, I get it. You're euros. So while this is happening, we get a two-character comedy scene between a very cross-eyed woman who is working in the tea field and a very come-overed man who is an insurance salesman. Yep.
And the insurance salesman wants to sell this tea field woman life insurance because she works in a very dangerous profession. And she's like, how do I work in it? I work in a tea field. And he's like, you could get sunburned. A crocodile might eat you. You get struck by lightning. And as he says, a crocodile might eat you up, comes Yan. He's like, a crocodile, a crocodile. Hey, my euros. My euros. And so, you know, it's just that. Later on, these two characters will show up again briefly to be interviewed by the police officer, by Wong, who's like, did you see a crocodile? Yes, it's huge. And you're a cop and you're in a dangerous business and you should buy my insurance. He's like, stop that. Which I love. I love the no but improv reactions everyone has to this guy. Honestly.
That's the great thing about Wong in this is it's like he's set up to be the bumbling, like, you kind of suck and everyone looks down on you. But honestly, his entire deal is I don't give a fuck. Yeah. And like when the lady comes into the police office, like, oh, crocodile, you buy euros. He's like, all right, let me take your statement. Sit down. Crocodile, eight euros. Now, what are you going to do about it? What I'm going to do is file a report.
sit down yeah like his kid doesn't respect him and neither do a lot of people at his precinct or whatever but ultimately he seems like he's a responsible guy yeah and again like when the insurance guy comes up he's just like no it's just great I mean granted Jan had the same reaction when he was like you should buy my insurance if a crocodile is about and she was like no and or just stop it and then the same thing from this guy who's just he's like hey buy insurance from me cops could be shot in the line of work and he's like stop it okay anyway you know what no I love that he just ends the joke he's just like no No, your bit is terrible and I hate it. I'm only in two scenes in this movie. You have to let me do my bit. That's all I've got. No. Maybe do comb over material. Get better material.
But yeah, she screams, runs the police station, meets Wong. Wong, as we mentioned, just is like, fine, I'll take your statement. Takes the statement, but she spends most of the movie trying her best to figure out either how to kill the croc or retrieve her money from the crocodile. She's all about it. Yep. Wants that money back. And then just shit happens. Yeah, we get our little boy penises as the kids go to the dam to go swim. And this is set up to be like, oh no, these children, because here comes a mouth. And there's a drunk guy there.
And the drunk guy's sitting by the lake where all these naked kids are. He's the only one who manages to see now. Oh, he thinks he's a dinosaur. Yeah, he just starts yelling, it's a dinosaur, it's a dinosaur. And then the kids start throwing rocks at him because he's a pervy old drunk, they say. Yep. And then... How's he pervy? You're the ones who were naked. Put some clothes on, you heathens. Disgusting. Inappropriate.
But yeah, at this point, we eventually get to a point where someone tells him like, oh yeah, hey Wong, a man would probably be headed back to like where she came from. Go towards some water, you know, like the dam. And he's like, oh shit, that's where kids are swimming. Yeah, he's like, he's been sighted. It's convoluted. He gets warned to go to the dam when he goes there. This movie is a people constantly berate each other at length movie. So when he goes there, Jan is with him and she is just constantly yelling about this crocodile in my Euros. I know that's a very unpleasant drink. Man, every time I take another sip of that Starlight, I'm like, whoo-hoo. I got the Mountain Dew Frostbite or whatever recently, which tastes for all the world like melted down blue raspberry Slurpee. Nice. So that was kind of a bummer.
But anyway, yeah, so Yan's already there yelling out about her euros or whatever, and then another guy shows up who's just like, Officer, my sheep that I tie up over here isn't over here anymore. The rope is here. Someone broke the rope. Do you think my sheep broke the rope, officer? A sheep can't break a rope this big. Why won't you find my sheep? Have you found my sheep yet? I haven't stopped yelling, and yet nothing has happened. And Wong is just like, No.
It looks like something broke the rope. Well, we haven't had any burglars. Who could do such a thing? Why would a burglar break the rope? Why wouldn't it merely untie the rope? Just, oh my God, these people. Stop talking. And then they find the river. They find the dam. There's no kids there. There's blood in the water. He finds a top head, like the head of the sheep. And he goes running back because he's like, oh, this is where my kid swims with his friends. And who knows what has happened. And he finds his son naked and clinging to the pole out front of their house. Just pole dancing in the yard. Naked as a jaybird.
