Hello, listeners, and welcome to another episode of Movie Mastery. It's the podcast where we watch the movies you recommend. I'm John, and over there is Jeff. We are here together to review a movie that we have randomly determined. Actually, John, I'm here to see if you'd like to purchase any essential oils. That's the only reason I'm here. I've got this scheme. Look, it's not a pyramid because it's upside down. It's a reverse pyramid. It's a dinny-rap. It's a dinny-rap. A denarip? It's a denaris? It's hard to say pyramid backwards without writing it down first. Yeah.
Dimry nap. Dimmy. This is a good bit that the people are going to love. Dimsdale. I'm sorry. I am here to review a movie with you. Thank you. Okay. So this week we randomly rolled up Down Periscope. We sure rolled that down. We rolled it up. We rolled it down. And here's a periscope. Yeah. So Down Periscope, I remembered because I've seen it in theaters, but only remembered it to the tune of I remember that this movie exists. I remembered it exists, but I briefly like mashed it together in my head with McHale's Navy. Yeah. You were wondering why Tom Arnold was not present in the cast list. Yeah. I was like, wait a minute.
Isn't Tom Arnold in here? Shouldn't someone be in, like, a Hawaiian shirt or something? Yeah, it's gonna be a... It's not McHale's Navy. It's the Kelsey Grammer one. Ah, Kelsey Grammer, and he's in charge of a submarine. Yeah, this was his big star turn in a film. Oh, boy. His chance to make it big. This was his chance. It was this and playing Beast. Yes, and both of them did amazing, as far as I'm aware. As far as I know, those were gangbusters, and he's now an A-list movie celebrity. Yeah, everyone remembers Frasier the Mighty... I'm sorry, Kelsey Grammer. Excuse me. People remember him for his famous celebrity name, Kelsey Grammer, and not for the character he made famous on Cheers and then Frasier. Yeah. Niles.
Frasier Niles. Frasier McNiles. That's him. Hard to say backwards, though. Let's try, though, for at least a good ten minutes. Let's make sure. We don't give the people what they want. And what they want is to see if Frasier Niles said backwards spells anything interesting. Why, we've had singles of letters craving us to say words backwards. Which, if I get even one comment, my anxiety kicks in and I'm like, everyone wants this, John. We have to figure out whatever this is and do it. Yeah. It's like someone goes, hey, I'm not real happy about whatever. And you're like, everyone hates this and they hate us.
And you hate me. Everyone hates everything, and I hate you. The only person in the world I don't think hates me is me. Yeah. Because I know I hate me. No, that's me. Yeah, man, I'm anxious. The only person in the world I know hates me is me. Everyone else I think thinks I'm cool. I have the reverse problem. Well, not cool, but, you know, fun to hang out with. That's cool. I think you make me look good. No, I look cool. I'll make this look good. You know what? You do, buddy. So, yeah, this is Down Periscope, the submarine movie that you kind of remember exists. Yeah, we've got a reel.
cast of characters in this one. So many good actors in here. That are just floating around. We got Kelsey Grammer. We got Kelsey Grammer and a bunch of character actors and things. Rob Schneider. Rob Schneider doing some stuff. We got a couple of returning actors to the canon of Movie Mastery Films. And Rob Schneider, because of course we reviewed the original Demolition Man.
Yeah, the original Demolition Man. The original Demolition Man. I'm sorry. Unlike the remake of Demolition Man that has, of course, come out. Have you not seen that? It stars Jason Statham. It sounds like it should exist. And I would watch. Yeah. Immediately, obviously. Vin Diesel is the titular Demolition Man. Vin Diesel is the titular Demolition Man. Yeah, and then Idris Elba is there as, what's his name? Phoenix. What's that character's full name? Southern Phoenix. Oh, yeah. Phoenix Down. Phoenix Wright. Yeah, that's right. Idris Elba as Phoenix Wright in the remake. I object to this remake.
You wouldn't watch Idris Elba as Phoenix Wright? I would watch Idris Elba as Phoenix Wright in Demolition Man. Yes, you are correct. That is a movie I would watch. Who do we cast for the Dennis Leary role in this movie? Who are we looking at? Pac-Man? Some kind of Pac-Man. One Pac-Man or another. Or a Tetris block. Yeah, I'm pretty sure Sandra Bullock is going to be played by this cool dog I found. This cool goat I found. That's my favorite joke ever.
All right. So, yeah. So, other actors, Rob Schneider, Lauren Hawley. What I meant to say was that we saw Rob Schneider in Judge Dredd. Lauren Hawley played the unfortunate role of jazz in Ford Fairlane. So, that's... Oh, poor, poor lady. She's just... Cannot catch a break. Yeah, this is boring. So, this was... This was not a... It was more or less a return to form for her. At least no one's shoving their tongue down her throat. Yeah. It's got that going for her, yeah. So, this movie, oddly, has a pretty high rating. Yeah, four and a half stars on Amazon Prime. But then again, Amazon Prime...
I feel like it's worse than YouTube comments in terms of relative intelligence of the people who are using it to rate and review. Yeah, but even then, I feel like that's way higher than it should be. Out of 1,700 reviews for this movie, it's got four and a half stars. There are 30 reviews and it has four and a half. I'd be like, alright, so a bunch of idiots watch this. But no, this thing's been popular for a long time. Somehow, somehow people watched this and went, yeah, that was a good experience. So much so that a large portion of people that watched it hit five stars. Absolutely, a huge portion. Maybe it's just fans of old dude American actors, because this movie's got...
They must just love that Kelsey. You got Kelsey Grammer. You got Rip Torn. You got Harry Dean Stanton. You got Bruce Dern. You got, what's his name, William H. Macy. If you like old dude actors, it's pretty much this and Space Cowboys. Hell yeah. Hell, you got a very brief cameo from Patton Oswalt in here. He's a young dude in this. Yeah. He is literally, he's credited as Stingray Radio Man, and you can see him twice for about one second each time. It's great. He has a line. He has a line. You go, Patton. You like nine-year-old Patton Oswalt that's in this movie. So I'm going to go ahead and say, before we get into the full spoiler review, this was bad and boring and had...
For a movie that is ostensibly a comedy, no jokes. Very few, anyway. It's one of those movies. It had things that it thought were jokes and weren't, and then relied on them. Well, it's like a Police Academy movie, and it does the thing where it's like, here's another character with one big defining character quirk, and how about another one? And this one does fun voices, and so on. Except that Police Academy movies are fun to watch. Yeah. So I think they forgot that part, but that seemed to be the idea. Yeah, I mean, the idea was very much a Police Academy underwater, but...
Nobody got any business to do? Well, it's just like, hey, what are you? Oh, I've got this character trait. Does that matter? No, it does not. Well, the other problem was that you have the main character, Mahoney, in a police academy movie. It's kind of a fun slacker rebel type, you know? Yeah. Where this one, it's like this dude who's guaranteed a subcaptaincy. Yeah. And it's just like, oh, I'm really, I sure hope that this guy can pull his act together. This 45-year-old guy who went through eight years of submarine training and is a captain. Yeah. And he plays golf on the deck of his submarine. Boys, can he get his act together? Oh, boy. Here's the thing. You know what? Fuck it. I'm going to get into way more of what pissed me off about many things in this movie. On the other side of the break. On the other side of this break. We're going to listen to...
A little bit of music. Do you think it could probably be Anchors Away? Because Lord knows I've heard that eight times today. I don't think it will be. Okay. But it might. We'll be right back with a full spoiler review of Down Periscope. We are back. We listened to a little bit of music, and now...
