Movie Mastery - Hellraiser: Hellworld (2005)

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Hello and welcome to another episode of Movie Mastery, the podcast where we watch the movies that I want to because it's Horrortoberfest. That's right, you sons of bitches, it's October and I'm calling the shots. And with me on my little journey, my co-host as I travel down the river Styx, I the boatman, and he my passenger, Jeff. Did I not have the correct change on my eyes or whatever? Because this is some fucking horse shit right here. Oh no, I'm just taking you on the scenic route. You see, I have...

such sites to show you. I wish that kind of shit was in this movie. Oh, no. I have nothing to show you. This is trash. This is the worst. Oh, yeah. So for those of you that don't know, during October, I do Horrortoberfest, where I watch a horror movie that I have not seen.

every single day for the entire month and do a review of it. Those are all written reviews, except for the couple episodes that we do as the podcast. So you can find all of the written reviews over at SystemMasteryPodcast.com. Every single day, there'll be a new one of those up. And the theme for the week right now is the Hellraiser franchise. I'm amazed you've gone this long without subjecting yourself to this nonsense. Oh, it's trash garbage, and I would never. That's true.

watched the first three movies previously together. Yes, no, I've seen the first, I had seen, I'm fairly certain, the first three Hellraiser. I know I've at least seen elements of all three, enough to discuss them. I mean, I know that we have watched at least the first two in your living room. Yes, that much is definitely true. I don't recall having watched the third one. I remember a Cenobite that shoots, I think, CDs, not DVDs, and as a result, that means I have definitely seen at least elements of the third one, because that's where the CD shooty one is. Yes. I mean, the third one is ultimately forgettable, but at least fun enough for being campy and introducing the...

Goofy, we made some extra Cenobites thing. It's... I mean, it also has, like, Clive Barker. I mean, Clive Barker isn't exactly the seal of approval for things. But at least he's still, like, involved in his own project as of 3, where this is a land beyond. Oh, yeah. No, the... I mean, this week has been just...

a world of hitting firsts in this series where it keeps being like, and this is where like Clive Barker drops out. And this is where it stops being theatrical releases. And this is where it stops being scripts that were actually Hellraiser scripts. And it's just shit they found in a dumpster somewhere and slapped Pinhead into it. There's even a spot where Doug Bradley says, no, a man who I have never seen do anything but Pinhead. Oh yeah. There is the movie that comes out after this one is Doug Bradley goes, wow, no, you know what? No, it's too bad for me to be in this. And it is wild to see the descent of this franchise.

And, you know, you can see my reviews of it, but the franchise itself is wild because, honestly, even... after the first movie like the second movie tries sort of to still stay a little bit in what the first movie did but after the second movie every single one of the hellraiser movies is like hey you know what's really difficult trying to do what hellraiser did so we're not going to yeah yeah they like this one doesn't pinheads in it uh regrettably but then there's like just some random halloween costumes standing around behind him which are not the fuck centibites they're just not it's they're just fucking guys standing behind you at not scary farm yeah it is Wild to me how much this franchise goes from the Cenobites and the Lament configuration and everything that this is being a very defined thing of like, oh, it's all about like desire and trying to go like beyond the mortal limits of pleasure and pain. And the Cenobites are these.

beings that are like oh we're part of a gateway to a realm beyond and you call us here and yeah we exist on the periphery of sensation and we're weird creatures from another dimension who's orthogonal to yours who don't have a full weirdly are very focused on the thin line between pleasure and pain like i feel like they'd have a bunch more weird dimensional concerns than that but you know they're very leathery so i guess it makes sense yeah and i mean two goes beyond one to then be like oh and these centibites used to be humans and also like you can maybe become one if you give in to their whole weird philosophy and like okay, sure, great, but it still plays into the idea of, like, it's about giving in to the sensuality, and two also has the, like, you know, a girl opens it up because she is forced to, and they show up, they're like, you don't give a fuck about this. Fuck off, we don't care about you. The whole gimmick in the initial run of the Cenobites only show up if you call them to is, like, it's not like Saw. Like, in Saw, technically, everyone's supposed to be, it's all up to the guy, the main guy, the Tobin Bell or whatever, and he'll pick people to punish, and he always has a reason.

for why he punches them. Even if the reason's dumb bullshit, and 90% of the time it is, there is a reason. Here, it's you have to be the one who calls them. That said, just like there, a lot of the time it's dumb bullshit. It'll be like, hey, I found this weird box. I don't know what the fuck it is, but it counts as calling the Cenobites. Yeah, I mean, later in the franchise, it'll be like, oh, you touched my box. I will murder you. I mean, it happens in this one. I mean, even in some of the franchise, it's like, oh, someone else opened the box and now Pinhead is just wandering around. He's like, oh, I found a guy. I murder him. And you're like, that's not your deal. What the fuck is this? Yeah, in this one, Pinhead does nothing. No, God, fuck this movie.

Freaks. Hey, the spoiler-free review is this movie was made very cheaply and at the same time as the previous movie in the franchise because contractually they had to film two movies in order to get the deal to film in Bucharest, so they made two at the same time. Yes. This is also the first, well, it's not the first movie that Henry Cavill was in, but the first starring role for Henry Cavill. I was going to say, this movie is unusual in that it features multiple on-screen collaborations between...

a Superman and a cyborg. Not a Superman, the Superman and the cyborg, but the Superman and a cyborg. Yeah, we also get a different cyborg. Well, sort of. We get a robot. We get Lance Henriksen. Oh, yeah, that's true. He's a bishop. Yeah, we got a bishop. We got a robo man. But yeah, we get... And the only reason Lance Henriksen and Carrie Payton are in this is because they had just finished filming different movies in Romania when this started. And they were like, hey, can you join this cast? And they went, all right, I'm already here.

Carrie Payton in 2005 wasn't quite ready to just be like, fuck it, I give up. I'm going to be in three million episodes of Teen Titans Go. Yeah. You will never hear from me again. Oh, for sure. Unless it's me saying booyah. Or waffles. There are plenty of times where you'll find people in horror movies that are like, oh, you weren't quite famous yet. That's why you're in a horror movie. I mean, every horror movie I feel like I've ever seen is the first on-screen appearance of someone important. Oh, yeah. You're like, oh, look, it's Kevin Bacon in Friday the 13th. Johnny Depp in Nightmare on Elm Street. So it's always someone. Yeah. But that's true of all the modern ones as well. There's always one breakout star in there. And what happens is if the movie's made far enough back.

when they put out the DVD now, they'll be like, well, you know, this is technically the first on-screen appearance of Kristen Stewart. She's in the movie for 15 seconds. Here she is big on the cover. Yep. I mean, Cabin in the Woods, you're like, here's Chris Hemsworth. Here's his first appearance. Yeah. We got him before he was big, before he was Thor. Yeah, exactly. So, I mean, that one almost sells because like that, it works. He's a big, brassy, and it's a shock reveal. So it's fine. But a lot of the time, it's just like the one I was thinking it wasn't Kristen Stewart. It's what's her name from Sex and the City.

The one that plays the youngest one who's married to the guy whose only character trait is that he's Jewish. I don't know. I've only ever watched that one movie. That's all the sex in the city I know. I don't know. But she's in some 80s sex comedy. She does nothing. Is in the movie for 10 seconds. And if you buy the DVD of it now, she's on the cover. Oh, for sure. Because, you know, that's how you sell it. Yeah.

Anyway, the movie is bad. It sucks shit. It's so bad. There's a reason I'm talking about Sex and the City stuff. There's nothing. Yeah, well, I mean, there's a lot, but it's not good. It's bad. If the movie was a 40 minute episode of a theoretical HBO, like Hellraiser TV show. It's not even a Hellraiser TV show. This is a Tales from the Crypt episode. It has nothing to do with Hellraiser. Yeah, yeah. But I was saying, if there was a Tales from the Crypt, but it was Pinhead. Like every episode he comes out, he just has a bunch of puns about how there's pins in his face. You know, like, let me put a pin in this one. That kind of thing. I think you'll find this next tale is extra sharp.

I think that this one got the point across. Let me needle you about this. If it was, you know, that kind of shit. If that TV show existed, this would be a 40 minute episode of it and it would still be fairly padded. Oh yeah. No, the, this is in the point where this franchise just started grabbing any script they could find and went, uh, put Pinhead in it. And they're like, that has nothing to do with Hellraiser. Put Pinhead in it. And then it does. And now it is. Yeah. Well, should we use the other Cenobites? Fuck no. No one has used any of the other Cenobites in six films. Fuck off.