Calling other people perverts. Oh, yeah. It's like, oh, this lady's going to see my privates. I'm like, well, you're naked. And then, I mean, he says that the drunk guy took his clothes, which, weird. Very weird choice. I guess he throws rocks at a guy enough and he snaps. Yeah, he throws enough rocks at a guy and he's like, well, fuck you kids, I'm taking your clothes. I hope the dinosaur eats you.
Anyway, yeah, so he's naked and hanging from a pole. Wong and Yan show up, and Yan is given a tour of the house by a kid covering his tiny wiener with a pot. You'd think he'd just get dressed. You'd think, and yet. This movie. Eventually, Yan gets clothes. It's weird because she never didn't have them. She's well-dressed at the start of the movie. Well, no, she's been in a nice red dress and heels and everything, but she has been stamping through the tea fields, and she went out to the dam. She's been just covered in mud and stuff, so she's like...
All right, I need new clothes. I'm going to wear your dad's clothes. I look incredible. Oh, weird. Your dad has a form-fitting white tank top for women. Huh.
But yeah, this is the point where, like we mentioned, this is very confusing. This kid's mother, according to his dad, ran off to Italy eight years ago. And here's a woman who's been in Italy for eight years and has recently come back to China. And she's just like, wait, your mom's in Italy? I've been in Italy. And that's all it is. It's just a coincidence. It goes nowhere. The kid's like, oh, well, maybe you could find my mom. She's like, yeah, maybe if I go back to Italy, I don't know. If I find a crocodile, I will help you find your mom. I need to get my 100,000 euros. That's my euros. That's a promise she makes to Wong. She's like, Wong, if you help me get the euros out of the crocodile, I'll find your wife in Italy. And he just goes to that.
won't be possible he's like very dead serious like just ends the joke you know again he's just like no no comedy I'm not in a comedy movie no you don't understand my wife left me and I told my son that she went to Italy for some reason and now I can't stop the lie but yeah so basically he's desperate the Wong has already been out once to the gangster place where he clearly immediately figured out that both that a Mao was there and that a Mao had escaped because there was a Mao sized crate and a Mao sized hole in a fence So now he calls the grandpa guy and he's like, hey, yeah, we don't know each other, but my son knows you and you're a crocodile. You're the one who knows about crocodiles. The crocodile you sold to these gangsters. It was sold to gangsters and it's escaped and it's been seen here and here. And the guy goes, yeah, it's on its way to the pond where it's been living all these years. It wants to lay its eggs. It's breeding season. Yeah, it's breeding season. It wants to lay its eggs. And Wong just goes, my house is in the way of that. And I'm like, damn, dude, you have some really great crow flies knowledge of your neighborhood. I really know how the croc runs. Yeah. And you think like, oh, my house is in the way. I guess the croc will just go between it and the next house. Yeah. No, it won't. I do love it.
There's like, my house is in between that and no one else. And obviously the crocodile is just going to wander into my house instead of avoiding it. Clearly, I know that it's headed towards a place where it wants to lay its eggs because it's trying to get back to familiar waters, but it's going to see my house and go, well, I got to check this place. I got to see that. I think that's where my friend, that naked kid lives. I think there's a little penis in there that I got to see. And, you know, this croc shouldn't even be a threat anymore. It just ate a sheep. No, it's... It's fall. It's whatever. It's a fucking giant crocodile.
It does indeed go to the house and scares them and chases after them. But again, it's the same thing where it's sort of like, hey, what's up? I'm Amal. How you doing? And the kid's like, oh, hi, Amal. And when the lady starts screaming, the crocodile freaks out. Yeah, because the kid's just like, oh, hey, it's Amal. What up, dude? Amal's like, yo, how you been? I just want to pass through your house to get to the egg laying area. I'm trying to get to a place. I was just looking for directions. Yan comes in and is like, what?
And Mal's like, oh, Jesus. And then the crocodile. Hold on, kid. I got to save you from this crazy lady. Crocodile chases them up some stairs. Pushes its face through a wall. Yes. And eventually we get a scene where in order to go rescue his family from the crocodile, Wong goes back to his police station and we finally meet a guy who won't give him a gun. Yeah. John's favorite character. Love it. Because at least they're both just deadpan at each other. Yes. He's like, I'm going to need a gun. Are you, though? What do you need a gun for? What are you planning to miss today, Wong? Oh, I need a gun. There's a big crocodile.
