My Boyfriend's Secret Butter Activities Are Destroying My Life - Reaction

OKAY. Everyone take a seat.A woman moves in with her boyfriend and immediately notices the butter is disappearing. She thinks she's miscounting. Then one night she watches him sneak a stick of butter out of the fridge and disappear into the bathroom for over an hour. No butter comes back out. This happens again. And again. She starts tracking it. She hears moaning...When she finally confronts him, he doesn't explain a thing. He just asks her to promise to never bring up his "butter activities" again and offers to buy his own "separate, private butter."Sir. SIR.We have so many questions and zero answers and OBK is getting into ALL of it today. Because this man owes us an explanation even if his girlfriend isn't getting one.WHAT IS HE DOING IN THERE?!?