It's Pinhead. It's Pinhead and that's it. Pinhead and some chodes. I guess the other ones are scabs or something. Well, occasionally they'll be like, oh, we make a guy who like kind of chatters. So it'll have like, you know, dollar store chatterbox. But that's about it. Yeah. Anyway, I'm going to go ahead and play some music. We are going to get into the actual spoilers for Hellraiser Hellworld. Oh, the name so bad. Every single one of these Hellraiser movies, the worst name, but not as bad as Hellraiser Debtor. Yeah, Debtor's pretty bad. Anyway, we'll be right back. Oh boy.

We are back. Okay, here's your spoiler review of the movie. It's that foghorn sound you play when something is stinky in a cartoon. That's the full review. Yeah, it's that. Yeah. So this whole movie is at its core...

A big lie. It's Jacob's Ladder bullshit from start to finish. Which is wild because that is every single Hellraiser movie for the past four Hellraiser movies is they've been like, ooh, what if Hellraiser was about you can't tell reality from your nightmare? And I'm like, that's not what Hellraiser is. No, why isn't it about the actual thing it's about? A weirdo shows up and puts a bunch of hooks in you. I mean, that's good enough. Hellraiser is about...

a horny sex demon that puts a fucking hook in your dick. That's Hellraiser, man. Yeah, it's a guy who's wearing like an outfit that Voldo would blush at, comes out and is like, hello, I am now going to tear you apart with chains because you saw an interesting box. Good enough, you don't need to be, why are we adding this like, but it was all a dream shit. Or was it shit? It's every single one of these since the fifth movie, and this is the eighth one, I believe. God damn. Has been, oh, but what if you're being punished for your sins and, oh, these things you are seeing, are they real? And you're like, hey man.

Have you watched Hellraiser? Do you know what the fuck this is about? It isn't that. It's the funniest thing to me because one of the nice things about the Hellraiser movie, like the first one, which is not a very good movie, but I appreciate it just on like a special effects level. And there's a couple of performances that were fine. Is that it's all fucking real. Everything happens. That guy gets turned into a mattress. He comes out of a mattress as a blood guy and then he turns into a real guy. That shit actually fucking happens. There's not a point where he wakes up later and goes, oh God, what a nightmare. Or was it? Yeah, there is no point in the first two, three Hellraisers where everyone has like a, oh, I'm having a weird hallucination. Yeah. And yet that is exactly what they went with for fucking every single one of these. It's like they're embarrassed that they're making these.

Which they should be, but still. I mean, I mentioned it before in one of the reviews that I was writing where it's really difficult to do a sequel to Hellraiser because unlike every other horror icon, because Pinhead became this icon. Oh, yeah, that's true. You can't just be like, oh, well, we throw him at some teenagers like you can with every slasher because that's not what Pinhead does. So they're like, well, how the fuck do we make another movie about this guy?

Especially because the main plot was like, oh, there's a cheating wife and she gets dicks so good she commits murder about it. Like, it's a really weird fucking movie. It's very Clive Barker-y. And you're right, it would be tricky to write a bunch of sequels to it. Generally speaking, the only way you can write a convincing sequel to a pinhead as the character is people thinking that they can control him or master him or turn his weird things to their own ends. Thinking they understand him enough to kind of...

point him at something. Which is basically what 2 was. Yes, exactly. 2 is a good sequel because it follows that trope where it's like, oh yeah, I think I understand what he wants and that means I can use him to my own ends. You don't. You can't understand him. His thinking is too weird for you. He thinks pain feels good. It's too weird, guys. You can't deal with it. Someone that thinks crime is funny. Chilling. But yeah, in this one, here's the thing.

Just doing that, just being like, oh, I think I can control Pinhead if I need to. That's fine. Even if you repeat it over and over again, that's fine. Because what does Pinhead do in this movie? He pops up three times and says pithy little one-liners that mean nothing. Like, do you think it's a game now, Bradley? Oh, it seems Adam was right. You're like, what? This is about more than a box. Have you figured out what this is? It's just that. That's all he does. I mean, technically, he decapitates someone. Technically, he doesn't. I mean, yes, because this movie lies. He does literally nothing. Technically, he doesn't show a period until the very end. Yeah. But...

because this movie lies it is also like the cover of the uh movie is like oh it's all that the matrix has come out a few years ago so we do the whole green code thing they're like yeah now hell is online oh this is all about an mmo yeah there's a hell world is an mmo thing this is about a game no it isn't it has nothing to do with the online or anything that is just they just wanted to reference it because world of warcraft was a big thing at the time they just because world of warcraft came out in like 2004 so we're talking like the the highest growth period of mmos ever was happening right now so like we got to get on that train what is an mmo no one fucking knows no one knows or cares uh we can reference the matrix in the image for the poster and uh mmos are big so that's it that's all we did we referenced it moving on with our thing it doesn't matter we're lying to the audience constantly yeah so the plot is we start with some young people at a funeral for their friend, Adam, and Adam was so obsessed with this MMO hell world that he killed himself. Yes. And they are at the funeral for him, and there are four main friends, and then one other sort of loner friend that apparently got them all into it.

And he doesn't like them. Yeah, he's mad at them now because they didn't do enough. He thinks they guided the other guy, Adam, to his death. I mean, it's weird because they say, like, oh, he's the one who got all of them into Hellworld. Yes, but they didn't do enough. I mean, ultimately, it's really just that he has a misplaced. He's looking for a place to put his anger, and he's decided on his friends. Yeah, he's like, oh, I think it's Jake. Yeah, Jake is the one who's like, oh, you guys didn't do enough to stop him from doing this. And he's like, oh, I also didn't. Like, he has his own anger. So it's a guilt thing, and it makes sense. The problem is it makes the character fucking annoying. The character, more than twice in this movie, starts a sentence petulantly with,

for your information. Oh, yeah. Which, no fucking person in their early 20s says that bullshit, unless they're the biggest nerd in the world. And here's the problem, you may think to yourself, well, he's an MMO player. He's probably the biggest nerd in the world. No! This game is only played by cool, rad, hot tits-out people. Oh, for sure. I mean, our four friends of Adam here are fucking, you know, Carrie Payton and Henry Cavill and two sexy chicks. One being the main character, the other one for this, only in this funeral scene, having straight-up Bjork hair. I was really sad when she turned up later and she had normal hair. I was like, aw, I was excited about the Bjork hair. Yeah.

Catherine Winnick. That's it. She plays Chelsea, our main heroine. And so we learned that Adam had no family, that they were the closest thing he had to family. Technically, he's got his mom died. His mom is the one who found him, so she's...

You know, basically implied to be in an asylum because we find out later, but he like burned himself alive. Yes. So she is off somewhere else and his dad is never around. Yeah. They say they always forget where he is. He's either in South America or South Africa doing something and they have no idea what's going on with him. But he's just out of the picture is the way that they describe it. Yeah. And then the four of them are effectively joking. Chelsea notably has quit playing the MMO Hell World and the others have not. Yeah. It's the two years later. Yes. Bit there.

she gets a knock on the door and we get, oh no, it's a centibite. No, it isn't because this movie doesn't do that shit. It's fucking her boyfriend. Let me ask you a question, John, and I'm going to go ahead and spoil the end of the movie now. Here we go. The entire movie is a drug trip because Lance Henriksen, the villain, tricks them into taking or touching or injecting or whatever. A super drug that makes them have whatever hallucination he specifically would like them to. So what the fuck is this?

What is this Cenobite bullshit right here? Oh, he has a mask. He takes the mask off. Oh, okay, it's just, yeah, that's fine. Okay, yeah, I remember now. It's just him. He has the same mask that we'll see in other people's horror scenes later. Notably, that same mask is used to kill Lance Henriksen at the end of this movie. There's no reason why he should know what it is or have ever seen it before. They only made like three masks for the show. Well, yeah, it is a mask of the Chatterer. Okay, we have names for them now? Because there's two fucking background Scooby-Doo characters that don't fucking matter that are not Sir Cenobite and Extra Cenobite. Yeah, it is the Chatterer and I believe they generally refer to as the guy who is all wrapped up and shit as The Bound. Okay, The Bound, sure. But...

They all sound like fucking characters from a Vampire the Masquerade type RPG. Oh, yeah. But the reason he would have that mask is because Hellworld is basically an MMO where in this world Hellraiser is a franchise that just exists. No, it's true. As this game. It's one of the things that's infuriating about this movie in particular is it's a movie where it's like a scream equivalent.