Now it's time to really dig in here. Now, what I was going to get into was how much I am not invested in the plot of this movie. So the I mean, the main idea of this, I'm going to give you real briefly before we get the blow by blow. But pretty much Kelsey Grammer is kind of an idiot slacker, but still very highly super competent. Yeah, he's like, oh, what is this guy? Oh, he's super good at being a submarine guy, but he sucks at being good at.
being in the military, essentially. Yeah, it's basically, okay, this guy graduated, you know, top of his class, did real well in the secondary school, but he's been bumming around the Navy for a long time because all the captains he serves under think he's kind of goofy. Yeah, there's like, he had one slip up once, and, like, other than that, he's just sort of mildly insubordinate, not enough that he would get, like, bumped down in rank or, like, discharged or anything, but just enough that everyone's like, this guy's kind of a dick. Yeah. And the whole thrust of this movie is, he gets command of a ship, even though...
nobody thinks he should outside of, like, one three-star admiral. It's Rip Torn just acting like a capricious god for no good reason. Which, for Rip Torn, I love. Yeah, it's not a problem. It's Rip Torn. If he wants to act like a capricious god, that is the role he was born to play. Yeah. But...
The whole thing is I'm supposed to be invested in Kelsey Grammer's character, but I'm like, oh, it's like a middle-aged white guy who has gotten every opportunity mildly fucked it up, then failed forward anyway, and I'm supposed to be like, boy, I'm rooting for you. If this fucks up, you'll only be mostly good in life. And we've already established that he's, like, wealthy already. Oh, yeah, he has a super nice car. He, you know... It's our introduction to him. I'm sorry. Yeah, but he's already, like you say, he's a captain. He's just not a commander of a sub. Yeah, he's a lieutenant commander at the moment. Yeah. And you're looking at it going like, okay, but like...
even if he fails in this movies, like war games thing that he is doing, who, gives a shit yeah the white guy brigade has already done right by this guy yeah this guy has failed forward as hard as you can yeah and his main complaint is he's like oh but if if i fail at this war game i'll have a desk job and i'll never be in charge of a sub why i'm just gonna get the most amazing pension and salary ever and do nothing for it golly gee willikers i'm like i don't give a fuck about you or anything you care about yeah so we're introduced with a bunch of admirals sitting around a big table discussing him they're like oh yeah third of his class in sub school and then he did way better than that when he went to finishing blah blah blah and then it's interspersed with shots of the man himself kelsey grammar uh giving orders on the deck of a submarine but it's It's comically revealed that all the orders he's talking about with sight ranges and wind speed and so on are because he's golfing from the deck of his submarine. Oh, my. They're passing by a golf course while the sub is up, and he's going to try and hit something onto the green. And boy, howdy, he does. Yeah, and we have to get a whole bunch of the random men on his submarine and be like, good shot, sir. You're the best at golf. Also, your penis works surprisingly well for a 48-year-old man. God damn it. The squad of admirals that are discussing Kelsey Grammer's character here. Fucking, what is it, Dodge? Thomas Dodge. Tom Dodge. Mm-hmm.
All of them are like, oh, he's the best, but he's a loose cannon, whatever. And then one guy. It's Bruce Dern. Bruce Dern. The villain of the film. Has a absolute mad on. He's like. A total meltdown. Oh, he's like, fuck this guy. Did you know that he's a sailor who got drunk and has a tattoo? I'm like, he's a sailor? Like, okay. What Navy guy doesn't have a stupid tattoo? Yeah. If you're like, this guy is unbecoming of getting any sort of rank. He has been a drunk and has a tattoo. I'm like, that is.
all of the military. Shut the fuck up. Now, we do have to hear what the tattoo is, because, good lord, that is the only running gag in this movie. And when I say running, I mean, it hits so many times that it is limping across the finish line. It is the opening joke and the closing joke, and it pops up every couple of seconds in between, like a follow-the-bouncing-ball routine. And it's that it's a tattoo on his dick that says, welcome aboard. That's right. He got so wasted, he got a tattoo on his dick. And it says, welcome aboard. And I'm sure if they had want to be even more grand-eyed, they'd be like, and you can, it's a huge type. It just says the word until he gets an erection.
And then there's a guy next to him, and he says, welcome to Jamaica, man. Have a nice doord. Have a nice doord. What's a doord? Oh, my nuts. They are universally a doord. Doord.
So, but yeah, Bruce Dern could not be madder about a penis tattoo. He basically melts down in front of all these other admirals, which, you know, kind of pricks the interest of our capricious Riptorn god figure. Riptorn, you know, goes, look, if we don't give him some command on this, like, go by, because he's been up for promotion a lot and has never gotten it. This is the last time. If we don't give him something this time, then he's just going to be...
stuck doing a desk job or whatever. I'm like, oh, okay. The thing he says that's fair is we spent a tremendous amount of money on training this guy to be a sub-captain, and he is pretty good at it. It would be a huge waste of taxpayer dollars to have this guy be a clerk. Yeah, to have spent all of this time training him to do this and then go, great, now you can sit behind a desk. Yeah, that is a waste of time and money on their part. But also, if he's not fit to be a captain, which...
Sort of, we kind of see. I mean, the thing is, the moment that he actually gets command of his own submarine, he turns into a big damn hero who knows a million old submarine tricks. Yeah, that was one of the weird things to me, is when we first meet him, like, golfing off the top of the sub and doing whatever and talking to William H. Macy, who is his current sub commander, we get the idea that, oh, he's insubordinate and he doesn't follow the rules and he's, like, a loose cannon or whatever. He gets the job done. Barely. But as soon as he gets control of his sub, like you say, he's like, oh, well, time to put on a uniform and be an actual commander. I mean, he's got a sense of humor and everything, but he also has a ridiculous wealth of experience. Yeah, no, he just becomes...
like, actually in charge. He's basically, oh, I became a commander, and I'm slightly nice. Yeah. It's not like, I became a commander, and I'm like, ooh, we're having martini parties in the sub. I mean, he's still a regular sub commander. To be fair, there is multiple pirate scenes. To be fair, there is a pirate scene. Well, there's, yeah, okay, fine. But when I say multiple, I mean that a lot of characters in the background never take their pirate costumes off after that. Well, one of them doesn't. By a lot, I mean one. Yeah. Well, this is your thing, where one means a lot. Yes. Yeah. Percentage-wise, more than 5% of the people in the film kept their pirate costumes on. Okay, so...
Anyway, he gets dressed down by his commanding officer for golfing off the deck of the ship. Although, I can't imagine anyone cares. It's just a thing to establish that he is funny because he's wearing a top half of a military uniform and the bottom half is expensive golf pants. Which, to me, golfing is not an act of rebellion. It is impossible for it to be seen as such. Golfing is a rich guy sport. It's something that people who have too much money do until they die. Yeah. I mean, when it's in, like, a post-apocalyptic movie and someone is just, like, golfing off of a roof somewhere, you're like, oh, that's funny because it's...
It is not what you would normally think of as golf, but he is actively trying to get it on the green. The other thing is, I think golf still, you can still get away with it in 80s comedies. You know, you had your caddy shacks and whatever. All the characters in that were country club dickheads. Yeah. But you don't care because at least they're kind of funny. But eventually, that thing where it was like, can these rich people get even richer of 80s movies kind of fell by the wayside? Yeah. And it was kind of tough to try and get away with that in like 1996 or whatever this was. Yeah. By that time, golf signified rich dick. And here we see him doing it. And his rich dick is tattooed.
Thank goodness, because the movie was going to mention that any second now. But yeah, Macy's dressing him down. He's like, you're always like this. Anyway, that's why I have to keep putting these incidents in your report. And, you know, Grammar's like, oh, you've doomed me forever. I'm going to use the one F-bomb we have in this PG-13. What the fuck? We've used it in the first few minutes, and now no more. You've ruined me with this very honest sit-rep that you've written about me. You've told the truth about me, and it's destroyed. Niles, this is the worst idea you've ever had. But, you know, thankfully he's saved by the white guy, Bell, because then the phone rings right as the two of them are talking, and William H. Macy has to be like...
You've been given command of a sub. Yeah, like here, Commander says you get a sub. Congratulations, dickbag. Poor William H. Macy is forced to basically play Commandant Lessard in this. William H. Macy has very little business for being in this movie. I was like, man, you got yourself a Macy and you didn't do anything with him. Yeah, let him grow out his luscious golden hair. Yeah, let him have some locks and a big old stash. Yeah, come on. What is this? Making him all military. It looks terrible. So, okay, this is when we get to see that Fraser's character also has a big fancy car. Yeah.