Uh-huh. You got permission from the chief? You know the chief isn't here. Huh, what a shame. No gun. It's a crocodile. Careful, crocodiles are dangerous when you don't have a gun. Yeah, I'm like, this guy's such an asshole, I love this. And Wong gets his revenge on him by stealing his own bike. Yeah, he's like, fine, if you won't give me a gun, I'll take your bike. Just reaches into the area where that guy is, grabs his keys, and fucks off. I'm going to point out that the next scene is him literally flinging that bike at the crocodile, who was on the second story of the house, and then the bike drops to the ground, and it just never gets mentioned again. Even though he has a second interaction with gun guard guy. You'd think gun guard guy would be like, I'm definitely not giving you a gun now, Wong, you lost my bike.
My bike? My bike's inside that crocodile. My euros. Dude, how great would that be if that was the premise of this film? Everyone is chasing after this crocodile because it's just eaten all their shit. It's eaten one thing that everybody had. It's eaten my purse and my bike. My alarm clocks me and my axe.
He's just fine. Just to write down what the croc took and the time it took it. And I will get those things in the order that your complaints have been received. But now, you know, eventually at this point, he's like, all right, we have the actual cops involved. You know, we have a giant monster croc aisle loose. And he hauls in a gangster man for more questioning to his own home, weirdly enough.
And he's like, look, you know something about this whole crocodile situation. The man's like, no, I'm an innocent businessman. What are you talking about? I have no idea. He's like, I have to go back to the police station. Stay in my house with this random woman and this kid. Don't do anything weird, you obvious smuggler gangster. I would never do anything weird. I'm just an obvious smuggler gangster.
See, I thought that took place at the police station. Except that the kid and the wife, or the kid and the mom, or the woman, Yan, are both there. Yes, because Yan and the kid. Granted, the house has recently been crock ravaged. Well, they also, for the entirety of this movie, are like, you can't get rid of us. We're going anywhere you go. Yeah, but one of my favorite exchanges in the movie, Yan asked the gangster about crock stomachs.
Now, she just wants to know whether or not her money's been digested already. But she's like, what can you tell me about croc's stomachs? And he just sort of offhandedly, because he doesn't really know who she is. He's just lighting up a cigarette. He's not being devious at the moment. He just goes, they're especially tough, but you can boil them to tenderness. Which I was like, oh, I like that, because he cooks crocs. That's how he envisions crocs. Yeah, if someone talks to him about a part of a croc, he's going to be like...
Yeah, what's the eating on that? Yeah. But she's like, no, I want to know if it's digested in my euros. He's like, well, I know they basically just shit sand, so. He doesn't really know that much about it. But she does mention that it's eaten her 100,000 euros. He's like, ah, cha-ching. Now I want to catch the crocodile. Now we'll start a line of people going after the crocodile. Yes. And that's what happens. He gets his four bumbliest henchmen. Yep. And they're going to go after the crocodile. And at this point, I'm going to say.
there is a lot of the same shit that just happens for a while. Like, we could try and get into specifics here, but it's mostly, hey, let's go get that crocodile. Oh no, that crocodile got away for a long time. Yes, they keep seeing the crocodile and the crocodile's like, and then it just sort of fucks off. And that's, like, the next thing of any note is a point where Amau has headed off to a major lake to hide from everybody. Yan has grabbed the kid and...
She's told him, I'm going to climb into the crocodile, get my money and climb back out. I know the crocodile is harmless because the old man said so. He said he'd gone into the crocodile's mouth and was fine. Meanwhile, the old man has gone home to tell his wife that he's not going to hunt crocodiles anymore. And she responds by taking his bamboo pole and attacking it with a cleaver. Yeah, because it's basically the thing he uses to control the crocodile. So this is the symbol of his croc life. Yes. So she destroys it. And then immediately he gets the call that like, hey, that big croc's out. And he's like, God damn it. Yeah, right after he's just like, my wife, I swear to you, I will never interact with or even say crocodile again. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go stop a crocodile. Now, anyway, I'm going to get on the next flight.