I forget when Scream came out, but I feel like it was the late 90s. It was 96. Yeah, so this is a little bit of that, like, deconstruction of the genre thing going into it as well, because all of our main characters know all the Hellraiser words. So they're constantly going around being like, you're not a Cenobite. Hey, quit acting like you're a Cenobite over there. What do you think you are, Pinhead? No, we certainly aren't doing a Hellraiser thing here. Now, granted, they all know the words, but none of them can pronounce them correctly because they keep saying, like, La Marchant and the Lament configuration. The Lamont instead of the Lament configuration. Yes, and I'm not sure if that's on purpose or if it's just that who gives a fuck. I'm pretty sure it is the who gives a fuck. Yeah.

Why would we correct them? Who gives a fuck? We have two days to shoot this before Bucharest kicks us out. Yeah, we are filming a different movie simultaneously. I don't care. Carrie Worrer is standing over there tapping her fucking foot because it's time for her to shoot her scene in this same room. So, Mike, not her boyfriend, but wants to be Chelsea's boyfriend, our Henry Cavill, shows up and is like, ooh, Hellworld, this video game that is...

I can't tell if there are movies or if they just know all the Hellraiser shit because it's all in the video game. I think it's just that Hellworld as an MMO has all the Hellraiser shit in it. Yes, and they make a huge mistake here in that they show us the game. They should not have done that. No, apparently this MMO is grainy clip art and some sound bites from the first movie. You hear sound bites from the first movie, and the only thing that's ever on screen is a red UI surrounding a black and white spinning cube version of the Lament configuration, which you have to click on to do things, mostly just to make it play sound clips from the first movie. Yeah. It's got no other graphics at all.

And we see more than one person playing it through the game and that's all that's fucking happening. Well, yeah, because when they're like, oh, we're going to show them playing the game, it is only shown with a shot from like the back of the computer and showing them hunched over clicking and typing so that they don't have to show what is actually going on on screen. Yeah. But Mike shows up to tell Chelsea that, oh, there is a big party happening where Hellworld is having a private Hellworld party at some mansion and the first however many people that can solve the Lamont configuration in the game will get an invite to this party and... He already has his invitation. He's like, oh, if you go on and solve this, then you can get an invite. And Derek and Allison, the other two members of this, are currently working on their invites to go to it. So they're all enthusiastic about it. Chelsea is, like you mentioned, the only one who's like, no, I don't play that. That was, you know, for when we were kids. I don't do that anymore. Yeah. She's just she's trying to get a break away from that life. She's trying to start anew, which is also why she's consistently rejecting the advances of Henry Cavill. Mike. Yeah. Mike, Derek, Chelsea. Allison. Allison. OK. Yeah.

Okay, so then the three of them get their invitations. They have to print them to bring them to the party to prove that they're allowed to go to the party. And then they try to pile into what I assume is Allison's too small of a car, which leads to what's supposed to be a bumbling comedy sequence of Carrie Payton not fitting into a regular backseat of a regular car for some reason. Yeah, well, it's like Allison moves the seat back or something. He's like, oh, my balls. How am I supposed to fit in this car that's got a backseat? Oh, a sedan. What the fuck is this? And that's when Chelsea pulls up to buy into the movie's premise in an SUV. It's like, hey, who needs a real ride? God.

They head over to a big stupid mansion and a huge party is going on. Yeah. And so this is all I already mentioned. This is a fucking trap. Like so. But we know it's real is the thing. It's a real party with real people at it. Yes. This part. There's so irritating in this movie where I am going to go ahead and be like, I have no idea how.

this motherfucker manages to pull this shit off? Yes. Because I do not know where and when he manages to do this switch. Well, notably, there's some questions about it that are particularly difficult to do. Does he own the Hellworld game? Is he the designer of the Hellworld game? How did he manage to hide a party in the Hellworld game that you have to solve a super secret puzzle in the Hellworld game and then without the actual staff running the Hellworld MMO, noticing and shutting that shit down immediately? I know. It's wild to me because he...

So it's Adam's dad is the one who is the villain, and he is trying to get revenge on these people. Also, Jake shows up, who the other friend who was angry at them before, and he's like, oh, I'm here to meet a date who I met online. I have not seen her yet, so I don't know what she looks like. For your information, I am not a chatroom noob. Yeah, you are. You don't have a picture of her. You don't know what she looks like. You're a chatroom noob. You have been catfished. What are you talking about? They didn't even give you the courtesy of sending fake pictures?

You're a fucking idiot. Yeah. But yeah, all of them show up and they're all like, oh, what's going on here? But it's Adam's dad who's the one orchestrating all of this. Yeah, which I said before makes no logistical sense. Now, it's fine if I'm like, okay, he's ultra wealthy. That's why he's constantly on ridiculous business trips around the world. Whatever. It's fine if he has unlimited wealth and can like...

either buy or rent a mansion and throw a huge party, whatever. That's fine. I don't care. That's all fine. He has nowhere with all to do, like find a ridiculous drug and have a bunch of shit. That's fine. The thing that I'm, what you said about the game is, okay, I know Hellworld existed before because the whole point is that Adam was addicted to it and his dad wasn't around and he's getting revenge on these people not getting his son out of the game. How did he put an invitation into it? Yeah. And it's in the MMO. These five people all are like years long players of this MMO. So they would know if it was like, oh, I need to go to hellworld.com.

Click on it. They're like, no, dude, if you're playing an MMO, you go through the normal launcher. Like it's regular ass. Hell. Yeah. The movie just doesn't give a fuck about that. The whole part where it's like, how did he do that? Because we don't, there's not a single line given to him paying off the people who make hell world. Nothing like that. No. So as far as we know, this is an officially sanctioned hell world sex party, which makes no fucking sense because it's a publicly available MMO. They just don't do those. Yeah. So there's too many liabilities. Absolutely insane. We also, I have no idea when he manages to, because again, I don't care about spoilers. The whole point of this at the end is he has buried all of them alive with cell phones in their.

little graves so that he can basically tell them things to make it so that the hallucinogenic he has given them makes them see the things that he is telling them. Yes. Now, I think that it's supposed to be the part of this that's real is when he gives them a tour of the mansion. Yes. He has to actually give them the hallucinogenic. So when they show up, he comes out as the host of the party and he's like, oh, come join me. First time comers to a hell world party. You all get an experience. And so first time comers anyway, how did that happen? They didn't know about these parties for years. The fact that he says that and the fact that that defines everyone else in this building as regular attendees of the hell world, super crazy, get your tits out sex party. The thing is they.

say in it that they're like oh yeah this is a thing hell world parties are a thing yeah so i'm like did he just find did he find out that a hell world party was happening and just bribe his way not into the invitations just bribed his way into being like oh i know where it's happening yeah and i'm just gonna be like oh i'm gonna buy out the venue yeah and do this whatever i don't know it just doesn't it straight up just absolutely cannot work so he invites them into an office area in this mansion and he's like oh all newcomers i want you to share a drink with me So he pours a reserve, but only Mike and Derek take the drink. Yes. And so the two of them have a drink. That's how they get the hallucinogenic. Yeah. Allison has a little perfume bottle that she spritzes, and it goes on her face. Oh, shit. She's got the hallucinogenic. Weirdly, they show a shot of Derek fiddling with a pinhead-themed tarot card, which puts a poison into his fingers. Yeah. But it's unnecessary because he also took the drink. Yes. Fucking ridiculous. It's wild because, you know, everyone sprays a fluid into their mouth. Who gets the hallucinogenic? The other two just have to straight up get beat up and kidnapped. I don't know how. Well, we established it. I'm sorry. I just remembered.

Like, why even bother with the pinhead finger thing, though? It doesn't matter, and it requires Hendrickson at the end of the movie to give this dumb speech where he's like, Emil's special K-Train, or whatever the fuck it's called. It's the world's greatest hallucinogen, and it can get into you any way you want. Ingest it through the skin, inject it. It all works. And I'm like, yeah, but the only one that matters is ingested, because all three of your main characters ingested it.