And he's so excited. Ooh, he jumps out of his big fancy car, and he goes and gets on a boat, and they're like, we're going to take you to your new ship. Yeah, he has to meet Bruce Stern, who clearly hates him. Oh, yeah, and Bruce Stern's like, ooh, you're a piece of shit, and I hate you, and I've given you a command of a ship that I picked out for you, and a crew that I've handpicked for you. And the gag is that the ship is like a 1960s diesel sub. Yeah, it's a shitty old sub, and he's picked a crew of a real crew of characters. A bunch of misfits and malcontents. Ugh. So, and that's our cue. I mean, after...
Two scenes of Grammer complaining about it. First of Bruce Durnberg is like, you've given me a World War II museum piece. Niles, I'm moving father's chair. And, you know, Durn's like, oh, would you like to turn down command? I guess I'll take it. And then another one where he goes to cry to Rip Torn about it. This is the white guy Richie has seen in the movie where Rip Torn's like, you have to do this. You have to sail that thing around and you have to hit two military targets in a war game. Yeah, we're doing a war game where we have to show that our defenses are good enough to stop a pirated...
diesel submarine from striking something in our waters, because Russia's selling off their old diesel subs. Yeah, and Grammar immediately is like, well, if I can do this, then I want command of a nuclear military submarine. And Rip Dorn's like, I won't guarantee it, but yes, I guarantee it. Yeah, well, I can't guarantee that, but if you blow up a ship at the end, yeah, you can have it. Yeah, absolutely. White guy handshake. And again, this is the scene where he's like, ooh, if I fail at this war game, then I'll never be able to have my own command again, and I'll be on an office job. I'm like, I don't care. The stakes of this are so low, because not only is it, oh no,
Either Kelsey Grammer will continue to get command when he obviously shouldn't, or he will continue to have a great salary and pension and do nothing. But also, it's not even like, oh, you have to do a secret mission that's, like, an actual dangerous thing. It's, you have to play pretend in the ocean for a while, and that will determine what level of good stuff you get. I've been trying for a while now to think of other movies that use war games as their thing, and I haven't been able to hit one, but I do remember having seen... Oh, is it war games? It might be war games. The thing is, the, uh...
The stakes where he's like, if I lose at this war game, I'll be washed out of the Navy. I'm like, they don't wash out half of every war game, you know? Yeah, a war game doesn't immediately mean, oh, sorry, now you can't do anything. Yeah, it's a simulation, which means they already know at the beginning who's going to win and lose and how it's going to look. It's all written down somewhere. And the losers are playing a role, and they do good if they play the role correctly. Yeah. They don't get, oh, you lost this fake fight. You're washed out. Go peel a thousand potatoes. Yeah. That's not what happens. Yeah, it's not like Civil War reenactors get together and whoever loses is like, well, sorry, you can't do this anymore. Dibs on North. Sorry, this is one of the battles with the South one. Dibs on North.
Yeah, so who cares, right? But then we cut back to the crappy old submarine, and here comes his crew, most of it. The first person we have to meet is Rob Schneider as XO Pascal, which... Rob Schneider's character in this... Terpididdly derpy derp. Sorry. The problem is, that's not at all. The whole, I guess, joke of Rob Schneider in this is that he's not doing that. Well, he's... This is an early role for him. I don't think... This was before the hot chick and American Gigolo and what have you. Gigolo. American Giggles. American Gigolo. Oh. American Giggles. Oh. Oh. No. This is before all the Rob Schneider starring vehicles, so I don't think... I mean, this was between Judge Dredd and American Gigolo. Yeah. But it was... He was already someone that was known as being a, like, comedic sort of goofball. Like for Saturday Night Live, yeah. Yeah. And...
I feel like the only joke they have with this character is, we made Rob Schneider be very angry and serious instead of his normal thing. Well, he's a slapstick target. He gets knocked down a bunch, he falls on his butt, he gets knocked off the ship. He's basically the slapstick guy, the pratfall man. But he plays a deadly serious short man complex second officer on the ship. First officer, I guess. Yeah, he's the XO, and his whole thing is, he's very stern and by the book, is Rob Schneider in this. And that basically makes him...
Most of the time, the correct person. Sort of. He's too mean is the thing. He's got a little bit more of that Commandant Lessard shit in him. Yeah. Where, like, you know, when he's dressing people down on their first day and he's grabbing them by the ear and slamming their head into a chart so they can read it right, he's being a real dick. Oh, yeah. He's being a dick about stuff to people that they have no control over. When he's yelling at that cook guy because the beans are old, it's like, the cook guy's like, I didn't buy the beans, you idiot. The Navy did. No, but he's using them. Well, he doesn't have an option.
I mean, they had one day to get the ship ready and get it out to sea, and it's not like at any point they were like, check those provisions and see if you can get better ones. You don't know that. They spent a shitload of time de-rusting and repainting and doing shit on that ship. I guess maybe that dude was failing at his job at that time. What I'm saying is that guy was probably awful at his job. I mean, even if he was the worst at his job, where did he get cans of 1966 beans then? Well, first of all, it was ham. I'm sorry, it just tasted like corn. Yes. It still doesn't matter. Where was he finding it? It was in the sub. It must have already been in the sub. Oh, okay. And instead of throwing it out, he kept it. What I'm saying is, basically Schneider is there to make Kelsey Grammer look good. Yes, he's there to be a foil for Kelsey Grammer. Well, not even a
What is this? Oh, Kelsey Grammer is the nice one, and fucking Rob Schneider is the bad cop. He's the bad one, and also he's the one who's competent, but doesn't know how to go with the flow. Yeah, it's, Kelsey Grammer is willing to be like, I'll make some jokes or do whatever with the crew, and is, again, not... so over the top that I'm like, oh, Kelsey, what character? I'm like, oh, you're just sort of a nice, competent commander. Well, he's got that syndrome we've talked about before with movie heroes where nothing bad is about to happen to or because of them, where he's just like, if anyone's going to make a mistake on the bridge, it can't be him. At the most, he could be sympathetic of someone else's mistake. Yeah. He is depressingly boring to watch throughout the course of this. Well, yeah, he is highly competent and not particularly entertaining. Yes. The other thing is, Schneider was a great cast for anyone who, when standing next to Kelsey Grammer, will give you the idea that Kelsey Grammer is manly.
That's because he's like, you know, five foot forward, little tiny dude that they gave a silly mustache to. Indeed. So that's the first one you meet. And then you see a bunch of soldiers standing there and the ones who are relevant start getting dragged out from the pack with their non-uniforms on so that we can see what kind of folks they are. Yeah, we get one guy who's in sort of a weird gold leisure suit and he's the gambler of the group. Yeah. He doesn't have any shoes because he's a gambler. He bet on a bad horse or something. Yeah.
It's amazing that this character is introduced here. He sings Sinatra tunes to himself. Oh, no, that's the other guy. Oh, I'm sorry, is that the electrician? Yes. Yeah, he doesn't do anything. He does nothing. This guy is established as, what are you? Oh, I'm a slick gambler. What are you doing this? And does it have anything to do with gambling? Nothing. And no. Yeah. And then we get to meet the, let's see, the three people you meet on the deck of the ship are him, and then Sonar, which is Harlan Williams or Harlan Ellison, I think? Harlan Williams?