You know, good man, grandpa, but a terrible husband. I believe Lou is his name. Well, he's in the mix, too. Everyone's in the fucking mix. But anyway, Yann and the kid are wandering through the jungle when Yann convinces herself she has stepped on a Mao and she's actually stepped on a hay cutter. Yeah, I don't know why she would. She just screams for like three minutes. The worst fucking thing where she's just piercing screaming because she thinks she stepped on a eight meter long crocodile and oh no, oops, my mistake. It's a big blade. It's a big machete.
It is not a crocodile. It's a big machete. My bad. You know how crocodiles and machetes kind of feel and look the same? Yeah, you know, a completely flat on the ground piece of metal. Basically a crocodile. You know how you've seen a Mao before and a Mao is four feet high at the shoulder?
I guess you stopped on the flattest part of her. I guess it's flat fuck Friday or something. But anyway, what I wanted to get to wasn't her. That part's awful. Her screaming forever while the kid just keeps going. Hey, shut up. Please shut up. Hey, please shut up. It's a fucking big knife. It's the part where they all they run into the four gangsters at some big industrial spool on the side of the lake. And the gangsters like we'll tie these two up and hang them to attract the crocodile. I just need something alive and wriggling as bait. And then one guy who's been wandering through the woods with him for like three hours looking for this crocodile while carrying a huge net.
comes running up to him and he's like, hey boss, hey boss, I have an idea. I'll throw this net at the crocodile. And the gangster's like, you fucking idiot. And he's, it's funny because he's, no. And he's like, that's a great idea. But he starts to go, you fucking, that's a great idea. He's like, I just assumed anything that came out of any one of you people's mouths was going to be awful. But yes, it is still awful. Obviously he should throw, why the fuck would he have the net? Now look at this net that I just found.
And it gets even compounded stupid because they lure the croc out of the water. The croc comes up to sniff Yan and the kid and is clearly not aggressive. Just comes up and goes, huh, two people. Anyway, I put my head back down. And then lies down. And then just walks away and walks past where this dude with the net is waiting. And you see him out there going back and forth with the net. He never throws it. By the time he manages to throw it, he throws it on the gangster and it gets caught on the tail of a mouse so that he gets pulled into the water by the net.
I thought for sure he was going to drown then, but he just immediately, he was like, oh, the second it went into the water, it got off its tail, and then I stood up. Yeah, so he just stands up. He's like, I'm fine, guys. I came out of the net, and then he gets eaten by the crocodile in a scene that is not interesting. Nope. It's just sort of a CGI green shape. Blur. Blur comes through, and then he's gone, and that's the end of that. Yep. And where, how come the dad hasn't found any of them? Well, he's on the tail, the trail of them, because there's reports that gangsters are walking through the forest, one of which is dressed like Superman, and I honestly did not know that one of them was, when they were like, Oh, you didn't notice? One of them's just jacked up Superman, and I was like, really? What are they talking about?
Which one are they talking about? The one with the Superman shirt. Then they cut to him, and I was like, oh, there is one with a Superman shirt. Oh, I was noticing him the entire time. He was one of the guys who showed up and was pretending to be from the zoo. And when he showed up, I was like, oh, you're in a Superman shirt, and you've got the Superman spit curl. You're doing this as a bit. Well, then he wears a chef's toque for the rest of the movie, so no. Yeah, it fucks the whole thing up, because they're like, oh, and he's wearing a big chef's hat. I'm like, but his whole point was he had the fucking curl, and he was doing a Superman thing. Anyway, they get scared when their boss gets eaten, and they all run away. Yep, that's basically the end of them, except for the one guy whose brother got killed by the...
of now knocking him into the crock pit, and he will come back later to be an idiot. Yeah, so at this point, Wong and Liu show up to untie Yan and the kid. And they're like, the crock's not even aggressive. I mean, he ate that gangster. Or she ate that gangster. But otherwise, the crock's not aggressive. He smelled us, and he didn't even bite us. She only eats the bad guys. I'm a little kid, and I know about crocodiles. Wong's like, all right, whatever. Me and this dude are going to go in the water and lake and get the crocodile. Yeah, because...
Right now, it has gone over to the side where there are a bunch of people. Yeah, so they contact the cops. This is a popular lake spot for people to get on boats, and you've got a real Jaws situation, but no tension. Yeah, the problem is at this point, all the tension's been sucked out by the repeated insistence that the croc is not a villain. Yeah, by this point, we're like, oh no, I know. This crocodile is 100% just like, chillin'. And it's already eaten a sheep and a fat guy, it's not gonna eat anything else. Crocs don't eat that often. No, this croc, while big, probably isn't that hungry at the moment. Yeah.