Yeah, the only one who didn't ingest it was Allison getting spritzed in the face. Which means she breathed it in, which is close enough to ingestion. It's fucking stupid. Also, the fact that he's telling a bunch of, like, 20-somethings, like, hey, there's a hallucinogenic that makes you have euphoric hallucinations that last a really long time with, like, no side effects, and it's really easy to get and really easy to take. How come they're all like, yeah, we know. That's, like, the world's most famous drug. What the fuck are you talking about? So they all tour around this fucking office before he then gives them another little tour of the mansion. They go downstairs. He tells them about the fucking, like...

building and like, oh, this used to be a convent until the mother superior went crazy trying to get ahold of the Cenobites. Yeah, he basically just gives them a haunted house door. Full haunted house seating door. It's just like, and in this room is where they kept the dead babies. And over here is where the witch eyeballs are. Yeah. Here, there's a bowl of brains. They go into a little room with like, oh, and here are all the weird science things. It's fetuses and feet and whatever in jars. Yeah. And because Chelsea hasn't.

been exposed to the nonsense yet. He's like, well, fuck, I gotta get it into you somehow. He just straight up takes a pin with the hallucinogenic into it and just stabs it into her arm. Yeah, that's amazing. The fact that she doesn't just leave immediately when he does that is mind-blowing. Like, maybe she tried and she's already got the hallucinogenic. Well, yeah, because as soon as she gets stabbed, she has an entire thing where she's like, whoa, and she has the whole, like, I'm on drugs trip out. Because, yeah, she...

He basically confronts her for not believing all this shit, where she's just like, yeah, yeah, these are all amazing props. I'm just here with my friends. But here's the thing. Hellworld isn't real, and the Cenobites aren't either. It's nice that you set all this up, but I don't care. And he just kind of goes, well, that's very interesting, but have you considered pain? And he just stabs her. Yeah. Now, this is the point where I'm like...

When does he manage to get the four of them into graves? I mean, I assume he just guides them all out. Five of them. I assume he just guides them all outside and makes them get in graves because there's a point after he when he's doing the big end sequence where he's explaining how this all worked. He goes, anyway, I had you all buried and you're all going to die down there anyway. And that's when I decided, why shouldn't I just go back to my own party and have a good time? Oh, yeah. No, the party is still going on. Now, the thing is, he also explains two of you didn't take any of my shit initially. Yes. Jake and Chelsea. Chelsea, he had to stab. Jake.

at this point, has not been with the group on this little tour. Yeah. He has fucked off and has just been wandering around. He has to, at some point, get a little puzzle box thing. Yeah. And he goes like, oh, here, look at this thing. Wow, what a high quality prop. Oh, I bet it's made in latex or whatever. And then it stabs him with needles and falls to the ground and shatters. Yeah. Oh, but it does work. It does the whole, you know, the easy CGI effect they've used in every one of these Hellraiser movies for forever now where it folds up and spins and folds back down. I mean, that thing. Which also, I gotta say.

in every single one of these sequels, I'm like, hey man, that's not a puzzle box. I know. It's fucking, it's dispiriting the way it works in this movie. He presses a big button on the side of it and it spins open. It's a puzzle box for two-year-olds. Yeah, no, every single sequel, the puzzle box is you press the button and the big circle in it, you spin your hand around it. The circle won't move because it's just a solid cube that doesn't do anything.

But you press a button and you spin your finger around the middle and then the cube flies out of your hand and it just does its own thing and you don't have to solve anything. Yeah, there's no fucking puzzle. In this movie, he doesn't even spin his finger around. He just pushes a big button on the side of it. It goes like, hell raisers detected. Okay, I guess. And then he gets stabbed and that's how he gets the drug in him. They all have the drug in them now. And now we're going to settle into a bunch of, like, this is the thing. I was like, wow, this movie moves to the previous clip because half the characters have been murdered. Like, everyone but Chelsea and Jake are murdered at the halfway mark. Yeah, so, Allison.

is the first one to go. She wanders off. She sees a keep out sign and she's like, huh, not for me. That can't stop me because I can't read. And she just goes into some random room and is just looking around it like shit under cloth. And it's one of those like, oh, everything's under a tarp. And she finds a seat and she sits down and then it, oh, creepily clamps down and she's stuck in the chair. And it's the stupidest looking thing you've ever seen. It's like two little sideways blades pop down a little stand in front of her that are supposed to cut your neck, but they don't cut them where the arteries would be. It's like it cuts off the outside edges of your neck. Yeah, it's like, oh, it's going to cut like.

The very side of your neck. Yes. Like two little lawnmowers come down and start menacing towards her. And she's like, oh no, what the fuck is this? What the fuck is this? And that's when Henriksen pops up and he's like, ah yes, you've discovered the bleeder. That's one of the most efficient ways ever devised to get all the blood out of a human all at once. It's the most efficient outside of decapitation. I'm like, really? I figure there's way better ways than two tiny little blades that cut the side of your neck. Honestly, the best way to do it is the femoral artery. You cut the femoral arteries and all the blood drops out of you like you rip the bottom off a styrofoam cup. Yeah. That's how you do it. I was like, hey man. But like.

Whatever. Whatever. You're having a hallucination. None of this is real. Yeah, none of this matters. She's stupid. She has no idea how the best way to bleed a human is. This is just what her terrifying vision is. Yeah. She's dumb largely because she gave up on her awesome Bjork hair. Yeah. So he's like, oh, don't you worry. This is perfectly safe. As long as you don't remove this little pin. Oh, no, I removed it. Yeah. And then it just goes towards her and it cuts her neck out. It cuts her neck out. She starts screaming a bunch and Chelsea hears it.

Which is weird. A lot of shared hallucinations seem to be, I guess it's because they have the cell phones. I guess, well, I guess if they're buried near each other, they might hear. I don't, whatever. Who gives a fuck? Chelsea hears and goes, that's the problem with this movie is once you know the twist, everything you describe is hallucination shit that doesn't make any sense. Yeah. So she goes running around the building looking for her, but can't seem to find her, but it's all just hallucination shit. Now, the reason that Allison decided to go wander off on her own is because when they got back down to the main party room, Derek and Mike encounter a big plate of shitty looking paper mache masks with numbers written on them. Those are the anonymous sex masks. Yeah, the one is like, here's a wall of Nokia's. Our product placement for this movie is the Nokia. Yeah.

everyone gets a cell phone, and anyone who wants can take one of these masks with a four-digit number on it, and if at any point you want the pleasures that only the flesh can bring, then you can dial the four-digit number on someone's mask, and it will call that cell phone, and you can be like, hey, y'all want to bang, and then y'all can hook up. And I was like, hey, that's actually a pretty clever thing for a sex club. I mean, I guess, yeah, because if it was for any other kind of club, you know, they'd only be used to prank each other. That would be the only and sole purpose of that. People would get called and be like, oh sweet, I'm getting a fuck call. You'd just be like, hey, how you doing? You have Prince Albert in a can? Ha ha, dumbass. You look like you're wearing a paper plate.

Yeah, but for a sex thing. Yeah, sure. If you're at a sex club, everyone's going to be like, oh, I want to fuck that person. Yeah. Granted, in this movie, you might as well just walk up to them and be like, I would like to fuck you. Oh, yeah. I mean, that's the thing. At a sex club, you would also just want to do that. But hey, there's something to be said for I want to anonymously do this. But she gets irritated at the concept of the two boys being like anonymous sex with random women. And the men have already seen a woman weirdly just randomly walk downstairs before the hallucination part. Yes.

and just take her top off as she's walking. And Carrie Payton just goes, what the fuck? Gratuitous tit shot. And that causes Holland, or Holland, it's not Tom Holland, it's Henry Cavill to go, necessary tit shot, actually. And you can see her in the background being like, ugh, grody, poise. Yeah, and... Now some holiday advice from Dasher. The smokes reindeer for DoorDash.