Harlan Ellison! That's an author, isn't it? It's Harlan Ellison, author of detective novels or whatever the shit that guy... No, it's Harlan Williams, the star of, like, Rocket Man, who we've also seen before in Freddy Got Fingered. Yes, and for some reason, I mean, these are all handpicked by fucking Dern, who hates Kelsey Grammer, so we're like, oh, these are all the rejects. Except Sonar is the best person at his job that has ever existed. That's because they thought there was comedy to be built from him being able to hear everything. Except that joke happens twice. Once when he's introduced and one at the end, and other than that, the fact that he could hear everything as far as, like,
overhearing people on the ship never comes up. Well, there's a few times when they talk to him. What's going on on the ship right now? Or, you know, he's like, Sonar, what do you hear? Oh, one deck up, one guy's eating an Oreo and someone else is reading a magazine. And he's like, what about outside the ship? You get that one. Then you get the 45 cents fell to the ground and another submarine nearby. Yeah, but that's while he's wearing the headset at least. Oh, that's right. We also get introduced to the notion that he has super hearing even when he does not have the headset on. The thing is, I think it's supposed to be so weird that his competence is overridden by the weirdness. Well, the one thing we get is he's like, oh, I was deemed a possible security risk because I can overhear everything. He also keeps a stack of self-made tapes on his desk that is him recording whale conversation because he thinks he's going to learn to
Can I say that I thought that they were going to play the tapes and not have him strut about making whale noises? I was like, you have this entire thing of tapes set up. You talk about the tapes, and then you're like, oh, we need whale noises. And for authentic whale noises, let's have you make them. And that's just because Harlan Williams is the kind of actor you have doof around a ship. And banging into the walls and stuff. That's the kind of thing that he is good at. So that was the trick. And then after him, we get to watch two...
people in actual Navy uniforms, which is weird, because no one else on the ship seems to have them, haul a random, like, street tough with a bunch of tattoos on him up, and this is Prebidak, or Prebidak, or something? Uh, Strampin? Strampinak? Prebidak? Prebidak? Preston? Nirapadap. It's pyramid backwards, whatever it is. So, this guy shows up, and he is awful, but at least he's the only person in this movie with a story arc, which is, he is in the Navy because his dad wants him to be. He can't quit for some reason, like...
I don't understand how he thinks that getting washed out of the Navy would disappoint his dad less than him quitting. Yeah. Whatever. Oh, my dad won't let me quit the Navy. I'm like, you realize you can just say I quit. Yeah. You know, you're above the age of 18 and the Navy is voluntary, right? Yeah. And but he's like, oh, no, my old man is forcing me to do this. But if I can get kicked off, then maybe I can go do something else. I'm like.
I don't understand how, what your deal is, my dude, but whatever. He's just sort of a prick. Yeah, his goal is to get put in the brig or kicked out of the name. Or transferred or anything. Anything like that. So he comes up, the first thing when he walks up to the captain, he's like, sit on it and rotate, captain. We already used up the movie's fuck, didn't we? We already used our one F word. That's why I've got to use this insult from Greece. So now this is all I get. Yeah.
Which gives our first look at what Schneider's going to be like. Because he's like, that's gross insubordination! And starts waving his arms around and turns around. He's like, yeah, it is. You better put me in the brig. And Kelsey's like, I don't give a fuck. I'm not putting you in the brig. If I do throw you off my ship, it'll be in the Atlantic. So we also get fucking, what's his, Nitro? Nitro's the electrician. And he's the electrician in that he is constantly zapping himself. Yeah, he is. He has not fixed anything. It's weird that he isn't Harlan Williams. They put two Harlan Williams characters on his boat. It's just...
Apparently, this actor was like, you know what I can do? I can do a Sinatra impersonation, and I can do an impersonation of a baseball announcer on the radio. So what I need you to do is give me the opportunity to do that in this movie, and nothing else. Yeah, now we go inside the ship. Inside the ship, as everyone's unpacking in their bunks, we get to see a few more characters. There's the black guy, who is an athlete. Stoneball Jackson, they called him. Stoneball Jackson is not his real name. It's a nickname for how bad he is at basketball. Yeah, he is the one black guy on the ship. He is also a...
aspiring professional athlete. Yeah, his goal is to get out of the Navy and go straight to the NBA. The NSA. Yeah. The NFL. The NBI. Yeah, the BLB. So that's his goal. Him and the Gambler have some business because the Gambler lost money on this guy once. Yeah, the movie wants to establish a growing relationship and friendship between these two, but mostly it's just they're usually in shots together. They don't actually have anything to do. They're just like, oh, these two are also here. Yeah, and then you get to meet the Nitro talks to the ship's cook. The ship's cook has a boring name. I forget what it is. It's like...
Blanchard or something. Cudwell. One of those two very similar names. And his whole deal is that he's Jim Belushi. He's basically without personality. Yeah, he's a bad Jim Belushi impression. And he's smoking cigars and he's greasy, but he's the cook. And he's a big fat guy. No one ever remarks on how that's okay on a Navy submarine. Yep. Great. Again, I just, it would be fine if there was any business. Because if this was, say, Jim Belushi, he would at least do something in this movie. The most that he does is like...
Fart once. Yeah, he has a fart scene. He has a fart gag. Because he's a big fat guy. Oh, good. We made the fat guy fart. Boy, howdy. That is the height of comedy in this movie. It doesn't get much funnier than that. The only thing I can think of that's funnier is that Kelsey Grammer's character has a tattoo on his penis. Oh, my God. His penis? He should get washed out of the military. Oh, no. That's the worst thing you could do. Getting a tattoo in the military? I never. Like, I know they have a real strict code of ethics in the military, and there's, like, a whole branch of the military dedicated to ferreting out people who, like, film porn or something while they're in the military still. No. But I don't know if they go after you for penis tattoos. Military listeners, write in. If you are in the Navy, tell me.
Do you have a penis tattoo? And if so, what does it say? How much trouble would you get in if your commanding officer Bruce Dern found out about your penis tattoo? How much? Would he actually kick you out of the military or would he just put you in some sort of weird military limbo where you can't promote? Or would he just go, ha ha, nice. Which is my assumption of what anyone would do upon hearing that somebody got a penis tattoo. They'd be like, ha ha, nice. The most I would do is wince. Yeah. I'm like, if someone said, oh yeah, he got a tattoo on his dick, I'd be like, oh fuck, ow, pass. Ooh, no. Yeah.
So, okay. And then we get our very final character. Last character, which has to be introduced separately because... Oh, the unmitigated gall of it all. It's a lady. Ladies can't surf on submarines. Get out of here, Daphne. Bring me my scones.
But no, she is part of a trial program to put ladies on submarines, and they're starting with this one. Yeah, and of course Kelsey Grammer's big joke has to be, oh, the boys on the ship have bought me a stripper. Please don't take your clothes off. I appreciate that they would like to do this for me, but you can go without taking your clothes off. Like most scrappy underdogs who are heading up a movie, people buy me strippers all the time. Enough that I assume every woman I meet is one. Yeah, when someone shows up in full uniform and I am told by my XO that this is a crew member, I immediately say, thank you for the stripper. This is like the fifth, sixth time this has happened to me. So...
She is on the boat, and in the same way that I believe Rob Schneider's entire thing of why he is supposed to be comedic is because it is Rob Schneider acting like Rob Schneider doesn't normally, I feel like the entire gag of this is just, there is a lady on a submarine. No joke. That's what's supposed to be funny. I'm like, I don't... You guys have to actually write jokes. You can't just be like, hey, this guy's a real jerk. I feel like her whole character exists to confirm the same thing you got from the golf part of the beginning of the movie, which is Kelsey Grammer's dick is rad. Because...
I mean, she doesn't quite fall in love with him over the course of this, but she does definitely kiss him. Well, yeah. He basically, there's a point where she loses her confidence and then gains it back because Kelsey Grammer essentially forces her into a situation where she has to. She also has to show up whenever he's doing anything zany and be like, oh, he's got a wild side sense of humor. I'm not going to join in on this. Yeah, she just looks on approvingly and fawningly. Basically, she alternates between having a confidence issue and doing the job a dog would do if a dog was allowed in the Navy.
You mean licking the peanut butter off of my balls? Uh-huh. That's the job of the Navy. That's the job of a dog in the Navy while looking on approvingly at the master of the gym. At the peanut butter on my balls? Yes. Just that one little nod. The gentle Ben. The gentle Ben nod. Yes. Okay, so let the record state they were both gentle Ben nodding at each other a lot right now.