So we get a whole scene of the lake being evacuated, and there's one boat left out there that didn't hear the evacuation warning, and it's a man and his wife, and then the crocodile swims and bumps them out of the boat, and this is supposed to be a huge Jaws moment, but we all know the croc's fucking harmless, so it means nothing. You're just sort of watching them flail, and then it cuts to underwater shots of the croc, and then back to them, and you're just like... And they get pulled up to the boat from, you know, Lou and Wong, and nothing happens to them. And you knew nothing was going to happen. It's boring. Yeah. The problem with this is it wants to have the tension of Jaws or Lake Placid, and has nothing. Yeah, and notably, we are at a point now where no one else in this movie is even going to really get hurt.
Nope. Lou will get bonked. Might die. Might die. We see a move before the end, but he might die. He might die. This might be his death. He might die. So eventually they, you know, get the ability to lure the croc up out of the water. And the whole plan is, all right, Wong, you've got a gun. I'm going to try and talk the crocodile down. And if that doesn't work.
because she's too baby crazy or whatever, then it's up to you to shoot her. Yes, and how's your aim? And he's like, it's great, yeah, I'll do it. And he's like, great, because I am counting on your shooting to save my life. You are going to be my hero when your highly accurate shooting saves the day, Wong, whose nickname I do not know. Who I've never heard of before and I'm just now meeting. I have never met this man in my life. Now, sir, please pick a card.
But it mostly just goes off the way it's supposed to. The crocodile comes out. Lou calms the crocodile down. The revenge guy, whose brother's been killed, shows up with a machete. He's like, I will kill you, crocodile! And runs out to hit the crocodile with a knife. But the crocodile just whacks him away. Doesn't even bite him or anything. Just slaps him. Just slaps him and he goes flying away. But unfortunately, that's enough to send the crocodile into a snappy panic. And so he needs to be shot. At this point, Lou's just like, nah, fuck it, kill her. Shoot her! Just kill her, whatever. I don't care. I already calmed her down once. I'm tired. Look, I'm old and I don't care. And for his disdain. And I love, the thing with the scene is, he is standing in front of Wong. And he's like, shoot her!
Oh, wait, am I in your way? And I'm like, yes, you are literally standing in front of him. I love that he asks. Am I in your way? Am I in your way? Huh? Huh? Can you not see? Can you not see? I'm not touching you. I'm not touching you. Force fields. But then he gets whacked away by a tail slap and goes flying into like a car or something and might die. We don't know. Yeah, he gets hit into basically the side of some small building and he is bleeding from the mouth. Yes, but he is still moving. So what we know is that he might die and he's not part of the ending. No, because we get basically, well, we don't get a confirmation like, and now here's his death certificate. We pretty much get the scene where obviously Wong.
takes the shot in one shot, shoots up through the mouth into the brain of the crocodile and kills her. But they both have a moment. Lou and the crocodile have spent so much time together. They both put their heads down. They're both looking at each other as they are injured and lying down and then they close their eyes at the same time. Yeah, so Lou is probably dead. Yeah, sure.
Yeah, we never get anything with his family. Nothing. The couple of dudes who worked for that gangster, we're done with them. We're just done now. And we have a scene where right before he goes off to get in the boat, before Wong does, Yan confronts him and is like, hey, I want you to be extra careful. I no longer care about my euros. I know I've spent an hour saying the phrase my euros. Yeah, but I fall in love with you because you're the man I met. Because you're the other man here. Which makes sense because now at the end of the movie they're having a dinner together as a family. Yeah. He replaced him with a new woman from Italy. She is sitting there with a bowl of euro scraps with tape.
and just jigsaw puzzling euros together. I mean, like, ah, there we go. I got another one. There's 500 euros there. Yeah. And just to complete the overall effect, now they're a family. Hooray. But to complete the overall effect, just like how in Lake Placid, you had that scene at the end where, like, I haven't seen it in forever. I think it's Betty White. Yep. Betty White's sitting there on the dock looking at all the babies of the giant crocodile. Might be an alligator in that movie. Don't remember. Might be. We cut to the lake, and there's crocodiles hatching from eggs out there. I know it's supposed to be super menacing, but Amal was like a weird freak of nature. She's, like, super huge and very old. Other crocodiles aren't going to... They'll just get caught when they're little. Also...