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Mike also is like, hey, Derek, you need to fuck off and go try and find some strange because I need to hit on Chelsea. He's gonna try for Chelsea one more time. And again, I am not sure when the actual buried alive part happens because all of this hitting on and being denied shit is this. Yeah, it's weird because he's supposed to be having a big pleasurable fantasy. So for him to be like, hey, Chelsea, can we hook up just like old times? And she goes, no, would you stop asking? I have never wanted to, I do not want to hook up with you ever again. Why don't you fuck someone else and you'll apologize to me in the morning, okay? And I'm like, did he hallucinate that? Or is that Chelsea's hallucination that she's like, oh, I have to deny Mike again? Is that part of her hallucination? Or...

are they not buried yet? That's the problem is I can't pinpoint the part of this movie where Henriksen manages to pull them from the party and with no one noticing that he is taking some drugged people out and putting them into a coffin outside. I mean, I assume, given that he makes a whole big production of how if you touch this drug, you have pleasant euphoric hallucinations for a while. I think he just fucking dosed the house and he doesn't give a shit if everyone else has pleasant euphoric hallucinations. The thing to me is like, I guess...

adam or whatever had exactly five friends and every other person in this house is completely innocent even though they're also all hell world players who did not save his dumb son well yeah but they didn't know his dumb son that's true as far as we know that's true yeah so yeah uh fucking derek goes off to find some lady to dance with some lady he's carrie payton he finds the only other black person at the party yes true uh they go off to dance mike goes and finds some lady so that he can get head from somebody. I like that she's giving him head by pulling the mask up, so he just has this eyeless mask facing him and going up and down. I thought that was a nice visual. It is one of the few things that I have known from this movie. I was like, oh, I've seen that shot before. I did not like it when it turned into a CGI scare face mask. That was annoying. But just the unsettling image of the eyeless, white, featureless mask with numbers on it just going up and down at that spot was clever. Yeah, no, it's a good scene. It's some eyes wide shut shit. The moment it goes like, I have scary teeth, you're like, oh, never mind, this fucking sucks. Especially because it doesn't do anything. He's hallucinating jump scares that don't matter. Yes. Correct.

Which, again, I'm like, is he hallucinating that before buried or after? Don't know. Well, given that later that woman will shove him into a room and then lock the door when she's like, oh, it's time for me to be, I guess, an accomplice to killing him. I assume that means that he's hallucinating a person because otherwise, Henriksen has an accomplice he just never mentions. Oh, no. I mean, that part is for sure he is hallucinating. Yeah. And buried.

And we know that Allison was already buried when she got killed with the little blades thing because Henriksen was like, oh yeah, she kills herself. They all die. Well, the ones who die all die in ways that relate to the way they hallucinate their own death. So she dies trying to claw the little device off her own neck. Yeah, because she thinks she's got these blades going at her throat. She, in her hallucination, claws at her own throat to death. Yeah. Carrie Payton dies because he doesn't have his asthma inhaler. So he hallucinates not having his asthma inhaler. Weirdly, he also hallucinates finding it.

Yeah. Well, he hallucinates using it, which is great. And using it, I don't know what's going on, but he just dies because he's supposed to... He has ultra-severe asthma, the kind of asthma that, you know, one in a million people have and one in a hundred people have in horror movies. Yeah. So...

I mean, we'll do his thing. He is dancing. He then starts having an asthma attack. He goes to pull it out. Oh no, he drops it and it gets kicked across the dance floor and then gets kicked into a grate and falls down and goes into that fucking room full of horrors that we saw earlier. Yeah. So he has to go down there and then when he does, oh shit, there's fucking centibites down there and now he gets his head chopped off. It's fucking Pinhead. Pinhead decapitates him with a big old machete. Now, I should probably point out that also Pinhead is present when all three of these characters get killed. He just pops up immediately after they are dead or he kills them himself and then he just says things like, you know, like, I bet you wish you didn't have asthma now, Derek.

It's all just like, ah, this is not a game, is it? Oh, Adam was correct, wasn't he? Something, something bullshit. Do you still think this is not real? It's just that kind of shit. Like, he's there for all of them, but he has nothing to fucking do. He should not have been in it. This shouldn't be a Hellraiser movie. No. He has nothing to do with this. Yeah. I mean, again, this was a spec script that was not Hellraiser and just got turned into it. Did Nick Swartzen write this script? Yes. You legally have to tell me. So he gets his head chopped off, but in the real world, he dies because he has asthma and can't get his inhaler and then just chokes to death, I guess. Yeah. Fairly unsatisfying, all things considered. Meh.

Mike ends up... He gets head from the girl. Getting head, and then she's like, ooh, now it's your turn to go down on me. Which he will not do. He makes a gross face about it. He goes...

makes a bunch of mouth noises, then stands up to follow her, and instead of going down in there, they just make out for a long time. Yeah, and she keeps, like, shoving him around and pushing him until they get also down to that room of horrors downstairs, and then she locks him in the room. Well, earlier in the movie, he had played with a big meat hook that was hanging from the ceiling, and Henriksen is like, oh, I wouldn't recommend touching that. It was used for things that were bad and gross. Oh, they would take bodies out when they needed to move the excess meat. And I'm like, everything in this house is a gross murder thing. Why would you point out that that one thing is? Oh. Also, there's some gore in the floorboards. Like, yeah, we know. We're in the fucking Hellraiser house. We get it, dude.

But yeah, it's only foreshadowing because he's going to get hooked through the chest. Yeah. So then the fucking I think the bound guy is the one who shows up and is like, oh, I push the little thing and it makes the hook go flying right through your chest. Oh, yeah. It's funny that the lady just shoves him into a random room and closes the door and walks away on him. It's all hallucination, obviously. Yeah. And then he dies in real life of just fright. Just right. Just pure fright, which causes his eyes to be all glassy and glazed over. Yeah. So that's them. Now, the other two are going to be our dedicated survivors. So we're done describing fancy deaths for a long time. Meanwhile, fucking Jake manages to.

hallucinate the nun that they were describing. Note, Jake wasn't around for the whole like, oh, here's the Mother Superior thing. And so... He just hallucinates this nun and then hallucinate fucks her. He has an entire hallucination of fucking a nun. I have to assume that once they got him into a grave, you know, Henriksen was like, oh, okay, you weren't here for this other part, but let me catch you up to speed real quick in case you need to hallucinate a fuck nun. So anyway, there was a nun. She was very hot. Hot nun. Hot nun. Oh, hold on a minute. I got to describe this other person getting cut in the throat. Do with that what you will. It's a hot nun, though. I don't want you to hallucinate having sex with a not hot nun.

so he we have to because you know it's a hellraiser film they're like oh shit wait a minute we gotta have some sort of sex in here it's hellraiser uh yeah jake fucks a hot nun uh anyway nothing comes of that she doesn't turn out to be a centibite she doesn't try to kill him she doesn't do anything it's just he fucks a nun yeah it's just that's it it just happens then he wakes up later and leaves yes that's it that's the thing thanks movie yeah chelsea meanwhile has gotten kind of locked in an upstairs bedroom uh in a scene that is very unusual because i guess it's all hallucination it's all hallucination that's all it is but she's gotten herself locked in an upstairs bedroom somehow but she has one of those special cell phones you can use to call people so she's trying to call people throughout this she tries to call uh mike at one point she's like screaming and begging for help but he's mad at her because she shot him down earlier yeah so he goes i deal with your own problems i'm getting head it hangs up on her and like she tries to call the other people and then she hears allison being like oh i'm dying or whatever and so then she tries to call 9-1-1 which goes through again hallucinatory yeah And like the cops show up. But when they get there and they look up at the window where she's, you know, at in this house, they don't see her. Oh, my goodness. So she calls them again. And she's like, hey, I'm literally looking at you. I'm in the upstairs window right now. And like, ha, drugs. It's amazing what kids are doing these days. And somehow, according to the dispatch, she's calling me from my own cell phone. Well, these gadgets, which is weird because that is a conversation she is having or he is having in a regular conversational volume with just Lance Henriksen. There is no way she can hear that. So whose hallucination is that?

It's hers. Okay. Yeah, she's hallucinating that she can hear that conversation. Yeah, she's just imagining she can hear the conversation, which is shot from the ground and not from her point of view. They just straight up film it like it's a regular conversation between Hendrickson and this cop, but it doesn't make sense for it to be. Yep. It doesn't matter.

It's fine, because none of this fucking matters. It's just bullshit. That's just a movie that lies to you. Yeah, it's just awful. Like, why would she hallucinate that the cop is getting a phone call from his own phone? I guess it's creepy. The other thing, of course, is that Henriksen knows where she is in hallucinations, so he keeps looking up at her like, it's not going to work. Fuck you. At a certain point, she confronts him directly and says like, oh, I get it now, you're pinhead. And he goes, yes, yes, think what you want.

Because he's not. He's just a pissed off dad. And they rightly point out during the big confrontation sequence, it's not like you did anything. He fell into playing the game because he had no family around to take care of him. And you've just been gone. None of us knew you. He didn't seem to know you. And you're only here now because you're missing him now that he's gone. But it's your fault as much as anyone else's. Where have you been? And he just kind of goes, anyway, I'm going to kill you. He doesn't even engage at all. He doesn't go like, oh, that wounded me in some way. Or that gave me pause. Or I'm mad that you even pointed that out. He just kind of blithely keeps going. No, he doesn't even have a point where he's like, yeah, and I'm going to take care of myself later too because I am also culpable. Nothing. He's just like.