So yeah, that's Emily Lake. She's the navigation officer. She's the dive officer. Okay, so the war games have been established. He has to go to somewhere in Virginia and shoot some flares while in the harbor without getting detected by multiple submarines that will be out looking for him. Two specifically, although we never see the other one. He needs to get to Charleston and shoot some flares, and then get to Norfolk and shoot some flares. That's correct. But Rip Torn has provided him with some secret live torpedoes, which he has to shoot in Norfolk Harbor at a dummy ship that's in the harbor. And if he can kill it, then he gets a nuclear sub. If he blows it up, then he wins. Presumably if he misses and just torpedoes Norfolk Harbor.
Yeah, that was sort of my main issue with this is I was like, you've given this man live torpedoes to shoot at a dummy ship. Now... even if you have complete confidence in him, there's always a chance something will happen, and he shoots one of these off, it barely misses, and you blow up something in the harbor. That's a really, really heavy military presence. Harbor, that'd be really expensive. Also, what happens if he's like, ooh, we fucked up, and I thought that was a dummy ship, and it's a real ship? Yeah, that was the other thing. When they shoot at that ship, there's never a point where they're like, are we sure that's the dummy ship? Just shoot that one gray thing in the harbor there. Shoot that. And the thing is, most of the stuff in this movie that ends up being remotely interesting is...
the submarine business. Yeah, because they actually do some pretty realistic submarine business. And the fact that submarines basically have to rely on instruments, like, you can't just go like, hey, there's a thing, let's go after it. Yeah. So...
The fact that they're like, there's something in the harbor that we assume is a dummy ship. And they're like, I don't know, I kind of looked at it through a periscope. I assume that's correct. Fire away! I'm like, okay, but if you're wrong, you have murdered a lot of U.S. citizens. So, okay, that's the story of the movie. And, you know, it takes them a day and a half or two days to completely clean the ship, and now it looks great. And then they motor out to the harbor and try some test dives, and it's all very scary. Yeah.
At this point, Bruce Dern calls William H. Macy into his office, because Macy's going to be the submarine who's hunting for him. Why not? Economy of characters. Yeah. And he's like, hey, William H. Macy, I can't tell you what you're doing, but I can tell you it's going to be real easy. You're going to have to find someone who's going to try and attack our harbor, but don't worry, you're going to fuck them up. At this point, the movie accelerates dramatically, and we pretty much just jump right to Charleston. Yeah, I mean, we get, essentially every time they are going to meet, we get some dumb sub trick. So the first time, William H. Macy...
because he's got a better sub and is a good commander, is like, oh yeah, I figure this is probably how they'll come, because this is the sneaky way to do it, and we've got actual good sensors and things, so let's do this. Yeah. They find them, but then they mask their ship as a fishing ship. Which all they have to do to make this work is turn on all the lights, hide an extra light from the periscope, and then stand inside the ship singing Louie Louie. Yeah, well, it's raining, so visibility is low. So when they look through the periscope, they see, you know, some trail lights, and then a...
tall top light, and then they hear people drunkenly singing through the guy who's on the sonar. And you're like, oh, okay. They've tricked them into thinking this is just a civilian vessel rather than a submarine. No sense in getting any closer to it, Captain. We could definitely get way over there and actually look through binoculars at it and go up on deck and have a look. But why don't we turn around at 2,000 yards and go away? Because, you know, the war game that we're doing is the only thing we're doing today, but it might be fun to just veer around and leave the only thing we can see. Well, I mean, if it's not... They're definitely singing Louie Louie in there. There's like 40 of them singing Louie Louie in there. That's the normal compliment of people on a fishing trawler, so this all sounds good to me. Oh, yeah. I mean...
This was, of the dumb tricks they pull, the least impressive of just, what did you do? We attempted to pretend to be a different boat. I was like, all right, sure. The other thing here that kept bothering me was that this was Kelsey Grammer establishing his bona fides as a tricky captain, but also he was doing the whole just trust me routine all the way through this. He was like, you, the football player, get up on there and hang a lantern on the top of the thing. What are we doing, Captain? Trust me. We're not running silent. Turn the engines on. Everyone, surface, turn on the lights. And they're like, what? Why? Trust me.
Now we're going to sing Louie Louie. Trust me. All right. I get it. But bring your boys in, you know? Yeah. Bring your boys in. You don't need to surprise them when it works. If you're cold, they're cold. Bring your boys in. Wrap your boys. Anyway, it works. And of course, Bruce Dern, celebrating his victory a little too much in advance, has invited Rip Torn all the way up to the harbor here at Charleston to enjoy a fine seafood lunch and to gloat. Yeah. He's like, oh, you haven't won yet. And, you know, Dern's just kind of like, well, you know, I think we can all agree that this is great and I'm going to succeed at this and then I'm going to get that third star that I've been after. I'm like.
Again, this is just a war game. It's not like an actual, like, battle. If you set up a war game where you're like, one side is going to win and one side is going to lose, that doesn't somehow make you a three star. This guy is also a rear admiral in the Navy. Like a real rear admiral in the Navy in charge of submarine stuff. The outcome of this war game will not adversely affect his ability to torpedo Kelsey Grammer's career if he wants to. Yeah. He can just get him on the next thing. Yeah, there's... The fact that he's...
Like, he spends most of this movie essentially also being like, damn, that Riptorn, I need a third star so that I'm the same rank as him, because he truly is a capricious god who, anytime I would try to sink Kelsey Grammer's career, would show up and, like, throw fairy dust at me. Ha ha ha! You can't kill Kelsey Grammer's career. Also, you'll never get that third star. I'm the three-star admiral in charge of deciding who other three-star admirals are. It's me, Austin! Just, this doesn't, it's...
Honestly, the movie has so low stakes that it might be that Bruce Dern, at the end of it, when he's like, oh no, Kelsey Grammer wanted the war game. I can't stop his career trajectory now. Also, I get a pie in the face. Oh no, now they get to reopen their, wait a minute, is this an 80s movie? I thought we were trying to shut down the local amusement park or teen hangout? I don't even know what this is about anymore. I'm going to turn your submarine into a parking lot for a country club, Mahoney.
Yeah, that is the exact level of stupidity that is going on here. Yeah, it just doesn't make a lot of sense. But yeah, by pretending to be a fishing trawler, Grammar's sub, the Stingray, manages to get into Charleston Harbor and fire the flares. Yeah, and wild, the two of them are there. Yeah, which Bruce Stern has to be like, ooh, pretty fireworks. And Rip Torn's like, nope, those are flares. No, you're an idiot. How do you not know those are flares? Aren't you an admiral in the Navy? Jesus Christ, what is wrong with you? This is why you don't have three stars. You're an idiot. Yeah, also, I feel like it's probably retirement time for you, Bruce Stern. My dude. Speaking of retirement time, what is the story with Harry Dean Stanton on this? We didn't mention him yet, because he doesn't really get an introduction. He's the engine man on the Stingray. He is 70
Well, I assume he's the only engineer they could find that was like, yeah, I know what to do for a diesel submarine. Yeah, that's pretty much, I mean, he's down there just sort of doing minor business, and it's kind of fun to see him when it cuts to him, but you're like, where did they get him? Where did they dig this guy up? Where did they find him? Did they just recommission him when they recommissioned the sub? Yeah, they scrubbed the rust off of Harry Dean Stanton and slapped him into there. Get right back into the Stingray. What, the sub I served on 25 years ago? That's the one. I have grandkids. I can't. Nope, you're going. All right. We gotta prove a point to a random rich dude. Hey, look, some rich guy wants to prove a point to a slightly richer guy. Oh, well, say no more.