Who fucked that crocodile? Well, I mean, she did live in a crocodile pit with a bunch of smaller crocodiles. I assume one of them did. One of them screwed up their courage and was like, I'm doing it. M'lady. My huge queen. Yeah, he was just like, hey, I'm going to throw my shot at this one. I'm going to finally say my piece. And she's like, oh, I respect your hustle, tiny man. I am the R. Crumb of crocodiles, and I love a thick lady.
I'm sure they've been, for the whole time they've all been living in that pit together, one of them was like, I'm going to ask her. I'm going to ask her. The other was like, dude, she's enormous. You're never going to do it. She's waiting for 6'3", bro. You are a short king, and I respect you, but no way, man. Crocodile that big will do crazy shit for 6'3".
And there you go. That is the end of Croczilla. Hey, let me just tell you, what a croc, am I right? I've been waiting this whole review to say that. I'm glad you did. I wish you would have kept waiting. Ah, yes. For Godot. A giant crocodile named Godot. Yeah, yeah. A 6'3 croc. 6'3 crocs. So I'm here to throw you a shot. I heard there was a big croc needed servicing. Somebody been waiting for Godot here? I'm qualified to operate 36-foot machinery. Jeff? Yeah? Let's do the best and worst. Nah. All right. Bye, everyone.
All right. What was your favorite thing in Croxzilla? I said it earlier. It's the scene where Yan asked the gangster about Crox stomachs. It's the scene with the little boy penises, obviously. Yes, sir. Sign me up. Yes, and. That's one thing I want to have said for real on a podcast somewhere. I want evidence of that existing. I'm sure that'll never come back to haunt me. No, sir. I know you were haunted by little boy penises all the time. I mean, that is... That is the curse that I am under. That is my favorite Ted Nugent album.
Anyway, where was I getting? No, it's the scene where Yan asks the gangster about Croc's stomachs and he just offhandedly responds with like cooking guides. Yeah, it's a good character scene. It felt lived in and it wasn't played as broadly for laughs as a lot of the rest of the jokes that are in this. Most of the jokes in this are like, hi, would you like to hear a joke? Here's the joke. Here's the joke again. I thought I'd tell you the joke. Here's the joke. I'm going to tell you the joke. I'm going to tell you the joke and then I'm going to tell you I told you the joke. And he's like, Jesus Christ, shut up. I'm going to tell you I'm going to tell you a joke. I'll tell you the joke and then I'll tell you the joke I just told you.
Words for Chris Rock to live by. Still mad about the big piece of chicken routine. Anyway, that's my favorite part. It feels lived in and it wasn't stepped on like everything else in this movie. Great. What about you? Oh, it's fucking gun counter guy. He's great. I love him. He's a good guy. He's a good guy. Good character. He's got good timing. We didn't even get into a second scene where the chief insists that Wong be given a gun. It's fine. Fine. Gun. Gun. Gun. Oh, I'm sorry. We're out of guns. You've got two over there. There's two right there. Those are special. Give him the gun. It's a great scene. So yeah, I'm fine with that. Now, the worst thing in the movie for you.
I mean, I don't even really want to say little boy penises. Of course you don't. The thing is, that's just a cultural thing where it's perfectly fine to put naked kids in a movie in China, I guess, and that's fine. It's weird that it made it here without blurring. It's weird because it's honestly just like front and center in a...
part of the scene that doesn't need to be there. The fact that that didn't just get edited out was weird, but whatever. But it's just a cultural thing because that's, I mean, the worst part of the movie is probably just my Euros. Almost surely. Because it just gets really, really tiresome. Although, you know what? I'll even let you out that. My least everything is that this movie has no crocodile kills. It's not an animal attack movie. It's just an animal tries to get it. It's like Incredible Journey or something. It's just, can this croc get home to lay her eggs? Yeah, the problem with this movie is that it doesn't really know what it wants to be. It's not a horror film. It's not like...
an animal adventure film like you are seeing something like, say, Mighty Joe Young, where you're like, oh, this poor put-upon animal, I've got to save them. It's just like, hey, what if there was a big crocodile? I think it might go a little something like this. Maybe there were some crazy characters around as well. You know, back when I was a giant crocodile. Spins hat around suddenly as a giant crocodile.