Yeah, well, fuck you. Yeah. Anyway, we get an entire thing where after this whole police thing, they leave. Chelsea then has the door open to the room she has been trapped in. She runs around. Jake has a whole bit after the nun fucking where he's like going around the party and no one can see him now. Yeah, he's a ghost and he gets really mad about it. He's all like, for your information, I'm right here. All the people, he's like, oh, you're ignoring me. Oh, what a shitty bartender. And then he like turns around and now everyone's hanging. Oh, and then he turns back and it's a normal party again. Oh, my hallucinations. And then he starts hearing Chelsea screaming for help.

he thinks he kills chelsea there's a point later it's all okay i don't remember any of this part between between the thing we're describing and that so my apologies it's a bunch of nothing oh yeah it's a bunch of both of them just running around the house so at this point like chelsea tries to make a break for it she runs out of the house oh right okay and she goes running into the woods and ends up like running into a cop who's like hey it's fine chill out i'm i'm coming to Check out that house. You know, this isn't the first time we've gotten a report about that house. I'm going to call dispatch. Hey, dispatch. There's a, and then he gets stabbed through the throat and his own radio. Like it's a, it's a cool looking stab effect, but you know, a little too late. And then Pinhead's there and he's like, Oh fuck you, Chelsea. You're stupid. Go fuck off. He says all the things you'd normally expect Pinhead to say. Yeah. Hey, you're dumb and bad. You should run back to the house now. And she goes running off. Fucking Jake tries to do some shit and.

Like he ends up hearing like from the phone, like here's Chelsea calling him. So he goes running back to the house, but it turns out it's just Henriksen on the phone and he is mimicking Chelsea's voice because again, it's just hallucination shit. It doesn't fucking matter. Yeah. So are we now at the point where Jake is standing there and he thinks he sees the chatterer or whatever the fuck behind him? Yeah. So Chelsea ends up getting trapped in the attic.

And then Jake is in that, like, office room from earlier. Yeah, he picks up a letter opener. Yeah. And he thinks he, I mean, he thinks we see the chatterer standing behind him. Yes. And he spins around and stab the chatterer, but it's Chelsea. And she's like, oh, no, you stabbed me kind of in the shoulder, I think. Oh, no, a very nonlethal thing. I've been stabbed with a letter opener, maybe about a half an inch deep. Yeah. Oh, God, I'm dead now. Oh, God, you can't die. You can't die. What the hell? And then his phone's ringing the whole time. And it's clearly we can see the screen, a call from Chelsea. Yeah. And so, which is funny.

I'm going to point out that this is funny because that's not his fucking phone. That's one of those sex phones that was on the big wall of phones. It's the same Nokia candy bar phone that everyone in this movie has. And when he gets a call from it, the caller ID says Chelsea. It doesn't say like 6324 or whatever. It says Chelsea like he programmed her phone number's random four-digit phone into his with Chelsea written on it in case a person he doesn't like and who never put one of those masks on calls him.

Note that that is everyone's phone does that. Whenever Allison would call someone, it says Allison. And the same thing for everybody who has a name in this movie. When they call someone on the phone, it shows up as their name rather than just numbers. I'm assuming that's just more hallucination shit. Probably. I mean, that's the problem with this movie is I don't think that's hallucination shit. I think that's this movie needs to make sense, which means it has to show Chelsea on that phone for you to understand what's going on. Yes. And don't fucking worry about it is the actual. Because we can just say hallucination like we're throwing fucking sand in your eyes. If you have any question about our ass movie. Oh, hallucination. Fuck you.

No, the problem is because this movie is, it was all a dream, is if anything doesn't make sense or is stupid, you're like, oh, well, it didn't matter because none of it happened. It was a dream. It was a dream sequence. It was just a weird thing. The fact that this doesn't make sense is on purpose. Yeah. It's not for you. It shouldn't make sense. Anyway, he picks up the phone and is like, oh, oh my goodness, I just killed you. And she's like, no, I'm stuck in the attic. Oh, I'm still alive. And that's when Jake is like, oh no, I figured it out. None of this is real. We're all drugged. You can't, don't believe any of this. It's not real. Yeah. And so like Chelsea.

thinks that Adam is there and, like, is grabbing at her. And so Jake's like, don't believe it. If you don't believe it, it can't hurt you. And for some reason, they can talk to each other. I don't know if they can hear each other through their various graves or what's going on or why they are able to communicate this concept to each other, but they are. Chelsea definitely knows how the other three died before she finds out how they died because they show up in one scene for one shot as Cenobite versions of themselves who all have wounds relating to the specific way they died.

So we know that they have some kind of method of communication with each other. And then at certain points, like when fucking Henry Caffill was dying of fright, he was like, just so you know, guys, even though I'm screaming about how I'm dying in fright, it's because there was a big hook that went through my chest. And also I've got some weird facial scarring because the lady I was hooking up with clawed my face a little bit. Bye. I died of fright though. So she leaves the attic. They've managed to meet up and go running around. And that's when they go outside. They try to fight.

the host, Adam's dad, and that's when we get the full reveal of, oh, you can't fight me. You can't do anything. You're already in a grave. Yeah. And we get all the like, here's the flashbacks to all the various ways in which they have died while I am explaining to you how I have drugged you and how this has all been bullshit. It's very strange because it's like she's out of her grave now, but he's like using a shovel to throw dirt directly onto her. Yeah. But she's actually also still in her grave for real. This is just a hallucination. So she hallucinates him explaining the whole thing. Well, she hallucinates the dirt being thrown on her as he is actually explaining it. Yes.

So fucking Christ. So in this scene, things are both, yes, a hallucination and not a hallucination. Well, yes, a hallucination of what is happening, but not a hallucination of what he's saying. Of what he's saying, yes. Because he's like, oh, I do have the cell phone in your little grave and I am currently saying this to you. I'm explaining what's happening to you. Yeah. And he's like, oh, the two of you have been able to resist the drug more than your three friends who are dead. But you are going to, you know.

I mean, that was the point. He even gave them air holes just so they wouldn't immediately suffocate. He was like, I want you to live longer. And he was a little disappointed that the other three, like one of them died from asthma. He was like, I want these people to suffer way longer than that. Yeah, I wanted you to live in a nightmare state for as long as possible because I wanted you to feel the torture. And we finally was like, oh, and Jake was instrumental in this because I wanted to use all of your shit from Hellworld against you. So I went on to the Hellworld forum and found Jake and he taught me everything about this so I could use all of the Hellworld shit.

in your own nightmares so that I could use the game against you in the same way that it used my son. Which would be amazing if it explained a single thing about the interrelation between the events of this movie and the Hellworld video game. Like, even one. Like, even one thing. Like, because we don't know what they're fucking... The Hellworld, as far as we can tell, is a Flash game where you click the lament configuration and here's clips. There's nothing else in it. So the idea that, like, they have bespoke horror scenarios they've been repeatedly playing through in it is introduced and summarily dismissed in that line.

And, you know, oh, I learned everything about Hellworld from Jake, which I assume that means that Jake could also somehow program his own portion of Hellworld that creates an invitation to a murder party. Because that's the only thing Henriksen learned from it. No, man, he learned all of the, like, Le Marchand and the Lamont configurations. Oh, yeah, that's fair. I learned everything about Hellworld, you know, including the typos that Jake used. Yeah. No, you just stay right there until Punhead gets you. The Cheddarer's coming. I've heard the Cheddar Box is in town. The Cinebites are coming.

Angel Food League is coming. They're all food now. All of them are cake or something you could buy from a catalog. Lady Cinnabon will get you. Butter Butterball needs no name change. He's just a turkey man.

Christ. Anyway, he then is like, great. Well, anyway, I'm going to leave and you guys are going to die in your grave. Bye. And she's freaking out and having dirt shoveled on her. And then he starts trying to, he's like, anyway, I'm done with you now. And starts trying to stab his shovel through the top of her grave. She screams, she dodges, she screams, she dodges, she screams and screams and screams. And then it turns out that that was actually cops rescuing her. We are now in the real world again. Yes. And the whole shovel going through the dirt into the grave thing is, it's been two days.