Are they white? Yes, of course. Ah, white man business. Indeed, sign me up. So, Harry T. Stanton is in this movie for... If this had been a cowboy movie, he'd be the guy making beans from the wagon. Okay, so they start sailing towards Norfolk to solve the problem. At this point, Bruce Dern decides to elevate the situation by cheating. Oh yeah, he's like, ooh, I've narrowed the...
theater of conduct from these four square coordinates to these two, and you have to stay in those. And Kelsey Grammer's like, oh, okay, so you're cheating? All right, then. We'll see you in Norfolk. Fine. Bye. Bye. He doesn't engage especially much, but so that's the idea. At this point, he leaves the engagement zone because he's like, that's fucking stupid. I'm not doing that. Well, the first thing that happens is he tries to use the engagement zone and realizes that it's completely full of ships. There's like eight surface ships, a bunch of airplanes, and the Orlando William H. Macy sub is there again. So he tries to do it the right way, realizes that he's been cheated, and has the ship sink to the bottom to hide, which is the first beginning of...
Officer Emily Lake's big moment where she's like, well, I don't know if I can put this ship on the bottom of the ocean. I've never done that in a simulator. Yeah, and when she tries, she bonks the bottom of the ocean and makes a loud noise. Yeah. Which they have to bail their way out of that because now they're easily detected by the Orlando, but they sneak their way out of it by pantomiming that Harlan Williams should wander around the ship making whale noises to convince the other ship that they are not a submarine. Rather, they are two whales fucking. Yeah.
Goddamn. Just a little moment there. Yeah, I mean... A little stop and think. But it was cool when they were like, oh, yeah, if we go to the bottom of the ocean, that's going to fuck up anyone trying to ping us because it'll also hit the bottom of the ocean when it reflects back. Yeah. So it'll fuck up their sensors. And I was like, oh, that's actually a really cool, smart thing. Yeah. Old Navy trick. And then they just fuck it up with whale business. And I'm like, come on, guys. It's an old Navy trick, Niles. I pretend to be gay to get a promotion. Promotion? Okay, so...
If I can't build a false field big enough to contain Mobius, then with Niles' help, I'll give myself a promotion. So anyhow, they convince the Orlando that they are fucking whales, and the Orlando moves along, and then Kelsey Grammer's like, man, fuck this, and he orders that the ship leave the engagement zone, because he's like, man, this guy's cheating, why am I playing fair? And this causes Rob Schneider's XO to be like, you're not playing by the book, and you're all fucked up, and I think I should be in command. I'm assuming command of the vessel. And this is Kelsey Grammer's big I'm a man and you're a little non-man moment, where he's like, here, have a radio, talk to the whole crew.
Fucking do it. He's like, hey, everyone, this is the XO, and the captain's being a big dummy, and I want to be in charge. I'm a little turd, and I'm going to say the wrong things because I don't have good Mike Diction. Mike Diction, of course, is the primary defining characteristic for if you're a good submarine captain or not. He's also my second-in-command. This is Mike Diction. So he's like, yeah, I want to be in charge and not him, and hopefully you'll all vote for me. God bless you. Yeah, and of course, he's been an asshole this entire time. So when Kelsey Grammer's like, hey, this is Dodge, your captain.
Anyone who wants to fucking vote for this guy is your new commanding officer. Go ahead and let me know. And everyone's like, no, that guy's an asshole. Yeah. He goes, great. So you just attempted mutiny. I'm like, that's not actually what he did. He tried to use proper procedure. No, that was protocol, my dude. So they, in probably the only scene that I'm like, oh, if this had been the kind of movie I thought it would be, this is what would have been happening all the time. They dress up as pirates, raise the ship up, and make Rob Schneider walk the plank. Blindfolded. Where he then falls into the net of some fishing boat, and they throw him his luggage, and they're like, anyway, fuck off. Oh, his luggage hits him in the balls.
You mean right in his wiener? Yeah. Where he might have had a tattoo? But he didn't because he was a good military man. Now, a poor military man would have a tattoo on his dick that said, welcome aboard. Oh, my. And it would be referenced again around here. Yes, indeed. It's the only joke they have. It's all they have. Every character has one joke. The fat guy farts. The electrician tech can only connect wires with his body, so he's constantly getting shocked so people could be on the phone. Yeah. And then there's people that don't have jokes, like the gambler and the black guy who are just like, what are you? Well, my trait was I was a gambler, and my trait was I was an athlete.
None of this matters. We have no jokes. Yeah, and then the guy who wants to be kicked off the ship walks in and says, is there any way I can get kicked off the ship right now? No? Okay, I'll see you later. Okay, bye. And then at the end, he's like, oh, I've decided that I'm actually on everybody's team. Oh, yeah, because they're like, oh, when we were trying to be silent when the Orlando was going to find us, you could have made noise and fucked us. And he's like, that wouldn't be ethical. I only want to sink my career, not everyone's. Yeah. I'm like, okay. Oh, so you're actually a good guy. Fine. Great. And then Harry Dean Stanton has no jokes at all.
Nope. I think there's one point where he gets wet and he's like, sorry, Captain, I was taking a shower. And that's the full extent of the jokes he is allowed to tell. Yeah, there's just, there's nothing in here. The business that goes on in this movie is just nothing. Like, it teeters on the edge of being a for real serious submarine movie. Yeah, all the submarine action scenes. They're doing all the down bubble, put two degrees down plane, take us to this depth at this heading. You're like, oh, this is pretty close. This is just like watching Hunt for Red October. Oh, yeah. And they, I mean, like I said, they have a few moments where they do like real weird submarine maneuvers where like...
One that comes up next is they go in between the propellers of a tanker, and then it makes it so that the sonar can't find them. They just don't paint. I'll go ahead and tell you that that one is ridiculous. Oh, it's absolutely ridiculous. But I was like, at least it's cool. That's the fly casual of this movie, is that one. Just pretend to be an alien. Just go in here. That'll definitely kill us, sir. Nope. Oh, yeah. I mean...
There's a lot of shit in this that I was like, well, that's not actually what you would do, but at least it's a neat idea. Old Navy trick. Calgon, huh? Get your dad married off so he'll move out of your fancy apartment. What? That's a thing that he would occasionally try to do on Frasier. Oh, okay. Try to get his dad married off to random old ladies so that he would get out of his, I guess it wasn't an apartment, it was technically a condo. Yeah. It was the most expensive building I've ever seen anything filmed in. Anyway, so yeah, that's the last trick they try to pull. They need to get into Norfolk Harbor and they do it by hiding in the prop wash of a super tanker. Yeah.
But yeah, when they throw Schneider off the ship onto this random fishing trolley that takes him back to land so he can complain, this is a great moment where everyone's singing like pirates, except for the Lieutenant Emily Lake. All she does is walk out and look approvingly and with a little bit of love in her eyes at our fear captain. I think you're just projecting onto here because of how much you love Kelsey. It's true. I'm a huge Kelsey grammar fan. I call myself a grammarite. Yeah. Isn't that a Superman villain? That's the Helgramite, which I am also a big fan of. Helgramite's name isn't even that weird. It's just a name for a type of larva. Anyway, but no, I think that they try to...
go all the way with it, but I think they're trying to set her up as romantically interested in him. Eh. You're not seeing it, I am. I don't. It's fine. I think you're only seeing it because so many movies do this. Well, I mean, she kisses him at one point, and the last thing she does in the movie, spoiler alert, is go, so, about that dick tattoo I've been hearing you have. No, no, all she says is, what is this about a tattoo I've been hearing about? And not in a, ooh, way, but just a, I actually don't know what your tattoo is. She walks up behind him and whispers it into his neck like Helena Bonham Carter. She does not. You are insane. Indeed she does, sir. But it's fine. This is a disagreement.
That's fine. Listeners, this is the Rashomon viewing that we have of this movie. Military listeners, if you think that Lieutenant Emily Lake or whatever was definitely planning to fuck Kelsey Grammer at the end of this movie, write in and let us know. Write in. Let us know about your dick tattoo and Emily Lake. Thank you. That's what I need to know.