Thick New York accent for no reason. Hey, I'm crockin' here! Very well done. There you go. Okay, yeah, my least favorite thing is that there's, yeah, the movie is confused and there's no crock hills or tension. What's your least favorite thing? Oh, honestly, if I had to narrow it down to one thing, it's definitely that, like, full-on minute of high-pitched screaming for I think I stepped on a crocodile. I'm like, this is the worst. This is so dumb. You know how big that crock was. You've been closer to it than anyone else in the movie. And yet. It's the size of a car. You'd know if you were standing on a car.
god that annoyed me so i'm like not only is this full minute of high-pitched screaming the most annoying thing to hear but also it's just dumb and pointless and like you said like why why are you what no stop it you've seen this crocodile couldn't you at least put something out in the rice field that's like four feet high and kind of slopey for her to get up onto and then be like oh no i accidentally caught a crocodile because it doesn't add up or maybe i guess maybe she thought the crocodile was in a four foot deep pit yeah that's it Ugh. Hate it. Hate it. Yeah. So, let's give this movie a rating. We're each going to give it a rating from zero to five to give it a final IMD approved rating out of ten. One. This was boring as hell. It's true. This was real bad. So boring. I mean, it just never, nothing ever really happened. I didn't care about any of the characters. No. Just boring. I'll go as high as a one and a half. Okay. Mostly because I'm like, I wasn't, like, I wasn't offended by it. It wasn't.
shitty in any way, and I could get through it. Thank God it was only an hour and a half. It was shitty in a number of ways. Oh, it was shitty in a number of ways, but not in like... An offensive way. An offensively bad way. It wasn't like, I want to stop... There wasn't a point where I was like, I need to stop watching this. It was just like, I'll fuck around on my phone while this is going on. Yeah, some of the things you would expect this movie to do, and it didn't. There was no gay jokes. There wasn't a scene where Yan is a character. Once she establishes that the cop is too slow to help her, she tries to steal his gun and go deal with this herself. So she is definitely not a wilting flower of a character. She's like, I'm gonna get that fucking money out of that fucking crocodile. I'm gonna figure shit out. I am useless, but I'm motivated. Yes, and I appreciated that.
Yeah, no. I think a two and a half, honestly, is fine for this movie. Two and a half out of ten for Croczilla if... I wish that this had been some dumb Asylum Mockbuster with fucking Tara Reid in it. That would have been way more interesting, at least. Yeah. We could have talked about that whole concept and those films and their place in the world. Someday. Yeah. Well, we'll get there eventually. Someone will send us Mecha Shark versus Giant Dick or whatever. Let's read it. It's a detective. Get your mind out of the gutter. Versus Little Boy Penis. That's just the name of a gangster.
I'm Lil Boy Penis. Yo, what up? I'm Lil Boy Penis. My last name is Penis. Let me give you some advice. Don't pick your rap name when you're 12. All the gangsters call me Lil Boy, and of course my last name is Penis. So Lil Boy Penis is how that happened. It's Dutch. It's normally pronounced P-Nay. It's Dutch. It's pronounced P-Nay.
Ooh, that's good. That hits in the good spots. Thank you. How does that make it better? Thank you so much for joining us. And if you would like to support us, you can go over to our Patreon at patreon.com slash system mastery. That is where all of our bonus content for all of our shows are. You can get all the stuff there. You can help us. Any amount helps, keeps the show running, keeps us feeding ourselves and watching shitty movies. And of course, right now we've got our TV mastery going on at the $5 level. We are watching.
Old cartoons for kids based on R-rated properties. And it is a hoot. It's a hoot and a half. It's a fun subject to cover. All these fun cartoons that were ill-advised at the very beginning and continued through their invariably one-season lives. Yep. So join us for that. We'll be talking about RoboCop this time. Yeah, we just did The Toxic Crusaders if you want to catch up and hear the last one. So over at patreon.com slash systemmastery, that's where you can find that. And...
If you don't have money, I understand. Yeah, we get it. Time's tough. Nobody's got any money. All my money goes into crocodiles. And all my exes live in Texas. My euros. But, of course, you can always just leave us a review. Tell someone about the podcast if you like it. Maybe not this episode. Maybe this episode. If you know someone who just...
Really likes little boy penises. Don't recommend they listen to us. Send them into the ocean. Send them to the nearest ocean, never to return. Oh, thank you so much. We will be back in another couple weeks with more Movie Mastery. And until then, all of you have a good one.