So they have been, I guess this drug lasts for days in the system because they're still, I guess we're sort of hallucinating at that point. Yes. But like, it's the greatest drug in the world. It is literally the most insane, amazing, super hyper drug. The only problem is that he used it to give them scary thoughts, but normally you'd be like, oh, I'm gonna take this shit and just fucking trip out with no consequences for days on end. Yeah. Oh, that sounds awesome.

But the cops show up and rescue them. Jake and Chelsea both manage to survive. And we get a thing where they're like, oh, man, we got a tip off from a phone from here. And oh, we don't know who could have called you. None of the people were here. We don't think the host did. And we see a fucking ghost of Adam in the window. Yeah. So I guess.

Adam watched this whole shit happen, and then once three of them were dead, was like, oh, I guess I'll let the cops rest. I guess I'll call the cops now. Yeah, I didn't like those other three. I'll wait two days. I'll let them fucking rot for two days, and then I'll call the cops. Then we'll call. That's fine. All right, they've had enough. All right, now I'm good. The fuck is that? What are you talking about? Oh, this is bad.

So they show up and then we get Chelsea being like, oh, Jake, I'm kind of flirty with you now for no reason. Oh, yeah, because they're the survivors. Like, oh, we survived. And now I'm kind of hot for you. I'm like, there's been literally no relationship between the two of you. And you've just been dug out of a grave where you have been dehydrated for two days. Why are you like, hey, baby, when this is done, I'm going to fuck you. Like, hey, you should probably be on a gurney. What's going on? Also, she's perfectly presentable and cleaning her hair is fine. Oh, yeah. I mean, just, you know, just in case you're curious about that. Oh, yeah. She's fine. Yeah. Also, he's an insufferable twit and he has been the entire film. Yeah.

I'm like, hey, you can be happy that he is alive because at least someone else is alive. That's fine. But don't be like, oh, you're alive. I'm so glad. And also, we should probably bone about it. Like, hey, dude, chill out. I still blame you for the death of our mutual friend that I also did nothing to stop. But yeah, you know, we can hook up, which they do by driving to like Chicago or something together at the end of the movie. But we're not there yet. First, we have to follow it because they're like, oh, the homeowner has split. We have no idea. But don't you worry. We're going to catch him. We're going to get him. And we cut to the host, Adam's dad, sitting in a hotel room.

Adam, we found out, was so into the game, so into Hellworld, that he built the puzzle box, a version of it himself, a little copy of it, and his dad has the puzzle box himself as he drinks on the corner of a bed, fucking around with it, and he... Like, accidentally presses the button? He just, like, presses the button, and it does... Because, you know, it's not a puzzle box anymore, it's just press button for centibites. Yeah, it's the mousetrap.

And it summons up the actual real Cenobites. And immediately Pinhead's like, ah, I should have come for you. Oh, good job. You're a real piece of shit dirtbag. I love that. That's great. Good job. I should have come for you long ago. And I'm like, no, you absolutely shouldn't have. You have one fucking rule. You wait for people to press that button. You're not Batman. Also, you're in, this is a world where- You're in a video game about you. And this is, I think, the first-

that this box has ever existed because in this world you're not like a thing that like there wasn't a la marchand and that the box wasn't fucking knows fucking fuck you fuck you get this fucking movie i who fucking knows the important thing is that someone actually needs to get killed by centibytes in this in this hot trash and so instead of it's not pinhead have the decency to be like oh and then pinhead makes fucking chains come out of the wall and it hooks them and they do the classic pinhead thing instead the bound takes a big old blade and just goes And slices him into three parts. Yeah, he has like two big blades on chains. He just swings at him. Both of them stick into walls and then he just falls apart like a bad special effect from a Twilight Zone episode. Actually more like from a Tales from the Crypt episode. But yeah, he falls to the ground and they're like, great, good, we've done it. Great, and now you'll come with us. They don't torture him at all. They just murder him immediately. No, he just falls into three bits. He's still alive and they're like, great, and now you'll come to our realm where we'll fuck with you some more. Yeah. Bye. There's no thin line between pleasure and pain. It's just like, you're an asshole and our job is to kill assholes. We're the fucking Cenobatmans.

I mean, it's mostly just, hey, you were really good at being a piece of shit. You tortured people. We torture people. Let's be friends. Kind of. Anyway, then Jake and Chelsea are driving because Jake was like, hey, I promised that if we got out of this, I'd show you a sunrise. That definitely wasn't a hallucination and a thing we talked about while we were both in different graves, but apparently it was real. Anyway, now that we're driving and you see a sunrise, good for us. Oh, there's a mysterious phone call. Oh, it's fucking Adam's dad. And then he appears in the back seat. Oh, and then we almost crash our car and then he disappears. Yeah, yeah.

But he's not sent to bite it up in any way. No, it's just... I'm sure Henderson just said no. They were like, hey, can we put some shit on you? You mind if we, like, strap some crap to your face? He's like, no, I'm not doing that. They're like, oh, or you got killed by, like, weird pendulum things that, like, sliced you in three. Can we put, like, some lines on, like, put you in threes or put you in some black leather? And he's like, you can fuck off is what you can do. I'll be in my trailer until your makeup artist quits. So they then almost crash the car. He disappears. And then the last scene of the movie is just the police showing up to that hotel room. We're just covered in blood in the boxes there. The end. The end. Jesus Christ. Fuck.

This is basically like... the worst version of Wes Craven's new nightmare where they're like, oh, well, what if we took this property and went, what if it came into the real world? And you're like, oh, except this entire movie was a lie about it until the very end where nothing mattered. Yeah. It sucks shit. Fuck you. It's so bad. Like, I feel like there's gotta be a category of movies that are from this era that are the terror of MMOs. Like, there's gotta be another couple of them out there that are just like, MMOs are super scary, you guys. What if the game, because there's the chat room ones. I mean, this whole thing was just a short story that was like, oh, I bury you alive and make you have hallucinations. It has nothing to do with Hellraiser or MMOs or anything. Yeah. And they just went,

Well, it's 2005. What if we shoehorned it in? Yeah, but I'm just saying there's probably more movies like this one where it's just some 50 year old screenwriter being like, well, I know MMOs are hot right now, but what are those video games? I'll just say they're real. Okay, cool. And when they're real, they're terrifying because monsters come out of them or whatever the fuck. Who gives a shit? I'm just saying there's probably like six more horror movies just like this. I mean, there is, of course, fear.com. Sure. Where you go to the website, fear.com.com. Yes. Yeah, you have to type out the word dot. Yeah, you have to type out fear.com, all that, and then dot com. Yes. Fear.com.com is, God, that's a bad movie. What if it was fear.com.net? I wish. Dot edu.

Yeah, this was fucking horse shit. Like, it was so bad. Oh, I hate it. I hate it so much. I kind of want to try and make it popular because it's got Henry Cavill in it. You know, be like, hey, Zack Snyder, weirdos, you love your boy, right? Go watch fucking Hellraiser Hellworld. You want to see his first starring role? A tour to force. There are people that will defend anything. And there will be people that will defend this, although Hellworld is for sure.

often considered to be one of, if not the worst, Hellraiser sequels. Sure. I, having seen almost all of them at this point, I'm like, not quite. Not quite the worst. But boy, is it down there. It's infuriating. I mean, it's just shocking how little happens. No, it's just infuriating because they put Hellraiser in the name. Yes. Because you're like, this isn't that. This is Tales from the Crypt. Yeah. And then they put Hellraiser into it. This movie should be called MMO No. It shouldn't have any Cenobites in it. The short story it is based on is called Dark Can't Breathe.

Okay. Even though they make a whole big thing in the movie about how he leaves them all great air holes made out of PVC pipe because he doesn't want them to suffocate. Yep. But, you know, that wouldn't fit for the movie. So, you know, we'll just lose the can't breathe part unless you're Carrie Payton. Yeah. Anyway.

Hey, Jeff. Yeah. Let's get into our best. Oh, God, I would sure do love to. Hey, man, I need you to find the best part of this movie. And I think I know. I think I might have already said. You did. Because now I can't even remember what the fuck it was. It's the mask bit. That's right. The mask bit in the head sequence. Yeah. Because it's a genuinely unsettling image in the first moment you see it. It's a great shot. Honestly. It's a good shot. Yes. The bit of seeing like, oh, it's because it's the mask doing it. So you're like looking at a head kind of bobbing, looking at you while someone is doing that. Yes, straight at you. And it's unsettling because it's like, you know, an inhuman eyeless mask. Yeah. So that was a well done shot. Yeah. That.