Anyway. Anyhow, yeah, that's the last insubordination scene before they make their big raid, where they manage to skirt by all the airplanes and make it past all the nonsense. Bruce Durden's gotten angry enough at this point that he's actually commandeered William H. Macy's submarine. Yeah, he's like, oh, I'm in charge now, and I'm gonna blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, I'm gonna call him on the phone, right? You have to stop as soon as we say we have a target solution on you, and then this is over, and I win, and you get washed out of the Navy, and you definitely don't get your own ship. Yeah, I... Fucking whatever. The whole end of this... It's basically a basketball movie ending. Oh, yeah, like...
They are in a chase. They're neck and neck trying to get to the harbor before the Orlando, the other ship that's coming after them, can get a firing solution. They shoot off their two torpedoes at what they assume is the dummy ship. One certainly hopes. And then immediately after that, the Orlando gets a firing solution and they call them up and they're like, oh, we got you dead to rights. We locked on and we got a firing solution and you're dead. And Kelsey Graham was like, yep, you did it.
You beat us. All of us here in the sub are dead. However, it should be noted, I did fire off two torpedoes before this happened, and they should be blowing up any second now. Well, this is a hilarious moment, because first of all, we get the Kelsey Grammer insulting Bruce Stern moment, where he's like, you will respect me. I am a superior officer. No, sir. Just a higher ranking one. Oh, the obvious comeback. I should have predicted. But also, Kelsey's response when he's like, ah, you certainly caught us, sir. We're dead in the water. Good job to you and the fine crew of the Orlando. However, I've already fired two live torpedoes, and if they hit their target, I automatically win. And there's no point where Bruce Stern's like, what? Are you just making up rules for when you win now? I mean, he was.
This is just fucking Calvin Ball. Yeah, it's so dumb because at that point, everything that happens at the end of this movie is just by the will of our capricious God. He shows up and he's like, yep, that's right. I made a deal with him that he was supposed to act like a pirate and not... follow naval procedures as well. I also told him he needed to blow up a dummy ship, and I gave him torpedoes. Dern, you didn't come to me and ask me to reduce the size of this engagement field, so fuck you, and you cheated. You cheated. He's like, yeah, but even if I cheated, you know, Kelsey Grammer defied a direct order. And he's like, he was answering to a higher order authority. Oh, a higher order. Me. I'm your god. You'll never get that third star. That's one of the powers I have. That's me. And then he rips his mask off. I'm 4,000! And my 3,751st power is that I can stop people from getting a third star in the Navy. And also, my fifth power is being ripped torn.
whenever I want to be. That's great power. That's why it's his fifth. Is he actually Rip Torn? No, he gets to be Rip Torn whenever he wants to be. Does Rip Torn pop up? Are there two Rip Torns? This is like a Captain Marvel situation where they're using the Negabands and then... It could also be a being John Malkovich situation. Oh, no. It's not a possession. It's a swap place. So Rip Torn, wherever he is, 4,000 pops into his place. Yeah. But it has Rip Torn's mind and body. Yes. He's still Rip Torn. So Rip Torn's mind is transferred. It's a body swap over distance. Do you think Rip Torn's confused by it?
Oh, obviously. Every single time. Honey, it's happening again! But he needs to maintain that it's not happening because it would ruin his career and he would lose being a three-star actor. You'd think it would ruin his career already. He's all set of Freddy Got Fingered and all of a sudden 4,000 standing there. Well, that's why he was in Freddy Got Fingered. It's because 4,000 decided to take that role. Speaking of which, does that mean that 4,000's sixth powers are turning to Harlan Williams? Because he was also in both of these movies? Oh, no. 4,000 was just real good friends with him.
My six powers, and I'm friends with Harlan Williams. Yeah, it's a power. Normally he would hate me, but I just go, and then he likes me again. It works on anyone named Harlan Williams. Also Harlan Ellison. It also works on Harlan Ellison. And anyone on Ellis Island. So...
To get back to the movie, the torpedoes indeed hit their target because we didn't have time to find a firing solution on that old diesel sub. Oh no, Kelsey Grammer had to shoot them from the hip as it were. Listen to me, Maris. I said I fired from the hip like a real man. So yeah, fucking good job. Kelsey Grammer wins and Rip Torn says that, oh, I can't give you a Los Angeles class nuclear sub. We're giving you a brand new car. I mean, Seawolf class sub. Yeah, it's just such a...
fucker of a little moment where he comes out in full parade dress, does Kelsey Grammar with his whole crew, except for Harry Dean Santon, who's wearing a Hawaiian shirt. And he's like, ah, sir, I've done exactly as you ordered. This stupid nonsense plot is over with. Yes, I'm afraid I cannot give you the award of your own nuclear Los Angeles class submarine. And there's a beat, like five seconds, where I guess you're supposed to feel bad. You're like, oh, no. Oh, no, this fake rich guy didn't get a fake nuclear submarine. What'll we do? What a shame. Sorry, we're going to give you an even better sub and blowjobs all around. Originally, Captain C of this sub was going to go to a black guy, so no one here has to feel guilty.
God damn it. It is just... And he lets him know, like, oh, you're gonna be in charge of this super badass new sub, and you'll get a real crew. And he's like, oh, with all due respect, sir, I'd like to keep this crew, because I like this dumb gaggle of malcontents and farting fat guys and Harry Dean Stantons. Except, I don't know what I'm gonna do with Harry Dean Stanton on a nuclear sub, considering he's a diesel sub engineer, and also, I don't know what my electrician is going to do, given that all he knows how to do is take loose wires and touch them. Mm-hmm. So... When you give him a ship with working electrical parts, he'll be completely worthless. He'll just sit there and be like, aw. Yeah, sir, I just assume that you need the exact same compliments of people to operate a really old diesel sub at a brand new Seawolf-class nuke sub.
Yeah, obviously everyone here will replace everyone that they would have been on there, and I will need no one else. Don't worry, they were mostly black. I'm Rip Torn, a huge racist in this movie. Not in real life, though. I'm actually a really good person. It's just... It's 4,000! Plus I'm dead. Oh, that's really cut into 4,000's abilities, now that he can body swap with the corpse of Rip Torn. Oh, yeah. Well, that's the problem. He made people think that Rip Torn was racist for a while, and alive.
Can he still do it? Now he's like a zombie. Oh, yeah. He still pops up in his Riptorn, but he's like, oh, this is nearly fun. Oh, gross. I've turned into Riptorn's old skeleton bones. Yeah, he just bangs on the coffin for a while and then leaves again. Well, no, because it's a body swap. 4,000's body goes into the coffin.
4,000. 4,000. The best villain. If you're writing down the powers, that was numbers 5, 6, and 3,751. There we go. Okay. So there you go. There's pretty much the movie. Yeah. I mean, we do have the moment where Bruce Dern gets confronted or whatever, but who cares? It's still just, ah, you're a dick. Yeah. And nothing happens. Nothing changes. Yeah. Hooray. All right. Yeah. All these dorks are going to stay powerful. Hooray. At the end of the movie, Bruce Dern's denied a third star admiralcy, but you know what? He's still a rear admiral. Yeah. He's doing fine. I'm not going to be like, oh, man.
How are you ever going to make it in this world as only a rear admiral? He's just going to get one of those big fancy fuck-off houses over in Point Loma. What a shame. Oh, no. Anyway. Park in the Trader Joe's parking lot to go to the Rock Mega Church.
These are some local jokes, folks. Local jokes. So now we're going to do our best and worst in the film. Jeff, can you give me the best thing in this film for you? It's the realistic parts of the submarine combat, yeah. It's definitely his penis. It's definitely Howard Stern's penis. Baba booey, baba booey. You know that last scene in Boogie Nights, right? I mean, that's in this movie, too. Oh, yeah, it's actually just the last scene of Boogie Nights that they spliced into this movie. Yeah, they just digitally replaced Mark Wahlberg's head with Kelsey Grammer's. No, it's just spliced in.
The end of the movie just has hard cut to the end of Boogie Nights and then back again. You're a star. You're a star. You're a star. You're a bright shining star. Let me slap my clay penis. Okay, here we go. And then it cuts to Kelsey Grammer doing the same thing. You're a bright shining captain. Lilith was wrong to leave you.
So, yes, the realistic sub stuff. Yeah, it was fun to watch the dive officer call the dives and so on. It was neat to see the little bit where Harry Dean Stanton tapes a string to the walls. He's like, watch how much these subs compress when they dive. It's great. Yeah. It was really fun to watch the kind of realistic sub details. Yeah. So, yeah, that was my favorite part. What about you? I mean, honestly, same. The stuff that actually was about submarines and, like, doing cool sub stuff. I was like, yeah, this is neat. Hooray!
Submarines. Although, there is a part where they splice in the same shot of one of the San Diego Nuke subs, jumping sort of, that's in Red October. Oh, it's when it surfaces, yeah. It does the cool surface. Yeah. Which you don't normally, that's dangerous and subs don't normally do it. Yeah. Which is why you only have that one shot. That's right. That's exactly why. I don't remember what the name of that sub is. I've been on it. Oh, it's Marty. It's Marty. It's Marty the Sub. It's a really cool submarine to go on to. Their cafeteria is crazy interesting. Anyway. Anyway, yeah, that's my favorite parts. So the best thing is basically just the sub business. What is the worst part of this for you? Pick.
Pick one thing. Either a scene or a character. Just give me one thing. I know. I know. I'm trying to decide which one of the characters who was introduced but then gets no arc. I want to say it is. I don't want to pick the gambler because I feel like his character arc would not have added anything to the film. So I'm going to go with the dive officer, Emily Lake. I'm like, I like her. I like that actor. She's not terrible in the movie, but her whole arc is like, oh, I'm not very confident. Oh, now I am. Also, I kind of love this captain. Enough to kiss him in a moment that we didn't cover. Yeah. Well, I mean, we said it at the beginning. That's true.
So I'll pick that. I wanted these characters to either cut a few of these characters or give them some stuff to do. Yeah. You could easily just say the gambler and the sportsman is a terrible part. Oh, yeah. The gambler and the sportsman is a terrible Lewis Carroll poem. And also...
I don't know if I would say it's the worst thing in this movie, but it's definitely the most disappointing to be like, here are these two characters. They have these character traits. Do they do anything? Not a goddamn thing. I mean, at least the fucking athlete gets to climb up and put a lantern on top of the fucking periscope. Yeah, and he's like, oh, this is scary. I didn't know I was going to have to climb things. It's not scary. Get your butt up there, sailor. And that's the whole thing. I need an athlete, and you're the only one on the ship. Yeah. And at least he gets something that uses his established character trait. There is no point where gambling comes into play here. No, the closest you get is when Kelsey Grammer's like, crew, I need to do something risky. And he's like, I'm all about risks. And that's it.
Great. Thank you for the color commentary. That was worth the hour you set that up earlier. Yeah, it's just, the gambler is so awful in this because there is no reason for him to exist. Yeah, he should have known when to walk away.
He should have known when to hold him. And by mm, I mean my nuts. What's um? Mm, nuts. All right. Yeah, there you go. Is that your least favorite? That is my least favorite. I'm going to go with The Gambler. So now we're going to give the movie a rating. Zero to five. Each of us gives us a rating out of ten for the movie, Jeff. I might go as high as giving this a two. Because it's not aggressively... Like, I've seen way worse movies. Yeah. There was no point in this movie where I was like, oh God, oh God, oh God. Like if I was watching Boontrap Target Earth or something. So I'm going to give this a two. This is the kind of movie where it comes on on like...
FX at like 11 in the afternoon on a Saturday. And you're drunk at 11 in the afternoon. You're like hungover. You're like, I could lie here hungover. It would take effort to get to the remote and it's not worth the effort. Yeah. I guess I could watch some commercials for whatever they show commercials for on FX these days. I don't know. I don't have cable. I don't know. What do I look like? A guy that watches TV? Well, I watch a lot of TV. I just don't have cable. Yeah. So two from me, John. I'm going to go ahead and give it a two as well. Like you say, it's not aggressively boring. Like there's a lot of movies that we watch where I'm like, I'm going to be on my phone during this entire time and I just could not care less about what's going on. It at least...
moves forward at a decent clip. It has no comedy. There's no jokes in this. Oh, John, what about the amazing joke that our Captain Tom Dodge has a tattoo on his penis? Oh my god, does it say something? I believe it does. I believe it might say, Welcome to Jamaica, man. Have a nice doord. Have a nice doord. Yep. So, a two for me as well. It's just, it was watchable, but not anything where I'm like, I had a good time. I was just like, yeah, I was able to watch this without too much pain.
Yeah, it was not a good movie, but it was also kind of neutral. Yeah, so 4 out of 10 for us. It's not great. It's not a high average. It's well below the 4.5 stars this thing is getting on Amazon. Yeah. I would love to see some of the 5-star reviews. Who was reviewing it and was like, this was amazing. So much fun. I know that's something that How Did This Get Made always does, is they go and they read the 5-star reviews. Oh, good. We should do that. We shouldn't, because the thing is, this is one more thing that proves to me that Paul Scheer is just doing a reasonable facsimile of what funny is, is that 90% of those 5-star reviews he reads are obviously fake, so he's just reading other people's internet humor. Oh, yeah. He's like, I disagree with you, obvious troll.
Oh, this person said this movie was amazing and kept him on the edge of their seat. Why, it was boring indeed. Yeah, and he's like, come on, Sheer, that's very clearly a troll. Anyhow, that's How Did This Get Made, another podcast. That's a different podcast that you could listen to instead of us. But don't. If you like us and you want to support us, you can head over to Patreon at patreon.com slash system mastery and support us at any level. Wait, they can support us? That's bonkers.
They can support us. They can support us like the two cups of a fine brassiere. You had your hands out in boob position. I was like, what's happening right now? Is this going to be a boob thing? Yes, it is. It is indeed. They can support us like a fine underwire would. Indeed, they can. Slightly painfully. Painfully and yet still used. Yeah.
We have so much bonus content on there for a lot of our shows. Not this one, but that's okay. Don't worry about it. There's tons of good stuff in there for you. Yep, you can go in there. Well, we need to actually win at a war game in order to get bonus content for this one. Yeah, otherwise we get washed out of the podcasting industry. I'm just going to have to do a $100,000 a year desk job, and that's it. Sad. Sad. You won't live up to your manhood potential. Oh, man. It's like, why did I even tattoo my penis? Well, I did so that I wouldn't forget that the evil man did this, and then there's a little picture of Paul Giamatti.
Mine just says milk, eggs, bread, because I always need to make sure to remember to get them at grocery stores. That makes sense. And at grocery stores, I do often whip my dick out fully erect. So you can support us at Patreon. And if you go up to the $5 level, we've got our monthly afterthought show is back. Completely worth it. If you love listening to us riff on things, if there's questions you've been dying to ask us, this is a much more intimate show. It's a conversation between the two of us that you get to listen to. Yeah, that's very different from what we normally do. But you're involved a little bit. Yes, you are. You're involved more than you are normally.
That's true. That's true. You get to ask questions and we might answer them. There's a secret room on our Discord that you could find if you are both a patron and another one if you're a $5 patron. There's so many perks. Yeah, you get so many interesting perks. Find those at patreon.com slash systemmastery. Otherwise, find us at patreon.com slash systemmastery or at our tertiary site systemmasterypodcast.com. Good job. You speak into a microphone for a living. So, also, go ahead, check out all the stuff on systemmasterypodcast.com. We've got tons of other shows and be sure to go...
to the Movie tab on SystemMasteryPodcast.com. Go to InTheatersNow and vote for what we're going to see. We still have it up for this month, so what we are going to see is up in the air. Are we going to go see The Grinch? Are we going to see Ralph Breaks the Internet? Who fucking knows? Not me, that's for sure. It's up to you, the listener, so go ahead, vote on that while you still can. And other than that, I think we're done here. Yeah, I feel like there's completion. I think we have finished to completion. Yeah, we've both finished to completion, and we are ready.
for about a two-week refractory period until we see you again. Until such a time as that, we will be taking a quick nap, having some milk, and we will see you next time.