A very well done shot. And again, one that I've seen before because it is the only shot in this movie worth looking at. Yeah. Great. So there you go. That's my favorite thing. Thank you for reminding me because good Lord, this is just a soup already in my head. Yep. You're so welcome. Yeah. What about you? What's your favorite part? I mean, it's obviously that if I'm going to pick anything else, I'll go ahead and say.

Oh, Lord. I don't know. Is there anything else in this movie that was worthwhile? I kind of like the scene where the cop gets stabbed through his neck and then also the radio he's holding. And then he let his hand drops and the radio is still there because it got skewered on the stab. That was kind of cool looking. But that's the only other thing I thought was a well done horror shot. Everything else is boring. You know what? I'll go ahead and say that the Henry Cavill's death. I love that the two bits in this. But the hook and him being on that is actually a very well done shot. The gore in that is good. The blood effects.

Cavill's acting. Again, you can see why he actually goes on to have a career. He does a good job in this as a dickhead jock. Yeah. Like, it's not a great role, but he does do decent with it. He does what he's supposed to. It's fine. Yeah. Now, give me the one worst part of this. Just give me one scene in this that encapsulates what's the worst. I mean, for me, it's going to be the misuse of Pinhead.

Because, you know, give me one scene. I'm trying to think. The thing is, almost every Pinhead scene is the same. It's him popping up as soon as a kill happens and just saying like, you're the man now, dog. And that's it. So picking between like the three of those that happen is impossible. They're the same. So I mean, I might just pick something else just so I just want to call attention to how shitty this movie does by Pinhead. You know what? I'll pick the one at the end where he pops up to Hendrickson and says, I should have come for you long ago. Like, no, you shouldn't have. Have you read? Have you seen the other Hellraiser movies? I don't think you have. Great. So there you go. What about you? I feel like I almost have to go with.

that as we mentioned before the point where like chelsea goes hey you weren't there you were an absentee father you weren't there for your own son oh yeah he just blanks on it we were the ones who were there for him like we didn't stop him from killing himself but like we were at least his friends and family and he's like Anyway, moving on. And you're like, dude, what the fuck? Especially because this movie has this whole like, why didn't you save this guy from killing himself? Which is not a good message. Yeah. You're like, oh, because he was, you know, he was unstable. He had all kinds of issues. We couldn't watch him 24 hours a day. Yeah. You can't blame yourself when someone else who you don't live with and you're not related to and all. Even if you do, you can't spend your life blaming yourself for someone else's suicide. Yeah. You can't be like, oh, I should have had them committed against their will. Yeah. That's not a thing you can do to yourself. Yeah. You can't be like, oh.

I should have stopped this thing that was their free will. Yeah. And you can't do it to someone, I mean, obviously you can't do it to someone else, but he's a horror villain, so it's fine if he's punishing them for something that's, you know, not actually a fault. But, like, it's just, for most of the movie, they're also blaming themselves for it. It's like, yeah, but you, and it's in some movies where you go like, oh, when it's like, oh, you terrorized my son and, you know, you made fun of him and then he did something. Or like, you did a thing, you got him drunk and then he got into an accident. When you blame them for a thing that they did that caused a thing, you're like, at least I understand. But when it's like, you guys played a game together and then he got obsessed with the game and died, you're like.

Okay, but they didn't do anything. How would they have even known? One of the problems we get with this thing is that they're extremely vague about what it was he was doing that was so obsessive about the game. They never really say. We know he burned himself alive. Was he just playing too much? Did he miss a raid? Did someone give him a 50 DKP minus? What did he do that led to him wanting to kill himself? Who the fuck knows? The movie doesn't. It doesn't even bother to try. They couldn't think of anything, so they just walked around it and still made the movie. Yeah, they don't have the language to describe what it is that would happen, so they're just like, oh, he was...

obsessed. I've seen on 60 Minutes that people are obsessed with MMOs and do bad things. Yeah. That's what happened. You're like, what do you mean that's what happened? Try to imagine the most horrible thing that could have happened to him because I was unable to.

Now we are going to go ahead and give this movie a rating. Each of us from 0 to 5 to give a total rating out of 10. Jeff, what do you give Hellraiser Hellworld? I'm dancing between the .5 and the 1 because this did genuinely piss me off quite a bit. Oh, for sure. So I'm probably going to go with the .5 because, like, you know, it is a movie. You can watch it. But I defy it to have a real plot because it's a standard anything that doesn't make sense is a hallucination, don't worry about it kind of movie. So I'm going to give it the .5 because even if it has a plot, it's dizzyingly bad with a built-in excuse for why it's dizzyingly bad. Can't fucking stand that shit. Great. Don't make those.

They're not clever. No. What about you? I'm going to give it a 1.5. It is...

it's infuriating because of the Hellraiser bit. Like, if you removed Pinhead entirely from this, I would be like, oh, this is a bog standard, just shitty revenge horror. Yeah. Great, whatever. The reason it gets as low as it does for me is just like, oh, you are just shitting on the franchise, which is not anything different from every other fucking sequel in this series. Yeah, no, I'm sure. Given I haven't seen anything past three before, I don't really know how far they've fallen. Oh, pretty far. Yeah. Given that, I think starting with the fifth movie, all of these are just like, oh, we found a script in the bin.

wrote Hellraiser on the top of it and then just turned it into this. We went, scene, exterior, also Pinhead is there. I'm sorry, I'm trying to picture a movie called Hellraiser colon Mrs. Doubtfire 2. Yeah. I think you mean Mrs. Hellfire. Yeah, she's the new Cenobite. Yeah, it's just... Oh, but I've got such sights to show you. It's a drive-by chaining.

So a two out of 10 for Hellraiser Hellworld, a bad movie for idiots. Oh, man, this was bad. What a piece of shit. Yeah. Thank you. Don't go see it. Thank you for watching this, Jeff. Oh, my pleasure. I can't wait for another one. God, I love Hortoberfest. Me too. It's my favorite time of year. This is my treat is tricking you. I don't feel like it's a trick anymore. I get where you're going. You know, Halloween words and whatever, but it's not like I don't know. I don't.

Hey, don't worry. The next episode won't be bad. I promise. I've heard that. I'll hold this football and all you need to do is kick it. I don't know what the next movie is. I've heard you say already it won't be as bad. So we'll just have to see, won't we? We will. Yeah. Thank you so much for joining us on our little journey into the spooktacular. We will, of course, be back in another couple of weeks with another horror movie for the season. But if you want to support us.

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that have been being made for years at this point. Oh, so many. So you get so much extra content, and all the way up to the $10 a month level unlocks everything that we do, four extra shows, including the TV Mastery, where we are about to do our wrap-up for our five-year anniversary of TV Mastery, talking about what we have learned watching season 10 of Smallville. You know, I have a couple of thoughts. Oh, yeah. It'll be something. And then we will reveal...

what will be happening for the next season. I look forward to that. So join us for that. We will be doing all of that and more, and we will be back in another couple weeks with more Movie Mastery. Until then, you have a good one. The Winter Tire and Rim Event is on now at Performance Auto Group. Get seasonal savings on tires and rims, complimentary tire storage, and manufacturer rebates up to $110.

In the universe of Star Wall Odyssey, space is made out of the collective imaginations of all the thinking beings who live on various planets. These worlds are connected to each other through imagination. Common themes and ideas are strings between universes. And to get between them, people fly wooden ships that look like animals, which are powered by emotions. Also, people communicate with each other by contemplating orbs. The only way you can take pictures is getting stared at by a big psychic bug. And people have already declared victory in a war over the very concept of evil. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Star Wall Odyssey follows the adventures of the hapless inhabitants of the Lucky Finn Tenement Building, who suddenly find that their apartment is actually a spaceship, and that they're lost in a sea of boundless imagination. It's an actual play starring me, James D'Amato, Mel D'Amato, Allie Grower, and Drew Merzieski, as we playtest the No Kings system, which will hopefully one day be the Skyjax role-playing system. It tows the line between weird and wonderful slice of life and high-flying space fantasy. You can sample the first five episodes by searching for Star Wall Odyssey on your favorite podcast app, or get the whole thing by heading to patreon.com slash one-shot podcast and signing up for $5 a month or more. Design Doc started as a podcast about designing a role-playing game. Over the years, it's turned into so much more. It's a show about the challenges of burnout, making money from creative projects, and what goes into bringing a game to life. Come along with Hannah and Evan in a living documentation of the game design process. One review described it as the audio equivalent of taking a hike with a good friend. You can search for Design Doc on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts.